sugarfamily

I was so sad to learn just today of the death of Jenna's birthfather Adrian. Although we chose to have limited correspondence with him through Abrazo, it was always our desire for Jenna to meet him one day when she was a little older. My heart hurts for my little girl, who will no longer have that opportunity. Our hearts also go out to Adrian's family, including Jenna's birthsisters. I am especially thankful for Susan, who let me know of this tragic news, since I am rarely on the forum anymore due to time constraints. Thank you to all of you who have expressed condolences. This will be hard news for little Jenna, who has always known of her birthfather and his love for her, despite the life choices he made that kept us from being able to have a more open relationship during the past few years. We are all grieving this loss today. Linda

Aren't we lucky? This new addition to Bill and Susan's family means it's a new addition to ours as well, with our sweet daughters Tasia and Jenna being bonded forever as birthsisters. Congratulations to you guys. I am so incredibly happy for you...and to think how we were just talking last week and saying our prayers that God would give you an opportunity for a new baby soon. Obviously, He was listening! And what a BEAUTIFUL baby He has blessed you with, too! Love you all and can't wait to see you soon. Linda and Jenna

I completely understand why birthparents might want younger parents for their children. However, given that people typically don't marry these days until at least their late 20's and then wait awhile before trying to have kids, then go through several years of infertility before realizing they need to look at other options....it seems unrealistic to think there are a bunch of couples under the age of 32 who even qualify for adoption (taking all the above into consideration plus adding in the financial requirements for many adoptions). Not to say there aren't any, but I would think the majority of people trying to adopt are in their early- to mid-thirties or beyond.

Just a quick note to say I took myself to see Juno on Valentine's Day evening, when Jenna was with Scott. I loved the movie and laughed when the dad was driving Juno to Mark & Vanessa's house for the first time to protect her against "being ripped off by some adoption wackos". I thought - wow, I'm sure that's exactly what birthparents and their families fear going into the whole thing! I liked being able to watch an adoption story from "the other side". I haven't taken the time to read all the posts about why people didn't like Vanessa, but I could relate to her lifelong anticipation of becoming a mother and the pain in her eyes when Juno said "You should just be glad YOU're not pregnant!" when undoubtedly that had been her original wish before considering adoption. I too was (and still am) awed by the miracle of pregnancy and can't imagine the amazing feeling of having a baby inside you, which is why I liked the scene in the mall when she got to feel Juno's baby moving. Our daughter was a "baby on the ground" so I never got to have that experience. The thing that encouraged me most about the movie was that Juno still decided to place the baby with Vanessa after she and Mark split up. I know I was very concerned when Scott and I split up last year that Jenna's birthparents would be upset about their decision and regret their decision to place because we didn't stay married. It was so nice to see that a birthmother could judge the heart of a woman like me, who wanted to be a mother more than anything, and look beyond her marital situation. Juno knew that even alone, Vanessa would give the baby the abundance of love Juno wanted for him. I know that Jenna has that same abundance of love from both me and her dad, even though we don't live together any more, and it was just nice to know that a birthmother might still make that decision if she saw the love and commitment to the child...whether the adoptive parent was single or married.

I agree. The Bible clearly states that God allows us to go through trials so that after we have endured them in faith, we are then able to help others going through similar trials of their own. I know that I could not have made it through our adoption process without the love and support of my friends here on the Abrazo forum who shared their own strength, hope and experiences with me. I have also in turn been given the opportunity to educate several preschool teaching staffs about adoption and how to be more supportive of adoptive families. Every day I look at Jenna, she is so beautiful, and I am amazed that God chose me to be her mother. I am SO blessed to be right where I'm at, no matter what pain it took to get me here!

Congratulations Brian and Nicole! FINALLY we (your fellow Tremendous Ten parents) know what Isabella looks like! She is beautiful, and looks thrilled to be a big sister! Please send me a PM so we can exchange contact info and get back in touch! Congrats again on your sweet new daughter Gabriella! Love, Linda and Jenna

Hallelulia! God is good! I have FINALLY found a new church home that is just right...Tina, you were right in that as much as I loved going to my neighborhood Methodist church, in looking at the denomination and some of its current directions, it was just too different from the Baptist church for me to feel comfortable switching. Fortunately, I ran across an old and dear friend of mine who is directing a women's class at a different large Baptist church here in Houston. I have visited it plus a class for single moms there, and it is wonderful. It has a lot of the same qualities I loved about my smaller church, only it's bigger. It's also nice to just be surrounded by godly women to support and mentor me through this journey. Jenna also loves the church and has already made friends with several older girls who are begging to babysit her already! (Got to love that! ) Thanks everyone for giving me your two cents and helping me figure this thing out. It has truthfully been the hardest thing I've gone through since being separated.

Oh my gosh, Elizabeth, that video is GREAT! You are right - I want to send it to all my friends, both Jewish and Christian! Thanks for sharing it!! Linda

OK, here is a topic I hope I can get feedback on, because I am in a very interesting quandry! Please note that my specific questions relate somewhat to my divorce, but I think it would also be good to get others to think about how they chose their place of worship and why. Scott and I were members for many years (like 15+ years) at a very large Baptist church here in Houston. It was a good place to be early on in our relationship because with its size, there was a lot of diversity in thought, and Scott felt comfortable there even though he was not originally a Christian when we met. Well, we married there and several years later he accepted Christ at an event he went to with some of those church members. We got involved with a good Sunday morning Bible study and other ministries within the church over the years. I held several leadership positions in both Sunday School as well as their ministry for working women. About 2 years ago, I felt a real leading to go to a smaller church because I felt we weren't growing spiritually (either separately or together) and I wanted to have more opportunities to be mentored by older women in the church, which just wasn't going to happen in a mega church where ministries were mostly divided by age group. After visiting several churches, we ended up joining a mid-size Baptist church that my parents were members of when I was in college. I knew many of the people and actually saw some people I had known at the large church because they too had left for similar reasons. I was thrilled to be asked to join the Advertising/Communication committee because I could use my professional skills to benefit the church and in evangelism. I also became a short-term Bible study leader in the women's ministry. Unfortunately, despite my involvement in the church, Scott started to get involved but didn't stay with it. We grew even more apart spiritually and in other ways, and of course most of you know now that we are divorcing. When the bombshell hit my marriage in January and I knew we had to divorce, I leaned heavily on the good friends I had made at the large church. And because it was a large church that had programs specifically geared to single parents as well as a DivorceCare class (both of which the mid-size church where I am a member did not have), I began to consider rejoining the church. However, after visiting a few times, even though I enjoyed it, there was just something inside me that wasn't comfortable. It was then I started visiting the Methodist church where my daughter goes to school. I really enjoyed the quieter, more liturgical service and the fact that Jenna saw her friends from school on Sunday mornings and at churchwide family events. I also liked that their singles dept offered parallel children's programs or childcare for their events. However, when I visited a Sunday School class, I noticed it was not only quite small, but there were very few people my age in attendance (most were age 55+) and some of the people were quite cynical. It was a far cry from the upbeat, joyful crowds I was used to at both Baptist churches I had attended. In contrast, however, I attended a Friday night singles event and it was great - very positive, spiritual, with people from all different churches. The singles minister is also supportive of my idea to start a weekday Bible study for single moms (she knows a number of ones in the church with small children besides myself) with a DVD program I found. So here I am, a little nervous about the quality of the Sunday School classes at this Methodist churches and wondering if I will meet people at the church closer to my own age, but nevertheless feeling like I am growing spiritually and it's where Jenna can feel secure during this homelife transition....so I've just about decided I'm going to join this church when I start getting calls from ministers at the two Baptist churches I had been attending. One from the mid-sized one understood me needing to go to a church that supported single moms but urged me not to change my membership so I could stay on the communications committee, and one from the large church was encouraging me to try some of their other singles classes I hadn't visited yet and thought it would be great if Jenna were to be in a stronger, more biblically-based Sunday School class herself (she's not quite at the age in the Methodist church where they start teaching Bible in Sunday School - right now, it's pretty much playtime). Help! I have never felt so torn about church! I want to take advantage of some of the programs I'm already going to at the big Baptist church, and yet I still feel that there is a spiritual growth taking place within the context of the Methodist church I really like and I do think Jenna needs her close friends and family relationships right now. On the other hand, I have been a Baptist for 25 years and it is a concern that the Methodist church doesn't seem to attract younger adults or have strong Bible teaching on Sundays (they do have good weekday studies, as I understand it)...I also love some of the people at the mid-sized Baptist church and enjoy serving there, but don't think that's a real good reason to keep my membership there. I have no problem attending all three churches at various times and taking part in their programs. However, at some point in time, I'm going to have to make a decision about membership and it's somewhat difficult due to the pressure some of the people are putting me under. Any suggestions or experience with being torn between multiple churches? Thoughts on how you made the decision to join one or another? Ultimately, I know it will come down to me and the Holy Spirit, but the Bible also says to seek godly counsel from other believers, so I'd really love your feedback! Thanks!

What a wonderful poem. In thinking about this subject, I think it is much easier to be "accepting" of different things when you are approaching adoption the second time around. I believe it's not until we have children and love them 100% just the way they are, "imperfections" and everything, that we realize that no-one is perfect - not us, not the babies. Some start out perfectly healthy but develop major issus later. Other may not have gotten a good start but end up just fine. As for the race factor? I think "fitting in" with your family can be an issue, but I can tell you that when I look at my Hispanic daughter, all I see is a beautiful little girl who I get to call MINE! I had an interesting conversation regarding birthparents with someone in my office a few weeks ago, who commented that if drugs or alcohol were factors with our child's birthparents, then we better "be careful" with our child because "those things are hereditary". She stopped talking as soon as I mentioned that some of our own biological family members had struggled with alcohol, and so even a biological child of ours would have some risk too! A good friend suggested I should have just told the person that while everyone else's families may be perfect, ours wasn't, so it was just as well that we got a child with less than perfect genes too! I think Jesus said it well..."whoever of you is without sin (or imperfection) may cast the first stone".....hmmm, did anyone notice that no one volunteered?!

Oh my, Sandi! I can't believe the ridiculous things that girl was told! I thought I had heard it all, having worked at the Holocaust Museum, but that is just bizarre. I appreciate your insight and I think your perspective is very helpful! I'm glad you're here to share a Jewish perspective. FYI, Jews for Jesus is a specific ministry and you are right, that they are not well liked within the Jewish community (I think mostly because of their evangelism tactics). But they are not representative of all Messianic Jews. Elizabeth, thanks for starting this post! On another note, there was recently a Jewish holiday that is SO fun to celebrate, which is Purim. It is where the entire book of Esther is read and some of the congregations will create musicals around it, and all the children dress up in costumes and boo Haman. I do have to wonder why the church stopped some of these great celebrations of God's miracles (like Hannukah, too!)...they are great!

Lisa, I've done a lot of ministry work in this area and have several good resources. Just give me a call or PM me. I took a couple of classes through a group called the Institute of Hebraic Christian Studies (http://www.rbooker.com/html/ihcs.html) here in Houston. They covered the Jewish roots of Christianity. It really made me see how much we're connected, even though the church hasn't recognized that for many centuries! I also used to be a docent at the Holocaust Museum. If you and your husband are Christians, you may want to consider going to a Messianic Jewish congregation. I have been to their services and they are quite wonderful. They are just like traditional Jewish services (more like the Conservative branch, not Orthodox) but they believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Hope this helps! Linda

Well, all right!! I am visiting my sis in North Carolina, just a mile or two down the road from this lucky couple! I wonder, Stork Central, will they be back in their neck of the woods by Saturday so I can give them a special welcome home call? Or will they still be in Texas awating interstate compact? If they'll be home soon, someone in our group please PM me their phone number so I can hook up with them while I'm here! I'd hate to miss the opportunity to see the newest Tremendous Ten Abrazobabe! Linda

What a great list, Elizabeth! My parents didn't go with us to San Antonio, but were there at our home the minute we got back. What meant the most to us was: 1) My mom kept telling me what a natural mother I was. I can't tell you how much that meant to me - it not only made me feel like all we went through to become parents was so worth it, but it also gave me a lot of confidence in an area (parenting) I knew very little about! It was good to know I could trust my instincts and that my own mom thought I was doing a good job despite my ignorance. 2) My parents took care of our meals for the first few days, even if it just meant making sandwiches or bringing in take-out. That took a huge burden off me (oh, and they also did the dishes, which took the burden off Scott!). 3) They offered to look after Jenna for a few hours one afternoon so Scott and I could go out and spend time alone together. It was such a treat to be able to just go out to lunch with the hubby and talk about our feelings about everything that had transpired over the previous week! That time enabled us to get refreshed and ready for the sleepless nights ahead! Linda

I don't have two kids, so I'm not sure I can be that big a help. But here are my thoughts - does the adult just relate better to a 5-year-old than to a 3-year-old? Some people are baby people and some are into older kids. My mom is a baby person and so she was kinda rude to my sister's kids (ages 2 and 6) this holiday season because she was so focused on the newest grandkid, my daughter Jenna. I eventually had to stop letting her hold Jenna so much so she would have to redirect her attention to the other children (whose home we were in, by the way!). I also remember visiting both sets of grandparents when I was young and we related much more to the ones from the city than the ones from the country, simply because we had lived a city life. You might try spending more time with this person and just Tyson so he or she gets to know him a little better and can learn to relate to and appreciate him. If that doesn't work, you should pull the person aside and let them know how they may be making Tyson feel by not giving him any attention and lathering it on Tey. Linda

I agree with everyone about Dr. Phil being incredibly insensitive about adoption issues... but on another note, Lisa makes a good point! Even though I frequently refer to our infertility trials and the whole adoption process as my "labor pains", may I never forget who had to endure the physical challenge of birthing my child!! When we were in the waiting stage, I remember people telling me, "Oh, now that you're adopting, you'll probaby get pregnant" and my reply was, "I hope not!" because I was just fine with the idea of having a baby WITHOUT the pregnant body and labor pains! It's so easy to forget when we are holding our little babies, thanking God for such a miraculous blessing, about how much pain - both emotional AND physical - their birthmoms had to endure. May we take the time to remember JUST how much of a sacrifice they made in order for our dreams to come true. Linda

PS - It took us 7 years to have a child, of which over 2 years were in and out of the adoption process, so I have read just about everything out there. Everyone at our orientation group thought we were a bit weird, I think, when we pulled out our "library" of adoption books we were recommending and/or donating to the agency! Here are my top ones - I looked up their authors on Amazon.com: Adoption is a Family Affair by Patricia Irwin Johnson The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnson The Adoption Resource Book by Lois Gilman Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff FYI, all of the books above are helpful guides. The exception is Secret Thoughts, which is a brutally honest memoir of one woman's adoption experience, including her bizarre and sometime negative thoughts about different aspects of her situation. Some people don't like it, but I found it provided some much needed humor in an otherwise somewhat stressful process!

Hi Elaine! The best book I've seen on the subject is "Adoption is a Family Affair". I don't remember the author, but check with Abrazo. I think we donated a copy to them at our orientation meeting. We bought copies for my parents and sister, and it covers everything from how the process works to positive adoption language. It's very good for establishing expectations and letting them know how they can be supportive of you and your child through the whole process. There are a number of children's books out there that cover adoption, but each one is slightly different in its emphasis. Jamie Lee Curtis' one is very popular - it's called "Tell me about the night I was born" and it covers her experience as an adoptive mom and how she went to get her child when she was born. If I were you, I would use the Family Affair book as a guide for explaining things to your family, and then once you have completed your adoption, find a children's book that most closely reflects your experience that you can use to explain it to your nieces, nephews, etc. (or even your own child!). Good luck! Linda

I didn't see the show but it is a shame people would not only treat their child like that, but then also air it all over the country via a TV show!! But it does raise a good point about how to not treat your adopted child. Not only is it horrible to tell them they are worthless and shouldn't have been adopted, but it is equally as bad for adoptive parents to go on and on about how the child should be grateful for the way they "rescued" him/her from a life of poverty, etc., etc. I have seen this done to a child and it is very detrimental to his self esteem because instead of making him feel grateful, it makes him feel guilty and makes him wonder if he even deserves to be where he is (versus back in the "other" world). Even though this kind of treatment is more common with international adoptions from 3rd world countries, I could see it happening with well-to-do families whose children's birthfamilies are in a lower economic strata.

Wow, what an awesome birthcouple! I can't imagine how wonderful it must be to be able to give your daughter a letter of blessing from her birthfather, so she knows the adoption decision was made in love. Congrats to the new parents! Linda

I think it's a great article. My own experience is that all racial prejudices went out the window with family members I might have been concerned about before we adopted Jenna. There is very much of a feeling of "she's one of us". The only challenge I've had is encouraging the incorporation of Latin American traditions into our family because that in my mind celebrates Jenna's heritage. The pushback I've gotten is that since she is "one of us" she should just "blend in" and fit into our family's traditions, etc. The idea of introducing new ones that come from the newest family member is an odd concept to some people. I think they are being overprotective, not wanting Jenna to feel "different" rather than looking upon it as a way for her to make her own unique contribution to our family. I'm sure it will all pan out when Jenna gets older and can make her own decisions as to how much she wants to add from her Hispanic background.

What about telling your child she has a sister or brother who wasn't placed for adoption? We don't have a lot of info on Jenna's birthfamily but know she has one full birth sibling and several half sisters and brothers. When is an appropriate time/age to breach this subject? Do they typically feel a lot of hurt knowing they were placed but the others weren't? If contact is made with a birth sibling, how do they (the siblings) usually respond?

For us, it was when everything fell into place...the money, the job situation, etc. and when we felt like having a child was the most important thing to us in the world. We were willing to do whatever it took and it didn't matter about the biological connection. We wanted to be parents. Period. Unlike fertility treatments, adoption is pretty much a sure thing once you get your home study approved. It's like Abrazo says "not if, but when"!

We only had immediate family for Jenna's dedication. For one thing, our church is HUGE and visitors can sometimes feel lost in the crowd. It takes some of the intimacy out of events like baptisms, dedications, etc. Anyway, my sister was in town from NC and my parents attended. The gifts they gave were for the ceremony - Sharon gave Jenna a beautiful satin bib with a cross on it and my mother gave us a little Bible she was given as a baby, as well as a bonnet my grandmother had made.