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Most of the concerns we hear from birthparents' parents have to do with trying to understand what their role is--or should be-- when their son or daughter is participating in an open adoption. The birthgrandparents worry that if they are too encouraging, their child (the birthparent) may blame them afterwards for not shielding them from the grief and heartache that comes with the placement decision... or they feel guilty, thinking that they should offer to raise the grandchild themselves and spare their child the potential pain altogether... they worry about what the adopting couple may think of them, how the adoptive family may let the birthparent down if open adoption promises aren't kept after placement, and they have concerns about how open to be with other relatives and family members once the adoption is done-- do they put pictures of the adopted child (the birthgrandchild) out around the house with their others or hide them in a drawer? Oftentimes, birthgrandparents who didn't originally support the adoption plan come around in time, and then don't know how to mend fences and express an interest in the child's welfare without coming off as hypocritical. If their son or daughter doesn't bring up the adoption in conversation, they don't know how to ask about it.
One particularly good book is "My Child is a Parent" (authored by Mary Stephenson, if we've got the name right); it's one birthgrandmother's journey through her teenage daughter's adoption decision. She was not originally comfortable with the concept of openness, but over the years that followed, found it to be an enormous blessing in her life and the birthgrandchild's, particularly years later, after her own daughter (the birthmom) had married and then succumbed to cancer. Sad as this was, the ending was happy, because the open adoption plan helped both of the adoptee's families (birth and adoptive) to support her in this loss and to maintain a sense of connection despite her birthmother's death.
How about all of yous, out there? Are your child's birthgrandparents involved? What's worked best, in your experience? Any advice? Input? Perspectives from all around the adoption triad?
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It's a boy for the first of the Fabulous Sixpackers (11/01), as the first couple of that orientation group has completed placement (one down and five to go!) Meanwhile, DuckBlind Faith (8/01) is moving speedily towards completion, with the placement this week of another newborn son for another of that orientation group's proud set of new parents.
And three is surely the magic number for a couple in Abrazo's designated adoption program, whose networking efforts resulted in the birth of triplets (two boys and a girl) this past week here in San Antonio! (Their adoption story will soon be featured in a special on the Hallmark Channel this spring, so stay tuned.) Congratulations, all!
Finally, a hearty welcome to the newest members of the Abrazo adoption community, the eight couples who completed our "Parents of Tomorrow" orientation event just this weekend, and christened their group The Mamas & The Papas II. We wish them all precious new sons and daughters before year's end! As for the faithful and few still-waiting within our program, just remember: your turn is coming, so do your "getting ready" now, and it'll happen before you know it! Cheers!
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Happy New Year! Several Abrazo families have been blessed with precious new little family members with whom to celebrate the turn of the calendar page... so it is that we all send fond congrats to our Dallas-area againers (Duck blind Faith, 8/01) who added a second son to their family tree just days after Christmas, and to the Wannababies (5/01) grads who have just become proud parents of a newborn baby boy, their first child!
If you're still out there waiting and hoping and waiting and longing and you need some encouragement, don't take our word for it--post an S.O.S. here on the Forum and chances are the real experts, our veterans, have just the advice it takes to recharge your batteries and renew your faith in the real-life miracle sure to come your way in the year ahead. Because all the wisest of Abrazo's alumni know that the best things in life truly are worth waiting for, and good things do come to those who wait! Take heart! Not "if?!" but "when!"
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The holidays are shining just a bit brighter (okay, a whole lot brighter!) for three happy Abrazo families who are celebrating the season with some extra special houseguests this week!
A Tennessee couple from our March 2001 weekend (Lucky Leprachauns) was tickled to discover they truly did "start their psychological pregnancy at orientation," since their new son was born here nine months to the day! And two Texas families from Duck Blind Faith (August 2001) both gladly rerouted Christmas travel plans to journey to San Antonio to claim their newborn miracles, a boy for one and a girl for the other.
Congratulations to all, and to all, a good night!
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ADOPTION AT WHAT PRICE?"
The Washington Times
" target="_blank">http://www.washtimes.com/culture[/i]
After three years of trying to have a baby, "my husband and I decided to take a more serious look at adoption," Theresa Kwasny wrote in a 1998 e-mail message to an Internet adoption-support group.But her first packet of information about adoption contained stunning news — an estimated cost of adoption between ฝ,000 and ฤ,000.
"While we have boundless love in our hearts for a child, we do not have boundless cash in our pockets," Mrs. Kwasny wrote. "Can we have hope that we can have a baby without going to the poorhouse?"
Sticker shock has become a rite of passage in adoption.
The most common form of adoption — of children from U.S. foster-care systems — is the least expensive, often costing a few thousand dollars.
But adopting from state foster care, especially across state lines, can be time-consuming and frustrating. Moreover, not all prospective parents are willing to adopt children who are of a different race, school-age, disabled or part of a sibling group.
Parents seeking infants or toddlers typically turn to domestic private adoption or international adoption. Both types carry estimated price tags of ฝ,000 to ึ,000, according to the National Council for Adoption (NCFA).
Children are priceless and many adoption expenses are certainly reasonable, several adoptive families say, but some expenses are questionable.
"Somehow, there's got to be a way to get this so that there's not so many people with their hands in the pot," said Tom Schwendeman, who estimates that he and his wife, Kirsten, have paid at least ไ,000 to adopt four young children with Down syndrome.
The Battle Ground, Wash., couple, who have two teen-agers, adopted two children privately in the United States, and twin girls from Russia.
Each adoption was more costly than projected. The twins' adoptions, for instance, originally were estimated at ภ,000. The Schwendemans estimated they paid closer to ำ,000, because of costly international paperwork, Russian-required housing payments and surprise "last-minute" fees.
Expenses for the toddler they adopted from New Jersey and the baby from Pennsylvania — บ,000 and ů,000, respectively — also ran higher than expected because they were handled privately, without going through the public foster-care system.
"People like us, with a single income it's almost impossible to make
it. We are strapped payday to payday and that should not be," said Mr. Schwendeman, who works for an airline.
"But it's the stay-at-home moms who have the time" to care for the children, said Mrs. Schwendeman. "We do it because we love the kids," she said, adding that she and her husband had long ago decided they would adopt children with Down syndrome.
Stuart Mac Lean, a Virginia adoptive father, rejoices in his three foreign-born children and has no complaints about his adoption attorney or the group that has helped make the adoption happen. But he questions several expenses — like being fingerprinted repeatedly or the charge for a "green card" for a daughter who automatically becomes a U.S. citizen upon arrival here.
"When you're talking about an adoption that costs over ฤ,000 and you're adding several hundred dollars more to it, it adds up. There's so much rigamarole you have to go through," said Mr. Mac Lean.
NCFA President Patrick Purtill said adoption is a complex, delicate process that touches many people's lives and involves weeks of paperwork, home studies and legal counsel.
One reason many domestic private adoptions are expensive is because the costs of caring for unwed mothers — including those who decide not give up their children for adoption — are shared by adoptive families, he said.
The NCFA's Adoption Factbook III says "if the average cost of serving a pregnant client is Ű,000, and if one of every three clients decides on adoption, the cost per adoption is ศ,000." Birth mothers are not required to repay the costs of their care, so agencies recover some of these expenses by spreading them among adoptive families, the book said.
Still, the reason for high adoption costs basically is "supply and demand," said Peter Gibbs, director of the Center for Adoption Research at the University of Massachusetts.
Decades ago, religiously funded charities worked to find families for babies, usually at minimal cost to the families, said Mr. Gibbs. But with the advent of contraception, legal abortion, acceptance of single parenting and persistent biases against adoption, fewer infants now are in need of adoption.
As a result, adoption charities largely have given way to independent agencies and other professionals who sell their services mostly to find babies for families, said Mr. Gibbs.
Adoption reform has tended to focus on children who are in state foster care, including the 127,000 now free for adoption.
Federal law now forbids blocking adoptions because of race or keeping children indefinitely in foster care. This year, Congress raised the adoption tax credit to บ,000, so taxpaying adoptive families can recoup some of their adoption costs. State tax credits also may be available.
But adoption is largely state-run and filled with special-interest groups, which makes it hard to enact reforms such as universal standards, regulations or other cost controls, say adoption specialists.
Some corporate and private foundations have stepped up to help adoptive families with costs. Maureen Hogan, executive director of the National Adoption Foundation, which offers low-interest loans and grants of 踰 to Ŭ,000, says she gets "hundreds" of applications from families each week.
"Consumers need to rise up and demand transparency, consistency and accountability" in adoption, said Mrs. Hogan, who compared the adoption industry to the funeral-home industry in its ability to overcharge people at an emotional and vulnerable time in their lives.
Meanwhile, the Kwasnys, who live in Springdale, Ark., overcame their shock at the costs of adoption, opened a "baby fund" and last year paid ย,000 to adopt a 9-month-old girl from China.
"Adoption is a great thing, and we're glad there's babies out there," Mrs. Kwasny said, adding that they would like to adopt a little sister for Kate in a year or two. "But I still wonder why the costs have to be so high."
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Not even Santa could've loaded more-wanted surprizes on his sleigh...! It's a newborn girl for a childless couple from our 8/01 orientation group, Duck Blind Faith, while the Lucky Leprechauns of 3/01 are celebrating snails, pails and puppy dog tails upon learning that another of their own have become proud parents of a baby boy born just this past weekend.
Season's Greetings to these lucky new parents and to all our parents-in-waiting, due the same wonderful little bundles when the time is right!
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And the Diaperwarmers are officially done, with the happy arrival of one final couple and their beautiful baby girl!
Congratulations to all the happy parents who came to the January 2001 weekend with hopes in hand and whom have now all seen their dreams come true!
(And fond salutations, of course, to all the loving birthfamilies whose selfless choices made these miracles possible between January and December.)
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What a lovely post from the Fogos! We all have so much for which to say thanks this year.
And in just the past week or so, three more Abrazo families have been blessed with special little reasons (a bevy of beauties!) for which to be particularly grateful this holiday season!!
One joyous Texas couple, from our 5/01 orientation Wannababies, recently celebrated the birth of their new baby girl, just one week after their first phone call with her birthmom (and two months after a failed placement plan in another town)... A California family who'd already adopted once before and enjoy annual visits with their daughter's birthfamily gladly added a second vacation destination to their annual itinerary with the placement of a second little girl, born in Dallas... and excited graduates of our 1/01 orientation weekend, the Diaperwarmers are tickled pink with the newborn daughter they flew down from Tennessee to meet just today.
Congratulations to all, and to all those soon (and sure) to follow, as well!
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We're happy to report two more happy homecomings this week!
The Families on the Ground orientation group (11/00) is officially completed, with one final placement of a bouncing baby boy with a Dallas-area couple this week. (May this year's November grads move along the adoption trail just as swiftly and successfully!)
And dreams came true in blue for another of our March orientation participants (Lucky Leprechauns, 3/01,) as a central Texas couple from that weekend took placement of a newborn boy just yesterday... Congrats to both these Lone Star state families (and all to follow, from Texas and beyond!)
We remember, of course, that none of this progress would have occurred without the love and sacrifice of many caring and selfless birthparents. We're especially grateful to all of them this Thanksgiving season, for making so many dreams come true this year--not just for so many folks who so wanted to become parents, but most of all, for the children involved. Bless you, all!
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Yippee-ai-yeah! A North Carolina couple (graduates of our Twelve Couples & a Baby orientation weekend) have found themselves at home on the range and doubly blessed for their patience--they are now the proud parents of not one but two precious 'lil cowboys, and the brothers are thriving in the care of their loving new family.
Congrats, also, to another couple from Duck Blind Faith, Tennesseans from our 8/01 orientation group, who today became the happy new mom and dad of a gorgeous baby girl born just last week.
And welcome to our latest Parents of Tomorrow additions, the Fabulous Six Packers (11/01) who graduated from orientation this past weekend and are already revving up their adoption engines! We love all our clients, old and new, and wish you Godspeed along the way to familyhood!
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Big doings in the baby department lately! Duckblind Faith graduates, start those gift mailings, because one of your own just arrived home this week with their precious new baby girl, and she's a beauty!
Kudos to the Abrazo alumni couple who came to Reunion this summer, mentioned they were ready for #2, and suddenly got called into action this week, when the agency needed a special family, well-versed in openness and able to welcome into their lives a baby boy in need of a local family.
And trios of hurrahs for our Abrazo alums celebrating a recent court decision ensuring the pending homecoming of their third precious daughter, a months-old bio-sib to the two sisters already in their loving home.
So for those still waiting and struggling to believe it can and will happen, keep those home lanterns lit, because you will be parents, and there is light at the end of this tunnel! Congratulations, all!
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DATE CHANGE!
Please note that the last Parents of Tomorrow weekend for 2001 has been moved to November 2-4, and that the host hotel site is now Hill Country Inn & Suites; those interested in attending must have completed inquiry and application on file and contact Angi Moller, Family Services Coordinator, for official registration forms and further confirmation.
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Hurrah for Sabrina, faithful Forum participant, who mentioned at this summer's Camp Abrazo she was ready for baby #2 and turned that dream into reality within months--before we could even get her scheduled for a second orientation weekend! And congrats, also, to the Wannabe grads who took placement of a second daughter, through Abrazo this summer, only to learn that the birthmom of their first daughter was also interested in placing with them again--they're now home with number #3, and learning to manage the challenges of two non-twin infants under the age of six months (a rarity allowed in an nonfinalized placement situation only when a bio-sib becomes available!) They report that life is thrice as nice with three little girls to dote on and delight in, and we wish them 3 extra sets of hands to help! :-)
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If you're searching for just the right family for your precious baby, we've got just the people for you!
Abrazo offers overnight delivery of free color profiles of our fabulous parents-in-waiting... loving couples who could never become parents without the courage and unselfishness of someone like you. Our families are carefully screened and ready for immediate placement of children of all ages, races and backgrounds.
Abrazo-approved families are committed to openness in their adoptions, because they truly understand and appreciate what birthparents go through to make adoption choices and because they want to raise their children to love and respect their birthparents for those choices.
If you want some professional help in finding the best possible parents for your infant or child, use the use the "messenger" option on this screen to contact Stork Central and an Abrazo staff member will respond, or else call our office (in Texas, dial 1-800-454-5683; if outside the state, call us collect at 210/342-LOVE) and we'll get you in touch with the family of your dreams...
Because they're just waiting to get you to welcome you and your little one into their lives!
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The agency often gets calls from single persons inquiring about adopting. Granted, many birthparents are unwilling to consider a one-parent home for their baby, especially if their desire to give their child a two-parent home is a motivating factor in their placement decision. However, there are loving mothers out there who were themselves the product of one-parent homes and recognize the value of a single but fully dedicated parent of either gender.
But who better to provide insight and answers than those who've successfully negotiated the challenges of adopting and parenting as a single parent?! Or those who've made the decision to match with or place into a loving home where one parent does it all? Let's hear from those of you with questions to ask or stories to share!
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Fall is in the air, and hunting season draws near, as we welcome the graduates of our latest orientation weekend, Duck Blind Faith of August 2001. One couple from that group is already celebrating the arrival of a precious baby girl, and they send their best wishes and warm encouragement to all others who are still "expecting"... and recently, another set of Diaperwarmers moved into the parenting column with the birth of their new son over Labor Day weekend. Congratulations, and hurrahs also for those who've recently matched (there's a bunch of you lately) and are just awaiting the big day. Still awaiting that special call? Your turn will come. Get out and rake some leaves and listen for the phone...! It'll happen.
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It's a bevvy of boy babies!! Hearty congrats to the families of four fine little fellas who headed home with new folks in the last days of July, moving the 12 Couples & A Baby, the Families on the Ground, and the Wannababies all further towards completion!
Remember--the best things in life truly are worth waiting for, and if you're still in the "waiting" column, know that your child's arrival will be the answer to the question of "why" it couldn't happen before it did. So in the meantime, do the things any expectant parents would do! Take that newborn care class now! Interview pediatricians so the right doc's in place when baby comes home. Sleep up while you can! Enjoy "date nights" with your spouse! And keep the faith, because you know in your heart you're meant to be a parent, and so do we.
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It's summertime, and the loving is easy--especially when it entails welcoming home some precious new daughters!
Abrazo celebrates the first of many homecomings for the Wannababies (5/01) as one faithful couple welcomes home their second baby girl, after enduring several failed, pre-Abrazo placement plans out of state (including disrupted adoptions separating children already placed with them from their loving care, a fear they are free from in Texas, where state law disallows arbitrary "reclaim periods" after relinquishment is completed.) Congrats also to the first of the Lucky Leprechauns (3/01), againers who added a second precious newborn son to their family just over a year after the first.
We also are proud to announce that one of our most beloved Abrazofamilies (formerly from Memphis, where they graciously hosted several Friday night orientation gatherings for incoming clients before moving to Arkansas) have taken placement of their first daughter's biological sister, a precious preschooler sure to keep them busy!
And finally, the last of the Bold& On Hold orientation folks (7/00) have ended their search for the perfect baby with the arrival of a baby girl born Monday night, surely worth the wait.
Congrats to all, and best wishes to those still waiting...
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Recently, we learned that an Abrazo birthmom who'd placed a son for adoption years ago has set up her own website, and we've asked her permission to post a link here:
www.geocities.com/k_renaeb/Adoption.html
Why does Karly want to share her experience with others? In her own words: "I want people to see what I had to say about Abrazo. If you also have people who want to talk to someone who is going through this about what I went through, then I want to be someone they can talk to... I know for me, it helped when (agency employee) April told me her story because I was talking with someone who had been there and not just someone who did not really know how I was feeling. So if I can help just let me know. I will try my hardest."
Many thanks to Karly and to all who give of themselves to help others along the way!
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Oops-- apologies from S.C.--the home office has been so busy with preparations for Camp Abrazo, we've neglected our duties here! Nonetheless, here we are and this week, we are celebrating yet another couple of baby homecomings, both boys! One little fella, born last week, is headed home to North Carolina with his proud new folks from the Diaperwarmers (1/01), while the other was welcomed home by his Texan single mom and more than a half dozen excited (and adopted) siblings! Congratulations to both families, and cheers to those whose turn is surely coming.
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Abrazo doesn't offer wait time estimates based on skin pigmentation or ethnicity alone, since there are so many unknown variables which impact the process, as WeAdoptedThree mentioned; however, the agency's official website and other printed materials generally advise prospective clients that the average wait time is 6-12 months, with many placements happening in less than 6 months for those who are childless, with more flexible placement preferences. Hope this is helpful to those trying to understand the timing of the process.
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Adoption is, truly, the investment of a lifetime... but the costs seem to rise every year, in the domestic adoption system as well as in foreign adoptions. Congress is considering doubling the adoption tax credit, but that doesn't do much to help those who are struggling to find the means to get to placement (and particularly with the recession looming overhead)!
Can anyone out there offer some good advice for newbies about managing the expenses of adopting? How do you save up enough to enter the adoption process, especially if you're coming off a long and costly round of fertility treatments? Or do you borrow to the hilt? Take out a second mortgage? And then what about all the unanticipated, added costs that come with new babies?
We all hate to talk about it, but the reality is that this "elephant in the living room" scares off a lot of good, would-be parents. Adoption shouldn't ever be about money, but it does have its place in the conversation--so let's talk about it... Feedback? Advice? Rants? Suggestions?
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Change those welcome bouquets from blue posies to pink ones--as two more families from Families on the Ground have taken home beautiful new little baby daughters!
And welcome to our newest parents-in-waiting, the WannaBabies, who completed orientation this past weekend. Hey--we told 'em to get those nurseries ready, just as we tell all of you, so this is why! Wishing you all joyous tidings, not if, just when...!
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We're singing the blues this week, but it's a happy tune! to celebrate two more homecomings of two more baby boys with two more happy couples! A childless couple from Families on the Ground (11/00) well known to Forum folk became parents of a precious newborn son, as did againers who attended the Diaperwarmers weekend in 1/01. Hurrah for both groups, because these arrivals are proof positive that adoption works, for grown-ups and (most importantly) for little kids!
(Some time ago, "Christophersmom" proposed in Kidstuff that forum members swap baby pix via family website addresses--what a marvelous idea! Maybe some of the proud new moms and dads of arrivals heralded here would be willing to share an online glimpse of their little miracles (because as they say, a picture's worth a thousand words, and for those still waiting, a little bit of hope can go a long, long way...)
In Denial? Late Planners, You're Not Alone!
in Considering Adoption?
Posted
Why do some birthmoms wait 'til the very end to make adoption plans? For many, coming to terms with the reality of an untimely pregnancy takes both time and courage. If you or someone you know is needing help dealing with the "right now" or planning for the future, let Abrazo help! Call 1-800-454-5683 anytime, to talk with one of our caring counselors. We understand!
'Denial' Over Pregnancy Not Uncommon: Study
Fri Feb 22,11:58 AM ET
By Amy Norton
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Cases in which women don't realize or don't accept that they are pregnant until they are far along--or even in labor--are not as rare as commonly thought, German researchers report.
And, they say, doctors may be able to do more to spot such unrecognized pregnancies.
When the researchers looked at Berlin-area obstetrics hospitals and practices between 1995 and 1996, they found 62 cases in which a woman's pregnancy wasn't verified until after the 20th week. For 25 of these women, "pregnancy was diagnosed" during labor, Drs. Jens Wessel and Ulrich Buscher report in the February 23rd issue of the British Medical Journal. Wessel, of Humboldt University in Berlin, told Reuters Health that many of these women had noticed physical changes such as weight gain and loss of menstruation.
"However," Wessel said, "subjectively, there was no association with a pregnant state--which, in other words, is denial."
According to the researchers, their results indicate that 1 in 475 pregnancies in the study area were denied by the woman.
"The common view that denied pregnancies are exotic and rare events is not valid," they write in the report.
Wessel said that the reasons a woman might deny pregnancy are varied and no "typical" explanation has been found in research. In this study, many women "rationalized" pregnancy symptoms, Wessel noted. For example, some women in their 40s attributed their lost periods to menopause, while others felt their increased appetites explained their weight gain.
Denial of pregnancy is a serious matter, in large part because of how it can affect the newborn, the researchers explain. The risk of prematurity, low birth weight and need for neonatal intensive care is higher in these pregnancies, Wessel said.
One of the surprising findings from this study, Wessel pointed out, is that about 40% of these women had visited a doctor while their pregnancies were yet unrecognized. And, the researcher said, women often saw their doctors specifically for symptoms commonly seen in pregnancy, such as nausea, fatigue and heartburn. In nearly all cases, Wessel noted, the doctor was not an obstetrician/gynecologist.
According to Wessel, this result suggests that doctors may need to suspect pregnancy more often when faced with certain symptoms--and, therefore, do more pregnancy tests. (SOURCE: British Medical Journal 2002;324:458.)