1st x grandma

You folks are awesome… My heart aches daily due to the reason I am part of this group “those touched by adoption,” but know that my daughter and I are blessed a million x over with this forum family. Suzi, Thanks for info on your nephew..16 yeap, tough age, though I know teens are not the only ones whose looks are important (where would some of us be without make up, me for one).. I hope he is doing well.If you don't mind me asking. how long did his full recovery take? Let’s see if I can explain this to give you a glimps at what they did.. If you look at your face and directly above your nose to the hairline, put two fingers together, and place them horizontally, with the bottom of the lower finger at the beginning/end (however you look at it) of the hairline then going up to the second finger, that’s about where they drilled the hole, the instrument actually looked like a drill bit, and because of the way her hairline is they had to shave about an inch up from that center point and beginning @ hairline, then towards the right temple. They stitched it at the entry point and then again above the temple area. This allowed them to see the flow of the fluid and check it without having to touch her face and having to move hair out of the way each time. I had told her it reminded me of when she was five and decided to give herself a haircut (wanted bangs). Much love to you all Blessings, Mari

Continuation….Part 24 I decided to tell her. I asked her were the kids were (3 & 1 yr old), she told me they were watching cartoons, I asked her if she was by them, and she told me that she was in the kitchen, (which meant they were in the den), I told her I needed to share something with her, if she could do me a favor and sit down. “Why, what is wrong”, I heard the concern in her voice. My sister-in-law was aware of my daughter’s health concerns, once we had shared with her that my daughter was pregnant, my daughter would keep her posted on her doctor appointments and her health. My sister-in-law asked if I was ok, I asked her if she was sitting and she told me she was, I started by referring back to my daughter’s morning sickness (at least what we had thought it was) and to her headaches, I told her that though we had originally thought it all had to do with her pregnancy, it actually didn’t. I shared with her the events and what had happened within our family the last several days, starting with Wed. night through the morning prior, (I knew I was sharing all this in an effort to really delay the most current situation), I forced myself to continue, I told her they had run test and it wasn’t a problem with high blood pressure nor the baby. “Is she ok now?” she asked, “are you at home?” “No,” I told her, “L, we are still at the hospital with her, she was admitted yesterday morning after we brought her in.” By this time I had a huge lump in my throat, and wasn’t really sure I was going to get through the next words, after what seemed like a long pause. I told her that they had done a CTS and found a problem with a blockage, it had caused fluid to build up in her head, “that’s what was causing all her headaches and making her sick to her stomach so much.” I told her, I heard her gasp and she asked me if they knew what the blockage could be. My next words to her tumbled out in sobs, “yes they do, Oh God, L, she has a brain tumor, they have her in the NCCU, it’s the neuro critical care unit.” As soon as those words were said, I broke down, and couldn’t speak for a little while; she gave me a chance to compose myself, I told her the doctor was planning on surgery that following Tuesday if at all possible, I told her about the procedure they had done on her the previous morning to start to remove the fluid in her head. I didn’t want to tell her that they told us she may not have made it if we hadn’t brought her in when we did, I had given her enough or maybe too much information and I knew she was, as we had been, trying to take it all in, I asked her if she was ok, I knew she was on the other side of the line, because I could hear her breathing, I was concerned that she would break down and scare the children. She said she was ok and asked me how we were doing; she just couldn’t begin to imagine what my daughter had been going through, and us. She asked me if my oldest daughter knew, or if my mom knew, and I told her that I hadn't told them yet, that she was the first to know, “actually, this is why I was calling, I want to see if R can go with me to tell my mom, I don’t want to tell her on the phone, can you have him call me when he gets home?” She said she would, and asked if we were ok and if we needed anything. “What can I say, these last few days have been a nightmare, but we are ok, we could use lots of prayers,” other than that we were good and I would call her later. I pulled myself together (just to fall apart again and again) and I called my daughter’s school counselor, gave her the grim news and asked for prayers, asked her if she could let her teachers know, before I headed back into my daughter’s room, I called two of my co-workers and let them know all we knew to that point. One of them said something that struck me, she said “thank God you were there”, and I thought how many times we do think that, Thank God we did or had…etc. , but it was odd to me, because that was not how I saw it, I had thought of that often since that night, I saw it more as Thank You God For Allowing Us To Be There, for letting us be there, I knew us being there when we needed to be, was an intercession from God, I knew this in my heart. I felt emotionally exhausted and drained, but in a way was glad to get those calls out of the way instead of having them looming over me, though I was still struggling with what/when to tell my daughter out of state. I went back into my daughter’s room and found her and her dad watching a movie; she was in pretty good spirits. Shared with her I had spoken to her aunt, she sent her hugs and kisses from her and the kids.. My daughter asked me if I had told her and what her uncle had said; I shared with her part of my conversation with her aunt, her uncle still didn’t know (due to him not being there) but that she would have him call me when he got home. Her dad left to call our pastor and to call his boss, my daughter asked me again for a mirror, still a little concerned with how she would feel when she looked into it, I asked her if she was sure. I figured she would say yes, which she did, but I wasn’t, we talked a little about the procedure, what they had done (cutting of the hair, the swelling) I guess I was trying to paint a picture for her so she wouldn’t be freaked when she saw herself. I went to pull the mirror out of my bag for her, Ok here we go, I thought as I handed it to her. She took it and placed it on her lap; I am guessing working up the nerve to look. I stayed right there, almost on top of her and watched her pretty close as the she began to raise the mirror to see, she just looked at herself for a while, then she sort of very gently touched around the tube, the hair, her swollen skin, then placed the mirror back on her lap, didn’t say a word (it was really eerie, but in a pensive kind of eerie), as I reached to take it and put it up, she said she wanted to hold on to it a little longer, so I left it on her lap. A little while later she asked about them shaving her hair at the forehead, will it grow back funny? Was she going to look funny? Was the swelling going to go down? She looked at herself several times, then, ahhhh lunch was brought in, she handed me the mirror and made a comment about her liquid diet…Not the best lunch that she would have preferred, but the good thing was that it took her mind off of the other. After all she is a teenage girl, her hair and looks were part of who she felt she was at the time, so I knew it was going to have some impact on her when she saw how she looked. So the distraction with the lunch was much appreciated for now, until the topic came up again. To be continued.....

Continuation…Part 23 My husband came back in shortly after 9 am. We updated him on the visits from her OB and the neurologist. I didn’t share the conversation outside my daughter’s room with him, didn’t want to tell him in front of my daughter. He asked me if I had decided when I was telling any of my family, boy was he persistent with this…..I am procrastinating and he just kept pushing the issue, I told him I was going to, I just needed to work up the courage, I asked him if my mom had called the house while he was there, he said no, what a relief I thought. He told me that he was due to play (guitar) at a candlelight (service for retreatants ) that night, “You’re not going to go are you?”, I know I didn’t give him a chance to answer before I told him “ they will have to do it without you”, the words just came rushing out of my mouth, he knew he couldn’t go, but he said my nephew was supposed to go with him and help them play (musical group). “What do I tell him, I am not going to go, but I don’t know what to say” was his concern, I told him to call him and just tell him that they didn’t need to go after all, my nephew would not ask for any more info. (he is sixteen). He also asked me if we should advise our pastor, “he could come and give the anointing of the sick before her surgery” he said, I told him that was probably a good idea, and I asked him to call my nephew first, then he could call our pastor after we notified family. He left to call my nephew and to set up the cable for my daughter. While he was out I told my daughter that when her dad returned, I was going to call her uncle (my brother), let him know what was going on and see if he could go with me to tell my mom later. How was I going to communicate it to him? I wasn’t sure, I just needed to face it head on and hope for the best simple (though it was far from simple) way to communicate the reality of what we were now facing. I knew there was no way we were going to be able to spare or prevent any of our family from experiencing concern and even pain for my daughter and us. I just wanted to be able to get through the initial conversations with them. If I could have avoided it, I would have done it in a minute, but I knew this was not an option, I/we needed the support of our families. My daughter fell asleep shortly after they gave her the morphine, and I sat there watching her, looking at all the tubes and monitors she was hooked up to, and wishing she did not have to go through this ordeal. I found myself like I had done before, sometimes thinking back on our life and thinking about all those things that I thought had gone wrong and all the times I knew I had failed. Focusing on my career, spending those endless hours on the job for so many years, being that workaholic that I knew I was (though never would have admitted it then). I had sometimes questioned over the last couple of years if I had made the right decision to change that, to leave that behind and focus on my relationship with my daughter, yet it seemed like things were not turning out like I thought they would. I had lost so many loved ones in my life, but God had given me another chance with my daughter, I knew it was his work that allowed us to be there when she was the sickest. And now the memories help me to remain grounded because I could also remember the positive aspects of time spent with her, the memories of her last year in jr. high and all the events we had experienced and enjoyed together, (many due to being head room parent), the ability to be at all her games, both in town and out. Had I remained working full time in a demanding job, I knew I wouldn’t have had that time and certainly not those precious memories, so I knew I had made the right choice, this was just a small set back, I told myself. As my husband walked back in the room, and brought me back to the present moment, I thought, wow your back quick, but he had been gone a good while, I guess I was thinking, dang it, I have to go make those calls now.. I kinda wished he had been gone a little longer, giving me more time to procrastinate. I wasn’t trying to avoid my responsibilities, (well ok, maybe I was a little) I just knew that when I made that first call, I would have to make more, and with each call someone else's feelings and thoughts would start to deepen into that world of the unknown for my daughter and what possibly laid ahead. He had called my nephew, I was right, he didn’t ask why, cable was purchased. My daughter was still sleeping, I felt her dad needed to be there with her for a while; I needed to make some calls. I didn’t want to leave her, but I had to, because now it was my turn to make calls, so I reluctantly left in hopes of finding a quiet corner somewhere close by so as not to be too far from her to make those calls. I found that the waiting room was not occupied, to my relief; I went and sat at a far corner, pulled out my phone and held it in my hand for the longest time. I guess I was trying to mentally put a dialog together, how much do I say? What do I say? How do I say it? Nothing I thought of sounded right, so I would just have to do my best and hope that it all came together once I was on the phone. I dialed, and as I heard the phone ring in my ear, my heart started to beat faster, I came close to hanging up, when I heard my sister-in-laws voice on the other side, I gave her my usually greeting, asked about the kids, there was that small talk again, trying to act as normal as possible and finally asked if my brother was available, she told me he was playing golf, and would be home around three or four. I knew he played golf on Saturdays, but I guess with everything that was going on, that one little wrench hadn’t crossed my mind. I didn’t know whether to call him on his cell or wait till he got home, or go ahead and tell my sister-in-law. I knew she would be crushed; my daughter is very close to her aunt and sees her as another big sister or a surrogate mother at times. Do I hang up to give me a chance to decide what to do, I thought, but I knew if I hung up- I would lose my nerve and maybe delay more then I should. To be continued......

Continuation….Part 22 My daughter’s OB came in a short while later to check on her, she was already aware of all we knew, and she would be part of the team in discussion with the neurosurgeon and the other doctors on Monday, her input was invaluable, especially with the fact that my daughter was pregnant, all medications had to be run through her before they were administered. She advised us that she was going to put in orders/request to have a nurse from the maternity floor come up daily to monitor the baby’s heart beat. My daughter’s nurse came in to take vitals and check all the other items, so my daughter’s ob told my daughter she would be by later to check on her, and she asked me if I could step outside for a minute. I followed her out, she wanted to make sure my daughter, both her dad and I were doing ok, and asked if the neurosurgeon had told us that there was unfortunately a big possibility the baby might not make it? I told her we were doing as well as we could be and that he indeed had mentioned it to us the night before right after the MRI was done and tumor found. Wanted to know how my daughter had taken the news, I told her that she listened to him, and seemed like she understood. I told her that he had mentioned that they would do everything possible to keep the baby safe, but we knew there were no guarantees and my daughter’s needs would come first. I told her that I wanted them to do everything they could to save her baby, but at the same time I wanted to make sure that no short cuts were taken with her, “in other words” I said,” if there is a procedure that needs to be done to save her life, but that could possible cause her to lose the baby, then they need to do the procedure, I hope and pray it doesn’t come to that, but we can’t lose them both." She understood and assured me that they would do everything to pull them BOTH through this ordeal. She would be back later to check on us and she left to add to my daughter’s file the request for the daily baby monitoring. My heart ached having to share with her and more so to verbalize the thought that had been whirling in my head, I felt like my insides were being pulled in all directions. I stepped back into the room as Elizabeth brought in the neurologist that checked on patients on that floor, she introduced him to us and updated him on my daughter’s condition, standing there listening to her share with the doctor the events that led us there and how she was currently doing, I felt like it was someone else they were talking about, it just still seem unreal to me, for her, for us to be there, but if it makes any sense, I would have rather been there, then what would have been the other alternative, I would rather be keeping vigil over her and waiting for that surgery than having a vigil for her. The neurologist checked her strength, legs, arms, grip, again the questions were asked, did she know what day it was, where was she, why was she there. Little did I know it then that this would become a normal pattern that was starting, both nurses and doctors would go through the same routine of checking her strength and asking the questions of what/where/why, numerous times a day. Once the nurse and doctor left the room, my daughter and I sat there and talked, not really about anything in particular, we were getting good at small talk, this was safe, we didn’t have to tap into emotions that were right at the edge of over flowing and spilling out. We talked about her sister’s wedding, about her favorite subject, her little cousins, she felt bad because we hadn’t taken her cousin to Sea World like we promised. While we were talking, my cell phone rang, I looked at it ready to answer thinking it was her dad, but I froze, couldn’t believe that I literally froze when I saw the caller ID, it was my mom, I ignored the call, my daughter asked me who it was and I told her. “Does grama know I am here?” she wanted to know, “nope, I haven’t told her yet” I replied, “mom when you tell her, do you have to tell her I’m pregnant?” I looked at her, and I know I gave her a smirk, that smirk I had been giving her the last several months when she had asked me the same question, it was one of those looks that said, well little girl you put yourself in that position, what do you think? I told her that I probably would, “oh mom, she is going to be so mad at me, I can already hear her say it, ay Lauranda, que muchachita, and shaking her head.” (Translation: oh Lauranda, oh little girl). My mom had left me a voice message, must be important I thought, she hates leaving voice messages unless it’s important. I listened to her message and she asked me to call her, she also wanted to know if everything was alright. Then I remembered, I hadn’t talked to her since Wednesday, I am the only one that calls my mom almost daily, sometimes it might be every other day, but never longer than that. So I knew why she was calling, it was unusual for me to go this long without calling her, she was worried and wanted to make sure everything was ok. I told my daughter I would call her grama a little later, not really planning on telling her (my mom) anything on the phone, but try and relieve her concern. Meanwhile I was thinking- could I do that without my voice betraying me? Would I be able to hold it together and hold off telling her until I could see her? Gosh, this was really eating at me; I thought I was strong enough to focus on the light instead of the dark shadows. I also knew we didn’t have to do it alone, if I could just get past my anxiety of having anyone else worried, we could be surrounded by people that loved her, us, and I knew this would make it easier to carry the load in our hearts if we share our burden, our family would give us their support, that support that would give us added strength and we needed the prayers, lots and lots of prayers. The last three days had been tough on the three of us, we now needed prayers and strength in numbers, the power of prayer could do wonders I knew. After all, my mom was the strongest person I knew, I could certainly use a fourth of her amazing strength, I just had to get past my own fear, I told myself. To be continued....

Lighting a candle in thanksgiving for my beautiful grand-daughter Sloane as she turns five months today. We love you and miss you baby girl.. Love your Nana

Continuation….Part 21 We were advised that the CT from that morning showed that she still had a lot of fluid; he wanted to do the surgery that Tuesday if at all possible, at least this was his current plan, the CTS would continue daily and another MRI on Monday morning. He would then have the most current test to review with his fellow doctors on Monday and see what they needed to do next. He advised that he would prefer to go in and do a small incision and remove the tumor via laser procedure vs a full surgical opening if at all possible, but he would know more hopefully on Monday. He asked us again about the medical problems that caused us to take her to the ENT, and we talked about the different symptoms that a tumor in the brain could cause. When he went over some of the symptoms, we found that she had had many of them for years, even those that currently had her under the care of the ENT. It wasn’t as if we ever ignored any of them, nor did her pediatrician, he had been her doctor since she was born, and he knew her well enough to know, when we brought up a symptom or concern, he didn’t take it lightly. I use to tell him and my daughter, that she was the only kid I knew who by age 13 had, a pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist, facial specialist (tmj/jaw), ophthalmologist, sports doctor, and physical therapist. Some of her symptoms, like when her left leg would sometimes buckle, shoulder and back pain, the dizziness, hearing problem, difficulty with balance, sever and then more frequent headaches, or sometimes when she would lose feeling in her leg or arm as if her limps had fallen asleep and tingled, blurred vision, even seeing spots of light, peripheral vision that had caused her to run into walls or doors when she would turn corners. Her doctor never wasted anytime in referring her when there were symptoms that concerned him, that’s why we knew that many of those same symptoms her doctor was now mentioning to us had already been checked out by specialist in their fields, but they had diagnosed her with different things, and certainly much less sever then what she/we were now facing. I was in disbelief at what havoc this tumor could have been causing in her, even the possibility of her episodes of passing out, might have been caused or contributed to by the tumor. There was no way of knowing how long she had the tumor, unless we had MRIs to go back to. I use to like to watch Mystery Diagnosis at night, and this time I felt like we were smack in the middle of one of their episodes. Over the years the same symptoms we now were learning could very well be attributed to the tumor, had been diagnosed as migraines, inner ear problems ( menier’s disease), eating habits, possible sports injuries, exercise injuries, it was unbelievable to me. Her doctor advised he would be by in the afternoon to check on her, and that he was still waiting on lab report for the fluid he had sent for testing, he didn’t expect to get those now until Monday. One of the symptoms the doctor mentioned, really surprised me, and I would never have associated with a brain tumor, it was possible for the brain tumor to affect her personality and cause behavior changes. As I thought back to the last two years or so, I had seen a big change in her behavior, it had started towards the end of her freshman year, and as the weeks went by; she became angrier, difficult to talk to, seemed to be in bad moods often, her sophomore year was the worst; I had just chalked that one up to teen rebellion. Now I wondered if it all had to do with the tumor or how much of it was. Thoughts flashing through my mind of everything she had gone through and wondering if we had missed some very obvious signs, was there anything that could have alerted us to the severity of the situation? Did we do everything possible with her different symptoms? My mind felt like mush, I kept trying to replay the last couple of years, how many doctors had she seen, how many test had been done, it just wasn’t making sense to me that we could have missed this. Shortly after he left, they brought my daughter a liquid diet breakfast, “humm, looks appetizing” she said, well her humor was back, that was a good sign. Her dad left to go take care of her dogs and I sat there with her, again I found myself wanting to ask her how she felt about all that had happened to this point, what the doctor had told us, but I guess- I knew I was not really ready to hear her responses. I knew I was trying to digest it all, and I figured she was too. I probably would have welcomed the ability to numb my feelings, put my thoughts and the pain I felt for my child in a locked box and place it on a shelf, not have to deal or touch it again until all was behind us. I knew the days to follow where going to be hard, it seemed like the challenges just kept piling up, I had to search far within and pray constantly for God to help me remain strong for her, I could be pretty stubborn (like my daughter) and I was going to have to use that trait to help me and to help her get through whatever laid ahead of use. To be continued....

Heidi, My upmost respect for you,,, you have a tough job. The nursing staffs as do the doctors have such an impact on a family going through a roller coaster of emotions; unfortunately they can make them or break them when they are at their most vulnerable. Your "team mates" in SA have certainly made you proud. It takes special people to fill yours and their shoes, the pain that many of you also feel for families, especially when you get to know them, must be hard on you as well. This family, MY family certainly experienced the compassion and love as well as seeing their professionalism in action to ensure everything went as it should. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for what you do and for all the families you touch in your life and with your percious gift. Elizabeth, Oh how I see and cannot deny that my daughter and my granddaughter share an amazing strength, they are fighters and survivors. God truly has blessed us with them both, more times over then we fully know. I now know I am strong, stronger then I could have ever imagined, (of course would have preferred for that strength not to be tested so much) but even so, certainly can’t begin to even compare my strength to what they have survived and been through to this point. Blessings, Mari

Continuation….Part 20 Before we knew it, we noticed that it was already starting to get light in the far horizon, we made it through another day, the floor was still a little quiet, but I was sure that wouldn’t be lasting long, I went to wash up and we waited for her doctor to come by. My daughter was awake and surfing through the TV channels, not much selection on the basic channels, so her dad was going to go and purchase the cable package once they opened the business office, he said so she would have a better variety of channels, but I knew it was more to help keep her occupied and keep her mind off of what was happening as much as possible (of course this would be something if we could accomplish). I thought, November 1, it’s all Saints day and tomorrow would be all Souls day, I said a silent prayer for all the saints to watch over my child and intercede with prayers on her behalf to our holy father. My husband needed to go home to let out the dogs and feed them, but was going to do it after we saw her doctor. Fresh ice water and more sponge straws had been brought to her earlier that morning. A little later her new day nurse came in to introduce herself. She told us that the doctor was already on the floor making rounds and would be in shortly. Not sure why, maybe it was lack of sleep or food, but I remember feeling that my stomach had tighten up, almost to brace myself for something, though I didn’t know what else we could be told that was worse then what we already knew. My daughter wanted to use a mirror to see what had been done the previous morning, so I had caught the nurse outside to check if we could clean her up a bit so she wouldn’t get scared when she looked in the mirror. I was afraid of hurting her, but the nurse offered to do it for me, later that day they would wash her up and change her gown, but for now Elizabeth (her day nurse) tried to clean up as much of the blood and numbing medication she possibly could that was still on her forehead without interfering with the tube. While sharing small talk with her nurse, and while her vitals were being taken, my daughter had mentioned that she was “starving,” Elizabeth told her that she would let the doctor know and see what he wanted to do about meals for her. Just as they were talking, her doctor came in, “hey kiddo, how are we doing today”, that became his greeting to her. She told him she was ok, but she was hungry and wanted tacos. He laughed and told her she must be feeling much better, but he wanted her to start off with a liquid diet, if she could hold down the liquid diet the rest of the day, she could then have all the tacos she wanted after that. He checked her out, tested the strength of her legs, arms, hands, also asked her if she knew what day it was, if she knew where she was and why she was there, her responses surprised me a little, she had very little memory of all that had happened and why she was there, she knew where she was, but didn’t remember much past that previous Thursday around mid day, bits and pieces of what had happened was all she could recall, and those things she did remembered, were kind of foggy, she felt like the events were more of a dream then reality. In a way I was glad I hadn’t asked her earlier about it, but then I thought maybe I should have. She remembered when I had gotten home from work two days before and what I was wearing (at least the colors) when I went in to check on her, her next memory was vaguely of the EMTs and getting mad because she wanted to sleep and said they were bothering her, after that, her next memory was of the doctor shaving her hair, or she said was it that someone had told her it had happened? She remembered the nurses that held her hands down to keep her from reaching up when the hole was drilled to insert the tube the previous morning, she remembered talking to Anna, the nurse assigned to watch over her after the procedure, but not a whole lot more of that previous day’s events. I started thinking that I hadn’t yet given her the mirror to look at her forehead and wondering if I should, though she knew the tube was in her forehead and they were draining fluid, I was now unsure if she should look, she had some swelling from the procedure, Elizabeth had not been able to get all the blood and medicine off, so I was unsure if she would be ok seeing herself. I decided that I would just wait to see if she asked about it again. He checked the tube and fluid amounts that were being removed and asked her about any pain or discomfort, she said it was only a little sore around the tube coming from her forehead, and she felt bad about the hair that he had to shave off. He told her “I am sorry, but that’s what I had to do to save your life at the time, you are a very sick young lady and very lucky that your parents brought you in when they did,” he continued to tell us that if we had waited much longer to get her to the hospital, she would not have made it another day. I knew it was serious, I knew that we were dealing with something very delicate, but until that point, since they first thought it was a severe case of preeclampsia, I had not thought again about the possibility of her dying, and certainly not if we had not brought her in the morning before. Hearing his words, understanding exactly what he was saying, and just thinking and knowing that she had come so close to deaths door, caused the realization to send chills throughout my entire body, and again I felt the tears well up, but fought to keep them at bay. I watched her as he spoke, her eyes got watery and tears trickled down the corners of her eyes. He told us that he wanted to make sure we knew and understood how serious and critical her situation was, he didn’t want to scare any of us, but he owed it to us to let us know where things stood. Though I know this probably sounds like he was sort of blunt and cold about it, it was completely the opposite, he was very compassionate, he isn’t a soft speaking man, he is a big (tall) deep, gruff talking cowboy, but there was something about the way he spoke to her and us, there was a gentleness that I had already seen in him the day before, without really knowing him, somehow we trusted him completely, and appreciated his honesty. His words were ringing in my ears, and re-playing almost in slow motion through my mind, the fact that we had been so close to losing her, tested my ability to remain in control, to stay firmly grounded and strong for my child. We were just at the beginning of this new unknown territory, there was still so much more to come, our journey continued even more uncertain then before, trying to grasp it all and put it in perspective felt like an enormous task, it was tough to think past any of this. To be continued.....

April, Char, I agree with you both, you already know I am a big believer in signs... Sometimes I just need to be more observant, not only with my eyes, but my ears and heart. My little booklet has been a blessing since I picked it up on Nov.1. Have read it and re-read it numerous times. Hope all dads new and old had a wonderful father's day. Blessings to you all, Mari

Continuation….Part 19 The night seemed to be eternal, but in a way, I was grateful for that, because I didn’t have to make any phone calls, I didn’t have to see or hear pain in any of my family, I didn’t have to make any decisions right then and there. Morning would come soon enough, I thought, I would face those questions then. Right now I just needed to be where I was, where I was needed the most, even if I couldn’t do anything more then hold my daughter’s hand, caress her face, and kiss her cheek, and let her know she was not alone, yes, this is where I needed to be, this is where I belonged and this is what I needed to be doing, everything else could wait. Earlier in the evening they had brought her some straw looking sticks with a sponge at the end, with a cup of ice water, and because she couldn’t drink or eat anything, we had to dip these little sponges in the ice water and let her just suck the water out. A first this was satisfying, but by now, 3 in the morning, this was doing little for her, we would put two in at a time, she was famished, so I know she was doing a lot better then she had been the entire day before. We had to keep a watchful eye on her, because I knew she want to take a big gulp of the ice water, “just a little drink, please,” she would ask us, no matter how hard it was to tell her no, we had too, so after she would have enough to quench her thirst, (which really wasn’t as satisfying or ever enough), she would doze back off. Since they had her on pain medication and meds for the swelling, (morphine, steroids), the IV, potassium, measuring the fluid that would drain from her head and that she was positioned and leveled with this, monitoring her vitals, it seem like her nurse was always coming in, when it wasn’t one thing it was another, something either beeped or had to be changed out, or given etc., It amazed me that my daughter was able to get any sleep at all, but it was good that she could sleep, it would keep her from thinking of food or her thirst. Her dad and I took turns sitting by her bed, while he would be there, I would wander over to the window and look out at the street lights, the dark and quiet night. I thought about our friends who were just beyond this building, in the children’s oncology ICU, how were they doing? Were we looking out at the same scenery during this sleepless night? How strange it felt to know that not only us, but someone else we knew so well, were keeping vigil over our same aged daughter’s. What would the doctor find with my daughter’s tumor? Would she as her friend have to endure the chemo and everything that came with it? Was she strong enough to handle what would come her way? Were we strong enough to handle what would come OUR way? Only time would tell. I was taken away from my thoughts when a couple of lab techs came in to draw blood from my daughter. Her nurse also came in to tell us that they would be taking her for a CT scan at 5 am, it was 4:45, I hadn’t looked at the clock since 3 that morning, the time had gone by and all of a sudden, I felt like we had been here for days. They again went through the routine of shutting off, disconnecting and reconnecting to portable machines for the transport to the sub level, we would wait in her room. They told us it would be 15 to 30 minutes, and off they went. My husband went to find me a cup of coffee, and while he was gone, I went to walk a little bit, I just needed to clear my head, but I also didn’t want to wander too far off, I had to be there when they brought my daughter back. Within 20 minutes they were coming off the elevator and bring her back, by the time her dad returned with my coffee, they were re-hooking her back up. We asked the nurse what time the doctor made his rounds, she advised that he was pretty punctual and would be on the floor by 7am. While my husband was there, I stepped out to drink my coffee, I didn’t want to drink it in front of my daughter, especially since she couldn’t have anything to drink or eat yet. By now I think I needed a gallon of coffee, just for the caffeine fix to settle my nerves. I walked into a little waiting room and started to again think about my family, do I tell them or do I wait? I still didn’t know what I was going to do, and just as I was getting ready to leave the waiting room and go back into my daughter’s room, I saw a book sitting on a coffee table, and then I see several more, there was a little sign that said to take one. I wondered where they came from, I know I hadn’t seen them there when I came in, there was no way I could have missed them, or could I? The book is called “THE UPPER ROOM”, prayers for comfort, words of faith for times of pain, these words were on the cover, and as I flipped it open, the first prayer I saw was the following, God says: "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13. At that moment, I knew that I had to tell my family, because just as I had been comforting my child, I knew my mom would want to be there to comfort her granddaughter and me, her child. This was my answer, I didn’t have to struggle with wondering if I should tell her any more, I knew I had to, now it was more of how, how was I going to do it? I knew that the rest of our family would want to be there to comfort my daughter as well as her dad and I. To be continued.....

Tracey, Denver, Congratulations on the addition of a son...if I remember correctly, he has a big sis, to spoil him.. My prayers are with your family and baby Lathan's first family. Blessings, Mari

Continuation….Part 18 We were finally back in her room, the walk and elevator ride seemed to be eternal and filled my head and heart with such gloom and dread. After the nurses got her situated, all hooked back up, her dad was finally ready to go home, well, really with mixed emotions, but he had to go let out her dogs and feed them, I gave him a list of things to bring us back, I had no plans of leaving her side. We both planned on staying with her the night. The nurses would continue to come in every 30 minutes to check vitals and the equipment extracting the fluid in her head. I sat there next to her bed and we just made small talk, she flipped through the TV channels not really watching anything in particular. I wondered how she felt in regards to what the doctor had informed us, but I was almost afraid to ask her, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to be able to handle the intense emotions she might have or the questions. So I figured that I would let her take the lead on it, I knew if she wanted to talk about something and when she was ready she would, I felt like a coward, but I was going to wait for that time. Sitting there watching her as she would doze off and on, the only sounds were coming from the nurses’ station and from the different equipment they had her hook up to, these sounds were in a way a blessing. They seemed to accompany me without really having someone right there with us, it allowed me to retreat into my thoughts, yet I didn’t feel like we were alone. I thought about the last several months, and just a month ago we were at her sister’s wedding, thank God this had not happened while we were out of town. One thing after another had been happening in what seemed like such quick succession, this just wasn’t where I saw our life going 5 months earlier, not even 3 months ago. I thought about my fears early on in her pregnancy, when she talked about adoption, those morbid thoughts I had about losing her, those thoughts that her baby would be my only connection to her, and here we were, in less than 24 hours we had been told twice her child’s life was in danger. I had mixed emotions; again I thought if it was maybe better for her to lose her child this way instead of through adoption, either way, I knew it was going to be a heartache for her and us, my pain though in no way would compare to hers. If the baby made it through, were all these close calls meant to tell us that we should keep my granddaughter? All of a sudden, my anxiety began to mound when my thoughts went to my daughter’s life, was she going to be alright? Were they going to be able to take the tumor out? My God, could this mean that she could have cancer? This important realization had escaped my mind before, or maybe I had just mentally blocked it out. I thought about her school friend’s family, what they had been going through the last year and a half with their daughter’s cancer. How could two friends be in such similar situations? I literally had to hold a pillow to my face to keep her or anyone else from hearing me cry out in fear and in a mother’s pain for her child. I sat there for a long time, just hugging the pillow and wishing it was my daughter I could sit there hugging and holding. My husband walked in close to midnight, and even though I had the lights in her room off, he must have seen the tears on my face with the light reflecting from the nurses’ station. “Is everything ok? Did something happen?”, he asked, I just nodded that nothing else was wrong, but I really wanted to shout that no, everything isn’t ok, this isn’t suppose to be happening, we weren’t suppose to be here, our baby shouldn’t have to be going through this, didn’t he realize that this was bad enough, didn’t he realize that she could have cancer, or that she may not make it through the surgery, what else did he want to happen???? Though I knew that it wasn’t his fault, actually no one’s fault that we were here or that I felt the way I did. This emotional wave that was flowing or more like pouring out of every pore in my body, I knew wasn’t a sign of weakness, but of fear for my child and for my grandchild, and though I tried to resist these enormous waves of emotional despair, the dramatic changes that had happened were causing me to lose my battle with common sense and tempting me to lash out at whoever or whatever got in my way. As we both sat in darkness keeping vigil over her, I thought that at least now we knew what was wrong with her, and she would get some much needed relief, but it was scary as well. I thought back again to the months earlier, and tremendous guilt came over me like a dark shadow that engulfed me, guilt for not realizing that something was seriously wrong, guilt for telling her to suck up the discomfort when I thought it was only due to her pregnancy, because she had allowed herself to be in that predicament, guilt for being so tough on her that she had hated me for so long, guilt for telling her to get an abortion, and guilt for being a lousy mother that let her child get to this point in her life with these struggles. Every time she would move or wake up we would jump to make sure she was ok, just as we had when she was a new born baby and we had brought her home, those first few weeks and months that any sound they make brings us scurrying to their side. Though now even if she wasn’t a baby to others, to me and in my eyes, she will always be my baby no matter her age, whether she liked it or not. Sometimes my husband and I would talk in hush tones, just to fill the silence of the night, or maybe to push and drown out our own thoughts. He again asked me when I was going to tell my mom and my daughter, “I don’t know, let’s see what her doctor tells us in a few hours.” Though it had been a long two days, and we were both running on very little sleep, and I knew I should have been pretty tired, I just couldn’t relax. I felt like I couldn’t shut off the tears that kept coming, I thought about my daughter out of state, I struggled with the question of calling her or not, I didn’t want to frighten her, but I knew she would want to know and I owed it to her, but how would I tell her, and my mom, how do I tell her? I didn’t want to call her, I had to do it in person, but that also meant that I had to tell her that her sixteen year old granddaughter was pregnant, “God please help me and guide me, with these struggles.” How I dreaded telling either of them this news, how I dreaded putting them in the pain that I knew they were bound to feel. I wanted to spare them the feelings we had been experiencing for the last two days. To be continued.....

Continuation….Part 17 As I sat there watching my baby girl sleep, I thought about how peaceful she looked, even though she had this tube coming out of her forehead and into this contraption, she was the most peaceful she had been in weeks. My thoughts only interrupted by the nurses that would come in frequently and check the equipment into which the tube was connected and attached, I didn’t mind though, because it was important that the equipment helping the fluid drain from her head was set where it needed to be. This tube was connected to a ruler looking pole and into a bag, (like an IV bag), there was a red laser light on the pole that was used to make sure she was at the right angle degree, leveled with the bag at all times. This ensured that the right amount of fluid was draining, not too much nor too little, the light had to point right at the center of her ear, so if she was moved up or slid down, or even when they had to move her bed up or down, it had to be adjusted. She couldn’t be laying flat, she had to be at I believe it was a 45 degree angle, so every time they needed to move her, they had to shut the valve off, move her, set the pointer light to measure, adjust the pole then turn it back on. It worked as a magnet by pulling the fluid out, so it was vital that it was very precise. They also had to measure how much fluid was draining, so this tube dripped the fluid into a syringe looking holder, after measuring they would empty the fluid into the bag. She had to be on her back, couldn’t lay on either of her sides, I wondered if she was comfortable, but I guessed that compared to how she had hurt before, this was so much better. My daughter has three indoor dogs as I mentioned before, the poor things hadn’t been let out nor fed since we had left very early that morning, though my husband keep saying he needed to go let them out and feed them, I knew he didn’t want to leave until they did the MRI and I couldn’t blame him, I certainly wasn’t going to leave her side either. Shortly before 7pm they came by to advise us that they would be taking her down for the MRI, they again unhooked her monitors and hooked her up to portable ones, making sure that the equipment draining the fluid was just right, and shut off for the time being. We were allowed to go with her and before long we were on our way through the back elevators and corridors to the sub level floor. We waited with her until they took her in, at which time a technician took us to the waiting area and advised that it would take about an hour to an hour and a half; he would come back and get us as soon as they were done. Another wait, I should have been getting use to this, but somehow it wasn’t any easier. I would pick up one magazine after another and just flip pages, absent mindedly looking up at the TV which was on and then again turning the magazine pages, the clock up ahead seemed to move in slow motion, It felt like we had been waiting for hours, but it had only been minutes, “God, please help me be patient, help her get through this, don’t let this be anything bad, keep her in your care and watch over her and her baby.” My husband in the meanwhile was reading a paper that had been left there, or-at least I thought he was reading it, maybe he was also just staring at it without really seeing it as I with the magazines. Other then the noise from the TV, the place was very peaceful and quiet for a long time, then another person was escorted in to wait for their loved one, this person was upset that her cell phone was not working down there, really just making comments to herself, I hadn’t even noticed this with the cell phone, since earlier that day I hadn’t even looked at mine, there were no phone calls I needed or more like wanted to make. Finally the technician that brought us into the waiting room came to get us; it had been almost two hours. As we were walking back, all of a sudden I got this feeling of dread and apprehension, I wasn’t sure what it was, but I couldn’t shake it, and the return walk seemed to take so long, why is it taking us so long to get there? I thought, I wanted to run and get there quicker. When we got back to the area of the MRI lab, they still hadn’t brought her out, but we were allowed to wait there, within a few moments they wheeled her bed out and almost at the same time her surgeon appeared at her bedside. The MRI showed that her brain had a lot of swelling and a lot of fluid, but the worst part was that it determined that she had a brain tumor. It was as if we were hit by a moving freight train, I had to steady myself to keep from falling, my eyes welled up with tears, and even though I tried so hard not to cry in front of my daughter, mainly not to scare her, it was impossible for me and I just couldn’t keep my tears from streaming down my face. She would need surgery as soon as possible, several factors needed to be considered, first they needed to make sure enough fluid was safely removed, allow some of the swelling to go down, because the tumor was in a difficult area, her surgeon didn’t want to work with a weekend crew, he had his team of doctors and nurses he preferred to assist him. Normally, if you could say normally,” brain tumors in children and teens are found on the outer base of the brain,” but hers was “located in the pineal gland, which is found down in the bottom center of the brains two hemispheres,” he said, he also told us that the gland is the size of a pea and tumor looked to be the size of a large seedless grape, because of its size and location, it was working as a stopper and blocking the fluid from draining down into the spine. The other thing they needed to take into consideration, was the fact that she was pregnant, he would contacted her ob and they would take all possible precautions to save the baby and not cause undue harm, but we were told in no uncertain terms that their first priority was our daughter. He was ordering daily CT scans to keep track of the fluid and swelling, not sure how soon they could do the surgery, but it would have to be soon, he would be by in the morning to check on her. The road of the unknown was started once more, this time it was more serious then her/us dealing with what now seemed like “just” a pregnancy. It’s funny how ones perspective can change so quickly. We may feel overwhelmed by an unplanned new life, and then due to circumstances beyond our control the changing tides come and sweep us up the next day and we have to re-evaluate what is important in life, what seems like a tidal wave ready to swallow us up is thrust in our direction, would things get easier once we stop fighting against the strong currents? I wanted to disappear into my own private little world, away from this heartache, away from this reality that had come out of nowhere, I wanted to take my daughter with me and start anew, I wanted to turn back the hands of time, but of course I couldn’t. All the way back up to her room we went in silence, it was as if we were walking in a fog and too afraid to speak or make any noise, but maybe it was fear of what laid around the corner of the days to come. To be continued....

You are so right, our two miracles and so much more, an unbreakable bond like no other I know, is theirs and held only between them two. Blessings, Mari

Continuation....Part 16 While we sat by my daughter’s bedside and waited for them to move her to a room, we had the opportunity to get to know the ER nurse that was assigned to stay by her bed side. Anna shared with us how she had ended up in town and at that particular hospital. She was originally from Mexico, and had been in the states going to college.. while living in Galveston, working at a hospital there and going to school, we learned that she had secured her job shortly before a hurricane had hit the Galveston area. She originally had no plans of leaving, “was going to ride it out”, but she told us that her dad was really concerned for her and kept calling her to leave the area, she finally agreed and looked for a job, found one with an opening, applied, and was hired all within a weeks’ time, moved days before the hurricane hit.. She was one of the lucky ones and able to get out. It was nice to think about something else, something other then what we had been dealing with for the last 24 hrs. My daughter pretty much slept on and off, and I took the opportunity on one of her naps, to step out and call her school, I advised them that she wouldn’t be in school for several days that following week and that she was getting admitted to the hospital for test. Though they had been aware that she had not been feeling well for weeks, I didn’t tell them what they had found so far, only that I would call them as soon as we had some more information, her counselor gave me her cell number and asked me to call her as soon as we knew something, I assured her that I would. I also called my work, and advised them the same thing, though to that point my co-workers had no idea what our family had been experiencing for the last several months, but I also assured them that I would call them as soon as we had more information. Not long after I went back in with my daughter, several nurses from the NCCU came in to move her up stairs; they unhooked her from the large machines and hooked her up to the portable ones. We thanked Anna, the ER doctor for all they had done, and we were on our way to the top floor (the penthouse, I kinda like this name better then critical care unit). Due to my daughter being pregnant, she had to be in the adult portion of the hospital, she was the youngest patient in the NCCU and it was as if the nursing staff took extra care with her, which was a blessing I thought. The neurosurgeon came in about 4pm to check on his “kiddo” patient, as he started referring to her and to make sure she could handle the MRI. The neurologist assigned to make the rounds came in to meet her/us and to examine her; she was still on the pain medication (morphine) so she continued to sleep most of the day on and off as best she could, because the nurses would come in every 30 minutes to take vitals and temp. Her dad again asked me if I was going to notify any family, and AGAIN, I reminded him that until I knew more information, I didn’t want to call anyone. The only two families that knew she was even pregnant were my oldest daughter and son in law, my brother and sister in law. What about her sister, “she will want to know,” he said, but I told him that my daughter flew into town right away when I had informed her that her little sister was pregnant because she was really worried about her and wanted to be there for her, I didn’t want her to jump on a plane again without us first knowing what was going to happen or what we were dealing with. I also really needed the time to just be able to take in what had happened to this point. I didn’t want questions or to explain, not that I was in denial, I knew perfectly well what had happened, but it was almost like if I verbalized what had happened with those outside of the medical staff or us three, it would be too hard to take, it would just be too real, not that it wasn’t, I don’t know that I can really explain my thoughts or my rational at the moment. It was just important to me to not only protect my daughter but everyone else in my family from any heartache. I wanted time just with her and to deal with my own feelings and thoughts without anymore distractions or concerns. Her ob came in to check on her before she headed home for the day, she would be by the next day (she was on call), the neurosurgeon had called her and kept her updated with what had transpired since that morning and was pretty much keeping her in the loop of everything they were doing, she was aware that they had requested an MRI and he would call her with the results as soon as they had them. After she left and while my daughter slept, I thought about my daughter’s ob, originally she was not the doctor with whom I had made an appointment with for my daughter, but the other ob dr. had a pretty busy schedule and when they wanted to reschedule her first appointment because of the doctor’s schedule, and we had already been waiting a little over two weeks, I asked for them to give us another doctor, which is how we came about having her current ob.. I thought about how compassionate she was with my daughter and with me, how much time she took to answer questions and explain things during my daughter’s monthly appointments, all the time she had spent with us just that day and her genuine concern for my daughter as a person not just a patient. I wondered if the other ob doctor would have been as good with my daughter, friendly and compassionate, hummm, it was as if this was the ob she was meant to have all along. To be continued.....

Dear Abrazo Family, I want to again thank each and every one of you for your continued encouragement and support. By now you are pretty much in the middle of our journey and probably can understand much better the struggles I have experienced with sharing our story and reliving those days, though I relive them often. This has been therapeutic for me which is good, so I thank each one of you, my therapist group. I also would like to thank all who have posted congratulations on my daughter’s blog, though I wasn’t’ too proud of her when we found out she was pregnant, (I wanted to strangle her) she really has come a long way and is working very hard to accomplish her educational goals and her desire to make her daughter proud of her someday will keep her focused. Blessings, Mari Don’t worry that you’re not strong enough before you begin. It is in the journey that God makes you strong.

Continuation….Part 15 Finally her ob came back into the emergency room where we had been waiting, she told us that they would be bringing my daughter back in a few moments and the ER dr. would be in to talk to us, the CT scan was done and results immediately confirmed the problem. “It isn’t preeclampsia” her ob said, “it has nothing to do with her baby or her pregnancy” she continued. “Oh, thank God,” I blurted out. “That’s good, isn’t it?” I asked, but she looked at me and said the ER dr. would have more info for us. Then it dawned on me and I was confused, so what happened? What was wrong with her? Why was she so sick? I started throwing the questions out to her, she told us my daughter had a lot of fluid in her head, and something was causing the fluid to build up. Thank goodness I was already sitting down, as the news began to unfold. I sat there for a moment, too stunned to speak and just looked at her for what seemed like a long time, before I could respond, but I knew it hadn’t been that long, with disbelief in my head, my body started to tremble, it was hard to keep my composure, a million questions swirling in my head, yet I couldn’t speak. Then all of a sudden it was, “WHAT, is she going to be ok?” I felt like my question had barely come out of my mouth, I sat there with tears streaming down my face, I looked at my husband, he had a blank look on his face, I think trying to take in what she had just told us, as I had been. It was like the dr. was talking Greek, I didn’t understand why this was happening, the doctor just held me while I cried, and said the ER dr. would be coming in to explain, he was making some phone calls. I sat there trying to comprehend what we had just been told. With my husband, it was like it took him several minutes longer before the words the doctor said registered the severity of the situation to his head, but before he could ask any questions, they brought my daughter back in, she was asleep. I needed to pull myself together, before she woke up. When the ER dr. came back in, he told us that they were going to admit her to the Neuro Critical Care Unit; the scan showed she was suffering from hydrocephalus (build up of cerebrospinal fluid around the brain), something was causing a blockage. He had already been talking to a neurologist and a neurosurgeon. As he talked, I am replaying in my head everything we had been told to this point, and wondering how this could be happening. The ER doctor asked again about her symptoms, had she had any other problems in the past months beside her headaches and nausea? “Yes,” I told him, she was currently under the care of an ENT (ear, nose throat specialist) and had been for a year. “Why?” the ER dr. wanted to know, I relayed that the previous September, she had been experiencing dizziness, she had been running into walls and doors, her hearing in one ear felt like she was hearing in muffled tones, her pediatrician did a hearing test and found that her hearing in that ear was not where it needed to be, so he referred her to a specialist. He asked if they had done any test, a CT or MRI, and if so what was found. I told him they had done extensive testing and a CT I believed had also been done, they confirmed that her hearing was not at the level it needed to be, said it was caused by excess fluid in the inner ear canal. The diagnosis was Meniers Disease. They prescribe medication to help with the dizziness, had her reduce her salt and caffeine intake in order to reduce the fluid. She had been having follow ups monthly then every four months, I had just taken her in July; now she had another appointment already scheduled for December, she also had a complete physical in May. The ER doctor told us they were just waiting for a room to move her up to the NCCU, they were going to give her some morphine and later that afternoon they would do an MRI to determine what the blockage was. My daughter’s ob stayed with us the entire time the ER doctor talked to us. She asked if there was anything we needed, and I just told her the only thing was for my daughter to be ok, and thanked her for being there. She had gotten paged, so she needed to get back to her office, but said she would check back in with us a little later. Meanwhile they were preparing to move my daughter over one cubical to hook her up and monitor her vitals while they waited for a room to be ready. She was so still laying there; she had not had an episode in almost five hours. It had been a long night and a long morning, but she was doing better then she had been, we were nearing 11 am already. After they moved her over and were starting to hook her up, things took a turn for the worse. I was standing by her bed side, and even though she had awakened, she still didn’t seem too alert. I noticed her eyes roll back again and her body started convulsing, a lot of liquid started coming out of her mouth, I yelled for her dad to help me roll her on her side, the nurse got a suction hose and tried to suction the fluid out of her mouth so she wouldn’t choke, but he couldn’t because her jaws and teeth were clinched tight. As I am talking to her and asking her to come back out of it, the nurse threw the suction hose down and he ran out, within seconds the ER dr. was back at her side, this seizure was lasting longer than the ones previously, I told him, we kept trying to get her back and as soon as her body started to relax the dr. said almost to himself, “this doesn’t look right” and left the room. Within a few moments he was back in and said a neurosurgeon was on his way, before long the surgeon was in the cubical, as he was talking to her, a nurse from the NCCU came in and was there asking the other nurse for a tray and supplies, the NCCU nurse was placing tools and different medical items on this tray. The neurosurgeon said they were going to have to go in and relieve some of the pressure, they didn’t have time to take her to the OR, they were going to do it right there. As he is explaining what he was going to do, he took a razor and started shaving my daughter’s hair from her forehead hairline, a nurse cut off her upper under clothes, and they injected her with more medication, the surgeon then put local anesthesia on her forehead. He was going to do an emergency ventriculostomy (a procedure where they drilled a hole in her forehead to insert a tube that would drain the fluid that had built up). He advised us that the procedure would take about 15 to 20 minutes, we could wait in the waiting room and they would come and get us as soon as they were done. I couldn’t seem to leave the room and the NCCU nurse that came to assist with the procedure kept assuring me that she would be ok, there were several other nurses there and they promised that they would take good care of her. I kissed her and told her we would be right outside, I knew she was scared because she held on to my hand so tight, we had to open her fingers to release her grip. I was scared also, I had been holding on to my composure since they had brought her back from the CT scan, but as soon as I left the room, I headed right for the door and outside to get some air, I also couldn’t keep my tears, well, more like sobs under control anymore, the pressure had been mounting and I didn’t want to scare anyone in the ER waiting area. I cried uncontrollably for a long time, my husband kept trying to re-assure me that she was going to be ok, but he also had tears running down his face. When I was finally able to calm down a little, we went back into the ER waiting area to wait, we need to be there when they came to let us know we could see her. 15 minutes went by, then 20, 30, 45, my husband was getting antsy, kept asking more to himself then to me, why were they taking so long? Could something have gone wrong? They said it would only take 15 or 20 min. I was nervous as it was, and he was making me even more and I was also getting kind of irritable with him, he wanted to know if I was going to call my mom, and I told him, “no, we don’t know everything yet, I don’t want to give her partial information”, a few minutes later he wanted to know, if I was going to call anyone in my family, again I told him no, not until we knew more, I was trying really hard not to snap at him, so I started leafing through a magazine, absent mindedly turning pages without really seeing them, trying to ignore him, but I think more trying to ignore my fear as I would glance at the clock on the wall. The ER dr. finally came out to get us an hour later, before we went back in, he advised us that she had a tube coming from her upper forehead into a sack containing the fluid it was draining, she had done well and the neurosurgeon was still with her waiting to talk to us. As soon as we walked in, she looked like a different person, she had color back in her face, the dark red circles around her eyes were gone, she was smiling at us and seemed to be in a good mood. I couldn’t believe the difference in her. Her surgeon, who turned out to be someone different then whom the ER dr. had originally told us, he happened to be the one on call, advised us that he had taken six vials of fluid to send to the lab for testing. The procedure itself had taken 20mins. but of course added to that was the prep and then the clean up. The next step was to determine what the blockage was; they would do an MRI later that evening, he wanted to make sure enough fluid was drained, and they needed to make sure she did well enough with the procedure she had just gone through. They would move her within the next couple of hours to the NCCU, but for now a nurse was assigned to her to make sure she handled the procedure ok without problems and to make sure she didn’t pull out the tube, because she was still on the morphine. We talked again about her symptoms and why she was under the care of the ENT, with the surgeon. He would be by to check on her a little later. As I sat by her side, I looked around her bed, and tried to keep my fear in check, she asked if they had cut a lot of her hair, and I told her no, but as I looked around there was plenty of blood, a lot of her long hair strands,(and of course I didn't tell her this) and all these gadgets hooked up to her. I was trying to imagine what she had gone through, and as hard as I did, I just couldn’t even begin. To be continued......

Continuation…..Part 14 When I went back into the ER area, my daughter was still asleep, a few minutes later the doctor came back in and said they were going to take her to get a CT scan. Within a few minutes they came for her and wheeled her bed out, we would stay in the room to wait for her, my husband went out to call his employer and to bring me coffee. A few minutes after they had taken my daughter for the CT Scan, her ob walked in, the ER doctor called her with a concern about the pregnancy, because of how many weeks along my daughter was, depending on how we looked at it, either ONLY 19 wks or ALREADY 19wks into her pregnancy, her symptoms, her age (under 20 higher risk) the ER doctor thought she was possibly having a severe case of preeclampsia (Eclampsia) and advised my daughter’s ob. She advised me that if it was preeclampsia, and because of the severity of her symptoms, unfortunately they would have to abort the baby, they would have to do it right away. Why, what could happen, isn’t it high blood pressure, can’t it be controlled, I wanted to know. Her symptoms were too severe; they would have to act quickly to ensure my daughter’s organs would not be damaged or possible worse. What do you mean worse? I was asking, yet afraid of asking and what I would be told, I was feeling my jaw and body stiffen. I was advised that seizures sometimes could cause a coma or the possibility of the mother to lose her life, but they would not be able to save the baby, survival rate for a baby born this early was not good. It was difficult to try and get my arms around this news; she had never had a problem with high blood pressure, why would this have happened? She asked where my daughter was, I advised her they had taken her to do a CT scan, they wanted to do the CTS to rule out anything else, and she excused herself, said she was going to go check on her and wanted to be there when they did the test. I sat there trying to digest what I had just been told, all that had already happened to her and now this. I couldn’t understand why her age would have anything to do with the high blood pressure, why would teens be a higher risk for this. Do many teenage girls have these kinds of problems with their pregnancies? I was sure there was medical research to back this up; it was just hard for me to accept at this time knowing there are so many pregnant teens out there. I also wondered how she would handle the news of having to abort the baby, especially after everything her and her child had already been through. How would she handle the LOSS? Maybe it was a good thing she/we had procrastinated with contacting an adoption agency, maybe we weren't suppose to, again I found myself with more questions than answers with regards to my daughter's pregnancy and the struggles she had been experiencing. I didn't know the answers again to any of this, and it was not only frustrating, but painful, I felt pain for my child and my grandchild. I found myself trying to rationalize, was it better to lose her child like this, then later through adoption if she went through with it, what would cause her less pain, there was no easy answer. This latest hurdle/challenge she/we were given was either going to take control of us if we allowed it or we would have to be the ones to take control of this new complex situation and what was happening. It was as if someone was playing a cruel joke, we now found ourselves with my daughter fighting for her life and possibly also loosing my grand-daughter, my two precious girls live's were in danger. My thoughts went to the day we found out my daughter was carrying a girl; now fear not only for my daughter but for my grand-daughter and what might lay ahead scared me. I hadn't even had the chance to meet this little thing that was in the middle of such havoc, (through no fault of her own or her mother's) yet I felt like I already knew her, she was a part of me by being a part of my child, my blood was running through her veins as they were in my daughter's. I wanted to protect her and her mother, but I didn’t know how, it was out of my hands and it was such a helpless feeling. I didn't want to think anymore, my head pounded and felt it would explode. When my husband finally returned, I advised him of the latest, he was asking me a million questions, or at least that’s how it felt. I don't know, I don't know, I kept thinking, quit asking me so many questions, I don't want to think about it. The wait felt eternal, I kept pacing back and forth in the room cubical, how long was it going to take? Watching the clock tick away was making me nervous. Every time someone walked by, I would think it was them bringing her back. Why couldn't I have gone with her? Why didn't I think of asking? Maybe they would have let me, I was so angry at myself for not thinking of it, she shouldn't be alone, what if something happened while she was there. Oh, God, please let her be ok, please let her little one be ok, were the words I kept repeating in my head over and over again. My prayer though was not helping to keep the other frightening thoughts that would jump into my head every once in a while to disrupt my praying, it was an unending task pushing them out, drowning them out. To be continued.....

Dear Abrazo Family, I am really glad, so many of you can follow along with the story/events of our journey, because I write it in very small pieces at a time, that’s about all I can get through , before I can post any of it (and that it makes sense to you no less), sometimes I feel like I babble, and though I try to re-read before I post, I question having the ability to put down and really convey what is in the depth of my heart and thoughts.. I am a mess when I am putting my thoughts and events down, pretty scary sight; have to do it in the privacy of my bedroom where I can be alone and close the door, so as not to scare my daughter and husband. I would really hate, for the thought to cross their mind that they had to have me carted away in a straight jacket. Kleenex companies have been making a bundle off of me these last 10/11 months..I should have bought stock in the product. I appreciate the compliments in regards to my writing and ideas about publishing or speaking.. Not sure this is in the cards for me, maybe down the road someday. I know it would be hard for me to talk without breaking down, then my babble would be verbal instead of written, not sure how much would be understood. Do appreciate the thought though. For now, I will just keep writing and sharing our story with you, the forum family. Jen, we saw pictures, you also have a beautiful little boy.. Stay close with his first family, I know they will always appreciate and love you for that. You have been blessed with him physically, and can hold him every day, and daily they will carry and hold him in their hearts and memories as well, I can assure you. Being able to watch him grow even from a distance and knowing he is so loved by you, will also be blessing for them. Blessings to all, Mari

Continuation….Part 13 From the time I got home that afternoon, my daughter seemed to be really tired and pretty much slept all afternoon into the evening, I was afraid she would get dehydrated so I kept bringing her some fluids. I would wake her to take a few sips then she would go right back to sleep. It was around 10:30 that night when she hollered out a couple of times in pain, but when I went into her room to check on her she was asleep, I woke her up and asked her to take some Tylenol, she was irritable and said she just wanted to sleep. She didn’t have a fever and she hadn’t thrown up in a couple of hours, so I was hoping whatever she had was passing. Her dad and I finally went to bed shortly after 11:00 that night, it seemed like she was sleeping well enough, I was going to try and get some sleep as well, we had to get up early the next morning, she had her follow up with the specialist and we had to leave the house by 7:15. She always uses the bathroom in the master bedroom if she gets up at night, so as not to wake her three dogs (yes, 3 indoor dogs, poodle, cocker spaniel, & Chihuahua) by going to her bathroom down the hall, I felt comfortable I would hear her if she got up. It seemed I had just dozed off when I heard her throwing up, but she hadn’t come into our bathroom, so I got up and went into her room, I found her with her upper body flung over the side of the bed, throwing up into her trash can, but she had also gotten sick all over herself, I hollered for her dad to bring me a towel to clean her up and I was talking to her trying to get her to sit up, but it was as if she was still asleep. When her dad came in with the towels and we were trying to clean her up, she woke up, and he went off to get some clean linens, as she sat up on the bed, it was obvious she didn’t know she had just gotten sick, I was telling her that we needed to change her bed, then within minutes her eyes rolled back in her head she went back on the bed (almost like a faint) and her body started convulsing, it look like she was having a seizure. I yelled at her dad to call 911, he came in to ask why and I just yelled at him to do it, he grabbed the phone and called, while he is on the phone answering what seemed like a hundred questions they were asking him, her limbs straightened out and her entire body was stiff and solid, then her feet and hands were contorting, she started rolling to one side as her body was jerking, I was trying to keep her from falling off the bed, but I couldn’t move her, I told her dad to move her further over on the bed, but he couldn’t move her by himself either, she was as solid as a rock. We both had to lift her from her upper and lower body to move her. She was out of it for less than five minutes, the first to arrive was a fire truck, firefighters came in and while one talked to her dad another checked on her and asked me what had happened, while I was explaining the EMTs arrived and the same thing, one sat and enter information into a lap top while the other checked her vitals, by this time the episode had pretty much completely passed, the EMT checking her was asking her questions, but she wouldn’t talk, she just looked aggravated that she was tired and didn’t feel well and wanted to be left alone. Needless to say the EMT felt like she was a teen with an attitude, he wanted to know, had she been home all evening, could she have taken some drugs, we had informed them that she was pregnant, and advised him of the meds she was prescribed, but other than that nothing else, he said that whatever had occurred was probably not a seizure because it would have lasted longer, he said they were not going to transport her to the hospital, she seemed fine, her vitals were good, for us to just call her doctor the following day and make her an appointment and they left. By this time it was well after 1am, we had her lay on our bed with me and her dad took the recliner in the den. She fell back to sleep pretty quick, and I kept checking on her, at 4:00 am, she woke up and said her head hurt and while I was getting her some Tylenol, she had another episode, again I hollered for her dad to come help me, again it only lasted a few minutes then she fell back to sleep. We had decided that we would take her in first thing in the morning; we would get going at first light. We both remained semi awake, her dad on the recliner and I laying next to her and watching her,. Around 5:30 she began to throw up again, as soon as that passed, she fell asleep, not long after that she started breathing very heavy, wasn’t awake, yet she opened her eyes, again they rolled back and she had another seizure type episode with the stiff and contorting body. Again I called her dad to come help me, as soon as it passed, we dressed her, she was upset that we were taking her to the hospital, she didn’t want to go, said she was only sleepy. I had to get after her so we could get her in the van, shortly before 6am we were on our way to the hospital, we were not going to wait any longer, I didn’t’ care what the EMT had said, to me she was having seizures. I sat in the back with her and had her lay her head on my lap so she could sleep on the way to the hospital, as I caressed her head and hair, I just kept praying that she would be ok. When we arrived at the hospital which is only 15 minutes away, (though at the time it felt like it took us so much longer to finally get there), while my daughter and I waited in the van, her dad went in through the emergency entrance to find out which side we needed to take her in through, (the hospital we have always used for her has the children and adult emergency right next to each other), a nurse came out to the vehicle to asses my daughter and due to fact that she was pregnant, we were instructed to take her in through the adult ER, the nurse helped us get her out of the vehicle, and while my husband moved the van, the nurse helped me walk my daughter into the admitting office, we each had to sort of hold her up from each side while we walked because her balance and coordination were off. The nurse was asking my daughter about her symptoms and other questions, my daughter just kept walking (more like dragging) and would just look at us, it was like she really didn’t understand, the nurse told her that she needed to tell the admitting clerk what was wrong with her. Even though I had responded to the EMT, and now the nurse, they would direct their questions to my daughter and expected her to respond, I know it was because she was pregnant, it was as if they felt, well if she could get into this situation then she could respond for herself. The admitting clerk took her temp, normal, took her blood pressure, normal, though again I told him what she had been experiencing, he felt like she was over medicated with the prescription drugs, “her doses are too high for her size” was what he kept saying, because her balance was affected, he brought a wheel chair and wheeled her into a room in the ER, they got her on a bed, a nurse came in to check and get more information. Thank goodness we had a vigilant emergency room doctor who knew this was more serious, he asked us about her symptoms, which we told him all she had been experiencing, what made us think she was having seizures, the rolling back of the eyes, tremors, convulsions, then very heavy breathing, her body contorting and stiff and we told him she was pregnant, he wanted to know how far along she was. My daughter was not quite coherent, she was kind of lethargic, and it was as though she were really spaced out on very strong drugs. He asked the nurse to start her on an IV, she was already slightly dehydrated, it seemed like all of a sudden she had developed dark red circles around her eyes, and they seemed sunken in like her cheeks, her face had no other color, she was so pale or ashen looking, my baby didn’t look like the same girl of the morning before. “Does she have epilepsy or a history of seizures” the ER doctor wanted to know; no, only as an infant, twice she had febrile seizures (seizures that occurred when fever develops quickly without warning and shoots up very fast instead of gradually) we told him. He wanted to admit her for observation, asked who family doctor was, we advised him that she had a pediatric dr. that she hadn’t seen since her pregnancy test, a couple of months prior, but we gave him the names and contact info of both her pediatrician and her ob. He also wanted to run some test, would call her doctors, he wasn’t’ sure if he should admit her to the children’s hospital area or maternity floor, he told us he would be back as soon as possible. My daughter had fallen asleep again and while we waited for the doctor to return and tell us what test they were going to do, I left her dad with her , by this time it was almost 7:30 am, I stepped out to call my employer that I wouldn’t be in, I also called my daughter’s school and the specialist office that she would not be there. While the outside world was planning their Halloween outings for the day, I was experiencing quite an internal battle between my head and my heart. To be continued....

Elizabeth, You remind me of the DJ Delilah that comes on after 7 pm on soft rock.. Plays that perfect song for callers… You are amazing with your lyric selections for different situations.. I have seen some of them in other links. Our story has left me drained at times, didn’t think I had that many tears still left in me, reading the lyrics which ring so true to me and my struggles right now, wow.. I needed that.. Thank you all, for continued encouragement and support, I know I will get over this hill or mountain (depending on the day I am having)..May you all have a wonderful weekend... Love and Blessings Mari

Dear Abrazo Family, When I finally decided to start sharing our family’s journey in the forum, I knew that it would be a difficult task. I struggled with how much information to provide; originally I thought that less was better, especially since I try to be protective of my child, and I knew the birth grandparents link is not a protected one like the rest, so exposing & sharing if you will, our story would not only be read by members of the forum (which was the purpose), but it was a possibility that people outside the forum group would also be able to read, this was a concern of mine.. Then I thought, had we not been in the position we were in, I would have never found the site, we were exposed to the site because of this personal need. So back to how much information, it was important for me that the people who read our story could fully understand our journey with all the struggles and heartache; I wanted you to now us to hopefully be able to understand us (hope this makes sense). Which is how I came to the decision to share far more then my original plan, (darn those plans that keep changing), I don’t regret it, I know it is helping me much more then I thought, and all of your encouragement and understanding has been amazing. Our story from the beginning of my child’s experience was difficult in it self, but our journey was filled with so many other events that complicated what some would say “just a pregnancy”. I have been struggling with the next parts of our journey, which is why I haven’t posted the next part(s), they are struggles that I replay in my head often, I knew this time would come when I started sharing our journey, and felt mixed emotions about it. I guess I had/have let it consume me, because since Monday night, I have not had a full night sleep. I am working on getting the strength and courage to share the next leg of events, I know I will, just not sure how soon. Though my faith has never left me, sometimes I am not as courageous as I would hope. I don’t know if any of you believe in signs, you already know I certainly do, I was born and raised Catholic, (still am) not that the religion makes me any better then anyone else, but within the Catholic community, sometimes some of us tend to believe in signs(me one of them) more then others. I practice my faith for the most part, not fanatically, and I don’t go to church every Sunday, like some think I should, but not a day goes by that I don’t pray several times a day. As I have been struggling with the next piece, I have found myself at times this past week lost in my own thoughts. Something happened to me this past Tuesday, I was going to share it with you on Wednesday then thought, nah, people are going to think I went off the deep end and wondering if I am getting psychiatric help. Then this morning there was a story on the news, kind of what I had been thinking, yes, you guessed it, my sign. I am sure many of you have heard those stories, where people see images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary, in the strangest things and places. Well, this morning, someone saw the image of the Mother Mary on an ironing board, (first I thought, wow people still iron), but also thinkin, was this a coincidence? In the past, when I have heard these stories, I think, wow, cool and don’t give it a second thought after that. HERE GOES, PLEASE DON’T THINK I AM NUTS EVEN THOUGH IT MAY SOUND NUTS!!!!!!!!! I found myself Tuesday sitting and lost in my thoughts, I was playing with a piece of foil (had just eaten a taco), smoothed it, flattened it, rolled it, squish it with my fingers, I don’t know why, was just keeping my hands occupied I guess. When I put it down, it looked like an image, I showed it to my daughter and my mom and asked them what it looked like (waiting for them to say a piece of wadded up foil), they both said the same image I had seen, then later that evening I showed it to my husband and he mentioned the same thing. He asked me why I thought I had made it, heck how should I know, it isn’t like I tried, wouldn’t have known where to start, I told him(I know he was probably thinking, because I don’t go to church every weekend like he and God was sending me a message). Later I told my daughter that maybe because I was struggling with memories of a mother’s heart ache and fear, and in much need of strength, Jesus sent his mother’s image in this piece of foil to give me the courage. So what ever it was meant to be, it has given me that push and this weekend I plan to work on the next part of our journey. I will post a few pics in my album, you be the judge, I would be interested in knowing what you think. It’s ok if you think I am a little nuts, you would be right in there with my daughters that think that sometimes. blessings, Mari

Continuation….Part 12 The last few days had been exhausting both mentally and physically, actually the last month, and it had been a long 2 ½ months. Even though we kept pushing ahead, I couldn’t help but look back at the recent sequence of events, it would be ideal to just leave well enough alone, and forget that we were in the middle of something with such significance, to keep plowing on like nothing had changed, but that was of course an unrealistic choice. We were in need of some distraction. Several months earlier we had promised my little nephew/godchild a trip to Sea World and to the movies, which he hadn’t forgotten, even at age 3 and was looking forward to. This was as good a time as any to keep that promise to him, so my daughter and her dad took him to the movies, she and I would take him to Sea World in a couple of days . When they arrived home from the movies, my daughter went straight to bed, her dad informed me that she had gotten sick to her stomach at the theater before the movie was over, and was sick all the way to drop off the little one and back home. I checked in on her and she said she just had a headache, to lighten her mood some, I told her that the theater had just called and they didn’t want her back anytime soon, they were still trying to clean up after her. A couple of days later we went to my brother’s to pick up my nephew for the trip to Sea World, it was an extremely hot October day, so we decided to wait a while for the day to get a little cooler. We had been at the house for about an hour when my daughter started to complain of a head again, said she didn’t feel well, laid down in her cousin’s room and fell asleep. My sister in law asked me if I had been that sick with either of my girls, nope can’t say that I was I told her, labors were long, they were 23 and 26 hours in that order, but never had the morning sickness or migraines like my daughter had been getting. She mentioned her doctor had told her that sometimes a daughter’s pregnancy mimics the mother’s, well I guess we aren’t a good example of that theory I laughed. When my daughter woke up she was still not feeling well, she looked flushed, almost as if she had a fever, her cheeks were really red and hot, took her temp and it was normal, but we postponed the trip for another day and I took her home. That next Monday I called her ob’s office to see if there was anything stronger she could take, her dr. prescribed Tylenol with codeine. Her headaches and nausea were getting more frequent and it seemed like more intense. The Tylenol seemed to help and the next week started out as a fairly normal one, she was feeling well, and needed to stay focused on school because the first 9 wks were almost over, and she had missed several days of school already, a few due to our trip out of town, but several due to not feeling well. No sooner had she said that she had been feeling better when she started again with her headaches. We had made plans to sit in front of the computer and surf the adoption agencies she had selected, but she didn’t feel well. I started to think that maybe it was her mental way of avoiding what she needed to do., another week that was coming to an end. She would have a busy week ahead, and her energy seemed to be at a low level, she just wanted to sleep because her headaches wouldn’t go away. That Sunday, I ended up calling her doctor’s emergency line because she was not feeling well at all and the Tylenol didn’t seem to be helping her any more, a nurse, called me back and advise me to give her two pills every 4 to 6 hours after I told her what her symptoms were, she advised that if the Tylenol didn’t help to take her into the ER to have her checked out. Monday would be a school holiday, so she would be able to rest an extra day, but then she had a follow up with her counselor, I am sure her counselor was eager to find out how “our talk” had gone, and at the end of the week she had her second appointment with the ob specialist to run a more detailed sonogram and release her from their care to only see her regular ob again. The extra dosage of Tylenol seemed to do the trick for a few days, she went to school and to see her counselor that Tuesday, Wednesday was another school day, and Friday she was due to see the ob specialist. Wednesday night she went to bed and woke up around 2 am to go to the bathroom and said her head was again hurting, we gave her Tylenol and she went back to bed, in the morning she still had the headache so we let her stay home from school. Her dad went home mid morning to check on her and he called me at work, said she didn’t look good, couldn’t hold anything down, was as if she had a stomach virus. I had him call the doctor’s office again and they prescribed some suppositories for her nausea and vomiting. He stayed with her and as soon as I got home he went to get her prescription, brought it home and then he went to work for a while. I never really thought about my inner strength, my hero with this was my mom. I have always prayed for God to give me just a ¼ of the strength she has, and I knew I would be ok.. After all she had lost two children, her first born just 2 ½ yrs before my father, she was left a widow with then five kids at the age of 43, the oldest at the time was now me 17 and the youngest 7, lost a second child (4th born) 20 yrs to the month from her first child, and a second husband just 7 yrs. later to cancer. I really don’t know how she did it, how she managed to continue to nurture and be there for the rest of us. My mother’s grandchildren are her biggest joy; she says they keep her young and active, she will bend over backwards for her family. I have always told her I want to be just like her when I grow up. Little did I know that my strength would soon be tested more then I ever thought possible, I thought we had already been challenged and tested with my daughter’s pregnancy and the plan for adoption, but nothing could have prepared me for what laid ahead. Could my morbid thoughts been an insight to the future? To be continued....

I will take your compliment then.... I wonder if it is really easier w/boys...have a step son 27, but didn't really see much of him, and my sister has two boys (teens), they are pretty close to their mom, but they don't share much with her or anyone else about personal thoughts..my other nephews (2) are still to little.. hummm But, wouldn't trade my girls for anything, headaches and all. Have a wonderful day.. and thanks again Mari

Suzi, April, Tracey, Thank you for your comments, but I don’t deserve too many kudos, I am far from a great mom.. I know the fact that my daughter was pregnant saved us both, in a way I won't ever fully understand. I was far from pleased with the situation of her pregnancy and taking into consideration everything she had already been through, sometimes I would still get irritated, because I felt if she wasn’t in that position, she wouldn’t be dealing with all she had. But, at that moment, the pregnancy helped her, it had forced the counseling sessions and forced me to handle that particular situation with a little more patience then I would normally have, which made it easier for her to open up. It helped me because, it forced the counseling, allowed me to use the example of parent and child which now she understood..I had used this reasoning numerous times before, but it hadn’t fazed her before, until she was on the verge of being a mother herself, so she could relate a little better. I can be just as strong willed as she, and as stubborn as she..I had to work really hard as a teen myself to control my anger, so I know where my poor baby gets a lot of it from. Last night after I posted, I went to bed, fell asleep pretty quickly, but awoke a little before 2 am thinking of that incident, it kept replaying over and over in my head, and the what if questions. Though I feel comfortable with the way it all turned out, as a parent, I still question to this day if I handled the whole experience the best way, and what can I take away from it to make me not only a better mother, but a better person. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 6 am. Gosh, that takes me back to all those nights that my head spins with questions and concerns and sleep evades me. I find myself in this place often, trying to analyze it all, breaking it down bit by bit. I know somewhere down the road, this won’t be the case, but for now I just learn to deal with it. I do appreciate the continued support, encouragement and prayers.. Blessings to all, Mari