ElizabethAnn

Gracias! Offering open adoption as a "sales pitch" to birthparents to convince them that placing their babies won't still hurt is as unethical as offering closed adoption to adoptive families as "assurance" that the children they adopt won't ever need to know where they came from. Open adoption is not in any way simple or easy-- nothing that's meaningful in life ever is! but the effort is requires of adults is a small price compared to the toll that secrets and lies take on adopted children. If you have arms wide enough to arms wide enough to embrace an adopted child, then have hearts big enough to welcome their birthparents into your lives as well. (I'm proud to know ALOT of open-armed, big-hearted people around here! Thanks for that! )

Ok... let's try a new angle. Birthparents: what was the nicest thing any of your relatives said or did to let you know they supported your adoption decision (beforehand or afterwards)?

Wow. Those are powerful words. Thank you for sharing them, Laurie!

This was printed in my church bulletin today, under "Words for Meditation": Transitions are almost always signs of growth, but they can bring feelings of loss. To get somewhere new, we may have to leave somewhere else behind. Fred Rogers

Thank you! I think God has blest us with the nicest of clients and the best of vocations! (And the sweetest of babies, but that goes without saying!)

Kristal, I understand completely where you're coming from, because we too struggle with the question of "labelling" people who come to us seeking different services. I do recognize that the semantics are a hot issue on birthparents' rights websites, but I really don't think that agencies use the term "birthmother" before birth as a conspiracy to brainwash women into thinking adoption is their only option. I realize that many women who are pregnant and don't want to be do not want to consider themselves "mothers" and therefore find even that portion of the term "birthmother" awkward. Maybe it comes down to a question of whether you identify with "mother" as noun or a verb? Is it who you are or what you do? Or both? Maybe every woman who gives birth is a birthmother; do those who parent then go on to become Moms? If you have any good ideas of what else we could use in place of the "B" term, please help us! "Expectant-woman-considering-adoption" is too unwieldy... "Prospective adoption planner" is too impersonal... "Firstmother" again uses the word mother (offensive to some) and implies that any other mom is second best... "Tummymummy" is just plain goofy... "Lifegiver" seems too abstract... and "Precious preggo" just doesn't sound right, either!!! By the same token, isn't it just as inconsiderate to refer to parents who originally adopted as "adoptive parents"? I'd hate to think that this phrase is part of any conspiracy to brainwash loving parents who adopted into thinking they are anything less than "real" parents, thus instilling that sole role in their minds. Even worse, to some, is referring to people who were--on one day of their lives, adopted-- as "adoptees", like it's some condition that cripples them forever. Yet I've struggled with this myself; here on the Forum, we do have a section for "Adoptees" just because we couldn't come up with a better way to title that area (maybe "Children & Adults Who Were Once Adopted"?) Language is soooo important, and these are sensitive issues! How we talk about adoption has a huge impact-- it's not "just talk." Let's keep this dialogue going and maybe, just maybe, together we can come up with new solutions for a very old problem!

Amanda Mc shared this quote elsewhere on the forum, but I thought it captured profoundly the fear that some feel about birthparents... even when, like Eric W., they are adopting internationally and thus have little or no opportunity to ever get to know their child's original parents. What is really at the root of this fear? Is it fear of loss? Is it need for ownership? Is it longing for autonomy? A sense of obligation? Discomfort with dependency? Lack of control? Birthparents, after all, feel the same kinds of uncertainty and apprehension towards adopting parents; each party worries that the other holds all the cards, and each fears that the other may forever have the potential to disappoint. Yet the actual outcome of most open adoptions is so much more positive, so much healthier. Why is it that these fears and anxieties still hold such power over those who approach the adoption process? It's okay--and normal-- to feel these things; what's important is that we work through those feelings and learn and grow, so we can teach our children to do the same.

Here's a nifty gift idea; if your loved ones are adopting and you'd like to help them out, send a check or money order made out to "Abrazo Trust" with their names on the memo line, and we'll post a credit to their escrow account, to be used towards their adoption expenses! (We'll even send them a note to let them know who to thank.) Because while adoption is, truly, the investment of a lifetime, it's also the one gift that really does go on giving!! Season's Greetings to all our grandparents-to-be (and aunts-to-be, and uncles-to-be, and cousins-to-be, and...)

Ooooooh-wheeeee!!! What's that old saying, "cheese pizza hath no fury like a woman scorned?" In Laura's defense, let me just say that perhaps she was in a different place emotionally when she expressed that opinion. Folks who are grieving (whether they're grieving the loss of the child they cannot have, or the loss of a child they cannot parent) are often struggling with anger and resentment, so it's not unusual for people in such pain to lash out at others. Of course, those who view adoption like a business transaction or surrogacy arrangement do often think maternity support should be repaid, like a loan come due, if the baby isn't placed. (Here's something to make your stomach turn: when I first began working in adoption in 1987, agencies or attorneys could demand reimbursement, under Texas law; however, legislators came to their senses and prohibited such demands only a few years later, because it was too often misused to coerce indigent moms into giving up parental rights against their will.) And let's be honest; there are plenty of grifters out there-- malicious, meanspirited people who impersonate birthparents and their intentions in order to gain financial support from adoptive parents or agencies. But (1) nobody should be giving out enough money to make this profitable, and (2) that's about fraud, which is a whole different story than a needy mom who initially planned for adoption but later decides it is best that she parent her baby herself after birth. That said, let me say that I think birthmoms are right to speak out against those who cast aspersions on them. Birthparents have been disenfranchised and downtrodden and manipulated and shamed by society for long enough, and if their words or the emotions behind them make any of us a little uncomfortable (myself included!) perhaps it's because there's a grain of truth sanding down our defenses until we find the pearl of wisdom hidden within!

You betcha, sweetie. Just call Pamela at the office tomorrow and let her know (1) if you want us to use your full name or first name, and (2) where to send your newsletter! Thanks again!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!(Sound of enthusiastic applause!!!) Kristal, I am giving you a standing ovation!!! That is just about the most simple and profound explanation of open adoption I've ever seen. Wow!! (If it's okay with you, I'd like to reprint that in our newsletter going out this week.) Birthparents are and will always be a part of any child they birth and place, so any other family who adopts that child has to be able to accept and embrace that truth--and that birthparent!-- if they are truly prepared to fully accept and embrace that child as their own. It's that simple. (And that complex.) Sharing is hard. It's hard when we're in kindergarten, and it's hard when we're grown. But it's by learning to master that challenge that we teach our kids to do the same. Because they, too, may adopt one day, and what a gift you will have given your grandkids or birthgrandkids by having taught their parents the blessings of openness and honesty in adoption by your example!

Hey there! Any of our newer forumites want to weigh in on how they knew when they were ready to move from fertility treatment to adoption? (And how they got their spouse on the same page?)

Actually, the author of that poem is Brenda Romanchik, a birthmom who is well known to the Abrazo staff from years of northern Michigan adoption conferences. She placed through Jim Gritter's agency, Catholic Social Services and also is the creator of the Birthparent Book of Memories. Brenda's son Adam was adopted in an open adoption; he is now in his teens and has a very positive relationship with his parents as well as Brenda, her husband and their two children. Some of you may be familiar with her, as we distribute her tape recorded presentation from one of those Michigan conferences as part of our Adoption Institute homework. Thanks for sharing her poem here!

Sherri, please know that we are all behind you and Kristal, all the way!!! Kristal is such a beautiful young woman, inside and out, and she's got tremendous spirit! To have faced her personal crises with courage and honesty then making such an effort to rise above them says volumes about her character, and about her upbringing. Yet, like so many birthmoms I know, she doesn't even realize her own potential!! That girl is surely going to go places in life. I know that what she's been through, and the grief and loss you've both endured, has been tougher than anyone knows. You're both in the throes of recovering from this very emotional experience, and yet you've both been so gracious to share your innermost thoughts with us here on the Forum. Thank you: for that, for your daughter, and so much more! I wish all our birthparents had the kind of support you've given your baby!

For some fascinating current data and research on who birthmothers are and why they choose adoption, see Encyclopedia of Adoption.

Here's an interesting question, overheard at our recent board meeting: How do you know if your family is complete yet? We always tell birthparents that adoption is a decision that should never be based on money (or the lack of it) so with that in mind... how (else) would you answer the above question?

GUIDELINES FOR VISITING BIRTHPARENTS & BABY IN HOSPITAL: 1) Before the visit, be sure to read the book "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin or a similar guide, so that you have a clear understanding of how open adoptions work and so that you are prepared to use "positive adoption language" in speaking with the birthparents. 2) Remember that no adoption decision can be legally made until the baby is at least 2 days old, so your role and that of the prospective adoptive parents is to be at the hospital only as a support person for the mother, and not as the new relatives of the baby. Hospitals generally do not welcome anyone but the biological mother into the nursery, so contact visits with the child must occur in the mother's room, and care should be taken by visitors to be respectful of the mother's rights and not "step in" to do feedings or change diapers or hold the infant without the mother's approval. 3) Keep in mind that adoption laws prohibit coercion or duress or inducement in the making of a birthparent's surrender decision, so be careful not to say or do anything that could in any way place pressure or guilt upon the birthparents with regards to the decision they make for their child. 4) Keep visits short, and offer to step out if the birthparents have relatives or guests arrive, as they may or may not have told their friends and family members what their placement plans are. 5) Make no demands or requests of hospital staff. Hospital personnel can be very sensitive when adoption plans are going on, and tend to be very protective of the patient's rights. 6) When taking photos, ask the birthparents for permission first, and include them in the shot unless they ask to be left out of it. 7) Small gifts (i.e., candy, flowers) are fine to bring, but remember that state laws prohibit any "gifts of value" or cash contributions or direct payments of expenses in adoption plans. 8) After placement, send the agency a card or note for the birthparent, thanking them for including you in that special time in the hospital and assuring them that the baby is much loved by your family and that the birthparents are in no way forgotten. (Anybody else out there have pointers or ideas to add?)

As inspired by a discussion elsewhere between Jada and linlacor, and resurrected here in hopes of inspiring more of the parents of our parents-in-waiting to post...(hint! hint!) What do you want your future grandchild to call you?

Hi, Stephanie! Angela can check the standards for you, but I suspect you might have to look at a larger home, because I know that foster care regulations require so many square feet of sleeping room per so many people...? Hmmm. As far as renting vs. owning your home, however, that makes no difference; what matters is that you have a safe and clean place to live and you manage your budget sufficiently to support a child from infancy to adulthood.