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HeidiK

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Posts posted by HeidiK

  2. Cancer Survivors Welcome Here!

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Rebecca-

    I have been a cancer nurse for almost 20 yrs- each treatment cycle can be different. Sometimes the fatigue gets you, others times infection or nausea...best advice is to approach each one as if it was the 1st time only you are smarter and quicker to react to the symptoms that might crop up. Sleep is an important part of healing ;)

    May the next three treatments be the next three steps towards a lifetime of happiness

  11. Nursery Notes

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I can just imagine who beautiful this little princess is going to be- Haiwaiian and AA- gorgeous! Hoping the perfect match is found for this special little girl.

    Tamra

    Me too, me too. This is the kind of PM I would love to be able to respond to. In a couple of years, I hope to be the one messaging the STORK. This child is going to be soooo beautiful!

    Someone, please respond!

    A couple I know from another site FedEx their prolife and home study today...Hey you never know

  15. The Myths, Misconceptions, Facts, & Reality of Open Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Is an open adoption agreement legally inforcable?

    This is most certainly a court case to watch...IMO - there is a lot here that is not said. The 1st thing that I thought of is why did the potential adoptive parents agree to every 3rd weekend visits and to keep the father's parental connection a secret? I think they both got some really poor advice regarding what an open adoption really is! What do you think?

  18. Positive Adoption Language

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I know if Christopher's birthmom said "my adoptive parents"...well...that would just be awkward to me, and it most certainly would if she said "my parents". But by saying "My son's adoptive parents" (or just parents even, though I do believe sometimes labels are needed to clarify) to me that respects my place even more, and puts us at an equal playing field. I guess "our birthmom" makes her sound like...well...sort of a puppy or something to me! LOL

    Oh, but they do. I have heard it on many occasions sitting in birthparent support group. The "girls" will be talking about their chosen families and say "my adoptive parents..." They of course don't mean it literally, but they do feel a sense of ownership. They show off your profiles/pictures to each other so everyone in the group can get to know you as well. I have also heard on many occasions the girls debating over who's adoptive parents are the best, i.e. "I have the best adoptive parents," "No, my adoptive parents are the best parents!" I find this type of conversation quite endearing, not awkward.

    Also, isn't calling a woman a birthparent before she places essentially the same thing as calling parents who adopted, adoptive parents after the adoption is finalized? Would this not be just as offensive???

    Color me - ready to learn something new every day- thanks for enlightening me- :D:rolleyes: I would have never guessed - but now I know better.

    Angela - youa re so right! It makes me so mad when people say things at a funeral like they have 4 kids - 2 bio and 2 adopted - like how their kids entered into their family makes a difference for their entire life and like its any body's business, why can't they say surrvied by 4 children..period! I am not an adoptive parent - I am a woman who created her family through the miracle called adoption. And that's how I try to identify myself when people ask. I always try and correct the comment - do you know their "real" mother ...sure I do.... I am their "real" mother now and forever. And their birthfamilies - I love them very much!

  19. Positive Adoption Language

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I love that our friendship is authentic enough to disagree, Heidi, and I thank you for your candor.

    I think the forum family understands the endearment part behind the phrase but not everyone is part of the family.

    Knowing you as I do, I think what you're saying here isn't that you don't believe birthparents don't have a right to belong to the family system into which their child is adopted... but that unfortunately, many people who are all too quick to "claim" an expectant woman as "our birthmother" prior to the birth are shamefully unwilling to continue genuinely embracing her as family once she's signed her child over to them... is that right?

    That is exactly what I am trying to say- I think matching is like a blind date - if it that goes REALLY well - you might know in your heart that this person will be forever a member of your family - but you don't dare "claim" them as "ours" until you walk the walk. Does that make sense? I can't imagine a woman who is making an adoption plan calling me "her adoptive mom". Latonya always refered to me at the lady she choose to be Gabe's mommie - and I loved that.

    Thanks Adam for the shout out - I was not the brightest bulb when it game to adoption and adoption language - I have learned a ton - and gotten my butt kicked a few times around here. I have listen to everything people have said and tried to figure out how I can do better for my boys and for all members of my personal triad. I am just trying to walk the talk...ya know? ;)

  20. Positive Adoption Language

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Hold on everyone, I have found the solution. It came to me whilst typing a PM to Heidi, with whom I have been holding a lively discussion :)

    How about this:

    Dear Woman Who Chose Us To Match With But Will Not Be A Birth Mother Until She Gives Birth, And Will Not Be Our Son's Birth Mother Until We Take Placement

    or DWWCUTMWBWNBABMUSGBAWNBOSBMUWTP for short.

    (okay, I'll go put on my helmet now)

    :P

    Linda

    No helmet need - but I would like to amend the phrase-

    Dear Woman Who Chose Us To Match With But Will Not Be A Birth Mother Until She Gives Birth, And Will Not Be Our Son's Birth Mother Until she graciously signs the required paperwork that will therefore create a family that will honor her always

    Much better :rolleyes:

  21. Positive Adoption Language

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    But how we refer to anything shapes our definition of it, and that of those around us, so this is a very important issue, however arbitrary it may seem.

    Yet, as human beings, we make sense of our relationships by terms that identify who's who to us, so it stands to reason that we need some labels to qualify our relations with those within our family circle. For prospective adoptive parents to refer to an expectant mother as "our birthmom" (when she will only ever truly be "my birthmom" to the child that she births) strikes me as an endearment-- the claiming of someone as a relative, of sorts.

    Elizabeth -

    I disagree ..respectfully of course. I do think that every single person on the forum that has refered to the woman they have been matched with as "our birthmother" has their heart in the very best place- and are searching for ways to express this new and developing realtionship. I think claiming them as "our birthmom" is presuming alot and struggle with better "labels". I think the forum family understands the endearment part behind the phrase but not everyone is part of the family - <_<

  22. Positive Adoption Language

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I am bumping this up - since this is my personal pet peive with adoption forums in general.

    A woman who is carrying a child and thinking about making an adoption plan and placement is not a birthmom until after placement. PIW's should be respectful with their language - these women are not anyone's birthmom during the match process. I love how creative people have been recently with their language and encourage others to find other ways to refer to these ladies beside calling them our "birthmom". PLEASE this is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings - but to help us all remmeber to use positive language

    Stepping off my box now! :D

  25. JUNO- The Movie

    in Considering Adoption?

    Posted

    Going to movies together? What's that? ;) My husband and I each saw Juno, separately while the other parent was with the kiddos. We did talk a little about it after...we both agreed that it certainly could be AN adoption story, since each one is so different.

    It's been a few months now, but one scene kind of stuck with me...just a little thing, really, but when the prospective adoptive mother takes a moment to arrange the parenting magazines prominently displayed on the coffee table, I think I was the only one in the theater laughing. I was SO THERE with that first home study! So nervous! Making sure the house was cleaner than it ever had been before (or since)....ensuring coffee and tasty refreshments were available....mentioning the books I'd been reading on adoption, especially transracial adoption...will the social worker like us? What will she say about us? Suffice it to say, things were much more casual in subsequent post-placement and pre-adoptive (#2) homestudies! :lol:

    About the various Juno controversies: So the characters said ignorant/potentially offensive things. That's Life. I try to view these situations as opportunities to be an "Adoption Ambassador", in hope that more eyes and hearts can be opened. Sadly, there will always be people like a friend of ours encountered:

    http://dutchgirl2.multiply.com/journal/item/8/Royal_Flush

    Larisa

    I am so right there with you - I was rolling watching her "get" ready for the visit. I was so there for my1st homestudy visit. My girlfriend had NO idea why that was even remotely finny to me! Been there done that. :rolleyes:

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