breadandwater
-
Posts
43 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Gallery
Events
Posts posted by breadandwater
-
-
that last sentence was a lot harsher than i meant...............but ....yeah....there are days....... that no matter how o.k., happy, satisfied with your decision.................that you really won't be you again till God says to your face, "You're OK"
sorry if i offended anyone
-
OMG......................U ARE NOT ALONE...................im at peace with my decision even though there are times im not at peace with the b/f.............we are progressing and achieving things....... YES, if we had the boys, well we wouldnt be able to. so yes, i'm reflectful, GUILTY, HURT, and all those other bad things but ....YES.... im proud and happy b/c my children and his others can at least enjoy these accomadations and living styles. it doesnt matter if im a hobo on the street tommorrow or a millionaire i will pray for a time machine and for God to make my life different back then..............no matter how much i love my AP'S.......... if i could change time, i would have my boys.............
but changing times, means changing people, and changing souls..........
good hearts are hard to find, easy to mend till you go through adoption.....................then you need a specialist, ............who'll you'll only meet in heaven.
-
thanks for all the kinds words............usually, it doesnt bother me so. but ive said it before....through this process (i believe its true on both sides) you learn there is a big difference between acceptance and support. i guess just a couple days in a row i had a lot of contact with some that tried to be supportive, but tried to act accepting, the truth is. i'd rather you just spit it out and say it which way you lean. so i know where to lean when i need it. instead of leaning and almost falling over and walking away and feeling "stupid" as if i should of known better.
anyway....thanks for the kind words they do help.
breadandwater
-
hours later..........i ponder what i wrote, but you know it did help.........after i got off i made some phone calls i had been avoiding and some i had just been putting off. i know some of us birthmoms just dont want to show the negative side we "want" to be happy, and make our lives better. but this, this is our safe haven, those who read will understand, also some need to understand. so please join me in using this as your sounding board. i may not have traveled all the paths you've been down, but there is one we have in common. and that particular one no one can pretend to understand but those that have been down it.
breadandwater
-
By working with Abrazo you have chosen, what i consider the best agency. speaking as a birth mom, they have really taken care of me in ways, well i dont even think they know they have. they really do care about both birth parents and adoptive parents. they also pray and want the most ultimate, loving, repectful relationship for both sides. as a birth mom im glad i did not go with another agency, and become one of the cattle to be processed through. ive seen many birth moms from months, even yrs, come back to group. they really care. they care about both sides, and in the "situation" that is the utmost importance. you are in good hands, let them guide you and your heart will burst. there is no other explanation.
breadandwater
-
u know the amazing thing during this process, is that no matter how loving and supportive you have been to your friends and family......even non-judgmental (is that a word) 
.....the people that are gonna hang tuff with you are not the ones you hung tuff for. its very sad, at first i thought it was just me and i was being insecure about how people felt vs. what they told me they felt about it. PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH IN REALITY. it boggles my mind to think the people that i can lean on and are happy about me starting over and on the path to achieving my dreams, are people who nothing invested in my life before 6 months ago, AND THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD OF BEEN THE MOST AFFECTED BY ME PLACING. the people handling the best are the birth father, and my other 2 children. it sickens me to think that my 11 and 9 year old, are more loving and accepting of the whole thinga than the adfults in my life. and as time goes on and little feelings are let out...i find myself distancing myself from them and not caring about it. that frightens me because many times in the past i have been the glue that held many relationships together. but i just feel in their eyes they dont see what they are doing, i really think that they dont think i see their "shame, disappointment, pain" and knowing me, they know im not going to confront them with others around. i feel it is of a great loss. eventually, they lose more than the 2 boys, they will have lost me, and my 11, and 9 year old.......and they will not understand. i just dont see how people can look in the mirror, everyday, and not see what they do. they all dont want to blame me.....so they look to the birthfather. yes, he had a lot to do with the choice, but really it takes 2 to make a relationship bad. but when it comes right down to it........through the pregnancy he was there more than they were. and after the placement, he has been the one to give me a shoulder, been my punching bag (literallly, and hes a small guy, poor dude), and.....the one to be happy with me. has anyone else encountered anything like this, or is my circle of family and friends just certifiable.
breadandwater
-
dear elaine,
remember you put your future in God's hands when you married, and through your path in life you have endured more emotional pain than this. Mickey and you were blessed with Makayla. She was an Angel sent from him to you for her wings to grow. Long as they treat her right now it was in the plan. I know, we are suppossed to forgive and forget. But life today isn't built like that. Take the experience and remember it, because that cut you much deeper than anyone else can. Let God and your blessing heal the wound.
Also remember, they come from a time when you didn't know anything on either side of the coin with the adoption. It was not talked about or thought it about--- just shoved in the bottom of the "rag" box only to be used if necessary. Sensationalism has a lot to do with it too, you never hear on the news the beautiful stories only the ugly ones.
Put your anger and resentment in God's hands. And when your around them and you feeel that just look at that lil' Angel of yours and hug her and kiss her.
You never know maybe God's plan was Makayla was going to bring ya'll closer, and possibly even greater things for Mickey's family.
God Bless, hope I helped.
Tanya
I can totally relate to some of these problems. Mickey and I have talked about adopting for many years now. We have shared our plans with both sides of our families. Well, infertility runs on both sides of my family...so adoption is pretty common in my family. The only thing that my family was upset about was that we didn't "get our name in the pot" sooner!
Mickey's parents were a different story. We tried to warm them up to the idea of adoption for at least two or three years (mentioning it on and off). We did that in order to prepare them for the avenue in which they would become grandparents. Well, for years we have endured rude coments ("You don't know what you are getting!...etc.). We explained that you don't know "what you are getting" with a biological child either.
Patience is not my strong point. At times I have biten my tongue and others I have stood up for what I believe, but regardless of my response their opinion was always negative (concerning adoption) and rubbed me the wrong way...to put it mildly!
Well, fast forward to this past January. When we decided to pursue adoption through Abrazo and began filling out our paperwork...we decided to share with our families the good news. Mickey and I were a nervous wreck, b/c we knew we would not be well received by his parents. Isn't that unfortunate?
My parents were thrilled. They had been waiting for us to give them that good news for a long time. Mickey's parents were not at all happy. Not only did we not get a pat on the back or "congratulations" or a hug...we got a lecture on the dangers of adoption/adopted kids. It still sickens me to think about it.
This was before we actually got the call about Makayla. Since having Makayla placed with us they have seemed to do a 180.
I should be happy about this, but I am not. I really struggle with this nearly every day. My resentment has grown to the point of me having upset stomachs when I think about the whole situation.
I don't think my in-laws realized that this child has been loved for years. She was and is very much wanted. I have prayed for her for literally years. Not just that I get a little girl, but that she is healthy, etc.
If I had been sitting on their couch pregnant and announced that they were going to become grandparents would they have been angry? Would they have insulted the child I carried in my womb? I think not. Yet, they had no problem slapping me in the face since my family is being built through adoption.
Little did/do they know that when they insulted my adoption plan they insulted my child (which is worse than insulting me)! It is a daily struggle to try to forgive this. It truly is. There is a lot more to the story than I have the time to type. We have never been close with one another anyways, and the relationship has often felt strained...but this took the cake. It literally was the last straw in my mind. I felt like I had waited so many years to become a mother, and they were trying to steal my joy!
The problem is that I want Makayla to know her grandparents. And I want them to know her (she is their only g-child, as Mickey is an only child), but it is so hard for me to even look at them with her after the way they talked about her (or adopted kids in general).
I know that I have got to work on forgiveness. That is the only way. What happened can not be taken back.
They now seem to accept Makayla...it is me that is having problems moving past this situation.
I just feel that things went from an adopted child is not wanted to the other extreme of gushing all over her.
My Mom told me that I should be happy that they finally accept Makayla...and I am, but I am sad that on the day that we announced that we were "expecting" (through adoption) we were completely shot down and insulted. Not only were we insulted, but our future child was very much insulted. And also the many other terrible comments that were thoughtless concerning adoption that we have endured for years. The hurt, anger, and resentment has only grown.
I am the type of person that can not stand for big things to be swept under the rug....and this situation has been. Mickey's Dad was the one that went on and on about the horrors of adopted kids, and he has never apologized for it or even mentioned it since. Just like it never happened...even after I sent them a nasty email blasting them out about the situation.
I don't know if an apology would take care of all of this resentment, but it couldn't hurt anything.
Anybody have any suggestions? This is a sticky situation that needs to be resolved. I would love to hear from any of you that have a word of advice or encouragement!
Elaine
p.s. I gave them the book "Adoption is a Family Affair"...never heard if either one of them read it or not.
Who Birthmoms Are
in Considering Adoption?
Posted · Edited by breadandwater
elizabeth, you are so positive......................no matter who you are speaking too......and your words.........do you have a theasaraus by your desk..
.? but being with you in group and in orientation and some "serious matters" . you should be on opera.............you definitley bring the best to both sides of the table. and >>>>>>>...here comes the greedy side....lol.......my children will be able to shout at the roof tops without their friends saying "your mom...."....and they'll be able to say yeah "that's my brother..."
obviously you have the PASSION,the knowledge, the experience, and the LOOKS
to make opera listen...........and shes like "e.f.hutton".......
ok i just dated myself ther..............
i think if we all email her like in one 24 hour period from our ............what am i talking about.....does anyonr know a way?