suebee
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Posts posted by suebee
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Juno, on the other hand, seemed very strong and secure...this is the way it is and this is what I'm going to do about it. I would bet this is also very common in relationships. A very strong, decisive woman and a man who just goes along. Besides...he's told "it's her body...it's her choice."
Maybe I'm sexist, but I think sometimes men don't step up to the plate because they don't know they're needed.
In real life, I've found that even the most decisive, most independent or irreverent and non-emotive birthmoms are anything but strong and secure, inside. But they'd be the last ones in the world to admit it. Sometimes, it's their camouflage they take on, to protect themselves from looking (or feeling) too vulnerable at what is in fact their most vulnerable point of all...
That said, Susan, I think you're right: pregnant fathers rarely seem to know how to be needed without prompting. It's an isolating experience, whether you're the one with the belly or not. And sometimes, they need someone to "tell them what is needed" just as much as their babies' mothers need them to be able to figure it out on their own.
You know, I don't think this is limited to pregnancy....I know some of the earliest disagreements in our marriage came when I expected or wanted Larry to figure out what I needed/wanted in a certain situation...be it emotional or picking his dirty underwear off the floor!! He told me early on that there wasn't much (if anything) he wouldn't do for me...but I had to ask. He couldn't read my mind, and his mind does not work like mine does in the least. Oh sometimes, I hate to have to ask. I want him to just know what to do or what I need. But the reality is...he doesn't. And true to his word, if I ask...he responds.
I am all for going to the movies if someone needs a buddy! I just need advanced notice to make sure I have someone to watch the girls. Maybe we can plan one in the near future for those of us that live in/around Memphis.Sounds like a moms MAMS night out is needed...follow me to the MAMS thread!!
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I think I need to find a movie pal - my husband is not a movie goer.
And I want to see this movie.My hubby doesnt like going to the movie either. I love them so much that I just started going by my self. I thought it was a little lonely at first, but now I really like it. Its kind of relaxing to go alone.
Also, I do plan to go see Juno....if I ever get time.
I think my volunteer movie pal has forgotten about me (or maybe she is too busy with 2 active little girls). So, I just may have to go see this movie by myself.
. Good thing is - "ME TIME"!You should have gone with Amanda this past weekend!!
I'll go see it again if you want a buddy!
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Okay, granted, I am not in and around these type of situations every day, but this is my perception.
I thought Paulie was an insecure fellow who was had feelings beyond friendship with his best friend Juno, but didn't really think she shared his feelings. It was her idea to have sex--more out of experimentation than "love", although no doubt he was a more than willing participant. But it wasn't like he was the one pressuring her.
When he found out she was pregnant, I don't think he had a clue what to do. I'm sure all he knew was he wasn't ready to be a daddy...and there's nothing wrong with that. People make adoption plans all the time for that reason. Juno, on the other hand, seemed very strong and secure...this is the way it is and this is what I'm going to do about it. I would bet this is also very common in relationships. A very strong, decisive woman and a man who just goes along. Besides...he's told "it's her body...it's her choice."
The only reason he asked the "soup smell" girl out was because Juno told him to. I almost cried in the scene where Juno goes off on him and he says something to the effect of I should be mad at you…you’re the one who broke MY heart. This made me think that sometime after they did the deed, he admitted he wanted a relationship beyond friendship, but she say uh-uh, no way.
I see your point Elizabeth about all the things Paulie didn’t do. I guess I just want to think that he would have done some or all of those things if Juno would have asked him to…if he knew she needed him to. Maybe I’m sexist…but I think sometimes men don’t step up to the plate because they don’t know they’re needed.
I know there are lots of birthfathers who disappear…I just didn’t get that impression of Paulie.
In my ideal “ending” of the movie, Vanessa realizes she cannot just walk away and forget about the first mom of her baby, and they develop a special relationship. Paulie also decides to meet Vanessa and the baby…and decides he wants to be a part of his son’s life as well (in his own insecure and awkward way!)
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(Interesting parallel, there; it's as if, for all the rapport he'd built with Juno, he had become the surrogate birthfather: yet another guy who walks out on Juno and her baby and expects her/them to both be okay with it?)
Did I miss something?? What other guy(s) walked out on Juno and her baby? Paulie? Her dad?
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Going to see this movie tonight with my sister...didn't read all the posts, but I'll be back later to discuss!!
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Tina,too bad your birthmother can't come for a vist and go to church with you one day!!! That would be a real wake up for many people there,to be able to see how open adoption is good and best for "all" involved.
Great idea! When Nichole visited us two years ago, she went to church with us! I think it made quite an impression on several people!
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Tina,
Sounds like it was a divine opportunity. I'm glad you said what you said...I think others need to hear it..and keep hearing it. Hopefully you can stay in your church and continue to educate others on the benefits of open adoption. I know it's probably not the role you would seek, especially when we go to church to find understanding and acceptance.
I have to add that we have had several issues with Lydia's birthmom (not legal) but I can never imagine wishing she would just go away and never see Lydia again. It's been very stressful, but we continue to work to build a relationship with her because it's the right thing to do. If this were our first adoption and we didn't already know the potential for a great relationship (like we have with Nichole although they are very different people), I might not try so hard. Also, if I didn't have the education of Abrazo and this forum, I might not know any better.
Lydia's birthmom lived over an hour away when we met, matched, and when Lydia was born. Within a month, she had moved less than 10 minutes away!! (I have to qualify this by saying I have often fantasized about Nichole living closer, next-door even, but then again, they are very different.) Lydia and I did run into her at Wal-mart once. I had been a little concerned with what she might do/say if that were ever to happen, but it went very well. I was glad to see her, and we've had another planned visit since then. We talk on the phone regularly. I would be glad to talk with this couple if you think it would help.
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Can you talk to the adoptive couple who is "freaking out" and find out what their concerns are and share your story/perspective?
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Sabrina,
That is awesome. Thank you for sharing. Faithfulness is one of the attributes of God I am most thankful for (along with His love, mercy, grace...there are so many.) When I share my life story, the faithfulness of God is what I see most clearly. He has never let me down. He always comes through...not always in ways I expect, but better. And He's there for me day in and day out...even when I am less than faithful to Him.
Again, thanks for sharing!
Susan
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Truly heartbreaking...
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And the older they get, the harder it gets. At least that's what I'm discovering. Joshua doesn't want a lot of stuff...just expensive stuff!! X-box 360, a real NFL jersey, etc. It doesn't help that my husband and I have different views on buying our kids gifts for Christmas. To me, less is more! But he loves to give (never mind that he wants an X-box 360 too!). I'm really trying hard to think what we can do to make this season more meaningful and to do for others. I'm thinking about being matched with a family who doesn't have much and giving gifts to them. I realize it needs to involve sacrifice for Joshua as well or it doesn't work.
I talk to Joshua about the major purchases we make and how we save our money for them. He just sees us buying what we want, but doesn't know/realize the times we don't buy what we want or we save to buy it later. I talk to him about kids who don't have nice homes, clothes, and toys. We've done to service projects together through our church. I have to say at this point he still doesn't get it. He thinks he's deprived, but I'm working on it. Mainly through example and conversation.
I sure welcome input from others.
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Congratulations Joe and Teena!! Going to check out those cheeks in the gallery now!!
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I've been waiting on this one!! Congratulations Dale, Amanda, and Arianna!! Can't wait to meet your newest angel.
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I have been out of the loop, but noticed your online profile had NEW PARENTS with it. I had to investigate and found this wonderful news! WOW!! Rejoicing with Thanksgiving for you and your new daughter.
January MAMS is going to be a full house!!! Can't wait to meet your sweet angel and all the other Texas babies that have come this way!
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(As should we all, in solidarity; please be sure to patronize one certain restaurant location on Winchester Road in Memphis, TN, often and lots; help feed the college fund!)
I'll be glad to do my part!!!
Congrats to the Canteys...can't wait to meet you all some day in Memphis! Continued prayers for you guys and your courageous birthfamilies.
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My mom used to say that a person needs at least 12 hugs a day!!
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Two adorable children in the gallery...
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I think I can see the bright lights of the beaming family all the way from San Antonio to Tennessee, and I know I hear a loud chorus of Hallelujahs too!! I'm so excited for this wonderful couple, their precious daughter, and her loving and courageous birthfamily!! I can't wait to meet this little one, but a picture in the gallery would tie me over for now!
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The little boy we couldn't get placed has been taken into state custody, unfortunately. Thanks for asking.
We so wanted for him to be accepted into one of the homes of our many parents-in-waiting, instead of getting stuck in the state foster care system.
I don't get it!! I know of at least one family who would have gladly taken him...
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Thanks for posting this John. My college roommate and best friend for more than 20 years called this morning to tell me her father died yesterday. He was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer almost a year ago. I know his earthly body was tired of the battle and that he is at peace in the presence of God. But my friend is hurting...she is very much a daddy's girl, and her daddy was a very special man. I have so many fond memories of him, and my heart is heavy with grief for his family who will surely feel the void he has left for the rest of their lives.
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I think the best way is by example. And encouraging them to say their "own" prayers. When Joshua was younger, he recited prayers also, but as he has gotten older, he says prayers from his heart. Sometimes they are short and sweet and sometimes they can be rather lengthy!
At bedtime, we would pray first and then Joshua would pray. We also asked questions like, what are you most thankful for today, who do we know who needs prayer, what do you need prayer for...and then we would encourage him to pray for those things. I think this is definitely an "age thing." But it is so precious when they really start to get it. I also try to point out when God has answered a prayer. We also pray other than just at bedtime and mealtime. If he gets in trouble, I encourage him to ask God to forgive him and help him to not do (fill in the blank). If we see a firetruck or ambulance drive by with their sirens on, we pray for the safety of the firefighters/paramedics as well as those they are going to help.
We prayed a lot for a baby brother or sister. One time I almost cried when Joshua said he was ready to "give up" because we had been praying for so long with no answer. I knew how he felt, but was able to respond that we must never give up in prayer...God is always able to give us what we need. Of course, when this prayer was answered, I made sure we talked about that!!
What an important subject, Elizabeth!! I would also love to hear what other parents do!
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I am putting up a praise tonight that we are home from the hospital with Joshua. We had to take him to the ER Tuesday night for an asthma attack. He has always responded to Albuterol before and has never been admitted. But this time was different. He had gone downhill fast, and had to be on oxygen until Friday morning. They weaned him off gradually and then kept him overnight just to make sure he did not relapse. He was discharged this morning, and we are glad he is back to his self and home! It was hard being away from Lydia to be with Joshua and hard to be away from Joshua to be with Lydia. Larry and I took turns, and we had great help from my mom and sister in taking care of Lydia.
I did not mention this earlier because we had not gotten in touch with Nichole, and I didn't want her to find out on the forum. We talked to her yesterday, and she was upset. But I assured her that he was "out of the woods" and doing great. She said she was ready to hop on a plane to come see for herself!! If all goes as planned, she can see for herself in three weeks!
My advice to anyone whose child has even just begun to have breathing problems is to try to talk with an asthma educator. Although Joshua was not diagnosed with asthma until about a year ago (they always hesitate to give that diagnosis), he has been on asthma maintenance meds since he was 15 mos. We would get bits and pieces of information from different doctors over the past 5 years, and we began to learn his triggers and what to do ourselves, but I wish we would have had someone help us with a comprehensive action plan early on. It's a scary thing, but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
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Oh pleeeeaaaase!
Elizabeth, I love the comment you left!
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From tragedy comes grace. Praise God!
AMEN!!! I love to see the way God works!! Thanks for sharing. Great news about your mom and John!!
Honoring Birth Siblings
in BirthGrandparents & Important Others
Posted
Well, that just shows what little they know...and how narrow their view of "family" is!! The most important thing is that WE (including the kiddos) know we're family!