varnavi
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Posts posted by varnavi
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A huge congratulations to the addition of the newest member to your family! How absolutely exciting and what a wonderful story!!!
Lisa V
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A big congrats to the new family! Boys are so much fun! Enjoy every moment!
A big hug for the birthfamily as well. Thank you for your courage and love for your son.
Lisa V
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A huge congratulations too all of the new parents! I am sure each of your stories are so wonderful. Now you can hopefully see why those paths were so bumpy or at least not care that they were! It is SSSOOOO worth it huh!?!?
Enjoy every moment. It is the best feeling to be a mom or a dad, and guess what? YOU ARE THERE!!!!!! Here is too all of the coohs, crying, hugs, dirty diapers, innocent peaceful sleepers, first smiles, little fingers and toes, and even the terrible twos and the teenage years!!
I am amazed at how many families have been created this week! Great job Abrazo!
A big prayer also for the incredible brave birthfamilies. None of this would be possible without you.
Lisa V
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Hey to everyone going to orientation for sure with a set date!
Southwest airlines has a special on for $49 or $79 one way!
Happy traveling!
Lisa
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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I have been looking here off and on all day to see if the second child of your dreams was born and in your arms yet! We are so excited for you!
Enjoy every moment!
A big hug and a kiss to the new baby, the new big sister, the parents, and the birthparents!
You will have to give us a call when things calm down. Oops! I forgot! You have two little ones under two! It will never calm down! Here is to never ending energy and never ending love!
Lisa V
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I wanted to post on something that has been on my mind for a long time. Is adoption truly a second choice?
I have to agree that when most of us think of growing our family it does not include adoption. It includes having a child. Many of us think of being pregnant, trying to get pregnant (practice, practice, practice), delivery, bringing our little one home, and loving and raising him or her or them.
When I hear of friends trying to start a family I hear so many different stories. How many times do you hear that they are pregnant right off the bat?
Some of our friends were told by their doctor it would take some time to get pregnant once off the pill so they decided to get off and hopefully they would get pregnant in 6 months. They were pregnant immediately. Was that their second choice? They did not want to be pregnant then, well not prepared would be a better choice of words. The plan was in 6 months.
Others wanted to get pregnant and it took so long. How many disappointments did they have? Was it 6 months or a year? Did that make their child their 6th choice or their 12th choice?
Others knew exactally when they were to ovulate, had one encounter, and WHAM! Are they the only ones that truly have a first choice child?
I could go on and on with examples.
For our family having a child to love and raise was what our ONLY choice was. Yes we had to take many steps, twists, and turns to get there, but they were not second best. Our choice was to have a child and our journey got us there!
I am sure many of you feel differently. I know many books say differently. This is just how our family feels.
Lisa
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Something else we did on this subject was get online and look at images of some of the problems. When we started we thought, sure we can handle that. When we looked at some of the problems we realized we were not ready for some of them.
You have to be honest with yourself. The worst thing is to not be honest and hurt a child in the process. There is nothing wrong with not being able to handle everything.
Good luck and have a great ride!
Lisa
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Lisa,
I can't imagine what it takes to get through placing a child and even more through a closed adoption. You are a very strong person.
To me I did not see the going to the games too odd nor taking pics. I guess if her birthson did not know who she was then she was just another spectator. If she was doing this all the time and taking pics all the time then that seems to cross the line. What was very weird to me (as well as creepy to you) was sending pics that she took with the jersey. WEIRD. I would freak out if anyone did that to me.
I am sure she was trying to let him know that she cares and wants to see him and just how much she wants to see him and be a part of his life.
I find myself often thinking of you and all of the other birthmothers (and birthfathers) out there. I pray that you have the strength to get through the bad times.
I am glad that you are on the forum and speak up as to how a birthmother feels as well as the many others that share their views and emotions. Thanks for your comments.
On a positive note about closed adoptions. I live in Alabama and they just changed the laws here and once you are 18 you can get into your closed files. It turns out that one of my ex-coworkers has a birthsister that was placed at birth. My ex-coworker decided to search for her and actually the child that was placed was searching as well. They found eachother and plan to meet. The birthmother is very excited, but did not make contact for fear that her birthdaughter did not want contact. It is a great story all around.
Lisa
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I want to say one more thing. We have an open relationship with ongoing contact. I completely trust our birthmother and would never even give it a first thought that she would stalk us. I would not even think that if the contact ended. That is because she knows she is ALWAYS welcome in our family. After all she IS one of the family.
I also never worried prior to meeting our birthmother or even starting the adoption process that we would have a birthfamily that would stalk us. I guess I went into it knowing deep in my heart that all would be ok. I hope that anyone out there that is questioning open adoption really sees how wonderful it is.
Lisa
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Well, I watched the show and I was not that impressed either. If they chose to show the birthmother that "stalked" her son's adoptive family then they should have at least shown what happens most other times. Dr. Phil really does not have a clue about open adoption because if he did then he would know that open adoption helps with the fear that many adoptive parents have about this as well as it makes it so that there would not even be a need or desire or slightest inkling to stalk. Basically it should have not been given air time.
As for the couple that adopted recently. I also wondered where the birthmother was and why they did not even mention her. I was hoping there would be a reunion. I was very much struck by the fact that there was no mention of her. I was NOT happy about that. Then after thinking about it I thought that maybe she (Amanda, the birthmother) just was not at a place where she could handle it and asked that nothing be said. Maybe even saying that she was too upset at the time to come to the show would make her feel bad. Maybe I am just dreaming, but who knows. One thing is for sure is that we Forumites are all thinking about her and how wonderful and strong she is.
And finally for the couple that adopted the little boy that did not bond. I have such a hard time believing anything they say. To have such strong feelings I would think they would not go away that quickly. My guess is that they had death threats or at least horrible letters sent to them and they were embarrased how utterly pathetic they were and in my opinion still are. (Not that I would condone that, but we live in a crazy society). On the one hand it is certain that not all families bond and they were good in that they addressed this. Why on earth did they not address this sooner -before the horrible remarks that can NEVER be taken back and why on TV? Work with a counselor or your social worker. Surely they were prepared by their social workers or reading or something. Even for our adoption everyone said to constantly hold Andrew and have someone set up in case you just loose it and need time away or be able to put him in the crib and walk away if you can't handle it. (Not leave the house or anything--just regain composure). Just things to be able to deal with issues that could arise. What happened to this couple and more importantly to this poor child.
Well, enough time on the soap box.
Lisa
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From a former Tennesseean to a current one!
Congratulations!!!! What an incredible feeling to be a parent?!?! Enjoy every moment!
From our personal experience very similar to yours I KNOW deep in my heart that your father, the proud new grandfather, is cheering for you and is able to see and experience this wonderful time in your lives even though he is not there with you physically.
Those dates are incredible and I know that you know for so many more reasons that this was meant to be. What a powerful thing!
Congratulations again!
Lisa V
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Hi all,
I wanted to tell everyone about what opportunities we have in our state and hopefully many of you have in yours.
We live in Alabama and there is a group called Alabama Post Adoption Connection (APAC). It is a support group, but it also provides many benefits. There are libraries at the sites and you can go to the site or just get online and request a book. It is free and there is a huge list of books sorted by topic to choose from. They will send you the book and you send it back when you are done. Some of our friends here just love it. I personally have not taken advantage of this yet. I am still reading some of the few books we have ordered for our personal use.
Everyone have a wonderful holiday season.
Lisa
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Linda,
Hi! Our little Andrew has a birthsibling. He is way too young to know anything yet, but we have already introduced him. This summer when we finalized we spent time with our birthfamily. We were very fortunate to be able to make pictures at the Picture People with Andrew, his birthbrother, and his birthcousin. I have them up on the wall and every time we walk by I say who they are. We also have a picture on the mantle of the night before Andrew was born. It has Jimmy, our birthmother, her other son, and me, (and of course Andrew in-utero!) I just love this picture! I point this out as well.
What I am getting at is that I will not decide when he does need to know. He will just always know. I remember reading so much about waiting until the proper time to tell your child that he/she was adopted and it being too late. For us we want Andrew to grow up knowing he was adopted and that he has a wonderful birthfamily. My hope is that if we at least have that addressed we can move on to the other questions.
I know everyone has different situations. Good luck in whatever you decide!
Lisa V
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Oh my gosh. I absolutely love that idea.
This gift thing gets way out of hand. Everyone wants to give which I can understand, but Andrew has so much and I am sure that every one of the formumite's children are in the same boat. There are so many children that need so much.
I just really like that idea. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa
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Ann,
Hi! Congratulations on your placement! How wonderful for you and your husband!
Well, for us I had decided to originally stop working. Then as placement neared our company which was only 6 employees was in the process of possibly being bought out. I decided to consider going back part time at 6 months and full time at a year. If we were bought out then there would most likely never be money issues again and we could adopt easily again ASAP. Well, 6 months came and went and I did not want to go back. Now the 1 year mark is nearing and I still don't want to go back. There are some real great things going on at my ex-company and I have to say I am very jealous, but I just want to be there for every first for Andrew's and every second and so on.
We have some real great friends that had their daughter 4 1/2 months after Andrew was born. She decided to go back to work, but do flex time with 32 hours and the ability to work at home if needed. Their very pricey top of the line daycare is less than 3 minutes from her work so she can go and see her daughter every lunch. I know she has issues with not staying at home. I also know I have issues with not going back to work. I think any choice you make will have issues with it.
I feel guillty for not being able to contribute to our family. My husband says I do so much by being there for Andrew. I know I do, but it is not the same. I also miss the mental stimulation. Lately we have been listening to a Dora cd and all that runs through my mind is "back pack back pack" instead of how to make my experiments work.
I do know that once Andrew is in kindergarten I will go back to work. I have seen too many mothers stay at home until the kids are in high school or college and have such a hard time getting back into the market. I also don't see what I could do during the entire day with him not here.
I guess what I am saying is that there are negatives to both and positives to both. I love being at home 99% of the time. The other 1% I would give anything to be out of here.
Good luck with your decision.
Lisa V
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Hi Dreamer!
If I were you I would speak up as well. We have a 5 month old (as of tomorrow!
and we have had issues with our parents. They are all so excited over the adoption and just love Andrew to death. They don't make a distinction between biological and adopted which is great, but also the problem. My parents (mainly my dad ) are still having some issues with our openness. It has always been very difficult communicating with my parents so I have skirted around the issues for several months and have given them books to read on adoption in hopes that they would deal with it on their own. Any time I would bring adoption up they would just get mad that I was trying to "tell them how it was". After doing more reading as Andrew has gotten a little older I have decided that they are just dealing with their own fears of having me hurt and of not completely accepting our infertility.It blew up two weeks ago. Without going into detail let me say it got ugly. Basically I stood up and explained that Andrew will be able to associate words and actions with meanings soon and they must deal with their issues. After much discussion everything was fine. I explained to them that how concerned they are over me being hurt is how I feel about MY son and that I was not going to let it happen. I think that hit home to my father. It turns out that my mother is ok with things. She has done some research and has learned that our BP can't just walk into our house at any time and take away Andrew. My hope is that as time goes on she will learn that our BP does not want to walk into our house and take Andrew away.
My mother-in-law is a little different. She always is concerned over saying the wrong thing, but does not know when it is wrong at times. She came to visit a few weeks ago as well. I ended up setting out our adoption magazines for her to read. It was a very good thing. In one of the issues they had good and bad adoption language. She was very happy to see that and suggested that Jimmy and I make a list of the proper and improper things to say so that the family can learn what is appropriate. In the same conversation she was saying that Andrew is such a lucky boy. That drives me up the wall when people say that. I kept saying that it is Jimmy and I who are lucky, but she did not get the hint. I do believe that will be one of the no no's on the list .
We have given everyone in our immediate family a copy of Dear Birthmother. My mother-in-law says she can't read it because she starts crying immediately. That is what is involved in adoption though. She has lost her husband within the past year so I do not press the issue. What I have decided to do is give both of our parents a subscription to Adoptive Families. That way they can see little bits and pieces here and there and finally get the whole picture. I guess that is better than nothing. In the mean time I have learned to stand up to my family because who I am standing up for is my son. He is what it is all about. I know that I will not be able to protect him from everything, but you better believe I will protect him when I can!
I have rambled on long enough. I hope this helps out in some way. Good luck with the family!
Lisa V
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Lori,
I just wanted to say hi and let you know you are not alone. Abrazo is a great resource to help you find out what is the best for both you and your baby. I know they were/are a great support for our birthmother. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Lisa
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Hi Robyn!
Congratulations on deciding on Abrazo! We adopted in October and it went so fast so get ready!
Some of my suggestions are:
1. Get all financial paperwork ready. (house, bills, savings, cars, insurance)
2. Start interviewing pediatricians. We did not have a chance to do this. It went so quickly.
3. Read, read, read. There is so much to learn. We did quite a bit of reading before hand, but in hindsight we still feel like we know so little.
4. Get the nursery ready. You will need the furniture and it can take some time to come in depending on what you get. You don't have to decorate if it makes you feel odd, but it WILL happen so the more prepared you are the better.
5. Talk to your family about the process so they can understand things. A good book for them is Dear Birthmother. It does cover most things, but it does not smack you in the face with the reality. I guess it just smoothly introduces you to the process and the myths.
6. Start baby proofing the house. When he/she comes, which can be very fast, you will not have the time to really work on it. You will have many months once he/she gets here, but honestly you would rather be playing with your little one than moving glasses, cleaners, and putting safety locks on things.
7. Take time to be a couple. Being a parent is the most incredibly wonderful thing I have ever experienced. Having an addition to the family is however very different from just the two of you. We would even just take walks and wonder if this would be the last one. It is amazing what you remember from those times.
8. Pick out who will do reference letters for you. In our experience we had to have ones for both Abrazo and our home study. There were different requirements for each such as being a couple or knowing us for a certain period of time so have your options open.
9. Don't be afraid of getting a few cute baby clothes. They will be put to use some time over the next 6mo to a year!
10. Subscribe to an adoption magazine or two. They cover topics thay you may not have thought of or if you have how to deal with them.
11. Get appointments for complete physicals. Abrazo was ok with just a normal physical, but our home study wanted a gyn as well. It was quite amazing to me because we had just finished having every test and procedure done. They wanted it to be within a year for placement.
12. Sign up for parenting classes and infant CPR classes.
13. Think about your autobiographies for your homestudy.
Well, I have rambled on long enough. Every time I reread this I think of something else so I am not going to proof this edit. If you have any questions just feel free to ask. We all have been where you are and you will soon be where we are! I know it is very hard to do, but just sit back and enjoy the ride as much as possible.
Lisa V
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Congratulations "againers" from Los Missionarios! How exciting to be able to go through this a second time! I can only imagine that the wait was horrible, but YOUR little girl was not hear yet!
Enjoy every moment! A big hug for the birthfamily as well!
Lisa V
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Lois & Frank,
Hi and welcome to the forum! I think it is so great that you are interested. My husband and I just took placement of our little Andrew in October after years of infertility and much heartache. We went directly into adoption after infertility which we preplanned in case the fertility failed so it was not a way to forget the pain. It was a way for us to have a family! When we went through the fertility we shut ourselves off from everyone in the end. We called, said the tests were negative, and we did not want to talk to anyone. Everyone was so scared to even call for over a week and we talk to our family all the time.
When the adoption stuff started everyone was apprehensive about talking to us. My mother would just ask if there was any news. I guess that was her way of asking enough without getting me too worked up (which she would have not done). I loved to talk about it! My mother-in-law was so cute. She asked if it was ok for her to talk to one of her student's parents that have adopted all 4 of her children. I told her of course!! I let her look at some of my books (The Open Adoption Experience), but she had just lost her husband within the past 2 months so that book was a little hard for her to take. I ended up telling her about adoption stories on Discovery Health and she loved watching them. She got to see the happy stories and a touch of the emotions. It was a good introduction for her.
I think you could bring up the subject with your children in so many ways! Mention you are interested in learning about open adoption, are interested in their progress, or even not say anything and send them a subscription to an adoption magazine. They will know it is from you and that could start up the conversation if they want to talk about it.
I do understand the not talking. I loved to run my mouth all the time, but my husband Jimmy was a little more closed mouthed. He only talked to select people and not too often. I think one of the things that got him to open a little in the short time we had to wait was that he was telling his boss that he would have to be out of town some time in the future (near or far) and why. It turns out that his boss was adopted and they talked about it. That to me was one of the neatest things about going through this process was just how many people's lives adoption has touched!
Well, good luck! I am sorry for the rambling. Hopefully your family will want to talk about it, but if not then you can learn on your own; pray for them, the birthparents, and the baby; and wait for the great news because it will happen!
I will keep your daughter and son-in-law in my prayers!
Lisa V
(Andrew's Mommy)
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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I kept looking on the forum all day to hopefully hear the good news! I am so excited and happy for you all! I hope you had your sleep in earlier!!!! I can't wait to hear the story of how everything happened!!!
A big thanks and a hug for the birthfamily! Out of so much pain comes such wonderful things! I know you have made a couple that could not have a child on thier own so happy!
Ok, so our group is complete --- or until we do it again!!!!!
Lisa V
(Andrew's Mom)
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Hi Lisa!
This is Lisa, mommy of Andrew! We had the same problem, however my husband refused to take $$ from his parents when it was offered. I understand that and I respect it as well. To solve our delima we saved every penny, paid minimums on the credit cards, and stopped going out as much and when we did, we chose to go to places where it would run $20 for dinner as opposed to $40 and up. By the time we were in the position to take placement we were able to cover over 1/2 of the fees. What we did for the remainder was take out a home equity line of credit. The rates for other loans were 7 and up, but this was at 4% and the interest is tax deductible. The other thing to keep in mind is that when you do take placement and then file your taxes you will get 10K back from federal and some states give back as well, but I am not sure which and how much. I know ours (Alabama) does, but again no idea how much. A different route of financial assistance is your employer. There is a list of companies that donate significant funds towards adoption. Maybe yours or your husbands do this! Here is a site that contains a list of companies participating in adoption assistance in one form or another:
http://www.adoptionfriendlyworkplace.org/employers.asp.
Good luck with everything and have fun! It can and will be stressful, but the end result is incredible!!
Lisa V
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Laura,
Hello! Welcome to the forum!
The price does seem rediculous. We decided to take out a home equity line of credit. The rates are so low and the interest is tax deductable. We looked into other loans, but they were 7 and up which is just rediculous. Another way many people do it is to look to their family. Our families wanted to help out and even cover the entire cost. We had issues with taking money from our families when we were "dincs" for 10 years. We had money in savings for retirement, but did not want to touch that and we had just dropped tons of $$ for fertility so things were not so buffered. One other route is to see if your employer helps out. There is a web site of many companies that do and some even pay up to 10K! I wish I worked for them!!!
I have not dealt with the tax deduction yet because we just got little Andrew in October, but I have friends that have and it is 10K. Some states also give deductions. Our state does, but I am not sure how much yet. I will see soon! Just keep all of your receipts is what I have read.
The one thing that is for sure is that once you have your little one in your arms you just forget about the $$. It is so worth it. I love it, I love being a Mom, and I ssssoooo love little Andrew!
Good luck !
Lisa V
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A big congratulations to the newest member of the Croptoberfest Crew to become parents!!! Fast huh!!??!!
Enjoy every moment and GET YOUR SLEEP when he sleeps!!
Everyone else hang in there and enjoy your time without a little one. It is great to have them, but definitely different. I love it and so will you!!! I can't stand to even put him down. I don't want to miss a facial expression.
Well, I need to get back to him. Coohs await!
Lisa V
Baby Announcements 2006
in New Arrivals
Posted
Oh my gosh Tony and Linda! Andrew is so cute and I have to say I LOVE the name!!! Congrats!!!
I am so happy for you. You have put your heart out here for everyone to read and it is so wonderful to read the end of one part of your life and the beginning of your new one!!
Enjoy every moment!
Lisa V