linlacor
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Posts posted by linlacor
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Hi Lauren,
I also would encourage you to give them a call and speak to someone there - they could answer your questions in a flash. Their number is 1-210-342-5683
Welcome to the forum and best of luck to you on your move to the US.
Lisa
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Congratulations to the newest parents of 2005! What a heart-warming story. Our Kayleigh was born the same day my paternal grand-mother passed away, just 18 minutes after she left this earth. There is something very special and very significant about that sort of thing - as if God himself is with you right at that moment in time, just reminding you how much He cares and loves you.
Best wishes to you and your new family and to those incredibly special birthparents.
-Lisa
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I'm already talking about grand-children - I can't wait for Kayleigh to be old enough to have children, and I hope and pray she wants lots of them!- I want lots and lots and lots and the closer we live, the better! It will be a magical moment for me to see Kayleigh as a mom, whether it's through adoption or biological or whatever! (Granted, I'm assuming Kayleigh will even want to have children, let's hope so!) I think it's something most parents do look forward to.....To see her feel the love for her child that I feel for her - just becoming a mom myself has helped me so much to see and understand better my mom and how she feels about me - the love you feel for a child is truly overwhelming and until you have one, it's just so hard to describe.
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Well, once I got past the language used by the writer of the article (ugh! what an idot! sorry but they even quote Adam Pertman as saying something about a birthmother "placing" her child for adoption and then it seems like every other word you read in there is about the birthmother "giving up" her baby...hello - did they not clue in to what is and isn't appropriate to say? that article was full of language that bugged me)...
Anyway - the overall content of the article was very interesting and seemed to me to be saying basically everything you guys (at Abrazo) have been saying since we started working with y'all 2 1/2 yrs ago. Thanks for the link.
-Lisa
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Hi Rosalie!
First of all - your girls are GORGEOUS! I love the photo of them on your avatar.
I wanted to welcome you to the group and I'm so glad you took the plunge! You'll enjoy the connection you make with those on here - most of us were super nervous (I think I can speak for most) during those first few posts...
Welcome again!
Lisa
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This February will mark 16 years since I placed my daughter for adoption. I don't think my priorities have changed at all for what I wanted her parents to be and her family to be like. Most of all, I wanted her to be loved more than they could ever imagine loving anyone (still want that for her!), I also wanted her parents to have a happy, supportive, loving, secure marriage (still want that). I wanted her parents to be Christians (still want that - nothing against other religions but I guess since that's the faith I grew up in, it just seemed more appropriate to me that she be raised in that faith as well...but it wouldn't be the end of the world to me if she was raised in a different faith or chose a different faith at some point in her life). I also wanted her parents to place a high priority on education - still want that as well. Ooh, just thought of one priority that's changed - I would like for her parents to be supportive of a relationship between her and me (her birthmother/birthfamily) - at the time, I didn't even know it was okay to have a priority like that but now I know better and without a doubt, that one ranks pretty high with me.
Mostly - I just want her to be happy, loved, well-cared for, and secure - as long as she has those things - I can probably learn to live with anything else.
-Lisa
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A site with a fairly extensive list of resources for help with defraying or covering adoption costs
Stephen & Barbara Burke's Website listing funding resources for an adoption
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My thoughts.....
I think if someone is so very much wanting to be a parent that they'll go to the ends of the earth to make it happen (whether it be through adoption, fertility treatments, or just the "old fashioned" way)...more power to them. Having a parent(s) who love you very much and raise you in a supportive, loving environment is a wonderful thing - the more children who get this...the better!
Will it create its own set of challenges? Probably....but what doesn't? Every family has some situation or another that presents some challenges. I'd have to say that living a 4 hour plane ride from my family members has presented quite a challenge for us (not to mention the 10 hour flight we live from Lance's mom and brother). I'd always imagined my child growing up near family, spending lots and lots of time with aunts, cousins, & grand-parents....so - whatever the challenge is...I think we just overcome it and make the best of it. But...I bet those twins will receive more attention and love than they know what to do with. I feel like I had years of bottled up love for a child that is probably overwhelming for Kayleigh at times but that was just 4 years of wanting to be a mom - at 56 yrs old - I bet this lady has been longing for this moment for a very, very long time!
-Lisa
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I was so upset after our first unsuccessful IVF - I was ready to adopt then...but my husband wasn't. He wanted to try IVF one more time. I agreed, we did about a year later and it too was unsuccessful. I was even more ready at that point to adopt - I just started getting the ball rolling and had all the information ready, etc for my husband to look at when he was ready. We had a follow-up appointment with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) (which our other RE/practice hadn't done) and she gave us the closure we needed to shut that door to infertility. She told us that I just wasn't a good responder and it was unlikely IVF would ever work for us. I don't think I really needed to hear that in order to let that go (like Linda said, to me, infertility treatments always seemed so uncertain and I was so ready to be a mom - I wanted a sure thing - adoption was a sure thing to me, bumps, curves, & all - the ultimate end result is always a known). However, that closure helped my husband shut that door as well. Within a month, we'd submitted our initial inquiry and here we are, 2 years later - thankful every day that we have the daughter we have.
-Lisa
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Just want to clarify one of my points - when someone uses the term "horror" stories - I think that's pretty harsh language and not something to do with Abrazo's people skills. I guess what bugs me is how people are so quick to say something negative but not too interested in sharing exactly what it was that was bad and how they & Abrazo worked to resolve it (or didn't resolve it). There just seem to be so much secrecy behind these negative posts and unpleasant experiences. I agree, if someone encountered something they weren't expecting along the way, by all means - share it with others - and I agree, Tears, Fears, & Keeping the Faith are good places for that.
I guess I'm just so skeptical these days of who is posting something negative that I always suspect it's Adoptive Dad posting under one of his many assumed names (especially when the people who post keep their email addresses private and don't provide any info under the bio - again, the secrets).
All I know is I have been so active on this forum for a little over 2 years - I've gained a great deal from it and hopefully have helped others. But I find it to be a not-so-happy place these days and I just want it to get back to what it was before all the complaints and cryptic posts. I'm just tired of all the secrets and such, trying to read between the lines and figure out what someone is talking about. It's ridiculous!
-Lisa
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Actually, a major caution flag for me would be ANY adoption agency who doesn't offer a forum such as this where people who have adopted (and haven't adopted) can come and share stories, support, guidance, etc. I'm not aware of many, if any, agencies who have anything like this where people can come and post negative comments about the agency on an agency supported forum.
I'm also curious as to why someone who has chosen to adopt through another agency is compelled to come back to Abrazo's forum anyway, why wouldn't you simply log on to the agency you're working with's forum and discuss things with other parents there?
As for horror stories - there are 2 sides to every story - So, I guess I would just say that if someone has a horror story - they would have one regardless of where they adopted from - some people start this process with a grudge to grind and will find fault with anyone.
It's really getting annoying that this forum is becoming a free-for-all for people to come on and post negative things - there are so many families who love this agency and what they do and how they do things. If people have an axe to grind - I wish they'd do it elsewhere - when I was looking into agencies - I didn't log on the forum to dig up dirt on the agency - I was logging on to get information about how they do things and to hear people's adoption stories. If I wanted to hear bad stories, I certainly wouldn't have come here to do that - I would have found some other adoption forum not supported by the agency.
Lisa
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We are so happy for y'all too! I'm sure she was very, very, very worth the wait! Perfect and precious in every way!
Congratulations!!
Love,
The Cornishs
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I agree one-hundred percent - he has absolutely nothing of value to offer and I hope he's gone for good!
-Lisa
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There was a great post initiated by q2bt here recently under this category (post title was Questions???) as well as some really interesting responses (and hopefully helpful as well).
One response in particular prompted me to post this topic regarding expectations and how someone's expectations of Abrazo and expectations of what they should do and how that can determine how someone views their experience with Abrazo (hopefully that makes sense - I've got Jo Jo's Circus going on in the background making it hard for me to concentrate).
Anyway, I completely agree with that comment. I think it's important to determine early on - when making a decision to work with an agency what your expectations are from that agency and to decide whether or not you feel the agency is able to meet those expectations and if not, perhaps gathering information from other agencies & considering them would be a prudent thing to do. You will also learn during that process (provided the agencies are honest with you) whether or not your expectations are realistic.
I can honestly say I had the most wonderful experience with Abrazo - I can not think of a single thing that happened during our adoption journey (from 8/02 - 12/02 and the present) that left a bad taste in my mouth or anything I would like to have seen handled differently. I found out about Abrazo through a friend of my mom's daughter - she and her husband had adopted from Abrazo a few years before me and had a good experience with them and had offered to speak to me to share her experience, etc. We talked for quite awhile on the phone and she was very forthcoming about her experience - telling me pretty much everything from the beginning to end. I remember one thing she said that really stuck with me - she said "There will be days when you'll love Elizabeth and days when you'll be extremely frustrated & upset with her". I asked her to elaborate on that and she explained what it was Elizabeth had done to upset her so much that she would say something like that to me. Her child wasn't a BOG but pretty close (I think she matched a week before the baby was born) and it had something to do with them getting the call and she (the Adoptive Mom) not dropping everything to get to the hospital to be with the birthmother while she was in labor (because the birthmother had really wanted her there). See, to me - I can totally see where Elizabeth is coming from on that because my expectation would also be such that an adoptive parent should pretty much drop everything at that point in time and their only priority is their child and his/her birthmother. So - it actually made Abrazo even MORE appealing to me when she told me that (of course, I'm also a birthmother so maybe that's why I liked that so much - it spoke volumes to me about Elizabeth's integrity).
Anyway - so, I can say that I've worked with Abrazo and I can't rave enough about them - I don't have a single thing I would complain about or feel a little negative about. How could my experience with them be related to my expectations of them? I've been thinking about this and I feel the relationship betwen my experience & my expectations is quite strong. My expectations of the agency we worked with were simple -
First & foremost - Integrity, I only wanted to work with an agency that I felt I could trust - completely, wholeheartedly trust.
Second - Not a long time waiting. Sounds awful I'm sure but that was true - I'm not a very patient person and also, I was way beyond my threshold for waiting to be a mom - too much time spent wanting to be a mother so I was soooo ready - I didn't want to wait 2 or 3 years - the sooner the better. I did have an expectation for Abrazo to help us become parents within a year.
Third - Fees/Cost of the adoption to be reasonable (I had done quite a bit of research on fee structures and adoption costs and I wanted the agency we worked with to be in the ball-park of what most adoptions run. Not because it was about the money, but because I didn't want to feel as though I was getting taken advantage of just because I was in a situation where I could be taken advantage of (that being that I desperately wanted a child but had limited options on ways that could happen)
Other than that, anything else I considered to be "gravy" - which I guess is why I just sing Abrazo's praises so much because they so far and above exceeded my expectations of what an agency should do/offer an adoptive parent (and birthparent).
I'm not saying that my expectations were right or someone else's are wrong - it's totally a personal decision - I'm just saying I think it's really important to recognize what your expectations are and also realize that everyone's expectations are different which can result in very different types of feedback.
Abrazo met & exceeded my expectations - I have a beautiful, 25 lb, 23 month old living proof of that.
-Lisa
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My vote was for the reputation of the agency - however, I wanted to also respond because I wish there was a way we could give these things a rating rather than picking just one thing.
So, given what I know now - here's how I would rate the things I find most important:
1 - Reputation of agency (always has been top of my list - even when we started)
2 - Placement Style (Open/Closed)
3 - Average Wait Time for Placement
4 - Estimated Adoption Fees/Costs
5 - Availability of infants
I'm sure there are things that should probably rank higher than what I feel but if I'm honest, these are the things that I would choose as my top 5.
-Lisa
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Hi Stork Central,
My apologies if this has been covered elsewhere....just wondering if there are any thoughts yet on when Orientation weekends will be held for 2005? Even just an idea of which months y'all are looking at would be mucho helpful!!
Thanks!
Lisa
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Hi Ann,
I don't know that I can exactly relate to your situation because we had made a decision for me to stay home rather than work before we took placement of Kayleigh. However, prior to "everything" (i.e. ivf, adoption) - I had every intention of juggling both career and motherhood. I worked so very hard for my degree (going to college and finishing was even partially why I placed my daughter for adoption if that gives you any idea of how determined I was) and couldn't wait to build a career (my degree is in Economics) and climb as far as I could to wherever that may be. I remember reading articles upon articles in magazines profiling women who were managing both quite well and I knew that could be me and I wanted that to be me. I remember an article in Fortune magazine profiling the then CEO of Mattel (I think) and she had children and had worked her way up (that was my goal someday to run a company). Anyway, I did everything I could to learn as much as possible at work, to take on as much as I could - I worked insane hours, weekends (fortunately, my husband is a bit of a work-a-holic so our marriage actually thrived with our schedules being as they were). At some point, (after our 1st failed IVF but before our 2nd) - I decided I wanted to put the baby thing on hold for oh...10 or so years and took my LSAT (law school entrance exam) so I could start law school. About the time I was going to start sending out my applications - we were transferred to Washington. Once we moved, something just kept urging me to get back to what I really wanted which was to be a mom (and I also had doubts about being able to get into University of Washington's law school - they're ranked in the top 25% - I did well on my LSAT and graduated viscous substance laude but didn't feel confident I'd get in and I didn't like the other choices I had around here). Anyway - we did IVF again - it failed and then we started the process to adopt. Still feeling as though I'd continue working when that day came that we brought our baby home. At some point, probably when we began filling out the paperwork, I did some soul searching and realized there was really NO WAY I could go to work if it meant me being away from my baby/child. It just physically wasn't possible. I know it works for some people and some people have to work if they're the sole income but for me, it just wasn't an option. I don't know how I shifted priorities so soon but I did and for me, it was the BEST decision I ever made. I have no regrets whatsoever about staying home with Kayleigh and I do sometimes miss "the game" but I guess I've found other outlets now to excel at and work toward. I'm really involved in this preschool thing Kayleigh & I do together - I'm one of the Board of Directors on it and that gives me a feeling of accomplishment because there are many days when it feels like I literally have nothing to show for the day (but I don't have the type of husband who comes home and looks around and says "what have you done all day?") I've certainly not turned into a domestic diva - I HATE cooking - I never cook - we very very rarely have a meal at the table together - usually I feed Kayleigh and it's a free for all between Lance and me and we usually don't even eat dinner at the same time. I HATE cleaning and rarely if ever clean my house (I have a housecleaner so it does actually get cleaned on a regular basis - just not by me), I am not crafty .....anyway, I guess what I imagined a stay-home mom to be and what I'm actually like are so very different but this works for us and I couldn't be happier (well, unless we had another little one running around here but that's another topic!!)
Lisa
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Speaking of homestudy uupdates.....
I'm curious as to whether or not any of you who did homestudy updates did them from someone other than the person who did your original homestudy (or through a different agency) and if so, did they still let you just do an update or did they require you to do a completely new homestudy? (They as in the person you contact to do the homestudy, not Abrazo)
We live out of state and were really happy with the person who did our homestudy (I think it cost a little over $1,000 including the post placement visits) but she isn't affiliated with an adoption agency and also, she lives about an hour from where we do. I was thinking of looking for someone closer to home (now that I know more) but didn't know if it was unreasonable to expect someone who does the update to just do an update, even if they weren't the person who did the original homestudy.
Another reason I ask this is that if we move somewhere else (which is always a possibility given Lance's job), we would definitely use someone else to do our homestudy update (and in a different state even) so just trying to find out if anyone else has done that before (i.e. use someone else for their update)?
Thanks!
(Melissa - sounds like you have baby fever too? Gosh - I sure do! I am so ready for our 2nd it's not even funny! I can't even look at other babies any more without just totally staring at them and oohing and awing at how precious they are. I'm just trying to wait a bit until things get more stable in our family (given my sister's breast cancer diagnosis & treatment) and then I hope we'll be back in SA again soon to get the ball rolling again. I used to think of Kayleigh as always being the baby in the familiy but now that she's getting older - I can totally see her as a big sister - (she's become quite bossy lately so she'll do great in that role
(no offense to you big sisters/brothers) - keep me posted on how things go with you!!) -
Hi Brenda, Mike, & Gabe!
Welcome to the Forum and Abrazo.
My husband & I attended Abrazo's 8/02 Orientation and our daughter Kayleigh was born 12/5/02 (hard to believe it's already been nearly 2 years since she was born!)
One of the couples from our Orientation are also from Michigan - their daughter was born shortly after Kayleigh was born (they are now the proud parents of another daughter! I can't remember when they attended their 2nd Orientation but seems like the 2 little girls are about a year apart (and adorable - we got to see them again at Camp Abrazo in July and introduce our daughters to each other).
It's really hard to describe Orientation - you really develop such a bond with the other couples in Orientation - I think everyone would agree with that - you all have your own personal stories of what brought you to where you are today and it's just such a special feeling to know that those 6 or 8 or 9 other couples in there actually know somewhat what that journey has been like - our Orientation group bonded quite a bit - some of us more than others but overall, I felt so close to everyone when we left and wished so much that we were neighbors or something so we could get together more often. We don't keep in touch quite as much as we all thought we would but that bond is still there and it's always so exciting to get letters, cards, emails, updates etc from our friends from Orientation (another couple from our 8/02 Orientation has already gone to another Orientation and are just waiting on their 2nd child as well). So...that's one aspect of it - just bonding and becoming quite close to these people you're spending pretty much 2 full days with in a room together.
Someone else mentioned either here or elsewhere that another aspect of Orientation is the bonding you do with the Abrazo staff (which I think consists of 4 people now - maybe 5). You will be in so much contact with them once you leave Orientation - Angela handles everything related to Adoptive Parents so you'll be talking to her quite a bit (she's likely going to be the person who calls you when there's a birthmother who has seen your profile and would like you to call her), Pamela is the person who handles all things related to birthparents so you may not have quite as much contact with her but she will be the primary contact for this person who is about to become a very important part of your life so in an indirect way, you'll feel a connection to her - I'm not sure who is handling the financial side of things (your escrow account, statements, etc) - when I was there, it was Kelly but she's now married and focusing on important things like that so she's no longer working but good grief - she was probably one of the people I was in contact with the most - especially after Kayleigh was born. Anyway - if you didn't get that chance to know them so well (like you do at Orientation) and for them to get to know you (so you're not just a name to them when you're talking and communicating back and forth - I don't know - to me, that would just seem so weird - you develop a relationship with them and it becomes much more personalized this way. And you learn so much about how they do things and they share with you past experiences they've had - you have time to ask lots of questions (so come prepared if you've got a lot of stuff you're wondering about because this is probably the best time to get your questions answered).
It's just so hard to describe how much of a positive impact Orientation has on your adoption experience with Abrazo - I think many people, (myself included) were kind of thinking - "oh my gosh, just one more hoop to go through ,huh?" but it's totally, totally not like that - you walk away from there (or at least myself and my husband did) thinking what a genuis idea it was of the person who started these things (which I think it was Elizabeth's idea - she's the Exec Director of the agency and truly is the most amazing person I've ever met in my life!) and it actually is done to benefit you and ultimately, the baby/child you bring home.
I searched the forum for some other topics that talked about Orientations and am going to put the links for them here - you may have already seen these but just in case...here they are (by the way, my husband and I live in Seattle, WA so we're not in Texas either). Best wishes to y'all and I hope you'll soon be saying that famous Abrazo mantra (that gets drilled into your head at Orientation - "It's not If, But When!")
Orientation Topic #2 (Which/When Orientation Were you in?)
And just for fun, here are Paco & Millie's posts about their daughters (they're the couple from our Orientation who are also from Michigan)
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Today I received an email from a guy I hired to work for me about 4 years ago. When I hired him, there was just something about him that I knew he was an exceptional person and without hesitation - my boss and I offered him a position that he was actually overqualified for but he accepted. He's since moved on to another company and shortly after hiring him, we moved to Seattle. We've kept in touch very intermittenly - about a year 1/2 ago, he asked if he could use me as a reference and he also told me he and his new wife were trying to have a baby. I then received an email from him after they had their beautiful baby girl and hadn't heard from him since. I guess I've always believed that there is a reason for everything - including the people God puts in your life...even if the reason is just a small one.
Today, I received an email from Jerry (the guy I hired) with a photo of his 6 month baby girl (who is so gorgeous!) and at the end of his mail, there is a quote although it doesn't reference who it is from so hopefully I'm not violating any plagerism laws here but I wanted to share it here. It couldn't have come at a better time as I am struggling so much right now with such an overwhelming desire to make our family a family of 4 and not 3 - but at this time, my husband just hasn't fully embraced that so we will wait and I'm just finding the waiting to be just as hard this time around as it was the first time around (although at that time, the circumstances creating the waiting were different - waiting because we needed to go through the infertility treatments before we could see that the way we were really supposed to create our family was through adoption...waiting because we had to do a lot of paperwork before we were accepted into Abrazo's adoption program...waiting because we needed our homestudy to be complete before we could even adopt our child, waiting for those birthmothers to find Abrazo and us, and then the hardest wait - waiting for Kayleigh's birthmother to decide for sure that the best thing for her and her child at that time in her life was to place her for adoption through Abrazo and into the arms of 2 people who feel so much love for their child that it is indescribable. I feel so ready to be a mom again - I feel we are so ready to be parents again - I know now that parenting a second child will not take anything away from our precious Kayleigh but will give her more than any material things ever could - and that the love between the 4 of us will be so much greater than any of us could ever imagine. I value my sisters so much and I often tell my mom how thankful I am to have them - I want Kayleigh to experience the bond between siblings and all that it entails - I just want this so much. But...Lance needs time to realize what I have finally come to see and I just need to be patient while he gets everything together and has the desire in his heart as I do.
Anyway, all that just to share this one sentence...but to me, this just came at a good time and maybe for someone else, it will as well.
Patience is the bridge that gets you from the will of God to the promise of God.
-Lisa
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It's good to know your overall experience with a private adoption was a positive one...I guess the major con I see with it though is the lack of the middleman - you were fortunate to have all those other people on your side....I placed through an agency and I didn't even have that...but I still feel I made the right decision placing through an agency. I guess to me, it just felt like there was an extra set of checks and balances on whether or not this was a good couple or not...whereas I felt a private adoption wouldn't offer that (in your case, you actually knew the people personally - prior to placing your daughter for adoption - have you ever wondered how the dynamics would have changed had these people been complete strangers? which is typically the case in a birthmother/adoptive parents situation...I think...?
Anyway, it's always good to get different perspectives - I still feel strongly that an agency adoption is a better way to go but I agree wholeheartedly that just because it's an agency, doesn't make it a good place...even if it's been around for 100 years or more...that's why I really liked this checklist I ran across. There are so many resources available now to expectant mothers who are trying to make a decision - I had no idea I could even ask questions of the agency back when I placed - I just felt like I was so shameful for getting pregnant in the first place that I just needed to obey whatever they said and did...not question anything.
To answer your question though - what regrets do I have concerning my adoption...oh boy, how much time ya got? If only I knew then what I know now.....To name a few....
1. I wish I would have known I could name her and had a name on her original birth certificate and I wish I would have named her. It really, really, really bothers me that she is listed on her birth certificate as Baby Girl Davidson (I guess that's what it says). I guess this really came in to focus for me when I thought of my Kayleigh's birth certficate not having a name on it - every baby should have a name on their birth certificate...even if it is gong to be sealed in some vault for 100 years or whatever.
2. I wish I would have had the confidence or knowledge or something to know that there was a better place/agency for me to place my daughter for adoption. I remember one of the reasons I chose Gladney was because I could live there and go to school there and not have to go to school with regular people. I thought they were the only place that offered that. And maybe they were...I don't know how many agencies had their own school (Gladney did, they don't any longer). I wish I would have not cared about what other people thought so I could have just gone to any high school - I remember there was an agency in Dallas called Hope Cottage - I thought about calling them but didn't for some reason. I wish I would have called them...it seems like they may have done open or semi-open adoptions then (maybe they didn't...I'm not sure...?) I just wish I would have called more than 1 agency and not been so ashamed of my situation that I was afraid to ask any questions (not that I knew any questions to ask - it's not like there was a manual I could refer to for someone thinking about becoming a birthmother)
3. I wish I would not have placed through Gladney.
4. I wish I would have not delivered my baby at the hospital Gladney had on their campus, and gone to Harris (which was nearby).
5. I wish I would have known that there was something out there called open adoption - even back when I placed...there were people placing their babies for adoption in open adoptions.
6. I regret so much that I don't know her first name - that drives me NUTS!
7. I wish I would have sent her a birthday card every year so that when/if she ever checks her file at Gladney, they'd be there for her (I don't think I've ever even written her a letter other than the first one I wrote her when she was just a few days old - but how many times have I thought about what I would say to her if I did write her a letter...soooo many times. I think I finally recently wrote a letter to her mom and it's in the file at Gladney in case they ever check it)
Okay, I'm getting kind of upset now...enough of my "wish I would'a" stuff...can't do anything about it now so it gets me nowhere to dwell on what I would have done different.
If you're asking me if I've ever wondered if I made a huge mistake by placing her for adoption...(not sure if you are but in case you are)....I don't think I have ever wondered that - it's possible in the beginning but I don't even think I thought that then because I just knew there was no way at all that I could parent her - it was as impossible as me climbing Mt Everest or finding $1 million dollars in a briefcase on the street that I could keep - I mean it just seemed absolutely positively undoable at that time. I did make some contact in the beginning, shortly after placing her with some people that were really anti-adoption (I spoke on the phone to this lady who wrote this book called The Dark Side of Adoption - she was very, very anti-adoption) and were trying to convince me that it wasn't too late to try to get her back - that wasn't what I wanted to do but I just wanted to know her name. One person told me that I could request a copy of her birth certificate as long as I did it soon - I didn't think she was correct and I was too scared to attempt to do that so I never did...I wish I would have done that now...at least tried to do. Anyway, no - from what I can remember, I've never doubted that I made the right decision for us. And certainly as time has passed - I know in my heart of hearts I did the best thing (unless I find out at some time that something horrible happened to her or that her parents didn't love her or something - then we're talking a whole other issue I'll be dealing with) and if given the situation again - I would still choose what I chose to do (although I would NEVER go through another adoption ever again - one was enough for me...there was no way I could have experienced that again but I'm glad (in a weird way) I experienced the one I did (just wish I would have handled it differently).
-Lisa
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Well, Lance (my husband) is out of town this week & I have a little trouble sleeping (obviously...it's nearly 1am here in the Pacific NW)....thank goodness he comes home tomorrow (well, that's actually today - in fact, he's at the airport now).
Anyway, I tend to do a little internet surfing when I can't sleep...and of course, it always ends up being something related to adoption (often looking at sites that give me some sort of hope that someday I will be able to find my daughter that I placed for adoption - she's 15 1/2 now - wow! The girl who babysate Kayleigh today is 15 - maybe that's one thing that got me on this thing today about my birthdaughter....kept comparing what her babysitter was doing and how she acted and wondered if there were any similarities between them.
Also watched a program tonight on MTV called - True Life - I'm Adopted - it had 2 girls on there who searched for their birthmothers, one girl was 18 - no luck in her finding her birthmother. The other was 28 and it resulted in a happy reunion and she met her 2 half-brothers as well. It also had a birthmother on there who they followed and showed the heart-wrenching relinquishment - it was very hard for me to watch - I kept thinking of the day I relinquished and how horrible I felt and then it made me think of my Kayleigh's precious birthmother and what it must have been like for her - I think I actually felt worse thinking of her and how it must have affected her than when I thought of my own day.
Anyway - speaking of my adoption experience - it was closed or as I've also seen it called, confidential. Not a good thing. They don't do adoptions like that too much anymore (thank goodness and thank the adoption reform movement - hip hip hooray for those brave birthmothers & adoptees who stood up for their rights). So - I found this site through a link I found awhile ago (I found the link awhile ago...I just found this new site tonight) - it's Open Adoption.org I haven't spent a huge amount of time on it so I'm not sure how credible it is and who the guy is that maintains the site. I did run across something though that I thought may be helpful for someone who is considering adoption.
There are 2 things I don't regret when it comes to my placement of my daughter for adoption - one is that I did place her for adoption (because I believe that she was able to experience a better life than I could have given her at the time I gave birth to her) and the other is that I placed her through an agency (albeit an agency I'm not happy with...nonetheless, I placed through an agency). I don't want to knock private adoptions...I just think agency adoptions are better...especially for a birthmother. The other bit of advice I'd give someone considering adoption is to please work with an agency that only handle fully open adoptions - even if you don't want an open adoption...even if you don't think you'll want any future contact - it's better to have that available to you and it's something you can't really go back and change once you've placed your child for adoption.
Anyway, on this site - this guy who I believe maintains this site (Bill Betzen) has this checklist called "The Adoption Agency Checklist if Considering Placement" I'll put the link here that will take you to it but I'll also list it here in case the link ever changes Adoption Agency Checklist if Considering Adoption
Adoption Agency Selection Checklist
If Considering Placement
By Bill Betzen - bbetzen@openadoption.org - 3/19/96 draft
Print out one copy of this form for each agency you want to consider. It is written with the placement of an infant in mind, but the same issues apply to the placement of any child. These issues are drawn from a document called Recommendations for Parents Considering Placement of a Child. That document will help you better understand the issues in the 24 items on this checklist. Score each of the following 24 items in the left margin with a number from -10 to +10, with +10 being the most positive. All "no" answers receive 0 points unless otherwise noted.
Name of the agency: _____________________________________________________
Before you call the agency answer the following:
Is the agency within 50 miles, or one of the five agencies closest to your home? (Yes = +5)
Are there other good agencies closer? (Subtract 2 from 10 for each good agency that is closer.)
Do you have a friend who knows this agency is a good open adoption agency? (Yes = +10)
Is the agency church affiliated, a United Way agency, or an agency with over a 30 year history in your area? (Yes = +5) [beware as some of these agencies are still not open adoption agencies.]
Do they have the largest Yellow Page ad in the book? (Yes = -10, No = +3)
Does that ad make it clear that they are a fully open adoption agency? (Yes = +5)
If the average of the above six scores is +2 or higher, then call the agency. Tell them you are considering placement of an infant and want to know the types of services they offer. If they freely share the following information, without your having to ask about it over the phone, then double their points on any score that is positive:
Do they offer guidance in parenting? (Yes = +5)
Do they offer encouragement and support for parenting? (Yes = +10)
Before they will tell you of the adoption services they will offer do they first ask the race of the child you are expecting? (Yes = -10, No = +5) [To ask if the child is American Indian is a valid question. If he/she is eligible for membership in a recognized tribe, that affects the legal process and may prohibit a relinquishment through an agency. However, a good agency will still serve you and will not ignore the Indian Child Welfare Act in the U.S., and similar laws in Canada.]
Do they volunteer that they only do fully open adoption and that all their families expect such fully open, ongoing relationship, adoptions? (Yes = +10)
Do they accurately define open adoption as fully identified (full names, addresses, and phone numbers shared) and having a commitment for ongoing contact over the years? (Yes = +10)
Do they say they have families waiting for a closed adoption? (Yes = -10)
Do they have families waiting for semi-open adoptions? (Yes = -5)
Do they strongly recommend/require counseling before you begin looking at families? (Yes = +5)
Do they recommend that the families you consider live near enough for a comfortable visit?
(No = -5, No recommendation = 0, Yes = +10)
Are most of the families they would have for you over 300 miles away? (Yes = -10)
Do they freely offer to cover your living expenses without requiring that you remain active in the counseling process? (Yes = -10) [such offers may even be illegal in your area. If they still offer to cover those expenses, report them to authorities.]
Ask them if they would have families for you to consider if you were expecting an African American child. Do they say they either have families or that they will find families?
(Yes = +10, No = -10)
Before the matching process begins is there a warning that the formation of a friendship with a family you select will make it much harder for you to parent after giving birth? (Yes = +10)
Before birth it is very good to practice with the selected family what you and they will do should you decide to parent. Requiring such discussion is a sign of a good, honest agency. Does the agency called require such practice and discussion before a child is born? (Yes = +10, No = -10)
Ask them if they have resumes for families currently awaiting adoption. Do these resumes all have full name, address, and local phone number (i.e., not 800#) for the family? (Yes = +10)
In the matching process will the agency give you a selection of family resumes (maybe 5) they have chosen for you to consider, or do you get to look at every family they have who would be available for your child? (They select group of families = 0. You can see every available family = +10)
Once you are with the agency, does your counselor constantly want to go over the parenting alternative again to the point you are tired of hearing about it? (Yes = +10)
Once you decide for adoption does the counselor NEVER mention parenting again?
(Yes = -10)
Please remember to double the positive scores for each item above that they answered in the positive over the phone without your needing to ask about it.
The total of all the 24 scores above (remember to subtract any negatives) is _____________.
The higher this total score is above 100 the better! The highest possible score is 248. I doubt that many agencies will score above 200. Most agencies are still not fully open and are not spending this amount of time volunteering information over the phone without your asking the specific questions relating to these issues. Please let me know if you find an agency with a 200+ score. They need to be known!
This checklist is based on my personal opinions gained from 23 years of child placement experience and the input of many respected friends. Comments from people who have been reading this page on the Internet have also helped mold this checklist. The important thing is that you form your own opinion on these issues and select an agency accordingly. Doing this checklist takes time and effort. You will never regret having made such an investment with your time. You and your child will benefit most from that investment.
If you have comments or suggestions, or if anything is unclear, I welcome hearing from you. You may e-mail me at bbetzen@openadoption.org. Such comments have already helped improve this checklist. Thank you for visiting. .
May God bless your parenting/adoption decision making process. I hope this checklist will be part of that blessing.
Bill Betzen
Dallas
3/19/97
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Well said Jeannie - I was trying to think of something to say to that too but you took the words from my mouth.
So - Kim, just keep hanging in there - don't give up - and I hope & pray this works out as you are trying to get it to work out....your little guy has quite a mom! I'm sure he already knows that though.
-Lisa
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I also wanted to give congratulations to all the new mommies and daddies too (as well as their special little Abrazo babies!)
But - as I know who this most recent Abrazo baby's parents are - I especially wanted to wish you all a very special congratulations - I am ecstatic for you and I know you are just over the moon with your little princess! I just can't wait to hear all about her and especially am hoping for a photo or two!
Yay!!!!!
Lisa
Dr. Phil
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Oh shoot! I missed it. I don't watch Dr. Phil (I'm NOT a Dr. Phil fan - can't stand him) but wanted to see the update on him. I did tune in to the first 2 updates they did (beause of Jennifer's post that he'd be doing adoption updates) and got disgusted with the 2nd update so I turned it off.
Here's what bugged me (like anyone cares).
The first lady on there was a birthmother who is now 35, placed when she was 16 and she has this very strong need to have a presence in her son's life...so much so that she sort of crossed the line (at least that's how it was presented on Dr. Phil but who knows). Anyway, he's telling her that she is not his mother (true, I'll agree with that), the adoptive mom is his mother (yep, I agree with that) and it's his adoptive mom's perogative (I never spell that right) to deny her to have contact with her son (not so sure I go with that - he's 18 so I think it's actually his decision, not hers but whatever). The son asked her to not contact him any more (which she hasn't) and she's just trying to figure out now how to move on (if she ever gets that answer, I'd love to know for me too! Do birthmothers ever move on?) So - don't have a huge problem with that although he just seemed to talk down to her or something even though he kept insisting he "appreciates her emotions". Spare me!
This is what bugged me. So - the birthmother, not his mom. Fine. Then - he goes on to do an update on a couple who had matched with a birthmother then she changed her mind...I think after she had the baby. He started off by saying, "now here's something I have a really hard time getting my head around" or something like that then goes on to introduce the story, etc. It's like he acted like the birthmother that changed her mind (who actually, technically is NOT a birthmother yet - she is the MOTHER! She hasn't signed anything, relinquished her rights - she's no different from any other mother other than she feels as though adoption is best for her child/her.) doesn't have the right to do that - like she isn't the mother. I was like, hey wait a minute - the adoptive mom is the mom. The birthmother who placed the little boy isn't the mom. But the expectant mother who hasn't actually placed her baby yet isn't a mom - like he totally disses her for changing her mind! This is the problem with certain agencies, attorneys, and people! Will this mindset ever go away?
I won't lie and say I wasn't praying like a crazy woman when I was waiting to find out whether or not Kayleigh's birthmother had signed her papers or not. But! It is 100% her right to change her mind - so had she done so, I would not have hated her for it or even questioned her decision to do so. Would I have been devastated? Oh my gosh yes, beyond belief - it would have traumatized me in a big way. But - as long as a birthmother enters into a match with every intention of placing her baby for adoption then later changes her mind - that is okay to do (I'm not so in agreement with when a birthmother is unsure, goes ahead and matches all the while being uncertain about her decision but never tells anyone then changes her mind - to me, that's a little misleading - if in doubt, I think they should wait or at least be up front about their uncertainty). Oh yes, then - at the end of their update (which was very touching - I"m very happy for them) not a peep about how Amanda, the birthmother is doing. Ugh! Hello! WHO made this happy little family even possible? It's like HE took all the credit! I don't think ole Dr. Phil was in hard labor pushing out a huge baby feeling like he was about to die. Nope - all he did was air a TV show which gave that couple and the birthmother a chance to hook up - to me, the true hero in that story is the birthmother for coming forward and opening her heart to these people and by having the strength to place her child for adoption - she even said, "You're a Mommy!" to the adoptive mom right after she gave birth. That takes courage!
Okay - off my soapbox - that probably doesn't even make sense it just seemed to me like he was talking out both sides of his mouth.
No more Dr. Phil for me - I'll stick with Oprah!
Lisa