michcana
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Posts posted by michcana
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Monica,
Great post! How nice to hear that even in the midst of your loss/pain, you are able to see a beautiful road ahead with your son's family.
Your post is jam packed with helpful information for parents wanting to adopt and parents choosing to place and how important it is to honor open adoption promises and commitments. Also parents need to have a clear understanding of their expectations in open adoption, so communication can take place honestly before and after placement. Thanks for sharing what went into your adoption decision in terms of selecting the right family.
The Segura's, I know them from Camp too. You picked a really great family, no worries there, but of course you already know that.
Your son is precious.
So glad you found Abrazo. And thanks for posting your feelings and experiences.
Hugs again,
Karen
Yes, Karen, I agree that the Segura's are THE BEST!!
Thank you for your comment about Nico.. he is an adorable little man!
My experience..
When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.
The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.
When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them.
Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life. Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.
I hope this helps some BP's.
Monica, you know how blessed we feel to have you and your girls, and of course the cutest little man in our lives! Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and pray for you and are thankful for you. We are as committed as ever to make the best of a difficult situation... we are so aware of the pain you feel. We know that we weren't brought together by accident and we look forward to a future of watching these beautiful boys grow up together with you in our lives. We feel such excitement when we hear how Aria and Elida are excelling in school and sports and all the sweet things they say and do. They are great big sisters. When we think of how you all embrace not only Nico but Luke also it really touches our heart.
Love you guys bunches!
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My experience..
When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.
The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.
When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them.
Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life. Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.
I hope this helps some BP's.
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Hi Monica,
Sorry to jump in between you and Elizabeth...but I just wanted to say that I have a teenage daughter who takes meds for depression. It has not been an easy road, trying to find which meds work, during the ups and downs of her illness and so forth. But life continues onward so we make the best decisions we/she can at the time, depending on what's most critical and how's she's doing, coping etc. She has not experienced an unplanned pregnancy (which I know is way more critical) but nonetheless there have been decisions made in the past, which would or possibly could be different today (maybe).
She and I were just discussing what a difference a year makes. Where she was a year ago is totally different than where she is today in terms of her recovery/treatment. She is doing great at this moment.
Some of the differences I've observed has to do with how she copes with everyday life. Stress is a huge trigger, too much and she tends to withdraw or fall apart. So finding a good balance (for her) is something we continuously work through together.
I feel your pain, we've had some pretty painful times too. But what I try to do for me and for my daughter is to not get stuck in those painful times. Everyday things change, thankfully. When she's down, I know there is a better day coming, that's just how God balances everything out (in my opinion).
There is no magic, just one day at a time. There are better days ahead for you too. I am sorry you are experiencing deep grief right now, it won't be this intense forever, because God is seeing you through. You are not alone, ever.
I wish I could do more than a cyber hug (((Monica))).
Karen
Karen,
You are right.. One day at a time!
My reasons for getting on anti-depressants about 7-8 years ago were for anger related depression. All this crying and up and downs are a little new to me. I'm almost 33yrs old. I never thought I would ever be in this place in my life and it is a huge adjustment. I have always been the one people went to for advice and I always had a level head on my shoulders, but to be on the other side is definitely a change! I know it will get better, I know life will move forward, I know I have to think about my 15 and 10 yr old daughters, but I also can't stand to feel like a mental case by people!!
Everyone saying it's your hormones, it's grief, etc.. I understand that and I acknowledge it. It's just not a good feeling to have all your feeling devalued by these labels. I can say "I have a headache" and you can respond "it's probably allergies", but it doesn't take away the fact that I have a headache and it hurts!
Thank you for your ((HUG)) I'll take one of those any day! (:
Monica
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Oh, Monica... big hugs to you. I know you are struggling to come to terms with the decision that you made, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with others.
It's very common for women who have placed to seek to rationalize their decisions afterwards, especially when they are under pressure from others who may not agree with the plans they have made. That's not to say that hormone changes don't impact women during pregnancy (clearly they do: read more, here.) But every woman who places is impacted by stress, by hormones and/or by depression, frankly-- and in the end, it's up to them whether they wish to view their own adoption decision as having been the "right" choice or not.
There is nothing in Texas law that enables parents who place to undo an irrevocable relinquishment based on hindsight nor hormones, which is why even the relinquishment document requires all affiants to confirm before signing, by their own initials, that they know they should not sign the document if they are not thinking clearly because of "illness, any substance or medication, my emotional health or any other reason."
Rest assured, Monica, that you are currently in the midst of continuing hormonal fluctuations during what some professionals call the "fourth trimester", and that this continues to impact your current thoughts and feelings-- and yes, the post-adoption grief experience, as well.
That doesn't mean that what you are presently thinking or feeling is not "real" but it is to say that this may not be the most appropriate time to try to permanently evaluate whether or not you made the right decision for your son's welfare. (Hindsight is always 50/50, as they say.) Every mother with an untimely pregnancy can only make her own best decisions on what she knows at the time, hormones or stress or depression or not, and I hope in time you will be able to trust that you, too, did the best you could, given your circumstances at the time.
Hmm.. I definitely don't agree with some of this. Your perspective as well as mine can be broken down and analyzed in different ways. Everyone has their own opinion and every "birth mothers" situation is separate and different. Though the laws state certain things doesn't mean they are right or shouldn't be clearer! I would absolutely say there should be a longer waiting period before any papers are signed. How long IDK! I am just stating facts of MY mental clarity during and after my pregnancy. I was on antidepressants for a very long time before my pregnancy, stopped them, when in my case, the benefits would have outweighed the risks. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... Hindsight is 20/20 and it's sad in this type of situation.
I find it funny that the sentences I "initialed" that asked me about my mind set, medications, etc were even asked.. If you don't know your judgement is clouded and your mental state was off balanced until you're on medications that level out those chemicals then those ridiculous questions have no meaning, but to give leverage in court if needed. Period!
Anyway... Have a nice night.
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Questions to ask yourself before developing an adoption plan
1. Do I want to keep and raise my child?
2. What is/are the reason(s) I am considering adoption?
3. Am I aware of the help/assistance that is available to help me during my pregnancy and to help me raise my child? Have I explored all the sources of help available to me?
4. Do I have supportive family members who want to help me raise my child? Have I asked my family members to help me?
5. If not, do you need someone to help you/guide you through the process to find assistance, mentoring, support emotionally, financially and physically? Have you looked for someone to fill this need?
6. If you choose adoption, are you familiar with the research of the long-term effects on both you and your child?
7. Do you understand the difference between a closed adoption and an open adoption?
8. Do you have legal representation from an attorney independent of the potential adopters and the agency?
9. Have you had professional counseling, from a professional independent of the adoption agency or prospective adopters, who understands the world of adoption, during the decision making process ?
10. How would you feel not knowing anything about your child or their well-being?
11. There are no “perfect” parents. How would you feel knowing that the adoptive parents might raise your child in a manner that you would disapprove of, and you would be powerless to do anything about it?
12. How would you feel if you never have any other children?
13. If you surrender you child, you will feel tremendous grief, anger, and loneliness. How will that affect you? How will you deal with it?
14. If you're considering an open adoption, what is your legal recourse if the adoptive parents break the agreement?
15. How are the hormones of pregnancy affecting your ability to make the decision that will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives?
16. How will you feel if you never find your child, or if she/he never wants to meet you when she/he grows up?
17. If you surrender your child for adoption, your child may feel grief and loss over being separated from you, and may feel that you abandoned him/her. How do I feel about that? What can you do about about it?
18. How would you feel if my child needed family medical information and you were unable to get it to him/her? Is there anything that could be detrimental that your child would not know if adopted?
19. Financial problems are likely temporary. In a few years, when you have a stable job and good home, how will you handle knowing that you've permanently surrendered rights to your child?
20. How will you tell family and friends that you surrendered your child to adoption?
21. If you surrender your first child to adoption how might it affect your relationship with future children you might have?
22. Would you seek a reunion after being separated by adoption from your child? How would you go about this?
Basically from http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=71869
Ladies Considering Adoption,
I placed 5 weeks ago and I think #15 has a lot to do w/ my situation.. I was having marriage problems, pregnancy guilt, I had stopped taking my anti-depressant b/c of the pregnancy, I felt desperate and I believe if I was a little less clouded I would have kept my son. I started back on a low dose of anti-depressants 1 week prior to delivering him and now I have been on them for 2 months and my hormones have leveled off.. I have a sense of clarity now that I didn't have before.
Some would say this is "mourning a loss" and it is a loss, but in my situation I believe I had an untreated medical condition that should have been treated before such a BIG decision was made. What I do about it now?? IDK!
I hope this helps someone considering adoption and it may give them something to think about!
Monica
Resources for dealing with an unplanned pregnancy
in Considering Adoption?
Posted
Kristal,
Yes, I do regret my decision sometimes. I have learned about some things, but not sure if I'll act on them!! I will check out your thread!! (: Thanks!