Steven&Melissa
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Posts posted by Steven&Melissa
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I am LOVING these suggestions... please keep them coming. A subscription to Adoptive Families magazine is such a great gift idea for family. I can't believe I didn't think of that.
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Ollie is 14 months old. My husband's parents have just come into town, meeting him for the first time. They're the first members of his family to meet Oliver. Previously, they haven't requested photos, haven't sent gifts, haven't acted very interested. It didn't just make me sad for Ollie, but for Steven, too. We used all of our vacation time for adoption-related trips in the past year, so going all the way up to NY wasn't feasible. I would have understood if they couldn't get down here, but asked about him regularly and tried to "get to know him" from far away through photos, videos, etc. But the apparent lack of interest put a large chip on my shoulder.
His mom is awkward. We love her, but she requires a lot of time alone and social situations are bothersome. She takes things very personally. Last night, she was talking about some friends of theirs, saying that she was glad one of her other sons hadn't married a woman because she "just gave one of her babies away." It was one of those situations where I thought "do I say something or is it worth it?" I winced. Then I said "I actually think very highly of people who make an adoption plan for their children if they're unable to parent." I don't think that had occurred to her.
It occurred to me that it wasn't just Ollie who missed out on having them around and it wasn't just them missing out on watching Ollie grow up... but they've missed out on positive adoption reinforcement. On the first night, my husband's dad saw a photo of Ollie's birthmama in our home. He asked how "it worked." We explained and he said the expected "so can she just come back and get him some day?" He responded really well... admittingly still a little freaked out by the level of openness. But I think we've done everybody a disservice by not slowly introducing the concept of open adoption and easing them into it. The lack of exposure has been unfair to all of us.
I guess I say this because I wish we'd sent them information about open adoption. I wish that even if we thought they wouldn't take advantage of it, we'd sent them literature and information of some kind. We should have prepared them to be waiting with open arms. So, as much as I'd like to keep that chip on my shoulder, I think we're partially at fault too because we didn't prepare them like we should have. What could we do at this point to play catch-up a little bit? Any suggestions?
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This makes a lot of sense to me... whether one is adopting from China or Texas or Ethiopia or Haiti or wherever: don't take a child from a culture or environment without some investment in maintaining a connection and/or returning there.
Makes perfect sense, right? I think that's why so many of us out-of-towners want our kids to have Texas pride. That's why we invest in the Longhorns gear, Don't Mess with Texas t-shirts, etc. And it's why we plan our annual trek there! I know it's to a much lesser degree, but it's still parallel. As good adoptive parents, you should want your child to be proud of where they came from - their heritage, their roots, their culture. Kinda hard to do that when the child hasn't experienced their place of birth first-hand!
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We used Kinko's the first time and they did a great job. We went to Office Depot the 2nd time and used a coupon and they did a great job, too and it was about 40% cheaper. They have great card stock at both places and both places were very helpful.
It is worth searching the paper or the internet for copy coupons.
Agreed! We found a coupon when we did ours and loaded everything on a jump drive, saving each page as a separate .jpg at the very highest quality possible. Then we chose a heavier card stock and had them printed in the highest quality they'd offer. I wanted everything from the feel of them to the vibrancy of the colors to reflect on our personality!
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I feel sad for my daughter Katelyn who does not know her birth family. It's hard for her since we have open relationships with our children's other families. I know she wants to know her Korean grandma. They do not know that she exists.
Heather
Heather - I've often wondered about this. At Abrazo, I've noticed that in many instances, if there is no contact with the birth parent, there is sometimes contact with a birth sibling adopted by another family. At least that gives a tie back to the child's roots. I think a lot about the next adoption situation we might enter into and whether or not we'll be fortunate enough to have the same amount - or more - contact with the first family as we do now. I think I'd feel sad, just like you do, if one child had more contact than another.
Every situation is unique and I know we do our best as parents to handle whatever comes our way, but it does make me sad when I hear of closed adoptoins, whether they start at the very beginning of the relationship or slowly end up that way. -
I wonder about this all the time. We've learned so many bits and pieces of information and I'm able to see photos of Ollie's extended birth family online. I wonder how many of them know that the little boy in my Facebook profile photo is their relative. It hurts my feelings - for Oliver - that they're not fighting to get to know him. I know this is just "how things are," but I look at this sweet baby and wonder if they'd like to know him. I realize, though, that my #1 commitment is maintaining the relationship we have with Ollie's birthmama. If it's her wish that we maintain some distance and not contact my son's birthfather/family, I understand that. For now, we're building what we have with HER. She found us, she chose Ollie's parents, she has stuck around in good times and bad. He has a birthsister we aren't likely to ever meet, but there is a chance of meeting his birthbrother some day... I hang on to that hope tightly for both of them.
I have asked before if Ollie's birthdad knew she was pregnant, but I do wonder if he really knew. I wonder if he wishes he knew where Ollie was. Just thinking of it makes me sad for everyone involved. I'm happy for Ollie that he's sleeping peacefully with a full belly and a warm house and a life full of consistency and routine. He's safe and he has more love than he knows what to do with... that's what's most important, but I wish there weren't any secrets to keep.
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There's another thread on the forum about this. It's located under the Looking to Adopt section (the very top one). You can find it here: Profiles: Presenting...YOU!
There are also another few threads with similar topics:
Online Profiles for Abrazo's PIWs
Hope this helps!
You'll also notice if you go back through the threads of the orientation groups before you, everyone has the same question! It's a lot of reading to do, but it's worthwhile to follow the stories from beginning to end for various reasons, but you'll learn a lot along the way, too! With each orientation group, someone throws out new ideas about creating profiles.
Have fun!
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Wow, congratulations!!! Can't wait to see a photo of the new happy family.
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"You is kind... you is smart... you is..." A MOM BY ADOPTION!
That quote from "The Help" has really stuck with me. My mom raised me saying "you were born with so much common sense" and I couldn't help but try to live up to that. I loved the part in that movie where "the help" were the ones giving the children the positive reinforcement they needed. It made me start - that day - telling Oliver every night - in the same way - how loved he is, how important he is, and that he can do anything in the world.
"Motherhood has given me purpose" is right!
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Reposted on my Facebook! I'm still dying to have someone I know inquire so we have more Abrazo families in the area!! I've seen a lot of reposting by Abrazo families, too, so hopefully the word is getting out!
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Congratulations, Leah and Kevin! It feels like just yesterday we were welcoming you to the Abrazo forum and now you're parents!! Hard to believe something so amazing can happen so quickly.
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Hear it and correct it...nicely ... but ignore it and you condone it ... and guarantee its continuance!
I couldn't agree more, Laura. It's easier to just let something slip past - especially if you hate confrontation - but correcting someone nicely hopefully makes the world a little better for our kids 1 person at a time.
I'd be interested in hearing what you have decided to call Julie and Victor's first parents. I can understand how "biological parents" in the sense that it denies them recognition of the time they had with them before they made the adoption plan. We call Oliver's B his first mama a LOT when we're talking about her, but I also find that term confuses some people... but 9 times out of 10, when someone says "what do you mean by first mother?" it sparks a good conversation.
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Most definitely seems to be year of boys! Congrats so happy for you. What a lucky little boy.
It seems we keep having the "year of the boys!" If you look on the past 2 pages of the gallery, there are 16 girls and nearly 30 boys!
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So excited for these families' new arrival. The upcoming days (and months!) may be sleepless, but they're some of the most amazing of your life, Danette and Chris! It's amazing seeing all of these families coming together over the love of one little guy. Congratulations!
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Oh my gosh, this announcement made me cry like a baby. BEAUTIFUL. Congratulations to this growing family - birth and adoptive - as you find common ground and tremendous peace as you raise your son surrounded by love!
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Colin Paul was born 9-10-11, one day before my birthday and we received the call about a baby boy born and waiting to meet his parents from Elizabeth on 9-23, one day after Mike's birthday. All our birthday wishes came true!
I love the little special details like these in Abrazo's adoption stories. They give me chills! Praying Colin gets stronger and healthier with every passing day and that you're home as a family of 3 soon!
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I want to say I only feel sadness reading this article because it would probably mean I'm a nicer person than I am... but I can't help but laugh at the WORLDWIDE stupidity of other people! The things that come out of peoples' mouths!
I really, really liked this article... yes, it's sad - but it's also one of those "Adults Say the Darndest Things" kind-of articles. I always seem to get a chuckle off of the ridiculous things people say without ever thinking them through! I hate to think my child will be raised hearing nonsense like this from other people, but at least he's being raised by us and will hopefully shake his head right along with us.
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Awesome article. It really serves as a great reminder to have conversations with ourselves about any unresolved infertility or entitlement issues before they negatively affect our children and their sense of identity and belonging.
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Welcome to the world, baby Colin. My prayers are still with D & J that they feel peace in their hearts and will come to know a happy, healthy baby boy and his new parents as they all grow together!
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Karen - I don't think that's bad! Nearly all of us come into this with the hopes that a situation as ideal as possible reaches us.
I think most of us came to Abrazo with a totally different thought process than we do now. Different beliefs and convictions. Someone had to teach me, guide me, act as an example to me. I have a hard time even remembering back to those days, but I'm absolutely positive that if I ran into the 3-years-ago-me on the street, that person would make me feel ashamed now. I don't think many of us realize how naive we were until our eyes were opened and it's sad to think about how many people adopt - even through Abrazo - whose eyes (and minds) are still closed.
I, too, remember thinking a situation of "...high school first loves get pregnant and want more of their lives..." would be "ideal," and although our situation did involve a teen, her life was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Like you said, Karen, now I'm thinking "why would this situation even need me?!" It's just the naivity that we all have starting out before our eyes are opened and it's almost hard to fault people for that. Just like it's hard to fault friends for the uneducated remarks they make.
I like to think people inherently WANT to be good. I know there are people out there who wouldn't look at open adoption (and birthparent situations) through a different lens even if you tried to open their eyes, but I'd like to believe (hope) that many would. I suppose that's why the Abrazo ladies never stop trying.
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I find myself looking for the "like" button all the time!
It's on the bottom right-hand corner of everyone's posts, actually! They're called "reputation points" here.
It's a little green circle with a + sign.-
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Although this entire email forward I received today made me laugh so hard I was crying, this one was cute. It's the product of d*mnyouautocorrect.com - always good for a laugh. My own personal auto correct moment was when I was leaving the doctor's office after finding out I'd need to see a specialist for my endometriosis and my mom texted to say "how are you?" I meant to write back "I'm fine, now!" but it autocorrected to "I'm fine, nag!"
[
I also had a much more mortifying experience recently when I was texting Oliver's birthmom, who does an amazingly accurate duck impression, and meant to say "Practice your duck impression - Ollie thinks that sound is hilarious now!" Well, autocorrect decided to change the "d" in duck to an "f." Urrrrrgggggg.... not one of my better moments. Just reinforces Abrazo's suggestion - call your kids' birthparents, don't rely on texts!!!
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I don't know that I've ever been happier for a placement!! Yet again, a baby has made his way to the family absolutely, without a doubt, meant for him!!! I don't know that there's ever been a more deserving couple, either. So happy for this miracle - I'm amazed and so happy!! Welcome to the world (and your wonderful new family), baby Joseph!! You are already loved by so many, including your Auntie Melissas!!!
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Congrats, Lindsey and Ryan! So happy to welcome our newest Tennesseeian!!
Preparing the Relatives
in The Family Room
Posted
You're awesome, Nicole. Such an insightful post... you're completely right. You really tapped into exactly how this should be handled with them.
Steven's mom sent a thank-you letter in the mail. She said we couldn't possibly understand how much it had meant to her to meet Ollie and that it had been so hard to not see him for so long. I guess I just didn't/don't understand. There were so many invites. But none of that matters. They've met him and they've fallen in love. I am consistently amazed at the walls Oliver can tear down. He's softened their hearts and now, all there is to do is educate. Lovingly.
Deb - so glad your mom is on here! My mom (GrandMimi) is on the forum, too. She really only lurks (hi, mom) but it has been SO educational for her. We've talked a lot recently about who would have guardianship over Ollie if something happened to us. Both Steven and I could - without a doubt - say that we could count on my mom 100% to honor the relationship he has with his birthmama. It's because of the forum that she not only understands open adoption, but believes in it wholeheartedly. I'd LOVE to have stronger birth-and-adoptive grandparent participation on the forum!!! Have your mom get in touch with my mom if she wants another grandma's perspective!!!