Steven&Melissa
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Posts posted by Steven&Melissa
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Laurie - we're so glad you're here, too! This week has brought us some very important perspective to the forum... my son's birthmama, Bianca, and you as well! It's a point of view we don't hear nearly enough, so I hope you'll really make yourself at home and post often. We're excited to have you and we'll all keep you and a hopeful reunion with your son in our prayers!
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I have chills all over after reading Laura's post! Nicole - I hope you'll reach out to Laura as you make this transition if you need special help! The news of this placement makes me so very happy. God had a plan and it wasn't for a little Turnis boy!!!
Congratulations to your newly expanded family and big prayers for everyone who loves your sweet girl. -
Bumping up this topic for our newer PIW...
One great thing about this forum is that we learn so much about being good adoptive parents and being good friends to our childrens' birth families. It also, hopefully, helps us along the pre-placement path by giving us insights that open our minds.
This thread has a lot of information within it's two short pages! A couple of my biggest take-aways that have stuck with me since 2 years ago when I first read this topic were: 1) not calling expectant mothers "birth mothers" before they've placed their child (and the emotional/psychological detriment it causes to do that) and 2) not saying "our birth parents."
There's also a really moving exchange between Karen, Jada and Krystal about positive adoption language and both-sides-of-the-fence feelings within this thread as well. Lots to be learned from that exchange.
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Reviving this old thread. I have to assume a lot of prospective adoptive parents (and maybe expectant/birth parents?) take a look at this thread when considering Abrazo or when considering whether or not working with an agency that supports open adoptions is right for their family. I noticed a Guest was on here today checking out this thread, so I thought the topic deserved a refresh. There is also a newer thread, specific to clients who chose Abrazo, called: What Made You Pick Abrazo?
There are also a few threads here on the forum for expectant/birth familes considering open adoption, though none consolidate referrals from birth parents who worked with Abrazo. Reading these threads and seeing the information offered by Abrazo staff and birthmothers might help those considering Abrazo as their agency: Finding an Agency, Looking for the Right Parents for Your Baby?, Selecting the right family for your baby, Resources for Dealing with an Unplanned Pregnancy, and What is Open Adoption?.
While being "perfect" is impossible, my biggest concerns were addressed with Abrazo. There were a few top things on my list that we considered as we researched agencies. We ultimately chose Abrazo.
* I wanted an agency that was ethical (in numerous ways, including the legality of their practices, but also how expectant/birth parents were treated and how all members of the triad were counseled).
* I was looking for a community that helped me network with other adoptive families so that my son could grow up with friends who had similar stories, which I definitely found here.
* I also wanted an agency that always kept the child of the adoption in mind first. While adoptive parents may think "we're the client, we're paying money," none of that matters. It's what's in the best interest of the child who's in need. I think, along the way, parents-in-waiting may get their egos a little bruised. There is a steep learning curve in open adoption and I think you get a few bumps and bruises along the way. All I can say is that I'm a better mother for those bumps and bruises and I'm a MUCH better friend to our son's birthmama. I wouldn't have it any other way.
* Most of all... I wanted an agency that 100% believed in why OPEN adoptions were important and would help us honor our promises.
From our son's birthmama's perspective, she appreciated the genuine friendship Abrazo provided (and still provides) to her. It's very obvious that they're not going to persuade an expectant/birth mother to do anything she isn't comfortable with. There is a huge peace that comes with knowing that the agency we used supported our son's birthmama no matter what decision she made and allowed her to make her own decision about what was best for her son, without any coersion or manipulations.
I do think it's fake to get onto any rating site or this forum and say that everything was perfect. I don't think anyone's journey with any agency is. And if it is, I have to say that would be the red flag for me. Because if the ride is totally smooth and you don't feel a little wounded along the way, then something went wrong and it's either your child or your child's birth family who took the brunt. Open adoption is a rollercoaster and it's not for the weak of heart or character. But if the most important things to you are some of what I listed above, I'd say you've found a good agency for you.
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Recently, everyone who's asked me about Abrazo has been a single, professional woman.
I don't know whether they're infertile or not... and I know Abrazo works with single women... but does that single woman have to be infertile to be a part of the full service program?
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Old topic... but I'm so eager to find out what ever happened with this story. I sure hope SMR is living a great life some 8+ years later and made a plan that worked out well for her baby, whatever it may have been.
This was a really interesting (short!) thread to read from a teen expectant mother's perspective.
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Very emotional story... I wonder sometimes about the moment when expectant mothers first think about adoption. What is that one defining moment like? I know this birthmother says that it was like the fog cleared out of the room, but I wonder if most expectant mothers feel peace or panic? I know this woman also feared for her child's life, so an adoption plan was a selfless act in many ways... because she was keeping him safe and because she felt another family was right for his upbringing.
Some of the comments to this story reinforce how different peoples' mindsets are about adoption in general. Some are really disheartening. I hate when I read stories like these and people say "the baby would have been better off with his mother... not adoptive mother... but MOTHER." I'm sure birthparents feel a sting when comments like these are made with the opposite connotation. Many things make a mother, by definition... and that's why I feel I rightfully share that title with my son's birthmother, but it still stings to hear someone insinuate that I'm not my child's mother. I know it kills me when people say that a child doesn't "belong to" adoptive parents... no, he is mine. He's MY son and I'm HIS mother. He's also blessed to have a birthmother who loves him very much who sacrificed a lot of heartache to bring him into this world. Neither role should be diminished.
Good for this woman for making a caring plan for her child. I didn't read where this was an open adoption, but maybe I missed something? At the end, I saw where the APs were open and willing for phone chats, exchanging photos, etc. I hope this brings everyone peace down the road. Thanks for the link, E.
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What awful news.... prayers for this family.
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I wish we could find a church like yours, Hannah! The church we're at now is just huge... and while the anonymity is something I love about it, it's also something I don't love if that makes sense. It's not a community like smaller churches are, but the anonymity makes Steven much more comfortable. I think we'll eventually look for a smaller church as we grow our family to add more diversity and a more hands-on experience.
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Madelyn Dunham, the beloved grandmother for whom Barack Obama is currently suspending his campaign to visit due to illness, is in the news, and I thought Barack's reflection on her was an important reminder for all of us the lasting impact that grandparents can have, and why it's so important that we encourage them to grow in their thinking, whether about adoption or race:
"(She is...) a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion, has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe''."
My sweet Nana is my only living grandparent. She's now suffering from dementia, and has just gone to live in assisted living, but I can remember - especially from my teen years - hearing her refer to someone using a racial slur. She didn't mean it any differently than I might in saying "You know, he's the older Asian man who lives down the street" or a descriptor like that. From the deep south, times were different and like most adults - she was fairly set in her ways. When the "n word" would get thrown out for the first time (usually at the beginning of a visit), I'd remind her that I took offense and she would stop. There was this genuine look on her face like she honestly hadn't meant anything by it. She meant it as a descriptor ... meant to distinguish who she was talking about ... with no other connotations. Like sayings we throw around that we don't understand the roots of ("putting a child up for adoption," for instance), there wasn't a deeper meaning behind her words.
I don't know what she'd do/say now that she has dementia, but she did eventually stop saying it around me growing up. I did factor in what my children would hear from elderly family members (or, quite honestly, people my parents' age) growing up if we adopted a child of any color/heritage other than Anglo. I have faith in my extended family that they'd at least bite their tongues, but it's sad to think that's even necessary. And their thoughts certainly wouldn't keep us from adoptiong a child of another heritage.
I wonder how this will change over the generations? Will future adopting parents even think about the fact that their elderly family members will need an education on "uttering racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe?" I mean... is that hurdle really that much bigger than the education we already have to give all of our family members on adoption and proper language surrounding it?
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I just bit my tongue, smiled and said "well bless your heart" (which is Southern for, jerk or any other term a nice Southern lady doesn't said out loud).
LOL... it certainly is!! Well, bless your sweet ignorant heart.
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This person was not worth explaining it to. When we were placed with Alexander she also made a point of telling one of our friends that it was not fair that I did not gain wait and go through labor.
Yep, Jerk.
Ugh, that's my least favorite. Even some of my more sensitive friends have said things like "well, at least you didn't gain 40lbs!" or "at least you didn't have to experience labor!" I usually respond with "Yep - but I gained 60lbs after fertility drugs and three painful open-abdominal surgeries, including a hysterectomy!" I ALWAYS follow it up by saying that we all get the final end result - a child who God intended for our family.
I'll never forget the best thing that came out of our failed match. That expectant mom said to me that she believed God "blesses" some people with infertility. He finds the people who have the kindest hearts to travel that road. Some people are suited for it and some people are not. It takes a strong, caring person to walk through open adoption (on both the birth and adoptive side). You can either look at it as a curse or blessing and of course we all look at our children as blessings, but I tend to look at my infertility that way, too. Being strong and caring is something I'm thankful God gave me instead of working ovaries!
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We never used paper pregnant but we did say that we started our adoption journey.
Paper pregnant does not bother me but someone I know said it bothered them...Because adoptive parents have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant. When she said that, it felt like a slap in the face.
Some people are just jerks.
Ughhhhhhh JERKS!
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Question...
Has anyone ever recorded a video and either provided a link in their profile or included a DVD? I know not all expectant parents would have the means to view it, but even if they went to their public library, they could take a look. Or if they're at the Abrazo offices or receive a visit from one of the 'Chicks... I have to wonder if maybe a simple "hello" where they could see things in motion, or a short tour of the house (and finished nursery?), any prospective siblings running around, etc. might set their hearts at ease a little bit? Maybe it's a glimpse that's a little more tangible than the few photos we can fit in profiles?
Pros? Cons?
We don't plan on "going around again" anytime in the immediate future, but I do keep in mind what photos we'd need for our next profile and try to keep an archive going. I take video of Oliver all the time, but we're not in them with him too often. Wondering if taking a plunge into a short video might be a good addition for the next time.
I'd especially love to hear birthparent thoughts on this, too (on everything, really). Would it have helped you?
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Beth - would you please share how you started this process. Thanks!
We also got an ATIN and needed it before getting our taxes done since Oliver didn't have a social security # yet.
Here's the link we used to get started. We actually had to file an extension on our taxes b/c we were waiting on this number.
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Thanks for all the great info. I am going to have to read through in depth. Per Melissa's post little confused if our first failed match would count as its own attempt, meaning two separate refunds since it was the same tax year and Colin's adoption won't be final until 2012.
Guess I'll find out when we meet with accountant. Good thing I kept good records.
We had a failed match in 2010 and a successful placement in 2011. Our failed attempt counted as it's own attempt... and we could count it on our 2010 taxes. Oliver's however, we'll have to file on our 2011 taxes since we finalized in 2011! For sure, everything feels hazy until the accountant explains things. I still don't 100% understand.
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This article was good for the soul. Seriously... part of what keeps me from being a stay at home mom is that I fear I'm not good at it. That I don't have enough patience or that my child might be able to tell that I'm wondering how many minutes there are until nap time. The truth, just like this lady said, is that no matter how much I LOVE my child, "me" time is what I need to recharge my batteries - emotional and physical. Those "Kairos" moments are the ones that recharge my spirit, though, and I savor every single one of those I get and it really does feel like time stands still during those moments. It's not watching American Idol that enriches my life, but it is the detox I need to give me the energy to hit the ground running at 5:30am the next morning.
Good read, Hannah! Thanks for posting.
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Eligible expenses must be "directly related" to the adoption of an eligible child. This may include adoption fees, legal fees, and court costs. Expenses for a failed adoption might qualify for the credit if followed by a successful adoption, but the two adoption efforts would be considered as one adoption and subject to the dollar limit per eligible child. The editors of JK Lasser's Your Income Tax advise.
Ditto on this... our accountant specializes in adoption (Memphis folks, feel free to PM me for his info if needed). He helped us navigate LAST YEAR, filing taxes for our failed placement (just before Oliver's placement). We could file for the same year it happened (failed 2010, filed with 2010 taxes). However, we're filing our 2010 placement (2011 finalization) with our 2011 taxes. While we didn't get back a HUGE amount, it was around $4k! Our accountant explained it as "per attempt, followed by a successful placement."
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After another emotional call last night, I went seeking scripture on faith, strength, peace and trust in God.
Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
John 14:27 - I'm leaving you with peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives, so don't be troubled or afraid.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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VERY cool conversation.
I agree... and I'm glad this information will be out here on the forum for future expectant, birth and adoptive parents. Dealing with the issue of forgiveness (of self and others) is tough. I've sent B a note with this information and told her I'll send her more info as I find it and receive guidance from others.
Thank you all for responding.
I'm so proud of her for seeking a positive way to relieve the weight that's on her shoulders so she can heal some wounds and lead a happier life. I'm happy it's through a relationship with God, but in general... this is a positive step for her and such a healthy way of dealing with hurt.
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I was talking to B tonight and it was an especially solemn call. She was really introspective and she's made some stretches toward some good decisions lately. I'm proud of her each time she does something to better her life and tonight, she said that she'd been thinking a lot about how she needed to go back to church. All signs in her life are pointing for her to seek religion out and find comfort and direction through God. She said she's been reading the bible a lot and has been desperate to find guidance in a few areas: forgiveness of others, forgiveness of yourself, and relationships between men and women (leading to marriage, marriage, commitment, faithfulness, etc).
Can anyone please suggest some especially moving passages I can share with her? She has a lot of hurt and pain to let go of and although forgiveness is a hard thing, she is especially hopeful to find some way to let go of all that anger and hurt and focus on the positive things in life. Thanks to everyone in advance for lending your knowledge.
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Wow, Charu... I am constantly amazed at the little "coincidences" that occur when our babies find us. One day before your birthday, your little miracle finds you. What a truly amazing birthday gift. I read your post aloud to Steven and we are both overflowing with happiness for you. Everything happens just as God intends and now Krish has found his family and I know his birth parents feel tremendous comfort knowing what sweet and loving people they chose to raise their son.
Enjoy these sleepless days as you go to and from the hospital... and take as many photos and videos as you can! You'll cherish them so much as he grows bigger every day! Very excited to see your placement photo!
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I feel like crying. I'm so, so happy for you Darshan and Charu!!!!!! Hooray!
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Congratulations to the newest family!!! Enjoy these early days!
Family Opposition?
in The Family Room
Posted
Deb - I'm really excited to see you posting more! You've made some great posts... and I think this is a topic we don't talk about very much, but should!
We're lucky. Our family rallied around us 100%. I don't know if it's because I'd always had a feeling I couldn't have children, so I'd always talked about adoption or because they just didn't see anything wrong with it. My immediate family would embrace a child of any race, I'm certain, but I have often wondered about some of our more extended family. Racial divides are fairly strong in the mid-south and there's a lot of prejudice to get over. I believe that with every generation that passes, we get further away from the animosity black people and white people feel toward each other in the midsouth. We, ourselves, battle whether or not we feel it's "fair" to adopt a black child, though I can tell you that my mind opens up to it more and more every day when I think about what we CAN provide vs. what we CAN'T. In the end, I know it's funny because God has a plan and He laughs at me for trying to control everything. What will be, will be.
I hope our son's birthmama, B, will respond too because I know she's heard the same thing we've heard many times when it comes to open adoption: "well, won't she want him back?!" Of course, B's heard "aren't they afraid you'll want him back?!" I know we both give the same reaction to that question. I think that is most people's "fear" though. Openness isn't the norm, either, as it relates to adoption in popular media and conversation. I think that's changing some, though, or maybe that's just my perception because of our situation and influences. I'm still baffled when I hear of someone who's adopted and is parenting a child who is fearful of a birthparent knowing where they live or something. I understand there may be very specific special circumstances where an adoptive family should fear for a child's safety (like a child being taken from a family because of severe abuse, etc) but otherwise....???? I just don't get it. Anyway, I think our families - those of the adoptive family's and those of the birth family's - think open adoption seems totally foreign at first. Even a few months in, some of our extended family and even close friends didn't quite get it. But chip away slowly... that's the best advice I can give. And if they weren't believers at the beginning, they will be once they see the amazing benefits to openness.
I do wonder how family opposition factors into expectant/birth parent choices (choosing adoption at all, choosing open vs. closed, opposition to staying in touch or level of involvement, etc.).