Steven&Melissa
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Posts posted by Steven&Melissa
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WHAT IS OPEN ADOPTION? It's about:
* being able to get to know personally the people you choose to adopt your child,
* sharing identifying information about yourselves with each other through visits/phone calls/correspondence, and
* building a genuine friendship in which contact can continue directly throughout the child's lifetime, so that your child, once adopted, can grow up with accurate information about and access to you and our family.
Adoptions that are open are safe, legal and confidential under Texas law.
WHY ARE OPEN ADOPTIONS BETTER?
Studies show that children in open adoptions tend to be happier, healthier, and better-adjusted.
Studies show that birthparents with open adoptions tend to be more at peace with their decisions afterwards because they have the comfort of knowing how well their child is doing in his or her new home.
Studies show that adoptive parents who have done open adoptions are more secure in their parenting roles and tend to help their children have more positive feelings about their adoptions and their birthfamilies, as well.
WHAT IS OPEN ADOPTION NOT ABOUT? It's not about:
* "co-parenting" or foster care
* being able to change your mind about the adoption after it's been done
* having someone else raise your child until you're ready to take over.
Open adoptions are not "easy"; all good relationships take work.
Openness is not a "right", but a privilege. It's a matter of trust between parties.
Contact agreements are not enforceable in Texas, so it is up to the adoptive parents and birthparents to keep their promises to each other, because neither courts nor adoption professionals can force either party to keep in touch.
WHY IS ABRAZO SO BIG ON OPENNESS?
At Abrazo, we believe that the best adoptions
for children of all backgrounds are open and honest ones.
Because everyone knows that secrets aren't good for children, and
closed places aren't healthy places in which to grow any living being.
Bumping this up.
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Hey, Grace! I think it's awesome that you're searching ahead like you are and getting things out of the way. Steven and I did the same thing and conquored each thing one at a time. I had lists everywhere keeping me organized with what I needed, what was due next, etc.
Yes, letters of reference need to be non-related. It's okay if they haven't seen you around kids. I had one from friends of the family who have 7 kids and could attest to how I was with children. The other was from my boss (who'd never seen me around kids). I think we also had one from one of my good friends. I think the main thing is that someone can attest to how you are as a person, talk about how they feel you'll be as parents, etc. It's nothing too big. For one agency, we had a letter from our pastor. My mother also had the chance to write a letter about us at that point. It might be very healing for your family to have the chance to feel like they are contributing to your journey in some way. Even if it's not required at Abrazo, asking a family member who's especially involved (or who you might want to nudge into being more involved) could be a good addition to your application.
Not sure about the family physician part... I know we had to go to a family physician to get a TB (tuburculosis) test at some point in the process and also to get a well check/physical saying we were fit health-wise to become parents. It could have something to do with that.
I'll have to check, but maybe earlier in this thread people threw out some suggestions of what could get done ahead of time. I'll look back through some posts and re-post what I find. Also, if you PM me your email address, I can email you a few profile samples so you can get a head start playing around with things if you'd like.
Oh, one thing you could go ahead and get is a letter from your infertility doctor stating (in no uncertain terms) that you guys are "infertile." That was a painful part of the process for me, seeing it in writing like that, but there was also a part of me that felt thankful that it qualified us for Abrazo. I'm not sure if you've already had to send that in, but if not, it will need to go with the application. It takes some doctors a few weeks to prepare things like that, so it wouldn't hurt to call and be very clear that you need a letter that bluntly states the fact.
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Congratulations to this newly formed family. It's hard to believe what might have been, had plans not changed for everyone involved. Wishing you all a lifetime of openness and boundless love for your sweet boy!
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Leah, you said everything I wanted to say... just better. I'm glad to read more about your family's struggle with infertility.
I can remember, during the PIW phase, thinking we'd have a Hispanic child with dark hair and dark eyes. That's just always how I pictured my child. This could be, in part, because of the opportunity we had 2 weeks into our journey with Abrazo, with an already-born 17-month-old little Hispanic girl with dark hair and dark eyes. She was, from then forward, how I envisioned my future child. Of course as y'all know, I ended up with a blonde-haired, light brown-eyed BOY! Even though I'd envisioned my child in a different way, it wasn't my expectation. I wasn't let down. I was surprised! But oddly enough, I never thought about how I wished a child to be in terms of traits or abilities. I don't know what that says about me! My only real hope was that we had a child who would be emotionally equipped to handle whatever adoption heartache might come his/her way in life and that they would grow to love us as much as we loved him/her. That's the only ability I really prayed for.
I wouldn't choose to grow a child in my garden (literally nor figuratively!) to my specifications because I think that's part of the excitement with adoption and with the birth of a new life in general. It's also a little bit about what's scary, and maybe moreso for adoptive parents? I can't be sure of that. But I do think that dreaming about the thousands of possibilities of how your child might look - just the sheer unknown of that (before you're matched, especially) - is one of the most exciting parts of the process. Hopefully, in open adoption, you can guess what they might inherit (being good at sports, having rhythm, having a good singing voice, etc) both good AND "bad," but there is never any way of knowing since all people grow up with a mix of nature and nurture. It's such a miracle seeing my son grow into the person he is. I think it makes me even more determined to be the best I can be with the "nurture" role I can play.
I do grieve sometimes not being able to see my husband physically in a child (those kind eyes, especially), but I DO see him when I look at Oliver all the time. Oliver's manorisms and humor are so reflective of Steven. I also grieve not being able to have a child who might have it "easier," not having to feel all of the painful emotions that can come along with once being adopted.
I don't know whether or not we'll go and see the movie. It depends on whether or not I'm feeling brave and can take the emotions that might come from it at the time AND whether or not we can get away to see a movie (it's probably been a year now!)
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Hoping the boot doesn't slow you down too much and definitely sending some prayers Lauranda's way!
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Lauranda and I pickled three jars of jalapenos.. well she did most of the work
, I cleaned up 
...we'll have to wait a few weeks to see how they come out...I'll let her taste them though 
keeping fingers crossed...Oh, I can't wait to hear how they turn out! I love pickled jalapenos... I'm hoping Ollie loves spicy food as much as we do because I swear I could eat anything if it had a jalapeno on top!
Your camp donations were BEAUTIFUL, Mari! Monica looked like a very happy lady when she won them! They were gorgeous!
Sure would love to meet you and Lauranda at camp one year!! -
Go, Abrazochicks! Hope this sweet baby girl grows up surrounded by love and respect from everyone in her family!
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Ugh.. Too busy to have a child "of her own." I see... Should be a rude wakeup call! But then again, after Hugh Hefner, she's probably used to changing diapers. Sorry! Had to go there... Too easy.
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Abrazo sure has been busy... and just before camp! Congratulations, Ryan and Becky, on the arrival of your son! As Dyna would say: "boyz rock!"
Prayers for this little guy's first family as well!
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That made me cry! Airi and John, you are such a deserving couple of such a miracle. You've shown such tremendous grace and you've cheered everyone else on along their journeys. I hope you'll forever stay with the forum, sharing the wisdom I know you'll keep learning along the way.
You're going to be such amazing parents, and such a dear friend to your daughter's birthmom!
I'm so happy for you!
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Talked to someone else today who's been accepted to the August orientation... another Memphis couple! Makes me want to jump on-board to have the first nearly all-Memphis orientation group!
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I'm not 100% sure if it is required. I saw it mentioned on this page: http://abrazo.org/wa...arent-homework/ .
Just not sure if there's some required paperwork to turn in upon its completion.
I probably should've prefaced that we are trying our best to get as much checked off of our list before next month's orientation. This might be a question for me to send to the home office or simply wait until orientation to find out.
Thanks for the insight!
The biggest lesson I learned about profiles (we asked lots of "been there, done that" folks for input) was more photos, less text. Let these expectant parents get a visual of your life. From there, they can decide whether or not they want to hear more straight from you.
We read as much on the forum as possible to get our home study (TX approved) out of the way. We were ready with a completed profile on day 1. Within two weeks of what would have been our orientation weekend (ours was cancelled), we were took our first phone call.
Homework is definitely something you can go ahead and get started on. "Book reports" or classes make for good homework assignments. Read a book and write a couple of pages about your thoughts or theme your paper around something (kinda like a term paper, only with less documentation and siting... and only one source + your personal thoughts). You can also watch a movie and write a paper about that. It's always helpful (and more meaningful) for both you and your husband to include thoughts in your writing. Classes can be done locally... we used Methodist hospital for our CPR class. It was held at Methodist Germantown in a little building behind the hospital that looks like a house. It only took a couple of hours. We asked for our pay stub and included that on our write-up of what we learned at the class. You can sign up for their classes by calling the hospital and asking for a contact name/#.
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Thanks for the help, y'all!
One other question. Could someone assist with filling us in on the CPR info...which course is the one we need to take & is there a preferred way to take the course?
Is there something in your paperwork that says you need to take a CPR class? Maybe this has been added since we went through in 2010, but we voluntarily took a CPR class as one of our homework assignments (which you'll hear more about at orientation). We took it through a local hospital and sat in a class full of pregnant women and held CPR babies and learned about other general infant safety.
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Mari - I wanted to comment on every last one of those photos! Your story in particular makes me emotional... just the fact that Sloane is surrounded by so much love is so amazing. The support your daughter has from you guys and the involvement you have in Sloane's life makes me feel so proud of open adoption if that makes sense? You guys are a really amazing family.
Lots of love to you. And thank you for sharing the pictures!!
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Well, today was an exceptionally wonderful day. Tim and I got the call we were hoping for! We were invited to orientation in August and are booking our flight from Memphis now! This is such an exciting time and we feel so blessed. Now we will work to finish everything up with our home study before orientation! On a side note, the yellow turned out beautifully.
YAY! Congratulations!!! You must have been so excited! Your journey is officially starting.
You should start a journal as soon as you can... it's these early days that I wish I'd documented better here on the forum. It's a perspective we don't get good insight into nearly enough - though the last couple of orientation groups have jumped in and started early journals!!Are you guys in Memphis?? There are a ton of us here.
We'd love to meet you guys if I read your post right and you guys are Memphians! -
Reading through this particular topic & some of the topics surrounding, it's hard to tell if anyone else is at the exact same stage of "the checklist" as we are.
It's very encouraging to see the majority of folks are in the "been there, done that" category and are simply choosing to participate in the forum with the people looking to follow in their footsteps.
When friends & family find out what you are doing, it's amazing how quickly many of them race to the attic to search for baby clothes regardless of how long ago they had children using them. It will be interesting to see if anyone goes wayyy back and comes up with Smurfs, Strawberry Shortcake, or (gasp) Charlie's Angels.
From what I've noticed over the past couple of years on the forum is that people don't usually jump in before orientation. We sure did and I read everything I could get my hands on. I can tell you that being prepared throughout this experience and making knowledge your best friend works strongly in your favor. It makes you more confident and committed to your decisions. The "been there, done that" group of folks not only stick around to be there for people looking to follow in their footsteps, but we all gain strength from each other. Adoption - especially open adoption - isn't easy and we all learn from each other. We're here to celebrate each other's successes and provide support when things are hard. We hold regional meet-ups and Abrazo holds a camp in the summertime. This extended family gives our children a way to stay connected to other children who share a similar history. One of the many reasons that we'll stick with Abrazo as we grow our family is because of this forum and what it provides.
I wish more people would jump in at the same phase you're in. It can only work in your favor! Few things in life are more important or monumental than this. I think it deserves more focus and determination than anything and the forum is a wealth of information that can make you not only a better parent, but a better friend to the woman who brings your child into this world.
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As for the name, the story isn't all that remarkable I'm afraid. It just stuck with us for a few years after misspelling it while playing Guitar Hero.
Leslie
We've had a couple of things stick with us from funny misspellings.Welcome to the forum, Leslie. Please send me a private message if you have any trouble figuring out how to add your photo. Basically, if you just go to your profile, there's a black box in the top right that says "edit my profile." There are lots of options from there that you can choose to personalize your profile (including a photo for your profile page, an avatar, your location, and a signature... so we can see your name and your husband's name, and where you are in the process!) What part of the country are you from?
It's such a different process when you have support and an extended family around you. The forum is great for that, so I'm glad you're here!
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Welcome! What's your name? We're looking forward to cheering you on along your journey! It's really neat to look back on this thread and see who spoke up and said hello, then think about the babies they have today! Both Allie and Marae from the past few pages have sweet baby girls now!
Looking forward to getting to know you better and good luck with this part of the journey! Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings!
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Susan... so happy to hear you were all able to get together! I'd love to hear how Joshua felt before and after the visit. I know there are many of us on the forum who have children with birthsiblings they may or may not be able to meet while they're young, but I know most of us hope and pray this might happen. I'm also interested to hear how you felt... were you able to see Joshua's features, manorisms, etc. in his birth brother and sister?
Really glad this was possible!!
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What!!!!! Wow, Abrazo!!!! You've been so busy! Congratulations to yet another newly-formed family and prayers for the birthparents who grieve their loss.
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Oh, that gave me chills....
Congratulations to another family today... I can't believe we're seeing two baby announcements on the same day. This must have been such a painful and difficult decision for this mother, so I pray that she feels peace in her heart and that the entire birth family is able to rally together to gather strength from each other. Congratulations to this newly formed family!
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Congratulations, Josh and Kara! Very excited for your new family.
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What a cute title.
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We're all so thrilled for your family, Nicole. I know Keyheria's birthmother has found a great friendship in you that will last a lifetime. Enjoy your time in Dallas!!
The Trimesters of Adoption
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Bumping this up again! It's a good one!