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RHSegura

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Posts posted by RHSegura

  2. Family Opposition?

    in The Family Room

    Posted

    Deb,

    Just so you don't feel alone... my family also was a little hesitant about adoption also. In some ways, our telling them about our infertility seemed to be a bigger blow for them than us. Maybe it was because we slowly worked through that on our own and then talked in detail about adoption also before telling them. So maybe it just caught them off guard, while we had be gradually working through things.

    I will say that in my mind there seems to be a generational gap in understanding open adoption too. Not all my family "gets it" but recently my mom has asked more how M and her girls are doing and has said she respects us for keeping that relationship. I just feel like it is not what they experienced in their exposure to adoption as children and growing up.

    My extended family is all in the deep south, and there are definitely some differences in the way they feel in racial things and the way that we do. I do believe some of them were taken back that I married a Hispanic (ohhh, scandalous, right!? :)) But I will say they seem to have grown and come a long way. I did have concerns that if we did adopt a black child that there might be some eyebrows raised at first (and we were totally open to that idea) but I felt that as soon as they laid eyes on any child that became a part of our family that they would melt. They have all embraced the two we have been blessed with. I definitely agree that education is the key...

    • Upvote 1

  7. Church Chat

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    So... I am just curious... how much did being an adoptive family factor into you choosing a church?

    When we moved from Louisville to Lexington we already had Luke. We were hopeful to find a place that would be child-friendly in general (and adoption friendly was a bonus!)

    We found an amazing place that has embraced our kids and our family. Our kids literally disappear when we come in because someone wants to hold them or help take them to their nursery or class. They have tons of wonderful activities for the kids and we hope ours will enjoy them as they grow.

    It has amazed me too... I have not once been asked an insensitive infertility question. Adoption is celebrated... when a family adopts they and their new little one are introduced just like a family that has given birth would be. It just feels like a comfortable balance where we are not "the family that adopted" but yet adoption is accepted and celebrated. There are other adoptive families, foster families, mixed race families, and everything in between. I feel like our kids will never feel out of place there.

    We were there yesterday and I am just so thankful for such a safe and caring community so I thought I'd share. :)

  8. Just Because You're Adopting Doesn't Mean You're Not Expecting!

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted · Edited by RHSegura

    I recently was reading on an open adoption discussion and the use of the phrase "paper pregnant" was being discussed. It was quite heated back and forth as some like the phrase and some were saying how horrible and disrespectful it is.

    It is not a phrase we used in our adoption journeys, but I also don't think that most people that use the phrase mean any harm at all. I think with all things adoption there are so many emotions and sensitivities that make some terms or phrases disliked depending what position you are in.

    Has anyone used this phrase and had someone have a bad reaction to it? Just curious.

  9. A Birth Grandmother's Role

    in BirthGrandparents & Important Others

    Posted

    Three years ago today, my daughter, her dad and I welcomed a beautiful little (much too little and much too early) angel girl into this world. Soon after, we were joined by her future parents and our new extended family, who also welcomed her with loving arms. It's amazing how much this little angel has impacted our lives, the love we have for our sweet girl is immeasurable. Not long after my daughter and I became a part of another extended family, this forum. The love and support shown by many of you were/is a source of strength. Thank you.

    Happy 3rd Birthday beautiful Sloane, may God bless you with many, many more.

    For all You have given us, Thank You God.

    For all You have permitted, Thank You God.

    For all You have prevented, Thank You God.

    For all You have prepared us for, Thank You God.

    For the precious little girl who has a tight loving grip on our hearts, Thank You God.

    For having created us to love You for eternity, Thank You God.

    Happy 3rd birthday to a very loved and treasured little girl!

  10. Food for Thought for Busy Parents

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted · Edited by RHSegura

    This article has gone around on FB, but I thought I'd share it here. I enjoyed it. I know as an adoptive parent that so appreciates my blessings, that sometimes it is hard to admit how hard parenting can be. The hardness doesn't take away from the joy, but it is one of the hardest (and yet most rewarding) experiences in life! I'm just pasting it so the link won't go bad:

    Don't Carpe Diem

    Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

    An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

    Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

    I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

    I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

    And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

    Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

    At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

    That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

    There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

    I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

    Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

    That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

    Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

    My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

    But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

    "It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

    Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

    Here's what does work for me:

    There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

    Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

    Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

    Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

    Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

    These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

    If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

    Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

    Good enough for me.

    BY: Glennon Melton

    Any thoughts?

    • Upvote 2

  12. The Myths, Misconceptions, Facts, & Reality of Open Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    There are notorious baby brokers who will say anything anyone wants to hear, sadly. We do know of situations where potential birthmothers were promised by despicable adoption workers that they "could get the baby back in a year" if they'd let the baby go with an adoptive couple at birth, or where they were told that "open adoption is like foster care," only to find out later that of course, they had absolutely no legal rights to seek custody or reclaim their child later. She is clearly being induced to place by an agency with no ethics whatsoever and we hope she will consult an independent attorney to find out what the adoption laws really say in her locale.

    It is so sad that people would take advantage during such a sensitive time. I am thankful that the adoptive parents giving her advice were guiding her in the right way and trying to give her resources that would tell her the truth and help her explore her options.

  14. The Myths, Misconceptions, Facts, & Reality of Open Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Just curious anyone's thoughts on this topic...

    On an adoption page I "liked" on FB, there is a young girl asking some questions about adoption. She appears to be a teenager and she wants to place, but she wants every other weekend "rights." As in, she wants to have the baby with her every other weekend. Most of the adoptive parents are encouraging her to parent if that is what she has in mind, and to maybe seek out some relatives to help her while she is still young. They are telling her that open adoptions don't usually work quite this way and have tried to explain that placing a child is a permanent decision and that even in an open adoption she would have no legal rights. She has said that an agency has told her that this would be no problem and can easily be done. I do not feel like that is something as a parent I could lock into (and we do have an open adoption, so obviously it is not about not wanting to be open!).

    Any thoughts?

  15. Spiritual Enrichment

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    Here's a few passages and some quotes that might help! The book listed at the end is one I saw recommended but I have not read it so you might want to before recommending it.

    Colossians 3:13

    Matthew 18:21-35

    Proverbs 20:22

    I had the choice to either grow up and find God in the situation or become bitter. I chose to find God. And I experienced freedom like I never knew before.

    Heather Mercer - Christian Aid Worker who was imprisoned in Afghanistan, 2001.

    Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right, it makes you free.

    Stormie Omartian

    Forgiveness is God's invention for coming to terms with a world in which people are unfair to each other and hurt each other deeply. He began by forgiving us. And He invites us all to forgive each other.

    Lewis B. Smedes

    Forgiveness brings freedom - freedom from being controlled by the past, freedom from the emotional ties to the offender, freedom from the continual inner conflicts of bitterness and hate, freedom to become whole and enjoy the fullness of life.

    Jeanette Vought

    When we choose to forgive the victory is attainable. When bad things happen, good CAN come out of it! Romans 8:28 declares it is so! My life declares it is so and I am not alone in that statement. So many people have looked evil in the face and said, "I will find good in this." Some times the evil and bad things are changed or converted or whatever and sometimes it is US that is changed. But ALL things work for good and can bring about change for the good.

    Elizabeth Fabiani

    A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is - a biting of oneself. We think that we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves.

    Eli E. Stanley

    How to Forgive . . . When You Don't Feel Like It

    By June Hunt / Harvest House Publishers

    • Upvote 2

  16. Try Skype!

    in The Family Room

    Posted

    We use Skype with our families, and also with Luke's sister Sofia. Luke loves to watch her latest gymnastics flips and she likes to talk to him or watch him play. It's a great way to stay in touch. We've mentioned it to M so hopefully in the future that might be another way to stay in touch with her as well!

  18. Preparing the Relatives

    in The Family Room

    Posted · Edited by RHSegura

    It never ceases to amaze me how these sweet babies have a way of melting hearts! We have seen it in our own family even with the most skeptical members! Sometimes it seems to take actually seeing the children and interacting with them to see how adoption can work. So glad you got that note in the mail and that it was a positive first vist (though long overdue!).

  20. Honoring Birth Siblings

    in BirthGrandparents & Important Others

    Posted

    I am so thankful for the relationship that is forming with Andrew's birthsisters, E and A. They have started to feel comfortable contacting us on their own. Sometimes it is something like sending a silly picture of celery that they made into a flower and sometimes it is just asking me to give a kiss to their little brother for them. I am so thankful in this case for the openess and freedom they feel in the relationship.

    We are trying to think of some cute Christmas gifts. I just talked to M and she laughed because they are having a hard enough time figuring out what to get them... all they want is cash, gift cards and electronics (all obviously no no's for us!)

    A likes crafts a lot so we were thinking to get her a cute scrapbook and some supplies like the paper and stickers and a ton of photos so that she could craft her own book. Bonus she loves monkeys and I saw a sock monkey scrapbook that was adorable!

    For E we found out from M that her room is black and white with pink. So we are going to try to make some kind of framed picture that would include his pic and handprints or something like that to go in her room.

    I have been scouring Pinterest looking for some cute ideas and have found some. I also got some things to make some cute ornaments. Now where is the time to make all this stuff??!??! :P

  21. For Birthfamily Members Who Didn't Know

    in BirthGrandparents & Important Others

    Posted

    I felt a pain in my heart when I read Elizabeth's post.

    We, too, have birthfamily who do not know (about) us, yet.

    There is always pain with secrets in adoption.

    Karen

    Us too, from our first adoption. It is hard to think of Grandmas, aunts, uncles, etc. that have no idea of an adorable little curly haired boy related to them. We don't know who knows, but as far as we know it was all kept from extended family. I hope that one day should things open up, maybe it will open up all the way (wishful thinking, I know... but I keep hoping).

    One thing special about our second adoption was having the family members present. It does make me sad that M's mom passed away so she will not know her birthgrandson.

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