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RHSegura

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Posts posted by RHSegura

  4. Open Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Susan, I truly have been meaning to reply! I read on my tablet but it is a pain to type on, and days go by I am not on my desktop! :)

    I struggle in finding that balance between focusing too much on the positive or negative side of adoption. After Andrew's placement, I was struggling with that "survivors guilt"so deeply and sort of immersed myself in the anti-adoption world. I almost felt like I was punishing myself or something and it was not a good place to be. But I feel like I did learn a lot and and hopefully a better, more sympathetic person for reading what I did. But I can't stay in that and cheerfully raise my children.

    My resolve and hope right now is to take each day at a time. Hopefully not with blinders on, but also not with the negative attitude that my kids are going to have tons of adoption problems. They might, but we can cross that bridge when we get there. I don't want to superimpose things that are not there, but also not ignore things that ARE there. I guess we just pray for discernment and will try to be as well prepared as possible. I agree - that if we lived in a perfect world adoption would not be necessary. I am all for making adoption as ethical as possible, but I don't think it can or should totally be done away with!

    I worry about my oldest because we do not have that open relationship. He has siblings in the birthfamily, and he has his sister in an adoptive family. She is being raised differently and she has the best of absolutely everything... I worry that he will wish he had been adopted by them. (I have expressed this to S's mom, not saying this behind their back!) Then we have such an open relationship with our youngest and he has two siblings there, though much older. I just try to remember that for everything he is missing with them, he does have a brother that he wouldn't have and his birthmom made the choice for him for his best. His sisters have confirmed over and over they are at peace and this was right for him and they are happy for him. But we do the best we can to keep that relationship alive and well until he can make the choices in that relationship.

    It makes me sad to read how open adoption can be hard, but every relationship in life comes with difficulties and complications! On my best days I trust that God has a purpose and that He will fill my kids hearts with love and appreciation for all they have been given (though obviously at a cost). I hope that I can always provide with them with the tools they need to work through feelings and disappointments. I pray that I never become jealous or possessive to try to keep them from that relationship with ANY of their family.

  13. Baby Announcements 2013

    in New Arrivals

    Posted

    What a precious announcement and congratulations to both families on joining together for the good of these children. Wow, a new son and daughter! Sounds like a leap of faith for both families and many prayers for a smooth adjustment period.

  17. How Long Did You Wait? Why Abrazo?

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    We researched several agencies before coming to Abrazo. One reason we initially came to them was that we met a couple (a neighbor!) that had adopted through them and had good things to say. Just seeing someone with a successful adoption was very helpful to us as we were contemplating what path to take.

    We liked that Abrazo had an orientation. We not only learned but built friendships and a support system with the other couples. That has been invaluable in my mind. Those friendships (and what we learned about open adoption) is what just motivated us to drive 3,000 plus miles for Camp Abrazo - a yearly reunion (you'll see lots of photos being posted!). I've never heard of another agency that helps couples find common ground with other couples and encourages those friendships.

    We liked that Abrazo taught us about open adoption and how it could benefit the child. We weren't opposed to the idea, but we didn't know very much about how it could work.

    Top priority for us was to find an ethical agency that would not use coercive practices with vulnerable, newly delivered mothers. We desperately wanted to be parents, but in our hearts we wanted to do it the right way and according to the law... but also with ethical compassion. We believe we found that with Abrazo. Will some moms choose to parent instead of place? Yes. But you will have confidence that a child that needs you will come to you.

    Our first time around we attended orientation in February 2010 and were placed with a beautiful baby boy the following month in March. This is UNUSUAL! But it goes to show that once you jump in you just need to be ready! We do not have an open adoption with his birthparents by their choice, but we have a friendship with the family that adopted his full biological sister. Our second time around a sweet boy came to us just before we were set to attend our second orientation. Again, that is pretty unusual but it is just the way it happened. Right now our first son is 3, and our second son will be 2 in July. We have a fully open adoption with his birthmother and her family. They attended camp with us this year. Both adoptions are totally different but we are so grateful for our sons.

    Hope that helps! Each of our experiences are different, but it is good to see the many different ways things can unfold. It is definitely a roller coaster ride, but well worth it.

  22. Baby Announcements 2013

    in New Arrivals

    Posted

    So happy that this precious mom found Abrazo and had the chance to choose such a wonderful family for Joshua and to see him as he grows! So happy for you Chris, Judy and big sis!! Blessings to all of you, and comfort to Joshua's birthmom during this time!

  24. Destiny, Divine Intervention Or Wishful Thinking?

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires?

    That's a question being raised by some in the wake of the Baby Teleah case.

    The currently-pending controversy is pitting the rights of a military husband (and admitted agnostic) who never consented to his wife's decision to flee Texas and place their daughter for adoption in Utah, against the alleged spiritual entitlement of a Mormon adoptive couple who have been ordered by the courts to return that child, who is nearly two years old.

    Here's a thoughtful blog by another LDS parent, about statements made by Teleah's would-be adoptive parents regarding their conviction that God wants her for their family:

    It's risky business, presuming we know what God intends when it comes to fertility, unplanned pregnancy and adoption. And it's human nature to seek answers and to want what we want for ourselves to be what God wants for us, as well.

    Adoptive Families magazine raised the question not long ago: http://www.adoptivef...les.php?aid=363. Even the venerable New York Times recently took on the question of whether adoption is more about destiny or magical thinking? http://parenting.blo...gical-thinking/. Do we look for "signs" that God put our adoption together to assure ourselves of some cosmic seal of approval? Would a loving God wish miscarriage or infertility on us just to make adoptions happen-- and if God is completely in charge, why would God need to go to such lengths at all? Do adopting families only get the children God intended for them (and if so, does that mean disrupted adoptions are sinful?) Or does God allow the element of human liberty and free will to take precedence in adoption planning, loving and watching over us regardless of the results?

    Adoptive dad Shaun Groves (http://simplemom.net...-has-taught-me/) cites a brother-in-law who thoughtfully asks "what if God's will for our lives is found wherever someone's need and our abilities intersect?" (This, however, incites the age-old debate of why those who claim their motivation to adopt is solely child-centered don't just devote the funds they would spend towards adoption to financially enable an expectant mother to parent and not place?)

    Yet if destiny/divine intervention is responsible for determining what happens and what doesn't, then does that suggest that it is somehow Fate that certain parents are destined to suffer adoption loss, and if so, how does that fit with the concept of a benevolent Creator, who wants only the best for our lives? http://www.adoptionb...-a-birthmother/. To what extent should expectant parents seek Heavenly guidance when considering their adoption options and choosing a family, and how can they know if the answers they find are from God or not?

    And what does this mean to persons-once-adopted? Certainly there are adoptees who believe that their upbringing and their adoptive families were truly chosen for them by God, and who rightfully see God's loving hand in the open adoption relationships between their respective families.

    But what about those who feel called to question the process by which they became part of a family who feels they were divinely entitled to shut out the birthfamily? Here's one adoptee's response (and we warn you, it's not exactly warm and fuzzy: http://landofgazilli...t-of-gods-plan/... and here's another, rather scathing indictment of the adoption "industry" as a whole: http://neverforgotte...adoption-world/. )

    I don't have the answers to all the questions raised herein. (Sorry if you were hoping otherwise...) Still, I do think as people of faith, they're questions worth discussing and quandaries worth exploring.

    I do believe that God watches over those who place, those who adopt, and those who live with the choices of both. I trust that Abrazo's efforts have been blessed by God, imperfect as we are, and I cling to the age-old wisdom of the Scriptures, in which we are assured that God has left nothing to chance, however limited our vision may be at times?! And I cling to the wisdom of my father, who always assured me that "out of a web of human emotions and events, some of which seem good to us and some of which may not, God IS bringing God's purposes to pass!"

    What do YOU think?

    I've been thinking about this post a lot, which is good, I think! I definitely don't have all the answers either.

    I will be honest, in our first adoption it all seemed rather simple. Simplified because we did not meet Luke's birthmother. We did not witness her pain. We did not hear her cry. We did not see the love and raw emotion. I have no doubt it was there, but we didn't see it and she and her husband did not choose to meet us. We simply went to the hospital, our arms were filled with an incredible baby boy and we came home. Yes, I cried for her, and not a single day goes by that I do not think of L and feel an outpouring of gratitude for entrusting us with that tiny bundle that is now almost 3. But I don't have anything concrete. I don't know her. I don't know where she is today. I think of conversations in my mind of what I want to say, but I haven't had that chance. I don't know if she is at peace with her decision, or if she regrets it. I'm not sure I'll ever know even though I hope one day to meet.

    With our second, I feel that Elizabeth's question came into play more in the forefront: "How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires?" We definitely knew we wanted to adopt again. We were preparing for orientation. I can honestly say (after MUCH soul searching of our motives) that we never once believed that we were entitled to another woman's baby or that we deserved a child. It always got under my skin when people told us we "deserved" a baby after all we had been through. We didn't deserve a baby. We don't deserve anything, but we are truly grateful for our blessings. We truly believe that in a perfect world there would be no need for adoption. But our world is so broken, life is hard, choices are hard and I do believe that adoption does solve a need when a woman is pregnant and not able to parent. We felt that we would start the process again and you know that we did have an opportunity much sooner than we had expected. I can say that getting to know M and knowing she was a capable parent of two made it much harder. We did match, taking her word and reasons that this was what she believed was best for A given the present circumstances. We prayed a lot about this match during the week. Rudy and I talked about how we needed to go down, be present for her and just be prepared for whatever would happen. I don't think either of us were convinced that she would place, but we did feel it was right to go and just be available. I know that we told her if her plans changed that we were ok with that and just to let us know. Did we want to adopt him? Of course! But we truly wanted it to be right. I remember praying over and over for God's will to be done, and for her to have the wisdom to make the best decision. I honestly didn't know what that was before the fact. She was firm in her conviction that this was best at the time. That is one reason we tried so hard to give her time alone with her family and that she would not feel pressured by us in any way, shape or form. I am sure we made mistakes but that truly was our heart and I felt God helped us while we were there. You know the rest of the story that she did place and it was agonizing. After later knowing how she felt about the decision after months went by, I felt my heart crumble. I did have doubts about whether God was truly in it. Now with some clarity, time and conversations we've had together, we have both agreed that our meeting and the adoption could not have just happened by chance and that God does have a purpose in it. I don't think that God "made" M relinquish to hurt her and cause her harm, but I believe from the bottom of my heart that He will use this experience in all of our lives to stretch us and make us more into who He wants us to be. I think that trials are given for our growing, and also so that we look forward more to heaven! If earth was so perfect, we'd not want to go to a better place.

    One thing I think of often is that we just see a glimpse right now, while God sees the bigger picture. He knows A's life from beginning to end, where we just know up until this point. Maybe all the reasons for him being placed in our family aren't even known yet. We don't even know what the next minute or hour will bring.

    I will add (going back to Elizabeth's original post) that I do not think we can do anything with adoption outside the law or using wrong tactics and cover that with "God told me to" or "God wants this child for my family" or anything like that. I think that is just a plain, rotten excuse for bad behavior. I don't know what that family in Utah was told or why they fought the biological father so long, but I do think we have to be careful not to excuse our own behavior.

    As far as signs, I think maybe it is better to think back on those rather than using them to confirm a decision. One neat thing about our adoption with Luke is that my birthday is March 9, Rudy's the 27th and Luke was born on the 18th - exactly half way between! Looking back that is kind of neat, but had he not been placed with us I don't think I could have looked back and said "it was meant to be and we must adopt him" based on that! When we were talking to M and she asked what sports we liked I mentioned about Rudy liking soccer (ok, being nuts for soccer! :) ) Her older daughter plays and we thought it was cool to have that in common. Did at the time that mean that she should place with us? No, I don't think so. But it still is a common tie that we have and it is nice (and she knows that Andrew will have the chance to play!) So, I guess I think it is fine to look back and see neat things but we need to be careful about using those things as subtle pressure beforehand. Does that even make sense?

    I personally feel that for our family we do have an extra responsibility to treat our kid's birth families with love and respect because that is what we see in the Bible and that is what we try to base our lives and actions off of (though imperfectly, of course!). I don't think we could ever (as the example mentioned above) close the adoption due to "divine direction." We see that it is taught to treat others the way we would want to be treated, and I can assure you I would not want an adoption closed if I had placed a child and the adoptive family had promised to keep in touch! So, I don't see how we could do that to another person.

    This got really long and hopefully at least some portion made sense! I definitely agree they are hard and good things to think through, but we may never have all the answers.

    I really like this quote posted above:

    "Yet when we find ourselves overwhelmed by challenges not of our choosing, it is God alone Who finds a way to bring redemption and joy out of some of the hardships and unimaginable sorrows that can befall us in this life. "

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