[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation….Part 8

Before long her sister’s wedding was upon us, just two weeks away, she had been going to counseling twice a month, her ob once a month; it would be nice to get away from all these appointments for a little while at least. Though the doctor appointments had started pretty routinely, during this one visit her ob’s office did the triple test (AFP), her dr. also felt it was ok to travel and since my daughter had been feeling so sick almost daily, before we traveled I made sure to secure smelling salt, ice packs and I prayed that she would be ok and would get through the 5 days we would be gone without any incidents. She didn’t want to bring suspicion to her situation, or dampen her sister’s celebration.

The following week just three days before we were due to leave, my daughter called me nervous and upset that the doctor’s office called her and she didn’t understand what they were telling her, but something was wrong with the baby, she wanted me to call and find out, they wanted her to have more test. I called the doctor’s office, results of her triple screening test had come back positive, which indicated that there was a possible problem with the baby, a neural tube defect, a defect of either the spine or abdominal wall. She was being referred to an ob specialist, and since we would be out of town for a few days, they were going to schedule it right after we returned. I asked to see if there was anyway they could get her in before we left town, but since it is a specialist, the appointments take a little longer, they could get her in at the end of the week, but not in the next two days. When I picked her up from school, we went home and I researched what this defect could be. If it was the spine, it could be Spina bifida, if it was the abdominal wall; it could mean that the intestines could be on the outside of the body. Okay, why in the world did I look this up? I certainly didn’t want my daughter to see this, so I just told her that maybe the test was a false positive, and I lied, told her that I couldn’t find anything specific on this. We were adding up worries pretty quickly with her pregnancy.

Though she spent 3 of the 5 days not feeling well, some of it I think was thinking about the test results and the appointment coming up when we got back home, she came out like a trooper on the day of the wedding. We made it through, two more events to go and at least the stress level for all these would soon subside. On are way back to to face the “real world’ again. We also hadn’t told anyone that she was attending a different school, all her high school aged cousins went to different schools, so that was easy to avoid for a little while. Keeping or I like to look at it more as guarding her/our situation was a lot of work. I didn’t like it much, but the other side would have made it more uncomfortable for my daughter, and even though she got herself into this (well, sort of herself), I didn’t want her to feel worse then she already did.

Almost immediately upon our return home, on top of the concerns with the previous AFP test, we also had the pending new test on our minds, now it was frustrating to add to the mix the rumor mill that was working overtime. I knew it eventually would, I just didn’t know back then when it hit the press if up will, that other more serious things were going to be happening. I received a call from my sister the night before my daughter’s first appointment with the ob specialist, she was on her way home from attending a planning meeting for a fundraiser (people in attendance were not anyone, my daughter nor I were very close to or had talked to in many months) and she was upset about questions she was being asked about her niece, and that my daughter had supposedly confided in the child of one of these people, though she wouldn’t reveal who she heard from that my daughter was pregnant and attending a different school, she asked if it was true, or really she said “it isn’t true is it? I told them they didn’t know what they were talking about”. My sister was looking for confirmation that the stories were not so, and I can understand this, I guess I would have done the same had it been one of my nieces or nephews. At that moment I was on the bridge, the bridge I had said weeks ago we would cross when we came to it. Well do I cross? Nope, not just yet, I think I will wait at my end a little while longer, so I told her I appreciated her call, didn’t deny nor confirm or remark on the comments, I only told her I would let my daughter know. I didn’t want to tell her over the phone and to top it off she was driving, I didn’t want something to happen and I would feel guilty. See, my sister doesn’t handle stressful things well, she gets all worked up with the slightest thing, I could just picture her with this news. My daughter had already been getting messages from people at her previous school, and many of the rumors started by kids she didn’t associate with and others by people who were suppose to be her friends, I told her not to respond to them, just ignore them, but my defiant teen, she would sometimes get into battle of words with these kids.. I would get so frustrated with her and tell her to let it go, but like I had mentioned earlier, she had this need to have THAT LAST WORD. I had also started getting emails, some were congratulation ones, or voice messages on my cell that they (the caller) was just wanting to see how I/we were doing, again from a few people who I hadn’t talked to or seen in some cases in more then a year, these people had no idea what I/we had been going through. They apparently didn’t know me/us very well, what made them think that congratulations were in order or appropriate. I didn’t bother to respond, I followed my own advise to my daughter, though I can’t say I wasn’t’ tempted to fire off at that moment, so I guess now I knew how my daughter felt, I just have a little or at least tiny more discipline of restrain. I felt they did not need a response, I knew they were just fishing for information. Whether it was right or wrong, not to reply, I really didn’t care at the time; I had more important things on my mind, they were at the bottom of my list, no, actually they weren’t on my list at all.

To be continued.....

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Mari, you are such an amazing woman and such a prolific writer... even knowing your story as I do, I marvel at your strength and courage, and the resilience of the human spirit. (I see so much of you in your daughter!) I hope you give some thought to sharing your story with a wider audience (perhaps as an article for Adoptive Families magazine?) because I think you have much to teach us all!

Elizabeth, I most definitely appreciate the vote of confidence regarding my woman side..I lost count how many times I have questioned my abilities and choices as a mother. I think we all as parents really have the best intentions for our children and have a certain picture in our mind of how their life will be and unfold….the hard part is what we do once they DETOUR from Our NOT Their plan. We know a child doesn’t come with written instructions or a life time guarantee that they will be perfect, but then again who is. We have to take baby steps sometimes even when we feel like running and learn as we go, and pray that we are making the best choices for those we love. It is wonderful to have new friends in my/our life that let us be us. Blessings, Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

You keep me hanging on by a thread....like a mouse for that small bite of cheese......loving your dialogue/story. Please continue I keep learning from you.

xoxo, Amy

Amy,,,,,with your post, I have to say you gave both my daughter and I a good laugh (this is a good thing), one that we really had needed for a while..I didn't realize that Our Story was unfolding as you described it, it is just very, VERY difficult for me to get through too much at one time.. Don’t mean to keep anyone on the edge of their seats if that’s what I am doing. Most of you probably figured out by now who my grand-baby’s new and loving parents are, and that there is a Wonderful out come for them, for her and yes us.. I am just sharing the journey with detours and bumps it took to get her to where she is and the post placement from our side. Thank you for adding a light moment to our day. Blessings,

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation….Part 7

I kept wondering if my daughter would be able to handle the adoption, loosing her child, would the heartache be too much for her. I prayed for God to guide us, to show us the way, I would find myself asking him for the answers to those questions at all hours of the day or night. If only I knew, but we don’t and can’t know until that time comes, and that was the frustrating part for me. Is my child, my baby going to be ok, how I wish I had the answer right then and there. I had to get past that in my head, in the pit of my stomach and my heart. I also had to get past that the decision of adoption was not going to be taken very well within our family, I knew at least on my side, because this was something new ( teenage pregnancy ) for us to personally experience, it would not be a popular choice. I was not really sure on her dad’s side, we really didn’t spend much time with them, I guess I just wasn’t too concerned with all of them, it was more with my mom. She had just turned 75, even though she was healthy I (we) didn’t know what it would do to her; and we really didn’t want to find out. My daughter didn’t want to see the disappointment in her grandma either and she was afraid to tell her. Heck, I was afraid to tell her.

During a family dinner to celebrate my daughter’s & nephew’s 16 and my mom’s 75 b-day, my mom and I were talking about the school friend who had passed away, my sister made the comment “didn’t she go out of town to have her kid and just gave it away” ..I corrected her memory of the situation and what really happened and continued to talk to my mom; luckily my daughter was sitting at the end of a large table with my sister in law, and her little cousins. I was seeing red with my sister, with her tone, her judgment (facial expressions made) and the insensitivity with her comments stabbed at me like a knife, but it was like..DING, DING, DING, bells, sirens and flashing red lights went off in my head, yeah, we were making the right choice in not saying anything, we were going to delay telling the family as long as we could.

Meanwhile I researched legal guardianship just in case, also researched what needed to be done to terminate parental rights of the ex. I wanted to make sure I had as much information as possible for whatever came up next or might come up. If my daughter decided to keep the baby, I knew she would need a lot of help to be able to continue attending school and care for her child. I didn’t try to discourage her from the adoption plan; I just wanted to be as prepared as possible, I didn’t share with her, or her dad, my research for legal guardianship. They had been having a difficult relationship for the last several years, I think because they are so much alike, they each have to have the last word, or contradict each other, if she said something was white he would say it was cream or vise versa. They both constantly challenged each other’s point of view. I knew if she kept the baby, the tension between them would be more intense because she would struggle with parenting due to her age and he would want to take over, causing even more problems. I was concerned with putting the baby in the middle of their battles. On the one hand I wanted her to keep the baby, but on the other I knew that she couldn’t be a fulltime parent yet. It was driving me crazy; I felt like I/ we couldn’t move forward, I was so torn and conflicted with everything. I hurt for my child and for the day that would come when she would relinquish her rights, I almost detested those three POWERFUL words. Those questions that made my head throb, would she be able to do it? Was it going to destroy her? Would she be able to recover and find peace with her decision? These are all questions that I asked daily; there was no escape from my thoughts.

When my daughter sometimes talked about keeping the baby, getting a job and providing for her child, and also continuing with school, as gently as I could, I would try to explain and paint a mental picture for her, that even with a two parent household, with two mature adults it was sometimes difficult to juggle everything, and knowing that she didn’t want our help, because it was her responsibility, how would she manage? I knew for her it was also a little wishful thinking. Those different possibilities, it was like being in that place, “between a rock and a hard place”, (never really understood that saying), but between two very huge difficult and overwhelming solid walls she would hit no matter the choice she made. Keeping her baby would certainly diminish her/our pain and heart ache, but she wouldn’t be able to give her baby everything she wanted for her child, she probably felt like her heart was getting pulled in opposite directions. It would have been easier on the heart to keep her child, but what about in the long run? Even if our days at times felt like they were turned inside out and upside down, I knew we had to keep considering the best-case scenario, a different possibility today, a positive possibility each day, was going to have to be our road map and our goal.

To be continued.....

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation ….Part 6

Though it had only been a few weeks that had gone by since my daughter dropped her bomb, it felt like it had been an eternity, we had been in a wind tunnel going round and round fighting against the gust. I tried to get on with life as normal as possible, and encouraged my daughter to do the same. A couple of weeks before the news, I had returned from a week with her sister out of state helping her plan her upcoming wedding that would take place in a couple of months. I banked on the fact that I had been busy helping my niece and her mom with a 15 b-day celebration working on center pieces and floral arrangements for the event in a couple of weeks and would continue to be working on floral arrangements for the wedding which I had to get done and ship out to my daughter. Boy, was I off base completely, who was I kidding, apparently just myself. Even though I had tried to keep busy, it was difficult for both of us, day in and day out, we felt like we were walking in a fog, lack of sleep, fatigue and stress had consumed our life for what seemed like too long already. She was due to start in a new school shortly and I knew she was pretty nervous, not only regarding school, but all the changes that were happening in her life at one time. I really wasn’t’ sure how she was going to handle it much longer, everyday, I felt like we were walking on egg shells, I kept a watchful eye on her, not knowing if all of a sudden the bottom was going to fall out, either from her or from me. So I guess getting back to as normal an existence as possible was a must for us both, but it was going to take more work then I had originally thought.

About a month after the news in early September, my daughter and I were in church one Sunday, and she passed out on me; several parishioners helped me with her and we took her out for air. That, in itself wasn’t new, but it hadn’t happened in a few years. For some reason since she was very young, every once in a while she would just pass out with no warning, test were done by her doctor, he couldn’t determine anything, so his advise was to make sure she always had breakfast before she left the house, also to watch for room temperatures, thinking that maybe places were too warm (it usually happened while in church) for her. Luckily, we were kneeling when it happened, so she didn’t go down far, but it scared me to see that she took a good bump to the head and she was out for a little while. The body heat coming through her clothes was unbelievable, her cheeks were flushed and she got sick to her stomach. I took her home and called the dr. and they advised to keep an eye on her and if it happened again or if I saw something unusual to take her into the ER, if she did fine, to take her in the next day to see her (ob). Her dr. thought that maybe it was all the stress compounded by the pregnancy; smells like perfume, cologne or anything strong gave her an intense headache and nausea, all her symptoms should be getting better after the first trimester her dr. felt.

Since we had been busy with all these events, we had decided to wait to contact an agency, a little part of me was hoping she would change her mind, but I kept scolding myself because I knew I was only being selfish and not thinking clearly. (Now I feel that maybe that’s why some parents of birthparents don’t agree or fight adoption, because they are trying to avoid the heart ache for themselves and their children.). I also thought that maybe her sister could raise the baby, which really, if I had been thinking rationally, it really shouldn’t have been an option. She was due to get married at the end of the month; she was going to be a newly wed when the baby was due, but I had been having horrible thoughts and nightmares that frightened me. What if something happened to my daughter, my only link to her would be my grandchild. Then, the sister of a school friend of mine, people who I hadn’t seen in 25 or so years, passed away, she had a child when we were in high school (which was why my mother threatened my sister and I with no home to come to if we got in trouble) who was placed for adoption, and it was almost like this was a sign, this was confirming my thoughts, morbid I agree, but still very real to me, it was sending me a message. When I attended the vigil, my friend told me that her sister found her son a couple of years earlier, he was in his late 20s, her sister and her had spent several years searching for him, her sister had a desperate need to find him after they found she had cancer. Even though her son agreed to see and talk to his bmom, he really didn’t feel any connection or at least not that he showed from what they could see, he knew he was adopted, but he really had not come to a place where he needed to find her. Not long after that I heard more bad news, a young girl 18, who had attended my daughter’s current school two years prior passed away; she left behind a two year old son. What was happening, another sign? I know, I know I was just grasping at straws, but I couldn’t help thinking about all the different negative scenarios and what ifs. These incidents kept fueling my fears.

To be continued....

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Thank you for continued support.. I really appreciate all of your input, honesty and insight.

Blessings,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Dear Abrazo family,

I awoke last night thinking of something, maybe because I had been thinking before going to bed about my journal. Felt the need to say, that in my writings, I may be using words/descriptions in regards to adoptive families/birth families that some (either side) may be sensitive too. I hope that I do not offend anyone with my use/choice of terminology in the world of adoption. I am very new to this and am learning quickly that it is a very sensitive topic to some as to how they are classified (labeled). I certainly do not mean any disrespect for anyone and will never minimize any ones position including the extended families of either PIW or BP. I have the up most respect for all involved, including those that make it possible to bring both families together.

Blessings,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation…Part 5

Meanwhile the doctor’s appointments began; we also had to decide what we were going to do about school. She was due to start in 3 weeks and because of the type of school she attended it was a concern, she could start but would have to change after she began to show, her father and I decided that we would just start her at another school from the beginning. Luckily there was one we found that she could attend and that wouldn’t make her attend yet another school (alternative) once she had the baby, it also provided child care if she later decided to keep the baby. I called the new school to get enrollment information, I had to keep trying to get through the conversation, because it was just so hard to think and converse without breaking down. I had mentioned earlier that she played sports, but since the end of June she had not played because of a back injury during weight training. Her dr. at the time had advised for her to take several months off or she would injure herself further and possibly have to give up playing her sports for several years. She was now facing no sports, a different school, away from the peers/friends she was use to seeing daily and pregnant.

Her ex after just a short time decided he really didn’t want to know anything, sometimes he would take her calls, but mostly he didn’t. And YES even if it was 50% her fault she didn’t get pregnant alone, it really burned me up that his life had remained untouched, he continued at the same school, played sports, able to hang out with his same friends, go to homecoming, prom, you name it…I felt like he should have been paying some of the price, I know this was unrealistic on my part, he was a kid, an immature kid at that. Even though my daughter acted like it didn’t matter, I knew it did. She was still in communication with several of their mutual friends, some of them with good intentions (they thought) would tell her, what he was up to and doing. She didn’t talk about it often, but once in a while she opened up, I would have to think before I spoke, because the first things that would come to mind where not very nice, so I just kept telling her that one day he would get his, and probably live with the biggest regret of the two. She was the bigger person of the two and she was doing everything she needed to do to come out ahead. The last I knew was that he hadn’t even told his parents, not sure if he ever did, but if he did or if they ever found out, which I am thinking they did, since the school they attended was small, they never made an attempt to contact us. This was all on my daughter now and of course with that on us as her parents.

At first even though she was conflicted, she didn’t want others (mainly her dad and I) to get involved with the process of making the important decisions of how, where, who, when. We started her in counseling and after a couple of sessions she decided to ask for my help. The first session was with all three, and I made no attempt to hide my anger at the situation or my disappointment, my husband on the other hand, was calmer, he said that “at least it is just a pregnancy and nothing more serious like other parents had been facing”. “It wasn’t the end of the world”, well for me it was pretty close at the time, and my thinking was irrational and clouded. What he was referring to about nothing more serious was due to a friend of my daughter’s who had been diagnosed with a very aggressive type of Leukemia the year before, she was in remission, but it was tough to see a 15 yr old that we knew so well, her parents and family going through that . I knew he was right, I can’t begin to imagine what they were going thru, but even so, at the time I would have preferred not being in the situation we were in. The rest of the sessions were just with my daughter, though she didn’t like going at first, especially since her counselor was a nun, her view was, “what does a nun know about pregnancy”, she eventually was comfortable and didn’t have a problem going, our goal was to get her past all the anger she was feeling and directing at us her parents. I had already spent endless days researching adoption for her, and would have the information when she was ready for it. I didn’t realize that there were several options in adoption these days, closed, semi open, open, I had gathered all I could find and when she was finally ready we spent days discussing the options, weighing the pros and cons, we talked to her ob, she gave us some literature to read on adoption.

My daughter and I sometimes watched the show The Locator, there was an episode of a young girl in her early 20s that was looking for her birth mom, she talked about having a good family, but feeling like she didn’t fit in, and wanting to know about her birth family, why she had been placed for adoption, one of her aunts on her adoptive moms side knew her birth grandmother, but wouldn’t give her any information. After that episode, my daughter decided that she never wanted her child to feel like that young girl on TV; she didn’t want her child to feel out of place, or feel not wanted or loved by her or wonder why. My daughter decided to seek an open adoption after watching the show. This episode came at just the right time, when she was trying to decide what type of adoption she wanted for her child and at the same time for her. We now had to find the right agency; we narrowed our search to two, one in Dallas and one in San Antonio. During this time she was not only dealing with the pregnancy, but with health issues, headaches that had been diagnosed as migraines (several years back), constant vomiting, now it seemed they were getting worse, pregnancy symptoms mixed in with hormone changes, she was barely getting through the each day. We also had several big family functions; we chose not to share the news of her pregnancy with other family or anyone else until we got through the family events. It was also avoidance on my part, I just didn’t want to have any other complications or deal with anyone else’s input, the only one that we told was her sister, who flew into town to see her and spend time with her. We knew eventually questions would be asked, we would cross that bridge then, but we agreed to keep personal the information about adoption, we would tell our families when the time was right, but for anyone else it wasn’t any of their business. My daughter and I felt strongly about that. Remember we are both private, no one had to know what our/her plans were.

To be continued....

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

If only you knew how many other people echoed the way you feel/felt. (((Mari)))

A common ground for all of us...with those of use that deal with infertility, too!

Though, I don’t consider myself living in a sheltered world or sheltered life, this experience has lead me to know and continue to learn so much about both sides of the adoption process. It’s funny, that sometimes we can go through life and not really know so many things unless we are impacted or touched by them ourselves or someone close to us, in this case either Placing or PIW.

Gosh, so many other experiences that are not part of everyone's daily lives, for instance, touched by death, I have been touched by it since I was a young teen, yet there are so many people I know who have never experienced a loss of a dear loved one , they have been very lucky in that sense. To me it is a part of life and now, here is anothe part of life that my family and I are now a part of.

I have no doubt that there is so much more in common down this road that I have yet to realize, and how many people have been where I (we) are now. Thank you for your continued support, lending an ear and helping to educate me in this process of life in the world of BPs & PIW, I am truly grateful.

Blessings,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation….Part 4

My daughter agreed that the first thing we needed to do was determine what she planned on doing, and in order to determine this she was going to have to ask herself and answer truthfully some very tough questions. Although all of us were unsure of anything beyond the fact that she was with child, we had to look at the whole piece more intellectual then emotional now, we knew no matter what she decided to do, nothing she chose was going to be easy, her life as she once knew it had now changed forever, it would not only impact her life, but the baby’s and ours as her parents, really her entire family. I assumed also her boyfriend and his family; we needed to know what his roll was going to be, had she told him, if so what did he plan on doing, how much responsibility and accountability was he going to take in all this. Were they going to be able to decide what was going to happen now? I wanted to make sure that it was her decision, that she didn’t feel like she was being pushed into any one thing. Though we had to deal with her anger and short temper at the time, which I believe was more of a cover up to hide her fear, I also had to deal with her father who felt that if I hadn’t let her have a boyfriend in the first place, she wouldn’t have been in this jam. I gave up trying to tell him that whether we had allowed her or not, if she wanted a boyfriend she would have one, the only difference would be is that we wouldn’t know about it. I had to turn my focus back on her and back to the issue at hand. I didn’t want her to one day blame us for forcing her to do this or that, but also because I wanted her to make a parental decision about her child and I was not going to make the decision for her and make it easier, not that anything would have been easy anyway. I know this probably sounds cruel, and even if it was killing me, she needed to understand the consequences of her actions and that now she had someone else she had to think about besides herself. I had to listen to that irrepressible inner voice reminding me that our life had taken a huge detour, but no matter how unbalanced we (I) felt our life had become, it was something we could get through if we allowed our head to tell our heart what to do, I didn’t leave her totally alone, I did offer to help her. It was important to know what her boyfriend's role was going to be, by the time she told us, she was already well into her second month, had they already determine the baby’s fathers role? I couldn’t believe my ears when she told me he chose not to be a part of her decision; he was going to leave it ALL UP TO HER, what ever she wanted to do. WOW, what a cop out, I can’t even put in writing (for public view) the thoughts that went through my head. To find the positive in this I told my daughter that I saw it that this in a way made it easier for her (us) to move forward, but in my view which I kept to myself at first, he took the cowards way out. It was all left on her shoulders to carry and bear the burden of a decision so important and life changing. My understanding was the only involvement at the time he wanted was for her to let him know how her dr. appointments went.

Another one of her task was to determine what type of parent her child needed her to be, she certainly couldn’t count on the now ex-boyfriend, what did a child need in this world to survive and thrive? How was she prepared at this time to provide life’s necessities to her child or by the time her child was due, what skills did she need, what life would her child have with what she could currently provide, what future did she see and want for her child and could she accomplish / provide her vision for her child at her age? She had to also seriously look at the safety of and for her child, we talked about how many children had been abused or killed by their “mother’s boyfriends”, how many times we heard on the news or read in the newspaper these stories. Being young, she would still want to date later; she had to think about the risk she would be taking with her child, she would have to scrutinize very carefully the person(s) who her child would be exposed to. It took her several days to finish her list and when it was done and she weighed the pros and cons, she knew that she was not in a position or equipped to provide the life for her child that she wanted or that a child should have, at least not now, not for many years to come, she chose adoption, to entrust another couple to parent and raise her child, even though I knew this was probably the best choice, the thought bothered me, based on what little I knew at the time about adoptions, knowing that I would have a grandchild somewhere out in the world that I would never be able to see, to hold, to spoil, to play with, to rock to sleep, and shower with grandma’s kisses, or to know whether my grand-baby would be safe, happy , in a good home, it tore at my heart. Was this the best thing for my grandchild? I knew that it was hurting my child twice as much if not more then it was hurting me, I couldn’t let her see the anguish I felt, I spent days/nights in tears away from her view, I took long showers just to be able to cry and let out my frustrations. For days and weeks I would find myself driving and felt the desire or need to just keep going, no place in particular, just driving as far away as I could (but I didn’t), kind of running away from home, from my life at that moment, from my aching heart and my daugter's. What would I have done had I been her? I didn’t know, all I knew at the time was that when I was a teenager, my mom was a tough cookie, she told my sister and I often, that if we ever got into that kind of trouble, we could just forget we had a place to come home to, I don’t think she would ever have turned her back on us, but we certainly weren’t going to take any chances and find out by calling her bluff. There had to be a better way I kept thinking, I couldn’t let this happen, but my head told me that it was the right thing to do, even if my heart ached and felt like it would break in a million pieces. I knew my daughter was far from ready to be a parent, and I knew she didn’t want it to be her dad’s and my responsibility, it was hers and she couldn’t fulfill that role at the time. So maybe she had listened to me at times, when I would tell both her and her sister that when they became parents they had better make sure it was when they were ready to put their child before their wants, that it was their responsibility, not mine or anyone else, their life would be different, because they now had to care for another life.

To be continued…..

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

I should have recognized your courage and strength right off in your posts as the the same courage and strength we saw in your granddaughter (through the forum).

Susi,

Our strength comes from generations...

Melissa,

It has been tough. I have a hard time just writting for me and my eyes only, so I knew it would be a challenge to go on the form and share our story, I just didn't realize how tough it would turn out to be once I took the leap. I do plan on finishing what I started though, and if this helps just one family and what they are going through then all the discomfort of re-living our heart aches will be well worth it.

Blessings to all,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Continuation…part 3

After she shared her news, and we were hit by all those intense emotions, though still angry and in shock and in disbelief, it was then more of A NOW WHAT! I interrogated her beyond belief, why, when, what was she thinking. It was her first time, curiosity and she didn’t think beyond the action and certainly not about the consequences, (the fly by the seat of her pants approach). She said she was afraid to tell me, according to her, she was afraid of what I would do, of course I told her that she couldn’t have been that afraid of me or she wouldn’t have allowed herself to be put in that predicament. Although I made her dr.’s appointment to confirm her suspicion and we could be sure, I have to say that I refused to take her; I made her father do it, because I was so angry with her. Meanwhile I prayed that the test would come back negative, we could use the experience (the fact that she was scared to death, probably more of me causing that death) as a lesson, and a tough lesson no less, to learn from it, I prayed that it was just a bad dream, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t and the test wouldn’t come back negative. What had she done, what happened, how in the world did we go so wrong, she didn’t have uninvolved parents, she had everything she needed, why was she so eager to grow up so fast. She is my baby; she isn’t suppose to be dealing with this at her age.

We found ourselves in new territory; full nights of sleep where now a thing of the past, if I got a couple of hours that was too much. I searched endlessly trying to find a support group to get some much needed information, but found that there really is nothing out there for parents of pregnant teens, a lot of groups and help for the teens, but not for the parents that are now the ones who are looked upon to help their child to pick up the pieces, that after all, falls in our realm and role as a parent, they are scared, confused, have a million questions and so do we the parents. I had to go by instinct, and questioned my self along the way, my first reaction was abortion, not because of what others might think or say, I could care less about the others, it was more out of fear I had for her, from past experience she didn’t have the maturity to be a parent, she was so self absorbed as many teenagers are, it was all about her during that time, and in many ways it should have been, she should be enjoying her teenage years, making fun memories, not dealing with adult situations. I had to put my thoughts aside, I needed to be there for her and I wanted to be there for her, she was after all my child, my baby and I wasn’t going to turn my back on her, so I had to push my emotions, my anger, my disappointment to the bottom, sort of detach myself slightly from my intense emotional feelings to be able to focus on what was most important. I am really not the type of person to beat around the bush if I have something to say, yeap that sometimes isn’t good because attempts to withhold my feelings at times will just make them stronger. I pulled myself together as best I could; I had to leave those looming dark shadows that had consumed my thoughts aside. I didn’t want to push her too hard and alienate her, I needed her talking, to open up about what was happening and what she thought should be done about it, my role for now was actually best served listening, not only to her words but to her actions, mannerisms, body language, these things were going to give me the cues and clues as to where we needed to start. We couldn’t let our fears take over our life, there was no easy way. Those Darn questions of now what, were do we go from here, where do we turn, kept blasting in my ears, in my head and in my heart. I knew that ignoring reality would only delay the inevitable. We had crossed a boundary, could we make it back? Will the struggles that lay ahead both emotional and physical bring an irremovable wedge to our relationship? Are we prepared to handle the hardships of teenage parenthood? What did her future hold? These thoughts made me lay awake night after night; I began hating the nights, until the thoughts consumed my days as well. I knew that my daughter was also being consumed by those same thoughts.

To be continued…….

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

I also wanted to add that you have a beautiful grandbaby.

Shelley,

Thank you, I also think so myself. She is also a very lucky little girl who has not one but two beautiful moms.

L,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Kristal,

Thank you so much for your comments, I certainly understand the feeling when family acts like the adoption or even worse the child doesn’t exist. I wish I felt like it was all a generation thing, but I have come across some that are younger then me and act this way. I guess sometimes people are scared of things that are different in their life’s circle or anything that might make them feel uncomfortable or human. Some of these same people I have watched cry uncontrollably during movies (chick flicks) yet they seem to show neither emotion nor interest in an adoption reality. Go figure.

Does sound like your son has his grandpa on his side though, rooting him on, good for grandpa.

Glad to hear what a wonderful relationship you have with your son’s family. That was one of the things that weighed heavily on my mind during the start of the adoption process. That is my biggest wish for my daughter, my grand-baby and her parents.

Amanda,

Thank you for comments, It really makes a difference in one’s day when you don’t feel like and outsider, I don’t think all people intentionally do it, many are just ignorant to the process and all the emotions that go into it from both sides. I shot off some not so compassionate emails during the start of my daughter’s adoption process to acquaintances who took it upon themselves to make her story the topic of their “church group” conversations, and they didn’t make a smart move in sending me emails wanting “the scoop”..These are people I talked to maybe once a year..Haven’t run into them face to face, and I hate to say it but, that may be a good thing for them, I am just not good at hiding some of my feelings sometimes especially with insensitive people, I do sometimes bit my lip, but right now with all the emotions I myself am dealing with, it is probably best to keep my distance

Susi,

Continue to hold on to the bond you have with your son’s family..I know they appreciate it and you are a part of their family. I told my grand-baby’s parents that I was adopting them as my children, and I plan to enjoy not only my grand-daughter but her parents and grandparents for the rest of my life on this earth and I know my daughter will do the same.

Lindsy,

You know, I read your note to me and then I re-read your bmom’s, you sound so much alike. I appreciate your comments and I know my daughter will find the support as well. Though she hasn’t been ready to attend the support groups at Abrazo, one she doesn’t like talking about herself or about intimate things to strangers, two the times right now are not convenient due to school, I told her not to look at it as if she needed all the help but more in a sense that it was a two sided effort, how many others are now where she was several months ago, and she may be able to offer them some encouragement and much needed answers based on her experience.

My part 3 will soon be on, my daughter just hasn’t had a chance to read it yet, though it is our story based on my view, I like for her to read what I will be posting, just to make sure she is ok with it.

Thank you again to all for your kind words and encouragement.

Blessings to all,

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Welcome to the forum 1st X Grandma!!!

I wish the forum could have been around when I placed my daughter for adoption, I am glad you found it and glad you decided to share and invite others into your world. I placed my daughter for adoption 20 years ago - I was 18 at the time and my mom was my ROCK during that experience (the most painful experience I've yet to go through). I got through it because of her. She didn't have anyone to talk to and so I guess she dealt with it on her own - I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I never once considered hers until much later when we talked about our feelings (I found my daughter a year ago and am now in contact with her which has sparked a lot of conversations about the placement between my mom and me) and she finally felt comfortable telling me just how painful it was for her too - both because of seeing her baby (me) in so much pain and the placement of her granddaughter. I don't know how helpful it would be for you to hear from her since it was such a different situation then (my adoption was closed) and it was such a long time ago but pain is pain is pain - if I can get her on here (she's now 74, was 54 when I placed and isn't much of a typist but I could probably do that part for her) I'll ask her to share some of her thoughts. We (my mom and I) have also experienced life on the other side of things as my husband and I adopted 2 children through Abrazo over the past 6 yrs.

But most of all, I want to welcome you to the forum and let you know how much we appreciate you here - you're so right, there is soooo much more activity from adoptive parents on here than from birth parents and especially from birth grandparents...but it only takes one and hopefully you've started something here.

Thinking of you and your daughter as you find your way through this incredibly emotional journey in your lives.

Lisa

P.S. the profile picture of me was taken last month when I went to visit Joanna (my daughter who I placed for adoption) in NY (this was my 3rd visit with her over the past year)

Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with me about your mom, your right, pain is pain no matter how long ago..I know it gets easier, but it will never go away. I would love to know more about her thoughts and how she managed to get through. Your mom is only one year younger then my mom, my grand-daughter’s great Granma, she had/has a hard time with the adoption, but she really has been there for my daughter which I know has meant a lot to both of them as well as me. I will share more as my story continues to unfold to all.

Glad you found and reconnected with your daughter, may you have many years more to build wonderful new memories. Wishing you and your mom a blessed Mother’s Day…and also to the all mom’s out there, whether birth or adoptive.

To the rest of the wonderful Abrazo family, I must say I am over whelmed by the support, I always knew it would be there, as I mentioned before due to “surfing” the forum once in a while and seeing how everyone is so supportive, encouraging and compassionate, I just couldn’t imagine though how I would feel. My daughter told me yesterday that she needs to start working on her blog. Maybe seeing me, though reluctant at first and taking the leap, has given her the courage she needs also.

I do have to apologize for my part 2, I hadn’t realized it was all bunched together..Don’t mind telling you, that as I write my daughter’s and our story, I really get nervous, sentimental (I like to use this word better then emotional) and so many other emotions come pouring out, that sometimes I find myself writing through watery eyes, and I am also still trying to learn to navigate here. I will try to do better though, and make my story a little more legible.

Mari

For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:3

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Part 2…continuation

I know on the other side of our stories, are the parents in waiting, and I can’t begin to say I understand their hopes, dreams, or the emptiness some may feel without a child of their own, all those loving people who long to be parents and unfortunately sometimes may feel like they are at the mercy of someone else. How I wish I could say or do something to ease their longing, their pain or give them wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement that would make it better for them while they wait for that one child that was meant to be part of their life and their family, when finally that day arrives. It’s unfortunate that to make this a reality, there is the suffering on the other side. I know while my grand baby’s new parents and all new parents celebrate and rejoice the addition to their families, the opportunity they have everyday to hold their (our) child, to be able to look into this precious life’s eyes, or watch him/her sleep, all the things that fills their life with joy, as I my own two girls did/do for me, there is the other side that I also know, like my daughter as I would think do many if not all other birth mothers, those brave women who made it possible for the new parents to experience their joy, they are at the same time now going through their own emptiness and grief. They can not look into their child’s eyes daily, soothe, hug, hold their child, touch and caress or watch them grow day by day, but they do in many cases have physical reminders, maybe the scars of child birth that they must see daily, when they look in the mirror, when they take showers, the stretched skin, the weight, these signs of which some will go away with time and the others that will stay and serve as constant reminders that they are in their own right a birth parent now, reminders that they made the difficult and unselfish choice that only a parent can make which is to put their child’s needs first and foremost above theirs. They don’t really need these as reminders though; their heart will remind them daily. Their choice was made out of love for their child and a desire for a better life for them to have that they could not themselves provide at the time which made it possible for a childless couple to fill their hearts and arms with this new life. Just as the addition of new life to a family brings joy and impacts the entire family, the loss of a child brings grief and impacts not only the birthmother, in some cases the birthfather and all their families. Isn’t this something, we can not have one without the other…

My daily prayers for all who have been touched in one form or another by adoption, are that God continue to touch the lives of each one of us, to guide and protect all, to help us be strong, courageous and selfless, to put our child’s needs before our insecurities or our pride, to continue to nourish our hearts and help us not falter in faith and spirit. To guide our thoughts and actions, to watch over and protect all who have been bound by a child, and those hard working individuals that make this possible. For God to keep our hearts open and filled with love for all, because we can never think of one without thinking of the other, we can never look at this precious life without thinking of the parent(s) that made it possible or their families, or think of one’s child without thinking of those loving parents nurturing, and guiding daily and their families, they (we) are all a part of each other that have been brought together by one child and the love that is felt for him/her. We are the quilt made of patches, each one of us a different square that have been woven together and stitched with Gods help to bring security, love, warmth and beauty to our child, that one child that we all have in common.

When I first learned that my teenage daughter was pregnant, I went through what I am sure most if not all parents in my situation go through, anger, disappointment, disbelief, hurt at the betrayal of trust, and mostly fear for my child. She had no idea what she had gotten herself into. I threatened to ship her off to Maine to live with her aunt, I don’t think I really yelled at her, but I know I talked to her in a very strong, get out of my way NOW, type tone. Just picture a big; no huge bulldozer rolling over cars at a junk yard, yeap that was me at that moment. I really didn’t expect this to happen, not because she was the perfect child, I am well aware of my child, she is in her teenage years, my daughter was/is strong minded, sometimes too mature other times too immature for her age, typical teenager, mood swings, sometimes flies by the seat of her pants, I didn’t expect it because we often talked so much about things like, drinking, drugs, sex, self-respect, responsibilities and being safe. Many say that teenage pregnancy happens because parents don’t talk to their kids about sex, well I talked, thought she listened! She was use to me telling her when she would get in trouble in class usually for talking or socializing, even though she said she “would get an A If they gave grades for that” it was 50/50, I know many parents have heard the excuses, “but I didn’t do anything” or “the teacher doesn’t like me” or “it wasn’t my fault”, well I use to tell her that 50% was controlled by her, it was either something she did or didn’t do that contributed to the outcome and her getting in trouble. After a while she would tell me about an incident and add, “I know, I know, 50/50”. It just got to where she would take responsibility (sometimes reluctantly) for her portion of it, and she had no problem telling me. She didn’t go to parties, really didn’t go out much even though she had the same boyfriend for two years. She was involved in sports, school and church activities, although in her sophomore year she was moodier and was going through an angry faze, the teen mentality they know best, parents don’t know anything, became more of a daily battle, we are ancient/old, dinosaurs roamed the earth when we were kids, ok, maybe not to that extent, but to my teen, life was boring when we (her parents) were young and her age, we didn’t have much to do or experience (gosh if she only knew). I even shared stories of real people, people who I went to high school with and how their poor choices impacted them, but sometimes even the best advice we give our children to protect them or educate them, will fall on deaf ears, they pick and choose what they want to hear or retain and without thought to the consequences.

To be continued…..

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Thank you to all. I know my daughter and I came to the right place with Abrazo. Over the last three months or so that I have looked at the communication every so often, I can almost feel the hugs, caring and love every one shares for one another. Blessings to you all.. And a Wonderful Mother's Day to each of you....

Mari

[A Birth Grandmother's Role]

Where do we start, how many times have I asked this same question in the last several months. I am a mother of two girls and more recently a grandmother to a placed beautiful baby girl, my first grandchild. I have debated for several months about posting in the forum, mainly because as I have looked through it, I have been somewhat disappointed or maybe just discouraged that there are so very few recent postings in the placing side. I certainly understand though, it is so much easier and more pleasant to celebrate then it is to grieve. When we are happy we don’t mind sharing our good news, but when we are dealing with a loss, many of us tend to be more private and quiet, not that we don’t want to share or talk to people, I feel it’s more that we are hurting and sometimes can’t find the words to describe our emotions, thoughts and feelings or depending on the subject matter, sometimes we hold all or a lot inside, because there are things and experiences in life that not everyone understands, unless they have walked in our shoes. So to share very private and intimate details of a sensitive and sometimes controversial subject puts us at risk of being judged, criticized, and misunderstood and yes, in even some cases being estranged from many who don’t understand. Oh some may be polite and say they understand or they know what we are going through, but we know they really don’t. They can’t fully comprehend when we are having a bad day and want to scream, or cry or just sit in a quiet room with our thoughts, or ask ourselves the “what if” questions, though WE know we really don’t need or want an answer, sometimes we just need to ask them, I feel that only those who have been there can truly know where we are coming from.

Before I go any further, let me share a little about my daughter and myself.. My daughter (first mom) is my youngest of 2, born almost 12 years after her sister. She has always been a very compassionate, caring, loving person, who is also very passionate about her ideas. Since she was a toddler until this day she has always been the protector the little mama of her cousins, friends and pets. She played sports since she was 3, co-ed sports and wasn’t to happy when she couldn’t play on the same team as the boys by the time she was 6, you see both my daughter’s have always had more male friends then female friends, so on her coed team it was my daughter and 5 little boys who hung out together. She played softball, basketball, volleyball, golf, tennis.. Volleyball was her passion of sports, she lettered her freshman year in volleyball and golf, she actually played volleyball that year on the varsity, jv, and freshman team, she was on the jv tennis team, her sophomore year she again played varsity volleyball, golf and tennis. She has a beautiful singing voice, but doesn’t like to sing in public (except for a recital in first grade) of course now she says “that was before I knew better”.. She has to be pushed in academics, her strong suit in school was socializing, my social butterfly. She has a strong, confident personality, doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings, but doesn’t have a problem telling it like it is. From the time she was born to at about 12 she was a daddy’s girl. I was the outsider in their world.

As for me, my daughter(s) are a lot like me in many ways… protectors, passionate about ideas, strong work ethic. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and feel that we need to give 100% in what ever we do. I am normally a very private person, I don’t like to share a lot about me or what is going on in my life or my families life, people sometimes say I am quiet (ok that is definitely different then my daughter’s) , usually am very selective as to with whom I share. I like to observe, and listen and pick up on things. My co works use to tell me I should have worked for the FBI, part of my job was loss prevention so I had to develop those skills pretty quick. I worked for the same large company for 28yrs plus, quit (too young to retire) when my daughter was in seventh grade, due to my work sch. 60hrs plus, and constant travel. I had missed out on a lot of her life and wanted to spend more time with her, so I took on a part-time job that allowed me to do this. Of course I was also thinking that she would soon be a teenager and I needed to be around more. My entire family is important to me; I have experienced the loss of two siblings through out my life, one brother when I as 14 and the other when I was 35, as well as my father when I was junior in high school and my step father in 2000. So the family I have left is like gold. I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, but I have been accused of being one, I am also very tenacious and can be very analytical to a fault sometimes. That pretty much covers it.

This journey/chapter in my daughter’s, in mine and in OUR life has thrown us into new territory that we were not prepared for or expected, but none the less here we are, though we all grieve or handle things differently, knowing that there are others out there who have walked along the same paths, shed tears for the same reasons, know the loss of a mother or a grandmother gives me hope and courage to continue to be strong for my daughter, because even though we both and our families as well are suffering a loss, even if it is to adoption and not a death, it is no less a loss. I can not begin to understand my daughter’s pain as the mother; I can only understand it as a grandmother, and as a mother to a hurting child. I feel we both need to have people in our lives that have walked in our shoes, someone that does understand and knows that we sometimes just need to vent, cry, talk or even some days just get by. Although she is not ready to take this next step and I respect her for that, I know she will when her time is right, as for me after much thought and prayer, I have decided to share my daughter’s and our story from my view and as a grandmother of a beautiful baby entrusted to a wonderful couple to raise. It has really taken me a long time to put this together, I had to do it in pieces because I could not get through very much of it at any one time, so I apologize if some of my writing sounds like rambling, I probably was/am. I hope to hear from other first grandparents as to how you are doing now and what has helped you get through those sleepless nights thinking of your grandchild, how are your daughters/sons (the first parents) doing now, how is their relationship with the entrusted parents, how is yours? Do you have one? To be continued.......