[Frank Talk about Open Adoption]

Dear Scott & Michelle,

I loved your post. It is also my experience as Mom, to two very precious girls, both adopted through Abrazo, that love truly comes naturally!

You know what, they look like us. (Not that it was a goal of the adoption process, since obviously we had no control over it) Only our birthparents knew the right place for their babies, even before we knew.

People, not in the know, actually think you can menu order a baby, it astounds me.

You will start your adoption journey so much further ahead than most, because you are .....in the know. How lucky and blessed you are.

Karen

[To New BirthGrandparents]

I have thought about your post all day.  I have felt angry that you do not want to listen to your daughter when she wants to talk about the adoption.  If you think this has been hard on you, just imagine what she is going through?  Your daughter has made a lifelong decision that she has to come to terms with.  Sounds like maybe she is further along with accepting her adoption plan that you are.  Maybe communication with the adoptive family and pictures give her great comfort and validates her decision.  Who better to share this information with than you?  Why do you have to feel ashamed or embarrassed?  Put yourself in her shoes for just a moment.  What would you want from your loved ones?  Understanding...Lots of hugs...someone to share your pain.  Stand up for your daughter and be proud of the decision she was able to make for her baby.  To you, maybe an unplanned pregnancy is the worst thing, but truly it is not.  You now have an extended family thanks to your courageous daughter.  God has guided your grandbaby to a family that will not be ashamed of its beginning.  You daughter will never forget her precious baby, why should you?  You cannot erase the past and just move on like it never happened.  Remember your daughter had lots of choices during her pregnancy including not confiding in you.  She needed you then and she needs you now.  Please be there for her... always.         Karen

[ORIENTATION]

Lisa, you sound just like me as far as the cigarette smoke.  The best thing I can say about orientation weekend is get ready.... it will change your life and the way you view adoption.  Go with an open mind because you will hear lots of great information.  Your fellow weekend buddies are not your competition.  You will know this more than ever when you hear of their placements and how excited you will be for them, knowing everyone will get the right baby at the right time.  The weekend is totally worth the time and expense and you may even meet some lifelong friends.

Also keep in mind that you when you return back home with your dream in toe, the rest of the family (parents, friends etc.) will not be as far along as you, they need more time.  It's too bad the whole extended family is not invited to orientation, it would be so much easier.

I believe the orientation weekends provided the essential foundation for both of our successful adoptions.  Karen

[Open Adoption]

Dear Laura,

I will do my best to try to help you understand about openness in adoption and how you may feel toward the birthmother of your baby.  When you commit to an adoption plan and you have been matched, you will start the beginning of one of the most important relationships in your life.  You will feel or become to feel closer to this person than anyone else at a time when she needs you as much as you need her.  It's totally natural, you do not have to work at it, if it is mean't to be.  You will feel protective of her, just as you will of your baby that is brought into the world with two lucky set of loving parents.  You will feel it is okay to share your love, you will have bonded with her.  Besides who will understand the way you feel about your baby better than your very courageous birthmother that will place total faith and trust in You!  It's a powerful unconditional gift that cannot ever be duplicated, except maybe by another successful adoption.  As you begin your life with your new baby and your loves grows and grows, that love overflows to the birthmom whether you see her or talk with her on a regular basis or not.  Your birthmom should not and probably will not be someone you fear, sure you may have some irrational fears at first because it is like a dream come true and you will have to pinch yourself to make sure it's real!  Your emotions will be in high gear as you try to make sense of your overwhelming joy and at the same time grieve for the huge loss that your birthmom faces for the rest of her life.  Impossible, you ask?  No, it is not.   An adoption plan is successful when it is reinforced with good honest intentions and respectful of all placement agreements.  Your baby can truly have the best of everything, which is what every parent strives for.             Karen

[New To All This]

Dear smr,

It's great to hear you are talking with families.  You will know, trust your gut instinct.  Since you are at the beginning of a lifelong relationship, I think it's most important that you develop a friendship first.  By all means ask all the questions you want to, do not be bashful.  If you find a family you talk to easily, maybe you won't be as concerned about forgetting to ask questions.  You will know that you will talk again and then ask.  Maybe keep a journal to jot down questions or concerns as you think of them. The friendship is so so important because you may not always agree on everything but as long as you have open communication and talk about it, usually those things do not turn out to be a big deal.  Good luck.  Love, Karen

[New To All This]

Dear smr,  Oh gosh I don't know what to say.  You are so brave while going through all of this.  I am so sorry to hear about the miscarraige.  Try not to feel guilty or feel like it would not have happened if you had told your mom sooner.  You told your mom when you were ready.  I am so glad your mom has been such great support (remember she needed time to process of all this too). Give yourself time to grieve for the unborn baby.  Those feelings will be natural.  Please take care of yourself.  Come back to the forum whenever you feel like talking, we will be here.         Love, Karen

[New To All This]

Dear smr,  I am sorry to hear that it did not go the way you had hoped.  Maybe in a few days you'll be glad that you told her anyway.  I think your doing your best in wanting to tell your parents and not carrying the secret anymore.  You are teaching us so much about how important open communication is with our children.  As a mom, I appreciate that.  Consider yourself hugged. I will pray that it gets better for you soon. Love, karen

[New To All This]

Dear smr,  I have been thinking about you and how scared you are to talk about this.  Maybe you could ask your mom for her help.... with something that is very important (more important than grades).  Once you have her attention, maybe ask for her understanding and support before you tell her.  Then maybe it will be easier to talk right into it.  You'll do and say the right thing when you are ready.  I have confidence in you and your mom.  Also remember to be understanding of your Mom while she adjusts to this new information.  Ultimately though this is about "you" and not her, although her support would be so helpful.  I pray that your mom will be there for you with all the support and love and hugs that you need right now.  Good Luck.   Love, Karen

[New To All This]

Dear smr,  I was reading your post and thinking how hard all of these decisions will be.  Please call the 800 # and talk with someone at Abrazo or call collect.  I promise you no one would ever make you do anything you do not feel is right.  Gather as much information as possible for yourself, your baby's father, and most importantly the baby that you are carrying.  I know you will find in your heart and (the baby's father's heart)  the right decision for all.

You will also find on this forum some birthmom posts regarding not telling their parents.  Maybe you will find comfort in what they say.  Ultimately those decisions are all yours and no one elses.  I truly hope you have a good friend or a support person to lean on during this time.  I think that would help alot.

I will share with you a personal part of our life.  I am an adoptive mom who adopted both of our precious girls through Abrazo.  The agency is easy to work with although it is about "you" and not them.  Our first adoption, we met our wonderful 16, about to be 17 year old birthmom.  She had her Mom to support her and help her through the birth of her baby girl.  That was 7 years ago and we still keep in touch because they are very much a part of our family.  Our second adoption was just as beautiful but very different.  Our courageous birthmom was in her thirties and already parenting 2 pre-teens as a single parent.  She hid the pregnancy from her children as well as her job and all of her family members. She had a best friend at her job that she could talk to when she needed.  To this day, she has never told anyone else about this pregnancy.  Both of our birthfamilies were able to make the hardest decision of their life on behalf of their baby's life.  Good luck to you and please call Abrazo, a phone call does not commit you to anything.  Karen

[How do I tell my Parents?]

Only you will know the right time and the right words to tell your parents.  I can give you another viewpoint that I learned going through our infertility years.  A counselor once asked me why I kept my infertility a big secret. Why did I want to bear the burden and stress all be myself when she knew I had a loving family that could support me and share the hard times.  Every period (month)was a hard time.  I did not want anyone to know (especially my family) that I was flawed, that was how I felt at the time.  After some brief counseling, I was able to talk about it and it was like a huge weight being lifted.  When my loved ones knew what we were going through as a couple, alot of the hurt eased. Family became more in tune with our challenges and less hurtful things were being said in our presence.  The hurtful things were being said inadvertantly because they did not know our secret struggles.  When you ease your stress, I think you can think more clearly and gain back confidence.  It sounds like your Mom is a close friend and would not abandon you. ( Moms are like that )  Consider talking with a counselor or someone at Abrazo regarding your secret.