ElizabethAnn

Oldest American Mom Births Twins Any thoughts from the peanut gallery on this one?

We are presently working with a birthmom out of town who does not have Internet access and is making adoption plans for a pregnancy that resulted from a violent sexual assault by a stranger. If any of our former birthmoms out there have had a similar experience and could offer her emotional support by letter or phone call, please call Pamela, our Maternity Services Coordinator at the office (1-800-454-5683) and let her know you're willing to help. Thank you!

There are so many available adoption resources, and so many factors to consider, but what seems most important may change, depending on where you're at in the process...given what you know, what is most essential to you now?

We have a precious little Latina B.O.G. in need of a loving home! Born this week, her birthfamily would like for her to go to a young, childless couple with connections to the Hispanic community. While there was no prenatal care, the birthfamily does have insurance coverage; the baby was cocaine exposed, but is doing just fine! and she's ready to go home. Interested and homestudy-ready parents-to-be may call Angela Martinez this week for more information. (210/342-5683) Thanks for helping us get this little angel where she belongs!

We're tickled to announce that we've found a family for our twins! Thanks to all who responded.

Thanks for asking! We do try to post all upcoming events on the Forum Calendar (see upper right hand link); November's orientation weekend is scheduled for the fifth and sixth, but may be subject to change depending on availability so please call Angela at Abrazo before booking travel!

The agency is continuing to receive inquiries regarding the twin case, and hope to have them in a loving home prior to the next scheduled Parents-of-Tomorrow weekend (Oct. 15-16) so as to minimize their foster care stay. (Therefore, interested parties should fax completed and current homestudies to Angela Martinez at 210/342-6547 for further consideration. Thank you!)

More and more adoption agencies are prohibiting adopting parents from stating a gender preference. Should parents who adopt be given the choice of a boy or girl, or simply be expected to accept whatever child is becomes available?

Everyone has different understandings and needs when it comes to openness in adoption, but for our visitors who are just exploring this option, what do you think would suit you best? Why?

Just wondered if we have any birthgrandparents out there who originally became parents by adoption and wanted to share their story?

Been There... There Again? Lately, we've gotten several calls from birthmoms who placed babies for adoption in the past, and found themselves facing the same decision again, but waited until the last minute to contact an agency, due to embarassment or shame. Please!! if you are trying to gather the courage to call for help after having already been through the adoption process before, know that you are so welcome here! We know that lightning can and does strike twice (or more) so don't be afraid to reach out. You're not alone (and you've got nothing to be ashamed about, because sometimes, fertility can be as big of a problem as infertility. Let us help you through this, again. We're (still) here for you, and as they say--old friends are the best of friends!

As the old Yiddish saying goes: "From your mouth to God's ear!"

Just a quick survey question!! The very first time you picked up the phone and called for information on adoption, what made you dial that number? How did you find the courage to talk to someone, or did you have to hang up and try again a few times? What was your first "adoption call" like (whether it was to Abrazo or someplace else)??

Here are this year's orientation dates (and thanks for asking!) March 5-6, 2004 May 14-15, 2004 July 16-17, 2004 September 17-18, 2004 November 5-6, 2004 Remember, participation is by invitation only, and space is limited, so do have your completed inquiry, application and supporting documents on file as soon as possible, in order to be considered for inclusion in the weekend of your choice. While Abrazo has occasionally offered regional orientations in other areas of the country in accordance with demand, the above-weekends are all scheduled to occur in San Antonio, at a variety of select hotels offering generous discounts to our attendees. (Note: some orientation weekends are limited to specific kinds of families, so consult with Abrazo's Family Services Coordinator in advance.) Without "giving away" what happens on Friday night and/or Saturday, is there any "pre-orientation advice" that some of our "been-there-done-that" crowd can offer the newbies, on how to get the most out of the weekend?

Letters of recommendation are required in the homestudy process and by T.D.P.R.S. (Licensing), to provide confirmation of prospective parents' readiness/suitability, from the perspective of those nonrelatives who know them best. Without suggesting that these all sound alike, remember that there are only soooo many positive adjectives in the dictionary, and the best letters are the most candid ones. The letters that tend to hold more meaning are the ones that acknowledge applicants' limitations, yet provide realistic insight as to how they have managed/overcome adversity in the past and how they will likely incorporate such skills or use such experience/s to benefit in their day-to-day parenting duties. Agencies know no one's perfect; what we need to know is, who's really ready, and why? True story: Abrazo once received a peculiar letter of reference, recounting humorous college hijinks and goofy character quirks, questioning whether the couple in question could be entrusted with a puppy, never mind a child! Curious, we contacted the letter writer--and the mortified applicants--only to learn that he was, in fact, fully supportive of his friends' efforts to adopt! He'd written two reference letters, a glowing recommendation meant for Abrazo, and a silly one, to be sent to them in fun. Obviously, the letters accidently got switched, but being an agency that enjoys a good joke, the family was accepted by Abrazo (upon receipt of the right letter) and soon took placement of a child whose new home is filled with laughter and supported by good friends.

Good news! All of Abrazo's extra-wonderful clients are mere mortals!, great as they are, so most adopting parents with medical proof of a "normal" life expectancy do qualify (pending appropriate expectations and qualifications in the areas of child placement and openness.) The majority of our successful clients are likewise survivors of some life challenge or the other, so get that inquiry or application in and let's see what we can do to help! Know also that some of our dearest Forum members have also conquered cancer, so you're among friends, here! Welcome... Make yourselves at home!

You make such a good point, Jenny N! Someone (I forget who) launched a similar subject discussing the horribly ignorant things well-meaning strangers say about adopted siblings. Perhaps one of our more-talented Forum sleuths can recall where that is, as it may provide you with some ideas about dealing with the labelling issue? For our Family Room newbies who may not have yet found their way around the Forum yet, here's a reprint of a link posted elsewhere, offering a list of "talking about adoption" do's and don'ts: Things NOT to say to Adoption Persons NOR Birthparents NOR Parents Who Adopt, from the Adoption Crossroads website by adoption expert Joe Soll. Confused about some of the statements included on that list and why they're considered offensive? Feel free to ask on this Forum by posting those questions here. (There's no such thing as "stupid questions," after all, and understanding why such sayings are hurtful may help you better understand the whole adoption concept... the first and most special gift you can give that new or coming grandchild, niece/nephew or cousin of yours!)

Welcome, new grandparents-to-be! What an exciting time for you and your family. We know that adoption has changed alot over the years, and it's so important that you and your extended family learn all you can, so that you can support your son and/or daughter better as they move closer to parenthood. We have a special way of talking about adoption these days, called "positive adoption language," which we encourage you to learn and use now, so that your future grandchild grows up in a family that helps him or her feel good about who they are and how they came to be part of your family tree. (Ask your son or daughter about this lingo--our Forum members will be happy to offer some gentle pointers, as well.) We realize that many folks start with lots of questions and concerns about what their loved ones are "getting into," about open adoption and how it works, about the legalities and the costs and the process and all. We know that some of your relatives may have mixed emotions about adoption issues, and maybe you do, too. Perhaps you have witnessed the pain that infertility has caused your child and you worry about wanting to protect them from more disappointment. Or maybe you've been through the adoption process before and have some wisdom and insight to share. Whatever your thoughts, whichever stage of the process your son or daughter are in, we encourage you to visit here as much as you'd like, post questions and offer insights. Helping you learn about adoption is the first step you can take in helping welcome home a precious new grandchild and let us be the first to offer you our best wishes on this special quest.

Hi, Angel! In order to adopt stepchildren, their biological mother would have to consent to terminate all of her parental rights first. (And in some states, the children may have to reside with you for a certain period of time before you could even file to adopt.) You would probably want to check with their mom first as to how she feels about this plan, then if she's in agreement, get some good counseling for the children involved and contact a certified family law attorney to go from there.

Just wondering how all our friends in the "if they don't ask, I won't tell" category are doing...? This is such a tough dilemma, balancing secrecy-for-survival with the need-to-know-they-know urge. I'm guessing most parents on our forum, if asked how they would feel if their kids were in this position, would hope to be the kind of parents who could offer their sons and daughters unconditional love (if not unfailing support) regardless. Yet they would be entitled to their own emotional reactions, positive or negative, and the longer the secrets have been held, the harder they may be to hear from those kept in the dark. Your parents and other relatives don't have to approve of the choices you make... and they may not... and it may take time for them to come to terms with your decision and their feelings about it... But hopefully, ultimately, you do have the kind of relationship that could weather their disapproval until such time as they come to accept that you made your own best decisions, given the circumstances at the time. (That is easier said than done, of course, and the risks of the unknown response can be pretty terrifying for birthparents already vulnerable to society's general disapproval.) For those of you out there who have taken the risks and walked the gangplank, so to speak, what are your thoughts? For those parents of birthparents out there, what is your advice? And for those of you still trying to get up the courage to spill the beans, where are you at with this challenge and how can we support you as you face the unknown?

Hi, Jacqui, and welcome to the Forum! So glad you found your way here-- Abrazo has the very nicest of clients, and our Forum family is the best online support group out there anywhere, in my humble opinion! We would love to be able to help you build your family, however, to date, the only folks abroad we've worked with have been US citizens living overseas temporarily. This is primarily because we specialize in open, domestic placements, wherein the open adoption relationships so important for the children we place tend to require closer geographical access, in order to be truly effective. (Even our US clients generally make 3-4 trips to Texas just in the course of the 6-12 month adoption process; for orientation, pre-birth meeting with birthparent/s, placement and finalization). We welcome you to become an active Forum participant, just the same. And Jacqui, if you'd like to call our family services coordinator, Angela, during business hours M-F, CST (dial the US country code + 210/342-5683), we'll be happy to research other possible means of assisting you, or finding a compatible American international program that may be able to help. We care!

Hi, Cakemaker... Welcome! Abrazo is blessed to have the very nicest of clients, and we work hard to be certain that our program is truly "right" for those who come into it--for everybody's sake. For admission purposes, Abrazo defines infertility as the "documented medical inability to conceive a child" and we ask for doctor's verification at time of application, to ensure that we are accepting only the people we can help best into our full-service program. (The vast majority of Abrazo's birthparents join our program because they know we work with folks who could never otherwise become parents and this offers them a certain comfort, in knowing they truly are making a miracle happen both for their child and a couple in need.) For this reason, folks with "elective" infertility (those who can get pregnant but choose not to for personal reasons), with "impaired" fertility (those who can achieve pregnancy but may or may not carry to term) or "voluntary" infertility (those who have engaged in voluntary sterilization) are eligible only for consideration in our designated and special needs programs. We do ask those with unexplained infertility who enter the full-service program to take care during the process to prevent pregnancy from occurring, if need be. This is because an unplanned adoptive parent pregnancy in the course of an adoption plan (wonderful as that may be!) would disqualify them from continued services, disrupting any pending placement and necessitating their exit from our program with forfeiture of those fees already paid. We're so glad you've found your way to Abrazo's website. You'll find the greatest advice and support amongst our forum friends here, and and we wish you all the best, wherever your parenting roads may lead.

Just a hint... There's a new law out regarding patient records and confidentiality, so if you are planning on working with a licensed agency such as Abrazo, please be sure to ask to sign a "HIPPA" compliant medical release (1) at your doctor's office and (2) at the hospital, allowing the agency full access to both your records and your baby's, to ensure that your adoption records are complete and that your baby's adoptive family has all the medical history they need to provide good care, as well!

Lately the agency has gotten a number of phone calls from the mothers of birthmoms, caring parents who found out late that their daughters were pregnant and planning for adoption. Some of these birthgrandparents learned of the pregnancies after a homebirth, others got unexpected phone calls or letters or confessions along the way. And whether the birthmom is still at home (hiding under oversized clothing and avoiding noticeable weight gain) and denying concerned questions, or whether she has been living away from home, continually assuring her family that all was well denying anything is wrong... finding out about a loved one's unplanned pregnancy and adoption plan is always a painful surprize for the family members who love her and worry about her so. Many birthgrandparents struggle with a sense of unwarranted guilt, feeling they should have somehow known what their daughters worked so hard to keep secret from them. Others battle with feelings of disappointment or anger or rejection. Many fear for what the future may hold. Some feel obligated to offer to raise a grandchild for the unprepared birthparent, while others worry about taking on the responsibility of caring for a child when they thought their parenting days were already through. Each face many stressful days and sleepless nights. All have a sense of being alone in this, as they strive to find a way of supporting their son or daughter while giving them space to make their own best choices regarding the birthgrandchild's future. They struggle with wanting to respect their children's wishes but not knowing how to break the news (or hide it) from other relatives, who may or may not respond in a supportive manner. They too must face a grieving process for what has been and what might have been, when a baby comes too soon and alternative planning must be done. Many birthgrandparents find themselves called upon to help make adoption arrangements, at a time when they can barely think clearly themselves and have no idea where to turn or what questions to ask. Most are unaware of the opportunities available through open adoptions, enabling birthparents and/or chosen family members to keep in touch with the child, and/or receive peace of mind in the form of letters, baby pictures, phone calls and sometimes even visits over the years. Some fear that this access or knowledge will somehow complicate the post-birth adjustment for their own children, and discourage such contact even when it truly could be for the best. I'm hoping that our Forum family can offer encouragement, support and answers here for birthfamily members in such situations, whether we hear from them or not. (Many read, but never post... yet what a rainbow of reassurance is available.) If your son or daughter is considering adoption, or has done so in the past, please know that the adoption community supports you as birthfamily members. We respect you and appreciate the unconditional love you offer your "grown" child as he or she faces (or has faced) the biggest decisions of his/her life on behalf of his or her precious child. You are not alone! God bless you on this journey, and those you love, also.

Childrens' prayers are so simple and sweet--yet they mean so much and have the power to stay in our hearts forever. These are my favorite prayers from childhood. I'd love to learn some new ones from others of you out there!! Baby's First Prayer Heavenly Father up above, Hear me when I pray. Bless my home And those I love, and Guide me every day. Amen. Grace Before Meals God is great And God is good And we thank Him For our food. Amen. Traveling Prayer Dear God, We're going on a trip today! Guide and keep us all the way. Bring us safely home, we pray, And thank You for Your care. Amen. Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Guide me through the starry night And wake me when the sun shines bright! Amen.