suziandben
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Posts posted by suziandben
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Ditto - congratulations and blessings to all!!
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I too think about infertility grief as stages. I hit an unexpected stage of it a few weeks ago. although collin is here... it feels like we still missed the boat. My siblings (all 6) are DONE having kids including several surgical capstones to end the era. My closest siblings and Ben's sister had their entire families during the same years we waited for one. In fact the last was born 9 days before collin. It feels like standing on the edge of the dock and the boat is 10 feet off the pier. I'm not saying I wanted children because my siblings had them - no no no... but I certainly hoped to raise our children together. Actually I always thought we would be parents before these three siblings. Once upon a time my SIL and I were dealing with infertiliy together. Once upon a time I was holding my nephew of a first time mom who was telling my bro her hubby "would you help her, the baby's spitting up on her!" I was like oh honey, I should be helping you when he spits up. (I'm so humble!) Today those same moms are sending me emails about this or that parenting thing in their years of experience. It was a tough realization. Even though we have children the same age, we are not really doing this together. the last and the first are not the same at all.
I am starting to let go and try to see the good. collin has 5 boy cousins all born during 2008 to be BFFs with! I am having visions of the best camping trips ever. my niece madison ... I changed more of her diapers than I can count, sang her to sleep, carried her in the front pack through all of disneyland, etc. she is old enough now to "pay" me back!! HA!
Life is certainly an evolution.
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what's the current status on this request? have you filled up orientation yet?
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I think you just have to leave the door open and always do your part even when you do not see any return ... keep sending your updates, etc. There are wordier ways to say it but I truly feel it just comes down to always sharing your love and continuing to reach out and leaving the door open for times when the other person is ready.
While we were in Texas for ICPC there were days we did not see collin's birthmom but it brought her a lot of peace that we were there and available to her for whenever she was ready. If there are times and seasons of her life when she doesn't or can't have contact with us, we need to not judge or resent this.
The other thing I would say is that before placement, thoughts about openness after placement are just guesses. I would be open to changes in the plan so to speak. After birth and after placement, birthparents may feel differently than they expected to feel. Set yourself up to roll with the punches.
My two cents anyway.
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I send an email to family and friends at least a few times a month - funny stories about what's happening in our life, updates on our adoption journey etc. Yesterday I was taken totally by surprise. I saw a friend who called me on the carpet ... Suzi I thought your emails said you were going to educate us on open adoption? (I had said that last summer in an email and totally forgotten about it.) She says so what is life with open adoption like?
So for those investigating open adoption and wondering - here is how I replied to my friend (may not be reflective of anyone else's experiences but this is our experience):
"First a homework assignemt... there is a new movie out on DVD right now called "The Duchess"... rent it! It is a powerful movie and amazing acting. It is the best portrayal of a birthmother I have seen. Generally it's easy to assume that a birthmother is someone who doesn't want children or love them or have other children. The opposite is true. A birthmother is usually someone whose circumstances simply prohibit her from raising this child.
What's open adoption like in practice....It's like having another aunt or grandma that loves our child and is interested and excited to hear about his growth and development the same way every time I see my brother Mike he says guess what Aunt Suzi, Lillian did..... They know how much I love their kids. They know I will be so excited to hear anything and everything about them. That doesn't change that they are mom and dad like Ben and I are mom and dad for collin.
If Collin's birthmom were destructive we wouldn't have a relationship with her just like you wouldn't with others in your life. She's actually very compassionate to us and our feelings. Once she asked me if it offended me that she refers to Collin as "her baby". I said no it doesn't - he is your baby. This week we were talking and she was thinking about whether it's awkward for us because people normally would ask who the baby looks like, how does that go for us she asked me. Which is so sweet of her. I told her that people have made sarcastic comments about oh he looks like you ha ha ha... I always respond that Collin's birthparents are amazing and that I have NO issue giving credit where credit is due - they created an amazing baby - my hat is off to them.
People often ask "just curious" questions about collin's birthmom - is she young? etc. I think sometimes we get caught up in enjoying drama but realistically there is no particular reason to share the answers to these questions. It gets most awkward when it's our family that asks. I just stop and think to myself - is there a reason or purpose in sharing the answer aside from this person's curiousity. If there isn't then I don't share. Collin will hear all of the information about his birthfamily that we have in age appropriate ways as he grows. Then it's up to him to decide who and when and where he shares the information with. It's not our story - our story was the journey that got us here and bringing him home. His birthfamily information is HIS and it's his to share or not share.
That's it in a nutshell... not as big of a deal you would think it would be. One of the best gifts of open adoption is that I will never forget how hard it was for Collin's birthmother to choose adoption. A social worker didn't drop collin off at our doorstep. With tears running down her face, she placed him in my arms. God could have created a world without infertility or unplanned pregnancies. He didn't he brought people together who could understand the pain in each other's hearts."
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Rejoicing with you and continuing to pray for this special little one and his very special birthmom and grandma! It seems like I'm constantly hearing about grandmas who oppose adoptions (including collins), three cheers for this selfless 1st grandma and mama.
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Many tears of praise from Oregon!!!!!
So excited to be one of the few awake to hear the news! I'll never forget that PM I got from this special couple celebrating with us the arrival of our son.
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The stork deleted it and my post because the expectant mom is considering her options I believe.
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Abrazo to English translation....
BOG = Baby on ground
still fluzzy...
It means the baby has already been born. This usually involves getting a phone call from a gal in the hospital who has just given birth and wants to make an adoption plan. So if an adopting family gets a phone call about a BOG it means there was no advance warning.
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A hearty congratulations to the first family of 2009 and many prayers for a very special first mama.
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The media takes every opportunity to drive home their point that children adopted by you and born to you are not the same.
I've been known to rant and rave about this one whenever I see a newspaper article. I especially hate the headlines that say... "man convicted of abusing his adopted son/daughter..." I guess I figure that those articles would have come out the same if the child was biological or adopted (the abuser would have still been an abuser). Pointing out that the child is adopted makes it sound like the child has a problem, like all adoptive parents have bad motives, etc.
URGHHHHHH
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Donna I had the same thing happen where the social workers were telling me that they had to do the home study according to Oregon rules but Abrazo specifying Texas rules. Finally I called the ICPC office for Oregon - way back in May of this year right after orientation. They really helped clarify that because the finalization takes place in Texas NOT Oregon that Texas law rules.
I know we sign things with Abrazo saying we swear never to contact ICPC officials but that only applies to ICPC time.
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Well, I've finished my last treatmen (December 23).
I felt okay for Christmas, just a little tired. I am now today actually feeling I can get off the couch and do some cleaning. 
I go for another CAT SCAN next week. So I went through a period of feeling sorry for myself which makes me really mad at myself. :angry: I got to thinking that it's been 4 years since we tried to start a family. We found out we couldn't so looked into adoption. Once we committed to adoption I was okay and started feeling happy again. We were so looking forward to soon having a little one to love. We had friends having problems also with getting pregnant so we had a couple of people to share our feelings with. Fast forward to now. We are still in limbo because of the cancer and all our friends have now had their babies. I'm am so happy for them but I feel like we've been left in the dust.
I know I need to take care of myself first. I know God has a plan for us and it may not be the one we thought it would be. We have to be patient.... I know all the sayings because I say them to myself all the time.
Sorry. I just needed to vent. It helps to get it out sometimes. I love the forum and how much support you all provide.
-Rebecca
VENT away girl!!! Get it off your chest so it doesn't stay there is how I figure it. I have felt that same feeling of being left in the dust, lapped, etc many times. Wishing I were there to give you a hug girl. I am however SO SO SO SO excited that your treatments are done. I have been thinking about you for days.
Suzi
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Daddy's are very special. sending our prayers for you and your family Elizabeth.
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We're cheering you on Rebecca and so glad you are nearing the end of treatments!!!
I think all of our losses on the way help us relate better to the brave women who make us parents.
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I have to say that this policy is one of the reasons we chose Abrazo. Thanks for not being shy or backing down about this policy Elizabeth.
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Wow - two Ben's stuck in Texas for turkey day (don't get our paperwork mixed up girls)! Congratulations Ben & Lisa!!!
From the other Ben & Suzi and Collin too
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Jen Amos and Elly sending congratulations and continued prayers your way. Can't wait to see the photo. You three are loved by so many out here in forumland.
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congratulations david and tammy, blessing to the baby's first mama.
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Thank you all for your well wishes. I love the posts that he is an answer to many prayers. If it takes a village to raise a child - this baby was brought into our family by a whole village, no bigger more like a city, of prayers - our forum family, stickybacks, my large family, Ben's large family, our church family, friends, etc etc just baffling and humbling to hear sometimes. Thank you all, we love you very much.
It's still kind of unreal after the journey we've been through to get to this point. Especially his name. I've three times picked baby names only to have someone else use them in a way that I just couldn't re-use the names ... a niece named Lillian who looks like me - A nephew named after Ben and the match we had last year used a slight variance on the name we picked for that little girl. I love the name Collin. I have wanted to name a son Collin since high school. I'm pretty sure I made Ben promise that we'd use this name before I would marry him. Edward is for Ben's father (it's his middle name) - a good man - a good example - someone we both love very much. Even amongst the indecision our friend put the name Collin Edward on the original birth certificate - scared me to death that we'd "lose" another name that is so dear to me (not to mention how in love with this baby we are). Mr Collin is surely an answer to prayers and a dream come true.
Yesterday my family buried my cousin's son, 10 year old Tristan who died of cancer. Perhaps affirmation that the Lord opens a window when he closes a door. I think T (as we call him) is Collin's guardian angel.
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Hurrah for halfway done Rebecca!!!
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Hurrah for the new family...I'm assuming it's Paul & Kristy... whose long suffering has finally paid off. Many prayers being send for the baby's first family.
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Congratulations to the new family and prayers of healing for this baby's first family.
Suzi and Ben
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We met a gal who is a distant relative recently. She is a newlywed and her husband has two very young children from a prior marriage. They showed us their "unity sand" from their wedding. It's a pretty glass lidded vase with 4 colors of sand in it. As part of their wedding ceremony the bride, groom and two kids each had a different color of sand which they poured into the vase. Once poured in of course the colors run together and cannot be separated (very easily) and make a very pretty kaleidascope (? spelling). She said this had a big impact on the children - that they've commented after the fact about the unity sand and what it means.
I thought this would make for a great adoption idea. Thought I'd share it in case others might like the idea. This gal indicated that the vase and sand all came from Michaels craft store.
Suzi
Trips to Texas
in Looking to Adopt
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we were in texas for three weeks waiting for clearance after placement of our sweet collin. we are from oregon and we were there over thanksgiving. the amount of time you are there in texas will depend on many things but I think abrazo always says expect about two weeks. our mach was too short to go for a visit beforehand so our trips to texas are... orientation (may 2008) and placement (Nov 2008), finalization later this year...