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suziandben

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Posts posted by suziandben

  2. Selecting the right family for your baby

    in Considering Adoption?

    Posted

    Beautiful! beautiful Ellen!

    I spent a lot of time singing to Collin as an infant (colic). I was cracking myself up one night - i should brainwash Collin with songs he should sing to me. So I was singing a song from church "mother I love you mother I do. Father in heaven has sent me to you..." Wow totally started bawling at those words I had forgotten. Today I sing this song to my boys all the time I just change the first word "Collin/parker ilove you Collin/parker I do father in heaven has sent me to you." I so agree god is in adoption.

    • Upvote 3

  5. Financing An Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    It's not reasonable or ethical to suggest that infertile folks should give their resources away so that other families can "stay together". There is no way to ever prove that giving funds to others will increase their own ability to parent. It's not always about the money for placing parents.

    I think this has been dis proven in a way given that state aid is so generous yet placements still happen especially in subsequent children. Money alone is not all it takes to a raise a child.

    • Upvote 1

  6. Destiny, Divine Intervention Or Wishful Thinking?

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    It's not a question for me that God was in our failed matches and our son's arrivals in our family. Just 2 days before (talk about coincidence) one of our biggest adoption heart breaks, I was at my sisters house. She pointed out to me that God uses ALL that is in our life for our good. She and her husband had started a business and she had so much faith that even if the business failed - it would still be an experience for their good and that they would learn from the experience. She encouraged me that even if the adoption plan did not result in placement, we were in that match for a reason. God would use the experience for our good.

    Wow was she right. 2 days later L was born, K chose to parent. If she had chosen to place with us I would have been stuck in the job I was in at the time. I would not have been able to get out. Because God placed that match in our path, and because it failed, we found abrazo 2 months later, I quit that very toxic job 5 months later and one year later I was exactly where I wanted to be... a mom, staying at home with my baby.

    Perhaps it's harder in others journeys to see such an obvious connection between a failed match and good things happening later. Perhaps you look at your journey and think no I think we could have skipped that failed match and not lost anything in our journey. I think that starts to assume that we know everything that could have been... what if that failed match were erased from your journey... would you have then had a different match that resulted in a different child? Or perhaps you would have not matched at all during that time and found yourself questioning your family's appeal to expectant parents or whether you'd ever be chosen. Perhaps you may never know the exact reason why and that is when faith kicks in - to be able to say I trust there was a purpose. I know everyone's personal feelings and religious convications are different. I don't ask you to believe the same as me. As we're all sharing and pondering I am just sharing my feelings that God is mindful of our families individually and uses every life experience for our good in one way or another.

    I don't believe he creates "bad" or "pain" (infertilty, failed adoptions, unplanned pregnancies, etc) but I do think he uses everything for our good. I am sure God had an inkling that K would parent and I'm sure he knew that it would be a very painful bump in our journey but I also think he knew how we would react to that heart break and the blessings that would come as a result. Perhaps he could have prompted Ben and I to not match with K and spare us of the heart break but then we would have missed out on the blessings/learnings as well. When I look at it that way I realize God doesn't want what is easiest or least painful for me, he wants what will be best for me.

    • Upvote 5

  9. Destiny, Divine Intervention Or Wishful Thinking?

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    I so agree with Melissa that God is in adoption. I felt soooooo strongly there was a brother for Collin that he would come in January. He was born Dec 31st so I was off by one day but he came! We too were not open to all races with our first adoption but felt very compelled to be open to all with our second adoption. i was convinced this meant that baby 2 would be AA. In the end our family of 4 is still 100% Caucasian despite those tugs to be "open". My only answer looking back is that we were growing and our hearts were open and that owning that was a good thing for us. My brother in law this summer married a gal who is AA and having all those talks with Ben and with our family perhaps helped prepare our family to love Alex unreservably (both our families were 100% caucasian until now). I also think that perhaps the message was that Ben and I needed to be open to something unexpected. I watched little Miss Sloan and her family 4 years ago and thought to myself thank goodness we didn't have a premie because there IS NO WAY we can do it. Then Parker was a premie and I spent a few weeks in panic mode not about him but about how am i going to do this with a 13 month old who can't go in the nicu and a baby who can't leave nicu. In the end things fell in place beautifully. I should have realized sooner this was the unexpected outcome our hearts were prepared to be open to.

    Regarding the story Elizabeth posted about a Utah family. I struggle when news stories specifically identify someone as LDS... like what kind of judgement are you asking me to make about this family before I even start the article? Why do they specifically note this family is an LDS family instead of just saying they are christian? If the family were catholic or Baptist would the article have specifically mentioned their religion? Anyway I'll get off my soapbox and say that I don't know this story of this adoption. It sounds like everyone knew that the husband/father was being deceived and did everything they could to support that deceit including violating the law? I agree with the blog Elizabeth linked to that perhaps coincidence in timing made this family feel this baby was a confirmation of their impressions. Maybe there was a reason that this was the match for their family... that doesn't mean they should be violating the law.. including retaining the child unlawfully. The blog poster nails it on the head when she quotes one of our articles of faith which says:

    "We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law."

  15. When Birthfamily Members Don't Support Adoption Choices

    in BirthGrandparents & Important Others

    Posted

    Adoption is certainly a realm of strong emotions. There are going to be few players that don't have a strong emotion of some kind. Some pushing for one outcome, some pulling for another outcome. While not to the extremes that Elizabeth shared there were (and are) strong emotions in our kid's birthfamilies. I don't know if there is a lot we can do to affect extended family members who oppose placement so adamantly. I use the word "a lot" on purpose. I think the thing we can MOST influence is how the expectant/new parent views us and their confidence or lack of confidence in placement.

    The day after collin was born as we were in the hospital with C, she had some visitors stop in to see her. We went to get some food and give C some space to talk freely with her visitors. One of the visitors shared a story (that C later shared with us). His sister was planning to place a baby for adoption. She gave birth and when the adoptive parents showed up at the hospital he said they gave her flowers and were like okay give us the baby. She decided that she would parent rather than place with this couple. After hearing how we were treating C, this guy was impressed. Comparing the two stories with this visitor build a lot of confidence in us with C. This story did NOT change the opinion of someone very close to C who was against the placement. Perhaps nothing would change that person's feelings... they haven't changed to this day sadly. But the story built C's confidence in her plan with us.

    My heart hurts for these new moms/dads torn in these family battles.

  17. The Adoption Tax Credit

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Copied from the IRS website:

    http://www.irs.gov/I...ons-and-Answers

    If an adoptive parent pays qualified adoption expenses in 2011 and the adoption is finalized in 2012, are those expenses first allowable on the 2011 income tax return or on the 2012 return?

    Answer: The expenses are first allowable on the 2012 income tax return (which will be filed in 2013).

    Can I claim the adoption credit expenses paid for an unsuccessful adoption?

    Answer: You can claim the adoption credit for qualified adoption expenses paid for the attempted adoption of an eligible child who was a U.S. citizen or resident at the time the adoption effort began. The credit is claimed for the year following the year of payment.

    Can qualified adoption expenses for multiple failed attempts be claimed in the same year as a completed final adoption?

    Answer: Yes, assuming the timing requirements are met. For example, if you paid qualified adoption expenses in 2010 both for a failed domestic adoption and for a successful domestic adoption that finalized in 2011, you can claim the expenses for both the failed and the successful adoptions for the 2011 year (subject to the dollar limitation). To claim the expenses, complete both Part I and Part II of Form 8839. Refer to the Form 8839 Instructions for additional information.

    For a domestic adoption, if qualifying adoption expenses are paid any year before the adoption becomes final, the proper year for claiming the credit is the year following the year of payment. If the qualifying adoption expenses are paid during or after the year the adoption becomes final, the credit is claimed for the year of payment.

    Thanks Suzi. This makes sense to me. Adoption expenses can be claimed for the credit in the tax year "after" payments were made, unless it's the year of finalization, in which case, all expenses would be allowable towards the credit in the same year. I guess everyone needs to work with their individual tax advisor to determine how it is interpretted.

    Karen

    The instructions for Form 8839 say you can take the credit even if the adoption never became final (if the failed attempt was a child that is a US citizen) so I would think no you would not have to pay back the credit. (If the child is a foreign child then any adoption credit can only be taken once the adoption is final.)

  18. The Adoption Tax Credit

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Let me clarify this explanation and say that the adoption credit limit is for ONE child so failed adoption attempts while you can get credit for those they don't increase the amount of total credit available for "child 1" whoever child 1 ends up being eventually (in my case collin)... So while in the example of my son collin, we had failed adoption costs that perhaps we could take sooner than some of collin's expenses, we were still limited to the $12k or $13k (whatever the limit was that year) of credit.

    So if I could dream up a really horrible example... let's say you had expenses related to a failed match that were $13k+ and maxed out the adoption credit, that's fine you can take it but then you get zero left over to take with your successful adoption.

    As always talk to your CPA about how these rules apply to you.

  19. Financing An Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Stork,

    Looks like the Q&A section of the abrazo.org adopting parent section needs an update with the changes listed above.

    http://abrazo.org/want-to-adopt/adopting-parent-faq/

    37. Does your “special needs” adoption option include bi-racial children or is that only children with physical special needs?

    Abrazo’s special needs program applies to children of any age of full African-American ancestry, children of any race who are over the age of five, sibling groups of more than three being placed together, and children with noncorrectable disabilities known to the agency at time of placement.

  20. The Adoption Tax Credit

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Does anyone know if maternity expenses paid for a failed match are deductible? Or would this be included in the fees that are applied toward the adoption credit after the next finalization? Just wondering since we incurred the maternity expenses in 2012 and won't have a finalization until 2013 at the soonest. I put a call into my CPA but haven't heard back yet - wondering if anyone has any experience with this.

    Thanks!

    Failed or succesful attempts to adopt follow the same rules. Expenses for a failed adoption attempt in late 2012 (therefore no successful finalization until 2013 or later) would apply to the adoption credit for 2013.

    The sticky thing is when you have last year adoption expenses (for example 2012) but no adoption yet when filing 2013 tax return. (Don't worry I'm not talking about you guys - this is not a forecast!) Actually, my husband and I were almost in that situation. It's been a while since I read up on it but my understanding is that you can take the adoption credit on unsuccessful attempts without waiting for the successful attempt. So for example my husband and I started our adoption journey in 2003, we had a match fall apart 2 years before our son collin - we had no name or tax id number for that little girl. If collin had not come along in late 2008 we could have listed our failed match as "child 1" and attached our home study to our tax return. The instructions for Form 8839 list a home study as one of the options for proof to attach to the 8839.

  21. The Adoption Tax Credit

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Copied from the IRS website:

    http://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Adoption-Credit-Phone-Forum-Questions-and-Answers

    If an adoptive parent pays qualified adoption expenses in 2011 and the adoption is finalized in 2012, are those expenses first allowable on the 2011 income tax return or on the 2012 return?

    Answer: The expenses are first allowable on the 2012 income tax return (which will be filed in 2013).

    Can I claim the adoption credit expenses paid for an unsuccessful adoption?

    Answer: You can claim the adoption credit for qualified adoption expenses paid for the attempted adoption of an eligible child who was a U.S. citizen or resident at the time the adoption effort began. The credit is claimed for the year following the year of payment.

    Can qualified adoption expenses for multiple failed attempts be claimed in the same year as a completed final adoption?

    Answer: Yes, assuming the timing requirements are met. For example, if you paid qualified adoption expenses in 2010 both for a failed domestic adoption and for a successful domestic adoption that finalized in 2011, you can claim the expenses for both the failed and the successful adoptions for the 2011 year (subject to the dollar limitation). To claim the expenses, complete both Part I and Part II of Form 8839. Refer to the Form 8839 Instructions for additional information.

    For a domestic adoption, if qualifying adoption expenses are paid any year before the adoption becomes final, the proper year for claiming the credit is the year following the year of payment. If the qualifying adoption expenses are paid during or after the year the adoption becomes final, the credit is claimed for the year of payment.

  25. A Birth Grandmother's Role

    in BirthGrandparents & Important Others

    Posted

    Mari, I had a light bulb moment today ... How do you pronounce your name? I realized today I know a mari here and I think I have been reading your name wrong as I read.

    Mah-dee?

    LOL....Suzi as long as you do not pronounce it MARY I am pretty ok with however people pronounce it... but how I say it is pronounced with a spanish sound...if you can say the word ocean in spanish that sounds out the first part mar if you can't then the english sounding is the month of march without the ch ... for the second/last part the i in spanish is pronounced like e so it would be mar e .....You probably were not banking on a spanish lesson :D

    And thought I had it because my friend has a Spanish pronunciation too. :). Actually I might still have gotten it right the d sound might just be gringo-ized r sound. Lol

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