Runyan2002
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Posts posted by Runyan2002
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I just join in the conversation but always refer to them as thier biological or birth parents. They normally catch it. If not, I mention it (people also just say "mom" or "dad" or "parents"). I usually am pretty nice about it. If it's someone I have many conversations with, I correct them for future use. If not, I will let them go on more before I correct them (I don't want people to feel stupid either).
It's easy for US to see the offense in it, but for people who have nevr thought twice about it, they don't know. Because of this, I usually stay nice & they learn from the language i use.
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Yeah I totally agree Amanda...I wasn't too fond of the wording. I already don't like people to think we adopted to save a child.
I thought this was dissing the yard sale itself...I will say going public & writing an article on it is a bit much right? Plus the address in there?? I mean...wow...basically that tells me you hope people send anonymous donations. Which is sorta ewwwky (this is my pride talking too though).
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I don't know...I had friends that did this, including selling pampered chef to raise money. I don't think it's all that bad. I know we thought about it this time before we realized we had the money thankfully.
I don't think it's always a matter of "okay, you don't have 20,000 so do foster." Foster care is specific...it is HARD. I have many family who has adopted or fostered. We even thought about it, until we never recieved a phone call at. all. This was about a little girl who had drug issues & none of her family wanted her (poor thing), I happened to know someone who knew the foster mom is how we found out about it... Foster care isn't always an option & it can be a long very hard road dealing with the state...waiting for TPR, and some people do want an infant (like us). Selfish? Maybe...but adoption is selfish for many aparents.
Anyways...I don't think the normal family has 10 - 20,000 plus laying around they can access for an adoption. It was HARD for us to save the money, but thankfully we were able to. A lot of financially successful people aren't. That's a lot of money though and some people need help to raise it. I'm not sure I would judge a family because they weren't able to find 20,000 for an infant adoption so they tried to raise the money.
Now that being said I am not fond of a lot of the wording in it...like they are saving the child, but that may just be the person who wrote it.
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But I think it is helpful to examine how every adopting parent who fills out that information to think about how you would respond if you gave birth to a child with the same ailment, and further explore whether your ability to "handle it" might differ-- and why?
(Although this particular case is obviously specific to the special needs thread, keep in mind that the reasons potential adoptive parents "walk away" from babies in the hospital aren't alway medically-related... sometimes it happens due to gender, or skin color, or hair color, even! Go figure!?)
I love these thought-provoking posts and it would be great to hear other's take on things, but I also understand that it isn't always the fun thing to go against the norm.
On that note, I don't necessarily always post what I believe but rather play devil's advocate to put the less popular thought out there. I do think that we might never be able to understand why someone walks away from the placement of a child (even if they tried to explain it). I am thinking that in some of these cases, we should just be thankful that the child didn't end up in the home of those that walked away.
I whole heartedly agree!! I also love others who step out & challenge a belief...it makes you look at an issue from another side. Makes you step back & think about things.
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While I don't think that I could have turned away because of a heart defect, it obviously was no less an easy choice for this woman to walk away. We chastise her for knowing that she couldn't handle a situation, but we applaud birthmothers for having the same strength?
I am so very thankful that this little miracle was found by a family that has embraced her and her potential future afflictions and ailments instead of being a burden to someone and being reminded daily through word or deed that she was not their idea. I love it when families can truly work through some of the worst of issues!
I don't know, I see it as a huge difference. A birthmother did not specifically choose to become a mother by adoption. When you take on this role...as a potential adoptive parent, you must know that the child might have problems, just as if you were to have a biological child. I believe that we as adoptive parents have a bigger responsibility to uphold. To do this to a birthmother...and a child...is heartbreaking. I know it was a struggle to walk away, but at the same time just because we are adoptive parents...do we really have the "right" to choose to walk away after the birth because of medical reasons once we are committed to a match? I of course, have the same issues with parents walking away from thier biological child because of a medical issue. If this wasn't a case of adoption...and just a case of parents walking away specifically only becaue of this child's medical issue...would we not be appalled? Maybe I am judging to harshly knowing she was pg because of IVF also....
Don't get me wrong, if she couldn't handle it then I am very glad she admitted it & walked away. But shouldn't we decide this before hand? If this is the case...we truley cannot handle it, should we only match with babies that are already born? There is always this risk in a pregnancy...
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Another story of a baby left behind by the would-be adopters who walked out on her after her birth, and the loving arms that found her and took her in, after that: The Miracle of Emma.
What a bittersweet story!!! I'm so glad she found the right parents for her...poor thing.
I can not believe that a)someone would have in vitro while trying to adopt,
they would turn the child away. What if thier child from in vitro would have the same ailment??? Would they turn away? Probably not...but alas that is why God made sure she was not this child's mother I presume... -
Oh congratulations to all the new parents!!!
Dy - I followed your story & I am so happy for the both of you & that special birthmommy!!
Laurie - WOW! What a shock & a beautiful twist to your story! Congratulations to you & prayers sent for thier birthmom.
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Oh, but they do. I have heard it on many occasions sitting in birthparent support group. The "girls" will be talking about their chosen families and say "my adoptive parents..." They of course don't mean it literally, but they do feel a sense of ownership. They show off your profiles/pictures to each other so everyone in the group can get to know you as well. I have also heard on many occasions the girls debating over who's adoptive parents are the best, i.e. "I have the best adoptive parents," "No, my adoptive parents are the best parents!" I find this type of conversation quite endearing, not awkward.
Also, isn't calling a woman a birthparent before she places essentially the same thing as calling parents who adopted, adoptive parents after the adoption is finalized? Would this not be just as offensive???
Aww that is too sweet!!! I love seeing that picture of all of them talking.
I can see how it is a term of endearment, I just think (if you do choose to use this) it takes some getting to (as Heidi previously posted), and I just find it a little inappropriate to use before placement, when they are not even a birthparent yet, much less YOUR birthmom. Of course, not every situation is the same either!
Also, I don't think it is nearly offensive when speaking of adoptive parents because of the obvious difference..plus the expectant parent hasn't made thier decision FOR SURE, as most potential adoptive parents have. Plus you are talking about a difficult loss, and a very hard decision...versus for the adoptive parents a happy decision, based mostly on gain...
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I must say I fully agree with Heidi on this one...respectfully also.
Although I never thought about it until someone corrected me a while back on it...so yes guilty here also!To me, claiming a birthmother OR expectant parent at any point of the relationship makes me flinch. To me when you "claim" someone you (without even knowing) automatically puts yourself "above" them...like you "own" them. Or they "owe" you something. At least...to me this is how I would take it as a birthmother. Also...I believe that while some birthmother's wear that badge with honor (as they should), it is because they are that CHILD'S birthmother. So in a way, you are taking away some of that by claiming she is "our" birthmother. I hope this is making sense. I know if Christopher's birthmom said "my adoptive parents"...well...that would just be awkward to me, and it most certainly would if she said "my parents". But by saying "My son's adoptive parents" (or just parents even, though I do believe sometimes labels are needed to clarify) to me that respects my place even more, and puts us at an equal playing field. I guess "our birthmom" makes her sound like...well...sort of a puppy or something to me! LOL
I understand some people do it as a term of endearment, and as a way to welcome them as not only thier child's birthmother, but part of the family. I would say to talk to your child's birthparents about this. If they love it, go with it!
I think by saying "M - my child's birthmother - and our friend & family" is better...albiet longer. LOL I actually would rather say her name more than anything, because she is so much more than just his birthmother to us, or even his first mother (even though I belive these are badges of honor) because she didn't just do one act in his life. She is and always will be his mother that placed yet is continuing to put her child first by remaining in his life & becoming a part of this beautiful open adoption relationship, even though it can hurt at times. Of course...that is WAY too long to post with. Maybe I can put Christopher's MTPYICTPHCFBRIHLNBAPOTBOARETICHAT to shorten it. Hahahaha!
I especially love the term birthmommy, especially when the kids are young. Just my opinion of course, but Mommy is so much more endearing that Mom or "mother".
I also think it's vitally important to watch your language before the mother has made the decision to place. When you are in a fragile or stressful state, every word can sting. When I am stressed out, or beginning a new relationship, I hold on to a person's every word. I think by not referring to them as a birthmom yet, and by reiterating to them that they are EXPECTING, you are telling them that you respect the fact that this decision hasn't been made yet, and allowing them to enjoy that time. You aren't second guessing them, or thier choices up to this point, you are just giving them that special time with that baby.. Of course, this is all my opinion & I know not every person or expectant mom feels the same.
I know I am careful with wording even now after placement. When I talk to M, I don't tell her "my son" this and "my son" that. I say "our son" if I do (which she loves)...or I call him by name. When I talk about his features he is getting, or things he is doing, I ask her if A (Chris' sister) ever did that, or if she has this or that feature. I'm not saying I think this would devastate her if I said "my son" or if I didn't do it...or that I don't take ownership that he is my child. I just know that sometimes we can go a little farther to help include them even just by our words, especially at the beginning when they are having to learn to trust us & what we said before placement.
Hold on everyone, I have found the solution. It came to me whilst typing a PM to Heidi, with whom I have been holding a lively discussionHow about this:
Dear Woman Who Chose Us To Match With But Will Not Be A Birth Mother Until She Gives Birth, And Will Not Be Our Son's Birth Mother Until We Take Placement
or DWWCUTMWBWNBABMUSGBAWNBOSBMUWTP for short.
(okay, I'll go put on my helmet now)
Linda
LOL - okay so I was typing as you posted!! Ha!
Although I think the word Mother (instead of Birth Mother)...that would shorten it too! So I would say:
Dear Woman Who Chose Us To Match With But Will Not Be A Mother Until She Gives Birth, And Will Not Be Our Son's Birth Mother Until We Take Placement
or DWWCUTMWBWNBAMUSGBAWNBOSBMUWTP for short.
Okay there. Perfect!
LOL
You see? You can't make ANYONE happy!!!
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Congratulations to a very special birthmom & a very special family!!
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What a beautiful story!!
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Congratulations to your newly extended family!!! He is beautiful!! Enjoy the life as a mother of two!
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Hi Natalie,
I love your reply!!!
So many of us have many years behind us now... since orientation(s). You do seem to forget all the emotions and thoughts that we ALL had to work through to get us where we are today. Thanks for reminding me of mine.
I can remember leaving orientation so excited about "who" our Birthmom would be...and she became very real to me before we even knew each other. I was so open to knowing her and helping her through, not sure how at that point, but open nonetheless. I can remember thinking I wanted to embrace her the same way I would want to be embraced, if we switched places.
Thanks Natalie!
Karen
Aw your welcome!! You have so many great answers that make me reflect & think...it's great to repay you!
Natalie
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Welcome, Pam and Chris!!
Welcome to the forum Pam and Chris!! You are in for the ride of your lives!! These ladies (every one of them) ROCK!
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I think most everyone goes to orientation feeling that way. They are hesitant about this "open adoption" concept. We were! It wasn't until the research we did...and then talked to people on every side of the triad in another forum. I started to associate "birthparent" with an actual person. Both of us had to let go of sterotypes that we had in our head, and it seemed like the more we learned the less scared we became. Ignorance is what led us to fear.
The main thing I had to overcome is my OWN insecurities. I didn't want my child to know another mom because I didn't want "competition". I wanted to be thier one and only. It was me who was insecure about my place in my child's life, which isn't fair for my child. It's a reality check I think a lot of adoptive parents in closed adoption used to go through when thier child started reunion. The nice thing with open adoption is, you do this BEFORE the child is in your home, so it's not a burden on them.
Now that we are living two very different open adoptions, I wouldn't do it any other way. One takes harder work than the other...but both are so worth it. Don't let fears stand in your way!! Learn and learn and learn some more!!
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CONGRATULATIONS!!! Here's to an amazing start to becoming a family of four!! Enjoy the journey!!!!
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I think these grandparents are doing what any grandparents would do. It's so sad though...do they have no idea at all what happened to this child?
Natalie
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Thank you so much everyone!!! Our baby boy is absolutely amazing...a FANTASTIC baby (shhh it's our first night so don't want to jinx it)! We just got home FINALLY in Dallas & all children are sleeping (still amazing I have childREN!)
We love all of you & thank you so much for your support! What a wild, amazing, wonderful ride!
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Thanks everyone! We are completely stoked. Application has arrived & we are going to orientation TOMORROW! I still can't believe it. I have to bring Cooper to my mom's for the weekend...which will mean meeting her halfway three hours from here in OKC, but she is so excited to have him & he loves them.
This is actually the longest I have left him....but the good news is we'll be busy so won't have that much time to think about it. lol
Thank you everyone for your support throughout the process thus far!
Natalie
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Okay it's a GOOO!!!
My hubby laughed at me...he's so used to my "last minute" stuff. I don't know why I always tend to be that way...
Anyways, I'm sending that puppy in first thing in the morning (I KNEW I shoud have made Keith sign those papers last night), and we are off! Reservations at hotel...check! Travel...well we're driving so CHECK! Cooper Arrangements...CHECK!
Now it's figuring out what to pack...hmmm....maybe in honor of my last minute rush I should come in with my shirt inside out, jeans backward, and mismatched shoes...nah I would blend in too much with all the other mom's!!
Susan - that is one GREAT shool photo!! Cooper always looks mischievious in his photos...maybe it's because I can see right through his little crooked smile and gleam in his eyes.....
Natalie
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You better bet your bottom I would but I am waiting for my stinkin 25th Birthday May 31. Who'd of ever thought that I couldn't WAIT to be older?? So I have 22 days (give and take ha ha) to send this puppy in.
With the power vested in me by Abrazo's Board of Directors, I will officially waive the agency's requirement that you be 25 years of age in order to submit your application, if it means we have a young couple with your wisdom and grace to add to our special needs program in the ten day file activation period following your attendance at next weekend's orientation!! How's that for being flexible to the needs of our clientele?
Holy Moly!!! Okay so I'm freaking out right now...I have to call my dh and make sure he can get off early Friday (just so happens I am off that day...coincidence or fate? LOL). I also have to make arrangements for Cooper, though with my parents I'm sure this won't be hard. OMG Should I overnight my application?
Okay...waiting extrememly unpatiently for a return call from the hubby. HELLO?? This is WAY more important than the extremely important huge job he has to have out in an hour. GEESH! LOL
Natalie
P.s. Thank you for your compliments!!
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We are still trying to decide on if we are going to orientation (we are doing the promesa program so it's optional), I REALLY want to but the next one isn't until July...and then it's only for childless couples so who knows.
So why not send that application in and join us for orientation next weekend!?! You'll be in good company, with four other already-parenting couples, and we're just 5 hours down Interstate 35! Come on down! You'll be glad you did!
LOL You better bet your bottom I would but I am waiting for my stinkin 25th Birthday May 31. Who'd of ever thought that I couldn't WAIT to be older?? So I have 22 days (give and take ha ha) to send this puppy in.
Of course, my friends my take that long to send in thier letters! (HA, just kidding, hopefully).
Natalie
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MOOOOM!!
My application is taunting me!!!!!
Okay so there in my computer room (let's call it an office so we sound classier) is my application folder. All filled out. Everything done. All the checkmarks checked. And the end of May is going by SLOOOWER and slower (though I always feel busy and rushed....why is that?) Soooo it waits....everything but a few signatures & a stamp, but it's nice to think I'm done with the first part. We are still trying to decide on if we are going to orientation (we are doing the promesa program so it's optional), I REALLY want to but the next one isn't until July...and then it's only for childless couples so who knows.
Funny...my dh and I were looking at baby pictures and videos of Cooper...he turned to me and went "Okay now I want another one...I'm getting excited." LOL Of course he already told me he wanted another one a while ago after we talked about it but he likes to pretend he's not as excited as me....but he is! Men...I swear I can see right through him
! So who else is waiting & sending thier application right now?
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Natalie,
First of all, I loved your post. You always have a great way of stating your emotions, and I love your perspectives. (sp?) I can't ever seem to get my thoughts in order enough to post something meaningful. I think that the level of trust in the Lord that it takes to go through the adoption process, or even begin the process, automatically grows your faith. I don't understand how people who have no faith/belief go through something like this. I know that their are "good" people that don't believe in God that adopt, but without my faith, I would be lost in this process.
It is sad that it took that long for me trust God & his timing...Second, if you believe in the Sovereignty of God, even the time that it took for you to actually trust God was ultimately part of His plan for you. So to me, that isn't sad at all, it was just part of His timing. (Not an easy part, but still part.)
I understand what you meant, I just wanted to give you another way of looking at it.Awww thanks Julie!!
LIGHT A CANDLE
in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck
Posted
I have lit a candle for every birthparent out there who may be hurting today. May you find peace & comfort.
Love
Natalie