marthaj
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Posts posted by marthaj
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I missed the show also...Dr Phil comes on at 3pm here, right after Catherine gets home from school, so I focus on spending some quality time with her then.
I did check out the Dr Phil website, and the first thing I noticed when I clicked on the "adoption" topic link was at the bottom of the page...it says Thanks to the Gladney Center and gives their web site. Apparently Gladney has been advising Dr Phil. Hmmm.....that explains a lot....
Back to the family in question...after reading the summary, what I came away with was that the a/mother kept saying she didn't "feel" anything for the child....
Well, I just want to say...
LOVE IS A COMMITMENT, NOT A FEELING!!!
May I repeat that...
LOVE IS A COMMITMENT, NOT A FEELING!!!
You cannot always trust your feelings...but you can ALWAYS honor your commitments!!
But, I would like to know....what kind of an agency would allow these people to take a child in the middle of the night while he was asleep?? Was there no preparation for this child?? Didn't he have the opportunity to at least meet them first, so they weren't total and complete strangers??
I believe I read that for Russian adoptions, the adoptive parent(s) make at least 2 trips over....one to meet the child and begin the required in-country paperwork, then the second trip after it is approved. (Maybe this depends on the particular country). In the meantime they can keep in touch through letters and pictures. This seems a much "kinder and gentler" way to do it.
I hope Dr Phil will do a follow-up on this one...I think all of America feels for him.
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Dear Brenda & Jenny,
I've posted this before under another topic, but I strongly feel that being a family is so much more about RELATIONSHIP than about biology!! Having children that don't look like you is much more common today than in years past. Interracial marriages are much more common...and often the children look more like one parent than the other, or don't look exactly like either of them...there is divorce and remarriage with the blending of families...there are those who remarry (maybe more than once) and have children by each different father, who may or may not be of the same race... do you see what I mean? So the "he/she doesn't look exactly like me or their siblings" is out there whether adoption is involved or not!!
Being Hispanic does not necessarily mean a dark skin tone, either. My daughter is 100% Hispanic (her b/father was born in Mexico, her b/mother is Mexican/American) but Catherine's skin tone is just like ours! Her first pediatrician said she must be of Spanish/Castillian descent (as in the explorers from Spain who came to Mexico). So sitting next to the beautiful little Latinas at school who have the long, dark brown or black hair with bangs and brown skin tone, my curly light brown haired daughter Catherine looks very anglo!
So, just answer the truth...if someone asks if they are both/all yours, just smile, say simply "Yes" and walk away. Strangers don't deserve more, and true friends really wouldn't even think of asking!
Now, let me ask YOU all something...because I am 50, and I sometimes don't make it back to the hairdresser before my gray roots start to show
, I'm often mistaken for being Catherine's GRANDMOTHER!! Now, do ya'll have a snappy comeback for that one??? 
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RECIPE FOR JOY
PREPARATION: Find a bowl made of love. Preheat your spirit with faith and hope.
ADD: 2 cups of positive attitude.
SIFT FOR JOY ROBBERS: Fear, low self-esteem, anger, resentment and rejection.
POUR: 1 full cup of vision. Should be clear of any loose particles, like jealousy, envy.
BLEND: 2 heaping tablespoons of celebration and humor.
MIX: Stir the ingredients together with purpose
YIELD: A spiritual advantage that lifts you, sustains you, and brings you and those connnected to you to a place of increase.
(From the book "Who Stole my Joy" by Sandra Steen)
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This from an Associated Press story in today's newspaper
GREAT-GRANDMA, 59, PREGNANT WITH TWINS
A 59 year old great-grandmother is pregnant with twins and is due next month, three decades after her tubes were tied.
"They came untied," Frances Harris said Thursday.
The multiple birth due Dec 21 would break a purported record set this week by a 56 year old New York mother of twins.
Harris said she wasn't trying to get pregnant -- and didn't realize she was -- until she started gaining weight and went to see her doctor.
The news was even more shocking considering Harris -- the mother of five, grandmother of 14 and great-grandmother of six -- had her tubes tied 33 years ago.
Harris had her first child when she was 15; 44 years will separate her first-born from the newborns.
The oldest American believed to have given birth to twins is Aleta St. James, who turns 57 today. (See Elizabeth Ann's Nov 11 post).
Okay, folks, anyone care to top this one???
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Thanks, Elizabeth, I feel so much younger now!!!
I didn't know which to join first when I turned 50....the PTA or AARP!!
(I did join the PTA...however, I'm not ready to start sending in those dues to AARP just yet!!)
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Catherine has a full-bio birth sister, who is just 15 mos. older than Catherine. I feel this is the primary reason Catherine was placed, because her then 17 yr old b/mom had dropped out of school to care for one toddler with no real family support. It makes me so sad that Catherine's b/mom did not want to continue contact (we spoke several times by phone after placement, but she told me not to call her anymore when Catherine was about 4 or 5 mos old...I suspect due to family pressure to sever contact.) I continued to mail cards, letters and pictures, which all went unanswered. Now I just submit my annual year end letter and pictures through Abrazo.
Whenever we talk about Catherine's b/family, I always refer to them as "your birthmother (name), your birthfather (name), and THEIR DAUGHTER (name.)" I just don't want to emphasize the "sister" connection right now. I know, I'm just avoiding the inevitable, but 6 yr olds can ask a lot of questions without having the ability to fully grasp the answer. If I told Catherine she has a sister, she would start asking "When can I see her? Can we invite her over to play? Can I go over to her house? Why doesn't she live with us? Let's get in the car and drive over to her house (500 miles???!!!) right now" and of course it would lead to the inevitable "Why did my birthmother keep her and not me" question.
Catherine has already asked the "Why didn't my birthmother want to keep me" question, and the fact that her birthmom was 17 and not married didn't really register with her. But my hopes and prayers are that one day, Catherine's b/mom will contact us, not for my benefit but for the benefit of Catherine and her sister (and any other siblings that have been or will be born).
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I just saw something interesting on the Bio Channel on cable. They were profiling Ray Liotta (of the movies "Goodfellas" and "Field of Dreams" among others) and mentioned he was an adopted child (obviously through a closed adoption....he had no information on his b/mother.) Even in his late teens and early 20's he had much self-doubt and sadness, wondering how his b/mother could "give her baby up." His way of dealing with these emotions was to channel his feelings through his acting, which actually gave him a more intense persona. It wasn't until he was in his mid-40's, married and with a child on the way, that he knew he HAD to locate his birth mother.
Ray's wife used a professional locator service, and after talking initially by telephone, Ray was finally able to meet his b/mother. She told him that at the time he was born, she was a single mother who was not financially able to care for a second child, and give him the life he deserved. So she placed him for adoption so he could have a loving family. This knowledge of the circumstances under which he was placed for adoption brought him the peace of mind that he had not had for over 40 years!!! He then understood that his mother placed him out of love, and he was then able (I think) to truly begin to love and accept himself.
How sad that the closed adoption practices of the past caused this man to wonder about himself for over 40 years!!!! But how wonderful that open adoption is becoming the norm and that Abrazo has been on the leading edge of this "revolution" for 10 years!! Bravo!
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I recommend that PIW buy a couple disposable cameras ahead of time, and stick them in their travel bag. That way, if you get "The Call" and in your excitement forget to pack your digital camera (or you do bring it but the battery dies while you are taking pictures, as usually happens to me!) you at least have something ready to go. Most photo developers have a box you can check to include a disc, so you can still share your photos on-line!
Just an idea!!
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Ann,
What a beautiful picture! There is just something about a sleeping child that melts my heart! Even now, if Catherine is laying down for a nap (which doesn't happen very often with a 6 year old!) I'll tip toe into her bedroom just to watch her sleep.
Pure innocence!!
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In addition to the Gift of Adoption Fund (please see my previous post) check out another web site
www.motherscharm.com
They offer a book entitled "You Can Afford Adoption" for $17.50.
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My only response would be (since you asked) why is your screen name "Adoptive Dad" and not just "Dad"???????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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In the latest issue of Family Circle magazine (dated November 9, 2004) there is an article entltled "Adoption Angels." The article focuses on the charitable organizations that have been established to assist couples with adoption expenses, for both domestic and international adoptions.
One of the organizations that assist with the costs of a domestic adoption is the "Gift of Adoption Fund" and they can be located on the web @
www.giftofadoption.org
This foundation offers "grants for adoptive families facing financial hardship during the final phases of adoption." You must already be home-study approved by the state in which you reside. The fund can assist with adoption expenses by "filling in the gaps," and preference is given to those couples in the process of adopting who are experiencing financial hardship or can demonstrate financial need.
To date, the fund has "awarded nearly $600,000 in grants ranging from $2,000 to $5,000, helping upward of 200 children. The fund currently has five chapters in the United States." There is a one time $20 application fee.
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So many adoption agencies are "done" with their clients after the adoption is finalized. Some friends of ours, who adopted their infant daughter (three years ago) through another local agency, asked us if we had sought out a support group for adoptive parents. We told them "No," we didn't feel the need to, because our agency hosts a reunion weekend (Camp Abrazo) each year, and we receive enough positive affirmation from that weekend to last all through the year!!! They thought a reunion weekend was a terrific idea!!
Their agency, on the other hand, dropped all contact with them after their adoption was finalized. They had so many unanswered questions about raising an adopted child that they had to join an adoptive parents support group through a local family services organization.
Two different families, two different adoption experiences, two beautiful daughters....but only one Abrazo!!! Guess which one of us is most satisfied with our agency experience???
P.S. O.K. ...just in case you haven't figured it out...WE ARE! Abrazo has continued to "embrace" us as part of their family, which attests to their firm commitment to ensure loving "forever" families for the precious children placed in their care!!
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Dear Dreamer,
I have a few ideas I'd like to share. Most churches these days are on the web. Why don't you see if some of your area churches have a web site? Try using www.(the church name).com or .org. Their home page should list the various activities available. Also check out the religion page in your local newspaper, and your area's yellow pages. Churches may list their web sites there as well.
You didn't mention if you belong to a specific religious denomination (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, etc.) If not, you might check out one of the nondenominational churches in your area. They tend to be the fastest growing and offer a wide variety of programs for all age groups.
Is there a local Christian radio station in your area? They frequently air info on local church events, advertise church activities, and broadcast radio sermons from local ministers. Tune in and see if there's something you like!
Also check to see if they offer a staffed nursery. It's really very difficult for our little guys and gals to sit still through an entire service! In fact, I read somewhere that a child just cannot be expected to sit still for an entire hour until they are at least 4! Even then they become restless. So a nursery would be high on my list.
To answer your question..."what is your church like"...we are Catholic. The Catholic Church is very family oriented. Catherine is enrolled in Religious Education this year (the Catholic term for Sunday School). She attends her own children's church while the adults are listening to the homily in the main church. In the summer there is Vacation Bible School and sports through the Catholic Youth Organization (CYO). I'm involved with our Mother's Enrichment Group and I also volunteer as a Vacation Bible School teacher each June.
Dreamer, one last consideration....you might check with some other families at the church you are currently attending and see if they feel the same way...that there just aren't enough family programs available to meet their needs...and possibly you all could meet with your ministry staff. Maybe they just aren't aware of your need!! Maybe ya'll could organize a Family Potluck Picnic...or a Fall Fun Day...and each family could bring a dish to share and organize some children's games. These are how a lot of programs get started. Just an idea!!
Whatever you choose, good luck on your spiritual journey. I truly feel that our children NEED spiritual formation and moral values. I grew up in a time when prayers were still said in public school (we sung grace "God is great and God is good, and we thank Him for our food. By His hand may all be fed, give us Lord our daily bread. Amen") in the lunch line before going into the lunchroom. For some kids, that was probably the only mention of God's goodness they heard all day. Now even that has been taken out of the schools. So it's even more important that we, as parents, provide that spiritual direction for our children.
God Bless!
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Dear Aunt 2b,
Have your sister and her husband taken placement yet, or are they just in the beginning stages of the adoption process?? My guess is once that little baby is in their arms and welcomed into the family, there won't be any difference between one grandchild and the other. Perhaps your father just hasn't gotten use to the idea yet. I suggest you maintain a positive attitude about it within the family, and just try to ignore the negative attitudes and comments. His attitude may change completely once he sees their joy and happiness.
I'm glad you found the Forum, where we exist to encourage and support one another through all aspects of the adoption process!
Good luck, and please come back often!
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I'm bringing this topic back to the forefront because I found a story which fits beautifully. It is one birthmother's story, as told in the October 2003 issue of Parents magazine. (Don't know why I didn't discover this earlier...the magazine was on the bottom of the pile I'm beginning to sort through!!) I'm posting the article in its entirety.
"I CHOSE ADOPTION FOR MY BABY"
a birthmother describes the heartbreak of parting with the child she had grown to love.
By Jennifer Davidson
When I discovered I was pregnant six years ago, I was single, immature, jobless, and still in college. I didn't know at the time what it meant to be a good mother, but I was wise enough to realize that the life I could offer my child was not what I wanted for him. Four months into my pregnancy, I decided to place my baby for adoption.
A friend suggested I look into an open adoption, in which a birthmother can choose the parents for her child and maintain contact with them over the years. I knew immediately that this was the right choice for me. I discussed the idea with my ex-boyfriend, the baby's father, who said he would support whatever decision I made.
I looked in the Yellow Pages for attorneys and called several before settling on a woman who sounded great on the phone. I met her, and over the next few days I pored over dozens of resumes from prospective parents. All of the couples seemed kind and loving, but something about the pictures of Michael and Renee stood out. They looked wholesome and genuine; I instantly felt connected. A few days later, I met them for dinner, and I knew that they were the ones I wanted for my child. Before we left the restaurant, I asked them to be my baby's parents.
The next six months brought us closer than I'd ever imagined possible. We became constant companions: we met each other's families, shared dinners and shopping trips. Michael and Renee accompanied me to my obstetrician visits and were my coaches in Lamaze class. The three of us discussed baby names, and they were with me in the delivery room when Colin Dean, 6 lbs and 13 oz was born.
I felt on top of the world. My baby was beautiful and in my arms. He had two mothers who loved him and who believed he made the earth spin. It was a euphoric moments for all of us -- and then it was time to go home.
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I still have the crumpled tissues from those final moments with my son tucked away in a tiny satin bag. They hold the saddest tears I have ever cried.
After leaving the hospital, I sat in the parking lot with empty arms, watching Renee calm my crying baby with her gentle "Hush" as she made her way toward her car. The sight of them driving off was more than I could bear. I went home with an empty womb to an empty bed.
That night, I clutched the thin receiving blanket that had been wrapped around my son, praying that the smell of him would last forever. For weeks, I refused to remove my hospital bracelet or my toenail polish from the day he was born. The plan that had seemed so well thought out, so carefully considered, meant nothing to my heart. All I knew was that I was a mother without my child.
I immediately returned to school and to a demanding new job. My goal was to stay so busy that I wouldn't be able to dwell on the pain. Yet I could think of nothing but Colin. For months, I found myself returning to the places I had gone when I was pregnant -- places where I could still feel my son's presence.
All that year, my life revolved around visits to Renee and Michael's home, where I could cuddle my son to remind him of my voice and the feel of my body. The bittersweet joy of our closeness was tempered by my heartbreak: I watched as his home became filled with toys I had not selected, baby gadgets I didn't know how to use, and pictures of my child with people I'd never met. On the awful day that my son tried to claw his way out of my arms and back into the safe harbor of Renee's, I felt that my sacrifice was just too much.
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Shortly after Colin's first birthday, Michael and Renee told me they were leaving California and moving back to Colorado, where they'd lived previously. This marked a real turning point for me: I knew I had to either sink or swim.
It took several more years of tears and struggling to figure out what healing might feel like, but finally I have reached a place where I am comfortable. Michael, Renee, Colin and I are still a family. We talk regularly, and we exchange cards, pictures and little gifts. When I married a great man four years ago, Michael and Renee were there, and Colin was our ring bearer. They also flew out for the birth of my daughter, Georgia, three years ago.
For Colin's last birthday, I wrote a poem about an adventure he and I had shared when I was 7 months pregnant with him. A few days after I sent it, Renee called to say how much the poem meant to him. She then told me, for the first time, about a special collection that Colin keeps on a shelf next to his bed: all of the cards, letters and pictures that I've been sending since the day he was born.
It dawned on me then, in the most profound way, that I had succeeded in building a bridge between me and my son; I had found a way to connect to him and to remind him always of my unconditional love. Despite the fact that I'm not with him day to day, Colin is growing up with the understanding that I am a vital part of him. In his history, his heritage, his face, and slices of his character, there I am.
I know I will always be involved in Colin's life as we continue to define my place in his world, and his in mine. Though the pain of giving up my baby will never completely fade, I am comforted knowing that my choice has given my son the best life possible. Finally, I am at peace and can only smile at what the future holds.
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Happy, happy birthday to my dear friend Judy, and happy 6th birthday to Catherine! I am truly blessed, with a friendship lasting over 20 years, and a daughter to love forever.
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This one is a classic! It is truly timeless, providing wisdom for all generations!
YOUR CHILD
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
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To My Precious Children (and all the children of our world)
by Gary Neuman
I know what's important now.
I haven't used a bathroom in peace for years.
I've taxied children to violin, swimming, baseball, hockey, piano, parties.
I've run through the streets drenched with sweat, holding the back of a child's bicycle.
I've jumped with sheer joy when I let go and saw that bike continue on its own!
I've had children's songs race through my mind for hours at a time
I've romantically danced with my spouse to Barney tunes
I've built castles, pizza, tunnels and mud pies at the beach
I've pushed a swing a million times
I've cupped the small, warm fingers of my child in my hand
I've crept into my children's rooms to watch them sleep.
I've found my shoes fifty feet from where I left them, filled with little men, pennies and tissues
I've made my children cry and have cried for them
I've dressed moving targets
I've checked for monsters under beds and in closets
I've spent nights with bottles, medicines, sheet changes after accidents, diapers and hugging scared children after nightmares.
I've changed over three thousand diapers
I've gotten goose bumps while watching the smiling faces of my children
I've stayed in the most luxurious hotels alone, anxious to get back home
I've prayed....a lot.
Now, don't get me wrong. There have been moments I've dreamt of luxuriating baths and exquisite sleep with a quiet, long breakfast while reading a whole dry newspaper.
I've remembered having money in my pocket
I've longed to be bored
I've wished that kid would stop poking me in my sleep.
But I am a parent, see, and I know what's important now.
(As printed in "Viewpoints on Parenting" Vol. 3, Issue No. 1)
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This prayer was published at our church (Prince of Peace Catholic Church, San Antonio) as a blessing for the new school year.
PRAYER FOR OUR CHILDREN
Lord, giver of light, life and hope,
you have entrusted your children to our care.
We cherish their love and their energy for life.
Help us to help them be people of strength, character and integrity.
Share with us the wisdom that will shape their minds.
Share with us the love that will guide their hearts.
Share with us the courage that will shape their future.
Be the light that guides them and us to your glory and goodness.
Amen
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I wanted to share this story about a special friendship, and how God has blessed this friendship through a very special gift.
My dear friend Judy in Michigan hand made a quilt for Catherine as a baby gift. I know a lot of new parents receive blankets and quilts for baby, but there is a special story behind this one.
Judy and I worked together in 1982-83, when I was a Lieutenant in the U.S. Air Force at K. I. Sawyer AFB near Marquette, MI and she was a civilian secretary in my squadron. When I PCS'd to Germany in 1983, we began a written correspondence that has lasted over 20 years!! When I first wrote her about pursuing our dream to adopt, she signed up for a quilt making class (all in secret, of course!) She began a "reverse" quilt (the 2 sides are different patterns). She certainly had plenty of time to work on it, as we attended the September 1997 Abrazo Parents-in-Waiting Orientation, and Catherine wasn't born until 12 months later, on September 28, 1998!
Now, as the book of Ecclesiastes in the Holy Bible proclaims, there is a time and a purpose to everything under heaven, including "a time to be born" (Ecclesiastes 3:2). What makes this story so very, very special to me is that
CATHERINE WAS BORN ON JUDY'S BIRTHDAY!
Yes, there was most definitely a reason behind our year long wait. It's almost as if the Lord looked down and saw my friend's heart and said...this will be a most precious gift, not only for the baby but for the quilt maker herself!!
And Judy, being her most humble self, did not even share this with me until a couple years later...when she sent Catherine a birthday card and remarked that she will always remember Catherine's birthday because it is the same day as her own.
So now this day is twice blessed. I have the blessing of remembering the birthday of a forever friend as I also celebrate my daughter's birthday...all linked together through the gift of a quilt of blessings.
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Jean,
Your response is just beautiful and very eloquently said! Yes, we found hope through Abrazo too, after other agencies disqualified me because I was over 40.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
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Just a quick clarification please...it seems whenever I share the fact of Catherine's adoption with others, there is always someone who knows someone who has a friend (you get the picture!) who either has adopted or is thinking about adopting. Sometimes those friends are single professional women.
How is the infertility question applied to singles? Do singles have to have a doctor's assessment as well? I know there have been celebrity singles who adopted as singles...then later married and had bio children (Michelle Pfieffer is one of those folks.)
I'm sure this question has come up before. What is the criteria for single, divorced or widowed persons vs married couples?
Thanks!
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"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed"
Proverbs 16:3
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart"
Psalm 37:4
Suggested reading
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Hi Elaine,
You might want to check out these topic threads on the Abrazo Forum which also list recommended adoption related reading:
Adoptive Parents --> Parents in Waiting --> Reading Material
Adoptive Parents --> Rainbow Families --> Good Reads for Want to Know Families
Adoptive Parents --> Life After Adoption --> Readings for Aparents
Adoptees --> In the Know --> Books About Being Adopted
Good luck!