marthaj
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Posts posted by marthaj
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Birthday greetings all around,
today is a day when blessings abound!!
Happy birthday to my dear friend and quilt-maker Judy!
Happy birthday to Catherine!
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Sabrina,
It sounds like you are just having a bad day!! I for one would miss you very, very, very much if you weren't here on the Forum!! I value your opinion and ideas highly. Plus, I would miss you as a friend.
Treat yourself to a nice, long, hot bubble bath (it works for me!) You deserve a little pampering.
Love, Martha
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From an unknown author:
"Angels sometimes block our paths because we are headed in the wrong direction."
Experiencing discouragement due to a delayed or failed adoption plan? Still "in waiting," and haven't talked with a prospective birthmother in quite some time??
Perhaps you went on a job interview for the "perfect job," just to find out that you weren't selected for the position. Or you've applied to the "perfect college," only to find out you didn't meet their criteria for admissions. Or you went out on a date with the "perfect guy," but he didn't call back as promised??
Maybe there is an unseen angel at work in your life right now!
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I just read a Consumer Alert to advise everyone to use caution when making monetary donations for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Please make your donation directly to a reputable national agency, such as the American Red Cross, Salvation Army, your local church's relief fund, etc.
Please use caution when responding to telephone solicitations. Most of those telephone solicitators take a "cut"....in other words, a portion of any donation you pledge thru a telephone solicitation goes to pay the salary of those making the calls!!!!
Pass up those folks standing on the corner or intersections with buckets marked for "Hurricane Katrina." You just don't know if they're legitimate. About a year or so ago, the ABC show 20/20 showed some people collecting "For the Homeless," and after the buckets were full, they pocketed the money and moved on to another location. Sad to say, but the same thing could happen now.
It is a shame to say, but there will be people trying to "make a buck" from this tragedy. Just be aware.
Give from the heart, but give wisely. That's all I wanted to say!
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Beautifully expressed, Jean!!
Another aspect that the article brought up was the financial aspect. The single mom they profiled was a free lance journalist, and after bringing her Vietnamese son home from the orphanage, she found that she was not able to keep up with her work demands (i.e. meet deadlines for articles, etc) and her paycheck suffered. Fortunately she had saved money in advance, which got her through this adjustment period.
Of course, financial concerns pertain whether you are a parent by birth or by adoption! It is just one more area that you have to examine before you take the next step!!
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The front page of the S.A. Life section of our San Antonio Express News had an article this week entitled "Moms After 40: More single women are opting for adoption."
The article states that there is "a growing number of single women in their 40's and 50's who are taking alternative paths to motherhood. In the last several decades, the number of older, single women adopting children has been increasing slowly and steadily in both domestic and international adoptions."
The article continues "Adoption agencies, advocates say, are quick to see the advantages of single mothers who have more life experience and are increasingly more financially independent."
As one 46 year old adoptive mother, whose son was adopted from a Vietnamese orphanage, put it, "I'd already gone to every party I needed to go to. I'd already had some nice relationships and some really bad ones. The only thing I hadn't had was a child."
Single women who are contemplating adoption are advised to consider their network of support, because older parents often do not have relatives to help out. Single parents must think about the time they can dedicate to a child and whether they have a support system in place.
However, all the women interviewed for the article said in the end, once they had their child home, it was all absolutely worth it!
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Sabrina,
Your strength and courage never fail to amaze me!! You are so awesome!! After all you've been through, your positive attitude and ability to turn "tragedy into triumph" are a constant source of inspiration for me!!
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Sherrie,
Congratulations!
The tears over failed plans and the frustration of long waits just dissolve once that precious baby is in your arms! (Just ask me how I know!
) Now the happy times and precious memories can begin!!Blessings to you,
Martha
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Go ahead and send in all your application paperwork anyway, and get started on scheduling your physical exams, contacting a social worker for the home study, etc. You will be that much farther along when you do attend orientation.
Good luck!
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Claudia,
Putting together the profile was for me, the hardest part. This was back in 1997 before the scrapbooking craze started and before digital cameras and being able to create photo pages digitally. I had to cut and paste on poster board!
Another Abrazo couple we know went to a local scrapbooking supply store for help. Try to find a store that holds "scrapbooking nights" where folks bring in their pictures and trade ideas, etc. If you buy your supplies there (page borders, etc) they will help you select the best photos, crop them for best effect, and put the pictures together in an attractive manner. It's worth a try!!
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This is my first post! I wanted to indroduce myself. My husband and I are so excited to hear there are several military couples working with Abrazo. My husband is Air Force and we are currently stationed at Spangdahlem Germany.
Hi,
We also "wore the blue." My husband and I were both Air Force officers when we got married, but separated from the active duty AF in 1992. He stayed in the Reserves and is now a Lt Colonel. I was stationed at Rhein-Main AB Germany in the mid-80's. Loved it!
While you're over there, try to pick up one of those German strollers/baby carriages to bring back to use when your baby comes. Everybody who had kids over there thought the German ones were a lot more sturdy, and since Germans like to walk a lot, the stroller wheels were meant to go over the cobblestone streets.
Welcome to the Abrazo forum family!
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My parents and sister are VERy supportive of all we have been through. But Doug's family is a whole other matter. We have heard many times that our children are not real family so Doug's sister's children will get everything worth family value.
Any advise on how to deal with Doug's family??
Dear Jennifer,
Your post made me feel so sad!! I had no idea....
Sadly, your experience is not that uncommon. In the book Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption, the author Jorie Kincaid writes:
"We have to face the fact that some families, despite our desires, will never treat adopted family members in the same way they treat the rest of the family. I know of a family who had one adopted granddaughter and two biological granddaughters. As the children grew up and married, the aging adoptive grandparents revised their will. They left their adopted granddaughter one dollar and divided a large portion of their estate equally between their bio granddaughters. Imagine the alienation this granddaughter will feel when she learns of her grandparents' decision.
Another family suggested that an adopted grandchild should not inherit an engraved memento from his namesake grandparent, believing that it should be given to a more distant blood relative instead. Still another family excluded the adopted members from researched information about the family tree, mistakenly thinking that the adopted family members would not be interested. In this case the adopted children spoke up, declaring that family is family and that they were very much interested in their adoptive family roots!
While some families make a distinction between their family members and their adoptive family members, most will treat them and love them equally. Though it is wise to seek extended family's blessing for an adoption, and we certainly hope for their approval, it is not necessary to seek their permission."
Jennifer, I think you are wise to stay on the "high road" and not sink down to their level. It would not be good for Delaney to be caught in the middle of a "family feud" (and believe me children, even at a very young age, just know when relationships are strained...they can just sense it!!). And let your own family and Delaney's birthfamily know just how much you appreciate their love and support (I'm sure you already do!!)
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My sister-in-law is making plans for our neice's baptism next month and the question was brought up about when we will be able to baptize our next child. I was stumped. I didn't know the answer to that question. Are you able to bapitize after placement or do you have to wait until you finalize? I know this may sound a little silly but I just wasn't sure. Anybody have any ideas??? The things we think about while we are parents-in-waiting!!! If there is anyone else out there that may have a question they think is silly please share. I am sure that there is at least one couple in the parents-in-waiting group that has had the same question but hasn't asked it yet!
Angie
Angie,
We had a similar dilemma. We are Roman Catholic, and in our archdiocese the rule is that a copy of the child's State Birth Certificate must be provided before baptism can be performed, which would mean in that case that you'd have to wait until after finalization. We did have Catherine baptized at 3 months old, however, because that is the only time our out of town family members could be present. Our priest agreed to go ahead with the baptism ceremony, but would not issue the certificate of baptism until after we turned in a copy of the state birth certificate (which we received after finalization.)
His concern was whether or not our adoption would be contested. In the past they had a situation where they proceeded with a baptism, only to have the adoption contested or for some reason never finalized.
I recommend you speak to your pastor to find out what the requirements are for your church/denomination.
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We had 3 failed matches during our year (yes, one year!) of working with Abrazo. I still feel the financial risk of a failed adoption plan is much less than the financial losses incurred by some couples who indure multiple failed in-vitro fertilizations. I have read stories of couples who spent upwards of $50,000 or more on failed in-vitros. Some insurance plans cover only the first or second try.
Our Catherine was a BOG (baby on the ground) whose b/mother never received any prenatal care or applied for Medicaid. But Abrazo really came through for us when it counted...they negotiated the hospital down by several thousand dollars! (Anyone want to question billing practices? Look at your hospital bill...After my hysterectomy I examined my bill, and I mean $25 for the pillow I slept on, and the hospital kept and billed the next patient for???? Even with insurance, I still had to pay $$$ out of my own pocket!! Was it fair???) And as more and more insurance plans raise their deductibles, more people have to meet more and more costs out of pocket.
Most adoption agencies will require fees up front...some quite a large fee up front, with absolutely no guarantees. One agency I visited simply handed me a packet of forms, then said "Return the completed package with your $8,000 check attached." That was in 1996, so the cost is probably much higher now!
When entering into any business transaction, you must be well informed. Yes, Abrazo is a business and they have a payroll to meet, leasing and utility costs, advertising expenses, etc, just like any other business. I'm sure if Abrazo could perform all their services for free, they would....but they wouldn't be in business for very long!! Keep in mind that Abrazo is also registered as a non-profit agency with the state and federal gov't, and you can be sure their books have been audited in order to keep their licensing.
No, their are absolutely no guarantees....in adoption or in life!!!
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In the book "Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption" by Jorie Kincaid, there is an entire chapter devoted to this topic! The third chapter of the book is titled "Is Adoption Second Best?"
Ms Kincaid writes "Do you struggle with the idea of adoption as a way to create a family? You may want to adopt, but fears lurk in your mind and you wonder if you will be doing the right thing. You may fear the timing, the unknowns, the choice of a child. In all of these situations, only you can decide if adoption is right for you. "
The author then discusses some of the issues that one would want to consider before embarking on the adoption path. (I'll just highlight the main points here.....this chapter is 17 pages long!)
Making Peace with the Past
"First of all, everyone considering adoption needs to make peace with his or her past. If there are unresolved issues in your life or in the life of your spouse, it is important to resolve them before entering into the new relationships created by adoption. Once a new child or children enter into your home, personal issues are compounded because there are more people who are affected by them. A child will also bring into your family relationship personal issues that will demand your attention. He or she deserves to have parents who are anchored and ready to devote time to the child's needs instead of their own. It is essential to ask ourselves the questions "What has brought me to this place of considering adoption?" and "What is my motivation?"
Motivations Can Differ
"A decision to adopt cannot be based on a desire to be humanitarian or to fulfill a void in our own lives or even to please a husband or wife -- it must be based on a desire to love a child without any expectation from him or her in return. This is an important distinction. In order to have a successful parenting experience, a couple needs to be united in their decision to adopt, and that decision must be based on a desire to love a child. This unity of decision and the desire to give love to a child is the glue that binds a couple together in their adoption journey."
Making Peace with Your Past
"For many who choose to adopt, the motivation is infertility. And adoption is a wonderful way to create a family for people in this situation. But if you feel that adoption is a disappointing second-best alternative to biological parenting, it is important to resolve these feelings before an adopted child joins your family.
You may be grieving over the inability to bear children, still carrying the pain and anger of that disappointment, when an adopted child comes into your home. Maybe you are a single woman who has had a great desire to be married and have a family, yet as the years have unfolded that dream simply has never materialized. Adoption can be a happy way for many single women to experience the joys of parenthood. But...it is important for a single woman to make peace with her singleness before pursing adoptive motherhood.
Children feel their parents' emotion. For a successful parenting relationship, parents need to make peace with their past."
Cultivate an Eternal Perspective
"What is an eternal prespective? I see only a very small portion of my life. In contrast, God sees our circumstances with the big picture in mind. Cultivating an eternal perspective is the exercise of trying to look at the events in our lives in the way that God may look at them, realizing that he will use everything, both good and bad, together for good.
Our vision is very limited compared to what God sees. Sometimes the very circumstance that seems so very devastating, like a failed in vitro attempt or an adoption that falls through, can eventually be viewed as a blessing as we see it in a larger context. Just as we see only our immediate circumstances, sometimes we see only immediate disappointment."
The author then gives an illustration of what an "eternal perspective" has meant in her life:
"On a Sunday afternoon many years ago, an unmarried young woman faced life-threatening emergency surgery for ovarian tumors. She survived the surgery but was left with the uncomfortable effects of menopause in her very early 20's and the devastating knowledge that she would never bear children. Her immediate circumstances had to leave her discouraged, wondering if she would every become a wife or experience the joy of motherhood. No one could say these circumstances were good ones!
But many years later, looking at her situation through the perspective of eternity, the very circumstance which was the hardest for her to face, her infertility, has become a blessing in her life. That woman is my mother, and though unrelated biologically because I am adopted , we are as close friends as any mother and daughter can be. We are very grateful to God for bringing us into each other's lives. I attribute the passion I feel for orphan children and the adoption work I do around the world today to my mother. (Ms Kincaid is the founder and director of Orphans Overseas in Portland, Oregon.) If she had not experienced the pain of infertility in her young life, we would not have experienced the joy of which I am one of the recipients.
Adoption is an outpouring of God's grace on all of the persons involved. Birthparents are recipients of a loving home for the child for whom they are not able to care. Adopted children are recipients of parents to love them and tell them they are special. Adoptive parents are recipients of a child to love and nurture. Adoption is clearly God's design.
God can take our disappointments and fears and turn them into good if we give him that chance. Adoption as second-best? Not in God's eyes. "
All quotes taken from Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption by Jorie Kincaid, 1997, Inter-Varsity Press
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Melissa,
What a great idea!! I'll send my wish for sunny skies and lots of shoppers to make your yard sale a great success!!
Hugs to Grace Ann!
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Yes, Christina, "The Believers" was my orientation group, but after the first couple of years of sending Christmas cards, I just lost touch with the others! Unless these "againers" come here to the Forum to share their story, I'll just have to wait until the Abrazo Reunion to find out!!
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Great News!!!
Chris had a meeting with his regional manager today. Out of the blue he asked Chris how old Grace Ann was and then he went to say it was time for her to become a big sister. Well Chris of course told him about what we were told about him taking time off. His manager assured Chris that he would have his job back when he came back regardless how long it takes. He even went to say that if need-be he would fill in for Chris personally!!! He told Chris not to worry one minute about losing his job. That is a big answered prayer!!!
Melissa,
Wouldn't it be wonderful if this same regional manager would meet with the company's Human Resources folks, and put a policy in writing, so that employees contemplating extended time off in the future would not have to worry about job loss? Even though they may not be compelled by law to offer FMLA, it's certainly the right thing to do!! (What about someone who needs time off to care for a sick family member? etc).
So, Melissa, does this mean you'll be back in San Antonio this year as "againers" for orientation?
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I once tried to explain to someone what "open" adoption meant. By pure definition, "open" simply means that all identifying information (names, addresses, etc), birthmother/father's medical history and other pertinent records are available to both the birthparents and adoptive parents. It's really what you do with that information that moves it beyond just a mere "open adoption" to an open, ongoing relationship.
We have an open adoption, yes....but our birthmother chose not to continue in an open, ongoing relationship. But our hearts are certainly open to nurturing a relationship should our birthmother ever desire one.
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It sounds like those birthparents were "shopping" for an agency who would be the "highest bidder"! Thanks, Elizabeth, for making sure that Abrazo follows the letter, as well as the intent and spirit, of the law.
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Well, I didn't see Jennifer's post until this morning. I DID tune in to Dr Phil, but it was about 15 minutes into the show. I tuned in just in time to see the couple, named Jack and Jill, who eventually adopted a baby boy who they named Jack.
I didn't realize at first it was an "update" show...when I tuned in, Dr Phil had 2 pregnant teens on, both named Amanda, who were considering Jack and Jill to adopt their babies. They were eventually chosen by the blonde teen, Amanda. (I make that distinction because the a/mom Jill was also blonde. I remember Abrazo telling us that sometimes the b/moms will look at the profiles for adoptive parents who share the same physical characteristics....like hair color, height etc. Not always, of course, but sometimes.)
Then the show features Jack and Jill at the hospital with Amanda, and the cameras were there recording it all. Amanda asked Jill something like "Do you want to hold him? You're his mom." Jill had even made a comment earlier about open adoption being the "way to go" or something to that effect.
Then the show came back to the present and Dr Phil invites Jack and Jill and baby Jack out on stage. (Of course the audience all "oohs" and "aahs.") He holds the baby, and even invites his wife Robin up on stage to hold the baby. Dr Phil then presents the couple with a gift...their first family portrait to be taken by the same professional photographer who has done all Dr Phil's book covers and family photos.
But, in the back of my mind, I was asking "Where is Amanda? Where is the birthmother?" What a wonderful testimony it would have been to open adoption if the birthmother would have been in the audience or invited up on stage too. (Of course, perhaps she was invited back but chose not to come, but the moment didn't come off like that.) Once the couple were on stage with baby Jack, it's like the birthmom just didn't exist anymore. How about a family photo including Amanda?
I just don't think Dr Phil truly believes in open adoption...if he did, his shows would come off differently, and there would be more emphasis on the birthparents' role.
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There is so much more information out there about adoption now then when we first started exploring our options in the mid-1990's, especially with the growing number of adoption agencies and resources available via the world-wide web.
So, for those of you interested in Abrazo's program, I'm bringing this topic back to the forefront so you can review the agency's guidelines and determine if Abrazo is right for you!
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Lauren,
Welcome to the Forum! I think most of your questions will be answered if you just click on "Abrazo Adoption Associates home page" up at the top left hand corner. Once there, click on "Adoptive Parents" and all the criteria to adopt under the full service program is given.
You can submit your inital inquiry on-line, and if accepted you will be scheduled to attend an orientation weekend. You will receive all the paperwork necessary, including information about the homestudy requirements. If you kept a copy of your original homestudy, you might also bring that for Abrazo's review. They will let you know exactly what you need to do!!!
Good luck!!
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Please leave this topic up for Elaine.
Elaine, I hope this information will be helpful.
Good luck!
Is Adoption the Wrong Choice?
in Considering Adoption?
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Carmen,
I became a first time mom at age 44 through the miracle and blessings of adoption! So no, I do not think 40 is "too old"!! I hope that this miracle of new life will only serve to draw your family closer together.