MotherGoose
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Posts posted by MotherGoose
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What a nice story! Congratulations!!
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We don't have any adoptions in the family right now but several babies and I'm plumb out of ideas for the holidays. Anybody have tips on creative presents for infants???
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This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend. The last line says it all.
Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
So, dance, old friend! Yours, Ethel
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CONGRATS!!! It's fun for us "oldtimers" to see you new people through from start to finish. (It definitely brings back memories.) Can't wait to see pictures!! Enjoy every minute.
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How do you balance things? I wonder if there are instances when the Birthparents might feel jealous of their family's contact with the adoptive family. Especially, if your family didn't agree with the adoption until long after it was done? How should adoptive families handle that?
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Question: does it bother birth-grandparents if the baby's adoptive parents are closer to the birth-grandparents' age than the birthparent's age??
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I wanted to add a piece of advice. For parents to-be, start a journal or diary when you get home from orientation!! Even though it seems like a days between Birthparent calls are years, the time does go quicker than you think. One day you'll be home with your baby and wish you remembered more of the details along the way! There's lots of special things you and the Birthparents of your baby chat about during pregnancy that will be too soon forgotten. There's those dear moments when you get the signs that this is the right thing. Also, copy the monthlies you send the agency once your home with your baby, too! Put the reports in your baby book, you'll be glad you did. And don't forget to take your camera along, everywhere. When you go to orientation, when you meet your Birthparents for the 1st time, outside the Hospital where the baby is born, when you go to the agency for Placement Day, when you go to the final court hearing. Save everything! Even little things like parking receipts or the front page of the newspaper on the day the baby is born or their first outfit, that little stuff means so much more as the years go by. (IMHO. ) Good luck!
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HOW WILL OUR CHILDREN KNOW WHO THEY ARE IF THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM?
--John Steinbeck
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Helpful Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent
Few things are more completely enjoyable than becoming a grandparent. Grandchildren are one of life’s joys, whether they come by birth or via adoption. All grandchildren are loved equally and are equally lovable.
When a new family member is adopted, share your excitement. Share snapshots. Exclaim about the traits that make this child a prodigy! And know that adoption brings some unique challenges. Following are a few suggestions for navigating once you find you are a member of an adoptive family.
People are fascinated by adoption, and this fascination can lead well-meaning friends and neighbors to pose very personal questions. Remember that a child’s adoption story is akin to a conception story. It is private, and one should consult with the adopted person before sharing the details.
Think about language, and encourage others to do so. As an adult adoptee, I have heard this question all my life: "Have you ever met your real parents?" What this said to me as a child was, "Your adoptive parents are fake." I felt confused. As an adult, I answer, "I was raised by my real parents." It’s a good idea to call the family of origin birth family (as in birth mother) as opposed to natural family (which implies the adoptive family is unnatural or artificial). Many people will have the best of intentions but use terms that confuse or hurt children.
If your family adopted internationally, you have become a member of a transcultural and often transracial complex family. Translated into day-to-day events, this means you might celebrate Chinese New Year in addition to the traditional holidays. Unfortunately, this also means that your grandchild will be confronted by bigotry and will need your support and sensitivity. Your lifetime of experiences will be key in shaping your responses. Be wholly honest.
Remember, throughout, that your grandchildren are connected to you and to the family. They may not look a lot like you or your child, but they will develop similar voice patterns, talents, tastes, and interests. Don’t assume the adopted child will automatically know this—it took me 45 years to figure out that I got, first, my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father, and, second, my ability to ‘stretch and save’ from my grandmother, a North Carolina farmer. Every Carolina reunion I attend reminds me that genetics are not the only way to pass on family traits.
At a recent reunion, I was introduced to my mother’s best childhood friend. They hadn’t seen each other in over 60 years. The friend inspected me closely and stated, "You sure don’t look like a Haney." I smiled back, shook my head, and said, "I sure don’t." I knew what she really wanted to know. But at that moment, I was completely my mother’s daughter.
By Beth O’Malley, M.Ed. Copyright ©2001, Beth O’Malley. Ms. O’Malley is an adoptee and adoption social worker, and the author of Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child. Order via 1.800.469.9666 or lifebooks@earthlink.net (see www.adoptionlifebooks.com).
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I wonder, what is it you're wondering about this? [You must have lots on your mind because that's a very good question you brought up.] Maybe 1 bad reason is, if it's just to get back at someone else. [We'd feel awful if our boys first moms could have kept them but went with adoption just to hurt their boyfriends or parents.] Also, if it was just all about getting $$ in exchange for giving up a baby like in shady blackmarket adoption deals, that would seem wrong. Good luck to you!
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Lisa, your mom must be a very special lady. And she is rightfullly proud of her daughter ! Reading her story made me think of how hard it must be for mothers when their daughters go thru this. Who do they turn to, to talk abou5t it? Even if they knew about the pregnancy from day one it still must raise up all sorts of questions. And worries about how others will view their duaghters. (And even themselves as mothers.) I could see how maybe some parents don't want to know even when they need to. Because as parents we always want to make things better. And how could anyone do that in this kind of situation>? I'm wondering if some of the Birthmothers here have any ideas on whether it was better to tell their moms or their dads or other relatives, + why or why not?
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Somebody who's thinking of adopting thru Abrazo called us last week. They wanted to know if we had any advise? After thinking about it this is what we thought of. Maybe others can to the list?
-1- Get the application in fast, that way you have a better choice of week-ends for Orientation. And keep a copy for yourself. . (Also, maybe then if the agency has a baby with no paerents you might get considered ahead of time??)
-2- Take lots of "fun" pictures of you and your spouse as a couple and get them developed before Orientation. (we had few to none and wished we had done this before hand.)
-3- Call home study workers in your area right away, ask if they work with Texas rules, how long it takes and get price quotes so it can get started as soon as you're accepted .
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We're wondering too. Christophersmom, Is every one ok now? [still think you were in the right to offer the info.] Hope the neice + her child are alright. Maybe she wishes she had listened to you by now. Raising a child is so much harder than it looks. Especially when you are young. Knowing ALL the choices is important. [it's not just about abortion or keeping a baby before you really are ready for it!!!]
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We find that once we did our first open adoption we could not imagine doing another one any other way. For all the ups and downs, we walked away from the experience knowing it was the right thing to do. Now we tell every one about it. But it is a surprize to learn how many people, even in our extended family, still don't understand. We think they secretly worry that we should be "more careful" and with all the child abductions involving strangers lately, why don't they realize we have even less to worry about, since our children's birth parents are friends we care about, who care about us as much as any other relatives !! How nervous we would be if we had not gotten to know them so well from the start. Are there really places out there still doing closed adoptions anymore? & WHY?
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We know some friends who want to adopt. They are worried that some personal information may hurt their chances. We never had this problem so don't know what to tell them/. What do other people do about this? (We are posting this for them since they are using another agency in another state.)
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I know in our adoption support group, the question was how honest to be when filling out applications and doing the home study interviews. Lots of folks worried about getting knocked for telling the truth about income vs. expenses or drug experimentation in college or church attendance or prior marital problems, that kind of thing. We kept in touch with our local support group and with the people from our orientation over the internet and from our experience, the only thing that got fokls in hot water was when they didn't ask those questions upfront and tried to hide it. Better to know from the start I think.
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How do you know when it's time to move on?
Baby Step: Start-Up Advice for Newbies
in Looking to Adopt
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Gosh! It's been a long time since we were Forum regulars.
(Life seems to speed up as the kids get bigger.)
But I was online today and just wanted to stop by and wish everyone good luck!
Abrazo was a big part of our family's beginning and it's good to see their still going strong.