ElizabethAnn
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Posts posted by ElizabethAnn
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Given that an original homestudy is valid in Texas for only six months from the date of the interviews... I would suggest that you hold off on doing any addendum(s) necessary to bring it into compliance with Texas standards until after attending orientation.
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I happened across a site this evening that I thought might be of interest to other Christian parents out there. It's called http://www.bibleparent.com and it features Scripture cards that parents can print out for their children, to put in their school bags for inspiration, or to give them for memorization... check it out!
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Very sad... the 18-year-old son of Marie Osmond leapt to his death from a Los Angeles apartment building on Friday. (Read it here.) Osmond had told Larry King in 2007 that Michael was in rehab "dealing with adoption issues" and other problems.
Osmond and then-husband Brian Blosil had adopted Michael in 1991; in 1992, they filed an $18 million dollar lawsuit against the Globe for its story, "Secret Baby", which alleged that Michael was actually the product of an adulterous relationship Blosil purportedly had, and for a subsequent story in which the Globe claimed Marie was using the adoption as a cover-up to keep the biological mother from extorting money.
God, be with all families whose teenage sons struggle with depression, and bring them peace! Amen
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Birthmom and birthgrandmother Joni Mitchell dedicated her latest CD, "Shine", to her birthgrandkids (have a listen HERE and click here to read a review). She also is collaborating with the Alberta Ballet Company on a show the dance troupe is doing that features music Mitchell wrote years ago: Both Sides Now
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I am so sorry to learn of Rod's passing! (The Hosmers hosted Abrazo's NJ reunion just a few years back: http://abrazo.org/forum/index.php?app=gallery&module=images§ion=viewimage&img=3228.)
I keep up with Patty via Facebook from time to time, but had no idea Rod had been in the hospital lately.
Keeping Patty and Rebecca in our prayers during this sad time... God grant them strength to bear this grief, peace in the surety that their loved one is at Home in Heaven, and comfort in memories of happier times spent together.
(Thanks, Abrazo family, for letting us know of this sorrow within our community.)
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Just happened across this poem this morning and thought it said alot about who a birthmother is... demographics aside!
She Who Is a Birth-MotherShe carries within her a precious, precious life...
One that empowers her to give the unparalleled gift of
Motherhood to another woman.
The choice is not easy.
Such monumental decisions seldom are.
The conflict inher heart tugs backa and forth
As she struggles to let go.
Will her child really be better off?
She closes her eyes
And lifts her face toward heaven…
And she says a silent prayer.
Then she cathes the vision of a family.
A mom, a dad, grandparents,
Aunts, uncles, and cousins,
All weeping with joy over this treasured infant…
The newest member of their family…
The miracle they thought they’s never see.
She softly begins to cry.
With a breaking heart and perfect clarity of mind,
A still-small voice
Whispers her thundering decision…
“It will not be easy,
But it is right”
-Suzy Toronto
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Just weeks ago, we were reading of the death of adoptive mom Casey Johnson, whose aunt was cited as having opposed her adoption out of fears she would not be a fit parent. Now, that aunt has also had her own adoption decree overturned by the courts.
An odd legal ruling was just issued, in the continuing saga of the Johnson & Johnson heiress who's been battling her former beau (a Beverly Hills diet doctor) over the adoption of a Cambodian boy prior to their breakup: read the story, here.
Can you imagine the enormous legal fees that were incurred in the course of Lisabet's efforts to secretly adopt this child thus foiling Lionel's efforts to do so, and Lionel's attorney's bill for defending his right to be the adoptive dad despite his prior decision to withdraw from that adoption, only to end up "winning" custody yet deciding to leave the child exactly where he is-- with Lisabet?
But even more daunting: can you imagine the trauma of a little boy living in the midst of such warring factions for all seven years of his young life?
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(Is it terribly unfair of me to say that I am secretly hoping the country of Russia isn't this hard up for adoptive parents, yet?)
Pregnant Tila Tequila Abandons Plans to Adopt Haitian Orphan in favor of Russian Tot
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Interesting-- this came out months ago, but apparently rocker Joel Madden was startled when someone approached him offering to sell him a human child for a particular price?
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Ok, so it's been awhile since anyone revived this topic... but for those of you out there who ARE currently paper-pregnant, tell us what (if anything) has changed in your lives since orientation weekend, what you are doing to keep yourselves busy (and sane!) while you wait, and how someone visiting your home could tell that you're expecting?
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Just wanted to add this link, as it includes a number of good reads that are also on Abrazo's recommended reading list:
PREPARATORY RESOURCES FOR ADOPTING TODDLERS. SIBLING GROUPS AND "OLDER" CHILDREN
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Here's one more perspective: "Mom" vs. "Birthmom".
Speaking for myself, I think "real parent" is an incredibly loaded term, so I understand why it's offensive to those who adopt to be disregarded for the very real parenting they do, even as I flinch at thinly-veiled efforts to discount a birthmother's role in bringing a child into the world (parenting through the gestational stages, as it were) by sanitizing her "title" and relegating her to nothing more than a borrowed womb.
I wonder if the greater challenge is really more about empowering those who adopt to feel fully entitled to love their child/ren without reservation nor apology-- and empowering those who place to do so with full license to maintain a maternal connection to/with their child/ren across the lifespan?
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In a word: Ouch!
First off: a word of warning, because what you're about to read may be painful or offensive.
(And secondly, a word of warning, because if no part of what you're about to read pains or offends you, it's probably a good indicator that Abrazo probably isn't-- or wasn't-- the 'right' agency for you.)
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One very nice couple named Brooks and Elizabeth, who went through a lengthy phase infertility and treatment, ultimately elected to adopt from Russia. They specifically avoided domestic adoption, because they were adamant about wanting (well, needing!) their adoptions to be closed. Brooks later wrote a book about their experience, and from it comes this quote, which provides a startling illustration of what a visceral response some adopters have to the issue of authenticity, when parenthood comes to them by means other than biology:
From The Brotherhood of Joseph, by Brooks Hansen (pg 82):I was on the subway one time, and this must have been when Elizabeth and I were just dipping our toes. A bunch of teenagers got on, college freshmen, clearly all just getting to know one another. One revealed that she was adopted. Actually, her roommate yielded up the information-- "Yeah, she was adopted"
My ears perked up. The young woman in question give it a kind of "big whoop" shrug--yeah, it's true--to which one of the boys replied, first thing out of his mouth, "Oh yeah, so have you tried to contact your real parents?"
I Darn near took him out at his knees. I should have, on behalf of the girl's actual parents, but I doubt anyone in the car would have had the slightest idea what I was doing. He was just trying to get in her pants, after all; show some interest.
Still, that was a first for me, feeling the sting of mere words, but there's no denying: Depending upon the ears that heart it, that phrase "real parents" is right up there with "n****r" and "c**t." Except that no one out there appears to be remotely aware.
Can we all relate to the need of any parent (whether biological or adoptive) to have their role validated? Absolutely, yes. (Well, not Hansen, perhaps; he opines that those who raise adopted children should be referred to as the only "actual parents" those children will ever have.)
But is there more to it than this? Does openness in an adoption make those who adopt any less "real" parents?
Does acknowledging the other parents in a child's life story make either set of parents (biological or adoptive) less authentic?
Apparently, for Brooks Hansen & his wife Elizabeth, the answer to both questions (as contained in the above-cited book) was --and is-- regrettably, "yes":
"Just because we'd been through the IVF wars and lost, that didn't mean that Elizabeth should always have to save an extra seat at the dance recital... (Open adoption, with its) update letters, report cards, scheduled visits, etc. seems like one giant free baby-sitting scam."
Hansen is obviously an intelligent individual; well-educated, articulate, committed to the role of fatherhood. Yet, what is it that causes some people (like the intelligent, sensitized folk reading this post) to 'get' why open adoption is so much more than a "free baby-sitting scam" and others (like Hansen) to never comprehend how and why closed adoption, with all its secrecy and denial, is so potentially injurious to the children we love so?
Who's truly more "real" -- those who raise children in truth, or those whose families are borne of lies?
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Indeed, Erin, we do try to use a "graduated contact schedule" whenever the parties are willing, when we are working with toddlers, sibling groups and older children who are being moved from one home to another, to ensure that there is some formal "transition time" allowing all parties some opportunity to get acquainted before the day that placement paperwork is completed.
Therefore, it's important that adoptive families considering such placements be prepared to spend anywhere from a couple of days to a week, prior to placement, getting acquainted with the birthfamily and spending slowly-increasing blocks of time with the child being placed-- both with the birthfamily and without-- to ensure that the child has some level of awareness and comfort with the plans being made on his/her behalf. A pre-placement visit is also scheduled in every such case to give the child-placing staff an opportunity to observe the prospective parents and children together, and to give the prospective parents every chance to express concerns, ask questions, etc.
Birthparents who are overcome by their own sense of urgency to "get it over with" don't always tolerate this process well; nor do adopting parents who are eager to get home with their new addition. But when it can be done, it's a valuable means of helping everyone to adapt to this huge life change in a more child-sensitive manner.
Texas standards, interestingly enough, do state that any child being placed who is six or older should sign a consent to the placement, as well. (The state officials don't give any guidance as to what should happen if a birthparent determined to relinquish/place has a child determined not to consent, however?!) Agencies are also required to ensure that children who are not pre-verbal have access to preplacement counseling, and that they are assessed by a child psychologist, a pediatrician and a dentist within 30 days prior to placement.
One thing I think is important is that the adoptive families who are taking placement of school-age children find a way to create rituals to aid their children in the adjustment process. Whether it's as formal as participating in an entrustment ceremony wherein the families recite vows to each other and involve the children, or whether it's as casual as going to get a family portrait that includes all the members of both families, I think it's essential for kids to have a concrete sense of the placement being the launch of an official 'new beginning' that has everybody's blessing-- theirs included.
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Sending up prayers of thanks on your behalf, Rebecca! Every day DOES count and we celebrate that truth with you.
As many folks around here know, the issue of hereditary cancer is very near and dear to my heart (and my other parts, too). I received a new study finding from FORCE (Facing Our Risks of Cancer Empowered) this morning that I thought might be relevant to others around here, as well:
New study on infertility and breast/ovarian cancer risksIn a study published in the leading cancer journal, Journal of Clinical Oncology, Dr. Kutluk Oktay, M.D., concluded that mutations in the BRCA1 gene may lead to early diminishment of egg reserve.
This finding may, at least in part, explain why infertility is associated with breast and ovarian cancer risks, similar to women with BRCA mutations. During the study, Dr. Oktay's team performed ovarian stimulation in 126 women with breast cancer for the purpose of fertility preservation by embryo or oocyte cryopreservation. The study concluded that there is an association between low response to ovarian stimulation with fertility drugs and BRCA1 mutations.
Genetic counseling and testing in women with infertility and low response to ovarian stimulation may be worthwhile, especially when there is family history of breast and/or ovarian cancer. Larger studies are warranted to further investigate the link between BRCA mutations and
fertility and improve fertility options for BRCA 1 carriers.
Kutluk Oktay, M.D., F.A.C.O.G. is Director, Division of Reproductive Medicine & Infertility, Director, Laboratory of Molecular Reproduction and Fertility Preservation, Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology at Westchester Medical Center, and Professor of Obstetrics & Gynecology, Medicine and Cell Biology & Anatomy at New York Medical College. Further information can be found on Dr. Oktay's website at http://www.fertilitypreservation.org.
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(I do want to note that I don’t think the fact that she was single or a lesbian has anything to do with her fitness or un-fitness as a parent, but rather that it was her erratic behavior, mental instability, drug use, etc.)
Indeed, there are many twenty-somethings and singles and gays and bad housekeepers and yes, mentally-challenged people who do parent responsibly. However, from an assessment perspective, I would think that most responsible homestudy workers who looked at the combined factors of Ms. Johnson's lifestyle at that juncture in time might have questioned whether she was truly ready to be the most effective parent to whom this child could have been entrusted...?
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I read this article and wondered who on earth did the homestudy and why more questions weren't raised about the adoption plans of a 27-year-old single lesbian with a history of instability and substance abuse problems, whose life was reportedly chaotic and whose mansion was admittedly littered with animal excrement?
(Oh... that's right; her last name was Johnson and money was no object.)
According to some reports, Johnson's adoption was opposed by an aunt who had used her inheritance to establish an orphanage overseas: Why Even Aunt Libet Didn't Approve. But there was, apparently, even a scandal involving Casey and Aunt Libet, that came about even before little Ava's adoption: Note: This is NOT the John Dee we know & love!
To view the bizarre 'engagement video' recently taped by Johnson and her 'fiancee' Tila Tequila: click here.
So-- you gotta wonder, who handled this adoption and how good do they feel about it, now?
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Just wanted to welcome back Rebecca!
And I also want to share prayer requests on behalf of Abrazodad Bob J. of Wisconsin, who was recently diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and is undergoing chemo, and Abrazomom Annette L. of San Antonio, who has been struggling with a recurrence of breast cancer this year.
Keeping all who are fighting valiant cancer battles within Abrazo's greater family in our prayers this holiday season...
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I don't think the need for foster homes EVER slows down, because the number of involuntary removals is always (sadly) on the rise...
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Mari, so glad to see your post this evening! I've been thinking of you and wondering how you and your precious daughter are doing. (Thank you so much for the lovely framed photos you brought by, for our gallery. Come see them "up" sometime!) I know the holidays can be bittersweet when we are unable to have all our family around us; please know I am lifting you in prayer this Christmastide. Big hugs!
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Please know that my response was not meant to discourage our out-of-state clientele, but rather, to lend them insight that may empower them in their pursuit of the "right" match... so they (you!) can anticipate an expectant parent's concerns during that first call, and say--if it's true-- "We know some birthparents are hesitant to match with out-of-state couples because they're afraid they wouldn't have the opportunity to see their child over the years. If being able to see your child as he/she grows is important to you, we'll make a point of traveling back to Texas yearly/coming to Camp Abrazo each summer, so you can have those special visits. Please be assured that we won't let the geographical distance between our state and yours keep us or you from having a truly open adoption, because that's important to us!"
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The one variation I'm noticing is that fewer expectant parents seem willing to consider matching with adoptive couples who live out of state.
I think this is because the hurting economy makes it painfully evident to them that they may not have opportunity to actually see their child after placement, if their child isn't living within the same region, statewise (perhaps because they fear neither they nor the adoptive parents may have the means to travel?)
Over the years, we've noticed that it is also getting harder and harder to get prospective birthparents to consider matching or placing with couples who already have multiple children (whether adopted or biological), but whether this is related to the recession or not remains unclear.
Good question, erin!
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A great reading (by a birthmom and an adoptive mom) about the things that we all HATE to hear adoptive parents say about birthparents and the choices they make: Make a PACT: Don't Say These Things! I know I've shared this link on the Forum elsewhere, but I'm taking the liberty of adding the text, below, in case the link goes bad:
Speaking Of Birth Parentsby Marta Barton and Beth Hall
Five years ago, our lives changed forever. We both became mothers. Our sons, born only one month a part, are both adopted. One of us, Marta, is a birth mother; the other, Beth, is an adoptive mother. Throughout the past five years, we have been able to share our different experiences and concerns without the pressure of being the adoptive parent and the birth parent to the same son. This has given us the freedom to be honest with and supportive of one another without having to worry about boundaries. We share more similarities than differences with regard to our own losses and those we anticipate our sons will experience.
From of our discussions, we have developed this list of things we hate to hear adoptive families say about birth parents.
I could never place a child for adoption, but anyone who does is a real a real saint. (Marta)
As a birth parent, I certainly do not feel like a saint for not parenting my own flesh and blood. After placing a child for adoption, many of us struggle to get back on track. We don't plan an adoption until we are pregnant. It's easy to say "I would never do it." But once you are faced with an unplanned pregnancy, there are few choices and adoption may seem like a very attractive option.
"Our" birth parent... (Beth)
Adopted people must bear the burden of losing one family to gain another, experiencing a loss of control and self-determination. It essential for adoptive parents not to take over their children's story as if it were their own.
Fundamental damage can be inflicted upon children when they are not given the opportunity to learn, to make decisions, or to speak for themselves as they grow older. Don't make it harder by claiming their story as your own.
African American women don't place children for adoption. (Marta)
As an African American birth parent and adoption counselor, I can attest that African American women do place children for adoption. The truth remains, however, that many African American women have limited places to go for adoption assistance or support. The majority of available adoption services do not facilitate women of color because of the intense secrecy they may require. Loss of secrecy is a primary barrier for African American women considering adoption. The fear of being shunned by peers, families, and community ranks high, so many choose to do adoptions cloaked in secrecy. The African American community is not very willing to hear about adoption. Many argue that African American children should stay within the family, even if it means having the child raised or adopted by someone within the family. Often this is not an option, or may not be the best alternative for the child.
Our child never brings up his birth parents, so neither do we ... (Beth)
My son also never brings up questions about how to make friends, how to treat other children, or how to cross the street safely.
Parents need to teach their children and give them the information necessary to understand themselves and their world. Children need not just to be taught to cross the street safely and treat others with respect. They also need to be told about their birth parents. We often hear people say that the introduction of a second set of parents may cause confusion for the child. But studies show that genetic heritage does influence people. The only controversy is how much. As parents, we have to help our children feet connected to their heritage. Just as with crossing the street, it's the right thing to do.
But suppose we reject the notion of a child's fundamental right to know their full heritage - do we believe that they will never hear about adoption and birth parents if we don't bring them up? No; this belief is naive. Rather than leaving them to cope on their own, we need to broach the subject occasionally and give them opportunities to receive our guidance and approval.
When we read books about adoption, or when we talk about our children's birth parents, or when birth parents spend time with our family, my son carefully watches. He never asks. He never requests. But he always notices. And later in the sandbox, I sometimes overhear him describe his own birth parents or how he was born, and if I don't detect pride, I at least know that he has his own story and is discovering how he feels about it.
I'll keep in touch for the birth mother's sake, but I don't want to confuse my child. (Marta)
Confusion usually starts at an adult level. If the parent feels confused about contact with the birth parents, then the children will certainly pick up on those feelings. Adoption is confusing - our children have two sets of parents and two heritages. We cannot protect our children from this confusion, but we can give them the skills to deal with all of the complicated realities of being adopted. Children are very matter-of-fact. They will understand information presented in a simple, straight-forward manner. Maintaining contact with the child's birth family should be for the child's sake.
We focus on our child's birth country, so he will feel connected. (Beth)
It is wonderful to give a child as much information and connection as possible to the country of his or her birth, but some adoptive parents prefer a connection to a country rather than to people because it's less threatening and challenging to their position as the child's parents.
Many adult adopted people describe wondering as children whether they were born (separate from having been adopted), since no one ever spoke of their actual birth. It is important for us as adoptive parents to look at our motivation. If we are only talking about the birth country because we don't want to talk about birth parents, then our children will likely sense this discomfort and be hesitant to express their true feelings. In the long run, they will look to us for approval of their natural feelings of curiosity and sadness. These feelings are not a reflection of our parenting or love for them; they are normal responses to the reality of being adopted from another country. Children who grow up with a positive image of their birth parents are more likely to have positive self-esteem.
We made an agreement. We kept our part; it isn't fair that she want to change her mind. (Marta)
No relationship, not even adoption, can be set in stone. Birth parents experience many changes over the course of the adoption process. They may come to a point where the pain is not so consuming, and they may want to establish a relationship with the adoptive family or child. Most experience feelings of grief, loss, and guilt. The emotional stress of placing a child for adoption is often so overwhelming that the need to sever contact may be necessary for a while. Oftentimes, a birth parent will come back to re-establish contact after a period of time.
It's been five years since I placed my son for adoption and our relationship continues to evolve. At times, the contact is difficult for me; other times I thrive on spending time with him. When I first placed him for adoption, I lived 400 miles away. Now I live just 50 miles away. But now that I am also parenting my 15-month-old son, it is difficult to find time to spend with my adopted son. He calls and asks me when am I going to visit him. Of course I jump at the earliest possible date. I dread the day when he is angry with me for placing him for adoption, the day he tells me he hates me, and the day he doesn't want to see me. These things may never happen, but I need to keep them somewhere deep in my mind, because relationships do evolve and change - for better or for worse.
You only have one "real" mother. After all, she gave you up. (Beth)
Comments like this can only be damaging. Every adopted person has two real sets of parents, both of whom give him or her love and life in different ways. The term "real" tends to convey a critical judgment, as if only the "real" parents matter. In the end, adopted children come to understand that they have come from their birth parents. If a child's adoptive parents cannot talk positively about the birth parents, the child will eventually see the negative comments as a reflection on himself or herself. He or she may even begin to take action to fulfill the societal expectation (and perhaps the adoptive parent's fear) of possessing the negative aspects or qualities of the birth parent(s). just as you want respect and courtesy from the birth parents, you must show respect for and courtesy toward them. This will go along way in demonstrating and modeling what is it to be a "real" parent.
It is foolish to imagine that, because she places a child for adoption, a birth mother has no rights to connection to the child. The connection we all have to our birth parents exists stems from our genetic heritage, not from their actions. The words "gave you up" implies that the birth parent abandoned or discarded the child. This is hardly ever the case, even with birth parents who are ill-prepared to parent and who have their children forcibly removed from their custody.
Your birth mother... (Marta)
... was too poor to keep you. This sounds like a value judgment that is placed on the birth parent. Most often being poor is associated with not having any money. Think about how your child will interpret your response: 'If one day we don't have any money, we won't be able to keep you.' A child may be better able to understand, 'She was struggling financially, and couldn't afford to take care of herself and a new baby."
... was too young to keep you. In some situations, age may be the reason for placement. Maybe a teenager wants to parent her child but she is being financially supported by her parents and they are not willing to support her child as well. Age is often a small piece to a much larger puzzle.
... couldn't keep you. This will most always spark another question, 'Why couldn't she keep me?" I've asked my son's parents to refer my son to me when he asks them, 'Why didn't Marta keep me?' so I can explain my reasons to him. Of course, as his parents, they need to tell him his adoption story, but only I can tell him how I was feeling at the time. I was afraid at the thought of being a Mommy. I wasn't ready. I was afraid to be a single parent. I was afraid of what my family might think if I told them I was pregnant.
... had so much love for you she decided to place you. Adoptive parents love their adopted children, so does this mean you will place your adopted child for adoption? I am always turned off when I hear people say this, particularly when I hear birth parents say, 'I did it out of love." This sounds like an easy answer to a very difficult and complex question. Of course I love my son, but I feel that love shouldn't be associated with the reasons I chose not to parent him. I find it hard to believe that one places a child because of love alone. The decision to place my son for adoption was based on what I felt was best for him and me at that crucial time in my life. I felt that I wasn't capable of providing him with the life he needed - the life I had always envisioned my children having.
... didn't want you. This answer is purely negative and is non-explanatory. If a birth mother does not want to parent her child, there is a reason beyond this. Abandonment issues are automatically present in adopted children. This kind of statement doesn't help to reassure a child of his or her place in an adoptive family; it only hinders.
I don't want to know anything about them. If my child wants to search, that's her choice. (Beth)
When my daughter was born, my husband and I rushed to meet her. When she was just three hours old, I held her for the first time. I bathed her little face with my tears, never wanting to let her go. When the hospital social worker told us that Ana (her birth mother) was having a hard time and that it would be best for us to leave the hospital without letting her see the baby again, I was secretly relieved. I coveted this child; I wanted her for mine. When we got home with our most precious gift, I did not feel like her mother. I felt like a thief. I still blush with shame at my need to serve myself rather than giving Ana back some small measure of the enormous gift that she gave us. I decided to fly back with Sophia to see Ana before she signed the documents that would make Sophia our legal child forever. Looking back, I think it may have been the smartest thing I have ever done. I remember people saying I would lose the baby. "She gave her up. Leave it alone. Why can't you just enjoy being a mother?" But as I watched the two of them spend time together, I saw Ana's joy and grief intertwine. Funny, at the time I thought I was doing it all for Sophia and Ana. In the end, I think I gained the most - for it was on that day that I truly became a mother.
If you are fearful of your child's birth parents or feel they don't really matter, maybe it makes sense to explore your or own sense of legitimacy as a parent. All of us have to face a society that believes "blood is thicker than water." This makes us, as adoptive parents, more susceptible to self doubt and uncertainty. But the truth is our strongest ally. Our love for our children, for all that they are - which includes the legacy that they bring from their birth parents - is the strongest cement for long-term family connection.
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These things go in cycles, of course! but lately, it seems that nearly every birthparent intake we've gotten is requesting only "Hispanic couples, living in Texas."
So that's good news, if you're a Hispanic couple, living in Texas, and hoping to adopt!
Start with the "AP Inquiry" (preapplication) form that you download here.
(And we'll take it from there.)
Celebrity Adoptions
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Oh, Tila... can't you just stick to reality shows, darlin', and leave the kids alone?
Tila Tequila Reneges on Adoption Plan