ElizabethAnn
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Posts posted by ElizabethAnn
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It's a "great" problem in that it means many of Abrazo's existing families have already been found by the birthparents that needed them!
But Ellen, you're right: it's NOT a good problem for expectant parents who come to our agency and can't find the kind of adoptive families they want for their child/ren because our selection of waiting families is so small at present.
Parents who place need to be able to find the family of their dreams just as surely as parents who adopt want to find the child of their dreams.
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It's a nice problem to have, but... today our staff is dashing out to show profiles to two prospective moms, and we currently have only a total of six (6!) families available for full Hispanic babies. That's good news for those six, of course, but not for expectant moms and moms of already-born infants who likely have their own individual subset of placement preferences (ie., who only want a family of a certain ethnicity or religion or geographic base, etc.) that cannot be met by our tiny sample of a half-dozen available homes across America.
Our next orientation weekend is not until late June, and we are in desperate need of especially infertile childless couples who are racially-open (accepting of not just Anglo or Anglo-Hispanic children, but Hispanic and/or African babies, as well)... and racially-open Texas families, with or without previously-adopted children... and interracial (African-American and Anglo or Hispanic) couples or families from any region!
As always, Abrazo againers who are in good standing (those who have remained active on the Forum and/or attend Camp Abrazo, submit annual reports consistently and keep in touch with the agency and/or their child/ren's birthparents regularly) are also welcome to re-apply.
Those with specific questions can call Brianna at our office, but those who are interested in joining Abrazo's program can download the AP Inquiry (http://www.abrazo.org/apinfo.html) and those who are interested in returning can skip the Inquiry and message us to request the application packet. Thanks!
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Audra talked this weekend with an expectant mom who just found Abrazo via our Facebook ad, and who has already been looking over profiles in our Parents-in-Waiting section of the Abrazo Gallery... we're delighted to welcome her (and all prospective birthparents) to Abrazo's Forum! Whether you're seeking to find the "right" family for the future of your baby, or the "right" match for the future of your family, following your heart and listening to your own inner wisdom and allowing Abrazo to help offer guidance about your options, as needed, is sure to help you make whatever choices are right for you!
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Most placing parents, like most adopting parents, come to the adoption process with a preconceived set of expectations about what would be the "right" kind of match.
For adopting parents, their initial expectations are generally defined by their hopes and desires for the "right kind of baby" (brevity of time until due date, child's age at time of placement, race, health, sometimes gender) and is heavily-influenced by their sense of whether a mother's pregnancy care choices will result in a "good" child for them.
For most birthparents, their expectations are usually defined by their thoughts about what makes the "right kind of parents" (marital history, age/vitality/life-expectancy, religion, value system) and is heavily-influenced by their sense of how the adoptive parents make them feel about their plans.
Despite most adopting parents' urgency to take placement, very rarely do we find that prospective birthparents are "in a hurry to match"-- even when the due date is fast-approaching.
Most placing parents carefully peruse profiles, scouring photos before tackling text. Some come to Abrazo to review all our profiles, then take those that interest them most home to read further, then spend more time getting their courage up for an actual phone call. Some wait for the birth to occur before contacting the agency again, feeling preliminary phone calls make it all "too real" or "too intentional."
Abrazo always encourages expectant and already-delivered moms to speak with 3 families, initially. This increases the likelihood that her needs and an adoptive family's expectations will ultimately "match up" in a complementary fashion. Sometimes, a family who looks ideal "on paper" may not come across that way over the phone... or vice versa. One then must factor in the eliminating that occurs when a prospective adoptive family elects not to match with a prospective birthmom, once the case assessment is provided and added detail creates additional "filters".
Rarely, though, is there a definable answer as to what makes one family "click" but not the others. If anything, it's less about what is actually said than what is felt. Most placing parents can tell you how they felt, after their calls with the "right" family, rather than what was said that resonated with them. (And when there is something "wrong" with a particular family, it generally has to do with something that was said that felt wrong to the prospective birthparent/s, not something that was "wrong with" the family in question.)
But with only a few exceptions, their feedback regarding the "other families" wasn't that there was anything said that was wrong or offensive-- just that it didn't "feel right."
However eager waiting adoptive parents may be to get a match made, there really is such a thing as a "match made in Heaven" and those really are worth waiting for, whether one is placing or adopting.
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I agree that it is taxpayer money but the way I see it, it's also taxpayer money that funds medicaid, welfare, and other govt programs that some of these children may have needed if they weren't placed for adoption (maybe just saving some spent $ in the future or coming out even in the long run anyway).
Although technically, given the hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxpayer money that also subsidizes the related prenatal costs of delivering birthmoms on Medicaid and the expense of the birth and postpartum care for the moms (and their babies, should the nursery bills get charged to Medicaid or if the hospital(s) apply for separate policies to cover NICU bills for babies being placed), some might justifiably argue that there is considerable taxpayer-investment in domestic adoption cases, even before you figure in the adoption tax credit/refund.
Frankly, I think the adoption tax credit should be split between the parents who are placing and the parents who are adopting...
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I'm thinking this may help to explain some of the confusion over IRS adoption tax credits and refunds this year...
HUGE SNAFU AS IRS FAILS TO ISSUE CORRECT REFUNDS IN ADOPTION CASES.
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Just wanted to share an important new resource for those interested in HAVING CHILDREN AFTER CANCER.
And don't miss this interview with Gina Shaw, the author of "Having Children After Cancer: How to Make Informed Choices Before and After Treatment and Build the Family of Your Dreams." (She shares some thoughtful insights for those who worry that birthmoms might shun prospective adopters who have conquered cancer.)
Be sure to also check out FERTILE HOPE, which is a LiveStrong Initiative.
See also Becoming a Parent After Cancer Treatment.
For those wondering how testicular cancer may impact their fertility options: Having Kids After Cancer
And for those for whom conception is still a possibility, see Pregnancy After Breast Cancer.
Another reading, addressing adopting after cancer: CANCERPOINTS
If finances are an issue, after cancer treatment, consider this mom's solution: From Cancer to Foster-to-Adopt.
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Beth, Brianna and Michael postponed their honeymoon, so she is back to work this week.
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I feel a need to share a concern regarding the preceding Nursery Note...
The agency seeking a home for this child is a church-related agency, but their email does ask referring agencies to "submit a statement from your agency giving the fee the family is prepared to pay. Exclude the fees paid to your agency already, etc. (Our agency) needs to know the NET fee that will be paid to (our agency)." And their website states that adoptive parents' "personal wealth and income" is a deciding factor in their fee assessments.
This makes us a bit squeamish, because we loathe the idea of anyone entering into a "bidding war" over a baby, along with all the other candidates they may be considering? However, we are sharing their appeal as requested and trust that God will ultimately work out all the details.
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Sad... I can't help but wonder how many other children there may be out there, whose stories are like this one: Dutch Adoption Upheld in Indian Kidnapping Case.
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Ok Elizabeth, now that you have the TIKLV gals attention... hope you will be blowing some baby dust our way. I don't recall Erin and John being at our orientation
(Was there some Texas pouring going on????)Duly noted (and corrected)! Thanks, Jenni! Obviously, I had TIKLVs on the brain, but there was no Texas pour involved, just good old-fashioned almost-fifty senility!
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Well, who knew? Rocker Ted Nugent was the birthfather of a child placed for adoption-- not once, but twice! He recently reunited with a birthson who works at a restaurant in Brooklyn: ROCK ON, DAD!
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I think it's not a simple process, but it CAN be done, and the older the child, the more urgent the need! Please don't give up on the bureaucrats, if this is something you've considered... these kids need homes so desperately!
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Note: this post does NOT concern any of Abrazo's cases... but I ran across a beautiful sibling group in need of a family on the State website today (EMILIA, NOVALENA & KEYSHAWN), and just wanted to share it here, in case anyone we know might be able to provide a loving home to these precious kids, or any others on this site:
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Thank you everyone (and Elizabeth for giving us a special announcement). We are very blessed!
You're welcome! It was my pleasure-- and I mean that for the most obvious sweet little reason!
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Relevant to absolutely nothing:
Breast Milk Ice Cream Coming to London
And here's a Second Serving for anyone who might be interested.
I scream, you scream, we all... (well, okay, maybe not all of us!) LOL
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Interesting program... it appears this is primarily a site for those doing international adoptions, but what a great idea: BOTH HANDS PROGRAM
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Heartfelt congratulations to our Abrazokin, KATE and JIM and MARY HELEN on the arrival of their long-awaited new little family member, CAROLINE! We've always said that what is most important isn't that every baby happens through Abrazo, but that every baby comes to the family they're meant to have by whatever means possible, and we look forward to welcoming our good buddies' new addition (and their newest birthfamily?) at Camp Abrazo this summer. So glad you all finally found each other... hooray! She just couldn't have happened to nicer people!
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Yikes! In Missouri, a grandmother has been arrested for her efforts to hire a hitman to kill the adoptive mother of her birthgrandchildren: read the story, here. (With relatives like this, who needs a crazy mother-in-law?!) The children had been adopted in 2010 and 2009, and the birthgrandma, who lives in a motel, had reportedly been arrested for previously filing false reports against the adoptive mom in question. According to another media report, it was the birthmother of the children, who lives in NC, who alerted authorities to her mother's threats.
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To learn more about how birthmothers feel about this topic, CLICK HERE.
For an adopting mother to essentially "wet nurse" or "cross-nurse" the baby she is in the process of adopting seems to be largely a matter of personal preference, and sometimes has more to do with an adopting parent's concerns about bonding than with infant nutritional needs. (Furthermore, most sources seem to consider the actual antibody/immune system benefits to a child not born to that mother to be rather negligible.)
This is certainly not something that Abrazo would permit our adopting parents to undertake at any point prior to placement, for perhaps-obvious reasons. (For a prospective mother to usurp a birthmother's feeding time with her new baby in the hospital in the interest of "adoptive breastfeeding from the start" is inappropriate, for example.)
Abrazo definitely encourages any families interested in this possibility to be sure they know how the parents of their intended child truly feel about the prospect, before making any such plans. It can be a very sensitive issue for birthfamilies, and that can add unnecessary strains in a process that is already oftentimes very stressful.
I find a lot of wisdom in the insight of Sierra, a mom-by-adoption, from the MOTHERING website:
In my public health days I wrote a grant for a program whose purpose it was to increase the rate of breastfeeding in teen moms. I've taught breastfeeding classes when I was active in a childbirth education network. I've helped women learn to breastfeed back when I worked in the maternity unit of a hospital. I've written lactivist letters to businesses that didn't support breastfeeding mothers. I've written to my legislators about the importance of laws that protect the breastfeeding relationship between mothers and babies.
I get it.
When we decided to foster adopt, I really wondered how I would handle the whole bottlefeeding thing. I was afraid that I would be ashamed to feed my child in public, that I would be uncomfortable doing something that would contribute to normalizing bottlefeeding for young women and future mothers.
But adoption is about what is best for children, and there are children out there who simply will not be breastfed. I believe those children deserve families who are committed to attachment and bonding .
So I swallowed my pride, played the part of the adult, and decided to lose the baggage.
I learned about bottlenursing. It's great. Look it up.
I learned about fish oil and other supplements that can help make up for at least some of the missing components of formula. Formula will never be as great as breastmilk, but that doesn't mean we can't give our children every other advantage possible.
I learned how to be creative in creating attachment and bonding opportunities with my children. And its a good thing I did because they each came with unique needs that called for creativity.
You can think all the things you want about the inferiority of formula and bottlefeeding, but if you are going to reason that this means you shouldn't foster-adopt, then don't even try to claim that what you are thinking of is the best interests of children. In any way, shape, or form. This is not about what is healthiest. Nope. Sorry. (If by "it's healthier" you mean: children who might have more ear infections, or are 8 IQ points lower than they'd otherwise be, or who get the flu a couple times as babies, or whatever, are not for you, then I suggest you take a look at doing something other than adopting a child.)
And one more reason to sort through this kind of baggage before you make your way into the experience of adoption: adoptive breastfeeding is *not* the same as breastfeeding a biological child. There are all kinds of really difficult complications that can arise, including having a grieving baby who can't tolerate body contact with you (I had one of those...so I know). There is a reasonable chance that despite your commitment, there will be other plans for the feeding of your future-child, and if you haven't processed some of your baggage here, you could damage both of you when things don't work the way you intend and your attachments to this notion of the only way to be a good mother to your child start to unravel.
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The Missouri Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Guatemalan mother Bail Romero, whose child was illegally adopted without her consent when she was picked up in an immigation sting: Fate of 4-Yr-Old Adopted Without Mother's Consent Still in Limbo. I'm all for adoption when it's done the right way and for the right reasons, but it seems evident that this mother did not willingly consent to her child's adoption, and I hail the court for making what I feel is likely an unpopular but appropriate judgement in this incident. (Read the comments following the article, as well, for some interesting, albeit unconfirmed, commentary.)
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A beautiful story, out of Louisiana, about the love shared between one American adoptive mom and her African daughter:
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We were just talking, this past weekend, about Oprah and today, she went public with the news that she learned just this past November that her own mother secretly placed a baby for adoption back in the Sixties... Oprah featured her birthsister Patricia on today's show, and if you missed it, you can watch this to learn more.
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Loriahn, I know you found your adoptive parents through a different agency, but at Abrazo, we never even advise our adopting parents to set up "baby lines" or "birthmother lines" (those tollfree numbers that adoptive parents can purchase to take calls from prospective birthparents until they arbitrarily cut it off). At Abrazo, we believe in full-disclosure and we want the expectant parents who match in our program to be able to trust that the identifying information (like last names, addresses, phone numbers, etc.) our adopting families provide isn't temporary or subject to change.
Abrazo encourages all our moms to initially choose three prospective families to speak with, and we do so to ensure that those moms know they have more than one option and don't feel "guilted into" choosing someone with whom they may, in actuality, have little in common. You are absolutely right: no mother (or father) should EVER feel they "have" to pick someone, and expectant parents should avail themselves of the right to explore a variety of possible homes and possible alternatives, before making any final decisions!
We try to teach our adopting families at orientation that there's a "right" match for everyone, and that it's important for everybody to be able to exercise discretion in determining which match is (or is not) right for them, and why. A phone call is not a lifetime commitment; it's only an introductory step in the process of determining whether or not adoption is likely to be the most fitting choice for one's child's future (or not.)
I'd like to think that Abrazo's adoptive families genuinely want each prospective mom with whom they speak to make her own best choices, knowing the baby that's meant for them will find them eventually, and treasuring each such phone call (regardless of the outcome) as a chance to better appreciate the challenges faced by expectant parents considering placement.
Who Is (or Isn't) Cut Out for Adoption?
in Looking to Adopt
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A colleague of mine in the adoption field sent me this today, and it made me flinch. Perhaps it does reflect the "real" feelings of some who adopt, or maybe it's an unfair anthology of the worst of 'em, but it makes me even more thankful for those within the Abrazo community who truly do "walk the walk" and who stick around the Forum and attend Camp and by their influence help others to be more compassionate in their adoption journeys, for the children's sake.
(Warning: this is painful to read and may cause one's blood pressure to sky-rocket... at least I hope it does!)
What (Some) Adoptive Parents Say When They Think Nobody's Watching...