[Looking for the Right Parents for your Baby?]

Here's an interesting question, related to a remark kbutterfly made in a recent post: how important is it (or isn't it) to birthmoms to choose an adoptive couple who resembles themselves or their expected baby, and why or why not?

[Support From One Who Knows]

Can you believe that was four years ago!! Just look at all you've accomplished since then, girl?! We're proud of you! (And so glad you're part of the Forum community, now!)

[Determining God's will]

This is such a deep topic and so worthy of consideration: how do we discern the difference between what God wants for us, and what we want Him to want because we want it for ourselves?

I've heard well-meaning people ask, in ignorance, why adoption is necessary, "because if God wanted infertile people to become parents, wouldn't He give them the ability to reproduce?" I know birthparents who've been confronted with small-minded folk who suggested that "God wouldn't make women pregnant if He didn't want them to raise their children."

But I believe God's plan is much greater than that. (I just wish He'd send a weekly copy of His blueprint.)

In what ways has He pointed out His direction in your life?

[Adoption Risks]

I was just scrolling through and happened across stennison's earlier post about risks and the losses they suffered in the course of their failed adoption plan--and there, to the left, was a darling new avatar, picturing the beautiful baby girl they would never have subsequently found, had it not been for those painful losses and their enduring willingness to endure the risks that come with adopting. (Isn't God the best?! Amazing miracles come out of some of the darkest unknowns.) That may sound naive or overly optimistic (but after almost two decades of working in this field, I'm pretty sure that I'm neither. )

Adoption is scary, and yes, it's filled with uncertainties and risks for every member of the triad (and even for those who do this for a living). There are things that happen, sometimes, for which there are no explanations, there are plenty of tears shed, and we all wish we had more control over the process than we do... but looking at that picture of little Brenli reminds me that while we may be faced with unknowns, He never is, and His placement plans far exceed any we could make on our own. Carry on!

[Spiritual Enrichment]

Here's part two of "Minimum Daily Requirements for Christian Parents" by Charles White:

Bless your child each morning. If you want to see sudden, dramatic improvement in your family and children, try this for just one week. Each morning as they are leaving the house, place one hand on a shoulder or head and repeat one of the following blessings:

Old Testament (Numbers 6:24): "May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and give you peace."

New Testament (Ephesians 3:16) "May God strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith."

Carry a copy of the blessings with you and when the children are angry, quarreling or calling names, make them bless one another. No one, parent nor child, can be angry and say a blessing at the same time. You have to choose. The habit of blessing one another helps us do just that, to choose between selfishness and blessing others.

Take short walks with your child. Get outside to God's world as much as possible. you can identify trees, collect leaves, capture bugs or even squeeze the petals of a flower and paint with the juice. Let creation declare the Glory of God (Romans 1:20). Give your child an alternative to the network television "muck-a-thon" and endless violence.

Adopt a plant. Fill a tire with potting soil and grow a tomato or pepper plant. The great lesson for all spiritual gardeners is "if you want to pick flowers, then you have to plant seeds." It is the key to all relationships.

[Spiritual Enrichment]

From "Minimum Daily Requirement for Christian Parents" by Charles White comes this lengthy but inspiring reading on raising children in the faith. Breaking it down into three easy lessons, here's part one, on teaching children the power of prayer:

Your child's journey from age 4 to age 14 is very short. In today's world, the trip is not a safe one. Christian parents need to put God into each day's activities or their children will pay the consequences. The following ideas can make this easy:

Hang some Christian art in each child's bedroom. Children are often quicker to respond to pictures than to words. The best choice is something with a theme, classics like "Christ My Pilot" and "the Good Shepherd," or something more modern from a Christian bookstore. You may have to ask a clerk, but most have some very inexpensive prints that are not always on display. Just tell them you want something for a child's wall. My own personal favorite is titled "Come Unto Me" and features only Christ's hands.

Teach your child to pray. By the time a child is five, he or she should be able to speak one sentence prayers with a parent. By the age of six, they should be looking for answers to those prayers. By seven, he or she should be able to recite the Lord's prayer and have a good idea of what it means. By eight he or she should be praying with people outside the family--a few of his peers and a senior saint or two from your church. By nine, he or she should have a habit that will connect him or her to a church and to other Christians for life. By fourteen, your child should have a confidence and faith that is unshakeable!

[Preparing the Relatives]

Ok, here's a query for the been-there, done-that crowd... for those of you who had a placement plan that fell through, what advice can you give the relatives of others who experience the same disappointment? What did your family members say or do for you that was particularly empathic or helpful in that time of loss? How can relatives of other "expectant parents" know how best to help, when to ask questions or when to sit back and just be quietly supportive? And when the next match is made, how can relatives check on how things are going without seeming nosy or invasive or superstitious?

[Profiles: Presenting... YOU!]

Three (plus) words of advice for profile-makers:

(1) Theme!!! Most profiles read about the same, and generally folks come with a similar assortment of family/vacation/house photos. So one of the industry secrets on making a profile stand out and be more memorable to potential birthparents is to choose a theme that represents who you are or what you're about, and to promote it consistently throughout your profile, in the design and the text and the photos.*

(2) Photos. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then it stands to reason that you want every one of yours to speak volumes about you and the kind of people you are. Look fun. Happy. Active. Crop photos to preserve space. Keep pictures of relatives, other kids or pets to a minimum. Don't forget an outside house shot! You only have 4-6 pages, total, so make every one count!

(3) Creativity. The best profiles are those that come from the heart; the letters read as though they were written by friends talking to friends. There's humor, compassion, honesty. Use color to advantage. Write a "dear birthparent" letter that doesn't start out "dear birthparent." Be unique! Make your profile a menu, a travelogue, a blueprint, a mini-magazine. Have fun making it and chances are, someone out there will have enjoy reviewing it, too!

Finally, remember to make a duplicate original for your babybook, because the original you submit to Abrazo becomes the property of the agency, and you're going to want to show your future son and/or daughter what their birthparents saw in you right from the start!

*Want to test your profile's memorability? Imagine that you took out all the pictures and the letter and left a birthparent looking simply at the layout and design, then asked her to fill in the blank: "This profile belongs to the ______ people." Does your profile's design theme give you any identity, standing on its own? If that birthparent later saw the the text alone, without the photos or design, what would tip the birthparent off, that this profile also belonged to those same "_____ people?" Do the photos tie in, as well? Themes matter, when birthparents are reviewing dozens of profiles from several different agencies and trying to figure out who stands out as the best choice for their baby's new family!

[IVF: To do, or not to do?]

A number of couples in our orientation groups speak of their past struggles with the IVF decision; whether to do it, or not to do it? How to justify the costs? How to balance the ethical implications?

Everybody has to make their own best decisions, of course. (Just as in adoption.) Obviously there's no one-size-fits-all answer for anybody. But it seems to make for an interesting discussion.

What was your experience in this area? What are your thoughts?

[Spiritual Enrichment]

From the book "The Great House of God" by Max Lucado. (Word Publishing, 1997)

God's Mission: Adoption

When we come to Christ, God nnot only forgives us, He adopts us. Through a dramatic series of events, we go from condemned orphans with no hope to adopted children with no fear...

It would be enough if God just changed your name, but He does more. He gives you his name. It would be enough if God just set you free, but he does more.  He takes you home. He takes home to the Great House of God.

Adoptive parents understand this more than anyone. I certainly don't mean to offend any biological parents--I'm one, myself. We biological parents know well the earnest longing to have a child. But in many cases, our cribs were filled easily. We decided to have a child and a child came. In fact, sometimes the child came with no decision. I've heard of unplanned pregnancies, but I've never heard of an unplanned adoption.

That's why adoptive parents understand God's passion to adopt us. They know what it means to feel an empty space inside.  They know what it means to hunt, to set out on a mission and take responsibility for a child with a spotted past or a dubious future. If anybody understands God's ardor for His children, it's someone who has rescued an orphan from despair, for that is what God has done for us.

God has adopted you. God sought you, found you, signed the papers and took you home.

[Open Adoption]

I'm guessing that very few birthparents truly know before placement how much contact or communication they're going to desire with their child's adoptive family in the months and years after the adoption... true or false?

And for the been there, done that crowd: in retrospect, have you wanted more or less connection with your child's family than you originally thought you would need before you placed/adopted?

[Relative Involvement in Open Adoption Plans]

What's your take on this one? What's been your experience? What worked for you-- or didn't?

[questions ??????]

Just reading back over old posts like this one makes me wonder. Where is Gabbi now? How did things turn out for her and her baby? Every so often at Abrazo, we hear back from moms who made other choices but later refer their friends or sisters or nieces to us for services, and I'm just so thankful for all the brave and wonderful women we are privileged to get to know, working in this area!

Adoption isn't the right choice for everyone, but I think there's something truly special about the women who do make this decision for the children they love so...

[Gender Preference?]

Yikes! An ever-growing number of Abrazo parents-in-waiting at present are holding out for girls--and girls only! What is up with that?! (As the mom of two boys--I protest!!! Little boy clothes may not be as frilly and cute, but there's nothing like a tiny son's giggly, wet kisses!)

Gender preferences are fine for those adoptive parents who have plenty of time to wait for a placement (because even though we may seem to be placing plenty of female infants lately, most birthmoms don't know the baby's gender when they chose the adoptive family, so families who are only waiting on children of one particular sex typically find it much harder to get matched, since the number of birthmoms to whom their profile can be shown is so greatly reduced.) And it is also very frustrating to loving birthmoms seeking homes for their babies, to think that so many of the folks out there "just waiting for a baby to love" could only accept a child with certain "parts"...!

So for those of you out there who can only think pink--suit yourself! but please, be patient!!

(An interesting side note: sociologists say that biological families typically desire a male child first and a female child second, while adopting families overwhelming prefer female children first. Why? Theory has it that boys carry on the family name but are more likely to leave home sooner, while girls are "daughters forever," ergo, those who waited longer to build their family are more apprehensive about their children becoming independent. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?)

[In Memoriam]

Everything Dylan is becoming is a tribute to the wonderful kid he is, to the beautiful mom who birthed him, and to the wonderful parents that you are!! You have a very adorable son and I love that you helped him remember his birthmom in such a special way.

Bless you! Bless her! Bless all the folks who love you and who loved her, as well!

[Determining God's will]

Just thought this was an interesting subject and worth reviving! Our most recent orientation group talked alot on Friday night about their efforts to discern God's will in the course of evaluating their fertility treatment options (and IVF in particular.) I know that anyone who experiences a disappointment along the adoption highway must pause to question why bad things happen to good people and how it relates to God's plan for our lives. Birthparents who grieve seek consolation in the promise that everything happens for a reason and that there is some divine order even amidst great loss and sorrow. And surely many who were once adopted crave assurance that their destiny was not ever left to chance... So how do we "know" what God's will is, how do we know that we're not merely claiming our desires as His agenda, and how do we find (or build) faith to wait on Him for guidance and trust He truly does have His eye on the sparrow at all times?

Anyone want to expound on this?

[Adoption Risks]

Just thought it might be helpful to launch a discussion, for our newcomers, of what the risks in adoption are, and how real-life folks balance the risks with the realities and the benefits. As adoption professionals, we don't like to focus on risk, in part because we want to encourage people and not frighten them, but it's important to prepare adoption consumers for the possibilities, to help them better plan for their families' futures.

When you enter the adoption process, there are no guarantees. None. Not for anyone.

And that can truly be a scary thing.

There are no guarantees that you'll be placed with a child (healthy or otherwise); that you'll find the "perfect" family, that the medical expenses will be covered, that the courts will uphold your intentions, that the baby's birthfather will be correctly identified nor that he'll agree to the adoption, or that no party will ever seek to contest the decision at some point.

There are no guarantees that you'll ever know your child's complete history nor what unknown medical conditions could develop in the future, nor whether the child you adopt will be fully accepted within your community (or family).

There's no guarantee that prenatal care prevents birth defects, nor that lack of prenatal care causes them.

There's no guarantee that you'll be a good parent, nor that the child's adoptive family (or birthparent) will maintain a positive and healthy relationship with you in the future, regardless of what your expectations are at time of placement.

There are no guarantees that the adopting couple will always stay together, or that they'll always have sufficient income to provide for a child, nor that there won't come some point in the future when the birthparents' station in life may improve to the point that they could have made it work out, had they originally elected to parent the child.

There are no guarantees whether the birthparents or adopting parents can do a better job of raising a child.

There are no guarantees that every client served by the adoption agency is a genuinely trustworthy, stable, honest person, who will always do the right thing for the right reason.

There are no guarantees that adoption professionals never make mistakes, whether in word or deed, nor that their own personal needs will never in any way interfere with their work.

There are no guarantees that the child who is being adopted will grow up to be a happy, healthy adult, nor that he or she will necessarily agree with or appreciate the choices being made on his/her behalf, without his/her say.

And those are just a few of the risks I can think of.

So given what "risky business" all of this is, why do adoptions at all? Knowing these things, how did you adoption veterans out there find the faith to move forward? What can you tell newbies about managing risks, and how to discern (from the heart) what's right for you and yours while keeping a realistic perspective on all the unknowns? And how to deal with the fear factor, yet still maintain a healthy sense of self-control and build trusting relationships with those involved?

[Open Adoption]

Well said! Here's another definition, from Ruben Pannor and Annette Baran, co-authors of "The Adoption Triangle" and researchers credited with best describing the formal structure of modern-day open adoptions:

"Open adoption... is a process in which the birthparents and adoptive parents meet and exchange identifying information. The birthparents relinquish legal and basic child rearing  to the adoptive parents. Both sets of parents retain the right to continuing contact and access to knowledge on behalf of the child. Within this definition, there is room for greater and lesser degrees of contact between the parties. The frequency and meaning of the communication will vary during different times in the lives of the individuals involved, depending on their needs and desires, and the quality of the established relationship." Baran & Pannor, 1990: The Psychology of Adoption, pg. 318, Oxford University Press, New York.

[Has Adoption Touched Your Life More Than Once?]

We shared a heartbreaking moment in the office this past week, when one of our hospitalized birthmoms called home for encouragement and was told by her mother (who'd also placed a child for adoption years ago, in a closed adoption) that if she "gave away this baby, (she) was no better than a dog in the street."

The words stung our birthmom, who admitted that while her mother had not ever been supportive of any of her decisions, she still longed for her mom's approval, no matter how old she becomes. Will you be there for me and my baby if I bring him home? she asked, but the answer to this question was no more supportive. She asked her mom if she would be willing to meet the baby and his new parents (an opportunity never afforded her mom, when she made her placement plan) but the birthgrandmother-to-be said "no way" and hung up.

The birthmom wept bitterly, feeling very alone. In the end, she realized that the right choice for her would be to give her baby a more supportive family and a more stable home than the one she had, and she followed through with her adoption decision.

But you know what? When she called home again to tell her mother what she'd done, her mom actually supported her! She'd apparently given it some more thought, because she now told her daughter she knew it was a hard decision and that she understood her daughter had done only what she thought was best for her baby. She may not have agreed with the decision her daughter made, but she acknowledged her right to make that choice, and that was a big step for them both!

And later this week, the birthmom and adoptive family and the baby are going to meet the new birthgrandmother and a proud "big" birthbrother. May it be a wonderful beginning to a beautiful new friendship for them all.

[Resources for dealing with an unplanned pregnancy]

Last week, Abrazo got a call from some birthparents who'd been involved in private adoptions, where the plans were being handled not by a reputable and licensed adoption agency, but by a shady lawyer who promised the birthcouple they would receive cash from the adoptive parents after the baby was born, and who told them they did not need any legal advice from a separate attorney since the adoptive parents had hired this lawyer to "handle all the arrangements."

Just a word of caution!! In private adoptions in Texas, attorneys cannot ever "match" adoptive parents with birthparents, cannot pay maternity expenses for things like living expenses (only documented medical and legal bills!) and cannot represent or advise both the adopting couple and the birthparent/s, since this could be a huge conflict of interest!!

Furthermore, in private adoptions, the birthparents cannot be asked to sign any binding agreements about placing their child/ren for adoption before 48 hours after the birth!!

If you are considering a private (attorney-handled) adoption, rather than an adoption done by a licensed, professional adoption agency, please be sure to have a second, qualified attorney representing just the birthparents-- and take care to acquaint yourself with all the laws in Texas, so you know everything is "on the up and up" from start to finish. You cannot be too careful!! After all, your child's future is at stake.

[Backing Your Baby]

Just thought it might be helpful to add a little section where ideas can be shared about what it means to support a daughter in her adoption plan-- before and after the fact.

Supporting her doesn't have to mean agreeing with everything she's done. It doesn't have to mean wanting the same things for her that she wants for herself.

It just means standing beside her. Being there for her. Saying "I love you no matter what." Letting her make her own best decisions and then helping her live with those decisions, regardless of the fallout.

It means trusting that whether or not you can understand why she's doing what she's doing, you raised her right and she's doing what she believes in.

(Any one out there want to share thoughts on what their loved ones did, big or small, that made them feel supported as they travelled this road in life?)

[Moms of dads=don't they get it?]

Just curious... has anyone seen any news coverage as to what the birthgrandparents had to say, in the matter of of little Evan, the Florida-born three-year-old who was returned to his birthmom today, after his birthfather's custody challenge prohibited the would-be adoptive parents who'd had him since birth from keeping him?

I know I read that the birthfather (who ended up getting only visitation) and his father were present at the time that Evan was transferred to his birthmom's car, and that they reportedly got mad at the photographers, but I'm curious whether any opinions have been expressed, regarding the effects this disruption may have on their birthgrandson?

What a tragic event, all the way around.

[Dr. Phil]

I didn't see the show, but I did handle the intake call we received from a desperate mother who was watching it, and called to ask about placing her (already born) baby for adoption because she'd gotten the message from Dr. Phil that it's selfish not to place if you want more for your child than you can provide...

And I did read a tragic story yesterday out of England about a couple getting sentenced to five years imprisonment for having "salted" to death the child they were trying to adopt in 2002.

I understand why good people sometimes resent the intrusiveness of the adoption application process. I know that all the screening seems unfair, when the world is full of unfit parents who didn't have to prove their medical status or open their bank records or document the number of bathrooms in their home before they got to have children.

But I also know what it's like to be charged with the awesome responsibility of verifying that the homes you're vouching for will truly be loving and safe, and staying awake at night sometimes, worrying whether you're doing the right thing. Because anyone can "talk the talk" but knowing who's really going to "walk the walk" and guessing based on paperwork and personal impressions who will genuinely make good parents is the ultimate test, with the highest stakes of all. (So thank you, adoptive families, for enduring it and helping us trust you for all the right reasons.)

Fortunately, the incidence of child abuse in families formed by adoption is significantly lower than in biological families... and post-placement contact in open adoptions affords loving birthfamilies "proof positive" that the children they placed are, indeed, happy and well cared for... but with the huge surge of families who seek to adopt internationally because they don't want openness in their adoption, or because they cannot meet domestic adoption standards and find the foreign adoption process more accessible but then seek to discard their foreign-born children afterwards because the poor kids don't "measure up" to their expectations, I worry that stories like this one may become more prevalent as these children get older and are able to speak for themselves.

I think the issue scs "didn't go there about" is the challenge I struggle with: helping ensure that the families who adopt domestically bond appropriately. "Matching" cases well is essential, because a good "fit" can help facilitate good attachment between the prospective parents and children, even before birth! Bonding doesn't always "just happen" right away, and adoptive families are sometimes scared to let the agency know when they're having problems connecting, and yet, we can't help them if we don't know!

[Adoptive Parents and their grandchildren]

Loriahn,

Your mom did have "her own" children.

She just didn't birth them!

That said, I do think you're wise to consider her feelings... social workers in adoption are cautioned in training that parents who adopt without resolving their own infertility issues continue to struggle with unprocessed grief throughout their lives, and that the birth of their grandchildren may trigger unexpected loss responses many years later.

So maybe your mom's ability to fully enjoy the delivery will depend on her own experience, but it sounds like a good topic for a heart-to-heart, mother-daughter talk between now and then.

I'm thinking that infertility therapist Patricia Irwin Johnston says something about this in one of her books... I'll try to see if I can find any appropriate links to post here!

Thanks for raising such a important subject. You're going to be a great mom, you know!

[Who Birthmoms Are]

Interesting... in a recent article, the Wall Street Journal reported that more birthmothers are now placing their babies for adoption in American than in decades before, due to open adoption practices. You can read a draft of that article, here: Wall Street Journal Adoption Story.