ElizabethAnn
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Posts posted by ElizabethAnn
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I had a brief opportunity to visit with the new family, their au pair, their new birthmom and her daughter at their hotel today, and I'm proud to report that between the two of them, those Gallagher boys made sure their folks got no more than 1 hour of sleep between them last night!!
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Welcome, Donna & Bart!!!
To celebrate the fact that you've just wrapped up your first homestudy visit, let's make this "official" by launching your very own "Joyous Journey" towards parenthood... you'll look back at that entire journal someday and marvel at how your lives (and you!) were changed in this process...
Not if? but when!!
Best regards, Elizabeth & the Abrazochicks
P.S. (Feel free to rename your Journey as you like!)
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And Matt and Ann, congrats on that first post! Nice to see you back!
(Scott and Susanna, thanks for giving the Princes something to post about and bringing them out of lurkdom!) -
And you are near and dear to many forum hearts, FeelingBlessed!!
For others of you out there who, like myself, went through life thinking cancer was not on your family radar screen, only to face a rude awakening upon the diagnosis of a beloved relative (or yourself), here's a link to a special website offering support for those facing hereditary cancer risks: www.facingourrisk.org
Sign me:
BRCA-1+
Grateful thyroid cancer survivor since 2004
Grateful breast cancer survivor since 2001
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I was thinking this week about the inherent difficulty of discerning "signs from God" and "signs of our choosing." It's human nature, of course, to see what we want to see, but following our own chosen course while attributing our decisions to God can come back to haunt us. Trusting in the master plan/ Master's plan is tremendously difficult, but less so than living with the often painful consequences of our own foolish whims.
My heart goes out to parents-in-waiting who become so discouraged so soon in the process; I understand their desperate longing for a child and their anxiety about not having more control over the waiting game. But just because matches can happen doesn't mean they should. There's so much more to it than just being selected; you still need the discretion to assess, very honestly, the "fit" and your ability to make a lifetime commitment to that other party, as well as the child involved.
Time and time again I've witnessed the dissolution of matches that weren't meant to be, but were grasped like life rafts by people drowning in their doubts and fears, driven by their own needs rather than those of a child. Yet just as often I have been privileged to witness the grace and beauty of placements that were, clearly, heaven-sent and happened truly because the participants did "let go and let God," trite as it may sound.
I am humbled by those who genuinely do "walk by faith and not by sight." I struggle to learn from them, for there's no questioning the miracles that this sort of faith can bring about.
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Larry King... Donald Trump... Luciano Pavarotti... YOU GOT LUCKY DUDE(s)!!!
Researchers are now reporting that men, too, have a biological clock, and that sperm genetic quality deteriorates as men age; it also becomes harder for them to achieve conception.
"Starting in their 20s, men face steadily increasing chances of infertility, fathering an unsuccessful pregnancy, and passing on to their children a genetic mutation that causes dwarfism, according to the study," reads a recent National Geographic article. "The finding comes as more and more men are delaying fatherhood."
To read the entire article, see: Tick, Tock; Tick Tock!...What You're Hearing Is HIS clock!!!
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I keep wrestling with this issue, because Abrazo recently lost the opportunity to work with some beloved would-be againers over it... and poor Angela bears the brunt of it, since I sit in her office endlessly to talk it out, in a hopeless quest to make some sense of it.
It never used to bother me the way it does now. In the early years of Abrazo, we let adoptive parents state their wishes and proceed accordingly, and if a birthmom and baby got left at the hospital like a bride at the altar, we just waltzed in with new profiles, offered words of consolation and said "Here! Choose another!" But the truth is, that didn't serve the best interests of those babies, nor their parents (birth or adoptive). Or did it?
And I guess "best interests" is what it really comes down to, for me. Is it in the best interests of a child to be refused the home his/her birthmom most wants for him/her merely because of gender?
(But then, there are plenty of kids out there whose best interests are denied because of their skin color, or their age, or a myriad of other "objectionable" features...)
Is it in the best interests of a child to NOT join a home if his/her gender is the opposite of what a parent truly wanted, in their heart of hearts? (I hope not; otherwise my second son is in the wrong place, and much as I hoped for a girl, he turned out to be just as great a blessing in my life. Obviously, God knew better, because a girl would've been burdened with my hereditary cancer genes.)
But if I were to adopt now (and I do think about it on random days); I would want a daughter.
Perhaps it's the hypocrisy that's eating me. Should we deny adopting parents the choices we ourselves we would want? Or create "designer options" for them that other parents wouldn't have? We like to believe that Abrazo is governed solely by the best interests of children, yet try as we might, so many other factors influence what we can do and how we go about it...
I don't know what the answers are, but I'm very thankful for everyone's perspectives, and your efforts here to help us find resolution-- for the love of children.
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On first blush, that seems reasonable... but then, how would you prevent other couples who have no gender preference but don't want to cover a birthmom's pregnancy expenses or who want to avoid the openness/intimacy of longer matches, from asking to also be shown only in BOG cases?
We have plenty of couples, childless and otherwise, who ask why we can't just "save" them for BOG cases, in hopes of placing more quickly and more cheaply. Our response has been that we avoid discriminating between our adoptive families by making all qualified profiles available to each birthmom, and leave it up to her to decide who seems to be the best choice.
Also, Texas Licensing has a requirement that agencies apply their policies equally to all clients, so I'm not sure how we could make an exception for gender-specific couples but not for others...? Hmm. (Suebee, keep working on this one, wouldja? and let us know if you come up with more solutions!!)
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As far as your question about B-Mom's. Some may come to Abrazo early in their pregnancy and not yet know the sex of their baby. While yet others already know the sex before you match with them. Our little girl was a BOG, so we had not matched with her B-mom before she delivered. We got the call when Makayla was 5 weeks old. Sidenote: Don't forget. Ultrasounds are usually pretty accurate but not 100% fool proof. What would you do if you matched with a B-mom who thought they were having a boy...only to deliver a girl???
Elaine brought up this very important issue on another thread, and it's one that I've been struggling with, lately.
Abrazo has always allowed adoptive parents to specify a gender preference, not because we like the idea, but because we worry that if we don't , people may match with birthmoms and then dump them if/when the sono is done and reveals that the baby's gender is not what they'd hoped for.
But what if you've got a strong gender preference, and you're matched with a birthmom who's learned to trust you in the months before the birth, but in the delivery room, you discover the sono was wrong?
Do you turn your back on that baby and walk away?
For some families, the answer is not so hard: they would proceed with placement, regardless. But for others, the question poses a dilemma, because they are forced to admit they would "have" to wait for what they really wanted.
And where would that leave the poor baby and his/her birthmom? Abandoned at her most vulnerable, rejected by people they loved, forced to forfeit their chosen plan and somehow, instantly, formulate a new plan, with another family they didn't really know-- or take it as a "sign from God" that the adoption wasn't meant to be and somehow try to parent, without the benefit of months of preparation to bring a baby home?
How can we, as an agency, empower adoptive parents to make their own best decisions for the building of their families, while protecting birthparents and their babies from this kind of loss?
How do we "match" couples with inflexible gender requirements? We can't "save" them only for BOG cases-- that would be unfair to our other clients, who would then be resigned to accepting a disproportionate share of the risks--and costs-- that come with pregnancy matches. We can't ask pregnant birthmoms to pick two families with opposite gender preferences and build relationships with both, leading to certain devastation on the part of the family who doesn't get the baby.
I don't know the answers... but I'm certainly open to suggestions!
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Heidi, meet my friend Ambien... Ambien, meet my friend Heidi!!!
There actually are adoption awareness bracelets on the market; we at Abrazo were delighted to find they were, of all colors, purple!!! which has for years been "the color of Abrazo." We used to buy them in quantity and give them out at Camp Abrazo, until the vendor doubled the price on us. You can still find them Here.
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Lisa, you're absolutely right; thanks for clarifying... the context of the other thread had to do with a prospective parent's fear of contact vs. her desire to add a certain child to her family. I think it is terribly misguided for any prospective adoptive parent to go into a placement plan thinking "well, we really don't like this birthmom but we hope she goes away after the ink is dry."
Openness is about honesty and access. Honesty is an essential feature of psychologically-healthy families. Access, whether to facts or faces, is a crucial component of healthy identity formation. People who've been adopted need both in order to grow and thrive.
Sometimes, folks who do want to get a baby through our program but don't want to do open adoption get testy upon learning we won't "save" birthmoms who don't want contact for matching with adoptive parents who want closed adoptions. Why not? they ask.
It's because we do open adoption for the benefit of the children, not the adults. So whether the adults come seeking openness or not, we place our children (hopefully) only in homes that value the benefits of openness, and therefore will strive to offer Abrazo's kids honesty and access throughout their lives.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Openness is not what you do to get a child into your home; it's how you live your lives once that child is there. That's why openness can still be the gift you give your child, regardless of whether the birthparents are emotionally able to keep in touch or not. And that truly is the gift that will keep on giving, for generations to come. Begin with the end in mind-- the future of your family tree depends on it.
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Lisa, the case to which you refer is the tragic murder of six-year-old Lisa Steinberg, who was placed for adoption as a baby in 1981. However, the adoption attorney (Joel Steinberg) kept her as well as another child (Mitchell, who'd also been placed for adoption by a well-intentioned birthmother), and he and his de facto wife, Hedda Nusbaum, were ultimately responsible for the repeated abuse that resulted in her death. See the Full Story.
Interestingly enough, the birthmother (Michele Launders, who wrote a book about the experience called "I Wish You Didn't Know My Name") was later awarded nearly a million dollars by the City of New York for its failure to protect Lisa after receiving reports of suspected abuse prior to her murder: Birthmom Wins Lawsuit.
Joel Steinberg was released from prison in 2004 after serving 15 years: Killer Released.
Lisa's "adopted" brother, who was returned to his birthmom after her murder, was renamed Travis Smiegel, and is now in college.
Hedda Nusbaum reportedly fled New York upon his release and is living in seclusion.
It's a horrific footnote in adoption history, but hopefully it will serve as a reminder why birthparents have more reason to fear secrecy than adopting parents who "risk" openness.
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For all those folks out there who worry that open adoption might somehow enable a birthparent to come back someday and kidnap your child (and yes, we do get calls from those who truly fear that this could happen), here's the good news:
YOU STILL HAVE A MUCH GREATER STATISTICAL LIKELIHOOD OF
* being in a plane crash
* having your home struck by lightning
* winning the lottery
* being involved in a terrorist attack
* having your marriage fail
* appearing on a reality TV show
* filing for bankruptcy
* having your child kidnapped by strangers
* having your child abducted by spouse.
So worry about the BIG STUFF, whydoncha? Birthparents are loving, responsible parents who want the best for their child, and have the good judgement to know that you are that best. They don't capriciously seek to unravel their child's destiny after all they've done to plan conscientiously for his or her future.
After all, they've given you every reason in the world to trust them, if they entrust you with the one thing in the world that matters most to them. So don't let them down.
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I found this quote by Carl Jung, one of the greatest psychotherapists of our time, and thought it was especially fitting on Mother's Day, when we remember of the loving choices made by the selfless birthparents I've known who wanted more for their children's lives as well as their own:
"The greatest tragedy of the familyis the unlived lives of the parents."
Dr. Carl Jung
What does this statement mean to you, Gentle Reader? Does it hold any truth for you?
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"It is a great shock to realize that the very children you yelled at
to clean their rooms such a short time ago
are now in charge of your grandchildren."
--Susan M. Kettmann, M.S.Ed., The 12 Rules of Grandparenting"
"Grandchildren don't make a woman feel old;
it's being married to a grandfather that bothers her."
--Janet Lanese, Grandmothers Are Like Snowflakes... No Two Are Alike
"Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit."
-- Anonymous
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Dee... we're just a bit confused over how you would already have gotten "scheduled" for a June orientation, because we've not yet sent out any confirmation letters for the next orientation which has been postponed until July... have you received an application acceptance letter yet?
The July event will be a small group of only childless couples who are racially-open, since that is our greatest placement need right now. (Unfortunately, we cannot make room for more folks with kids until more of our current againers are successfully placed.)
Angela is mailing out confirmation packets next week to those who fit this profile; if you have any questions, please call her at the office.
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Yes, 1.5 million women suffered due to these tragic adoption practices ... but many more million women are suffering today due to the effects of post-abortion trauma.
And many do not... and I do speak from personal experience. I'm not looking to launch a debate on the merits of pro-life vs. pro-choice here. But while I respect those who oppose Roe vs. Wade, I also think there are some journeys in life (like infertility, or crisis pregnancy, or relinquishing a child for adoption, for example) that truly can only be understood by those who have faced that crisis for themselves... and then, I think, it is crucial that they have the opportunity to consider all their options, in order to make their own best choices.
My personal opinion is that the decision to terminate a pregnancy is a private matter of conscience between a woman and her God, and not for anyone else to judge. I appreciate that there are those who minister to women who may regret having aborted... just as I try to counsel with those who mourned their decision to surrender babies for adoption. Yet, it is not my place to try to dissuade others from having access to the same range of options. I believe that abortion, like adoption, is not the right option for every mother, but that it's the innate right of every woman to make her own best decisions for herself and her children-- born or unborn.
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What's a mikva? What made taking your son into it such a wonderful memory? Do tell!
And just out of curiosity, are those who adopt babies born to birthmothers whose moms were Jewish still required to undergo the conversion rite? (Somewhere, I think I had heard that children are "born Jewish" if their mothers were Jewish, but not necessarily if their fathers were...?)
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From the San Francisco Chronicle, a beautifully-written article about one adoptee's search to discover who the birthmothers of yesteryear were and why they went through what they did: The Girls Who Went Away. I am also taking the liberty of including the article here, in case the link ceases to work at some future point (our compliments to reporter Robert Speer, on a piece that is so much more than just a book review.)
San Francisco Chronicle: Deprived of a chance to be mothers -- Reviewed by Robert Speer -- Sunday, May 7, 2006The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade By Ann Fessler, THE PENGUIN PRESS; 354 PAGES; $24.95
In 1989, when Ann Fessler was 40, she saw an older woman across the room at an art exhibition who looked "very familiar." Later this woman approached her and, she writes, "with no introduction said, 'You could be my long-lost daughter. You look like the perfect combination of myself and the father of my child.' "
Fessler replied, "You don't know what you're saying to me. I could be your daughter -- I was adopted."
The two women compared dates, but the births were 13 months apart. They continued to talk. The stranger asked Fessler if she had looked for her birth mother. No, Fessler replied, she didn't want to invade her privacy.
"You should find her," the stranger then said. "She probably worries every day about what happened to you and whether you've had a good life."
As the woman talked about the pain and loss she'd felt, and continued to feel, from losing her baby, Fessler realized "that I had never heard the story of adoption from the perspective of a mother who had surrendered her child."
That evening she went home and wrote down every word of their conversation. As she was doing so, she realized why the woman had seemed so familiar to her: She'd had a dream the night before in which they'd been talking together.
Soon after, Fessler started looking for her birth mother.
The search did not take long, but Fessler could not bring herself to take the last step and make actual contact. She was still afraid of invading her mother's privacy, so she decided to wait. She waited 14 years.
In the meantime, she began to focus her work as a photographer and videographer on the subject of adoption. Fessler is a professor of photography at Rhode Island School of Design with a specialty in video-installation art, and her groundbreaking book, "The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade," is the result of her biggest project to date.
Most Americans who came of age in the 1950s or '60s know exactly what the book's title refers to. They can remember at least one girl in their class who suddenly left high school and dropped out of sight, often in a cloud of rumors involving out-of-wedlock sex and pregnancy. These girls simply "went away."
And their history was indeed hidden, as the book's subtitle states. In the years between the end of World War II, in 1945, and the legalization of abortion, in 1973, more than 1.5 million young women surrendered their babies for adoption, almost all of them secretly. In many of these cases, these girls were shunned by family and friends, shamed by priests and pastors, kicked out of school and sent away to "homes for unwed mothers," where they had their babies alone. Often they were still children themselves.
The dominant mythology is that they made well-considered choices leading to adoption, that they chose to give up their babies to "good families" who could take better care of them. The truth is far different. These girls faced so much family and social pressure to relinquish their children that they really had no choice. They were forced to do it, and the loss of their babies has haunted them for the rest of their lives.
Fessler interviewed more than 100 women across the country who surrendered their children, and she gives them ample opportunity to tell their stories in their own words and for the first time, weaving their oral histories together with a perceptive and telling description of the social climate that pressured them so heavily.
The result is a collection of deeply moving personal tales bolstered by solid sociological analysis -- journalism of the first order, moving and informative in equal measure. It's impossible to read this book without feeling tremendous compassion for these women, many who have been, as one of them put it, "an unwilling accomplice to the kidnapping of my own child."
It's easy to forget, in this era of innovation and change in the structure of the American family, just how puritanical white, middle-class society was 40 or 45 years ago. Sex outside of marriage was considered shameful, birth control was hard to obtain, and abortion was either available only to well-to-do families with the right connections or was life-endangering. The suffering experienced by the 1.5 million women represented in this book testifies to the damage such rigidity produced.
For all the concerns we may have about the permissiveness and pervasive sexualization of modern life, Fessler's book reminds us that we have made real progress. The era when young women who found themselves pregnant were coerced into giving up their babies is over. Today they have choices, and all of us, men, women and children, are better off for it.
Robert Speer is a screenwriter and journalist who lives in Chico.
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The birthmom hoping to find an interracial couple for her daughter is still waiting.
Unfortunately, we were unable to locate prospective parents for the sibling group of two, so we have referred that birthmother to some other foster care programs.
I hate to admit that. I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to believing there IS a family out there somewhere for every child who needs them, but in our country, children become infinitely less "desirable" once they pass the infancy stage, and that's a shame. Folks usually say "well, next time we'd gladly consider that, but this time, what we really want is a newborn."
Somehow, though, once they get their newborn, "next time" usually brings just another request for the same...
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Thanks for asking... the last we heard, the case had been referred to Child Protective Services.
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Just thought it might be nice to add a spot where our friends of the Jewish faith can share their tradition and the impact it has had in their journey to adoption and beyond! (My mother's family were Russian Jews but she did not grow up in the faith so what little I know of it I've gotten from her twin, a practicing Jew living in Hawaii who's become something a family legend over the years-- oy vey! Think Dame Edna in a mumu and toting a harp around!) And y'all wonder where I get it? (Sorry, Aunt Wendy!)
So-- a variety of questions, just to get some dialogue rolling! What led you to consider using an adoption agency other than Jewish Family Services, which has been so prominent in the placement of children over the years? Does your temple do anything special to honor adoptive families? How did you explain your beliefs to birthparents of differing faiths, who wanted to know how you would raise your child? How did you handle the issue of circumcision vs. bris? What advice would you offer other Jewish couples just beginning the adoption process?
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Besides, we ALL love Debra and Billy and want to know how they're doing at all times!
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Here's a sweet story I just heard from one of our staff members who just got off the phone with a birthmom who's in the hospital, having recently delivered... she's been solid on the idea of adoption being the right plan for her baby's future, but when her dad came by the hospital to see his new grandson, he told her the baby was so beautiful, he just didn't see any way they could still go through with this.
Well, the birthmom arranged for her parents to meet the adoptive couple she'd chosen; her dad ended up taking them out for supper; and this morning, he assured his daughter that she is making the right choice, because he now knows firsthand that his grandbaby is going to be in good hands.
Things Infertile Folk Hate to Hear
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Joke of the Day for Progressive Families:
Why don't more kids brag about having birthparents?
Because then every kid would want some!!!
That's brilliant, Nancy... and it's true! Besides being a great answer that even a kid who was once adopted could learn to use easily...
Would that we might live to see a day when the word "adopted" conjures up in the public's mind a picture of kids that are extra-loved by a larger-than-average family clan-- rather than rejected foundlings who had to rely on the kindness of strangers to survive in the world!