ElizabethAnn
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I emailed the other agency's director to request fee information, in case anyone needed a clear cost estimate in order to move forward? but that agency never responded (nor did one contact Angela to express any interest in this case.) Hopefully other programs to whom the information was sent had more options to offer this child (but no, we've heard nothing more.) Thanks for asking.
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Abrazo was saddened to learn this evening that one of our favorite social workers, Penny Glatstein of Jewish Family Services in Memphis passed away this week. (Read the obituary, here.)
Penny completed the homestudies and post-placement supervision for dozens of Abrazo's families, and whenever she sent adoptive parents our way, we knew they were extra-special folks, by virtue of her faith in them.
Penny was one of those remarkable adoption professionals who never lost her ability to laugh, and whose wisdom and friendship we sincerely valued. She was a joy to know and a force to be reckoned with, and we are so thankful for all the years we were blessed to work with her.
We wish her mother, her husband and their family peace and comfort in this time of deep sorrow. Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim!
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I share your hope this child will be "just fine"-- but I don't think that love and a healthy environment are guaranteed to outweigh all the genetic factors involved. Any family that does proceed with placement planning needs to be fully aware of the likelihood that hereditary issues will arise, and be truly quipped to manage any related mental health challenges.
Obviously, this dear mother and her family have problems that love, alone, cannot conquer. Much as I want to see every child in need find a loving home, I wouldn't advise any of our adoptive families who are truly seeking to adopt "a healthy child only" take this situation on, because this child deserves to have parents who are genuinely ready for the many considerable risks this case entails.
Please note: any families that are interested in considering this case must already possess current homestudies, FBI checks, and all other required pre-adoption documentation.
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Another licensed agency in Texas is seeking an adoptive home for a baby due this week whose mother has some very serious problems. We are sharing the case history here, at their request, in hopes of helping to locate a home for this infant. However, please note that this case will not be handled through Abrazo, and the other agency's fees are not known. The case should be considered only by those seeking a special needs placement as well as legal risk, since ICWA cases ensure a birthparent's right to rescind their relinquishment for 6-12 months. If any Abrazo families are genuinely interested in this high-risk placement opportunity, please fax a written request to Angela (210/342-6547) tomorrow, informing her of your desire to have your homestudy forwarded to that agency for prompt consideration.
Agency is expecting the birth of a White/part Native American child this week. The birth mother is registered Cherokee. The Cherokee Nation has advised that they have no family available to adopt this child and have said that we may consider Non-ICWA compliant families. She is also part-Delaware Indian and the Nation gave verbal consent to consider Non-ICWA compliant families. She will not execute her relinquishment until at least 10 days following the birth of her child in compliance with ICWA.Social History: This information was gathered from the family, the birth mother, and various records from hospitals and social agencies that have worked with her and her family. The reliability of self-report is certainly questionable because of the family's mental health issues. Much of the information in the various records was provided by the family and is also
suspect.
Childhood: The birth mother's parents were married at the time she was born. There is a history of poverty; lack of employment; alcohol abuse; neglect, arguing, fighting, social and cultural deprivation, and mental health issues that prevented and interfered with her parents' ability to provide a "normal" childhood. There is indication in the records that the birth mother spent time in foster homes because her mother was at times hospitalized because of her mental health issues and unable to care for the birth mother and her brother. The father's whereabouts were rarely clarified. The dates of her stays in foster care/children's homes are unknown. Those records are not available to the agency.
Adolescence: The turmoil continued but she was allegedly raped twice by a neighbor when she was 13 years of age. Her family failed to report the incidents and no treatment was sought. She subsequently began to suffer depression and the onset of her mental health issues lead to her first hospitalization at age 14. According to hospital records, she was admitted to the mental hospital directly from foster care. Throughout her adolescence and childhood she was hospitalized and treated for MH issues that eventually lead to her current diagnoses. Hospital records indicate that she was in foster homes from age 13 on until she reached adulthood but the foster care records are not available to the agency at this time. She reportedly attended special schools and dropped out during her 10th grade year. She later clarified that she was in Special Education and considers herself a slow learner. Throughout childhood and adolescence she was somewhat non-cooperative with authorities at school and withdrawn from her peers who viewed her as "different."
Adulthood: Her parents divorced in 2000 although records indicate that her parents were separated off and on since 1984. She, her mother, and her brother reside in the family's dilapidated home. They each receive disability income because of their mental health issues. This is their only source of income. The birth mother has often been seen in the soup lines at various social agencies in the community where she receives her only meals. She does not know how to cook or prepare meals.
The birth mother is a pleasant young woman who functions on a somewhat limited basis because of her mental health issues and deprivation experienced in her home as she grew up. She is a 34 years old, obese, White female who has been diagnosed as having paranoid schizophrenia, including psychosis and hallucinations, in addition to borderline personality disorder. Prior to her pregnancy she was diagnosed as alcoholic but she has reportedly been sober since December 2008, about the time she became pregnant.
In her most recent mental health hospitalization her intellectual functioning was estimated at "below average" while in the same record she is referred to as having "average intellect." (Her records from 1989 indicated a Full Scale IQ on the WISC-R of 86.) Her family subsists at poverty level with high levels of family dysfunction, complicated by lack of education, social deprivation, and nutrition. There is an extensive history of mental health diagnoses within her immediate family, including her mother and her brother, as reflected in their ability to function and support one another, and her maternal grandfather's suicide.
She has made suicide gestures in the past but appears to be functioning reasonably well during this pregnancy. She was removed from antipsychotic and psychotropic medications during this pregnancy and maintained reasonably well.
Physical Health History
The birth mother has been diagnosed as morbidly obese, alcoholic (in remission and not during this pregnancy), asthmatic, far sighted, suffering from poor dental hygiene, having frequent tinea infections because of poor physical hygiene (fungal infection). She is approximately 5'8" with brown hair and eyes and a freckled complexion, weighing about 265 pounds.
Family Social, Educational, Genetic History
Father: Father is described as an alcoholic who is mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. Peggy reported to one hospital that he also abused marijuana and cocaine. He resides out of state and is minimally involved at this time. She claims that in 1984 she witnessed her father trying to kill her mother and that traumatized her greatly.
Mother: Birth mother seems very dependent upon and connected to her mother who is mentally ill, having many of the same or similar diagnoses as the birth mother. The mother is on disability income because of her mental illness. She and her daughter have a conflictual relationship but seem to "need" each other and they live together, along with her brother. They are each other's primary support systems. The mother has been indiscriminate in her sexual behavior, some of which the birth mother witnessed growing up. She reports seeing her father molest her mother.
Brother: Learning disabled; high school graduate who cannot read; similar diagnoses as the birth mother. Records indicate that his Full Scale IQ is 72.
Substance Abuse History: The birth mother admits that she used marijuana in the past but this was "years ago" and not related to this pregnancy. She reportedly is an alcoholic but has been sober since October 2008. Her consumption was reported as a weekly binge of whiskey (8 shots each Monday) and consumption of ½ of a 5th of rum each week, resulting in dyspepsia. She has been on a variety of prescription psychotropic medications, as well as pain killers to manage back pain incurred as the result of a car wreck. There is no indication that she abused her prescription meds.
Educational History: The birth mother was in special education classes and dropped out of school in the 10th grade. She missed a great deal of school growing up because of the chaos in her family. She reports taking care of her mother on occasion and missing school to do so. She moved between foster care and her biological family and the impact of those moves is unknown on her academic functioning.
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I just happened across this Lutheran site today, with a Bible study lesson on adoption: Waiting Eagerly
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Hope those of you who attended Camp Abrazo had a wonderful time..Maybe my daughter and I will get to do this one day...
Mari, we were so disappointed when we found out you and Lauranda and Sloan and Joe & Shelley weren't planning to come, but I was thinking of your daughter on Saturday, when we celebrated all the August birthdays out there at Camp.
Y'all have been through so much in the past year. Here's hoping the year ahead is smooth sailing and blue skies for each of you!
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We were talking with an adoptive parent this week about a painful encounter that arose with their children's birthgrandmother recently. The adoptive family, who doesn't get to see their children's adult birthmom more than once a year or so, just spent nearly a week with the entire birthfamily, then asked the birthmom to come to their hotel alone to spend some quality time, one-on-one, with the kids. When the birthgrandmother became aware of the plan she got very upset, forbidding her daughter (the birthmom) to spend this time with them alone. The adoptive parents, concerned that the birthgrandmother had somehow misunderstood their intentions, tried approaching her to discuss it, and to their horror, the "discussion" somehow turned into a shouting match.
Did the birthgrandmother feel over-protective of her daughter? Was she jealous of the adoptive parents' desire to spend time with her daughter alone, or was she feeling threatened by their interest in her, somehow? Did she perceive that they were rejecting her or the rest of the family, even though the prior week had already been spent with all of them together? Should the adoptive parents have not scheduled such a long visit-- was there too much togetherness? Is the birthgrandmother afraid that the length of this visit somehow indicates the family is not planning on coming back?
There are such delicate frameworks of trust in open adoptions, and yet, boundaries are such an important thing. No matter how well acquainted both families are, it's still so important to be mindful of each others' roles.
Birthfamilies visiting with adoptive families need to take care to acknowledge the adoptive parents' authority, to not to disrupt childcare routines, and to ask the adoptive parents' for permission to "do for" (ie., diaper or feed or discipline) the child/ren, just as adoptive parents should do in the hospital when a baby is not officially "theirs" yet.
Adoptive parents need to take responsibility for keeping lines of communication open, and to continue creating opportunities for contact whether or not the birthparents respond, because their child/ren need/s them to keep trying. It's essential that they not allow their fondness for birthgrandparents or other family members to interfere with their ability to communicate effectively with the birthparents (whatever their age).
We're thankful that the adoptive family we spoke with today value their friendship with both the birthmom and her family enough that the incident will not cause them to withdraw. Instead, they are seeking to better understand what happened and why, and rebuild from there.
I'm taking the liberty of sharing this here because I think it's important to acknowledge that there are going to be times in any open adoption relationship where people don't always get along. That's normal. What's important is for people to take such moments in stride, to resolve them as they're able and to ask for help when needed, then to enable relationships to grow from these experiences. That, after all, is what "being family is really all about.
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Kourtney Kardashian tells People magazine that she thought long and hard about whether she wanted to keep her baby, but the alternative to her meant abortion, never adoption: Why Is It The Abortion Option Seems So Much Easier to Consider Than Adoption?
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Hmmm... it remains to be seen (pun intended) whether or not there's any truth to this report, but numerous sources have published stories claiming that the famous father of once-adopted teen Bella Cruise gave her $59k for a makeover that ended up consisting of a new haircut and an improved wardrobe. (Interestingly enough, it seems that the adoption of Isabella Kidman Cruise is a source of great curiosity for those who have left the Scientology movement: read one example, here. Actress Kirstie Alley, also a Scientology follower, adopted two children with her husband Parker Stevenson before their unfortunate divorce. And while we're on the subject of Scientology and parenthood, Ron Hubbard's son gave an interview in 1982 that didn't exactly score points for the founder's apparent relationship with his biological son: No Love Lost Between Scientology Founder & His Son.) There is apparently some documentation suggesting that Scientology's Elite female members who became pregnant are/were "strongly encouraged" to submit to abortions or adoptions, which seems bizarre: listen in on some discussions regarding this, here.
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Rebecca, I am so glad you found the courage to reach out and try again. A dear friend of mine who was adopted found his birthmom about 10 years ago, and learned that he had a living birthbrother. His birthmom didn't want her son to know about him, however, so he did not make contact.
After his birthmother died, he felt more comfortable with the idea of contacting the brother that didn't know about him, but he kept waiting for the perfect time, and this past week, he was crushed to learn that his birthbrother passed away unexpectedly just days ago.
There's no time like the present to try to break free from the past by building bridges for the future! I hope you and your birthsister will find success in your efforts to grow a genuine rapport and a lasting friendship.
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From the book "The Shack" by William Young... a quote attributed to that novel's version of God, which may help soothe the souls of those struggling with various adoption losses:
"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
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Well, Willie's redeemed himself, by a notch, in my book by publicly stating that he is allowing for openness, saying "I'll never NOT let (his birthmother) see him." Good for him, for having compassion for the birthmother's circumstances and recognizing the importance of honoring his new son's first family regardless!
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Tina, here's a story that previously ran on Good Morning America that questions the appropriateness of adoption fairs: Matching Parties or Meat Markets?
I can't help but wonder what the "ugly sixteen-year-olds" and the other "unwantable" foster kids at the fair out of which Willie picked his "sweet and cute" boy are feeling, hearing his comments. Click here to see just a few of the kids in Los Angeles who still wait for families. (And check out this great program, Weekend Miracles, which is trying to facilitate adoptions of older kids both in Los Angeles and Washington, D.C.)
In an interesting twist on this subject, country music star Rodney Atkins talks about being The Baby That Two Families Gave Back.
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Special prayers for her first mom also. She has given us the most precious gift ever!
I think, in her mind, you're the gift she's given to her most precious baby ever...
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I know, Ellen, although it's clearly meant to be satire! But can you believe that the parts in italics were actual quotes from the new adoptive dad, in real life? (See Heidi's link, in post 221.) I am sure he was speaking "off the cuff" and maybe he got into adoption without undergoing much preparation or adoption education, but hopefully he'll learn to address the process with more discretion, for his new son's sake.
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Amanda, you weren't alone in reacting as you did... here's the satirical take from our friends across the pond: Actor Wins Child at Adoption Fair
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I don't know how many folks out there saw the original letter referenced in this Dear Abby column, but it was very sad, and I can't help but wonder how many other desperate moms are out there thinking the same thing without any realization that there IS help available, if they reach out?
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AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY
by Susan Zaremba
Never in my life had I imagined,
I would be where I am now.
I always thought the road would be smooth and easy,
When I made my wedding vow.
We would have a family, just like that,
Whenever we decided to, at the drop of a hat.
Nobody around me in my life led me to believe otherwise,
That I would not become a mother, when I became a wife.
But the road has been so long, with lots of curves and hills
And bumps, and things that just went so wrong...
When I thought I was at the end of my journey and my baby was meant to be,
Once again I crashed and was awakened to reality.
So I continue on my travels, I go on trying, and hoping, and crying...
As the story of my fate unravels... at least I have found some peace in knowing
That along the way, I have met others,
Who are on this journey to become mothers.
And I may have found a gift, that God has blessed me with to share,
Until we all find our way there.
There-- where we are not going in circles, or hitting a dead end,
But seeing the horizon ahead, and then this empty hole will mend...
As our journey ends, which we complete with our new friends,
and on this road we will finally find
our children to hold,
and our grandchildren
as we grow old.
On this unexpected journey,
Which I never knew would be so long,
Or so rough,
Or so inspiring,
Or that it would make me so strong.
I'm glad I am now taking the scenic route.
I'm learning what it's all about.
It will be worth it without a doubt!
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Mari, if the Abrazo staff can help in any way, please don't hesitate to call on us! Keeping you and your entire family in our prayers, and thanking God that your daughter is still among us to celebrate another birthday, by the grace of God! Big hugs to you both...
(P.S. Don't hesitate to call Pat, if additional sessions would help. If you need her number again, just let us know.)
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There is something so terribly ironic about the fact that this mother, Otty Sanchez, who sacrificed her baby's life was taken to University Hospital for treatment on the same morning that Grace Ellen's mother was discharged from that same hospital, preparing instead to secure her baby's future through a loving adoption plan.
It's becoming more clear, with continued (and unnecessarily grotesque) news reports that Otty's son probably would not have been a likely candidate for adoption, since his father was in the picture and helping to house and support this child and his mom until Otty's recent move-out. His parents have stated in recent interviews that they love(d) Otty like a daughter; obviously, her own mother and sister were also trying to help her care for the baby in their home, as well, taking shifts until that fateful moment when he was killed in the early hours of the morning.
Very few mothers with mental illness have the forethought to make loving adoption plans, unfortunately. And those who do generally need alot of ongoing support to negotiate the sharp curves of grief that follow.
I appreciate Dyna's prayer that she get the help she needs, and I join her in that petition. I can't help but think of how devastated this woman will likely be when the fog passes and she realizes the horror of what her illness caused her to do.
Prayers, also, for Scott W. Bucholtz, the baby's father, and his family, as they struggle to come to terms with this unspeakable loss!
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CLICK HERE to light some candles of your own today!
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(I've taken the liberty of moving some of the preceding posts from the Cootchie thread over here, to keep the discussion flowing smoothly.)
Perhaps this might help clarify things: Why Your Insurance MUST Cover the Child You Adopt.
Once again... we KNOW that MOST insurance companies will NOT sign that form we send home with you from orientation, because it confirms that the insurance company will grant you coverage from birth, and once signed and notarized, it becomes a legal agreement.
Why do we ask you to try to get them to do it, then?
Because a surprizingly high number of companies that do not cover babies being adopted from birth DO sign that form when asked (for whatever reasons?!) and in doing so, a surprizingly high number of Abrazo's families have gained additional insurance benefits for the children we placed with them.
So it's worth a try!! but if they won't sign it, no need to inform Abrazo. And if they DO, send it back in to us quick and count yourselves lucky!
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Interestingly enough, the San Francisco Gate is rerunning a Redbook article that's complementary to the one cited in my first post on this thread, as if presenting the opposite side of the coin:
THIS IS WHAT ADOPTION FEELS LIKE.
My favorite quote from this piece follows, here. I imagine most of Abrazo's families who've adopted can relate:
"No one I know who has adopted would say that the journey came without heartache.And we all recognize that a lot of heartache is also experienced by the birth parents, and understand that just because they weren't able to raise their kids doesn't mean that they don't love them deeply.
But even though growing our family has been a lot harder than I ever imagined when I made that simple life plan back in high school, I wouldn't change a single step on our path to parenthood -- because each one led us to our daughter."
-- Gina Shaw
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Sadly, the world's oldest mom (a native of Spain, who underwent fertility treatment in the U.S. in order to birth twins at age 66) is now dead, and her twin boys are just three years old: read it here.
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Abrazo tries not to use that vernacular ("giving up a child for adoption") because it implies that a child is something that one can easily pass over to another, and nothing is further from the truth.
But how many prospective adopters out there really understand what an enormous sacrifice a mother makes for her baby when she places a newborn, and what a toll doing so takes on her psyche for the rest of her life? If more folks understood that, would as many truly seek to reduce adoption to a business transaction, a process of "getting papers signed" then parting ways forever?
Or would more compassionate people find the courage to embrace openness even before sitting through that panel at Abrazo's orientation weekends, realizing that the Golden Rule truly must apply, because not one of them could ever bear to see their mothers or sisters or daughters put through the indignity of a closed adoption, and thus could not ever consider such impersonal arrangements ever again?
Would understanding the toll that relinquishment takes make us better adopters? Better adoption workers? Better-prepared birthparents? Would it lend clarity and increase our patience when adoption plans end abruptly, in advance of surrender?
Can those who hope to adopt truly hope to believe that birthmothers "move on" with their lives once the ink is dry? And why would such denial not be a betrayal of the child involved? Who would want to be matched with a woman so heartless? Or does that idea somehow alleviate us of our own sense of culpability for her pain? (How many of Abrazo's already-placed adoptive parents even realize/d that their child's birthmother was still bleeding, long after their Compact was approved and even after the baby arrived at home with them? )
Here's a stunning, wrenching account of what a loving birthmother experiences, from delivery to relinquishment and long afterwards: Painful Truths Every Prospective Adopter Should Know.
There's no such thing as "just getting a baby," in adoption, so let's just be honest about how hard this is. Right from the start.
And let's uphold all who brave this experience with eyes wide open and hearts to match.
Profiles: Presenting... YOU!
in Looking to Adopt
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For anyone out there who is agonizing over the necessity of creating a profile (also known as the tool by which prospective adopters find an expectant mother with whom to match) or who doesn't feel their profile is presently working to their advantage, our friends at Adoption Learning Partners are offering a new online training course on how to create an eye-catching piece that truly reflects who you are! It's being presented at a reduced cost for a limited time: click here for more information.