sharyberry

Wow, that article makes me sad. As I read it, I wonder how much of that our son's birthfamily feels from us. (I have not asked permission from her to use names, so I won't here.) When we adopted our son at birth he had a half sibling 17 months older than him. Now he has two more who are a several years younger. He is almost 12 now. Although I don't believe we have made his birthmother jump through hoops to have "contact" with us since our adoption is completely open, it is the siblings I worry about. His birthmother has told us that his older sibling asks about him frequently. Going through all the emotions listed in that article, sadness, anger, regret. She talks with her child beautifully about this but I'm sure it is extremely difficult on them both. I am guilty of treating the younger two as "forgotten". I have met them, when they were too small to know who we were. I imagine we are like fairy tale people to them, not entirely real?? Because of that, we don't talk about them to our son as much as we do the older sibling. While reading that article I felt an overwhelming sense, an "ah-hah" moment, that our adopted child is really only on loan to us. On loan from God, from the world, from his birthfamily. He is growing up, he is becoming his own self. He will not always define himself based on who his family is, as he does now at such a young age. One day, he will move about the world on his own, I won't get asked permission about his whereabouts, his friends, his clothing. I won't get asked permission on how he should feel, act towards, contact, spend time with, etc when it comes to friends and family. (Certainly I'll still have an opinion of course!!!) Now is the time to influence what kind of man he will be. I pray that we are able to instill in him a love for his family, ALL of his family, so he will know that no matter where he goes, someone who loves him, will be there for him. That love extends beyond the borders of the titles we may have, Adoptive Mother/Father, Birthmother/sibling. Now is the time to embrace those people and create relationships that will carry him on through his life. So his birthfamily relationship... to me it closely resembles the relationship between cousins. There is a link there, there is love, a sense of belonging. But he doesn't live with them, like cousins! The article has convinced me that I need to be more aware of their family as a whole. Sharon

For us, it was when things no longer felt right for us. We had gotten to a point that we were each avoiding the issue. It was a tense subject between us. Starting adoption proceedings was such a relief for us! Now that was something that felt right!!