"I'm Ready, But My Spouse Isn't--Now What?"

[Stork Central]

Lately, Abrazo has heard from a number of prospective adoptive applicants struggling with feeling ready to adopt while their spouses just "aren't there yet."  Our files are bulging with completed inquiries from prospective families holding off on sending in their finished applications because one would-be parent is raring to move forward and yet the other is plagued with doubts and reservations.

Anybody out there have some experience in dealing with this?

How do you handle putting your dreams on hold while you wait for your partner to get on the same page? Who decides when is the "right" time? Is it "fair" to get started before both partners are on the same page at the same time, or is it unrealistic to expect that this ever really happens?

If adopting (rather than being able to birth biological offspring) seems like "second choice," does that necessarily make it wrong? As one apprehensive adoptor recently asked, how do you deal with the question of whether you could truly love "someone else's child" when biology denies you the opportunity to experience "your own" baby?

What could we (as the Forum community) do to help support prospective parents during this difficult time?

And for any Forumites who are now parenting but were previously the reluctant or less-ready participant, what insight could you offer as to facing fears and getting ready and knowing when is the "right" time to move forward?

[jfmommy]

Unfortunately, I don't think you can force your spouse to "get on the same page as you."  I was the unwillingly partner in our relationship.  My husband didn't even want me to go through all the infertility treatments.  He thought it was a waste of time and money and he hated to see me depressed after each failed month.  At the time, I could not face the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and no amount of talking to me was going to make a difference.  Eventually, I came around and saw that my husband had been right all along.  The thing that helped me was when my mom talked to me about adoption.  After that talk with my mom, the next day I sent inquiries to several adoption agencies.  So, maybe talking to someone else could help.  

I don't think it's wrong to think of adoption as your "second choice."  As we talked about at our orientation, no one sets out in life to be infertile.  I think almost everyone is going to try to have a biological child before deciding to adopt.  Now that we have our beautiful girl, we definately don't see HER as our second choice, she is just the one we were meant to love and parent.  

I don't know that any of this helps.

Jill

[Travis and Jacquee]

So very well said, Jill.

For us, the reality of being infertile had to set in for us for a long while too.  I guess somewhere in my mind I was thinking that we'll adopt "if all else fails".  But when I saw a local commercial about adoption, it changed my attitude completely.  And like Jill, I had started talking to my family members about it to see how they felt about it.  To my surprise and delight they were so supportive and excited at the idea.

So when my husband and I finally sat down to discuss our feelings about parenting a child that was not biologically related to us, I was preparing myself for the fact that maybe he wouldn't feel the same way about adopting.  And he was quiet and reserved at first just taking in all the information I had found online about adoption.  I didn't push because I knew he'd have to fall in the love with the idea on his own.  And he did.  But the lesson for me was not to try to project my thoughts and ideas on to him because I was pretty excited and eager to get the process going.

Our son is now 15 months old and he and my husband are inseparable.  I have never seen my husband so in love in my life.  It was definitely worth searching our hearts, feelings, and convictions over because we are just overjoyed at being our son's parents..and everything that goes along with that.  My sister hit the nail on the head one day when she said "it wasn't only about adopting the right child for you, but also about being the right parents for your child."

Jacquee

[linlacor]

My husband was 36 when we met and 37 when we married (neither of us had ever been married before).  He was pretty comfortable living his life as a bachelor but was definitely wanting to get married.  I believe I asked him on our first date whether or not he wanted children or not (because that would have meant bye-bye Mr. Right) and he said that he could see himself with a child (or even 2).  So, that was good enough for me - at least I knew he wasn't opposed to having children....he just didn't have a burning desire for it like I did.

Throughout our journey to get pregnant (about 3 1/2 years...), he was always supportive (we did 2 IVFs) but again, he wasn't watching the Baby Shows I would tape every day.    I was a little concerned that maybe he was going along with the infertility stuff simply to be supportive of my desires to be a mom - but over and over he assured me that it wasn't entirely like that.  He couldn't assure me that he desperately wanted a child, like I felt, but he did want to be a father.  I just wanted to be sure that I never pressured him into anything because I didn't feel that was something I wanted to "deal" with later on in case it ever came up.

I remember going out to dinner together shortly after our first failed IVF attempt.  I wanted to talk to him about adopting because I hated the in-vitro experience - I wanted a sure thing and to me, adoption has a fairly predictable end result (granted - it may not be a predictable journey but most everyone I've ever met who began an adoption process, ultimately ended up as parents).  He told me he wasn't opposed to adoption but he would really rather try IVF one more time.  I didn't push things (although I kept reading adoption books, etc and educating myself on the process and the various decisions one has to make when they go that path).  

We moved to a different state, due to a job transfer for my husband.  I briefly considered giving up on the mommy thing for a few years (mainly because I just couldn't bear to go through another IVF cycle and the disappointment) and even took the LSAT to apply for law school.  I changed my mind, started the IVF again and once again, the results were negative.  I read a book by the author Jill Smowlowe called, "An Empty Lap".  Whoa!  Talk about a reluctant spouse - he made Lance seem enthusiastic about starting the adoption process.  (In the end, her spouse totally does an about face and just adores their daughter as a father does).  That book gave me hope because even though I wasn't exactly dealing with a reluctant spouse - I was dealing with a spouse who wasn't in a hurry to do things and though open to adoption - he openly admitted to me that he had some concerns that he needed to work through on his own (the expense was something he needed to come to terms with - he also said (I hope this comes out okay) that because he didn't have this burning desire to have children at that moment in his life, he was a bit worried about how he would bond with a child - a biological child...and since he thought it would take him some time to bond with a biological child...he was really concerned about how he would bond with a child who didn't share his genes, he was really concerned about what would happen if a birthparent changed their mind and how that would feel...those are some of the things I can think of off the top of my head that he shared with me when we talked about it (and we talked about it quite a bit - I kept bringing it up as a topic of discussion - I wanted to understand what was really driving his "reluctance" even though I knew I couldn't & wouldn't do anything to change his feelings...I totally accepted that this was something he needed to work on all by himself but I wanted to know that he was in fact thinking about it and trying to work on it - I didn't want it to just stagnate in all the other things he had going on in his life (i.e. work mainly).  I also tried to balance bringing it up with not wanting him to feel pressured - it was really more of a discussion where I asked questions and listened... alot....and if he didn't have answers, I didn't push it.

Anyway, inside - I was going insane - all I could think about was how much I wanted to be a mother and I wanted him to want it as much as I did but it wasn't something I could control.  I did a lot of reading and websurfing about adoption and adoption agencies but I didn't want to make contact until I could do so with his knowledge (I would have felt like I wasn't respecting him if I would have done something behind his back - I'm all about the "do unto others" thing).  

This was all going on during my 2nd IVF cycle (because I knew I wouldn't get pregnant).  I'm not sure exactly when but at some point, Lance worked through his concerns enough where there was a light (meaning we could begin the process and he felt confident enough that whatever lingering doubts he had would be worked out at some time during everything).  Once we learned the IVF didn't work - I was ready to make that first contact - I asked him it was okay and he said "sure" - I think he thought it would take a bit longer than it did.  I made that contact, we had the application to complete about a week or so later - we spent about a week completing the application and by this time, his concerns were down to the financial aspects of it and what if a birthmother changed her mind.  

I wouldn't describe Lance as someone who was as enthusiastic about everything as I was - I lived, breathed, ate, slept, drank, etc baby, baby, baby.  The thought of becoming a mother consumed every thought I had - I would just out of the blue say, "I want a baby so much" about 50 times a day and Lance would always respond the same, "I know you do sweetie".  I really think that book though helped me accept that Lance wasn't as "into" it as I was but that didn't mean he wouldn't just fall head over heels in love with our child once we had him/her (oh my gosh, and did he ever - he tells me over and over again how he just never knew how much he needed Kayleigh but now he knows - he describes it now as he has such a sense of belonging now that she is his daughter).  

One of the big shifts for him occurred at Abrazo's Orientation - he really connected with Elizabeth.  He felt he could trust her and he had a huge amount of respect for her and her integrity.  Whatever was said during those couple of days made a huge impact on his desire to start a family "then" not "later".

I will say though that even when we got the call on Kayleigh - Lance told me he needed some time to "think about it".  I told him he had already had time to think about it - that's what he'd had the last few months to do (we attended August 2002 Orientation and got the call in Dec 2002) and that there wasn't anything to think about and I had already agreed to the case.  He wasn't all that happy that I hadn't included him in on the decision but in my mind, we had gone over and over and over what we were and weren't comfortable with and Kayleigh's case didn't have anything about it that we had discussed as something we weren't comfortable with.  Anyway, the reason I'm adding that in there is because that's why I wanted to be 100% sure that he was "on the same page" as me when we started the process because if he wouldn't have been, well....trying to get on the same page once the call came would have been the wrong thing to do - and at that point, you're involving too many other people - not a fair thing to do (it's one thing when it's between the two of you).  I knew that Lance was ready to adopt - he wasn't as anxious as I was but I knew he was ready.  His feeling of "needing to think about it" was just him - he never likes to rush into things but he had to make an exception and we had talked about that beforehand too (when we agreed awhile back that we'd be open to a last minute case, where the baby had already been born).  That's just the way Lance handles decision making - very slowly.

Not sure if any of this helps anyone - I guess to sum my long rambling thing up - is that I don't think you should ever pressure someone into something they're not comfortable with but I do think it's necessary to keep the dialogue flowing to make sure you understand where your spouse is coming from.  I don't think I'd take the first step until I felt comfortable that my spouse was ready, willing, and able to begin the adoption process (I think it's totally okay to gather information, etc and even read it to them (like I often did) but not get the ball rolling yet).  And, be prepared for your spouse to perhaps not have quite the enthusiasm level as you may have - that CAN and likely will change once the baby is a more tangible concept - for Lance, I think it was just hard to picture himself as a father and so it was hard to get really excited about it until it seemed real.  And for the record - Lance gets just as excited as I do now over every little thing that Kayleigh does and often, is more teary than me when we are sitting back and just watching her be her.  He says he bonded with her more than he ever imagined he could ever bond with anyone the minute he laid eyes on her (he wouldn't even let me hold her!! )

-Lisa

Oh yes, and I wanted to respond about the 2nd choice thing.  Even though we didn't go straight from not being able to conceive to adoption - I don't think of adoption as our 2nd choice - I guess though if you think about it, it was.  I really like the way Jill put it though that it isn't the child that is 2nd choice - it's something different from that.  Kayleigh is the child I wanted - if I had it to do all over again and I could choose between Kayleigh and a biological child, I'd choose Kayleigh without even thinking about it.  And Lance feels the same way.  Granted, we would have liked to have not gone through what we did in order to become her parents (meaning it sure would have been nice to get pregnant on the first try (or even the 2nd try), have a healthy full-term pregnancy, have a no-complications delivery and voila - live happily ever after as we are now.  For sure, that would have been my first choice but not because of there being a biological child aspect - just because that would have been easier, less risky, less expensive (I hate to say that but hey, if I'm honest - it would have been nice to be able to hold on to the adoption fund and apply it toward Kayleigh's college fund - but unexpected expenses come up in our lives and I'm sure people who have experienced lay-offs recently and have spent their retirement fund on just making ends meet because it took them a year or more to find a job would say they would have rather had their retirement fund for retirement, not for "now" - but you just never know what will come up in your life - and certain things certainly take priority), and less painful.  I have such a hard time knowing that in order for us to be so happy and to have so much (i.e. Kayleigh), there is someone else out there who lost so much and will feel the loss for the rest of her life.  So - call it what you will, 2nd choice, whatever, I think it's totally okay to have not set out in life saying, "I want to adopt a baby" but adopt a baby/child after all.  In fact, I always get a weird/uneasy feeling when someone says, "I always wanted to adopt a baby" - I kind of wonder about their motive.

[Guest momatheart]

Lisa your experience sounds much like ours.

I was also ready to begin the adoption process before my husband was ready.  I basically wanted to be a mom right then and there and he wanted it too but not with the same urgency as me (adopted or biological).  My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 19 and we were married 4 years later when I turned 21.  We had an unplanned pregnancy the first year we were married and miscarried at 3 months.  It was very devastating for us but we felt ok we are young and when we are really ready financially and had a home and things like that we would try again.  Well we waited until I was about 29 and started to try to get pregnant again and to our surprise a year later nothing happened.  Long story short we went through 7 years of fertility treatments (including 2 IVFs) and nothing worked.  Through most of the fertility process I was always thinking we should stop and look into adoption but I though ok my work was paying for some of it so I might as well try again.  After the 1st IVF I was done I couldn't go through it anymore.  We talked about adoption and Mark wanted that also but wanted to try IVF one more time since my job would pay for most of it but after that they wouldn't pay any more tries.  It wasn't that my husband was against adoption he just worried that we would go through more pain and dissapointment in the process.  He felt helpless through the fertility treatments.  

All along I was reading about adoption and searching the internet and getting all kinds of information from agencies in the area.  I would print things out and have Mark read things so he could get educated along with me so we were both on the same track.  Nothing looked like it was right for us and we looked into international adoption and we were almost going to go that route when we got some information about open adoption and a wonderful person who had adopted from the agency was willing to talk to us and just answer our questions and help educate us about open adoption (weadoptedthree was that wonderful person).  

Once we looked into Abrazo things just went along as it was meant to be.  I asked Mark if he was ready to seriously move forward and he said he was as excited as I was.  I didn't want to pursue adoption if he wasn't ready because I didn't want to bring a child into our lives (adopted or biological) if there were issue and the child would not be accepted unconditionally.  Well 1 year from our orientation we have our beautiful daughter and I have to pry her from him he just adores her more than I think he ever thought possible.  I look at them together and how she lights up when he talks or plays with her and my heart just overflows.  We all couldn't be happier and we know without a doubt in our minds that we were meant to be a family and we wouldn't change one thing about how we came together.  We are so glad that we chose open adoption because having Madelyn's birthmom in our family is wonderful and I hope it eases her pain a little knowing she will have Madelyn in her life.  I can't imagine the pain she goes through everyday but we try to let her know we are there for her.

I may have strayed from the issue but basically I wanted to be a mother way before my husband was ready to be a father and for the best interest of the child I held off until I knew he was ready.  Now he says what did we wait so long for and we both realize we had to be delayed or we wouldn't have our precious daughter.

[momatheart]

I forgot to log in when I added my previous post so it had me as unregistered and didn't list who we were.  Sorry.

[ElizabethAnn]

Tabloids have recently reported that Guy and Madonna Ritchie are not "on the same page" with regards to Madonna's well-publicized assertions that the couple will soon adopt another child from Africa, and that this is causing some friction in the Ritchie marriage..

While certainly the Ritchie's marital issues are no one's business, but their own, it is certainly not unusual for couples to struggle with differing motivations and timing regarding adoption decisions.

Here's a chance for our "been there, survived that!" crowd to weigh in with their own experiences. Anybody out there have some good advice to give the Ritchies (and others) about how to deal with your differences, when one spouse is rarin' to go and the other is still saying "whoa!..."?

[MarkLaurie]

Mark and I were on the same page as far as our desire to adopt; however, due to some differences in our personalities there were some hurdles to overcome in getting the process started. I am very much a "make a decision, find out what to do, and do it now" person while Mark is a "laid back, let things just happen whenever they happen" person. It required me to really spend time making sure I was communicating the information I was finding out about adoption with him and letting him give me his feedback. I had to battle not becoming too "manipulative" in trying to hurry things along (I remember "throwing a few fits"). I tried to avoid doing this by finding out as much information as I could to share with him and communicating my expectations as far as timelines and what our next step would be if he agreed. And sometimes I would just have to sit on my hands and zip my mouth and pray. It worked out as it usually does and looking back it didn't take as long as felt at the time.