MotherGoose Posted June 20, 2002 Report Share Posted June 20, 2002 We know some friends who want to adopt. They are worried that some personal information may hurt their chances. We never had this problem so don't know what to tell them/. What do other people do about this? (We are posting this for them since they are using another agency in another state.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny N Posted June 22, 2002 Report Share Posted June 22, 2002 I think honesty is the best policy. They will want the truth from the agency and the birth families. Better to get it out on the table now, rather than it coming up to bite you back later. I hope for the best with your friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jada Posted June 24, 2002 Report Share Posted June 24, 2002 I also believe honesty is the best way to go. After all if you aren't honest about it what does that say about the type of person you are? Better for it to come out now and maybe have the chance to explain than for it to come out later and hurt many people in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garden of Hope Posted September 8, 2002 Report Share Posted September 8, 2002 I also believe in full disclosure. Treat others as you would want to be treated. I do not believe that it will hinder their chances, rather insure that they are chosen by the birthparents that want them as they are, "warts" and all. (We all have them, you know! ) I would advise them not to withold information that the agency and birthparents have a right to know. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birthmommy Posted April 30, 2003 Report Share Posted April 30, 2003 I as a BP also believe honesty is the best policy. My AP's were all very forthcoming about the "blotches" in their past. But you know I am not on to judge on the past, we all have these "problems" of the past (at least most of us do) I think even my perfect little sister has done something she isn't proud of in the past. So yes TELL THEM!! Be honest. God has a plan. and the right baby will find your friends. God Bless and Prayers, Angel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stork Central Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 This week, Abrazo had to deal with a very sad situation in which a couple who'd recently joined our program had to make the decision to withdraw because of some painful personal information they did not disclose to their homestudy worker, that resulted in her revocation of their homestudy, once discovered. For whatever reasons the information was withheld, it prevented the homestudy worker from being able to make an informed assessment of the couple's readiness for adoption, resulting in enormous trust issues and disappointment all around. It also made some good people look less than truthful. It serves as a huge reminder of the importance of being honest and forthcoming with all needed information, however private one may be. The adoption process may seem very invasive (on both sides, to birthparents and adopting parents) and sharing one's most personal data with multiple parties is surely intimidating. However, it is imperative that this occur, so as to build a basis for trust between clients and professionals, in order to ensure that the best interests of children are being safeguarded at all times, in every step taken on their behalf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarceloandClaudia Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 This week, Abrazo had to deal with a very sad situation in which a couple who'd recently joined our program had to make the decision to withdraw because of some painful personal information they did not disclose to their homestudy worker, that resulted in her revocation of their homestudy, once discovered. For whatever reasons the information was withheld, it prevented the homestudy worker from being able to make an informed assessment of the couple's readiness for adoption, resulting in enormous trust issues and disappointment all around. It also made some good people look less than truthful. It serves as a huge reminder of the importance of being honest and forthcoming with all needed information, however private one may be. The adoption process may seem very invasive (on both sides, to birthparents and adopting parents) and sharing one's most personal data with multiple parties is surely intimidating. However, it is imperative that this occur, so as to build a basis for trust between clients and professionals, in order to ensure that the best interests of children are being safeguarded at all times, in every step taken on their behalf. I don't know what to say except I feel for the couple and sorry they felt they needed to withhold this information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 This week, Abrazo had to deal with a very sad situation in which a couple who'd recently joined our program had to make the decision to withdraw because of some painful personal information they did not disclose to their homestudy worker, that resulted in the revocation of their homestudy, once discovered. For whatever reasons the information was withheld, it prevented the homestudy worker from being able to make an informed assessment of the couple's readiness for adoption, resulting in enormous trust issues and disappointment all around. It also made some good people look less than truthful. It serves as a huge reminder of the importance of being honest and forthcoming with all needed information, however private one may be. The adoption process may seem very invasive (on both sides, to birthparents and adopting parents) and sharing one's most personal data with multiple parties is surely intimidating. However, it is imperative that this occur, so as to build a basis for trust between clients and professionals, in order to ensure that the best interests of children are being safeguarded at all times, in every step taken on their behalf. I am sorry to hear this and my prayers are with all the individuals involved in this. I am sure this must a rough time for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheEnglishes Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 I, too, am sorry to hear this. I know they must be having a really rough time right now. I wish them peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marthaj Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 I used to be very embarrassed to disclose that I had 2 failed marriages. The first was a college fling, primarily fueled by rampant hormones, and our marriage was over in less than a year. The second one was in my mid-20's...a rebound marriage on his part and extreme loneliness on my part. That marriage lasted 5 years but included an affair on his part, then his moving out for several months and finally ended when he got another girl pregnant. The last I heard, he was divorced from her and on marriage #4. Jeff and I recently celebrated 16 years of marriage, and I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed about my earlier relationships. I no longer let them define me. They were simply poor choices on my part. My marriages may have "failed," but I am not a failure. However, for many years I believed I was because that is what society led me to believe. When we started our adoption journey, Jeff and I had only been married 5 years and I was very sensitive about telling anyone about my previous marriages. Another adoption agency that we had applied to even turned us down, because they judged me as "unstable." (That was not the reason they gave in writing, but told me that when I telephoned them and pressed them further for an explanation.) So, when we applied to Abrazo, I was very hesitant to have to reveal that information, but figured out they would find out anyway because of all my different last names. So, I took a deep breath and filled out the form honestly. I am so glad I did. I will keep this couple in my thoughts and prayers. I pray they will find peace and healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarceloandClaudia Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Martha, Thanks for being so open when you don't have to be. Your experience can help others realize that here there is nothing to be ashamed of. We ALL have fallen short of our own expectations, but that doesn't mean you can't try to make it right. There are things I have done that I am not so proud of and think O.K., I learned from that one and you just move forward. I hope this couple can do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiK Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Here's wishing peaceful hearts to all involved...and prayers for the couple as they move forward. Martha - My best friend was married twice before her 21st birthday( 1st the day after high school and then later to her 1st husband best freind), and then lastly in her late 30's to her soulmate and best friend. She always held her head high...but it was sometimes hard to explain. She always said she married the men that other girls would have just Dated... Anyway...sometimes is just as hard to explain why I have never been married...and feel the need to review my past relationship history...as if I should explain it all and why I didn't get married to this one and that one...blah blah... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeddyRae Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 My heart goes out to this family too! I think that the home study process although it is a great process does hurt and is very invasive. Ours was different, we came from broken families and you would not think that that would matter, but it sure did with our Social Worker. She made both of us go and see a counselor to make sure that our parents issue of broken marriage would not affect us. Strange, because we both went through counseling when the divorces occured, went through it before marriage, and even with failed fertility. I would have never though we had to go through it to make sure we didn't have the same problems like our parents. Craig and I did kick ourselves after our first visit with the SW - we said that is the last time we share stuff like that again. I guess it does matter, even if you have been married for 10 + years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 I, too, feel for the family that was not completely forthcoming with needed information. At the same time, birthparents and adoption professionals have the right to know honest answers to needed information. Just as I expected our birthparents to be completely honest/forthcoming...I know they needed the same of us. We have personally experienced being on the receiving end of this type of situation. Being told half truths or having certain information completely omitted creates trust issues between adoptive parents and birth parents. This adds unneeded confusion to the adoption triad. The truth shall set you free... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethAnn Posted November 7, 2007 Report Share Posted November 7, 2007 Just thought this might be a useful resource for any prospective adoptive parents who were themselves victims of childhood sexual abuse: For Survivors Hoping to Adopt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stork Central Posted May 13, 2008 Report Share Posted May 13, 2008 It seems crazy to have to post something like this, but a recent incident involving a past orientation necessitates this reminder: Applicants must be honest with our agency when filling out their inquiry and application paperwork. Those who gain entrance into our programs on the strength of false, inaccurate or incomplete information (whether it's related to personal history or whether they misrepresent what types of children they are open to, in order to get into an orientation weekend) run the risk of being expelled from the program once the truth is discovered, losing all fees paid in the process. We strive to be very forthright with folks; please give us the same courtesy! We work very hard to increase the odds that the folks we're admitting into our programs will succeed here, but our aim is only as accurate as the information you provide us! Help us help you... tell the truth, please! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DPJ Posted May 13, 2008 Report Share Posted May 13, 2008 Thank you Elizabeth for keep up all standards with Abrazo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stork Central Posted November 23, 2008 Report Share Posted November 23, 2008 What a mess!! If anyone who's planning to adopt ever needed proof that honesty IS the best policy, here it is: click here. The courts have ruled in the adoptive parents' favor NOT because they were right to deceive, but because there wasn't anything in writing documenting the expectation of the agency and the birthparent/s that couples who got pregnant after representing they were infertile in order to adopt were no longer entitled to proceed with placement. So if it needs to be in writing here that Abrazo does NOT permit those in our full-service adoption program to proceed with placement of newborns intended to go home with infertile people who can never otherwise have children any other way, consider it done! Whatever your feelings about blended families, this birthmother and her agency intended for this child to go home with an infertile couple and got tricked into unwittingly entrusting him to an already-pregnant couple who intentionally withheld the information for personal gain-- and the little boy involved surely deserved better! Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. Abrazo has also had several families intentionally withhold pregnancy news in order to achieve placement or finalization. We just haven't taken it to court. (Yet.) Don't go there-- if you are in our adoption process and find yourselves unexpectedly pregnant, you MUST disclose this information to Abrazo immediately, and yes, you will need to withdraw from our program. We'll join you in celebrating your good news! but please, don't force our agency or our birthparents to hedge your bets by concealing your miracle in order to seize someone else's. 'Nuff said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suziandben Posted November 23, 2008 Report Share Posted November 23, 2008 I have to say that this policy is one of the reasons we chose Abrazo. Thanks for not being shy or backing down about this policy Elizabeth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnag Posted November 23, 2008 Report Share Posted November 23, 2008 Those people do not deserve that baby. That is terrible to keep moving that child. He was three months old and does not remember the adoptive family. He has bonded with his family and should be left in the home he knows. This child is going to have trust issues if the court moves him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRACEB Posted November 23, 2008 Report Share Posted November 23, 2008 I agree with Suzi, accepting infertility couples is one of many reasons we chose Abrazo. And I also agree with Donna. This poor baby is being tossed from one family to another. The bonding issues have to be hard for this little angel. Prayers for this baby and his family. Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethAnn Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 An update on the contested adoption in Nebraska: Adoption Agency Asks High Court to Reconsider Order to Return Child to Adopters Who Concealed Pregnancy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethAnn Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 And the latest news in that sad case: How Is This Best For this Child?! I have to commend the Nebraska Children's Home for standing up for what they believe is right in this case, even though it has surely cost them in both legal fees and publicity. Let this stand as a reminder to all: that there is nothing to be gained by misrepresenting one's fertility status in order to get what you want at any cost, because ultimately, it's not fair for a child to have to pay that price in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethAnn Posted January 15, 2009 Report Share Posted January 15, 2009 In a stunning end to a very drawn-out dispute, one week after the birthmother returned her child to the would-be adopters under court order and the Nebraska Supreme Court refused to rehear the case, the Vesely family has elected to return little Morgan to the birthfamily, to be adopted by his birthgrandparents. Read all about it, here. There is no explanation offered by their attorney, other than their stated desire to do what was in the best interest of the child, but both sides have agreed to drop any subsequent lawsuits against each other, and the agency has expressed its regrets that the child's placement became so contentious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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