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Destiny, Divine Intervention Or Wishful Thinking?


ElizabethAnn

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How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires?

That's a question being raised by some in the wake of the Baby Teleah case.

The currently-pending controversy is pitting the rights of a military husband (and admitted agnostic) who never consented to his wife's decision to flee Texas and place their daughter for adoption in Utah, against the alleged spiritual entitlement of a Mormon adoptive couple who have been ordered by the courts to return that child, who is nearly two years old.

Here's a thoughtful blog by another LDS parent, about statements made by Teleah's would-be adoptive parents regarding their conviction that God wants her for their family: [/url]

It's risky business, presuming we know what God intends when it comes to fertility, unplanned pregnancy and adoption. And it's human nature to seek answers and to want what we want for ourselves to be what God wants for us, as well.

Adoptive Families magazine raised the question not long ago: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=363. Even the venerable New York Times recently took on the question of whether adoption is more about destiny or magical thinking? http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/15/adoption-destiny-and-magical-thinking/. Do we look for "signs" that God put our adoption together to assure ourselves of some cosmic seal of approval? Would a loving God wish miscarriage or infertility on us just to make adoptions happen-- and if God is completely in charge, why would God need to go to such lengths at all? Do adopting families only get the children God intended for them (and if so, does that mean disrupted adoptions are sinful?) Or does God allow the element of human liberty and free will to take precedence in adoption planning, loving and watching over us regardless of the results?

Adoptive dad Shaun Groves (http://simplemom.net/six-things-adoption-has-taught-me/) cites a brother-in-law who thoughtfully asks "what if God's will for our lives is found wherever someone's need and our abilities intersect?" (This, however, incites the age-old debate of why those who claim their motivation to adopt is solely child-centered don't just devote the funds they would spend towards adoption to financially enable an expectant mother to parent and not place?)

Yet if destiny/divine intervention is responsible for determining what happens and what doesn't, then does that suggest that it is somehow Fate that certain parents are destined to suffer adoption loss, and if so, how does that fit with the concept of a benevolent Creator, who wants only the best for our lives? http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-adoption-lists-was-it-my-destiny-to-become-a-birthmother/. To what extent should expectant parents seek Heavenly guidance when considering their adoption options and choosing a family, and how can they know if the answers they find are from God or not?

And what does this mean to persons-once-adopted? Certainly there are adoptees who believe that their upbringing and their adoptive families were truly chosen for them by God, and who rightfully see God's loving hand in the open adoption relationships between their respective families.

But what about those who feel called to question the process by which they became part of a family who feels they were divinely entitled to shut out the birthfamily? Here's one adoptee's response (and we warn you, it's not exactly warm and fuzzy: http://landofgazillionadoptees.com/2012/08/16/dear-people-who-believe-placing-children-for-adoption-and-adopting-children-into-your-families-is-destiny-and-a-part-of-gods-plan/... and here's another, rather scathing indictment of the adoption "industry" as a whole: http://neverforgottenisfound.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/gods-will-according-to-the-bible-and-not-according-to-the-christian-adoption-world/. )

I don't have the answers to all the questions raised herein. (Sorry if you were hoping otherwise...) Still, I do think as people of faith, they're questions worth discussing and quandaries worth exploring.

I do believe that God watches over those who place, those who adopt, and those who live with the choices of both. I trust that Abrazo's efforts have been blessed by God, imperfect as we are, and I cling to the age-old wisdom of the Scriptures, in which we are assured that God has left nothing to chance, however limited our vision may be at times?! And I cling to the wisdom of my father, who always assured me that "out of a web of human emotions and events, some of which seem good to us and some of which may not, God IS bringing God's purposes to pass!"

What do YOU think?

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The link for this is sending me to the Recovery Room section of the Abrazo forum.... can you update with the correct link?

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I've been feeling the tug of "is this divine intervention or am I just paying more attention now?" with noticing transracial anglo/AA families in Memphis recently. I am a people-watcher by nature, but I can't help feeling like some type of intervention is occurring that's showing me that we are capable. Part of me thinks I am just more sensitive to it now, but when we went to the zoo last weekend and we saw a dozen Anglo/AA families (on a pretty desolate, chilly day at the zoo), Steven and I were both eventually swapping glances.

All of that aside, I think it gives most of us some peace to think that someone has ordained and blessed our families. I believe strongly that our actions impact our quality of life, so I don't believe that we're just robots enacting a play, so I do think we're given choices... but I don't believe anything is an accident on God's part and I don't believe things come to fruition that are beyond our capabilities. I know it's personal to each of us, but during our first journey, I was certain I was not ready to be the parent of an AA child. This time around, I felt my mind opened to doing more research, talking to strangers, etc... and praying about it, specifically. So whether the child we adopt is "white" or "brown" or "black," or somewhere in-between, I don't think God is going to give us anything we can't handle. And that peace of mind is something that I do, undoubtedly, believe is happening with God's help.

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I so agree with Melissa that God is in adoption. I felt soooooo strongly there was a brother for Collin that he would come in January. He was born Dec 31st so I was off by one day but he came! We too were not open to all races with our first adoption but felt very compelled to be open to all with our second adoption. i was convinced this meant that baby 2 would be AA. In the end our family of 4 is still 100% Caucasian despite those tugs to be "open". My only answer looking back is that we were growing and our hearts were open and that owning that was a good thing for us. My brother in law this summer married a gal who is AA and having all those talks with Ben and with our family perhaps helped prepare our family to love Alex unreservably (both our families were 100% caucasian until now). I also think that perhaps the message was that Ben and I needed to be open to something unexpected. I watched little Miss Sloan and her family 4 years ago and thought to myself thank goodness we didn't have a premie because there IS NO WAY we can do it. Then Parker was a premie and I spent a few weeks in panic mode not about him but about how am i going to do this with a 13 month old who can't go in the nicu and a baby who can't leave nicu. In the end things fell in place beautifully. I should have realized sooner this was the unexpected outcome our hearts were prepared to be open to.

Regarding the story Elizabeth posted about a Utah family. I struggle when news stories specifically identify someone as LDS... like what kind of judgement are you asking me to make about this family before I even start the article? Why do they specifically note this family is an LDS family instead of just saying they are christian? If the family were catholic or Baptist would the article have specifically mentioned their religion? Anyway I'll get off my soapbox and say that I don't know this story of this adoption. It sounds like everyone knew that the husband/father was being deceived and did everything they could to support that deceit including violating the law? I agree with the blog Elizabeth linked to that perhaps coincidence in timing made this family feel this baby was a confirmation of their impressions. Maybe there was a reason that this was the match for their family... that doesn't mean they should be violating the law.. including retaining the child unlawfully. The blog poster nails it on the head when she quotes one of our articles of faith which says:

"We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law."

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read this topic thread when it was first posted, but really needed to sit with it before responding. This is a topic I struggle with, "Divine planning". Although I see beautiful swaths of what I call God's plan in my own life, I wonder about the lives of others. Why would God put Drake's birthmother through the pain of being separated from her child, and why would Divine Love put Drake through the separation of his first family and the pain that will cause him. Although i am eternally grateful to have him in my life, it seems like a heavy price for others to pay, for me to have my life's greatest joy. As we begin the adoption process again, I am still cognizant of the sacrifice of others, and feel almost an embarassment of riches. But I will continue to pray about it, and do the best I can to honor the sacrifices my little boy and his firstMamma made and continue to make. I may not be able to see the big picture all of the time, but I keep the faith. I wish I had more answers, but thanks for posing these questions.

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I read this topic thread when it was first posted, but really needed to sit with it before responding. This is a topic I struggle with, "Divine planning". Although I see beautiful swaths of what I call God's plan in my own life, I wonder about the lives of others. Why would God put Drake's birthmother through the pain of being separated from her child, and why would Divine Love put Drake through the separation of his first family and the pain that will cause him. Although i am eternally grateful to have him in my life, it seems like a heavy price for others to pay, for me to have my life's greatest joy. As we begin the adoption process again, I am still cognizant of the sacrifice of others, and feel almost an embarassment of riches. But I will continue to pray about it, and do the best I can to honor the sacrifices my little boy and his firstMamma made and continue to make. I may not be able to see the big picture all of the time, but I keep the faith. I wish I had more answers, but thanks for posing these questions.

Jen,

Your post is lovely. I could not agree more.

Kevin and I went to a benefit for a charity we support in the Houston area last night. Listening to some of the testimonials made me realize that God, really truly is everywhere. We just might not realize it at the time. I was in awe listening to Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, speak of their journey in faith.

I struggle with my faith at times. I think most people do. As my younger sister is battling infertility, I have to believe that there will be a answer to her and her husband's prayers. Whether it is through adoption, IUI or IVF.

I was asking Kevin why she is having to go through what we went through and he said he does not know, but who are we to question.

He said her road might have some twists and turns but the road her and her husband are on is worth traveling.

We were placed with Alexander almost 16 months ago and I can honestly say there is not a day goes by that I do not think about M-I and the love she has for Alexander. We hope to hear from her again one day. She is missed.

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I read this topic thread when it was first posted, but really needed to sit with it before responding. This is a topic I struggle with, "Divine planning". Although I see beautiful swaths of what I call God's plan in my own life, I wonder about the lives of others. Why would God put Drake's birthmother through the pain of being separated from her child, and why would Divine Love put Drake through the separation of his first family and the pain that will cause him. Although i am eternally grateful to have him in my life, it seems like a heavy price for others to pay, for me to have my life's greatest joy. As we begin the adoption process again, I am still cognizant of the sacrifice of others, and feel almost an embarassment of riches. But I will continue to pray about it, and do the best I can to honor the sacrifices my little boy and his firstMamma made and continue to make. I may not be able to see the big picture all of the time, but I keep the faith. I wish I had more answers, but thanks for posing these questions.

Jen,

Your post is lovely. I could not agree more.

Kevin and I went to a benefit for a charity we support in the Houston area last night. Listening to some of the testimonials made me realize that God, really truly is everywhere. We just might not realize it at the time. I was in awe listening to Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, speak of their journey in faith.

I struggle with my faith at times. I think most people do. As my younger sister is battling infertility, I have to believe that there will be a answer to her and her husband's prayers. Whether it is through adoption, IUI or IVF.

I was asking Kevin why she is having to go through what we went through and he said he does not know, but who are we to question.

He said her road might have some twists and turns but the road her and her husband are on is worth traveling.

We were placed with Alexander almost 16 months ago and I can honestly say there is not a day goes by that I do not think about M-I and the love she has for Alexander. We hope to hear from her again one day. She is missed.

Leah,

My younger sister also faced infertility, and I thought it was so unfair at the time. She is younger but married and began trying to start her family before me. My husband and I were led to pursue adoption before her and her husband, but as a result, their hearts were opened to adoption too. Now we both have two precious kids each! And we have a very strong bond through our shared infertility. I can definitely see God's hand in all of it.

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Susan,

Thank you for sharing. I'm 12 years older than my sister, so I'm very protective of her. She was my shadow growing up and I love her so, so much. Her and her husband have been married for 3 years and love one another dearly.

They were so supportive of our journey to Alexander and I know that their hearts are very open to adoption. I think because they officially received their diagnosis of unexplained infertiliy last week, they are at a loss. They are only 27.

That is wonderful about y'all both being families of 4! I hope you don't mind if I share this story with my sister. I know it will help give her hope.

Leah x

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I don't mind at all if you want to share my story with her. She is blessed that you have walked the road before her, although I know it is not something either of you would wish for the other.

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We appreciated the fact that when little Teleah was returned to her father last month, Sergeant Achlane had the grace to acknowledge that the adoptive family had loved her as he does and had done a good job of caring for her. Yet we know that they are now grieving the loss of her, just as he did, and that this child herself is having to endure great changes at a very young age, as well.

Teleah did not "ask" for any of this yet she is surely paying the price for the actions and choices of the adults around her, each of whom thinks they know what would be best for her. How do we help adoptees to find the "mighty hand of God" in all of this? (Or do we?)

Perhaps the best answers are to be found in the book of Job.... Or in the writings of Rabbi Harold Kushner ("When Bad Things Happen to Good People".) The God Who loves each of us truly wants the very best for us. And out of that love, God gives God's people autonomy and free will.

Yet when we find ourselves overwhelmed by challenges not of our choosing, it is God alone Who finds a way to bring redemption and joy out of some of the hardships and unimaginable sorrows that can befall us in this life.

We continue to pray for the healing of little Teleah and all who love her, as they adapt to all the changes that have come about.

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I have been thinking about this thread often. The other point I was struggling with was the question of when a match feels predestined, or blessed through signs. In our failed placement, MammaJ, her sister and her mother and I were all on the phone at the same time, and her brother commented on how similar our voices all are to each other. We laughed, but I think we all felt it was a sign. Then we discovered that my grandfather was from the same city in Mexico as MammaJ's grandparents. Another sign. Then that I have a great aunt named Carolina that goes by Mary, which is the same as MammaJ's mother. Big sign. When the placement failed, I questioned my judgement, and then I questioned why these people had been introduced into our lives. Of course, everything came together for us, and the right child found us, but I wonder if I will be looking for signs when we speak to expectant birth parents this time around.

These are things I think about as we begin this new journey.

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I have been thinking about this thread often. The other point I was struggling with was the question of when a match feels predestined, or blessed through signs. In our failed placement, MammaJ, her sister and her mother and I were all on the phone at the same time, and her brother commented on how similar our voices all are to each other. We laughed, but I think we all felt it was a sign. Then we discovered that my grandfather was from the same city in Mexico as MammaJ's grandparents. Another sign. Then that I have a great aunt named Carolina that goes by Mary, which is the same as MammaJ's mother. Big sign. When the placement failed, I questioned my judgement, and then I questioned why these people had been introduced into our lives. Of course, everything came together for us, and the right child found us, but I wonder if I will be looking for signs when we speak to expectant birth parents this time around.

These are things I think about as we begin this new journey.

My mom and I were just talking about this yesterday. :) With our failed match, we felt like there were so many signs. My parents had to live in Austin for a job for one year and just after they moved there, we matched with J, who lived in Austin (what are the chances in the big 'ol state of TX and considering none of us had even been to TX before), J's name had the name "Lynn" in it, which is my grandmother's name, who passed just before I was born. When I was in Atlanta just before we officially matched, I was helping my sister take care of a cat (on behalf of my teenage niece who skipped out on the job) and when we walked into the home, a radio was on and it was playing Dolly Parton's "Jolene," which was very close to the birthmama's name. The birthmama and I took a photo together once and side by side, we looked eerily like sisters. Her due date was only a couple of days off from my grandmother Lynn's, who had passed... I felt like my grandmother was in every stitch of the adoption plan. And of course, the match fell through, and those "coincidences" turned out to be just that. Except now I like to think it was my grandma telling me to hold on through that difficult match because we were placed on pause for exactly the right amount of time so that we were available for Oliver. ;) I still like to think God and our loved ones are in the details, but maybe not in the most obvious of ways?

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I just got back from our Women's Church Retreat in MoRanch in Hunt, TX. The speaker kept saying throughout the weekend the following:

GOD'S WILL

GOD'S WAY

GOD'S TIMING

For me personality, God's hand of providence was all over our match with Shauna. But with our failed private adoption, well, that one still takes my breathe away. I may never understand His Will in that one. But, He is in control of the ultimate details of my life and I have to believe, He has a greater YES!

Thank you all for sharing your heart on this topic!

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It's not a question for me that God was in our failed matches and our son's arrivals in our family. Just 2 days before (talk about coincidence) one of our biggest adoption heart breaks, I was at my sisters house. She pointed out to me that God uses ALL that is in our life for our good. She and her husband had started a business and she had so much faith that even if the business failed - it would still be an experience for their good and that they would learn from the experience. She encouraged me that even if the adoption plan did not result in placement, we were in that match for a reason. God would use the experience for our good.

Wow was she right. 2 days later L was born, K chose to parent. If she had chosen to place with us I would have been stuck in the job I was in at the time. I would not have been able to get out. Because God placed that match in our path, and because it failed, we found abrazo 2 months later, I quit that very toxic job 5 months later and one year later I was exactly where I wanted to be... a mom, staying at home with my baby.

Perhaps it's harder in others journeys to see such an obvious connection between a failed match and good things happening later. Perhaps you look at your journey and think no I think we could have skipped that failed match and not lost anything in our journey. I think that starts to assume that we know everything that could have been... what if that failed match were erased from your journey... would you have then had a different match that resulted in a different child? Or perhaps you would have not matched at all during that time and found yourself questioning your family's appeal to expectant parents or whether you'd ever be chosen. Perhaps you may never know the exact reason why and that is when faith kicks in - to be able to say I trust there was a purpose. I know everyone's personal feelings and religious convications are different. I don't ask you to believe the same as me. As we're all sharing and pondering I am just sharing my feelings that God is mindful of our families individually and uses every life experience for our good in one way or another.

I don't believe he creates "bad" or "pain" (infertilty, failed adoptions, unplanned pregnancies, etc) but I do think he uses everything for our good. I am sure God had an inkling that K would parent and I'm sure he knew that it would be a very painful bump in our journey but I also think he knew how we would react to that heart break and the blessings that would come as a result. Perhaps he could have prompted Ben and I to not match with K and spare us of the heart break but then we would have missed out on the blessings/learnings as well. When I look at it that way I realize God doesn't want what is easiest or least painful for me, he wants what will be best for me.

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I read this today and wanted to share.

Read | Psalm 25:20-21

What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you’ve wondered this at some point. As creatures stuck within time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating.

We must realize that God doesn’t see us simply in the here and now; He perceives the big picture all at once—where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. He knows exactly how every little decision, action, or blessing will impact our lives.

Do you think God wants to bring some- thing into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows that what may be a tremendous blessing for you later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, though the Lord hears your prayer, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.

Learning to wait on God demands at least three things of us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He says “Wait.” Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Yes. Then we should trust Him. Third, we must be obedient to Him. If we try to make something happen on our own after God tells us to wait, then we’re heading for disaster. The Lord blesses obedience—even obedient waiting.

God doesn’t operate in a vacuum; He works within His relationship with you, on the basis of His omniscience, omnipotence, and love. Never forget He’s actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to prayer. It doesn’t mean He’s not there; it means He’s looking out for you even more.

Copyright 2013 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.

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Perhaps you may never know the exact reason why and that is when faith kicks in - to be able to say I trust there was a purpose. I know everyone's personal feelings and religious convications are different. I don't ask you to believe the same as me. As we're all sharing and pondering I am just sharing my feelings that God is mindful of our families individually and uses every life experience for our good in one way or another.

I don't believe he creates "bad" or "pain" (infertilty, failed adoptions, unplanned pregnancies, etc) but I do think he uses everything for our good.

I couldn't agree more!

I read this today and wanted to share.

Read | Psalm 25:20-21

What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you've wondered this at some point. As creatures stuck within time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating.

We must realize that God doesn't see us simply in the here and now; He perceives the big picture all at once—where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. He knows exactly how every little decision, action, or blessing will impact our lives.

Do you think God wants to bring some- thing into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows that what may be a tremendous blessing for you later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, though the Lord hears your prayer, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.

Learning to wait on God demands at least three things of us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He says "Wait." Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Yes. Then we should trust Him. Third, we must be obedient to Him. If we try to make something happen on our own after God tells us to wait, then we're heading for disaster. The Lord blesses obedience—even obedient waiting.

God doesn't operate in a vacuum; He works within His relationship with you, on the basis of His omniscience, omnipotence, and love. Never forget He's actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to prayer. It doesn't mean He's not there; it means He's looking out for you even more.

Copyright 2013 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.

Great insight. Thanks for sharing!

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How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires?

That's a question being raised by some in the wake of the Baby Teleah case.

The currently-pending controversy is pitting the rights of a military husband (and admitted agnostic) who never consented to his wife's decision to flee Texas and place their daughter for adoption in Utah, against the alleged spiritual entitlement of a Mormon adoptive couple who have been ordered by the courts to return that child, who is nearly two years old.

Here's a thoughtful blog by another LDS parent, about statements made by Teleah's would-be adoptive parents regarding their conviction that God wants her for their family:

It's risky business, presuming we know what God intends when it comes to fertility, unplanned pregnancy and adoption. And it's human nature to seek answers and to want what we want for ourselves to be what God wants for us, as well.

Adoptive Families magazine raised the question not long ago: http://www.adoptivef...les.php?aid=363. Even the venerable New York Times recently took on the question of whether adoption is more about destiny or magical thinking? http://parenting.blo...gical-thinking/. Do we look for "signs" that God put our adoption together to assure ourselves of some cosmic seal of approval? Would a loving God wish miscarriage or infertility on us just to make adoptions happen-- and if God is completely in charge, why would God need to go to such lengths at all? Do adopting families only get the children God intended for them (and if so, does that mean disrupted adoptions are sinful?) Or does God allow the element of human liberty and free will to take precedence in adoption planning, loving and watching over us regardless of the results?

Adoptive dad Shaun Groves (http://simplemom.net...-has-taught-me/) cites a brother-in-law who thoughtfully asks "what if God's will for our lives is found wherever someone's need and our abilities intersect?" (This, however, incites the age-old debate of why those who claim their motivation to adopt is solely child-centered don't just devote the funds they would spend towards adoption to financially enable an expectant mother to parent and not place?)

Yet if destiny/divine intervention is responsible for determining what happens and what doesn't, then does that suggest that it is somehow Fate that certain parents are destined to suffer adoption loss, and if so, how does that fit with the concept of a benevolent Creator, who wants only the best for our lives? http://www.adoptionb...-a-birthmother/. To what extent should expectant parents seek Heavenly guidance when considering their adoption options and choosing a family, and how can they know if the answers they find are from God or not?

And what does this mean to persons-once-adopted? Certainly there are adoptees who believe that their upbringing and their adoptive families were truly chosen for them by God, and who rightfully see God's loving hand in the open adoption relationships between their respective families.

But what about those who feel called to question the process by which they became part of a family who feels they were divinely entitled to shut out the birthfamily? Here's one adoptee's response (and we warn you, it's not exactly warm and fuzzy: http://landofgazilli...t-of-gods-plan/... and here's another, rather scathing indictment of the adoption "industry" as a whole: http://neverforgotte...adoption-world/. )

I don't have the answers to all the questions raised herein. (Sorry if you were hoping otherwise...) Still, I do think as people of faith, they're questions worth discussing and quandaries worth exploring.

I do believe that God watches over those who place, those who adopt, and those who live with the choices of both. I trust that Abrazo's efforts have been blessed by God, imperfect as we are, and I cling to the age-old wisdom of the Scriptures, in which we are assured that God has left nothing to chance, however limited our vision may be at times?! And I cling to the wisdom of my father, who always assured me that "out of a web of human emotions and events, some of which seem good to us and some of which may not, God IS bringing God's purposes to pass!"

What do YOU think?

I've been thinking about this post a lot, which is good, I think! I definitely don't have all the answers either.

I will be honest, in our first adoption it all seemed rather simple. Simplified because we did not meet Luke's birthmother. We did not witness her pain. We did not hear her cry. We did not see the love and raw emotion. I have no doubt it was there, but we didn't see it and she and her husband did not choose to meet us. We simply went to the hospital, our arms were filled with an incredible baby boy and we came home. Yes, I cried for her, and not a single day goes by that I do not think of L and feel an outpouring of gratitude for entrusting us with that tiny bundle that is now almost 3. But I don't have anything concrete. I don't know her. I don't know where she is today. I think of conversations in my mind of what I want to say, but I haven't had that chance. I don't know if she is at peace with her decision, or if she regrets it. I'm not sure I'll ever know even though I hope one day to meet.

With our second, I feel that Elizabeth's question came into play more in the forefront: "How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires?" We definitely knew we wanted to adopt again. We were preparing for orientation. I can honestly say (after MUCH soul searching of our motives) that we never once believed that we were entitled to another woman's baby or that we deserved a child. It always got under my skin when people told us we "deserved" a baby after all we had been through. We didn't deserve a baby. We don't deserve anything, but we are truly grateful for our blessings. We truly believe that in a perfect world there would be no need for adoption. But our world is so broken, life is hard, choices are hard and I do believe that adoption does solve a need when a woman is pregnant and not able to parent. We felt that we would start the process again and you know that we did have an opportunity much sooner than we had expected. I can say that getting to know M and knowing she was a capable parent of two made it much harder. We did match, taking her word and reasons that this was what she believed was best for A given the present circumstances. We prayed a lot about this match during the week. Rudy and I talked about how we needed to go down, be present for her and just be prepared for whatever would happen. I don't think either of us were convinced that she would place, but we did feel it was right to go and just be available. I know that we told her if her plans changed that we were ok with that and just to let us know. Did we want to adopt him? Of course! But we truly wanted it to be right. I remember praying over and over for God's will to be done, and for her to have the wisdom to make the best decision. I honestly didn't know what that was before the fact. She was firm in her conviction that this was best at the time. That is one reason we tried so hard to give her time alone with her family and that she would not feel pressured by us in any way, shape or form. I am sure we made mistakes but that truly was our heart and I felt God helped us while we were there. You know the rest of the story that she did place and it was agonizing. After later knowing how she felt about the decision after months went by, I felt my heart crumble. I did have doubts about whether God was truly in it. Now with some clarity, time and conversations we've had together, we have both agreed that our meeting and the adoption could not have just happened by chance and that God does have a purpose in it. I don't think that God "made" M relinquish to hurt her and cause her harm, but I believe from the bottom of my heart that He will use this experience in all of our lives to stretch us and make us more into who He wants us to be. I think that trials are given for our growing, and also so that we look forward more to heaven! If earth was so perfect, we'd not want to go to a better place.

One thing I think of often is that we just see a glimpse right now, while God sees the bigger picture. He knows A's life from beginning to end, where we just know up until this point. Maybe all the reasons for him being placed in our family aren't even known yet. We don't even know what the next minute or hour will bring.

I will add (going back to Elizabeth's original post) that I do not think we can do anything with adoption outside the law or using wrong tactics and cover that with "God told me to" or "God wants this child for my family" or anything like that. I think that is just a plain, rotten excuse for bad behavior. I don't know what that family in Utah was told or why they fought the biological father so long, but I do think we have to be careful not to excuse our own behavior.

As far as signs, I think maybe it is better to think back on those rather than using them to confirm a decision. One neat thing about our adoption with Luke is that my birthday is March 9, Rudy's the 27th and Luke was born on the 18th - exactly half way between! Looking back that is kind of neat, but had he not been placed with us I don't think I could have looked back and said "it was meant to be and we must adopt him" based on that! When we were talking to M and she asked what sports we liked I mentioned about Rudy liking soccer (ok, being nuts for soccer! :) ) Her older daughter plays and we thought it was cool to have that in common. Did at the time that mean that she should place with us? No, I don't think so. But it still is a common tie that we have and it is nice (and she knows that Andrew will have the chance to play!) So, I guess I think it is fine to look back and see neat things but we need to be careful about using those things as subtle pressure beforehand. Does that even make sense?

I personally feel that for our family we do have an extra responsibility to treat our kid's birth families with love and respect because that is what we see in the Bible and that is what we try to base our lives and actions off of (though imperfectly, of course!). I don't think we could ever (as the example mentioned above) close the adoption due to "divine direction." We see that it is taught to treat others the way we would want to be treated, and I can assure you I would not want an adoption closed if I had placed a child and the adoptive family had promised to keep in touch! So, I don't see how we could do that to another person.

This got really long and hopefully at least some portion made sense! I definitely agree they are hard and good things to think through, but we may never have all the answers.

I really like this quote posted above:

"Yet when we find ourselves overwhelmed by challenges not of our choosing, it is God alone Who finds a way to bring redemption and joy out of some of the hardships and unimaginable sorrows that can befall us in this life. "

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It all makes sense! Thanks for sharing Hannah. I like what you said about looking back and seeing signs, but not using those to confirm a decision.

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  • 1 year later...

I read this today and wanted to share.

Read | Psalm 25:20-21

What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you’ve wondered this at some point. As creatures stuck within time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating.

We must realize that God doesn’t see us simply in the here and now; He perceives the big picture all at once—where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. He knows exactly how every little decision, action, or blessing will impact our lives.

Do you think God wants to bring some- thing into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows that what may be a tremendous blessing for you later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, though the Lord hears your prayer, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.

Learning to wait on God demands at least three things of us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He says “Wait.” Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Yes. Then we should trust Him. Third, we must be obedient to Him. If we try to make something happen on our own after God tells us to wait, then we’re heading for disaster. The Lord blesses obedience—even obedient waiting.

God doesn’t operate in a vacuum; He works within His relationship with you, on the basis of His omniscience, omnipotence, and love. Never forget He’s actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to prayer. It doesn’t mean He’s not there; it means He’s looking out for you even more.

Copyright 2013 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.

Monica,

Thanks for posting this. I've been on the forum most of the day on and off reading posts on certain topics.

I needed to read this today.

Leah x

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