Odd Lives, Parental Wish Lists & Timothy Green

[ElizabethAnn]

So there's this new Disney movie out, and it seems to be one of those films that people either love or hate, no in-between.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV_i2yadQ0M

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I happened across this review today (http://io9.com/59348...-than-it-sounds) and it got me thinking...

On Abrazo's application, one of our essay questions asks prospective adoptive parents with infertility to consider how they have grieved the loss of their "biological dream child" and consider how the child they adopt may differ?

It's a question most folks seem to struggle with, and understandably so.

Having had homegrown children, I don't remember spending much time anticipating how I hoped my children would "be"... perhaps because I just assumed they'd be reasonably intelligent, with dark hair and dark eyes like their dad and I (originally) had. I hoped they'd be well-behaved. I hoped they'd be tidier than their mom. (But that was about it.) I spent a lot more time thinking about how I hoped my marriage would be, and we all know how that turned out!?!

Yet I wonder if parents who adopt (not having the benefit of being able to assume--right or wrong-- that their children will be "pretty much like them") might naturally spend more time wondering how their future kids will be (and maybe sometimes worrying about this, as well)?

I wonder if sometimes they might secretly wish that adopted children could just be grown in a garden according to their own specifications (ala Timothy Green)?

And I wonder if it the longing for biological control is what is giving rise to the numbers of Texas adoption agencies suddenly launching pricey surrogacy programs?

Share your thoughts on this, and if you go see "The Odd Life of Timothy Green", let us know what you think of it, as well!

[TexasFamily]

Elizabeth,

I actually posted in the movie part of the forum about this movie. If anyone was going to go see it.

Kevin and I discussed it the other day. He does not know if he could see it at the cinema, similiar to me, as we both think we would cry a great deal in it.

Last night at church during our movie night at our adoption ministry we watched Meet the Robinsons. We both cried at the end. It was a powerful message about family and it came in the form of a animated movie.

Kevin and I grieved our infertility in different ways. I think because I was the one who could not produce healthy eggs I blamed myself. Kevin blamed himself because of the medical care I received in Scotland. We had to stop blaming ourselves, so we went to couseling seperately and together and in a lot of ways we healed just through a lot of communication.

The other day you mentioned in a thread that adoption does not replace infertility and you are right it does not. Adoption is wonderful but it comes with a lot of responsibilities if it is done correctly. I think more responsibiliity than if you have a biological child but that is just me.

I had wanted to adopt since I was a child. I even asked Kevin on our first date how he felt about adoption. He said he thought it was wonderful, so I knew I had a good one!

I admit that one of the desires for my child was for them to be good at math and to also be tidy. Silly but true. Hence one of the reasons I married a engineer. I struggled so hard with math growing up and of course, God has gotten the last laugh because a majority of my day is spent doing math but I digress.

I think I worry about Alexander like any other parent. I worry about bullies, his first time his heart is broken and if he will struggle in school. I do worry about when he has questions about his biological dad and if M-I or us will be able to answer them.

I am not too sure if surrogacy is popping up because of biological control or just about control period. IVF, Surrogacy and IUI will give you a certain amount of being able to control a situation. You know when you will take your shots/medicine, you know when you will have to go to the doctor, you know what the costs are, you know that at the end of the cycle you will have a answer.

Adoption is a lesson in giving up control and having a lot of faith, hope and love, I think.

Edited August 16, 2012 by TexasFamily

[Steven&Melissa]

Leah, you said everything I wanted to say... just better. I'm glad to read more about your family's struggle with infertility.

I can remember, during the PIW phase, thinking we'd have a Hispanic child with dark hair and dark eyes. That's just always how I pictured my child. This could be, in part, because of the opportunity we had 2 weeks into our journey with Abrazo, with an already-born 17-month-old little Hispanic girl with dark hair and dark eyes. She was, from then forward, how I envisioned my future child. Of course as y'all know, I ended up with a blonde-haired, light brown-eyed BOY! Even though I'd envisioned my child in a different way, it wasn't my expectation. I wasn't let down. I was surprised! But oddly enough, I never thought about how I wished a child to be in terms of traits or abilities. I don't know what that says about me! My only real hope was that we had a child who would be emotionally equipped to handle whatever adoption heartache might come his/her way in life and that they would grow to love us as much as we loved him/her. That's the only ability I really prayed for.

I wouldn't choose to grow a child in my garden (literally nor figuratively!) to my specifications because I think that's part of the excitement with adoption and with the birth of a new life in general. It's also a little bit about what's scary, and maybe moreso for adoptive parents? I can't be sure of that. But I do think that dreaming about the thousands of possibilities of how your child might look - just the sheer unknown of that (before you're matched, especially) - is one of the most exciting parts of the process. Hopefully, in open adoption, you can guess what they might inherit (being good at sports, having rhythm, having a good singing voice, etc) both good AND "bad," but there is never any way of knowing since all people grow up with a mix of nature and nurture. It's such a miracle seeing my son grow into the person he is. I think it makes me even more determined to be the best I can be with the "nurture" role I can play.

I do grieve sometimes not being able to see my husband physically in a child (those kind eyes, especially), but I DO see him when I look at Oliver all the time. Oliver's manorisms and humor are so reflective of Steven. I also grieve not being able to have a child who might have it "easier," not having to feel all of the painful emotions that can come along with once being adopted.

I don't know whether or not we'll go and see the movie. It depends on whether or not I'm feeling brave and can take the emotions that might come from it at the time AND whether or not we can get away to see a movie (it's probably been a year now!)

[KristyK]

It's interesting that you pose this question as when I first saw the trailer to this movie, I thought "hmmmm - funny about the timing of this movie coming out", as Rob and I are PIWs, currently. So seeing the trailer at any other point in our lives would be like seeing any other movie and I'd probably not think twice about it. Being a review-reader who also takes-them-all-with-a-grain-of-salt, I don't think it will be on our list as something we'd want to see. But I'd love to hear, like Elizabeth, what others who have seen it who are on the forum think.

I love what Melissa said above about the excitement surrounding the unknown of who this future child will be through adoption, as there are millions of possibilities. I also can so relate to what she said regarding grieving and not being able to see Rob's physical traits in our future child. But at the same time it's so comforting to read that this is possible in other ways, as he shines through Oliver.

Our hopes encompass the big-ticket things - health, happiness and being a solid family. Our day will come.

[Deb_w]

Our hopes encompass the big-ticket things - health, happiness and being a solid family. Our day will come.

I agree with Kristy... I'm not sure it's a movie I'll see, but the story is an interesting one. The bottom line for us is that we want a healthy child and we want to fill their life with love!

[mwalker]

I did see the movie. I do have to say that it never occured to Bob or to me that you could grow a child to your specifications, either bioligically or through any other means. That did not seem to be the intent of what they did in the movie. I took what they did (writing down and burying the traits that they dreamed their child would have had in a box in their garden... they weren't trying to grow a child to their specifications) as closure to their infertility journey and start on their adoption journey. In fact, that's what they say in the movie, that they are doing it to move on. I did cry, but mainly because it was a sweet movie. It's more about the journey and moving through it. Timothy was on the scene to get them ready. I won't go say anything else because I don't want to spoil it for those who do end up seeing it.

[melissamerritt]

Well said Marjory, I agree. It is a great movie.

[TexasFamily]

Marjory,

Thanks for your overview. I think we have decided to see it now. We are just waiting for it to make it to DVD.

[Monica281]

It really is a good movie.

[TexasFamily]

Monica,

I was hoping to chat with you about it when we actually get to meet up.

Let's shoot for September.

[Monica281]

Monica,

I was hoping to chat with you about it when we actually get to meet up.

Let's shoot for September.

Sounds good!

[Deb_w]

Thanks for the review. Guess I didn't know that much about it before I commented. It does sound like a good movie to see.