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When To Say When?


MotherGoose

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I actually think the adoption has a an extra special feeling to it. There is just something extra to me about finding your baby and knowing you were somehow led there to them. When you see them for the first time and touch them and hug them and they are real, your heart is forever changed. My daughter is the PERFECT fit for us and our family, it's like divine intervention got it right. Perfectly right, adoption is our perfection and normal now.

Jenny

Jenny,

Beautifully said and oh so true!! Your entire post was very touching. Thanks for sharing! And I look forward to following your journey to your next family member.

Susan

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Jenny, thanks for sharing your insights and experience. Your post was very touching.

I also think you are right on when you said:

Sometimes I wonder if people who go to such extreme measures and so many years of treatment lose touch of just being parents. It's hard not to get consumed in the doctors appointments, pills, shots, non-stop ultrasounds, semen samples, semen counts, egg counts, egg sizes, hormone levels that you just lose touch. Your an emotional rollercoaster, it's up and down, your spending obnoxious amounts of money and it just HAS to work. Almost like you start thinking you have to prove something to yourself.

I was thinking about that same thing just recently. A conversation had me thinking back to our fertility treatments and one time when my husband had to travel for a few days during my injections and I had to give them to myself. After about a half hour of reading and rereading the instructions, psyching myself up, etc, I plunged in the needle . . . and then so glad that I had done it, pulled it right back out without waiting the required few seconds and to my absolute horror, as I looked down, there came that medicine right back out. I about lost it. I was SO upset. I could hadly speak to Jim when he called that night, I was a blubbering mess and so emotional and just certain that my mistake was going to cost us yet another cycle. . . Well, we ended our treatments soon after. But just remembering that intense feeling of "this HAS to work" and putting so much into the process, we did lose touch a bit with the why. When we became PIW and were "expecting" it was so different - we could actually think about being PARENTS, not just getting pregnant - which had been our focus for far too long.

And yes, it seems too simple after all that stuff we went through, but it is true - when you put all that mess behind you you can see the happy ending to quest to be parents.

I'm just thinking "ADOPT...you'll be so happy and all your parenting dreams will be here".

But everyone has to reach that conclusion in their own time.

Edited by mbell
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Beautiful post Jenny. Thanks for sharing your heartbreaking experience with us. I look forward to following your journey to expand your family!

I agree with Mary Helen. We all reach that point to end fertility treatments in our own times. Some of us go much further than others, and that's OK. If you stop before your ready you will always wonder "what if..."

Edited by tksimmons02
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We all reach that point to end fertility treatments in our own times. Some of us go much further than others, and that's OK. If you stop before your ready you will always wonder "what if..."

So well said. I couldn't agree more. I know intially when we started our infertility treatment I would have never guessed we would've toughed it out for 9 long years. We'd attend Resolve meetings and listened to couples sharing their stories. Amazed at what others had gone through all the while thinking to ourselves we'll never go that far or that long. Of course we also knew we'd get pregnant. Wrong. Boy, have we grown over the years. I can say that when we stopped we did it without one regret. We knew without a shadow of a doubt we were done. The blessings that have been bestowed on our family since, we could have never imagined.

Jenny thanks for sharing both your painful and happy memories. I too wish your family all the best as you continue to grow your family.

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Jenny,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your strenght and courage is amazing....

you are among freinds here...always

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A conversation had me thinking back to our fertility treatments and one time when my husband had to travel for a few days during my injections and I had to give them to myself. After about a half hour of reading and rereading the instructions, psyching myself up, etc, I plunged in the needle . . . and then so glad that I had done it, pulled it right back out without waiting the required few seconds and to my absolute horror, as I looked down, there came that medicine right back out. I about lost it. I was SO upset. I could hadly speak to Jim when he called that night, I was a blubbering mess and so emotional and just certain that my mistake was going to cost us yet another cycle. . .

Mary Helen, I can totally relate to this little story. I had the same thing happen. I was the biggest needle baby ever. When they wanted me to start injectables to increase our chances, I was so upset I'd need to do these shots and needles, AT HOME BY ME OR MY HUSBAND!!! I remember going to the doctor when I was like 8 and I kept yanking my arm away from the doctor, he said he'd go get me in infant needle. I don't know if he really did or just said that. Meanwhile, my 4 year old sister took hers like a champion. lol We still laugh about that. Anyway, I had to do my HCG shot at 11:00 pm for my IUI coming up and my husband had to go into work and wasn't home. I was so upset and paranoid and this was a harder shot then the normal "pen" ones I was doing. I sat there with my husband on speaker phone and he was keeping me calm. I was sitting there crying cause I just did not want to shove that needle in my thigh. I did it! It went fine, but it was quite a production. When I read your post on that I kind of smiled thinking "oh, I totally relate to that". I didn't have the medicine come back out, but I would have been a blubbering mess and worried sick too if it had!!!! :)

Jenny

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Jenny, I agree with the others in that it's very touching that you shared such an emotional story. Thank you for that. :)

I sure had my share of experience with the needles during our 4 rounds of IVF too, but for me the worst was the IV that they put in your hand when did the egg retrievals!! They make sure you have a completely empty stomach so you're a little dehyrdrated too...go figure they have a hard time finding a vein. haha

Anyway, for me I am at a point now where I can at least say i'm glad that I tried it because it made my husband and I sooooo deeply close and persistent on our pursuit for a family. And now we're diving in full force with adoption and could not be happier about our decision.

I wish you the best in your journey for #2. :)

Nichole

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  • 6 months later...

I wasn't sure where to post this but the $28,000/month made me think 'when to say when' so in case in anyone is interested.....

This Tuesday, 10/9/07, on Oprah:

Lisa Ling Investigates: Wombs for Rent (PG)

How far would you go to have a baby? Meet a woman halfway around the world who's

pregnant with an American couple's baby. Then, why Martha Stewart's daughter spends

almost $28,000 a month trying to make Martha a grandmother.

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I treasure those months dearly that I got to be pregnant with him because it was the only way I knew my son, I have pictures they took at the hospital I can look at but they are sad to me.

I clicked here because it was "new" and read Andrea's post and saw the ones before it relating to my post form March. I just re-read that post and didn't realize I had posted in such depth. This is a very hard week all ready for me and Shawn as this was the week leading up to losing our son.

Jenny

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Jenny, I'm so sorry for the sad anniversary that you and Shawn have coming up over the loss of your beautiful son. Your story was so touching.

As for the original question, to answer the when to say when question as to when it's time to end infertility treatment, it's something you feel in your heart. When your body, heart and soul simply tells you to stop. At least, that's how it happened for me and I've heard that from other friends who did infertility treatments. We did six IUI's and six IVF cycles, one using donor sperm just to see if that helped (it didn't), and one FET cycle using donor embryos. All that got us was two miscarriages and a lot of heartache. So after the last IVF cycle, I was done. But then my doctor offered the option for donor embryos and, since I had the time to spare and the insurance to cover it, I did it on a whim. I ended up pregnant, but miscarried. I was the first patient she'd ever had to lose a pregnancy due to a trisomy from a donor egg from a 21-year-old. The irony didn't escape me.

When I was pregnant the second time, I confessed to a friend that I was worried about losing the pregnancy again. She said that God wouldn't give me more than I could bear. I told her that losing two pregnancies, one with twins, would be all that I could bear and that if it didn't work out, I'd know He meant for us to have a child a different way. We'd already planned on adopting before the donor embryos became available, so we continued on that journey as we'd intended.

The pain has eased over time. Instead of waking up and dreading this day for weeks, I realized just a little while ago that today is actually the two-year anniversary of the day that Joe and I went in for our ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat and we found out that our baby boy had died and that we had to do a D&C immediately that day in order to have the tissue tested before I miscarried on my own. We had lost his twin a couple of weeks earlier, but my body was absorbing that tissue. We had held out such hope that we wouldn't lose this baby, too. However, it wasn't to be. I did dream of him before I knew he had died. It was a very vivid dream where I was holding him in my arms in a hospital and he was wrapped in a blue blanket. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt when I woke that I had dreamt of our baby. Sure enough, the testing revealed that he was a baby boy.

Our second pregnancy was a baby girl. It does hurt more to know the gender, but I feel that knowing more about the babies that died is a way of honoring them and their memory. They were real and they are now our angels.

And when it's time to stop, your heart will tell you. It might not tell you loudly, but if you listen, the answer is there. Prayer helps so much, too.

I do feel that all that we went through over these past several years has led us to this point in time for a reason, so that we can parent the child we were meant to be with. I can't wait to find out who the little guy or girl will be, but, then, patience has never been one of my virtues.

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Your stories of loss and heartacche bring tears to my eyes............I can't even imagine what you have gone thru to create your families.

may you all be blessed with the children of your hearts desire

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Our thoughts are with you this week, Jenny. Hang in there.

Thanks for sharing your story as well, Teena. Our lives just unfold before us. Even with all of the heartache, I know I will look back later in life and see the purpose in all of it...I know I already have begun too.

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Jenny hang in there...

Teena, your story brought tears to my eyes

Thank you both for sharing your stories. You where brought here (Abrazo) not only to become parents but to have people all around the US that truly care and understand.

I can't wait to read your stories when you become parents...

Linda

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Jenny and Teena,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories, they both bring up so many memories (for many of us I'm sure). Warm hugs to you both!

I do have a GOOD story along these lines I thought I'd share!

Layna's birthmother and I were talking a while back about this entire process. How it's been right at a year since we met and changed all of our familes' lives forever, etc. etc. We suddenly realized that Layna was concieved at the exact same time as my last IVF!!!! During that time Bart and I (and our families) were just praying for a healthy baby that was meant to be ours. Little did we know that God did have a plan for that baby that we prayed for, I just wouldn't be the one carrying her!!!!!! As we were going through the IVF craziness I of course had already figured out the tentative due date if I were to get PG. Well, I lost all three embryos but guess what! Sweet Layna was born at the exact time I was looking forward to! HE does have a plan and Layna's birthmother and we believe that Layna was concieved for a reason and she was meant to be our child. Romanticizing a bit ...maybe? But it's what we like to believe. :rolleyes:

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Sweet Layna was born at the exact time I was looking forward to! HE does have a plan and Layna's birthmother and we believe that Layna was concieved for a reason and she was meant to be our child. Romanticizing a bit ...maybe? But it's what we like to believe. :rolleyes:

I don't think your romanticizing, even what may seem to be the biggest coincidence I still think are signs of fate and that God knows best. That is really weird though when you think about, it does go to show that the Lord works in mysterious (and good) ways.

We knew before we adopted Louisa we were going to adopt again, we just didn't know when. My heart and soul believes that our son was a gift of life that we got to share briefly and he did play an important part in guiding us. Five months later, we knew without a doubt we were ready to parent again and we were excited to welcome another child into our family. It was hard for a while to stomach that something like his loss was "meant to be". I just know it hasn't shown us why yet and I guess that is what faith is all about. I have no doubt when we meet our perfect match, our next child...God's plan will be alive and good.

Thanks for your kind words and support, they really do mean so much to me, especially this week.

Jenny

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What a nice story! I now look back at our 4 IVF attempts with a different light too in that if we hadn't gone through what we had, we would never have known this special little gift from above in Delaney.

Thank you for sharing your story. Your daughter is just adorable!

Nichole

Jenny and Teena,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories, they both bring up so many memories (for many of us I'm sure). Warm hugs to you both!

I do have a GOOD story along these lines I thought I'd share!

Layna's birthmother and I were talking a while back about this entire process. How it's been right at a year since we met and changed all of our familes' lives forever, etc. etc. We suddenly realized that Layna was concieved at the exact same time as my last IVF!!!! During that time Bart and I (and our families) were just praying for a healthy baby that was meant to be ours. Little did we know that God did have a plan for that baby that we prayed for, I just wouldn't be the one carrying her!!!!!! As we were going through the IVF craziness I of course had already figured out the tentative due date if I were to get PG. Well, I lost all three embryos but guess what! Sweet Layna was born at the exact time I was looking forward to! HE does have a plan and Layna's birthmother and we believe that Layna was concieved for a reason and she was meant to be our child. Romanticizing a bit ...maybe? But it's what we like to believe. :rolleyes:

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  • 7 months later...

A helpful reading on knowing when it is-- and isn't-- the right time to put aside fertility efforts and pursue adoption instead: Infertility & Adoption.

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