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When To Say When?


MotherGoose

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I think adoption has so many ups and downs and twists and turns and unknowns (and the list just goes on and on and on) that if you have not closed the door to infertility treatments, then those highs and lows can just be too much to bear and can cause too many doubts and what-ifs. I think to be able to embrace adoption as one needs to do in order to go through whatever obstacles come up on the journey, one needs to feel in their hearts that this is just part of the path to becoming parents - it is the only path, so you just learn to take each low with grace and celebrate each high - and you get really comfortable with those twists and turns. I think, if someone hasn't reached that point (where they feel they may have some unfinished business with the fertility doctors), then that adoption journey can be much rougher than it is for someone who knows this is just what they have to endure in order to become parents (because the alternative would mean to remain childless).

Truly profound, Lisa, and right on the money, in my opinion. There is a definite difference for adoption professionals in working with folks who have "come to terms" with their infertility, vs. those who haven't. And it's not even a matter of having to "resolve" all your infertility issues before coming to adoption (I'm not sure that's possible!) but adoption is not a cure for infertility, and sometimes I think those who truly are not "ready" to let go of the fertility stuff are the most likely to skew the adoption process, thereby making failure a self-fulfilling prophecy until they're truly ready to let go of the dream in order to succeed, in real life...?

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Tina,

Wanna hear something crazy? Once we decided on adoption, I said I was completely done with keeping track of the monthly cycle. And I really did. I was so done with it all. Now since I don't keep track whatsoever, I never know when my friend may be coming for a visit. So, at least every month or every other month, I think to myself "I bet I'm pregnant". And I'm not sad or disappointed when my friend comes, I'm just amazed that I still even think that. I guess "it" never completely goes away. But I now feel so much more trusting of God's plan -- whatever that may be.

I have to tell you I often did the same thing for awhile. Then I completely quit thinking about it at all. Then the most unexpected thing happened, I suddenly was pregnant. God definately works in mysterious ways. It makes life so much more fun and unpredictable. :)

Jill

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For me, when we decided to stop treatments it was truly like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. It felt so freeing. We knew right then that we wouldn't look back, that it was the right decision. When it feels better to stop than to keep trying, you know you're done.

And then, we knew that we were moving on to adoption and that we would succeed in this arena. And we could do that unencumbered by what if's, because we had tried as much as we were willing to do, and had proceeded, not to the end of medical science, but to OUR end of comfort.

I remember a LONG time ago, early in our marriage, a work acquaintance was going through this and ultimately adopted. And 1 thing I remember her saying ws "I can't believe how long we resisted, I wish we had come to this decision a lot sooner." And as we went thru our treatments and discussions, I would remind myself of those words. But then we would try again.

Now, after the fact, I, too, wish we had gotten here sooner, had taken less time with the trying and worrying and saddness, because we are so happy to be parents, and have learned so much, and although I am still a bit curious, I no longer have any desire to become pregnant.

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When it feels better to stop than to keep trying, you know you're done.

Truer words haven't been spoken from my perspective...

This was how I felt too when we closed the door on fertility treaments and trying to get pregnant. For me, that entire experience was just rotten, full of no fond memories, just sadness and hopelessness. Anyway, to me, it didn't matter what I had to go through on my adoption journey because I knew that in the end, it paled in comparison to how I felt going through in-vitro and also, I knew what the outcome would be so that made it all so much easier for me. This was definitely true when we adopted Kayleigh - we had such a smooth time that first time - no real twists or turns or ups or downs - we basically went to Orientation, got all our stuff done, and the first "official" match we had was Kayleigh, she was a BOG. And it happened so quickly and it seemed so effortlessly - I mean, don't get me wrong....the adoption experience, once it was put into action was full of all sorts of unexpected things but nothing I couldn't handle and I had my baby, so nothing bothered me...I felt I could handle anything.

This time, it's been a little more unpredictable and I'll be honest, I really didn't anticipate that we'd be waiting quite this long, and I didn't anticipate that we'd go through 3 matches, 2 birthparent phone calls where we weren't "chosen", 1 birthparent call where we were sort-of chosen at the last minute but within a day, she decided to continue the private adoption she was involved with, 2 or 3 (or more?) birthparent calls where we opted not to move forward...anyway, suffice it to say, this experience has definitely been more emotional and a true test of whether or not we really want to continue building our family. I mentioned in a previous post that I had a fleeting recent thought that maybe, we needed to re-visit our decision to stop infertility treatments. This came up because of exactly what you said Mary Helen - when you decide that the alternative feels better than what you're currently going through, you know it's time to stop. When I was having a really bad day or week, whichever it was - I had to determine if maybe, what I went through with the infertility was actually not as painful and emotional than what the future may hold for us with our 2nd adoption journey. I mentioned somewhere on the forum that after what we've experienced so far, one of the biggest fears I have currently is a fear of the unknown...how many more disrupted matches will we have before it's the right one? and so on. Lance wouldn't even discuss infertility treatments again - that door is completely closed for him (and he was the one who initially had a harder time closing it than I did). His thoughts are if we are going to have a second child, then it is going to be through adoption...period. So, my thought was fleeting and within a couple of days, I wondered where on earth that came from and moved on, got back on track with preparing myself mentally for what's to come and now, I just try to handle it all the best I know how to. And, no more doubts (at this time) about whether it's all worth it in the end...whether we really do need another child in our family (the answer is yes). I know that if we don't pursue this path, this will haunt me forever...that I gave up on that person who was meant to be my other daughter - I'll constantly wonder about her and who her parents are and what she was like...she is a very real person to me, already - so I know I must be patient and just let her find me when she's ready.

Truly profound, Lisa, and right on the money, in my opinion. There is a definite difference for adoption professionals in working with folks who have "come to terms" with their infertility, vs. those who haven't. And it's not even a matter of having to "resolve" all your infertility issues before coming to adoption (I'm not sure that's possible!) but adoption is not a cure for infertility, and sometimes I think those who truly are not "ready" to let go of the fertility stuff are the most likely to skew the adoption process, thereby making failure a self-fulfilling prophecy until they're truly ready to let go of the dream in order to succeed, in real life...?

Elizabeth - I think what you'll find ironic is that I learned that as a birthmother - just edit all that content to reflect a birthmother's perspective and you'll understand how I came to terms with my decision to place. Basically, I believed, in my heart that adoption was my ONLY option (whether it was realistically or not) and that what I felt and went through, the pain, the emotion...was just part of what I had to go through...just part of life. It works both ways - for someone losing a child through adoption and for someone losing a child through infertility)

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After reading everyone's posts, I realized how our "fertility situations" are so similar, yet so different. I think, for me, I've gone in stages. After my third ectopic pregnancy, enough was enough, gave us time to heal and moved toward adoption with confidence, yet fear. (Confidence that it was the right thing, yet fear of the unknown)

Then we adopted and I felt as if no other way could be just as right. I also went through the stage of how selfish it would be to even want to ever try to conceive when the option of adoption was in the world. I thought, why would I even want to populate the world more when there are children who need us just as much a we needed and wanted them. Strange thoughts, I know. Now, like I said before, I do feel at peace with what life offers and that is why I say I go with the flow (or atleast try my best to, when my obsessiveness doesn't kick in).

Moving from infertility to adoption CAN be easier if you hit a brick wall. It was easier for us to accept infertility due to physical and emotional strain, point blank. The reason I guess I still think of the possibilities is because I'm still in that child bearing age, I still have a uterus and ovaries and the reason I was deemed "infertile" was because I had one fallopian tube left and it didn't work correctly. Oh, and also, we didn't go through IVF or any of those treatments. So, as I mentioned at the beginning, we start at different places, roam around to different feelings, but hopefully for our sake and our children's sake, we have accepted our infertility as it is, and are at peace with whatever situation we are in.

I have to say, I truly enjoy these topics, because it takes me back to where we started, all the feelings in between and I am able to reflect on how far we have come.

Claudia

Edited by MarceloandClaudia
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Moving from infertility to adoption CAN be easier if you hit a brick wall.

I think that it absoultely right, for me. So many times I was loooking for that brick wall. I wanted a concrete answer. So many times I said during the process how I wish I had been born without a uterus or something, just t know that I wouldn't have a biological child, becuase then I wouldn't have to go through all the questions and what ifs and wondering if we were doing the right thing and if "just one more" time would be the magic try. And 2 early miscarriages only added confusion to that, making us think "now were' on the right track, we're getting closer, we're doing something right . . ." At one point I think that I was sacrificing my psyche for my body - ie, I told myself I could endure the emotional pain and stress on order to achieve the physical "goal". Alas, we never got the brick wall, but we did come to the breaking point of emotional turmoil.

I look at my infertility as a disability of sorts and have accepted it and moved on, just as if I had a chronic illlness. I am just thankful that unlike some illnesses, infertility doesn't prohibit me from reaching the ultimate goal - that of parenting.

Everyone moves at their own pace and has their own comfort zones, but I totally agree with you that hopefully " we have accepted our infertility as it is, and are at peace with whatever situation we are in."

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Lauren,

I just knew when you and I talked and when you shared with our group your infertility journey that you guys weren't ready to shut that door. I so hoped that you both would realize it and I felt such relief when you shared that you guys had decided not to pursue adoption at this time. I think there is a reason you were called back to the fertility treatments again, and whether or not they result in a child, you need to do this, in order to move forward with your plans to have a family (in my opinion). I am so, so, so happy to have met you on this forum and in our Orientation Group and I am feel so blessed that you are still with us all on our journeys and we are with you on yours. I will jump for joy when I receive the news that you are a mother (or are on your way to becoming a mother) and whether your child shares a biological connection with you or not, I know you will be the absolute best, most loving, most accepting mom in the world! That's just the kind of person you are. I think adoption has so many ups and downs and twists and turns and unknowns (and the list just goes on and on and on) that if you have not closed the door to infertility treatments, then those highs and lows can just be too much to bear and can cause too many doubts and what-ifs. I think to be able to embrace adoption as one needs to do in order to go through whatever obstacles come up on the journey, one needs to feel in their hearts that this is just part of the path to becoming parents - it is the only path, so you just learn to take each low with grace and celebrate each high - and you get really comfortable with those twists and turns. I think, if someone hasn't reached that point (where they feel they may have some unfinished business with the fertility doctors), then that adoption journey can be much rougher than it is for someone who knows this is just what they have to endure in order to become parents (because the alternative would mean to remain childless).

So anyway, I am rooting you on and I truly hope you and Chuck are successful in your IVF attempt(s) and that if you aren't, you are blessed with an amazing doctor who can help guide you (whether that be through more aggressive treatments (although IVF (which is what we did) is about as aggressive as it gets) or through other alternatives (surrogate, donor whatever's) or back to Abrazo to meet the child who wasn't ready for you yet when you graduated from our Orientation in September. We did IVF twice - the first time, with a doctor here in Texas - we were never guided or helped or consulted with - the receptionist told us we weren't pregnant over the phone and no follow-up appointment was ever recommended or made. It definitely felt to us that the door was still open (well, more to Lance than me - the entire experience was enough to turn me off mother-hood for the next 10 years!). When we arrived in Seattle, we located another specialist and did another IVF - this time, we had been led to an amazing doctor (she was a female) who was so compassionate and caring and when we learned we weren't pregnant (which was through a very sympathetic and kind nurse), we were asked to schedule a follow-up appointment to speak with the doctor. We went through everything with her and she recommended to us at that time that we may want to consider another means of building our family - that we just weren't good candidates for IVF because I didn't respond well (I "only" made 14 eggs, of which, only 7 made it past 24 hours and of those, only 3 fertilized and those that did, were not very good quality.) She is the one who recommended adoption to us and that just felt "right". It felt, at that time that we had gone as far as we could go and to continue would be a pointless and emotionally wrenching exercise. I am so grateful to her for giving us the closure we needed to move forward with adoption with the type of mind-set we had - I honestly have never (other than very recently & very fleeting but I think that was just me realizing that I'm now 35 and I'm no longer in that "healthy, abundant" egg age anymore) wondered if we should have tried harder or more with infertility treatments.

Anyway, my friend - I am so happy to hear you're going to give it another shot and I am wishing you the best possible outcome! Here's some baby dust coming your way :)

Lisa :)

Lisa, your friendship has meant so much to me as we've moved forward through all of this. I have to tell you, I've never read the forum with actual tears in my eyes, until I just read your post. You understand me, and our situation, so incredibly well... and make me feel like I'm on the right path no matter what we decide. I've felt really awful about the indecision (I really really thought we had gone through all of the emotions, and come to peace with our fertility stuff... and we had pretty well convinced everyone else-- social workers, friends, our parents, ourselves-- that we had as well). But you've made me feel much better about changing our minds, at least for now. And trust me, I don't tend to change my mind, being my type-A self and all. This really has been one of the most agonizing decisions we've made... but the great part of it is that we know at the end we'll end up as parents one way or another, which is all we've ever wanted. And, much as I hate to admit it, someone up there is making things work out for the best for us... if we had gotten pregnant when we first started, or even when we first broached the fertility treatments, there's so much that we would have missed out on. Meeting you (and the rest of the Fishies), not least of all.

As for your journey, I totally understand looking to the "other" side because it seems easier. You've had a rough road of it this time, but you know that it is all part of the journey to the right child for you guys. Kayleigh may have been quicker to appear in your lives once you found Abrazo, but the path to her wasn't easy, either. I'm convinced that nothing really good ever is.

Thank you, my wonderful friend, for your incredibly strong shoulders. I've already learned to lean on them, and I'm sure I'll be leaning even harder as we move forward. Just know that my shoulders are (albeit across the ocean) always here for you as well.

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Tina,

Wanna hear something crazy? Once we decided on adoption, I said I was completely done with keeping track of the monthly cycle. And I really did. I was so done with it all. Now since I don't keep track whatsoever, I never know when my friend may be coming for a visit. So, at least every month or every other month, I think to myself "I bet I'm pregnant". And I'm not sad or disappointed when my friend comes, I'm just amazed that I still even think that. I guess "it" never completely goes away. But I now feel so much more trusting of God's plan -- whatever that may be.

Toni,

That cracks me up! I don't keep track of cycles anymore either. I only get in trouble when I go to the dr. and they ask when my last one was and I go "I don't know". Then I have to sit and try and figure it out (SUCH A PAIN). They always ask "could you be pregnant?" and my answer is "Could be, but I doubt it". They don't find any humor in it by the way. I was chastised last time and told to keep up just in case there is a problem. (You mean like I can't get pregnant??? :lol::blink::lol: ).

I told Jay the other day if I ever do get pregnant, I will probably be several months along before I figure it out. Who can keep up while trying to take care of a little one?!?!?!?

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After over six years of try to conceive, I definitely "hit a brick wall". I had a surprise complete hysterectomy (for my 30th birthday, no less). I went in for "another" laproscopy and came out with a hysterectomy. I was SO completely shocked and devasted that I couldn't think straight for months. I cried ALL the time!

Now looking back on it, it was the best thing that could have happened! I don't know if I would have ever been able to stop trying. In fact, until I woke up in the recovery room and they told me what had happened, it had never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to conceive. I knew it was taking a long time, but I always believed it would happen.

I really think that that day was the first day of the rest of my life. I could finally start the grieving process. And now, I know that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew exactly what He was doing. He already had a baby planned for our family and if I wouldn't have had my hysterectomy, I would have never found him! Out of my biggest sorrow, came the most amazing gift!!!

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God, in His infinite wisdom, knew exactly what He was doing. He already had a baby planned for our family and if I wouldn't have had my hysterectomy, I would have never found him! Out of my biggest sorrow, came the most amazing gift!!!

Tricia,

How beautifully put!

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Tricia,

Your story is such an example of "joy from ashes" ... how traumatic it must have been waking up to such unexpected and devastating news!! ... and yet you can now give GOD all the glory and see His plan in your beautiful baby boy. Thank you for sharing.

As for us, I guess we were somewhat unusual in that after a couple of cycles of Clomid (which was the only type of infertility "procedure" that our insurance would cover) we knew that pursuing pregnancy was not for us. I won't say that decision wasn't without tears and heartache (though the years and subsequent evidence of God's grace through our precious children has all but erased those sad memories!) but we knew it was the right one. Normally, Pedro and I are pretty laid-back, even-keel individuals and yet the monthly disappointments were turning us into emotional basket cases ... and we had no way of knowing how long this could go on. We just knew that we could not emotionally handle any more than we did, and we had hoped to adopt eventually anyway ... and add to that, God's divine timing of bringing an adoptive family to seminary who took us under their wing and gave us the information we needed to dispel our fears and begin the adoption process with confidence. Nothing earthshattering, but that is our story of saying "when!" ^_^

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  • 1 month later...

It stretches the very limits of human imagination, but American doctors have announced they are preparing to begin transplanting the uteruses of dead women into reproductively-impaired, would-be mothers, for an estimated cost of $500,000 per patient. Here's How.

Do the benefits of experiencing pregnancy outweigh the risks and costs, in your view? Why or why not?

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The fact that hundreds of women have already applied for the program shows the desperation that so many of us have felt while in the middle of our own infertility issues. However, I cannot imaging choosing such an option.

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Mixed thoughts on this one.

I think of it like an organ donor program. Not all organ donation is life/death situations. My old boss had to have corneal transplants because of severe eyesight problem. The catch, someone appoximately his same age with 'good' eyes had to die in order for him to get the transplant. These are more medical necessities.

The uterual transplants are different, in my opinion. It is a new step in the battles with infertility. Insurance will likely never cover it as it is not a necessary medical procedure. As with any transplant situation, there is always the chance for rejection. Have enough studies been done and what effects the anti-rejection drugs would do to a fetus? It is just too extreme for US, but if you have the means, are sure the risks are worth the reward, then it seems okay.

The evolution of modern medicine never ceases to amaze me.

For some adoption is simply not an option and they will do anything than can to have a biological child. It raises the question of "If the process was proven to be safe, effective, and you had the means to do it, would you?" :unsure:

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At first when I read Elizabeth's post I thought that even though this would be extreme at the very least it might be a viable option for some women (I know a woman born without a uterus, and many with severe endo)- but this is before I read the article. I was thinking that the woman would be able to keep the uterus much like a heart transplant patient or a kidney transplant patient. But to have to have the uterus removed once it has served its purpose or even if it does not work seems so very invasive and extreamly dangerous. Wow- for a woman willing to go through such a procedure it seems like such a very difficult and life threatening one. First she must endure an IVF procedure followed by a hysterecemy and I guess they would transplant the donor uterus at the same time? Healing time for such an event would take a few months and not to mention the hormonal effects that the patient would experience. She would obviously need to take some sort of hormone suppliment. Then all of the meds involved to keep the uterus from being rejected followed by more medications to control the hormones in order to inplant the already created frozen embryos. And then...if it works what will have to be done to keep the fetus alive? And if it doesn't work out... it just seems like the doctors out there who are performing these experiments have much more home work to do. Needless to say I don't like needles or even taking a advil so this would definitely not be for me. But once the science is perfected who knows what the possibilies would be?

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Well said, Bridget.

My sister sent me the article and I couldn't believe it!?! Personally, I don't think I could do it. I may have thought about it before deciding to take the wonderful journey of adoption. But once we decided to go through Abrazo, that was it. Infact, I called Abrazo the day I got the news that the invitro pregnancy test was unfavorable.

I pray for those women who feel that they HAVE to have their own. For those who don't think about the children who need a home. It all takes time, I know.

It took us about 2 years to decide that adoption was the way to go.

I just hope more testing is done before it becomes "primetime."

Laura

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  • 2 weeks later...

WOW. Chuck and I sat down before we ever started trying to have kids (we both had a premonition that we'd have trouble) and said what we'd be willing to "do" to have a biological child. Funny, we're now planning on going a bit beyond that (I said ABSOLUTELY no IVF when we started... but now I'm open to at least a couple of rounds). But we've already drawn other pretty bright lines for when we'll stop. This just seems so beyond the pale... way too extreme.

When we finally started telling people that we were going to adopt (we never really talked about the fertility treatments, for fear of how it would affect my business prospects... we thought people wouldn't be willing to contract with a firm where the president might "check out" because of a pregnancy) we got all sorts of people coming out of the woodwork to tell us about their fertility journeys. One in particular told us about their 7 rounds of IVF. On the 5th round, his wife had life-threatening OHSS and was in the hospital for over a week. Her doc told her ABSOLUTELY no more IVF, because she had a huge chance of getting OHSS again and she had literally come close to dying. And yet, note-- they did 7 rounds, or 2 rounds after that. They ended up with a beautiful little girl after their 7th round, but at what cost?! He told us this story to say "don't give up, keep trying, keep going no matter what." When we finished lunch with him, Chuck and I both looked at each other with wide eyes and said that we NEVER wanted to get to that point. Luckily, we know what a viable option adoption is... and really feel that we could walk away from fertility to adoption at any point that it doesn't make sense for us. And anytime there is more than a minimal risk to us or our baby, that's a point that chasing a biological child doesn't make any sense to us.

But, of course, everyone has different views on this... and that's OK. But for us, even IVF without a really really solid chance of working is too much.

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Lauren&Chuck -

It is hard to say when especially when you look at your husband and just to know what a biological child would look like from the best looking man (in my mind) in the world. IVF is very hard and very invasive. But, I agree, try it, try it a couple of times, try it until you are ready to not try it again. You will really know when that time comes.

I am not a President like you, but I will tell you when my when is and you will know what I am saying when you go through your first round, or second round, or third round. It was every time the "NO, you are not Pregnant," and the tears would just rush down at work and then I would have to call my husband and tell him the same thing at work. There is nothing like having all your personal business show up at your place of profession. Especially when the President (like you) is right around the corner from your office, or your employees are knocking on your door to get information from you. The emotions for IVF are TWENTY times stronger while going through treatments then they are when you can get pregnant naturally.

When is hard but again, you will know when the time is right to stop and look at a different plan. Of course, you never know. You might beat the odds, especially since IVF is getting to be more and more successful every year. Good luck with it, the Billig’s will be praying for the best successes ever! I personally love hearing about when IVF is successful than discussing the failures!

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Thanks so much for your supportive words. You have no idea how much they mean to me. Interestingly enough, a few of my employees are having trouble conceiving-- and I tell them that they've got just about the best boss for that stuff, since I'm willing to be overwhelmingly flexible.

Edited by Lauren&Chuck
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It stretches the very limits of human imagination, but American doctors have announced they are preparing to begin transplanting the uteruses of dead women into reproductively-impaired, would-be mothers, for an estimated cost of $500,000 per patient. Here's How.

Do the benefits of experiencing pregnancy outweigh the risks and costs, in your view? Why or why not?

I have given this question a lot of thought lately. We did not have a good experience in our fertility quest. I'm not sure our dr. did much more than try to make money off of us (he suggested IVF at our first visit even though we are both relatively young and there is no biological explaination for our infertility). Anyway, we didn't do much in way of treatments because of his callous attitude.

Recently we went to dinner with some friends that also struggled with infertility and subsequently gave birth to two healthy children. They had a different dr. and a much different experience. They were very encouraging to us to go and see their dr. and felt sure that he would be more helpful than our last. Although we are THRILLED with our choice to adopt, sometimes we wonder about #2 so we did think about seeking this dr.'s help (they assured us that there were LOTS of low-tech ways to assist pregnancy that we had never even heard of).

I read this article after our dinner. After a lot of soul searching, I just don't think the costs outway the risks. I think there is a reason we are unable to conceive and we should just respect the divine intervention and move on. I don't feel like risking my own life would be worth the chance of bringing a life related to mine into the world. I would love to experience a pregnancy, but not at the incredible risks mentioned in some of the treatments available.

We could not love our daughter anymore than we do. I don't dream of what my biological children would look like (I don't really care). I can't even get inventive and wonder what kind of personalities our biological children would have because I just don't know.

For us, we are finished with fertility stuff. We are thrilled with the life the Lord has granted us. When we are ready for #2, he or she will find their way to us just like our daughter did. We have trust in His sovereignty and grace.

I worry about the developments in reproductive technology that seem to put women's very lives at risk. I think there should be LOTS of counceling involved before, after, and during the treatments to help women make the best decisions they can.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Wow, I truly cannot believe that they are transplanting uteruses. That, to me, just seems so risky. And after all that money and the woman having her heart set on this being the one treatment that may actually resolve her infertility, it may still not result in a pregnancy.

I really believe it must be a personal choice of yours and your spouse's decision when you say enough is enough. For us, it really never came down to whether or not we were 'against' adoption at all, but we really never thought infertility treatments would NOT work. We were somehow blinded by the hope that this next treatment might just be it.

After all was said and done we endured many cycles of Clomid, laparoscopy x 1, and then 4 heart-breaking rounds of IVF. The last straw for us was when the physician told us that maybe if I had my tubes removed the next IVF could possibly work (I have severely blocked tubes, so they thought that maybe some retained blood or fluid from my cycle was spilling into the uterus every month in turn flushing out any embryos that may be in there). I just finally said NO way! I'm just not going to have my tubes removed, especially since there still is such an IF factor that it might not work again. We just couldn't do it.

I came to the decision of adoption sooner than my husband Joe. But now we are, and have been, both on board for quite some time now and it's finally feeling like we've got a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

I certainly can relate to Lauren & Chuck's experience and hurdles.

Much love and positive baby mojo!!! Nichole

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  • 3 weeks later...
It stretches the very limits of human imagination, but American doctors have announced they are preparing to begin transplanting the uteruses of dead women into reproductively-impaired, would-be mothers, for an estimated cost of $500,000 per patient. Here's How.

Do the benefits of experiencing pregnancy outweigh the risks and costs, in your view? Why or why not?

Wow, I thought some things that the Infertility World was doing now was a little extreme, but this is like a whole new level. However, I have no quams about it and I think people should do what they feel is best for them, as it's a personal decision. For me personally, I do think this is very, very extreme. Sometimes I wonder if people who go to such extreme measures and so many years of treatment lose touch of just being parents. Me and my husband went through it for like 1 1/2 years and in my opinion even that was too long, for us anyway. It's hard not to get consumed in the doctors appointments, pills, shots, non-stop ultrasounds, semen samples, semen counts, egg counts, egg sizes, hormone levels that you just lose touch. Your an emotional rollercoaster, it's up and down, your spending obnoxious amounts of money and it just HAS to work. Almost like you start thinking you have to prove something to yourself. I don't know...I know it's very personal though and we all have different reasons for starting and stopping when we do. I found the process very depressing and kind of demeaning. I know that most us women have that urge to have a baby and we've looked forward to it since we were little girls so it makes it so hard to make that cross over. I don't think there is a right or wrong, but sometimes it's hard as an adoptive parent to watch a couple go through such invasive procedures and such pain for years and years. I'm just thinking "ADOPT...you'll be so happy and all your parenting dreams will be here". It just such a touchy topic and it's a painful one so I know it's hard. I've been there. I also believe we all are lead to different places at different times and it will lead you to the baby that was meant to be, however it happens. That is all that matters in the end, God will guide you.

As far as the question above about pregnancy outweighing risks and costs of treatments. I can only answer that based on my own personal experience cause I know a lot of women who REALLY LOVED being pregnant and women who HATED it. So, in my opinion and experience, pregnancy is NOT worth it. I did my share to get pregnant and it wasn't worth it. I know if I hadn't done it and tried, it ultimately would not have led me to my daughter so I see the perfection in that sense. My RE told me we'd never get pregnant on our own and if we did it would be a miracle. Well, that miracle happened last year. We did get pregnant and man were we shocked. We both have issues, mine being way less then his, but we did get pregnant. We couldn't even believe it. Because my cycles were long and messed up, I was all ready like 10 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. Shawn went to Walmart at like 11:00 at night because the test I took was some generic test from like 2 years before. He bought like 5 different kinds. We were truly in utter shock. Our daughter hadn't even turned one yet so we were very nervous and overwhelmed. I am one of them people who had a hard time dealing with the loss of pregnancy and not the biological child (I don't have any royalty in my bloodline ;) ). I think any pregnancy is a miracle, it truly amazes me the way things work. My pregnancy was beautiful while it lasted. Me and my husband went to our 20 week ultrasound and we were so excited. We were like the happiest couple. We had the most amazing (she truly is) little girl, we were going to have a second child...it was perfection. Well, we found out that day 45 minutes after us being all giddy during the Ultrasound that our baby was going to die. He had multiple birth defects and a cystic hygrom and fetal hydrops. They couldn't believe he was still alive. I think back to that day and it gives me chills. Even now it doesn't feel real. I felt like I was in a movie...these things happened on Lifetime Channel, not in my life. Honestly, in comparison...the infertility was a cake walk. It was a breeze. I never thought I'd think back and say that. To sit there and touch my belly and unborn child and know he was going to die was truly unreal. I gave birth to him (stillborn) a few weeks later after having all kinds of tests done, confirming diagnosis, testing chromosomes etc. My husband was there with me every single step and I don't think his eyes left my face during that horrible 3 day stay in the hospital. I really don't. I don't even think he slept. It brought us together even deeper then you think you can be. To know you can't have a baby is hard, but to have one and find out your genes don't mix and creates a poor baby that has to live such a short life is really hard. My mom and sister were there with me (the only two I would allow) and my husband when I gave birth in the middle of the night. We all got to hold him and say our goodbyes. It was heartbreaking. I treasure those months dearly that I got to be pregnant with him because it was the only way I knew my son, I have pictures they took at the hospital I can look at but they are sad. He was totally fully formed, just not real big. He was beautiful. I know he lived through my laughter, pain and my heartbeat was his comfort and now he is in heaven watching over us. So, even though I do treasure the little memories I have of my pregnancy, for me... pregnancy is not worth the pain, the cost and waiting. I would wish no woman to go through that, it is just not right. Again this is just based on my own personal experience and I know we all have different roads to travel. As beautiful as pregnancy is, for me...there are measures too extreme. They are all perfect and will lead us to where we should be. I believe that God took him and I think it led us into wanting to be parents again and is leading us to our next family member, which I believe will happen through adoption. We just want to be a family and adoption is our beautiful way of doing that. I think of how happy my pregnancy was when I found out and up till that doomed ultrasound and it was beatutiful. I think of adopting my daughter and when we finally held her at 4 1/2 months and knew she was coming home with us and that was unreal BEAUTY. Well, they both make me cry and they are both beautiful. I actually think the adoption has a an extra special feeling to it. There is just something extra to me about finding your baby and knowing you were somehow led there to them. When you see them for the first time and touch them and hug them and they are real, your heart is forever changed. My daughter is the PERFECT fit for us and our family, it's like divine intervention got it right. Perfectly right, adoption is our perfection and normal now.

Wow, I wrote a lot more then I thought and I don't even really post on these kinds of topics. When I saw that question posted by Elizabeth it just struck a cord about what costs or extremes we go to for pregnancy. My experience confirmed to me that even though pregnancy is amazing, adoption is equally amazing and even has an extra special feeling guiding you there.

OK, I'm done rambling. Sorry if my thoughts are scattered and not well put. It's hard to write them out sometimes the way I'm thinking of them. Maybe this should have even been on another thread.

Jenny

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