When To Say When?

[linlacor]

I was so upset after our first unsuccessful IVF - I was ready to adopt then...but my husband wasn't. He wanted to try IVF one more time. I agreed, we did about a year later and it too was unsuccessful. I was even more ready at that point to adopt - I just started getting the ball rolling and had all the information ready, etc for my husband to look at when he was ready. We had a follow-up appointment with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) (which our other RE/practice hadn't done) and she gave us the closure we needed to shut that door to infertility. She told us that I just wasn't a good responder and it was unlikely IVF would ever work for us. I don't think I really needed to hear that in order to let that go (like Linda said, to me, infertility treatments always seemed so uncertain and I was so ready to be a mom - I wanted a sure thing - adoption was a sure thing to me, bumps, curves, & all - the ultimate end result is always a known). However, that closure helped my husband shut that door as well. Within a month, we'd submitted our initial inquiry and here we are, 2 years later - thankful every day that we have the daughter we have.

-Lisa

[Sammy]

We went through 4 rounds of IVF - we knew we were ready to move on to adoption when we were sitting in the Repro/Endo's office after the 4th failed IVF round and he wanted us to try one more time and I just knew in my heart I couldn't go through it again. The roller coasters of ultra sounds every other day, counting how many eggs I'd produced, their quality, the test results etc etc....I was just tired of it all and really didn't care that I wouldn't have a biological child. We are still waiting now to adopt, and don't get me wrong, it too has a different sort of roller coasters, but at least I'm not being stuck with 5 needles a day and at some point we will have a child, if I can just be patient enough.

[ElizabethAnn]

Hey there! Any of our newer forumites want to weigh in on how they knew when they were ready to move from fertility treatment to adoption? (And how they got their spouse on the same page?)

[MarkLaurie]

We moved to the decision to adopt rather quickly. Part of the reason was the we had always talked of adopting even before we knew we were going to have difficulty concieving. Another part is that we were at peace with not having a "biological" child - we just wanted to share our love and lives with a child. On a more logical note, when we were looking at the cost of IVF and other fertility treatments, we quickly noted that while they would likely cost as much if not more than adoption, there were even less guarantees. Then what would we do? We would have nothing left to pursue adoption with.

[MarceloandClaudia]

Since, I experienced 3 ectopic pregnancies, I knew early that I had difficulty conceiving in the "right" place. Marcelo and I spoke of adoption right from the start of our relationship. I wanted to be sure he could accept this part of me, and he did.

Knowing that it is time to move forward is a completely different experience for everyone. For Marcelo and I, it was not only an emotional decision, but we had to consider my health as well as financial reasons as well. Like Laurie stated, going through IVF could exhaust us emotionally, physically and financially and then where would that leave us if it did not work. After resolving my emotional sorrows from not being pregnant "normally", Marcelo and I decided to move forward full force. We figured why take our time when we know this is what we want... to be parents and to share our lives and love with a child as well a for them to share theirs with us!

I think the most important thing is even if you want it so bad, you need to look at all avenues and make sure you are emotionally ready to move toward adoption. It's not an easy thing just like pregnancy loss etc., but with the support of one another, you can make it fun and easy in your own way. Faith can bring on miracles! It's definately a learning experience.

Claudia

[S&P Express]

We both knew after the last fertility treatment. I was tired of feeling the way the drugs made me feel and he was concerned on how it was on my body.

When we received the negative test result, we both told people that "We were going to Texas" and here we are on our journey.

As we've had discussions with my brother, (who's adopted thru Abrazo) just think of all the money we could of saved on birth control.

[mlw]

Amen on the birth control!!

I don't know how many times the a doctor asks me what I use for birth control! Anyone have a great answer for that one other than going into your lifes details??

[MarkLaurie]

One of the big things that the Abrazo ladies preach as well as many of the books on what a couple must do to ready themselves for a positive adoption experience is to make sure that they have truly come to terms with their infertility and have grieved the biological children they have imagined would have been born to them. I recently read the following poem that speaks to this "transition". It brought tears to my eyes.

Burial

by E. Van Clef

Today I closed the door of the nursery

I have kept for you in my heart.

I can no longer stand in its doorway.

I have waited for you there so long.

I cannot forever live on the periphery

of the dream world we share, and you

cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the

threshold of conception and birth.

I have fought time, doctors, devils, and

God Almighty.

I am wary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my

heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really

let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the

living but it is unseemly for the

living to be trapped forever by the

unborn.

Edited January 14, 2006 by MarkLaurie

[ElizabethAnn]

Wow.

Those are powerful words.

Thank you for sharing them, Laurie!

[Stork Central]

According to The American Society of Reproductive Medicine, in about one third of cases, infertility is due to female factors. In another one third of cases, infertility is due to male factors. The remaining third of cases are caused by a mixture of male and female factors or by unknown factors.

What is infertility?

Most experts define infertility as not being able to get pregnant after at least one year of trying. Women who are able to get pregnant but then have repeat miscarriages are also said to be infertile.

Pregnancy is the result of a complex chain of events. In order to get pregnant:

A woman must release an egg from one of her ovaries (ovulation).

The egg must go through a fallopian tube toward the uterus (womb).

A man's sperm must join with (fertilize) the egg along the way.

The fertilized egg must attach to the inside of the uterus (implantation).

Infertility can result from problems that interfere with any of these steps.

Is infertility a common problem?

About 12 percent of women (7.3 million) in the United States aged 15-44 had difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term in 2002, according to the National Center for Health Statistics of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Is infertility just a woman's problem?

No, infertility is not always a woman's problem. In only about one-third of cases is infertility due to the woman (female factors). In another one third of cases, infertility is due to the man (male factors). The remaining cases are caused by a mixture of male and female factors or by unknown factors.

What causes infertility in men?

Infertility in men is most often caused by:

problems making sperm -- producing too few sperm or none at all

problems with the sperm's ability to reach the egg and fertilize it -- abnormal sperm shape or structure prevent it from moving correctly

Sometimes a man is born with the problems that affect his sperm. Other times problems start later in life due to illness or injury. For example, cystic fibrosis often causes infertility in men.

What increases a man's risk of infertility?

The number and quality of a man's sperm can be affected by his overall health and lifestyle. Some things that may reduce sperm number and/or quality include:

alcohol

drugs

environmental toxins, including pesticides and lead

smoking cigarettes

health problems

medicines

radiation treatment and chemotherapy for cancer

age

What causes infertility in women?

Problems with ovulation account for most cases of infertility in women. Without ovulation, there are no eggs to be fertilized. Some signs that a woman is not ovulating normally include irregular or absent menstrual periods.

Less common causes of fertility problems in women include:

blocked fallopian tubes due to pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, or surgery for an ectopic pregnancy

physical problems with the uterus

uterine fibroids

What things increase a woman's risk of infertility?

Many things can affect a woman's ability to have a baby. These include:

age

stress

poor diet

athletic training

being overweight or underweight

tobacco smoking

alcohol

sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

health problems that cause hormonal changes

How does age affect a woman's ability to have children?

More and more women are waiting until their 30s and 40s to have children. Actually, about 20 percent of women in the United States now have their first child after age 35. So age is an increasingly common cause of fertility problems. About one third of couples in which the woman is over 35 have fertility problems.

Aging decreases a woman's chances of having a baby in the following ways:

The ability of a woman's ovaries to release eggs ready for fertilization declines with age.

The health of a woman's eggs declines with age.

As a woman ages she is more likely to have health problems that can interfere with fertility.

As a women ages, her risk of having a miscarriage increases.

How long should women try to get pregnant before calling their doctors?

Most healthy women under the age of 30 shouldn't worry about infertility unless they've been trying to get pregnant for at least a year. At this point, women should talk to their doctors about a fertility evaluation. Men should also talk to their doctors if this much time has passed.

In some cases, women should talk to their doctors sooner. Women in their 30s who've been trying to get pregnant for six months should speak to their doctors as soon as possible. A woman's chances of having a baby decrease rapidly every year after the age of 30. So getting a complete and timely fertility evaluation is especially important.

Some health issues also increase the risk of fertility problems. So women with the following issues should speak to their doctors as soon as possible:

irregular periods or no menstrual periods

very painful periods

endometriosis

pelvic inflammatory disease

more than one miscarriage

No matter how old you are, it's always a good idea to talk to a doctor before you start trying to get pregnant. Doctors can help you prepare your body for a healthy baby. They can also answer questions on fertility and give tips on conceiving.

How will doctors find out if a woman and her partner have fertility problems?

Sometimes doctors can find the cause of a couple's infertility by doing a complete fertility evaluation. This process usually begins with physical exams and health and sexual histories. If there are no obvious problems, like poorly timed intercourse or absence of ovulation, tests will be needed.

Finding the cause of infertility is often a long, complex and emotional process. It can take months for you and your doctor to complete all the needed exams and tests. So don't be alarmed if the problem is not found right away.

For a man, doctors usually begin by testing his semen. They look at the number, shape, and movement of the sperm. Sometimes doctors also suggest testing the level of a man's hormones.

For a woman, the first step in testing is to find out if she is ovulating each month. There are several ways to do this. A woman can track her ovulation at home by:

recording changes in her morning body temperature (basal body temperature) for several months

recording the texture of her cervical mucus for several months

using a home ovulation test kit (available at drug or grocery stores)

Doctors can also check if a woman is ovulating by doing blood tests and an ultrasound of the ovaries. If the woman is ovulating normally, more tests are needed.

Some common tests of fertility in women include:

Hysterosalpingography: In this test, doctors use x-rays to check for physical problems of the uterus and fallopian tubes. They start by injecting a special dye through the vagina into the uterus. This dye shows up on the x-ray. This allows the doctor to see if the dye moves normally through the uterus into the fallopian tubes. With these x-rays doctors can find blockages that may be causing infertility. Blockages can prevent the egg from moving from the fallopian tube to the uterus. Blockages can also keep the sperm from reaching the egg.

Laparoscopy: During this surgery doctors use a tool called a laparoscope to see inside the abdomen. The doctor makes a small cut in the lower abdomen and inserts the laparoscope. Using the laparoscope, doctors check the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus for disease and physical problems. Doctors can usually find scarring and endometriosis by laparoscopy.

How do doctors treat infertility?

Infertility can be treated with medicine, surgery, artificial insemination or assisted reproductive technology. Many times these treatments are combined. About two-thirds of couples who are treated for infertility are able to have a baby. In most cases infertility is treated with drugs or surgery.

Doctors recommend specific treatments for infertility based on:

test results

how long the couple has been trying to get pregnant

the age of both the man and woman

the overall health of the partners

preference of the partners

Doctors often treat infertility in men in the following ways:

Sexual problems: If the man is impotent or has problems with premature ejaculation, doctors can help him address these issues. Behavioral therapy and/or medicines can be used in these cases.

Too few sperm: If the man produces too few sperm, sometimes surgery can correct this problem. In other cases, doctors can surgically remove sperm from the male reproductive tract. Antibiotics can also be used to clear up infections affecting sperm count.

Various fertility medicines are often used to treat women with ovulation problems. It is important to talk with your doctor about the pros and cons of these medicines. You should understand the risks, benefits, and side effects.

Doctors also use surgery to treat some causes of infertility. Problems with a woman's ovaries, fallopian tubes, or uterus can sometimes be corrected with surgery.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is another type of treatment for infertility. IUI is known by most people as artificial insemination. In this procedure, the woman is injected with specially prepared sperm. Sometimes the woman is also treated with medicines that stimulate ovulation before IUI.

IUI is often used to treat:

mild male factor infertility

women who have problems with their cervical mucus

couples with unexplained infertility

What medicines are used to treat infertility in women?

Some common medicines used to treat infertility in women include:

Clomiphene citrate (Clomid): This medicine causes ovulation by acting on the pituitary gland. It is often used in women who have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or other problems with ovulation. This medicine is taken by mouth.

Human menopausal gonadotropin or hMG (Repronex, Pergonal): This medicine is often used for women who don't ovulate due to problems with their pituitary gland. hMG acts directly on the ovaries to stimulate ovulation. It is an injected medicine.

Follicle-stimulating hormone or FSH (Gonal-F, Follistim): FSH works much like hMG. It causes the ovaries to begin the process of ovulation. These medicines are usually injected.

Gonadotropin-releasing hormone (Gn-RH) analog: These medicines are often used for women who don't ovulate regularly each month. Women who ovulate before the egg is ready can also use these medicines. Gn-RH analogs act on the pituitary gland to change when the body ovulates. These medicines are usually injected or given with a nasal spray.

Metformin (Glucophage): Doctors use this medicine for women who have insulin resistance and/or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This drug helps lower the high levels of male hormones in women with these conditions. This helps the body to ovulate. Sometimes clomiphene citrate or FSH is combined with metformin. This medicine is usually taken by mouth.

Bromocriptine (Parlodel): This medicine is used for women with ovulation problems due to high levels of prolactin. Prolactin is a hormone that causes milk production.

Many fertility drugs increase a woman's chance of having twins, triplets or other multiples. Women who are pregnant with multiple fetuses have more problems during pregnancy. Multiple fetuses have a high risk of being born too early (prematurely). Premature babies are at a higher risk of health and developmental problems.

What is assisted reproductive technology (ART)?

Assisted reproductive technology (ART) is a term that describes several different methods used to help infertile couples. ART involves removing eggs from a woman's body, mixing them with sperm in the laboratory and putting the embryos back into a woman's body.

How often is assisted reproductive technology (ART) successful?

Success rates vary and depend on many factors. Some things that affect the success rate of ART include:

age of the partners

reason for infertility

clinic

type of ART

if the egg is fresh or frozen

if the embryo is fresh or frozen

The U.S. Centers for Disease Prevention (CDC) collects success rates on ART for some fertility clinics. According to the 2003 CDC report on ART, the average percentage of ART cycles that led to a healthy baby were as follows:

37.3% in women under the age of 35

30.2% in women aged 35-37

20.2% in women aged 37-40

11.0% in women aged 41-42

ART can be expensive and time-consuming. But it has allowed many couples to have children that otherwise would not have been conceived. The most common complication of ART is multiple fetuses. But this is a problem that can be prevented or minimized in several different ways.

What are the different types of assisted reproductive technology (ART)?

Common methods of ART include:

In vitro fertilization (IVF) means fertilization outside of the body. IVF is the most effective ART. It is often used when a woman's fallopian tubes are blocked or when a man produces too few sperm. Doctors treat the woman with a drug that causes the ovaries to produce multiple eggs. Once mature, the eggs are removed from the woman. They are put in a dish in the lab along with the man's sperm for fertilization. After 3 to 5 days, healthy embryos are implanted in the woman's uterus.

Zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT) or Tubal Embryo Transfer is similar to IVF. Fertilization occurs in the laboratory. Then the very young embryo is transferred to the fallopian tube instead of the uterus.

Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) involves transferring eggs and sperm into the woman's fallopian tube. So fertilization occurs in the woman's body. Few practices offer GIFT as an option.

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is often used for couples in which there are serious problems with the sperm. Sometimes it is also used for older couples or for those with failed IVF attempts. In ICSI, a single sperm is injected into a mature egg. Then the embryo is transferred to the uterus or fallopian tube.

ART procedures sometimes involve the use of donor eggs (eggs from another woman), donor sperm, or previously frozen embryos. Donor eggs are sometimes used for women who can not produce eggs. Also, donor eggs or donor sperm is sometimes used when the woman or man has a genetic disease that can be passed on to the baby.

For more information...

You can find out more about infertility by contacting the National Women's Health Information Center (NWHIC) at 1-800-994-9662 or the following organizations:

Food and Drug Administration (FDA)

Phone Number(s): (888) 463-6332

Internet Address: http://www.fda.gov

American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) Resource Center

Phone Number(s): (800) 762-2264

Internet Address: http://www.acog.org

American Society for Reproductive Medicine

Phone Number(s): (205) 978-5000

Internet Address: http://www.asrm.org/

Resolve: The National Infertility Association

Phone Number(s): (888) 623-0744

Internet Address: http://www.resolve.org

InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, Inc.

Phone Number(s): (703) 379-9178

Internet Address: http://www.inciid.org/

All material contained in the FAQs is free of copyright restrictions, and may be copied, reproduced, or duplicated without permission of the Office on Women's Health in the Department of Health and Human Services; citation of the source is appreciated.

-----------------------------------

Reviewed by:

Mory Nouriani, MD

Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine

Glendale, CA

Just wanted to share some useful "Infertility 101" type information from a reliable source, and launch a discussion of pros & cons, from the "been-there, done-that" crowd.

From your personal perspective: what are the advantages and disadvantages of fertility treatment vs. adoption, for the benefit of those newbies out there who may still be in the early stages of trying to decide which way to go?

[varnavi]

We went the fertility route for years. We agreed to try IVF/ICSI one time and go for as many frozens as were left. Pregnant, miscarriage, end of story, well that part of the story!

Fast forward 4 months! We became parents to this INCREDIBLE little boy----OUR SON!!! We love him in every way and he is our son in every way possible. I can't imagine having our family in any other way and I can't imagine loving him more than I do. We are a family. Now 3 years later we are starting our journey to bring what we think is our final child into our lives!

When we decided on IVF we were debating on adoption or IVF. I was fully ready to just go for adoption. I wanted to be a family and family is not biology. We just wanted to make sure that we gave everything a try and not have any regrets. Sometimes I wonder if I regret even trying IVF. I have to say that I don't because we went through so many emotions and trials and learning experiences. I would not be the person, the wife, nor the mother that I am today if I had not experienced those things.

With that said would I try any fertility again? NOT A CHANCE!! Even if someone came and said that I had a 100% chance of getting preganant and having a healthy child I would say no way. The thing is that with adoption it is a 100% for sure thing that you will be a family in the end. My family is formed through adoption and that is an incredible thing.

The other day I was driving and saw a sign advertising a local fertility clinic. My immediate response was to get almost nauseated. It was just a sign to give so many people hope when they are in such dispair. When we ended our fertility route it was so liberating. I have read others feel it lifts such a huge burden off their shoulders. That sign made me sad because so many are in the middle of such pain and hurt. It was also neat because I could look and say that part of my life is gone. It is a chapter that has ended and that pain is in the past. It does not control me any more and that is a very powerful thing!

As I am writing this one of our friends from church has a daughter that went through infertility. She and her hubby had miscarriage after miscarriage. They decided on adoption and their son was placed with them a few months after our son was born. They did not give up on a biological child and continiued fertility treatments and still had miscarriages. Then they got pregnant after more treatment and had twins very prematurely and the mother is fighting for her life. It is so sad that they are in this place and it is so sad that they could not let go.

For anyone considering adoption I would have to say try what you feel is right on the fertility route. You need to be able to let it go and not have any regrets. Fertility treatments are expensive and so is adoption. They both are very emotional and the ups and downs are wild. Adoption does not give you long term health issues (maybe a few more gray hairs!). Fertility treatments can lead to family. ADOPTION DOES LEAD TO FAMILY!!!! Family is what it is all about, not biology.

Lisa V

[tksimmons02]

We entered the fertility maze well informed and already decided where our boundaries would be. We knew what treatments were available and which ones we would consider and which ones we wouldn't.

We have unexplained infertility (VERY FRUSTRATING). We were told for YEARS that as soon as we adopted we would get pregnant (even our Social Worker told us that). It held us up from adopting for at least 3 years as we continued to wade through the cesspool of infertility.

For us, the hormones just weren't acceptable. The breaking point came when I started crying hysterically (very uncharacteristic) and told my loving husband "I hate you and worse I HATE ME! I HATE THE WAY I FEEL!" He very calmly looked at me and said "Then we are finished with this junk. Let's find an agency." I have never felt more relieved in my life.

Four months later we found Abrazo. Three months later we were holding our precious daughter.

Would I consider infertility treatment again? Absolutely NOT. I cannot imagine loving my daughter any more. The after effects of fertility treatments are still around (my monthly hormones swings are much worse than they were before...but getting better). I am glad we stopped when we did. I am thankful we never experienced a miscarrage. I am thankful I never took daily shots. I am BLESSED to have a precious daughter.

If you are considering adoption, I say just go for it. If you are already considering it means you are having doubts about your treatment options. Don't let the doctors push you farther than you want to go (they make a lot of $$$ out of our desperation). Family is not about biology, it is about love.

Edited July 12, 2006 by tksimmons02

[Guest BeachMama]

We chose to forego any fertility treatments and go directly to adoption. When we married, we knew that invasive methods would be necessary to conceive. We decided to wait two years (spending them in newlywedded bliss) and then get started on treatment. After those two years were over, and after many conversations on what the outcomes might be, we realized that all we really wanted was to be parents - the genetics didn't matter at all.

I am particularly thankful that we made this decision now that we are now more than 9 months into our adoption journey. I have made some incredible friends online who have been throgh every IF treatment imaginable, yet still remained childless. All they were left with was debt, sorrow, and both physical and emotional pain that at some level will last them a lifetime, even though they have now moved on and adopted.

I usually like to do things the hard way and learn from my own experiences, but this time I am very happy to say that I saw what was out there and what others had been through and was able to say ADOPTION IS THE WAY!

Edited July 12, 2006 by BeachMama

[tluther]

I have so many thoughts on this topic. But to be perfectly honest. whether you choose fertility treatments or adoption, it such a personal decision at that particular moment in your life.

If you had told me 8 years ago that my husband and I wanted to be parents. We would have laughed at you.

If you would have told me 6 years ago that we would actually "try" to get pregnant. Again we would have laughed at you.

If you told me 4 years ago that we would actually attempt fertility treatments......still laughing!

If you had told me 2 years ago we would were going to adopt.......still laughing.

1 year ago (yes 1) -- if you had told me that we were going to adopt a girl --- I'm sad to say that we wouldn't have been laughing.......

THANK goodness God knows what I need way better than I do. We (Joe and I) wouldn't be the people and the parents that we are without going thru all that we did. God had a lot of work to do on us to change our hearts. And boy did He ever come through for us. We are so in love with our little girl and can't imagine what we did without her in our lives!

Edited July 12, 2006 by tluther

[MFTMOM]

I wholeheartedly agree. There were a lot of people in our lives who thought that we should have pursued infertility treatments longer, and many of those said some type of "I told you so" when we got pregnant later. What I have said in return is that this is how we were meant to become parents and this is the family that was meant to be. I cannot imagine my life without either of my children and I am glad that we took the path that we did.

Some of my friends have taken a different path and become parents through fertility treatments, still others have decided that if they do not become pregnant that they will not parent... I think that each person has to make their own decision and that their families are just as beautiful whether they remain as two (if they want to), or grow through IVF or adoption.

Bobbi

[DrMom]

When we got married we planned to have several children - 3 or 4 - or who knows, maybe more - and we also planned to adopt some of them. It never occurred to me that after so many years of running in fear from one single sperm (remember those health class movies?) that I would be unable to conceive! All our friends had babies - several who were teachers planned to have them over summer break - and did just that.

So we did some fertility treatments. No luck. Then decided to adopt. Had the baby for 3 days when the mom changed her mind and decided to parent. Decided to be child free. Revisited all decisions when my biological clock was about to stop running (plus there had been some medical advances) and decided we really really did want children after all. So ... still no luck with biology - when it came time to consider IVF we looked at the odds of success and costs - and said "What are we doing here? What is our goal?" and that goal was to be parents and have a family -- so we called Abrazo in December, attended a February 21st parents weekend, and 2 weeks later were the proud parents of a baby girl!

Adoption is not for everyone. Fertility treatments are not for everyone. There are costs and benefits to both. And sorting those out is both extremely easy, and at the same time the most difficult thing! My advice to those trying to decide is this: What is your ultimate goal? Then decide the road you want to take to get there - neither road is easy - both lead to a very rewarding end - parenthood.

Different Trips to the Same Place

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait--and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!" After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat." "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

[cdgni]

It's funny that this topic came up because 2 days ago I called my RE to say THANK YOU. I guess it's because it was successful that I feel this way. She's 7 years old, but I can still remember the hunger for a child. The arms aching to not rock a baby. I am so very, very thankful that I have a daughter. Now I want another one. But that's a different story.

Any thought about donor insemination children? I ask because that's my daughter. I don't know the father. (But what a treat he must have been because I've got a real good one on my hands!)

Her cousin (age 8) said to her "You werern't born the way others were." Now obviously he doesn't quite understand all the details either but we are now addressing the issues of what DI means. She knows that I really wanted a baby and I went to a special doctor who helped me get pg. I've used the words sperm, and egg with her, but I haven't gone into detail. I suppose now is a good time- but she's only 7- does she have to grow up that much so soon!

Any suggestions on what I might want to add? I think I'm going to buy the book A child is born and it shows abit more about the fertility issues- ie the petri dish where the eggs and sperm meet to become embroy's.

Back to the initial questiion- I think longing for a baby and getting the baby regardless of whether it's adopted or birthed is the same answer to prayer. Love starts with the baby in your mind and then in your arms. Not necessarily with it in the uterous.

Cathy

[Dale and Amanda]

We have always planned to adopt to grow our family. It has been something I have wanted to do pretty much ever since I can remember. We found out last year that I had medical conditions that would keep me from carrying a pregnancy to full-term. I was devastated, but I believe that God had been preparing me for that for many years. I handled it and started moving on with my life. Then around Mother's Day this year I got MAD!!! Why had God given me such a strong desire to be a mommy only to take that hope away from me? I hadn't taken the time to grieve that part of the loss. These forums have helped me to see that we absolutely want to parent...who gives birth is secondary for us.

All I can say is I am so thankful for a God big enough to take my anger. I fell away from church for a while. I had friends continuing to pray. I am so grateful to say that He has mended that part of my heart and has placed many people from my past in my adoption path. Last night at Hearts for Adoption (for those in Memphis) it was shared how much of a faith-building exercise adoption can be. Anyone who knows me can attest that I accomplish pretty much anything I set my mind to. The thing with adoption is, I don't have any control. Talk about having to walk in faith!

As for when to say when? For us there hasn't been much reason for treatment. If I get were to get pregnant, I have little to no chance of making it to term. My doctor has strongly suggested treatment that would result in sterilization. I haven't taken him up on that just yet as the med works for me.

Thank you so much for all the encouragement on here. Bravo to the Abrazochicks for creating this forum. Whether we end up accepted by Abrazo or not, I truly appreciate your heart and your passion for creating families!!!

[Lauren&Chuck]

It is funny... we had gone through the whole spectrum prior to coming to orientation, and really thought we were 100% ready to walk away from infertility. I'll confess, we thought we might end up turning back to fertility for our 2nd child, once we were back in the US. But we knew we wanted a child, and I've NEVER felt the need to be pregnant in order to be a mom. Like a lot of other people, Chuck and I discussed adoption from almost the outset of our relationship. I had a feeling that I'd have trouble getting pregnant, and was open with him about that, and he was always very supportive about the adoption option.

As those of you in the Fish group heard, we had a comedy of errors in our fertility treatments, because all of them were done in Italy. (Lack of privacy, while the funniest part of the story, was the least of our troubles!). When everyone was telling their stories at orientation, and it came to our turn, I joked around about the stuff that had happened... but we were realizing even then that our story just didn't feel finished. When Elizabeth asked me what my biggest fear is, I wasn't expecting to say what ended up popping out of my mouth-- that my biggest fear was that we ended the fertility side of things too soon.

Chuck and I did a lot of soul searching that weekend, and decided together that we wanted to wade back into the fertility side of things. I think knowing, without a doubt, that Abrazo was waiting, and was such a legitimate option, gave me the stregnth to step back into it. So we're heading back to the US sometime in 07 for a round of treatments (they say IUI would be sufficient, but since I have to spend a full month in the US no matter what we do, and IVF has such a higher rate of success given my background... we're going to do IVF). I said I'd never go down that road... but I know I have my Abrazo/Fish family support, and that makes it all much easier to deal with. And if it doesn't work, you all are proof positive of how wonderful life can be with adoption!!

Lauren

[karen&scott]

Thanks Amanda and Lauren for your honesty. There are no easy answers, one's journey must be fulfilled before we can start a new one.

Which is exactly how some of us are led to adoption, through our heartaches, through our losses of what we hoped for, our biological first family, through wanting to be parents, believing it is possible.

Open adoption keeps us in touch with our first loss through the relationship we build with our child's birthfamily. Birthparents help us to see into our future, becoming parents through adoption. You see, they too mourn the loss of thier first biological family through placing, thereby fulfilling our dream of parenting. Doesn't seem fair? But it works because we are all here for the right reasons, to find our family. We both know loss, we understand the pain, we are here for each other.

Best of luck to you both.

Karen

[Elaine]

We have always planned to adopt to grow our family. It has been something I have wanted to do pretty much ever since I can remember. We found out last year that I had medical conditions that would keep me from carrying a pregnancy to full-term. I was devastated, but I believe that God had been preparing me for that for many years. I handled it and started moving on with my life.

Amanda,

When I read the words you had written I felt as though I could have started my "story " out the same way. I probably have posted something similar to that somewhere on the forum.

I, like you, always (and I mean from early childhood) knew I would adopt a child. I wasn't sure from where I would adopt them or how many children I would parent...but I knew I would adopt.

I truly believe God planted those "adoption seeds" in my heart while I was still a child. He nurtured those seeds until they were healthy and strong enough to fulfill His purpose.

When I was told I had PCOS I really wasn't that shocked. I knew something was "wrong" with my body as I had been experiencing an unpleasant host of symptoms for a few years. It was almost a relief to get the diagnosis. Having a name to go with what I was feeling was actually a comfort.

Almost immediately upon my diagnosis I had a "lightbulb moment". Suddenly, twenty plus years of thinking about adoption made sense. God knew I would have fertility struggles long before I even knew what that meant. He opened my heart at a tender age and gave me the acceptance to become a mother through adoption.

As curious as I am about what pregnancy feels like...I do feel that Makayla (the daughter we adopted as an infant) is as much "mine" as any biological daughter could be. Why God chose to bring Makayla through our birthmom's tummy instead of mine...I don't know. That is one of life's great mysteries that keeps things interesting. It doesn't make me angry...it just gives me something to ponder.

I am in awe of God's plan. He is the giver of great gifts. He has given me the greatest gift of all! Mickey and I are very thankful!!!

Elaine

[MarceloandClaudia]

I feel like I have grieved infertility as healthy as you can. I have many days where I feel no need to ever explore those options again, and yet there are times that I think about if we did? I guess because, I don't ever want to close any door completely knowing that there is a plan and it's not for me to to decide what it is. I kinda have chosen to go with the flow of life...........

Claudia

[tksimmons02]

Claudia,

Thank you so much for your candor. I completely agree. Most of the time I don't ever want to think about fertility treatments again, but I do have my moments when I wonder "what if..." It makes me feel much better to know that I am not the only adoptive mom that still thinks that.

I think we (as couples that have struggled with infertility) know better than most that God is completely in control of this decision. We can plan all we want to, but God will decide. I feel comfort and peace knowing that I don't have the final say. It is easier for me to rest in His guidance and let him take control of the whole situation. If I get pregnant GREAT! If not, I will be calling Abrazo again in about 2 years. Either way, we will expand our family with a precious child that couldn't be more loved.

[linlacor]

Lauren,

I just knew when you and I talked and when you shared with our group your infertility journey that you guys weren't ready to shut that door. I so hoped that you both would realize it and I felt such relief when you shared that you guys had decided not to pursue adoption at this time. I think there is a reason you were called back to the fertility treatments again, and whether or not they result in a child, you need to do this, in order to move forward with your plans to have a family (in my opinion). I am so, so, so happy to have met you on this forum and in our Orientation Group and I am feel so blessed that you are still with us all on our journeys and we are with you on yours. I will jump for joy when I receive the news that you are a mother (or are on your way to becoming a mother) and whether your child shares a biological connection with you or not, I know you will be the absolute best, most loving, most accepting mom in the world! That's just the kind of person you are. I think adoption has so many ups and downs and twists and turns and unknowns (and the list just goes on and on and on) that if you have not closed the door to infertility treatments, then those highs and lows can just be too much to bear and can cause too many doubts and what-ifs. I think to be able to embrace adoption as one needs to do in order to go through whatever obstacles come up on the journey, one needs to feel in their hearts that this is just part of the path to becoming parents - it is the only path, so you just learn to take each low with grace and celebrate each high - and you get really comfortable with those twists and turns. I think, if someone hasn't reached that point (where they feel they may have some unfinished business with the fertility doctors), then that adoption journey can be much rougher than it is for someone who knows this is just what they have to endure in order to become parents (because the alternative would mean to remain childless).

So anyway, I am rooting you on and I truly hope you and Chuck are successful in your IVF attempt(s) and that if you aren't, you are blessed with an amazing doctor who can help guide you (whether that be through more aggressive treatments (although IVF (which is what we did) is about as aggressive as it gets) or through other alternatives (surrogate, donor whatever's) or back to Abrazo to meet the child who wasn't ready for you yet when you graduated from our Orientation in September. We did IVF twice - the first time, with a doctor here in Texas - we were never guided or helped or consulted with - the receptionist told us we weren't pregnant over the phone and no follow-up appointment was ever recommended or made. It definitely felt to us that the door was still open (well, more to Lance than me - the entire experience was enough to turn me off mother-hood for the next 10 years!). When we arrived in Seattle, we located another specialist and did another IVF - this time, we had been led to an amazing doctor (she was a female) who was so compassionate and caring and when we learned we weren't pregnant (which was through a very sympathetic and kind nurse), we were asked to schedule a follow-up appointment to speak with the doctor. We went through everything with her and she recommended to us at that time that we may want to consider another means of building our family - that we just weren't good candidates for IVF because I didn't respond well (I "only" made 14 eggs, of which, only 7 made it past 24 hours and of those, only 3 fertilized and those that did, were not very good quality.) She is the one who recommended adoption to us and that just felt "right". It felt, at that time that we had gone as far as we could go and to continue would be a pointless and emotionally wrenching exercise. I am so grateful to her for giving us the closure we needed to move forward with adoption with the type of mind-set we had - I honestly have never (other than very recently & very fleeting but I think that was just me realizing that I'm now 35 and I'm no longer in that "healthy, abundant" egg age anymore) wondered if we should have tried harder or more with infertility treatments.

Anyway, my friend - I am so happy to hear you're going to give it another shot and I am wishing you the best possible outcome! Here's some baby dust coming your way

Lisa

[tluther]

Thank you so much for your candor. I completely agree. Most of the time I don't ever want to think about fertility treatments again, but I do have my moments when I wonder "what if..." It makes me feel much better to know that I am not the only adoptive mom that still thinks that.

Tina,

Wanna hear something crazy? Once we decided on adoption, I said I was completely done with keeping track of the monthly cycle. And I really did. I was so done with it all. Now since I don't keep track whatsoever, I never know when my friend may be coming for a visit. So, at least every month or every other month, I think to myself "I bet I'm pregnant". And I'm not sad or disappointed when my friend comes, I'm just amazed that I still even think that. I guess "it" never completely goes away. But I now feel so much more trusting of God's plan -- whatever that may be.