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When To Say When?


MotherGoose

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For us, it was when things no longer felt right for us. We had gotten to a point that we were each avoiding the issue. It was a tense subject between us. Starting adoption proceedings was such a relief for us! Now that was something that felt right!!

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Guest memlarryboy

My wife and I both love children and for us it was a more of the desire to be parents rather than, for lack of a better phrase, have our "own" children. We tried fertility treatments as much as we wanted to and knew that "it was time to move on" when the thought of having a family through adoption seemed more of a reality then starting our family through endless rounds of fertility treatments. Amazingly, we have lots of friends and even family members that are having difficulty conceiving. Each couple has to decide for themselves what is the next step in family planning, but from experience, I can tell you without a doubt that choosing adoption has made our lives much happier and a lot less stressful.

(Edited by memlarryboy at 9:04 am on Jan. 24, 2001)

(Edited by memlarryboy at 9:05 am on Jan. 24, 2001)

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I think you will know when the right time is for you.  We felt like we were doing the same infertility treatments month after month and when we pushed it one step further to in vitro, we knew that there was going to have to be an end to it eventually.  So we searched our hearts and realized that we just wanted to be parents and that adoption was a wonderful way for that to happen.  We truely feel that we have been blessed with the child that God intended for us.  If you would have told me that when we were going through infertility, I would have said that it was impossible.  Have Faith and you will know when the time is right and when you have dealt with all the pain and loss of infertility.

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My advice is to start researching adoption even if you haven't made up your mind to adopt- the idea grows on you quickly when you realize that you will regain a sense of control in your lives - no more hormone treatments, shots, dreading the start of your cycle, etc.. You can even have spontaneous sex again and not worry about those silly ovulation days!!   Once we  came to terms with our infertility and started  considering adoption, we felt a huge sense of relief.

We have now started a wonderful relationship with our birthmother and feel that open adoption was meant for us all along!

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  • 2 weeks later...

We were tired of going to the doctors taking all the different medicines and shots. Timing this timing that. I don't even want to think about those days. It was also putting a lot of stress on our relationship. We wanted to take control of our lives again. We knew that God must have wanted us to be a part of a childs life even if it was not from our genes. And we wanted to become parents. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl in 1999 who we love very much. Like someone said above you yourself will know when you are ready to move on. Good Luck to you and God Bless........................

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  • 3 months later...
Guest cathy

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 13 years.  I have lost 7 pregnancies, had 4 abd. surgeries, 4 years of fertility tx's including 3 IVF attempts.  I had my first miscarriage 2 months after my wedding, and also had numerous ectopics. I actually had 3 ectopics stuck in my tubes at the same time.  The doc said that it would have been triplets.  I had all the pregnancies "on my own" with no help, and then when the medical establishment tries to help it doesn't work.  I think that it is actually worse to have been pregnant and know what it feels like and then loose it, than to have never been pregnant at all.  We did adopt 9.5 years ago, before we ever even tried fertility tx's, as we knew we just wanted to be parents and did not want our adopted son from Peru to feel like he was a second choice.  We wanted him to know that we adopted before we tried the tx's  I also knew that if the txs did not work that I had a beautiful son at home.  This is the opposite of what the "experts" say.  You are supposed to totally resolve your fertility issues before you adopt and are never supposed to pursue the two at the same time.  I have to say, I do know quite a few couples who went ahead and adopted even though they still had frozen embryo's left to try.  I think what finally did it to me was the last IVF was so incredibly painful and the clinic "goofed" and damaged several eggs doing the retrieval.  Also it was frustrating to make #1 embryos's and having it not work and noone can tell you why the heck it is not working.  I must be honest to say that although I am now moving on, the infertility will always be there to pop up now and then...for example when I see a pregant women etc....but I am acutally to the point where I am very happy for them and try to help them in anyway.  It took awhile for me to get to that point.  I have chronic pelvic pain aslo from the adhesions from the 4 surgeries and the hormones from IVF caused me the develop endometriosis which is also painful.  This last and 4th ectopic was terrible and it nearly killed me.  Thats when I also send enough is enough.  I also feel that adopting our second  and very wanted child will help to bring closure to 13 years of "fertility humility".  It is not easy, hang in there!  

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  • 1 year later...
Guest familylove

Hi –

I just joined, so thank you in advance for letting me chat with all of you!!!  

I am a little confused and I was hoping that some of you might have a suggestion or two for my husband and me.  

Here’s our story….  We found out 3 months ago that we couldn’t have children naturally, so I immediately went down the obvious road to parenting which is adoption.  My cousin has three beautiful babies through open adoption and is a huge advocate of this route.  I was and still am a little hesitant of the domestic route because I don’t know if I can handle the emotional roller coaster (or perceived ride) that can occur prior to having a baby become ours.  Anyway, I knew my hesitations would be mitigated during the orientation meeting so we were all ready to move forward with the application.  Well, two weeks ago we got notice that there might be a medical option for us through a form of IVF.  Now, we have a dilemma.  Can we move forward with the medical route, which is a very low probability, and more forward with domestic open adoption?  I don't think we can, so we are now researching international adoption.  We don’t want to wait the medical route out because we really want to start our family. The medical route is enticing because it is covered by insurance and seems like it could be easier from an emotional/financial perspective...but it could delay the goal of having a family.

I know I’m confused and would love to hear some advice.  Thanks for your support and consideration!

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okay.. maybe i am confused but let me get this straight...

you were on the road to open domestic adoption when you found out invotro might be an option and now you want international...

i am very confused.. or maybe i am just way to tired today...

but why are you disregaurding the domestic open adoption route... are you worried about having it work out(just as your cousin's and many here have had) or are you more worried about the idea of "open' and "relationships' with your birthfamily?.. because as i understand it most iinternational adoptions are not in ANY way open and you rarely get 100% of the knowledge (medical, personal or family history) you could get with a domestic open one.. plus are you ready to have your child ask about 'where they came from' and you to have a safe answer in the answer being that they are from a "far away land"? This sounds like you might need to decide the pro's and con's on each option...

i am with you on the invitro procedure tho.. most of the people i know have not had good luck or have had terrible nerve racking decisions on wheather to "keep' all embryos or to "hope" they just get one or two healthy ones... and thats a heart ache i wish on no one...

so think hard about what your child will want to know about their family history.. not only for medical reasons but for emotional ones too...

good luck in your journey.. and may God bless you in whatever decision you make

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We've been through infertility and the treatments that go along with it.  We investigated domestic vs. international adoption.  To us the benefits of domestic outweighed international (some may disagree).  We've had a very successful open adoption experience, and are currently on our second journey.  Now this is just my opinion but here's what I think.  Open adoption can be a roller coaster ride.  Believe me we know that first hand.  But if you think IVF will not be a roller coaster ride you are kidding yourself.  It is very emotional and risky.  And from our experience the odds just aren't that great.  Adoption is pretty much a sure thing if you stick out the ride.  Just ask anyone at Abrazo and they'll tell you, "It's not if, but when."  If it's the openness and the communication with birthfamilies you're worried about let me asure you that it is the most wonderful thing.  We have a beautiful relationship with our son's birthmother and consider her a very blessed part of our family, not a threat.  And by the way, Abrazo does a beautiful job of educating adoptive families about open adoption.  It really is a blessing for all involved, adoptive parents, birthparents and the child.  

With that being said it really is a personal choice.  I think it's good to ask for advice/opinions from others.  Hearing from those that have been there-done sometimes gives us perspective.  Good luck on your journey to parenthood!  The ride may be bumpy, but the rewards are SWEET!

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:D  Hi Familylove,

Welcome to the forum!  (I just love it when we get new posters...no offense to the current posters but it's always so cool to meet new people and get different perspectives).

For us, we found out we had male factor infertility (I'm sure my husband just loves it when I share that with everyone...oh well! ) and we learned that the only chance we had of conceiving was through In-Vitro using ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection - it's where they isolate one sperm and inject it into the egg - almost fail-proof at making fertilization happen, they use it a lot when you have male factor with low motility).  We knew we had to try in-vitro first, even though we were also discussing adoption.  We were afraid we'd always wonder "what-if" if we didn't try ivf.  (And our insurance didn't cover it & it was $7K each time but fortunately my husband's employer reimbursed us $3K each year so technically, we were only out of pocket 4K each go.  Anyway - I was really hopeful - I heard so many positive things about ivf & when you start down that path, you have a way of seeking out the success stories so I felt really positive & even wondered what it would be like w/twins (we'd planned to put back 2 embryos)  I thought I was prepared for bad news too because so often you hear that it takes 2 or 3 times before it works - it's like that 1st time is just for your doctor to get to know you & your system and get the meds just right.  However, when I learned I wasn't pregnant, it was crushing news.  I wasn't at all prepared for how I felt, even though I kept telling myself it's not a big deal if it doesn't work & we'd just try again.  

For us, there is no such thing as having the attitude "just try another ivf again"  and I bet we're not the only ones.  What I felt mostly was anger - anger at those embryos for not implanting (strange person to take my anger out on I know...) I also felt intense jealously of anyone I saw &/or knew who was pregnant or who had a baby  I just wanted a baby soooo much!  It felt so unfair - these emotions I wasn't prepared for.  So, we decided to just move on and try again next year then, when it came closer to that time, I had 2nd thoughts and thought about giving up until I was 40 and maybe going to law school or something.  We talked about adoption again but had already decided that we really needed to try ivf twice before we gave up on it altogether (hindsight!! ).  Finally, I decided I just couldn't wait any longer so we tried ivf again - this time with a different infertility clinic with better stats and a more aggressive program (we put 3 embryos back this time).  So, we did it again - I really didn't feel very hopeful with that one and sure enough - it was negative (all this time, I participated on a yahoo ivf group and that kept what hopes I had up because it seemed like it was working for everyone on there!!    When that one was negative, I knew I couldn't go through with it again.  There was no way I was going to let something control my life so much (that's how I felt - it seemed like the medications, the shots, the schedules, the doctor's appointments, the waiting.....yuck! all of it just had so much control over me and my husband and our lives - we hated that! )  So, we contacted Abrazo and 5 months later, I'm a mom!  (and 2 weeks after getting our homestudy totally complete!;)  

While doing our adoption, I never for one second felt unhappy or discouraged or anything like I felt when we were doing ivf.  Yes, we had a huge rollercoaster once we learned about Kayleigh (read my stories if you're looking for a novel to read, they're under "Joyous Journeys" then "Lance & Lisa's Beautiful Daughter Kayleigh" but it was all positive energy - not bitter, resentful feelings (of course, we never experienced a disrupted adoption plan or disrupted adoption so I'm probably not the best person to comment on how that goes).

I don't know what to tell you is the right thing to do.  The fact that your insurancr covers the ivf is definitely an advantage (although ivf isn't just about the expense side either - it can just be a devastating experience, the side-effects of the huge amounts of hormones you inject into your body is so bad - I was totally not myself, I became very depressed & insecure and I kept trying to tell myself it's just the meds but somehow that didn't make my dramatic personality shift change back to normal & it didn't make dealing with it any better either).  IVF can work, there's no doubt about that (a lady from my new mommy class that Kayleigh & I are taking has twin boys who are 6 wks old and they are the result of 10 years of infertility treatments, 5 ivfs & they're the 21st & 22nd embryos she had frozen.  There are even some success stories where it works the 1st or 2nd time but usually, it takes more than that (then, there are people like my very, very good friend who did something like 4 or 5 IUIs and 2 or 3 IVFs and began to consider egg donation then they decided that they just wanted to be parents - that's what was important to them so they adopted their beautiful, gorgeous, happy son (they even were there for his birth) and he turned 1 year old this past September - he is her pride and joy as Kayleigh is mine - Kayleigh is just the best thing that ever happened to me.  I can't even describe how wonderful it feels to be a mom and of course, this is totally hindsight but if I had things to do all over again, I probably wouldn't even try the IVF in the first place (although it's hard to say - you never know what you're going to do in a situation until you're actually faced with it).  I guess we were meant to go the routes we went because otherwise, Kayleigh wouldn't be with us and she is so meant for us and us for her so it's all a happy ending after all.

Hope you find the support you're looking for from us - all of us have been through infertility and we know what a nasty monster that can be (although you're getting somewhat of a biased opinion on that because for all of us, infertility treatments didn't work - to hear the positive side of infertility treatments, you'd need to discuss with some people who've been successful).

Hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

Best wishes!

Lisa

http://www.thecornishfamily.net :p

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Hi again,

I just re-read your post and realized I didn't even address your concern about pursuing ivf & domestic adoption.  If you choose to move forward with Abrazo, I'm pretty sure you can not be doing any infertility treatments (I think this is the case - geez, it's only been 5 or 6 months since our Orientation & I'm already forgetting some stuff).

I think the reason is because they want to be sure you've dealt with any infertility monsters that may be lurking for you (i.e. you've put infertility in your past and you're okay with not having a biological child, etc).  I used to think that why not try adoption & infertility treatments at the same time - double your chances (the things we do to be parents...).  Now, I can't imagine going through both but I think some people do that.  

I really wouldn't recommend pursuing both routes - even if you do decide to try the international route.  If you're considering IVF, do the IVF - wait on the adoption.  There's so much you need to think about and come to terms with, with respect to adoption - you really need to be beyond the infertility stuff - For me, infertility was wayyyyyy more of a rollercoaster than adoption was so I would have just been so not able to focus on both (because they both require a great deal of focus).  Also, while undergoing ivf, I just wasn't myself and there's no way I'd want to have met or spoken with someone at Abrazo or any adoption agency for that matter.  It seriously made me feel so bad, so insecure, & so depressed.  I'm afraid that my application would have been horrible as would my profile and homestudy visits and anything else I had to do once we started adoption.  If you're going to do IVF, my advice is to just focus on it at first.  If after the 1st time it doesn't work, sit back and think about whether you really want to try it again (good idea to think about how many times you'll try it ahead of time though so you already have some concrete limit you can work with).  If you decide to try it again, try it again but I wouldn't do adoption in parallel - but that's just my opinion.

Hope that helps.

Lisa

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Welcome Familylove!  As you are already seeing, this is an excellent place to discuss issues and get opinions and information as almost certainly there is someone who is or has been just where you are.  

    I have travelled the infertility road.  My former husband and I tried for several years before seeking professional assistance.  Due to my age at the time, all treatments were aggressive.  I consented to the use of some new drugs that did not have long term study information.  We tried IVF unsuccessfully.  (Boy, I'd like to have your insurance/reimbursement)  My insurance did not pay a single penny of our infertility treatments.  After the IVF failed, the doctors were suggesting donor eggs.  My partner was not willing to do the donor eggs.  I decided that I was going to take a year off.  I would not make any decisions related to it for a full year.  I felt such relief.  It was amazing how free I felt.  I spent that time educating myself, journaling, and participating in individual counseling.  I had to come to terms with the the realities of my situation.  I had to cope with the grief.  There were so many issues.  I had to look at all the options and weigh the pros and cons.  I had to heal.  Finally, I realized that I had said goodbye to the biological baby that I had created in my mind's eye and that biology was not what mattered.  I confirmed my desire to parent.  I solidified my convictions that I did not want to live "childfree/childless". I put closure to my fertility issues and the idea of having a biological child.  Then I began to research adoption and start talking with my ex about adoption.  He was not nearly as confident about it as I.  To make a long/complicated story short, we attended an orientation with another agency and decided to work with them.  Within several months we were matched with a birthmom.  She was five months pregnant and was expecting a girl.  We committed to her and provided financial support.  (she did not want a lot of contact)  Thirteen days before her due date, she let the agency know that she had decided to parent.  Of course, we were devastated.  It drove a wedge between my ex and I.  We spent some time recovering and decided to continue.  Several months later, we were matched again.  Again, to make a long story short, my ex and I had different ideas on the degree of openess and how to handle the relationship and the trust issues left from our first adoption plan that did not result in placement.  I came to realize that just as we were having issues about the best way to work with our birthmom, we would certainly have large issues when it came to raising a child.  I began to realize that my ex and I viewed adoption quite differently and definitely did not agree on the idea of openess with the birthmom and/or child.  I came to the most difficult of decisions, which was that we would have a very hard time raising an adopted child together.  For the third time, to make a long story short..................our marriage ended. We had to disrupt the adoption plan.  Again, some time off to recover, educate, and regroup.  There was never a doubt that I wanted to parent, but now, I'm a single woman in my early 40's.  Can I adopt?  Is it "fair" to "take" a child from a couple?  Is it "fair" to adopt a child when you can't give them a daddy too?  I decided to work with Child Protective Services.  I thought, if I provide a home to a child that is in desperate need, then I'm not being selfish and taking a child away from a couple that could give him/her a mom and dad.  After many months of training, spending time with Foster Parents and some foster children, I saw that this route would be extremely hard on my heart.  Although I thought I was strong enough to do it, I chose not to put myself through that.  Fast forward to May, 2002.  Super friends of mine attend Abrazo Orientation as againers.  They talk to Ruth, who just happened to do the homestudy for my ex and I.  It is explained that the plan Ruth thought had come to pass, did not.  She is informed that I am working with Child Protective to try and adopt.  She tells my friend that I don't need to go that route and to call her.  God puts those people in your path just when you need them.  For those of you who do not know Ruth personally, take it from me, she is a one of a kind dynamo.  She adopted as a single woman.  I had doubts, and she encouraged me.  I had questions she answered.  June, 2002, I completed the inquiry.  August 2002, I completed my application. September 2002, I was scheduled to attend the October orientation.  September 27, 2002 I learned about my son.  October 2, 2002, I went to the Abrazo office, signed papers and met my son for the first time.  My life has had the glow of joy and blessed peace ever since.  Dreams come true.  You have to define exactly what your dreams are to acheive them.  You have to have closure to one avenue before you can go on to another, I believe.  So, familylove, what I'm trying to tell you in a round about way is.......in my experience I had to do everything I was willing to do in the fertility arena before I could move to another arena.  I have no regrets there.  I know I did all I was willing to do, and then I could move on with no regrets or what ifs.  I hope this helps in some way.  Good luck on your journey to parenthood.  Take your time, learn about everything and remember "good things come to those who wait" and truely things happen "in HIS time" not ours.  

God Bless,

Jean

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Guest familylove

Thank You all very much for sharing your stories and your insights!!!!!!

I am going to take a step back and take one step at a time and do a lot of reading and soul searching for the right answers.  I've already ordered a bunch of suggested reading material.  

Thanks!!

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Welcome Familylove,

I have been in the exact same place as you.... we were not going to be able to get pregnant in the conventional ways and donor egg IVF/ICSI was the only medical option we offered.  We had investigated adoption and we were very very intimidated by the legal/emotional issues involved.  Open adoption was very very frightening to us.  We decided to do the IVF thing and we are one of the very few lucky ones that had a successful pregnancy and birth early on.  Being pregnant and experiencing that was really really cool.  One of the first things that I realized when they placed my little guy in my arms was how difficult it would be for a birthmom to come to the decision and have the courage to then place her baby in an adoptive mom's arms.  I understood fully at that moment why open adoption is probably the best way for birth and adoptive families and more importantly to the children.  We dabbled with IVF a few more times in the coming years, but in the back of my mind adoption was what I thought would be best for a second child.  Since we had shed some of our fears of open adoption we contacted Abrazo, and through thier orientation process we learned much more about open adoption.  I can honestly say when my second child was placed in my arms in the offices of Abrazo a few months later, I had the same overwhelming feeling of love for that baby as I did for the baby I carried for 9 months.  Both my boys are the light in my life and I am very very thankful that I have them.  Would I change anything?  probably not, but if I were facing the same cross roads again, I would head down the adoption road in a minute.  In the words of Elizabeth, with Abrazo "it is not if, it is when".  Adoption is a wonderful wonderful experience... yes it is a roller coaster, as is IVF and pregnancy.  I wish you the best in your journey.  We Abrazo formites are always around to lend and ear.

Mommy 2

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  • 1 month later...
Guest familylove

Hi -

After soul searching and speaking with Doctors, we decided that adoption was the route for my husband and I to take.

Thank you everyone for your sane advice!!

We submitted our initial inquiry last week and should be receiving our application packet soon.  Hopefully my husband and I will meet you all very soon.... like in April.  :)

Cheers

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Hi familylove!!!

It's wonderful to hear from you again - and it's wonderful to hear your great news - you will soon see why we all say this, adoption is just such a wonderful, enriching life experience and it's absolutely amazing the love you will feel for your child - my husband & I are now convinced after meeting our precious Kayleigh that we could never in a bajillion years conceive a child as perfect and wonderful and loved as Kayleigh - she is just amazing - we are so certain that her adoption was exactly how we were meant to have our child join our lives and we are so glad we listened.  Well, anyway - I sure hope to meet you soon too!  (I'll actually be at the April Orientation to share our adoption story.....I'm so excited, I would just love to meet you there...)

Best wishes and welcome, welcome, welcome!!!!

Lisa :D

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Congratulations Family Love!  So glad you've taken the leap to parenthood via Abrazo.  April orientation will be here before you know it.  Keep us posted on your journey and let us know when your little bundle of joy arrives!  I'm so excited for you!

Dana

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  • 8 months later...

My husband and I have always wanted to adopt a child of another race, but always imagined that we would have a couple of biological children first.  We have been trying to conceive for nearly two years and while all of my friends seem to already have families or are getting pregnant for the first time, we are still childless.  As time goes on, it feels like a twisting sword in my heart every time I see a pregnant friend or see women with infants.  I am ready to have a baby in my arms to call my own...biology doesn't hold the draw that it used to.  

    I am currently wondering when it is time to stop trying.  I had endometriosis removed in August and have just started Clomid again (prior to the surgery I had gone through 2 cycles of Clomid and the shots, but not artificial insimmination or IVF).  Although my husband has not been very supportive of infertility treatments in the past, he seems to understand my personal pain more lately and is showing more support for me taking Clomid and getting the shots.  When I asked him about adoption he said he needed some time to process and pray about that whole possibility.

    I just wonder if any one has a suggestion regarding waiting...

Thanks,

Laura

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Laura

That answer can only come from within as everyone's "last straw button" is at different levels.  We tried just about everything from inseminations, IVF and FET, as well as donor...one pregnancy and a miscarriage that followed.  You just come to the realization (some earlier than others) that biology just doesn't matter - for us, it took 8 years of trying.  My husband was ready much sooner than I was but we now face adoption through Abrazo (hopefully next month) and wished we had not waited so long.  It is a very personal decision that no one else can make.  All I can say is pray, talk and be ready for the adoption plan you make.  There is nothing wrong with going the distance with infertility treatments - it's your choice and important that you feel that you have given it a chance.  You don't want to look back and feel regret.  Just realize that when you need Abrazo they are there with open arms and a baby possibly sooner than you might think.  Best of luck in your decision and with the Clomid...happy ovary thoughts to you.

S&L :D

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Laura,

That is so exactly what I was going to say.

The decision is different for every person.  There are lots of things to consider, and you aren't a bad person for really looking at all the issues honestly.  Cost is no unimportant issue (I read your other post, too).  For us, the cost of infertility with no positive results--i.e., no baby in the arms--was truly the big reason.  But the simple frustration and stress of the infertility efforts were wearying, too.  Our biggest question became domestic or international.  You'll find advocates of both kinds.  Trust your instincts and your heart.  On all aspects of the decision.

May God fill the desires of your heart, either way.

Christina

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Ditto Christina and S&L.  

Laura, your husband's answer of time to process and pray is exactly what is right for him and I applaud that response.  You, too, will know.  Many of us know exactly the pain you feel when seeing friends and even strangers who are experiencing pregnancy and impending motherhood.  I hope that you can take comfort in the knowledge that you can and will be a mother if that is what you desire whether through biology or adoption.  Dreams of parenting are realized over and over again with the help of the Abrazo Angels and loving birthfamilies.  I thought that I would never experience that treasured part of living, but through the grace of God and with the assistance of Abrazo, I am living my dream and have never been happier in my life.  When you have Abrazo working on your behalf, it's not IF, it is WHEN and WHEN can be right around the corner.  Remain hopeful and faithful and pray with you husband.  God will guide you to the path that is right for you.  Keep us posted and keep your chin up..............it will happen!

Jean

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  • 11 months later...

For us, it was when everything fell into place...the money, the job situation, etc. and when we felt like having a child was the most important thing to us in the world. We were willing to do whatever it took and it didn't matter about the biological connection. We wanted to be parents. Period. Unlike fertility treatments, adoption is pretty much a sure thing once you get your home study approved. It's like Abrazo says "not if, but when"!

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