Jump to content

Picking & Choosing


Guest Great social worker

Recommended Posts

I was having a random stream of thought this morning, about how the adoption process could almost be compared to a very strange version of "Deal or No Deal?" (Bear with me-- I don't mean to be irreverent--so please hear me out.)

It as if each couple comes to us already gripping a silver briefcase with unknown content, one they believe holds the specifications of their biological dreamchild, the one they never knew.

On the steps before them stand an array of beautiful women, all holding matching silver briefcases. Each woman is different, yet stunning in her own right. Each graciously allows others to scrutinize her without complaint; she then must reveal the entire content of her silver case upon demand.

Each of the womens' silver cases contains a different baby's case scenario, which the couple reviews upon selection; they consider the pros and cons, assessing each against the specs of what they think is described within their case.

Do they hit the button and shout "Deal!" on the very first one? Hold out to see what else may be out there? Wait until the very end, deciding "No Deal" on everything offered, banking on the odds that the case they already have holds the ideal? Do they find the baby of their dreams? Or end up going home with exactly what they came with?

From up in the booth overhead, the Agency can observe the scene arrayed below, but its ability to influence the outcome is limited to the adoptive parents' receptiveness to its offers. The Agency doesn't know the exact contents of any of the cases in advance, but it is aware that what is contained within the adopting parents' suitcase is not actually the profile of their biological dreamchild, like they think.

Instead, it is a prospectus analyzing that couple's actual parenting potential that is hidden from public view. The role of the Agency, as the authority (or "banker") in this matter, is to somehow negotiate a compatible match between the adopting couple's expectations, their unseen parenting potential, and whichever case they finally elect to accept.

Is it merely a game of chance? Or a matter of fate? Can savvy participants influence the odds somehow? To what extent should participants rely on the advice shouted from the audience? Which friends or family members will you opt to include in your round? Do the lovely ladies on the steps hold greater relevance than just being the vessel by which each offer is delivered? What factors will be most important to your decision-making process, when it's your turn to answer the question: "Deal? Or no deal?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Elizabeth, I so get your point! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have been thinking again Ms Elizabeth.........

I like the way your mind works......

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was having a random stream of thought this morning, about how the adoption process could almost be compared to a very strange version of "Deal or No Deal?" (Bear with me-- I don't mean to be irreverent--so please hear me out.)

It as if each couple comes to us already gripping a silver briefcase with unknown content, one they believe holds the specifications of their biological dreamchild, the one they never knew.

On the steps before them stand an array of beautiful women, all holding matching silver briefcases. Each woman is different, yet stunning in her own right. Each graciously allows others to scrutinize her without complaint; she then must reveal the entire content of her silver case upon demand.

Each of the womens' silver cases contains a different baby's case scenario, which the couple reviews upon selection; they consider the pros and cons, assessing each against the specs of what they think is described within their case.

Do they hit the button and shout "Deal!" on the very first one? Hold out to see what else may be out there? Wait until the very end, deciding "No Deal" on everything offered, banking on the odds that the case they already have holds the ideal? Do they find the baby of their dreams? Or end up going home with exactly what they came with?

From up in the booth overhead, the Agency can observe the scene arrayed below, but its ability to influence the outcome is limited to the adoptive parents' receptiveness to its offers. The Agency doesn't know the exact contents of any of the cases in advance, but it is aware that what is contained within the adopting parents' suitcase is not actually the profile of their biological dreamchild, like they think.

Instead, it is a prospectus analyzing that couple's actual parenting potential that is hidden from public view. The role of the Agency, as the authority (or "banker") in this matter, is to somehow negotiate a compatible match between the adopting couple's expectations, their unseen parenting potential, and whichever case they finally decide to accept.

Is it merely a game of chance? Or a matter of fate? Can savvy participants influence the odds somehow? To what extent should participants rely on the advice shouted from the audience? Which friends or family members will you opt to include in your round? Do the lovely ladies on the steps hold greater relevance than just being the vessel by which each offer is delivered? What factors will be most important to your decision-making process, when it's your turn to answer the question: "Deal? Or no deal?"

Great comparison/illustration, Elizabeth and so to the heart of things. Well said.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see your point Elizabeth. The thing I hate about that game (and the adoption game, for that matter) is that no one (other than God) knows what is in your own case. It would be so much easier if you just knew what you were holding before deciding how to play! (Can you tell I HATE surprises?) :P:P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elizabeth... so true. I love having the gift of choice, but sometimes it would be nice if lightning struck and God opened the heavens and said, YES this is the one! I know, I know... faith must prevail!

I liked your story and I hope that all of us as adoptive families/parent's in waiting will think of the little life held in the balance first when we make our choice for what is right for them and for our family!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing I hate about that game (and the adoption game, for that matter) is that no one (other than God) knows what is in your own case. It would be so much easier if you just knew what you were holding before deciding how to play! (Can you tell I HATE surprises?) :P:P

I always think of my sister when one talks about not knowing what's in your case - she and her husband birthed 2 beautiful, healthy children (planned births) and learned, quite by surprise that they were expecting a 3rd child when their youngest (my niece) was 4 years old. Of course, it didn't take them long to embrace the pregnancy, after getting over the initial shock of how their lives were going to change (they had settled into their family of 4 routine quite well) when this baby arrived. This was nearly 22 years ago. They gave birth to another beautiful healthy baby boy (their oldest, a son and their youngest, also a son) - he weighed a little over 9 pounds. They settled into their new routine well - adapted to having a newborn in the home - not all that different from what they had experienced the first time...until Jared got a little bit older - things just didn't seem right - he seemed delayed on many levels - and eventually, after numerous appointments with all sorts of specialists and all sorts of brain scans and tests and genetic testing - my nephew was diagnosed with a Delayed Central Nervous System with Autistic Tendencies - basically, Jared is autistic - he is on the very far end of the spectrum - he is nonverbal and functions at about an 18 month old level. Anyway, they had no idea what their case held - but they assumed it was a case similar to what their other 2 cases had held. And, when they learned it didn't, they adapted to the contents and embraced it and found themselves in a very different world than they had ever experienced before....but you'll never hear either one of them (or my nephew and niece for that matter) ever regret Jared entering their lives.

I am just as guilty as the next guy of wanting to know what our case will hold and just as fearful as anyone else of the unknown - but I just wonder, why is it that adoptive parents can't have the same degree of faith as parents who give birth do? Why can't we just assume that our case will bring us blessings, in whatever different ways they come? Is it to do with the birthparent factor - or what is it exactly that prohibits us from just holding on to our faith that it will all work out and whatever challenges that case may bring us, will not be too great for us to overcome? Do we underestimate ourselves and our strength and ability to grow and adapt? Or is it that we have choices that parents who give birth don't? If they were presented with the "cases" that we are presented with, would they just say, "any case will do" or would they find themselves asking questions of one another that they would never otherwise ask and making decisions that they otherwise would never have to make?

Just something that I find curious????

Lisa

Edited by linlacor
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see your point Elizabeth. The thing I hate about that game (and the adoption game, for that matter) is that no one (other than God) knows what is in your own case. It would be so much easier if you just knew what you were holding before deciding how to play! (Can you tell I HATE surprises?) :P:P

Hi Tina,

Your right.

It's freeing to know there is something better just waiting for us in another case, through Him all things are possible, when we open our hearts to the possibilities... we just have to let go of the case (baggage) we are currently holding, knowing we have been carrying it around far too long.

Karen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why is it that adoptive parents can't have the same degree of faith as parents who give birth do? Why can't we just assume that our case will bring us blessings, in whatever different ways they come? Is it to do with the birthparent factor - or what is it exactly that prohibits us from just holding on to our faith that it will all work out and whatever challenges that case may bring us, will not be too great for us to overcome? Do we underestimate ourselves and our strength and ability to grow and adapt? Or is it that we have choices that parents who give birth don't? If they were presented with the "cases" that we are presented with, would they just say, "any case will do" or would they find themselves asking questions of one another that they would never otherwise ask and making decisions that they otherwise would never have to make? Just something that I find curious????

Interesting questions, Lisa. And so very relevant.

I don't think that adoptive parents have any lesser faith than bio-parents do, but that the element of choice is a significant difference for the two. (Indeed, having choices is a mixed blessing.) Given the choice, everyone typically wants a healthy baby, as young as possible; given the costs of adopting, folks usually want the "best" case available with the nearest due date and the fewest risks.

Speaking from the biological perspective, "you gets what you gets." No choice of gender, no choice of due dates, and very limited options for controlling the health factors-- or case costs. When Christian was born (prematurely), I felt I'd failed to protect him. When I heard the medical personnel in the delivery room quietly report his APGAR scores were "4" and "6", I immediately thought "oooh... NOT good." I knew I'd hate reporting those numbers to an adoptive family, had I been there in a professional role and not as the patient. When the NICU doctors told us he'd had a severe cranial hemorrhage, I knew right away that was bad news and I felt that fate was punishing me somehow. When he was diagnosed as hydrocephalic, I crumbled, remembering how often I'd advised adoptive families to walk away from cases at this point. I didn't sign up for this, myself, but obviously, walking away wasn't an option--and frankly, that wasn't because of my faith nor my strength nor my abilities. It was because this child was my responsibility; however, for parents who adopt, the decision of whether to accept responsibility is ultimately made at placement, not before.

That's not to say that adopting parents are wrong or weak or pessimistic, if they do walk away. (And not all would, anyway.) The truth is that our differing journeys offer varying options and contrasting choices. But the more we try to control factors to optimize our outcome, oftentimes, the more frustrated we become, and the less effective the end result is. As my experience with my son Christian has proven to me, sometimes the least desired challenges can turn into the sweetest of blessings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

for parents who adopt, the decision of whether to accept responsibility is ultimately made at placement, not before.

That's not to say that adopting parents are wrong or weak or pessimistic, if they do walk away.

Lest we forget, sometimes parents who take placement of a child with the full intent of completing the adoption plan can experience such a drastic change in their own life circumstances (or that of the child's) that they become compromised in their ability to continue in the parental role. Then, the decision about that "silver case" no longer rests solely in the APs' hands -- it involves the social workers and the supervising agency too. "Deal" or "no deal"? IMHO, no one here on earth is ever truly in charge of what ultimately happens, although we sometimes like to fool ourselves into thinking that we are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lest we forget, sometimes parents who take placement of a child with the full intent of completing the adoption plan can experience such a drastic change in their own life circumstances (or that of the child's) that they become compromised in their ability to continue in the parental role. Then, the decision about that "silver case" no longer rests solely in the APs' hands -- it involves the social workers and the supervising agency too. "Deal" or "no deal"? IMHO, no one here on earth is ever truly in charge of what ultimately happens, although we sometimes like to fool ourselves into thinking that we are.

Absolutely, Karen! and thank heavens for that! ;) I try not to proselytize around here, but I cannot imagine how daunting the adoption process must be for those without a solid foundation of faith, because I think it provides a much-needed context and source of support throughout the journey.

And as far as trying to control the variables or influence the outcome, the best advice for those who believe is "let go, and let God." After all the miracles I've seen in this field over the years, it's left no doubt in my mind that the very best of adoption stories always reveal His fingerprints, on every single page.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After all the miracles I've seen in this field over the years, it's left no doubt in my mind that the very best of adoption stories always reveal His fingerprints, on every single page.

I can only imagine, Elizabeth. I'm awed by the miracles I've seen in just the 15 months that I've been part of the Abrazo family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

the very best of adoption stories always reveal His fingerprints, on every single page.

Can we ever attest to that!!!!!!

:):):)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

but I just wonder, why is it that adoptive parents can't have the same degree of faith as parents who give birth do? Why can't we just assume that our case will bring us blessings, in whatever different ways they come? Is it to do with the birthparent factor - or what is it exactly that prohibits us from just holding on to our faith that it will all work out and whatever challenges that case may bring us, will not be too great for us to overcome? Do we underestimate ourselves and our strength and ability to grow and adapt? Or is it that we have choices that parents who give birth don't? If they were presented with the "cases" that we are presented with, would they just say, "any case will do" or would they find themselves asking questions of one another that they would never otherwise ask and making decisions that they otherwise would never have to make?

Just something that I find curious????

Lisa

I think I should clarify here that I did NOT mean I wanted to know the future of the child's health. I have total faith that God provided the child that we were meant to parent, no matter what. There are no guarantees in life and that includes parenting. I don't have any problem with that aspect of the adoption story. The questions related to the adoption were a difficult aspect of our adoption journey for me. I didn't WANT to make all these choices. Biological parents don't get asked what kind of child they give birth to, and I didn't want to make those choices either. What agency, International/domestic, Race, Gender, Mental disabilities, Physical Disabilities, drug use, alcohol use, contested placement, etc. were all questions we had to answer before we could even finish our homestudy. I wanted to make decisions on a case by case basis, depending on my relationship with the birthmother. Thankfully, Jay is much better at setting limits than I am or we never would have finished our homestudy.

I want to know what was in the case as far as birthparents go. I want to know WHO the right match was and WHEN it was coming. I HATED the not knowing part of the adoption story. I agonize to see friends go through disrupted matches and or long waits. I wish there was a magic ball that would reveal the right match and the timing of it. It would certainly stop a lot of heartache.

Edited by tksimmons02
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to know what was in the case as far as birthparents go. I want to know WHO the right match was and WHEN it was coming. I HATED the not knowing part of the adoption story. I agonize to see friends go through disrupted matches and or long waits. I wish there was a magic ball that would reveal the right match and the timing of it. It would certainly stop a lot of heartache.

You and me both Tina...you and me both..... :) Especially on that magic ball thing....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUESTION:

How can a "wrong match" or a "failed plan"

turn out to be a blessing in disguise?

ANSWERS (note: more than one may apply)

When the timing of it helps to ensure you are ready and available for the "right" placement

When it enables the kind of growth that prepares someone else to parent their own offspring

When it spares somebody an unforeseen but shattering loss from which they could not recover

When it teaches you about reserves of strength and character you didn't even know you had

When it makes you even more determined than ever to adopt successfully

When it gives you time to grieve unresolved losses you weren't ready to work through before

When it helps you define what kind of child and birthfamily truly will fit your needs best

When it prevents a costly and ultimately futile court battle for custody

When it empowers someone who was formerly powerless to believe in themselves for the first time

When it draws you and your spouse even closer together than you ever were

When it releases you from an adoption that is being done for the wrong reasons

When it frees you to match with someone with whom you can really be family

When it releases you from overextending yourselves on a case you really couldn't afford

When it provides a needy child with a better start in life than he/she would otherwise have had

When it forces you to examine your values and leads you to a greater level of self-understanding

When it enriches your faith and reminds you to rely not on your own power but on God's will

When it averts a placement that might otherwise have been wrong for your family

When it brings you renewed certainty that your baby is, truly, on its way: not if? but when!!

When it lends you opportunity for new growth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How can a "wrong match" or a "failed plan" still turn out to be a blessing in disguise?

When the timing of it helps to ensure you are ready and available for the "right" one.

When it frees you to match with someone with whom you can really be family.

I STRONGLY agree with both of these!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
http://' target="_blank">Love is Color Blind
Valerie Wolff, February 2007

Feb_Chosen.jpg

I remember getting the phone call from our lawyer, saying that there was a newborn girl who needed a home. He said that he immediately thought of us as potential adoptive parents to this baby, and was wondering if it would be all right for him to share our letter with the birth mother who was coming in to his office at the beginning of the week.

He hesitated for a moment, and then he said, “I thought of you because I firmly believe that you and your husband will have what it takes to raise this little girl. You see, she is biracial--her mom is white and her dad is black. Her dad had given up his parental rights. Therefore, her mom has the final say over who adopts her daughter, and she wants a couple who will be sensitive to the challenges this child will face in the world”.

I told my lawyer that I wanted to talk it over with my husband first, and that I would get back to him later on in the day. I called my husband and told him the news, and he was thrilled and said “of course”. I was so excited, too, but yet there was a smidgeon of doubt in the back of my mind. I wondered if we were really equipped to handle raising a biracial child--what with racism and prejudice still prevalent in our society. I told my husband that I wanted to think and pray about this over the weekend, before we gave our final answer to the lawyer. I called our lawyer back, and explained why we needed additional time, and he understood.

That weekend was mostly one of prayer. As a social worker, I knew all too well what people’s reactions would be to having a biracial member of a white family. I knew how difficult it would be not only for us as parents, but for her well-being on many levels. There would be many issues to face, especially identity issues as she grew older. Ultimately, it boiled down to the final two questions --were we emotionally and spiritually equipped to face these challenges, and would we love a biracial child as much as a white child? The answer to the first question was “yes”, with God’s grace, we would be able to handle anything which came our way. The second question might come as a shock to you, but I believe that it was an HONEST question we needed to ask of ourselves. And as we did, I kept on coming back to the thought that true love is, indeed, color-blind.

I thought of a remark I had heard several years earlier, that we are all members of ONE race--the human race--and I knew that I would be able to love this child without reservation.

To make a long story short, the birth mom chose us out of 10 prospective sets of parents. We met our daughter for the first time at her foster parents’ house, after we had driven there in a snowstorm. Our oldest daughter, Sara, walked over to our baby daughter, Danielle, patted Danielle’s head and said, “I want her, let’s keep her, and take her home.” With those words, our forever family was born.

Throughout the years, we have met many challenges in the form of remarks, stares, and discriminatory and racist treatment. As a social worker, I am dismayed by the lack of support I received from my association and fellow social workers who believe that a person of color is “better off” in a black family. In my opinion, that in and of itself is discriminatory and inflammatory, and shows complete disregard for the fact that my child is also half-white! I lost a very dear friend who couldn’t (wouldn’t?) support the adoption. That was, and still is, a very painful loss.

At the same time, we have been blessed with a lot of support from others, sometimes when we least expected it! I’ll never forget the time that I was grocery shopping with my two girls, and two elderly black ladies were watching me as I was comforting my baby. They came up to me and said, “There is a special place in heaven for a mother like you.” Little did they know that their words would give me comfort in times of pain, when racism would hit us with its cruel and ugly reality.

My daughter went through a two year period of extreme taunting and exclusionary behavior, done at the hands and mouths of “Christians” in a Catholic school, before I finally pulled her out of that wicked environment. My pleas for reform and understanding fell on deaf ears at that school, and my daughter paid a painful price as a result of ignorance and denial by the school officials. This experience reminded me of one of my favorite quotes which is by William Hazlett, “Prejudice is the child of ignorance”.

I look at my beautiful daughter who turns 16 this month, and my breath is taken away by her inner and outer beauty. Danielle is full of self-confidence, poise, intelligence, and dignity. She has an unquenchable desire to help out the underdog. She has a sense of humor and is talented at writing and music. Her compassion knows no bounds. And, when she looks at others, she sees them as children of God who are to be loved as such, and who are to be treated with respect and dignity, no matter what their race is. God’s greatest commandment is to love each other as He so loves us. We are commanded to do so, and our family tries to live out that commandment in the unique way of adoption. I am reminded of Acts 17:2 “…and hath made of ONE BLOOD all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation…”

While love is color-blind, that doesn’t mean I negate the fact that Danielle is person whose skin color is darker than mine, or who has another culture of which she is a part. What it does mean is that I firmly believe that “laundry is the only thing that should be separated by color” (Author Unknown).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That was so beautifully said!!!!!!! I agree laundry is the only thing that should be sorted by colors!!!!!! You would think in the year 2007, people wouldn't be as shallow as they are. I just always remember, for every insensitive comment there is one loving to follow. It sounds like you have raised a confident, caring and beautiful young lady!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...