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Picking & Choosing


Guest Great social worker

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It may take time to decide whether toddler/older child adoption is for you. I know for us, it didn't come overnight. We have been a huge work in progress. For those of you that feel it isn't for you, that's alright too. We need all types of families in this world, but I just hope that some sole searching can be done before a decision is/was made. That is also where we have been a work in progress.

Claudia

Thank you so much for those words, Claudia. I know we have contemplated such a decision as this for some time now and continue with our soul searching right now. For us, it's not a question of whether we can love a toddler /older child or missing out on some of those firsts, but we carefully consider the dynamics of our family which includes two girls already.

Hope in MO

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Thank you so much for those words, Claudia. I know we have contemplated such a decision as this for some time now and continue with our soul searching right now. For us, it's not a question of whether we can love a toddler /older child or missing out on some of those firsts, but we carefully consider the dynamics of our family which includes two girls already.

Hope in MO

Hope,

Exactly... One of our greatest concerns with adopting a toddler is what has that child already experienced and what has he or she already been molded into. As much as I believe in the ability to still be influenced by our role modeling and what we share and expose them too, my inexperience lends its fears as well. How will an older child influence what we have already taught Dante. That's not to say an older toddler will be "bad" or anything. We just have to keep Dante's needs in the forefront as well (and not bite off more than we can chew). I wonder sometimes if my love for all is a bad thing at times. I wonder if I live in a la la world and then I tell myself that up until this point, I don't feel like we've made rash decisions about anything. There has to be a balance. Marcelo and I go back and forth about a lot and HE does balance me! :P One of the things I pointed out recently is that amongst all his fears that he would also think about that child... waiting. Of course, we are improtant, but WE do want to be parents again and we ARE open to a lot. I say that because when we get that call about considering a match/phone call then he has to remember that WE already discussed it and WE are open. Sometimes, the fear allows him to forget.... :rolleyes: It's hard all the way around, but I my hope and prayers are that BECAUSE we are open to what is meant to be that somehow with God's blessing everything will work out o.k.

I still have lots of concerns and questions, but just as we did with an infant adoption, we can't let fear jar us up.

Claudia

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Exactly... One of our greatest concerns with adopting a toddler is what has that child already experienced and what has he or she already been molded into........

Good post Claudia. By age 3, they have been 'molded' into a lot but are still very young and can be molded/taught into something else. In addition to being okay with having not been the one to previously teach that todler, It is a definite another dynamic to consider.

Every relationship takes time to build. Some relationships start later than others.

Edited by Adam & Beth
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Of our many parents-in-waiting, several of them today turned down a child who's just 36.3 months old, because even at that tender age, it's "too old" to be wanted, at least by those afflicted with baby fever.

That meant that out of the handful of profiles we showed his birthmom today, just one of Abrazo's waiting families was willing to speak with her.

She'd come in today wanting to make a loving plan for her baby's future, but fearing no one will want him because he's no longer a infant.

With as many folks as we know who "just want a child to love," it's sad to think tots in need can get disqualified so early in life... for no fault of their own, but for a birthday or two. :(

Elizabeth,

Any news on this little one? Dane and I have been thinking so much about this birthmom the past few days.

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I've been trying to curtail my hints lately, out of deference to those who don't enjoy them, but I'm guessing by this time tomorrow, somebody might choose to share some news... stay tuned! ;)

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Oh, what a wonderful blessing someone is about to be a part of!

I have to admit, Dane was ready and willing to jump on a plane to go get that little one! I had to gently remind him that first we can't go that route yet again and second....I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE!!!!

I also have to say....I FOR ONE LOVE THOSE HINTS!

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Oh, how wonderful!

It sounds like the next couple of days should be pretty busy, not only for the Abrazogals, but also for at least TWO adopting couples!!! :lol: Yeah! Can't wait for the great news!!!

Oh, by the way, I also love the hints, Elizabeth! Keep 'em comin', girl!

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:) (nails drumming nervously awaiting some news...any news)!
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wow wow wow....a busy weekend at Abrazo- .......I wonder if.............

I sure do miss those hints

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Cant' stand the suspense..... How nice 2 couples will be filled with Joy and bless those birthparets.

L-

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Hints, hints!!!! Love the hints!!! :D:D :D

Keep 'em coming! They only mean there is reason to rejoice!

Sooo glad to hear there may be some resolution for this family.

Edited by Don&Andrea
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Having a little experience with toddlers. When our foster girls came to live with us. Brooke was 18 months old and Madison was almost 3 months. It was wonderful. I loved that Brooke was old enough to play and interact with us. There were difficult times, but mostly it was a wonderful experience. There were plenty of firsts with her too. Not the ones you get with a newborn, but really exciting firsts. First jump in a pool, first ride down a slide, first carousel ride. These are all precious times and moments. We bonded with girls and we are still in love and miss them everyday. It was a time we would never trade. I am so excited for the families involved. We would definetely be open to a toddler when we are ready for Jonah to have a sibling. :lol:

Even though the toddler has had experiences out of our control and molded by another, they do respond to love, caring and the things that you can offer them ( not material but values and a sense of self). They are not lost nor are they unable to bond, love and adapt. Children are amazing and just want what we all want. :lol:

Our love and prayers go out to everyone, especially the precious children involved in difficult situations like this one

I hope that this post has made some sense. :blink: I am just rambling

Love

Jenn

Edited by JennandDave
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Jenn, I think your post made PERFECT sense. Thank you.

Life is a series of trade-offs, and just as there are joys specific to the placement of newborns, there are just as many blessings specific to the placement of toddlers and more advanced children. (Think, for example, about the benefits of zero months of sleep-deprivation? No spit-up? No months of added costs for diapers and formula? No miserable teething? Having children who appreciate what you do for them and can tell you so with words and hugs and kisses? Adopting little ones who marvel at that room you've so lovingly prepared for them? Who tell God during bedtime prayers how thankful they are for their new mommy and daddy? and who can tell you just what hurts and when and why?)

For every infant or child we've placed with every loving family, there were plenty of other folks in our program who would have turned down that same case for a variety of reasons, because that child wasn't "right" for them. Certainly, that was fortunate for the families who were in the right place to say "yes!" and are now so glad. Yet, in truth, adoption shouldn't ever be about fitting children into adults' lives and their needs, but rather, making our lives pliable and our hearts expansive enough to fit around a child and their needs.

I realize that's a utopian concept, but after awhile, those of us who work in adoptions become painfully sensitive to the irony of it all. Children should never be bought or sold, but when people must commit thousands of dollars to the adoption process, often after years of waiting, they understandably come to the table wanting the best possible package (ie., "a healthy newborn" looking something like them, in most cases) and an optimal outcome (allowing them nearly as much control as though the child had been born to them). And that creates a hefty life purpose for any small child, particularly one already "in need."

We all have preferences, and biases, and dreams unique to ourselves. I don't think that's wrong. But I do think that part of any good adoption professional's job is to help folks to stretch a bit, to resist their own limitations in order to grow, and to focus their attention on the needs of all God's children-- regardless of whichever one it is that they ultimately take home with them.

Because in the end, it does take a village, after all, so I thank every one of our Forum members for their willingness to broach such difficult topics and discuss them openly. I truly believe this helps our online village create a world that's more welcoming of all children and all who care about them.

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Wow, what a great topic. As the parent of two toddlers I have to agree with Jenn that there are just so many firsts we simply can not keep up with them all. You keep a journal, you scrapbook, take lots of pictures and video in the hopes that you can capture all of it. For our son's three year old brithday in March we bought him a new bike - you know the "first" big boy bike - bright green - training wheels and all - the look on his face was worth a million bikes - could not trade it for the world. Although we had the opportunity for two times the new born first I must say that watching them roll from back to tummy and then from tummy to back, although incredible, does not really compete with many of the toddler firsts we are in the midst of.

Would I like to have it all - yes - but knowing now what we know - they are both just equally incredible!

Just one perspective

Our best to all who have the opportunity to make this decision

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Paul or Beth,

I PM'd you yesterday. We miss you here on the Forum, but glad to see ya posting! Can you post some new pics of the kids? I'd love to see how much they have changed since we last saw you at Camp in 2005. We are having a blast with our toddler too!

Take Care,

Claudia

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Would I like to have it all - yes - but knowing now what we know - they are both just equally incredible!

Just one perspective

It's always good to get different perspectives. Thanks for sharing. Every experience with a child is a blessing. :)

Edited by Adam & Beth
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Wow, what a great topic. As the parent of two toddlers I have to agree with Jenn that there are just so many firsts we simply can not keep up with them all. You keep a journal, you scrapbook, take lots of pictures and video in the hopes that you can capture all of it. For our son's three year old brithday in March we bought him a new bike - you know the "first" big boy bike - bright green - training wheels and all - the look on his face was worth a million bikes - could not trade it for the world. Although we had the opportunity for two times the new born first I must say that watching them roll from back to tummy and then from tummy to back, although incredible, does not really compete with many of the toddler firsts we are in the midst of.

Would I like to have it all - yes - but knowing now what we know - they are both just equally incredible!

Just one perspective

Our best to all who have the opportunity to make this decision

Thanks for sharing!

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I've been trying to curtail my hints lately, out of deference to those who don't enjoy them, but I'm guessing by this time tomorrow, somebody might choose to share some news... stay tuned! ;)

To read the latest check out the Holy Flying Fish Thread :rolleyes:

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I've been trying to curtail my hints lately, out of deference to those who don't enjoy them, but I'm guessing by this time tomorrow, somebody might choose to share some news... stay tuned! ;)

To read the latest check out the Holy Flying Fish Thread :rolleyes:

Who, Who.... I'm sounding like an owl......

We want to know... NOW

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  • 4 months later...

I thought this poem was beautiful Elizabeth, it kind of tears me up that the world can't be a nicer place. I think you wrote this yourself and it's very nice!!! It's the first I've seen it.

I know we came into this adoption so hoping for an infant, as we missed that with our daughter, then we lost our 2nd baby and we thought it was something we needed, well, longed for would be more appropriate. While I do wish for it and know it would be beautiful, I also know it's not the only form of beautiful and other options may offer more special rewards (in the form of bonding and family). It's scary wondering where life will lead you, but I think your last line says it all. I know in the end it will be right, no matter what happens, at least I pray for that.

Birthmothers' Lament

(e. jurenovich)

My baby went through some tough times with me:

I used (to cope with my growing belly.)

I'm sorry I did it, I know it was wrong.

Will my child still get placed?

Will someone let her belong?

My baby's black, his health is good

Adoption's scary yet I think I could

But what a quandry it leaves me in

To think he's less wanted

just because of his skin?

My baby's brown, just like the dad

His first name was all the info I had.

It was one of those things, please don't say "tsk!"

Could you accept my child

despite the legal risk?

My baby's white, but came too early.

They say she'll have some problems, surely.

I called an agency, they said they'd see

if they even have

any families for me?

My baby's not a baby now.

It took awhile for me to see how

I could let go, but now that I'm ready

would there still be a home

for my tot and his teddy?

They say there are plenty of folks out there

Who want to adopt and have much love to spare.

Yet children never come risk-free.

The best hope for their future

starts with your family.

Let it be!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first:

I reviewed the first-ever application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

That, in my humble opinion, is an ideal example of moving from the ridiculous to the sublime!?! :rolleyes:

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Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first... I reviewed an application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

And that, in my humble opinion, is an example of moving from the ridiculous to the sublime!! :rolleyes:

well, what if the birthmother drank a beverage and didn't realize it had caffeine? would that still count? or what if she ordered decaf, but starbucks gave her half-caf instead?

(I'm being ridiculous on purpose. that is insane! you guys must see the strangest bunch of applications at times...)

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Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first:

I reviewed the first-ever application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

That, in my humble opinion, is an ideal example of moving from the ridiculous to the sublime!?! :rolleyes:

It makes me shutter to think how their "future child" would be raised! :blink:

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