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Picking & Choosing


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Crying at the moment! What a wonderful post! I just know that our (including myself, my DH and our 2 girls) capacity to love a child of any race/ ethnicity is great and certain. What insecure feelings we do have lie in how we would handle any societal 'ignorance' issues that would arise. Here's a question...Is it naive to think that our love will conquer all?

Thanks for sharing this article,

Hope in MO

<a href="http://" target="_blank"></a>Love is Color Blind

Valerie Wolff, February 2007

Feb_Chosen.jpg

At the same time, we have been blessed with a lot of support from others, sometimes when we least expected it! I’ll never forget the time that I was grocery shopping with my two girls, and two elderly black ladies were watching me as I was comforting my baby. They came up to me and said, “There is a special place in heaven for a mother like you.” Little did they know that their words would give me comfort in times of pain, when racism would hit us with its cruel and ugly reality.

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Informed, proactive, love may not conquer all, but it can assure that proud, beautiful, productive children of rainbow families grow into confident, caring, productive, adults who are proud and beautiful, too.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Of our many parents-in-waiting, several of them today turned down a child who's just 36.3 months old, because even at that tender age, it's "too old" to be wanted, at least by those afflicted with baby fever.

That meant that out of the handful of profiles we showed his birthmom today, just one of Abrazo's waiting families was willing to speak with her.

She'd come in today wanting to make a loving plan for her baby's future, but fearing no one will want him because he's no longer a infant.

With as many folks as we know who "just want a child to love," it's sad to think tots in need can get disqualified so early in life... for no fault of their own, but for a birthday or two. :(

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sad, sad , SAD!!! I am hoping for this little one to find a family soon! God bless the birthmother for thinking so much of her child.

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I pray that this woman finds the peace of mind and heart that she needs, that the child finds the home he needs and that all the PIW find the love they need.....many God grant them all peace and grace

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My heart breaks for this little one. Our neice and nephew came into our family at the tender ages of 18 months and 36 months. They were so precious then and even more precious now! We will say an extra prayer for this little one and his courageous birthmom.

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I know first hand the fear that adopting a toddler/preschooler can evoke. There are similarities and differences between adopting children of any age. I think every parent has some trepidation when adding to their family regardless of the circumstances. I don't think fear should rule your heart or head. Many things in life we would not attempt or prevail over if we let fear paralyze our lives.

Through all of the valleys and peaks I can say that our family feels blessed that God sent Angel to be our daughter. Things have not always been pleasant...things have not always been easy, but then again...things are never easy when raising and loving any child. There have been peaks and valleys with parenting Makayla as well. That in no way means that I regret being mother to our two little girls. Given the oppurtunity to do it all over again(adopting a newborn and adopting a 3 year old) ...I wouldn't do it any differently.

Most things in life worth doing are a challenge. Parenting is no different. God has a plan for every child and every family. Every child DOES deserve a family. This little boy's birthmom is making the hardest decision of her life. She believes in Abrazo and their wonderful adoptive families enough to entrust them (possibly YOU) with her beloved son. Whenever you worry about the risk you may be taking by adopting an older child...just think how much of a risk his birthmother must feel like she is taking!!!

I know the feelings some of you are having...you are scared, you are unsure- is this the child that God wants our family to have, can we love a child that is not a baby, how will our other child(ren) react to a new child, can we bond, etc. I have been there...done that!

Your concerms are valid! I understand them. I also understand you can still be "Mom" or "Dad" to this child even though he is 3 years old. Will it be different from adopting a newborn..yes in some ways. It didn't take long for me to realize that Angel's "number" (age) might be "3" but she really is not that far out of babyhood herself. She still loves to rock, cuddle, be read to, be carried, etc. She wants to feel safe, play, learn, explore, and be loved...just like Makayla.

If your heart is open to adopting this boy, please pray about this decision and ask God for guidance. Like Elizabeth has said before...how many people have passed up or nearly passed up "the child of their dreams" because it didn't look like the child of their dreams on paper. When I let that thought sink in it gives me chills. It really is a very sobering thought!

I hope this boy will get the family of his dreams and the family of his birthmother's dreams. I pray one of our waiting families will come forward and take a leap of faith. In adoption many times we do have to walk by faith and not by sight.

Praying for all involved!

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beautifully said Elaine - and when and IF I do this again - I will be leaning on you my freind...I keep thinking how great an OLDER SON might be - to keep the little ones entertained :P

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Elaine,

I guess I may not have to make that call to you afterall. You summed it all up for me.... many things my heart and mind were already speaking.........

It's a blessing to call you friend,

Claudia

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:) I love you too!
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It is interesting how this topic has come up...

Since Anthony and I are a little older we have thought of adopting a toddler.

If we do decide to adopt again we would probably go that route...

It is just a shame that a child 3 years old is considered too old.

It breaks my heart to hear about children growing up in foster home to fostter home.

Linda

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Thank you for your valued insight, Elaine. You are a resident expert on the adoption of a three year old. My heart was heavy as I read Elizabeth's description of family after family not even willing to consider the possibilities. How sad for everyone involved. I hope Elizabeth will let us know how this story "ends"/"begins",

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I feel exactly as you do Elaine, you did a wonderful job expressing just how I feel. When we filled out our application to Abrazo we checked off Newborn-1 year old, 1-2 year old, 2-3 year old for the age range we would be open to ... we were really blessed to become Mommy and Daddy to one from each of those choices. Did we love Cassie any more because she was almost a newborn? Absolutely not. We loved all three the same ... because each one was our child, because each one made us a parent, because each one made us a family ... which is what our ultimate goal was. There are still so many firsts with a three year old. I hope and pray that someone digs deep into their heart and finds room for this little one.

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Sometimes I wonder if our PIWs are dealt a small injustice when we so strongly encourage them to come home from orientation and prepare their "nursery" (READ: "baby" room) ... rather than thoroughly search and prepare their hearts. I know toddler adoption isn't for everyone, and it definitely comes with its own challenges. But perhaps we unintentionally set up our PIWs to "expect" infants rather than "embrace" a child. :unsure:

Sign me,

One who adopted a 31-month-old and wouldn't change a thing :)

Edited by FeelingBlessed
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Sometimes I wonder if our PIWs are dealt a small injustice when we so strongly encourage them to come home from orientation and prepare their "nursery" (READ: "baby" room) ... rather than thoroughly search and prepare their hearts.... perhaps we unintentionally set up our PIWs to "expect" infants rather than "embrace" a child. :unsure:

Sign me,

One who adopted a 31-month-old and wouldn't change a thing :)

I agree with you! We were all sent home with the thought that we were now "expecting" (at least in our hearts if not in our wombs.) I believe the term used was "psychological pregnancy"??

Perhaps those who adopt internationally are actually showing a healthier response to becoming parents. After all, international adoption involves children already born. Many of the children being adopted thru international agencies are already toddlers/preschool age (or older!) by the times they reach their new homes.

Perhaps when everyone is sent home with the advice to get the nursery prepared, they should be advised to buy the crib that changes into a toddler bed....just in case.

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Good points, Karen and Martha... although I do believe that any parent-to-be needs to undergo a psychological pregnancy no matter what the age of the child they're adopting! and even Mary Poppins referred to her charges' room as the nursery, although they clearly weren't babies anymore.

I particularly like the idea of urging folks in orientation to be prepared for a wider range of possibilities than just newborns (although I don't know how open people truly are to that prospect at that point; sometimes, it seems a little seasoning over time softens their hearts.) And Karen, your point is well taken: at the age of three, there's still plenty of baby left and plenty of "first-evers" still to be enjoyed!

The difference is that three-year-olds can better communicate their joy and amazement, and witnessing that can indeed be a gift in itself that the baby experience doesn't offer.

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The difference is that three-year-olds can better communicate their joy and amazement, and witnessing that can indeed be a gift in itself that the baby experience doesn't offer.

Sorry Gang, long post....

This post is just my observation. I believe these toddler children are deserving of loving parents and a good home and I truly hope they find one soon.

In filling out our applications for Abrazo, there were areas regarding race, gender, age, and ethnicity of the children. Hopefully we all gave the time and consideration to each area and made the decision we were most comfortable with for ourselves.

Adopting todlers in comparison to adopting infants adds some complexity to the situation. It may be right for some and not for others. No judging here. Everyone has to decide for themselves what they want. In an adoption journey it is important to keep your mind open and yourself 'flexible' for various types of situations, but likewise it is important that you make the 'right' decision for yourself as to what will make you happy.

As you may have read in some of my other posts, we have a 3yr old niece, Lily, who has lived with us for a good portion of her life. She is truly a joy (yeah, even when she "acts three" ;) ). We have been blessed to play such an active role in her life. As with any particular age group, there are general characteristics to associate with that age such as ability to walk, talk, communicate, learning patterns, socialization traits,etc. It has been wonderful seeing her grow and learn through the years. It will be wonderful seeing her grow and learn in the years to come as well as seeing the joy she brings to her mother and family.

But, something to keep in mind as a PIW is the that as a first time parent, if one was to adopt a toddler instead of an infant, is that there are things that we would miss. There is a lifetime of love and discovery still to come but nevertheless, there are somethings we would not get to experience firsthand. So, that's something to consider when making a big decision such as this.

The PIW has missed the opportunity to carry a biological child. Now they must ask themselves if they are okay in missing many of the "firsts". First smile, first sleepless night, first feedings, first crawling, first walking, first talking, etc.. Relatively speaking, 3 years is such a small percentage of the child's life, but in that small time, a lot does happen.

So, it can be a difficult choice for PIWs who may have already felt 'cheated' by not getting to experience some things in building their family. It can be a difficult decision, when given a choice, to decide if they wish to possibly give up even some more of those very early childhood (aka "baby") experiences.

I think it has been said well here though that a toddler too can bring such joy to a family just waiting for that special someone. Looking at all the good things to come will easily outnumber the things 'missed', but it doesn't mean that you might not wish to have the opportunity to experience those with your child. So, I likewise understand why it could become harder to make the choice to adopt children as they become older.

There is not a single right or wrong in this situation. As stated above, it is a personal choice and you have every right to make that choice. Just be sure you consider all angles/issues.

Whatever one chooses, I just hope that God blesses you and guides you and your family throughout your life together.

:)

-A

Edited by Adam & Beth
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Maybe Abrazo should try calling Alumni that have already experienced those "firsts" about toddler adoptions. If the alumni marked on their original form that they were willing to consider toddler adoption (as we were), their files should be marked, or listed somewhere, in case something like this comes up again.

At least that way the BP has more opportunities to speak with families.

I really hope that mom finds what she is looking for.

Please keep us up to date on her progress!

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The PIW has missed the opportunity to carry a biological child. Now they must ask themselves if they are okay in missing many of the "firsts". First smile, first sleepless night, first feedings, first crawling, first walking, first talking, etc.. Relatively speaking, 3 years is such a small percentage of the child's life, but in that small time, a lot does happen.

Agreed. And, I know that many of us who have adopted older children do feel a certain sense of loss when we think of the "firsts" that we did not get to personally witness.

But, as one who has "walked the walk" with toddler adoption, I would hasten to add that not having these "experiences" does not diminish the impact of becoming "family." Missing some of the "firsts" does not limit your ability to love. Missing some of the "firsts" does not limit your ability to bond. Missing some of the "firsts" does not take away from the wonder of becoming more than just a "couple" or a "single."

"Firsts" are what you make of them ... and missing those "firsts" will also be what you make of them. No denying it, "firsts" can be wonderful ... but the reality is that, for most of us, they are not the end-all to everything. In our case, missing some of the "firsts" easily faded into the background the day we watched our newly-adopted toddler point to my picture and clearly say, "Mommy! Mommy!" with a smile on her face.

Edited by FeelingBlessed
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I have thought a lot about this, especially since at work we are promoting older child adoptions and there is a huge push through Tennessee for the same thing. I think as time goes on we would do an older child adoption.

I have an employee in Law School right now that was adopted one week before her 18 year old B-day. It really brought adoption together for me when she told me her story. I fell so hard that I offered her a job! :unsure:

I never realized how many kids are stuck in the system and can't get out because people are so scared to consider older child adoptions. And, the even more amazing thing is most of the kids are good kids that through life, parents sick, grandparents sick, etc. they didn't have any place to go. And even worse, their foster parents love them so much, at least you would think they love them, but they don't want to give up the monthly check to adopt them. I guess thinking of older kid adoptions you really think of dirty laundry, but really this isn't the case and good homes need to see that and be more willing to miss thoses first and think about the other first.

Like the wedding, home from school for christmas, maybe their first real family christmas, thanksgiving. I don't know, speaking with this person made me realize that I don't have to do just the infant thing and I could consider other thingw and still be happy as a family.

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Maybe Abrazo should try calling Alumni that have already experienced those "firsts" about toddler adoptions. If the alumni marked on their original form that they were willing to consider toddler adoption (as we were), their files should be marked, or listed somewhere, in case something like this comes up again.

I wholeheartedly agree, Tina! It seems to me that an "againer" would be a perfect fit for a case such as this.

Jesse and I have talked about adopting an "older" child on many occasions - from Honduras, from Colombia and, of course, from the U.S. I think when you've had the privilege to raise one (or two :D ) children from birth, the thought of not having all those "firsts" is much easier to handle.

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Maybe Abrazo should try calling Alumni that have already experienced those "firsts" about toddler adoptions. If the alumni marked on their original form that they were willing to consider toddler adoption (as we were), their files should be marked, or listed somewhere, in case something like this comes up again.

Very good suggestion..... I like this idea!

Edited by Tonycpa and Linda
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I do appreciate the idea of having againers willing to be considered for non-infant placements, but many moms placing preschoolers or tots are reluctant to consider families with other children already, for fear that parental loyalty to the pre-existing children will prevent their little one from getting all the attention and nurture he deserves. They often worry that their child can only truly win a 'starring role' in an adoptive home in which there are no other children with whom they must compete for affection.

"Firsts" are what you make of them ... and missing those "firsts" will also be what you make of them. No denying it, "firsts" can be wonderful ... but the reality is that, for most of us, they are not the end-all to everything.

Amen! Although once advised to anticipate fertility problems, I was blest to experience the gift of biological children, yet it still didn't ensure me all those "firsts" Adam cited.

I missed out on being the first to hold my firstborn because his beginnings were so tenuous, the doctors rushed him off to the NICU right away.

I didn't get to do the first feedings because my blood pressure levels required me to stay in L&D the first 48 hours of his life.

I didn't get to do his first bath because that was done by hospital staff when we were not present.

As for first sleepless night, there were plenty of those long before he even was born (and so many that followed, they blur in my memory.)

As for "first smiles, first crawling, first walking or first words", those unfortunately happened in daycare, so "my firsts" weren't necessarily his firsts.

Nonetheless, when I look back on the "first moments" that have meant the most, it seems to me they've been those which have occurred since he's been old enough to choose to share them with me; the first time he said his prayers all by himself, the first time he so proudly made his bed without any help from me, the first time he got to walk with scissors, the first time he wrote his name...

In the big picture, maybe what matters most is not what comes first but what lasts forever...?

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Jesse and I have talked about adopting an "older" child on many occasions - from Honduras, from Colombia and, of course, from the U.S. I think when you've had the privilege to raise one (or two :D ) children from birth, the thought of not having all those "firsts" is much easier to handle.

I think Marcelo and I would love to raise another child from birth, but we also realize that maybe there are other plans in store for us. :rolleyes: We are doing are best to let everything fall as it may with less intervention from our human hearts.

"Firsts" are what you make of them ... and missing those "firsts" will also be what you make of them. No denying it, "firsts" can be wonderful ... but the reality is that, for most of us, they are not the end-all to everything. In our case, missing some of the "firsts" easily faded into the background the day we watched our newly-adopted toddler point to my picture and clearly say, "Mommy! Mommy!" with a smile on her face.

I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I've had to relinquish many firsts since Dante attends school (daycare). The best example I can use is love. I didn't experience love for the first time in my life with Marcelo, but I couldn't imagine not being able to share my love now with him.

It may take time to decide whether toddler/older child adoption is for you. I know for us, it didn't come overnight. We have been a huge work in progress. For those of you that feel it isn't for you, that's alright too. We need all types of families in this world, but I just hope that some sole searching can be done before a decision is/was made. That is also where we have been a work in progress.

Claudia

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