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Picking & Choosing


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I have been reading about these "designer babies". One of the stories I read (Sorry, I can't remember where so we can't all send hate mail. :P ) stated that biological parents wanted the same "freedoms" given to adoptive parents. It posited that because adoptive parents can choose gender, race, disability, etc. that biological parents should be given the same opportunities. They worded it like it was discrimination to interfere with biological parents "natural right to choose". I got so angry I'm pretty sure I didn't finish the article (might have been on line).

Anyway, I think babies are gifts no matter where they come from or how they arrive. I personally felt very overwhelmed and underqualified "choosing" the characteristics of our future child. I felt much more comfortable staying open to what God had in store (His plans are ALWAYS so much better than mine anyway!). I think society today is too much into appearances. Live and Let God worry about the details!

Edited by tksimmons02
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Has anyone heard of or read about the new "moral dilemma" on the horizon in reproductive science? The term being used is "Designer Babies." That's right, the ability to manipulate DNA to accentuate certain desirable traits (intelligence, physical attributes, male vs female, etc.)

Not content to simply let "nature take its course," couples WILL have the ability in the future to "pick and choose" those traits they consider as desirable.

Does anyone else feel a sense of concern about all of this??? And what of the "designed" children who fail to "measure up" to their parents' expectations????????

Just as the moral ramifications of birth control was debated in the 60's and 70's, and IVF in the 80's and 90's, the new ethical debate may very well be "Designer Babies."

Martha,

You too saw the article headlining "Designer Babies". Read it last week, and have to give the way I feel about it to God. I can let things like this consume me.

On yesterday, I threw the paper out because I realized how looking at that cover picture, perfect baby???? was disturbing me further. And when I mean OUT!! : I walked it to the street myself not to miss trash pick-up. The fact that this is being compared to the cost of IVF and adoption at a reasonable rate? Outrageous!

Seeing the photo of the woman who had this brain child, reading her view and vision as a business opportunity instead of a moral dilemma is a responsiblity I would not want on my plate. The demand for this shocks me to the core. A Waiting LIST? for perfection. The sense of concern that these designer babies won't measure up sends a fear that has no place to land. I read article and am saddened because of my personal beliefs.

I view this as blantant disrespect to the greatest miracle GOD ever created.

What happens to the opps? Or on no, wrong color? Sadly, Success will be measure in this too. The numerous thesis' composed on the first test models, the five year study, etc... perhaps the return of the imperfect models to the scientist who created them. (Seems I saw a movie like that a time ago.)

Moral dilemma's, ethical debates, the demand to perform and succeed, the almighty dollar. The souls, I'll stop there, for now.

The individuals that pursue these avenues are questionable at best. It is best they walk this journey and leave the joy and blessing of adoption to us!

It's off my chest for now, with 2 cents and some change!

Have A Blessed Day! : )

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Amanda asked me a very important question the other day. The conversation went something like this:

"Mom, when you wanted to adopt (me), did you want me to look a certain way? I mean did you get to say ' I want a baby with blue eyes?'"

"No, I was committed to you before you were even born, I did not know what you would look like, but I knew you would be beautiful."

Amanda "Then how come we look kinda alike?"

"That I cannot explain."

Amanda "How come Lexi and I look kinda alike?"

"I cannot explain that either. We were committed to Lexi before we knew her or her birthmom." "Maybe God has something to do with it, not because we kinda look alike, just that we were mean't to be together as family."

Amanda "Maybe"

I started thinking about how I would feel if I had specifically "menu ordered" a baby, by birth or adoption (not that I ever would). Here would be my (10 years young) baby looking at me.... possibly asking how and why?

How would a parent answer those questions, if in fact, their baby was designed for thier own purposes and not God's?

Karen

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Are You Ready To Adopt?

What You Can Learn From Your Motives

by Barbara Holtan

Reprinted with permission of the author

published in Adoptive Families, March/April 2000

You're thinking of adopting a child. You're learning as much as you can about the process and the issues. But, you keep coming back to the same question: How will I know I am ready to take this life-changing step? To answer this question, you need to think about why you want to adopt. Your motives can reveal a lot about your readiness. To help you assess them, I have assembled a variety of motives expressed over the years by families that I have worked with. None of these is made-up. Perhaps you will recognize yourself in one - or several. Beside each motive, I have offered my opinion or advice regarding the wisdom of such thinking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Want to Adopt Because:

Reasons Barb's Advice

I want a playmate for my birthchild.

Hire a neighbor's child.

My religion tells me to reach out to those less fortunate than I am.

Put a big donation in the collection plate next Sunday.

My infertility is a constant sadness. It hurts terribly.

Infertility is devastating, but you must understand that adopting does not cure it.

We are quite well off and could give so many things to a child.

Write a check to your favorite children's charity.

Our marriage is shaky, and a child will bring us back together.

It will never happen.

Since we can't have birth children, I guess we might as well adopt.

It's a start, but you need to get past that notion of second best.

There's no difference anyway. Adoptive parenting and birth parenting are really the same. Aren't they?

No. Neither is better or worse, but they ARE different.

I really want to adopt but my husband is ambivalent. He'll come around once the child is ours.

What if he doesn't?

I feel so empty inside. A child will fill up that emptiness.

Find a friend.

I just want to cry when I think about all those poor homeless children. I think I'll take one in.

No child needs pity. Donate to the missions.

There's absolutely no child I couldn't love.

Ouch! I could show you a few.

I am a teacher (or mental health professional or social worker or doctor), and I am a "pro" at dealing with children.

Being a child professional is a lot different than being someone's parent.

All these children really need is a lot of love.

I used to think that too. Now I know better.

I/We just really like kids and want to add one (or more) to our family. I want to be someone's parent. I know I have a lot to learn but I want to begin.

Yes! Go for it, you're on the right road.

Barbara Holtan is Executive Direction of the The Adoption Exchange Association in Baltimore, Maryland

Back to Becoming an Adoptive Parent

Back to NYSCCC home page

NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.

410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850

607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035

office@nysccc.org

12/31/02

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Are You Ready To Adopt?

What You Can Learn From Your Motives

by Barbara Holtan

Reprinted with permission of the author

published in Adoptive Families, March/April 2000

You're thinking of adopting a child. You're learning as much as you can about the process and the issues. But, you keep coming back to the same question: How will I know I am ready to take this life-changing step? To answer this question, you need to think about why you want to adopt. Your motives can reveal a lot about your readiness. To help you assess them, I have assembled a variety of motives expressed over the years by families that I have worked with. None of these is made-up. Perhaps you will recognize yourself in one - or several. Beside each motive, I have offered my opinion or advice regarding the wisdom of such thinking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Want to Adopt Because:

Reasons Barb's Advice

I want a playmate for my birthchild.

Hire a neighbor's child.

My religion tells me to reach out to those less fortunate than I am.

Put a big donation in the collection plate next Sunday.

My infertility is a constant sadness. It hurts terribly.

Infertility is devastating, but you must understand that adopting does not cure it.

We are quite well off and could give so many things to a child.

Write a check to your favorite children's charity.

Our marriage is shaky, and a child will bring us back together.

It will never happen.

Since we can't have birth children, I guess we might as well adopt.

It's a start, but you need to get past that notion of second best.

There's no difference anyway. Adoptive parenting and birth parenting are really the same. Aren't they?

No. Neither is better or worse, but they ARE different.

I really want to adopt but my husband is ambivalent. He'll come around once the child is ours.

What if he doesn't?

I feel so empty inside. A child will fill up that emptiness.

Find a friend.

I just want to cry when I think about all those poor homeless children. I think I'll take one in.

No child needs pity. Donate to the missions.

There's absolutely no child I couldn't love.

Ouch! I could show you a few.

I am a teacher (or mental health professional or social worker or doctor), and I am a "pro" at dealing with children.

Being a child professional is a lot different than being someone's parent.

All these children really need is a lot of love.

I used to think that too. Now I know better.

I/We just really like kids and want to add one (or more) to our family. I want to be someone's parent. I know I have a lot to learn but I want to begin.

Yes! Go for it, you're on the right road.

Barbara Holtan is Executive Direction of the The Adoption Exchange Association in Baltimore, Maryland

Back to Becoming an Adoptive Parent

Back to NYSCCC home page

NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.

410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850

607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035

office@nysccc.org

12/31/02

Thanks for sharing this! I love her answers! (And I'm so glad I passed the test! :P )

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"Our marriage is shaky, and a child will bring us back together.

It will never happen."

Ok, this made me laugh so much. It really does change a marriage!

Really it is sad that so many people think that a child will fix things. All it does is add stress and if you can't handle it with just the two of you then a baby or child DOES NOT HELP. Please don't hurt a child by bringing them into something like this. We have a friend that did this and it is so sad. It ended in divorce and the child is who is hurt.

Thanks for the list.

Lisa V

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I think that it is great that God calls us to open our hearts to adoption, but it should never be because you are trying to score points or something. Also, infertility is a very difficult thing to deal with, but like it is said adoption doesn't cure it. For me, infertility opened me up to truly looking at where my life could go from there. It helped get us to where we are, but wasn't the reason we adopted. I'm sure there are many with fertility issues where adoption isn't even considered. I wanted to adopt to be a parent, to have A child and the other stuff like giving a child a home, doing something "good", well it can be all perceived like that, but the main thing is being a Mother and Father to Dante and Dante being our son period.

I don't think anyone fits into a little box of the why's especially at the beginning etc., but yet, in the end, we hope that the decision to adopt, however it was made is healthy for all involved.

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"Our marriage is shaky, and a child will bring us back together.

It will never happen."

Ok, this made me laugh so much. It really does change a marriage!

Really it is sad that so many people think that a child will fix things. All it does is add stress and if you can't handle it with just the two of you then a baby or child DOES NOT HELP. Please don't hurt a child by bringing them into something like this. We have a friend that did this and it is so sad. It ended in divorce and the child is who is hurt.

Thanks for the list.

Lisa V

That made me laugh too, especially since I have fertile friends that say that to me. :blink::blink:

People just don't understand--------

marklaurie - thanks for sharing - it did put a nice smile on my face.

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  • 3 weeks later...

There were two really great posts in response to a post I did recently on another subject (under the topic, "This is the Time You Want to Give Up, Finding a Needle in a Haystack") that I felt were just too good to not copy them here as they relate so directly to this particular subject.

I hope these posts will touch the lives of others who are still evaluating and making these types of decisions, they were spoken so much from the heart and I just wanted to be sure they didn't get buried somewhere where they wouldn't be found by someone looking for just this type of support.

-Lisa

Thanks Martha, actually - this time, it isn't so much to do with wanting it right now, it's wanting to know we're doing the right thing.....

It sounds as though you are having second thoughts. Perhaps you need to give it to God. Pray to him for peace of mind and heart in whichever way you are meant to go. Ask specifically for him to show you what you should do. Ask him to give you a sense of calm and peace with whatever decision you make.

"I just wonder, with the bumps we've had this time, whether it's something we're trying to force or whether this is just all part of it."

Personally, I think the experiences you are having are all part of the process. No two journeys are the same and yours has taken you up and down the hills and valleys of emotion. Each experience you have can teach you something and has a purpose of its own. Sometimes these reasons are not evident until much later and sometimes they never appear clearly. You have said several times that you are sad to think of parenting a single child and that the sibling bond is highly important. Perhaps, the hic-ups in this journey have served a purpose to cause you to pause and think. I wonder.............Have you considered how wonderful a little brother might be for Kayleigh? Maybe the pause is time for you to reflect on the narrow scope you have set for your next child. Perhaps God has someone else in mind. Please do not be offended. I truly believe that God has a plan and that he knows the child that fits perfectly into your family and lives. Maybe your hearts and minds need to have a broader scope, after all, Jesus loves ALL the little children of the world.

I can tell you that I never imagined myself raising a boy. I never imagined myself raising an African American boy. But God knew better. My hic-ups included 10 years of "trying", IVF, two matches that did not result in placement of what would have been a caucasian girl, and a caucasian baby sex unknown. Divorce, soul searching and opportunites created by God lead me to my precious son. He is the only child I can even imagine in my life. He is absolutely perfect in my eyes (And in God's) and I KNOW he is the one God selected for me. Why? I am certain He has a purpose both for Nathan and for me. Sometimes we have to let go and LET GOD. That's what I did and I have never had a doubt or second thought since.

I'm sending you hugs and love, Lisa. You are a friend and I hope you will take this post in the spirit that it is intended and that is just to give you food for thought as I can feel you are struggling with what to do.

Disclaimer: Only my opinion.

thanks Jean....your insight and kind words are much appreciated.

Lance and I had a long talk when he got home from work this evening...kayleigh had fallen asleep o we had one another's undivided attention which is a rare thing lately...possibly let it go too long [us checking in w/each other and really talking, rather than just being on auto-pilot as one tends to do because you just get so busy...easy to forget to take the time and just check-in...he's been travelling and working late and i've been caught up w/my stuff and anyway, maybe we just needed to sit down, take a deep breath and remember why we're here, doing what we're doing....i think too, norally, when i'm stressed, i would eat which i can't do now so i'm still learning how to cope w/bad days, gum weeks, anxiety, etc in other ways....this just all sort of caught me off guard and definitely, i feel better now having talked to him...i think i'm so worried we'll have another disappointment and i just wasn't sure i could go through another false start again, emotionally...anyway, doing better now [he reminded me of my strength and his confidence in me]...

thank you so much though...i am so touched by your words and thoughts and shoulder...which feels very good.

lisa

Dearest Lisa,

Gosh..I have wanted to reply sooner, but I have been trying to get my thoughts together. I completely understand your feelings, by now you know that you aren't alone and aren't the only one to questions this process.

I am so gald that you and Lance had the chance to reconnect and you are feeling better. Honestly - I think the purpose for the journey can only be known when you get to your intended destination.

Jean's word reflect a very similiar, personal and delicate conversation I had with two of my dearest friends in the world during their adoption journey. They were fustarted with the domestic process and had decided to pursue an international adoption while "waiting" for their domestic child. They had been on the list for over 3 years and they need to be placed with a domestic child at least 6 months before receiving the referal for their chinese daughter...it was down to a matter of weeks before they would have to put the whole domestic plan on hold - when Gabriel and I had dinner with them. I challenged them to re-think their check list on a lot of levels - but espically regarding race. For some reason - the whole having a chinese daughter would make them a transracial family had excaped them. I simple said - Chinese people are not white to my friends- maybe they needed to re-think things! I can honestly tell you that the silence at that table was loud! WE moved on to other subjects but the next day they called me to say they were headed to the SW to "talk things over". I don't really know what they did that day, but 4 weeks later when they saw their son Sam for the 1st time - my friends 1st thought was OMG - he's white! I do know that a few things got changed from a flat "no" to "consult" And they believe it DID make a difference in them being blessed with their son. . Three years later, we laugh about the whole process(only becasue both of us are done)... but I remember when they left for China 7 months later with their son in their arms, .....they called me from the airport to say "thanks for that chat".

I hope NO one is offended by me sharing that story - Gosh I hope not. Decisions about adoption are very personal, and I do understand that. And I am not saying that anyone should do any thing that they are not comfortable with....but I do believe sometimes I need to re-examine, re-think, re-educate myself, and sometimes things look different. Maybe that's what happened for my friends - I do know that I love them both and their two children. And If it hadn't been for April's pushing me to venture out on the internet superhighway after almost two years of waiting (again) When I was feeling like "it was never gonna happen a 2nd time" and "i was getting too old" and "maybe I was pushing my luck". If she hadn't pushed me this time, I might have missed out on some very special relationships- and I can't imagine my life without Parker and all of you!

Lisa - YOU are the blessing to many including Kayleigh, your birth daughter, your husband, your family and friends and the Forum community, and you so richly deserve to have all of YOUR wishes and dreams come true. You exude love, passion and have a real gift for putting yourself out there.

Keeping all of the special woman of this community in my prayers - All of your deserve to be Mothers - No matter if its for the 1st time or the 4th- No matter if the child they desire is a boy or a girl - No matter the color of the child skin. You all are amazing - and deserve to have your hearts desires fulfilled

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  • 3 weeks later...

One of the things that makes adoption professionals roll our eyes is when well-meaning adoptive applicants try to justify their demand for a "perfectly-healthy newborn, only" by saying "of course we would've gladly consider a special needs child, if only..." IF we were not already raising other kids who need our attention too... IF we were experienced parents... IF this were our first adoption... IF we were not adopting for the first time... IF I were a single parent with fewer demands on our lives... IF I had a spouse to help me... IF we had more family living close by... IF our family didn't live so close by... IF we made more money... IF we didn't make so much money so we could qualify for more assistance programs... IF we had a larger home... IF we didn't work fulltime... IF my spouse and I both had fulltime jobs with benefits... IF our home were not so large and didn't have a pool a handicapped child could fall into... etc., etc., etc.)

Here's a touching news story about one blessed child who "broke the if barrier" and did get "picked," despite the fact that many adoptive parents would've passed her by and not "chosen" to provide her a loving home because of her infirmities: Rianna's Big Steps.

Kudos to the courageous family who had already suffered so great a loss yet opened their hearts to a tiny child who needed a good home, no matter what "ifs" her future may hold.

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One of the things that makes adoption professionals roll our eyes is when well-meaning adoptive applicants try to justify their demand for a "perfectly-healthy newborn, only" by saying "of course we would've gladly consider a special needs child, if only..." IF we were not already raising other kids who need our attention too... IF we were experienced parents... IF this were our first adoption... IF we were not adopting for the first time... IF I were a single parent with fewer demands on our lives... IF I had a spouse to help me... IF we had more family living close by... IF our family didn't live so close by... IF we made more money... IF we didn't make so much money so we could qualify for more assistance programs... IF we had a larger home... IF we didn't work fulltime... IF my spouse and I both had fulltime jobs with benefits... IF our home were not so large and didn't have a pool a handicapped child could fall into... etc., etc., etc.)

Here's a touching news story about one blessed child who "broke the if barrier" and did get "picked," despite the fact that many adoptive parents would've passed her by and not "chosen" to provide her a loving home because of her infirmities: Rianna's Big Steps.

Kudos to the courageous family who had already suffered so great a loss yet opened their hearts to a tiny child who needed a good home, no matter what "ifs" her future may hold.

I think we all should acknowledge their courage and example by purchasing at least one calendar per family. What do ya'll think? Thanks for the link, Elizabeth. You have a great eye for fabulous and appropriate articles!

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Thank You Stork Central for that wonderful story. It's such a testimony for this family to walk in the exact shoes as before. Especially, when the first path ended painfully shortly after its beginning. I refer to this as honoring the cathedral within. The cathedral is the place that the experiences of life has built for you. It can be as beautiful or sorry as you make it.

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One of the things that makes adoption professionals roll our eyes is when well-meaning adoptive applicants try to justify their demand for a "perfectly-healthy newborn, only" by saying "of course we would've gladly consider a special needs child, if only..." IF we were not already raising other kids who need our attention too... IF we were experienced parents... IF this were our first adoption... IF we were not adopting for the first time... IF I were a single parent with fewer demands on our lives... IF I had a spouse to help me... IF we had more family living close by... IF our family didn't live so close by... IF we made more money... IF we didn't make so much money so we could qualify for more assistance programs... IF we had a larger home... IF we didn't work fulltime... IF my spouse and I both had fulltime jobs with benefits... IF our home were not so large and didn't have a pool a handicapped child could fall into... etc., etc., etc.)

______________________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth,

Thanks for the link and what a beautiful picture of child and Mom!

Now, my concern is that as much as I can empathize with how all the justifications make adoption professional's eyes roll, I worry that in itself doesn't make anything better. I know I have my own frustrations about openess to different situations in adoption and probably I would describe it as eye rolling too! Having personally been posed with the situation of considering a special needs placement, I sometimes even question myself as to why that placement may have not been the one for us etc. I sometimes wonder if it truly is because a child was special needs, medically, timing, not feeling connected in that way etc.

Just as we came to a transracial adoptioin in time, and now feel so strongly about the possibility of adopting fully AA, I wonder if it isn't that way or couldn't be that way for a special needs placement?

I don't have the answers to this question and therefore, I am asking it to you or other adoption professionals out there. Of course, trying to justify your reasons shouldn't be done if it's your way out, but finding your reason is very important to growth. I know I will never have all the answers or the right ones that will make others comfortable. All I know is that when you feel confident that you are open to growth and learning then no justification should be needed. I do enjoy talking things through though, so I can get to the root of the why's.

I hope that when you hear those responses from adoptive applicant's, you don't roll your eyes before talking it through. I know that when I hear the uncomfortable justifications about not wanting to adopt out of a family's ethnicity, I want to roll my eyes so bad, but then I remember where we were at one time too.

I truly would like to know how to get there... even though I know it may not be overnight. It's not a black and white answer in my opinion.

Just me,

Claudia

Edited by ElizabethAnn
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I just wanted to comment on Claudia's post about special needs placements. Not all "special needs" will be the same. I grew up with a cousin who would be classified as "special needs." He was born with a split-lip and a cleft palate (which were corrected over time thru several surgeries.) As a child, he also had to have tubes inserted in his ears. He was the 5th child born to my aunt and uncle. They took advantage of various resources available through the March of Dimes and the Crippled Children's program.

As an adult my cousin has suffered from sleep apnea, and has had to use a breathing machine at night. He is now in his mid-30's, but unless you know the background you would not know that he ever had so many challenges so early in life.

So, if you are given the opportunity to adopt a special needs child, I would recommend that you learn as much as you can about the "special needs" involved. There are programs available for almost every special need (and new programs become available as new needs are identified.)

I guess my point in posting on this thread is just to share my experience in growing up with a "special needs" cousin, and to let you know that there are rewards, as well as challenges, in any parenting experience!

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Of course, trying to justify your reasons shouldn't be done if it's your way out, but finding your reason is very important to growth.

Well said, Claudia ... It is a strong person who is willing to really look inside at the why's and wherefore's of their decisions in this area, and to stand their ground even when others might not agree ... when those decisions are truly made thoughtfully and prayerfully and not, as you put it, as just "a way out" ...

As a mother by both transracial and special needs adoption, I know it is not a place that most of us reach overnight, but that willingness to grow is so important and will reap wonderful blessings if we allow it!

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Hugs to Claudia, Martha, Stephanie and all who want to post but are unsure if it will come across the wrong way.

A special needs child does range and the range is often unknown until time passes with the maturity of each child. Starting "out the gate" with the possible expectations of needs is a fear all parents experience and often bury hoping for the best. Most parents relying on the professionals, have an idea(?) but at the same time, we all know miracles happen...yet we also know miracles can later be special needs. In no way of the professionals expense, their hope too is for the best. Whether it is of our beings, doings, or adoption we give birth in thought ahead of the arrival of each child. Let your hearts be prepared in the journey ahead...for each is a child of God carefully placed in hands that he feels secure in care. Although we raise our fist in anger, raise a tear stained face and ask, Why God? Rely on him when you are at your weakest, he will not forsake you. He will give you the eyes to recognize the blessing before you, in your own time.

Rejoice! Love, Nita

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Hmm... perhaps I should explain. What I find so frustrating (as cited in my prior post) is not the fact that some folks aren't qualified to adopt special needs kids; rather, it's the "NIMBY Factor."

Clearly not everyone is prepared to adopt a child with special needs. (Whether those same people would necessarily rise to the challenge of parenting a child with special needs had that child been born to them is a different issue, in my mind.) When you adopt, you come via a different set of circumstances, and as a result, you also get a different set of choices. Those choices are yours to make; it is then the duty of the agency to forecast whether they'll be able to fit your choices, given the needs of the children typically placed in their care.

Because applicants want to make a good impression, they may feel understandly conflicted about saying things that potentially put them in a "bad light." Still, it's essential for applicants to be truthful with agencies, and for agencies to be equally forthright (awkward though it may sometimes be for either party.) I'd rather know where a family truly stands (in terms of preferences vs. absolutes). I don't want them to use my time or theirs justifying their position; I'd rather hear from them whether they want me to help educate them about their options or if they're 100% sure of what they will or won't accept in a child, so my staff can then accurately assess whether or not our program is likely to work for them.

By saying "we might be open to some special needs, such as..." doesn't commit anyone to only being considered for those situations but it does open up a wider range of possibilities.

However, to say "well, we surely would, BUT" just to garner favor while actually playing the "Not In My Back Yard" game doesn't serve any child's best interests, and it's the litany of excuses that frustrates this adoption professional. In the words of Nancy Reagan, if you know beyond a doubt that a particular option isn't right for you or your family, just say no.

(And if you're not sure, say that, too, so we can explore together whether or not it just might be the child of your dreams that you're about to pass up, even if it doesn't look that way, on paper.) It's your choice to make. Just help us do our best work so we can help you make your own best decisions ;)

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it just might be the child of your dreams that you're about to pass up, even if it doesn't look that way, on paper.) It's your choice to make. Just help us do our best work so we can help you make your own best decisions ;)

Phew...I have literally woke up in the night before with my heart racing due to this thought. I wondered before getting "the call" who God had in mind for us to parent. Makayla was one of those that may not have looked perfect on paper, but she IS the child of our dreams...PERIOD!

I can imagine how ignorant my initial paperwork looked ( :( ). It was our first child, and we wanted nothing but the best. Not only did Abrazo educate us, but they did give us (and continue to give us) "nothing but the best".

Thank God (literally) that we got that call and accepted the child that was waiting. It scares me to death to think we may have done things any other way.

Thanks for your patience, Elizabeth. ;)

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Thanks Elizabeth for elaborating. I couldn't agree more! We do have different choices and trying to figure out how to make decisions based on such different choices is sometimes very tough. Thank you for validating the fact that adoption circumstances can be very different. I think we all need that reassurance, no matter how much experience we may think we have.

And, I know the Forum isn't a counselling area, but I do look to you and the rest of the Abrazo chicks for advice and knowledge since you ARE the experts. I may not get exactly what you are saying right a way and I may not always agree with everything adoption experts think or say, but I do appreciate the education and information.

Claudia

Edited by MarceloandClaudia
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I wonder how many birth parents pass up potential adoptive parents for the exact same reasons.. Let me explain

When waiting for Gabriel : I marked open to everthing for the very reason(s) elaborated by Elizabeth because I wanted to be presented to potential birth families as often as possible, and I was afraid that I would miss my "child" and I worked hard at NOT trying to picture what my child would really be like. On paper - surely I wasn't anyones perfect match! I was present with some very challenging and difficult situations...most of them when I thought it thru got educated and prayed.. I discovered I was really open to most . Gabriel's "situation" had a very specific set of challenges inculding Native American heritage, drug exposure and no birthfather inforamtion. Once I made the VERY painful decision to turn down a baby that I learned later passed away in the loving arms of the family that had agreed to foster her. I say a special prayer for them all the time.

AND the ironic thing about Gabriel's birthmom is that on her matching sheet she selected: African American or Biracial only VERY FIRM, Christian VERY IMPORTANT, stay at home mom, other child in the home. Not exactly a perfect fit - with a single working Jewish mom, no other kids and gulp...40 yrs old. Had she not been open to ME ----what we have missed out on!

What makes the differnce - is having agenies and social workers invested in the VERY best interests of all the clients that they work with. Latonya ( Gabe's Birthmom) looked at the profiles of the families that fit her "check list", and then afterwards the SW also showed her a few others that were also open to the specifics aurrounding her child, and I was in that stack. When we met - it was a great fit for us both....

I guess the bottom line is that NOBODY - is really exactly what they appear to be on paper, and decisions to accept a match or decline really need to be on so many other things...like connection, faith, love, shared values and ideals...and oh yea...listening to the whispers that assure you that you are making the right choice.

Edited by HeidiK
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I guess the bottom line is that NOBODY - is really exactly what they appear to be on paper, and decisions to accept a match or decline really need to be on so many other things...like connection, faith, love, shared values and ideals...and oh yea...listening to the whispers that assure you that you are making the right choice.

Beautifully stated, Heidi. ^_^

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What makes the differnce - is having agenies and social workers invested in the VERY best interests of all the clients that they work with. Latonya ( Gabe's Birthmom) looked at the profiles of the families that fit her "check list", and then afterwards the SW also showed her a few others that were also open to the specifics aurrounding her child, and I was in that stack. When we met - it was a great fit for us both....

..and oh yea...listening to the whispers that assure you that you are making the right choice.

I cannot imagine using an agency that did not get to know the birthparents and the adoptive parent on a very personal, one-on-one level. Thank heavens for this dedication - because God works through the eyes, ears, voices and hearts of the folks at Abrazo for the best of the children and the families with whom they are matching. And I agree, too, that we have to listen to the whispers that come from deep, deep in the soul that tell us we're making the right choice.

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I can totally relate. If it were not for the wisperings that everything would be o.k. with Emelie's adoption. We may have passed up the chance to be her parents. They told us it was a very high risk adoption. We asked for 24 hours to make a decision. It was not an easy road but one worth traveled.

Heather

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