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Picking & Choosing


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Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first:

I reviewed the first-ever application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

Elizabeth, you said there would be a first. . .though I don't believe you were referring to something like this.

Is this AC really open to "open adoption" :huh: As I often say though, "to each his/her own."

Cathy

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Hmm...that is a first! OH MY!!!

Lets just say that it is a wonder Kaitlin didn't arrive with a coke in hand when she was born! I might have drank a few Cokes while I was pregnant (as did Emma Claire's sweet birthmomma!).

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Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first:

I reviewed the first-ever application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

That, in my humble opinion, is an ideal example of moving from the ridiculous to the sublime!?! :rolleyes:

I'm guessing they would NOT be a good fit for Abrazo!!! :P

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I'm rendered speechless with that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P There are all kinds in this world............

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Ok... I realize that everyone must "set their own limits" with regards to the "type" of case (read: child) they're willing to accept, but today was a first:

I reviewed the first-ever application from a prospective adoptive couple who wrote in the margins that they will not consider any case in which the birthmother drank a caffeinated beverage during the course of her pregnancy.

That, in my humble opinion, is an ideal example of moving from the ridiculous to the sublime!?! :rolleyes:

Please, Please, Please tell me that 'odd' (for lack of a better term at the moment) applications such as these arrive very rarely.

While I respect everyone's right to decide what is or is not 'right' for them, hearing that people enter into the adoption process with preconcieved notions like this is a bit disturbing.

Caffeine, really? What's next, no exposure artificial sweeteners? :rolleyes:

-A

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You laugh Adam, but I had a mother look at me very disapprovingly at the grocery store yesterday over that artificial stuff.

Makenzie asked for some popsicles and I grabbed a box without looking at them. The woman's son asked for some popsicles too. She said "No honey, we don't eat those artificial things in our house. They cause cancer." Big FROWN directed at me.

I was SO TEMPTED to hand one to Makenzie and one to her poor son! My basket was piled high with fresh fruits and veggies for Makenzie, but everyone needs a little break sometimes. Popsicles are Dr. recommended for soar throats too. ;)

Elizabeth,

You should create a top ten list of ridiculous things people say on their applications.

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I too would love to see the top 10 list!

If you accept the couple, you should serve LOTS OF CAFFEINE at their orientation!!!

Susan

PS Tina -- Tasia loves popsicles too...and you are right, everyone deserves a treat sometimes! I buy the ones with the joke on the stick. Now when Tasia is done, she hands us the stick and waits for us to read the joke -- when we reads the punchline she laughs although she really does not get the joke! Too cute!

Edited by Susan
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Is that even a realistic expectation, I mean really no caffine, I always thought I would not drink caffine, but when it came down to it, I was not able to give it up, but I did cut back. I know both the boys birthmoms had caffine during their pregnancies, though one more than the other. Well I agree is this couple even a good fit for Abrazo? I was recently talking with my first adoption social worker, and we were discussing openess not only in terms of contact but in accepting of cases based on medical info and the like. And how the pickier you are the longer your wait can be. You have to have faith, and be open to things, though I agree you also have to know your limits, but come on caffine? Hey all the books now say that I think 2 cups of coffee a day are okay during pregnancy, but they do still suggest limiting your caffine intake.

Out of curiosty they are only worried about caffinated beverages, do they realize that there is caffine in other things?

Hey I am with you guys on the popsicles, I would problaby opend the box and given one to my child in the store. We do not do alot of popsicles, but we do keep them for when the boys gets sick, and we tend to use the sugar free kind. But we do not use alot of artifical sweetners around here either. Nathan uses them in his tea when we are out, but I do not keep them at home, though I know many things we eat probably have them in them, I just do not add them to things.

Well to each his own, best of luck to this couple, i hope they find what they are looking for or come to the realization they are being unrealistic.

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Makenzie asked for some popsicles and I grabbed a box without looking at them. The woman's son asked for some popsicles too. She said "No honey, we don't eat those artificial things in our house. They cause cancer." Big FROWN directed at me.

Ahh, the holier than thou! :rolleyes: Although, Briton loves tomatoes. She has loved them ever since she started eating real solid food. I had more than 1 person tell me they thought it really odd that she liked tomatoes or that they couldn't believe I was feeding them to a toddler. I never could understand the looks we would get until someone told me that is was an old wives tale that tomatoes were poisionous for kids! Never have I been so astonished - people actually thought I was poisoning my daughter! Either way she hasn't stopped eating tomatoes, which I cheer for as it is a super easy veggie to give at dinner (cherry tomatoes especially!).

But caffine??? That is a little extreme.

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You laugh Adam, but I had a mother look at me very disapprovingly at the grocery store yesterday over that artificial stuff.

Makenzie asked for some popsicles and I grabbed a box without looking at them. The woman's son asked for some popsicles too. She said "No honey, we don't eat those artificial things in our house. They cause cancer." Big FROWN directed at me.

I was SO TEMPTED to hand one to Makenzie and one to her poor son! My basket was piled high with fresh fruits and veggies for Makenzie, but everyone needs a little break sometimes. Popsicles are Dr. recommended for soar throats too. ;)

Elizabeth,

You should create a top ten list of ridiculous things people say on their applications.

poor kid. I feel sorry for him for two reasons. first, he has a mom who is incredibly rude and, second, she's so strict that even an occasional popsicle is off limits? geez.

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had a mother look at me very disapprovingly at the grocery store yesterday over that artificial stuff.

Makenzie asked for some popsicles and I grabbed a box without looking at them. The woman's son asked for some popsicles too. She said "No honey, we don't eat those artificial things in our house. They cause cancer." Big FROWN directed at me.

I was SO TEMPTED to hand one to Makenzie and one to her poor son! My basket was piled high with fresh fruits and veggies for Makenzie, but everyone needs a little break sometimes. Popsicles are Dr. recommended for soar throats too. ;)

It's times like that even though I probably wouldn't chime in, I'd be thinking:

  • Lady!:
  • I hope you're washing all your fruits and veggies to remove pesticides, those things can cause cancer
  • I hope you're putting sun screen on the baby everytime they take a trip outside. UV light is bad for baby.
  • I hope you're using 'safe' laundry detergents. Who knows about those chemicals?
  • I hope you're not using too much anti-bacterial soap. That's bad. You'll Lower their disease resistance.
  • I hope you're not giving your child too much natural sugar. Childhood obesity, diabetes :ph34r:
:rolleyes:

Sheesh, I mean come on. Besides the person being rude, I doubt they avoid every 'questionable' thing in the world either. We are parents and make choices for our children, and generally (hopefully), parents are going to look out for the welfare of their child. So, bottom line to that lady is obviously "don't judge" and "don't cast the first stone".

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Wow! I have to say that I entered the adoption world quite ignorant of many things. Over time I have been educated through many of you that transracial adoption can work well (although many posts as of late seem to say that adoption period is harmful to children). I have also learned that I am willing to accept that there was no prenatal care, and can still have a healthy baby. Not all stimulants, drugs, or tobacco products will permanently harm my child.

I am thankful that I have had this forum as a resource. I hope that others are able to find it a supportive and helpful resource as well.

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I am thankful that I have had this forum as a resource. I hope that others are able to find it a supportive and helpful resource as well.

Me too, and I definately do :rolleyes:

Cathy

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Just a word to the wise... hard as this may be:

PLEASE be realistic in your assessment of your adoption budget, and DO NOT commit to matches or cases that you know truly are beyond your means.

The agency staff cannot provide financial counseling and we have no means of 'rescuing' you, if you opt to match with a case you cannot afford. Fees and case expenses are always due in full at/by time of placement; as a truly nonprofit agency, we have no means of financing your case (nor covering your case costs for you, nor accepting credit cards, nor working out payment plans) if you get in over your head.

Never match with any case assuming that all the medical bills will be covered by Medicaid or insurance coverage in the end, because any and all unpaid, birth-related medical bills can (and will) become your legal obligation upon matching and/or placement. You must be financially prepared for this to happen, regardless of whether there appears to be Medicaid or insurance available, because coverage is never guaranteed in advance.

If you wish to eliminate any possibility of ever having to pay for prenatal and birthing costs (which run $7-10k for private pay cases, assuming there are no complications), then eliminate any consideration of any infant cases and seek toddler or sibling situations instead. But if you are determined to adopt only a newborn/infant, then you must budget for at least $7-10k (or more) in medical bills-- just in case.

We know this is the investment of a lifetime. We realize that very few folks have this kind of money just laying around. We understand that these are extremely emotional decisions and it's hard to think of passing up what seems like your "dream case," based on the bottom line. But please: do NOT overextend yourselves, if doing so will jeopardize the stability of your home or your family.

That's NOT in the best interest of children-- not yours nor ours nor anybody else's.

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"How do you pick out a kid? How do you know which one is going to be tall and attractive and smart? How do you know which one is going to have a good disposition? How do you know which one is going to laugh at her father's jokes? The answer is-- you don't. You can't. It's exactly the same chance you take as having a child (biologically)."

-- George Burns, Gracie: A Love Story

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This is so true. Many people don't understand that. I remember having a discussion with my mom about this very thing when I told her about my upcoming placement of my son. I compared it to Russian Roulette and was only half kidding. It's beyond our control. When a biological child is conceived, the parents are not able to specify gender, hair color, eye color, personality, preferences, etc. Yes, genetics come into play. However, I look at my five brothers and sisters who have the exact same genetic pool and had the same environment and we're all as individual as we can be. SO George, I agree with you. Everything we do in life has some degree of risk involved. Becoming parents is no different.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just thought it might be helpful to expand upon the "checklist" that's included in Abrazo's application so prospective PIWs-to-be can start considering the various risk factors that are present or may arise in many matches/placements? Research various scenarios and be proactive in learning about the risks below, so you can better prepare, adjust your expectations if need be, and learn to manage unanticipated crises:

How will you feel / adjust / cope / help, in the event that:

... the baby you take home develops special needs or is found to have unanticipated problems?

... the baby's mother or father is diagnosed with H.I.V.?

... the birthfather was wrongly identified prior to placement?

... the birthparent who chooses your profile is employed in the sex industry?

... the birthparents misrepresent their own information in an effort to make the baby more desireable to you?

... the baby is born with unanticipated handicaps or complications?

... the birthmother elects to breastfeed her baby?

... the baby's birthparents call you with an urgent need for a loan?

... the baby has been conceived via rape or incest?

... the baby's mother tests positive for drugs during prenatal care or while hospitalized?

... the birthparents are treated badly by the hospital or medical staff?

... the baby is born with birthmarks?

... either of the birthparents becomes incapacitated (by mental illness or addiction or an accident)?

... the biological mother is under treatment for depression?

... the baby is born a hemaphrodite?

... the birthgrandparents want contact, in opposition to the birthparents' wishes?

... one or both birthparents have a history of suicide attempts?

... the baby doesn't look like you'd hoped or expected?

... the placement is followed by an unplanned pregnancy (for the adoptive family or the birthfamily)?

... the biological father struggles with schizophrenia?

... the birthparents suddenly express a desire to place an already-born sibling with the coming baby?

... the birthparent does not have/qualify for Medicaid coverage?

... the birthfamily has previously been involved with Child Protective Services?

... a prospective birthmother has Hepatitis C?

... the baby is missing a (or is born with an extra) digit (finger/toe)?

... the birthparents have a problem with or history of domestic violence?

... a baby's ethnicity is other than what was expected prior to the birth?

... one or both of a child's parents are/have been incarcerated?

... you learn that there is previously-undisclosed Indian heritage?

... a custody challenge is initiated by a third party after the placement is done?

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