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Abrazo's Birthparent Support

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Big thumbs up to Abrazo for not pressuring birthparents toward a decision to place.  

After speaking with a birthmother last night, we talked about this decision and how the only people who can possibly know what is the right decision are the birthparents..... not an Adoption Agency, not Adoptive Parents, not Birth Grand-parents, etc.  Ultimately, the birthparents are the only ones who know if placement is the right choice for them and their baby.  

She told me about her conversations with Abrazo and how they've been very supportive of whatever decision she makes - even providing her with information on programs available to her and her baby should she decide to parent.   Kudos Abrazo!!!  

As a birthparent, I find this to be just one more reason why Lance & I made the right decision in choosing Abrazo as the adoption agency we want to work with to help us adopt our baby.  I could not bear the thought of adopting our baby from birthparents who were pressured into thinking that adoption was their only choice and their best choice.  Unfortunately, I believe it may be the case that there are STILL (argh!!! ) agencies/attorneys out there with this type of philosophy.  

Thank you, thank you Abrazo for offering your unbiased support to these people who have a HUGE decision to make and for helping to empower them to look inside themselves to find the choice that is best for them and their baby.

You have our deepest respect -

Lisa & Lance

P.S. I hope I won't be tarred & feathered for saying this also but I just wanted to comment on this as well.  I've spoken with more than one birthmother who has said something to the effect of, once they make their decision and decide to place and match with their Adoptive Parents, they feel something of an obligation to place their baby with that family because if they changed their mind, they're concerned for how that will make the Adoptive Parents feel.  This saddens me to hear this.  If you make a decision to place & match with a family and later re-evaluate your decision to place and decide that parenting the baby yourself is actually the right decision for you & your baby or that you'd rather place with a different family...That's Ok.  Yes, we will be heart-broken.  Yes, we will be disappointed but we can pick ourselves up and try again - our babies are out there and when it is the "right" baby, they will find us.  Abrazo has a great motto for us prospective Adoptive Parents..."it's not if, but when".  I steadfastly agree with this and I hope all other APs do as well.  When it is the right time and the right baby, all will fall into place and we will become the parents of the child that is meant for us to parent.

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Guest Paul and Michelle D

What a beautiful post!  I totally agree.  As APs, we understood that fact that a decision can not be fully made until after the baby is born.  This comes from someone who went through a disrupted adoption plan.  Were we sad?  Of course...but out of the process came a heightened sense that everything happens in "His" time. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes months or years to understand why.  For us, we were lucky, it took us a couple of months to understand...we have a beautiful daughter that was meant to be with us!  We would have been more heartbroken if the placement occurred out of a sense of obligation.  Anyway...I still think about the birthmom who decided to parent and wish her the very best life has to offer.  We fell in love with her and know that she is a GREAT mommy and her son is very lucky to have such an amazing woman as his mom!

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  • 4 months later...

I had no idea what to expect when I went to Abrazo for the first time.  

My good friend Timo told me that he had placed his daughter several years before and that I should check them out.

So, I did.  

Barbara took me to lunch across the street at this Mexican resturant (I loved mexi food while prego!;) and we had good conversation.

She asked me all of the right questions to get me thinking and I started on my path to Jennifer and Doug and Miller.

I never felt any pressure to commit.  The pressure that I got was from outside looking in and judging me for thinking about this plan.  (friends lost)  

I didn't talk to Barbara for a month because I thought that I had decided to parent.  It just sounded so good to everyone else.  I really didn't think about the reality of this deal until I was a cruise comercial and thought "I am never going to be able to do that!"  I will never be able to take my child to Sea World because I have no money...

This was the pebble that started down the preverbial snow covered hill.

Anyway-The support that I find through the staff and the forum has been a lifesaver.  They know what to say to get your mind going.  And they offer a good pillow of support for my weary, sometimes jaded head to lay on.

I never felt any pressure to go through with this adoption, even when the film crew was in my face, trying to complete the documentary. (no pressure at all) :)

So-Thanks to the staff for your kindness.  You are in the right field.


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  • 2 years later...

sad.gif u know the amazing thing during this process, is that no matter how loving and supportive you have been to your friends and family......even non-judgmental (is that a word) biggrin.gif .....the people that are gonna hang tuff with you are not the ones you hung tuff for. its very sad, at first i thought it was just me and i was being insecure about how people felt vs. what they told me they felt about it. PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH IN REALITY. it boggles my mind to think the people that i can lean on and are happy about me starting over and on the path to achieving my dreams, are people who nothing invested in my life before 6 months ago, AND THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD OF BEEN THE MOST AFFECTED BY ME PLACING. the people handling the best are the birth father, and my other 2 children. it sickens me to think that my 11 and 9 year old, are more loving and accepting of the whole thinga than the adfults in my life. and as time goes on and little feelings are let out...i find myself distancing myself from them and not caring about it. that frightens me because many times in the past i have been the glue that held many relationships together. but i just feel in their eyes they dont see what they are doing, i really think that they dont think i see their "shame, disappointment, pain" and knowing me, they know im not going to confront them with others around. i feel it is of a great loss. eventually, they lose more than the 2 boys, they will have lost me, and my 11, and 9 year old.......and they will not understand. i just dont see how people can look in the mirror, everyday, and not see what they do. they all dont want to blame me.....so they look to the birthfather. yes, he had a lot to do with the choice, but really it takes 2 to make a relationship bad. but when it comes right down to it........through the pregnancy he was there more than they were. and after the placement, he has been the one to give me a shoulder, been my punching bag (literallly, and hes a small guy, poor dude), and.....the one to be happy with me.

has anyone else encountered anything like this, or is my circle of family and friends just certifiable. sad.gif


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hours later..........i ponder what i wrote, but you know it did help.........after i got off i made some phone calls i had been avoiding and some i had just been putting off. i know some of us birthmoms just dont want to show the negative side we "want" to be happy, and make our lives better. but this, this is our safe haven, those who read will understand, also some need to understand. so please join me in using this as your sounding board. i may not have traveled all the paths you've been down, but there is one we have in common. and that particular one no one can pretend to understand but those that have been down it.


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Dear BreadandWater - I can't even imagine the hours of thought and anguish that must go into the decision to parent or make an adoption plan - I try to imagine, but I know that whatever images I get can only be pale shadows of what you and all the other birthmothers go through - both the birthmothers who decide to place and the birthmothers who decide to parent.

I can tell you that you and I may be the only two with a circle of friends and family who are certifiable, but I am right there with you understanding that the people who you most count on for support are frequently AWOL - and then out of nowhere sometimes people step up to be there for you.

It is really hard to be there for someone when they need you. Many people think only of themselves and what they think, and feel, and want - what is best for them. I think it is a human tendency to do what is easy. Heck, maybe it is a natural tendency in general - look at rivers - they take the easiest course downhill to the sea. I think it takes an act of love to look beyond yourself and put yourself in someone elses 'shoes' and give them support in the hard things.

Please know that there are a lot of us who have never met you in person, may never meet you, but who are here for you - and who are honored by your openess on the Forum - you may not think of it as loving others to share yourself here - but it is an act of love - and we are all better for your having poured your heart out here.

Thank you.

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Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts. What an inspiration you are to others!

I can not say that I know how you feel or where you have been. I do know the disappointment and frailty (at times) of different relationships though.

Hang in there. You are a beautiful person on the inside and out!!! I feel priveleged to have met you at Orientation and at the B-Mom meeting.

Thanks for all of your advice, encouragement, and insight. I enjoy your posts very much!!!


p.s. I hope some of you other B-mom's out there that are not in the habit of posting will join breadandwater. We would love to hear from you and be there for you too. smile.gif

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I guess I was blessed and had my family & friends there for me. My Mom passed away about two weeks before Camp Abrazo 2004 & she was going to get to meet the son that I placed back in March of 1994 for the first time. But she saw everything from above & has always approved of the adoption plan that we (family & I ) chose. It was just a blessing & God's work that I was able to have a son & make someone else's family complete. I knew that I couldn't give my son everything that he needed or deserved. In the first place I was not suppose have children because of my Lupus and kidney problems so it was a blessing when I did find out I was pregnant. It was a wonderful blessing meeting up w/Abrazo & Elizabeth and finding the right family. I couldn't have asked for anything better to come out of this except to have a beautiful & health son & finding the right family for him. That has been accomplised!

Everything works out for a reason & with the Lord's help!

Have a Blessful Day!


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Bread and Water,

I am so sorry that you are having some problems right now. I want you to know that you have found a place to talk with unconditional love and support. We may not have met, but I think we really do know each other becasue we are sharing some very personal information. Adoption has touched everyone on the forum and we know how beautiful is!!!! I know that happier times are ahead for you.


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thanks for all the kinds words............usually, it doesnt bother me so. but ive said it before....through this process (i believe its true on both sides) you learn there is a big difference between acceptance and support. i guess just a couple days in a row i had a lot of contact with some that tried to be supportive, but tried to act accepting, the truth is. i'd rather you just spit it out and say it which way you lean. so i know where to lean when i need it. instead of leaning and almost falling over and walking away and feeling "stupid" as if i should of known better.

anyway....thanks for the kind words they do help.


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