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Mari,

Jordan's first mom is in the picture by relationship with me only at this time (Jordan is 2 1/2). We communicate through text mostly, but we are also friends on FB and occasionally by phone. We would love to see her in person and be able to have Jordan and Monica meet, but it isn't reciprocated. Since Jordan was entrusted to us we have offered many times to visit with her in San Antonio, invited her and the girls to come to camp and asked if we could pick her up and treat her to a day/weekend of fun with us but she just isn't ready to have face to face contact with us post placement. I will be honest and say for a long time I took this personally and felt that I had failed our daughter and Monica and that I had done something wrong. I wore guilt on my shoulders and felt horrible for failing at having the open relationship that we talked about having pre placement. There came a day when I had to be more understanding of Monica's grief and to try to accept that she didn't know what it was going to be like to endure a placement of her child that sometimes hopes change. That it really wasn't something I needed to be wear guilt for and had to let that go. Through the last year our relationship has opened up more. She is becoming more responsive to me and my attempts to reach out to her. Most of my texts to her are answered now and we have shared a few great conversations by phone that I treasure. Every time I post a picture of Jordan on FB, she 'likes' it and has sent me a few responses privately about how big she is getting or how cute she is. We send her gifts and pictures, to let her know we love her, and to remind her she is treasured by our family and that we are ready for more personal contact for her and for Jordan when she is ready.

With all this being said, we still find it crucial to give Jordan roots, to have her adoption and birth family be a part of her development. We are very thankful to Abrazo and the community to help us help her with this understanding. When we make our trip in March we come to celebrate Jordan, to celebrate being a family and to celebrate meeting her precious birth family who gave her life and entrusted her to us. We do things like, drive by her home that she lived in utero with her birth family, visit Christus Santa Rosa where she was born, visit the AbrazoChicks, the courthouse where we finalized and will take her to the children's museum (we all visited there preplacement and have pictures of all her parents together, her birthsisters and her in her moms tummy). We also talk about Monica regularly in our home and show her pictures of her that I download from her FB page. We tell Jordan that she has another mom, that her name is Monica, that she is her beautiful tummy mommy, that she and D met us at Abrazo in San Antonio. We have one of those pictures of us all at the children's museum framed in her room so she sees them regularly and grows up knowing we love them and hope she will grow up knowing and feeling comfortable to ask questions or to come to us with any sadness she feels.

I have faith that one day we will be able to give Jordan face to face contact with her mom and sisters. We won't ever stop trying to foster that relationship for her, not to mention Scott and I love her and miss her. As far as the birthdad goes, I don't know if we will ever see him again, hopefully one day he will ask Monica or Abrazo how to reach out to us.

Thank you for asking, I love knowing you are interested and I open the door to you for any questions to me or feedback. Also, I ask for help you might offer in ways that I might be able to encourage Monica understand the importance to Jordan in having her in her life.

Merae

Edited by keepingfaith4us
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Mari, I just wanted to tell you that you are such a blessing to this community. Your insight and wisdom are so valuable. You always have a level head and loving heart in the words you share, and I ap

Thank you Leah! I'm glad I was able to add to my photo gallery. I was trying to figure out how to post from my phone, since I can't get access to Abrazo website from home computer.. And to borrow

Beth Thank you Beth… I needed the hugs …. Not feeling sorry for myself or anything, it’s just part of the journey and process and those bitter sweet moments that creep up especially during SPECIAL/Me

Mari,

Hello-

No, M-I, is not currently in our lives.

Kevin and I did not meet M-I until Alexander was almost 4 months old. She originally wanted a closed adoption. When we went to the hospital 2 days after Alexander was born to meet Audra and to meet Alexander, she had already elected to leave the hospital.

We received a letter from her a month after Alexander was born, I spoke with her on the phone Christmas Eve of 2011 and we met her in San Antonio on a Sunday in February 2012. We had a lovely meeting and we were able to take a couple of pictures of her holding Alexander. She said that attending group meetings at Abrazo had really helped her and that is why she had decided to send us a letter.

Anyway, we continued to text one another and we were due to meet after finalization in May of 2012 but she never returned our texts or calls that weekend. We had tried to contact her a few times after that weekend but she never returned any of the messages. We have not heard from her since that May.

She rang Abrazo in Spring of last year and was planning on coming by and picking up the pictures and the letters that we had sent but she did not go by. We were very happy when Abrazo had called and told us she had contacted them. We were quite sad when Abrazo rang us and told us she did not go by.

We always hope that she will make contact again. She bought Alexander a water globe that plays music and every night after his bath, we wind it up and dance to the song. We have the pictures of him and M-I together, so that he can see her. We treasure the pictures of them together so much.

So we'll always go to San Antonio to show Alexander where he was born and to hopefully, one day meet with M-I, again.

Thanks for asking and I hope that we can meet you when we head to San Antonio in 2014.

Leah x

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Merae, Leah

Thank you for replying.. I will be back to comment on both as soon as I can do from a computer.. Trying to reply from my phone would take me all day and night. :)

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Happy Birthday to my sweet and beautiful Angel Girl.. Exactly 5 yrs ago today you blessed us with your presences.. Of course you were 7 wks early and only 2.5 lbs.. But look at you now.. We love you and thank God for you!!!

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Happy Birthday to my sweet and beautiful Angel Girl.. Exactly 5 yrs ago today you blessed us with your presences.. Of course you were 7 wks early and only 2.5 lbs.. But look at you now.. We love you and thank God for you!!!

Happy 5th Birthday to your beautiful granddaughter!!
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Merae,

This saddens me for everyone’s sake but especially Jordan’s. I’m sorry you took it personally, and being on this side of the fence I feel confident enough to say it had/has nothing to do with you. I’m glad you came to realize it was M’s grief. And I believe you are so right, on her not knowing what it was going to be like. You know at the beginning one knows it’s going to be difficult, you know it’s going to hurt and you may even think you have a lot of it figured out, then the time comes and you find that it is much harder than you ever dreamed of, the most difficult choice and experience of your life. I saw my daughter go through it, I have talked to many first mom’s who have shared the same thing. Some have as Monica chosen not to have a relationship with their child or child’s family, believing it is easier; others have forged ahead through the thick of it, dealing with the pain, putting their children once more ahead of themselves and having a relationship with their child as my daughter and many others have. And they have found it was so worth it. My daughter cannot imagine not seeing her daughter, not being in her life. Was it easy? Not by any stretch of the imagination, I can’t even comprehend myself how hard it hurt and how hard first moms had/have to work at staying in touch and having a relationship with their children and their children’s families, but they did it for the sake of their child. It is extremely hard and they are so strong and courageous to entrust their precious child, but it seems to me that even in the face of this strength and courage, it is twice as hard if not harder to see them being raised by someone else, even if they know that it is best for their child. I am sure guilt plays a big part with many as well; having to face that each time they see their child may be too much.

I can only guess (and fear) that if some are waiting for the pain to ease up before they have a relationship with their child, what happens when they finally decide to see him/her and the wound rips open again because instead of attending to their wound (heart/pain)little by little and gradually allowing a scab if you will to build, they’ve instead been protective of it and kept it covered with a band aid, now it’s open again because truly they hadn’t healed, because they didn’t allow themselves too. These are the types of conversations my daughter and I had on a daily bases for so long, we also continue to have very frequent conversations, a day does not go by that we do not talk about something regarding my granddaughter.

Helping Monica understand how important and even vital this is, is tough. My hope is that she and other fmoms in the same situation have someone they can talk to, or find someone to share with that can identify with them and how they are feeling, also a voice of reason or someone that can help them see the bigger picture. Does Monica have anyone like that in her life? Someone that can play the devil’s advocate if you will and open up dialog with pros and cons? Help her put it in perspective, Offer to be with her, hold her hand while she may be makes a short visit with ya’ll in person? Someone that can hold her and let her cry after the visit, and let her know that she is not alone? Someone that knows what makes her tick, knows her fears, and how much she can handle to be able to reassure her that she is much stronger then she thinks she is? Does she go to group? If not is she open to going? If not group, do you think she is will to meet with someone who has been there and has that openness with their child? I’m sure Elizabeth would be able to find someone Monica could talk to.

I am glad you are keeping those lines of communication open with her. I also hope that one day she will want that relationship for the sake of Jordan and Jordan’s siblings.. Because those relationships I understand can be very good and strong if they are nurtured right.

It’s also wonderful to know how much it means to you and Scott to have Jordan know her roots and where she first started. She’s two and a half, it seems like it won’t be long for questions to start coming from her. My daughter recently experienced this, she knew they would come; we talked about it on and off early on, but didn’t think they would come so soon.

Thank you for sharing with me, sorry I didn’t have a lot of good answers for you.. Each person is unique and handles things differently even with a similar journey. I will keep Monica, Jordan and her siblings in my prayers.

Hugs to you!

Leah,

Thank you for sharing with me.. I also hope to meet you one day and I will add Alexander and his fmom to my prayers. I know sometimes fmoms choose to not have contact due to circumstances. My heart goes out to all of them.

Hugs to you!

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((((Mari))))

I also cannot imagine the pain that first moms and Monica have to endure. She is sooooo courageous and brave to choose adoption for her girl and I know she loves Jordan very much. She told me recently via text that she knew we were going to be great parents and that she is not disappointed in us. Those words from her were such a gift to me to hear(read) and I love her so much for giving me that peace. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a first mom and see your child again with their parents,like you said ripping that scab open.

Mari, it really breaks my heart to think of the little support that Monica has for her. She is extremely shy and doesn't have very many friends. Her family opposes her having placed and having an open adoption, they have told her that they think openness is weird and have voiced that she shouldn't know about us or Jordan. So we are hoping through time that they can see we mean well, our intentions are good and that we want them in our lives too and especially be more supportive to Monica. I think from looking on her FB page she may be gaining a couple more friends that I am hoping will turn out to be closer, deeper friendships and that she will be able to confide in them. A very positive thing is that she confided in her boyfriend and told him about Jordan. She says he is very supportive of her and her decisions and I am hoping that he will be that rock that she needs. I know when we made our trip last March, she shared with him about us being there and our wishes to want to connect with her. She told me that she would show him our pictures I posted on FB and he told her "You should go meet them, you know you want to." So I am very thankful that she has him and that he is supportive of her and loves her. Also I am hoping that even though she hasn't accepted our invite to see her (and her boyfriend) this March yet, that we may still get a chance when we get there.

I know she knows she is always welcome to go to group and that the Abrazochicks are always there for her, but I think that might be one of those things she just feels will open up that wound again. Ya know? You do bring up a good point though about connecting with others that can relate and I think I will remind her she is always welcome there when we chat next.

Hugs to you too, Leah! I know it is hard when we really want to have access and involvement with our children's first parents and it isn't possible. I know you know this already, but just wanted to keep encouraging you to not ever give up on them, you just never know when that door will open for you and for Alexander. In our case the door is opening gradually, but if you would have told me a year and half ago that we would be where we are today, it would have blown my mind. It's not in our control, but we can still have hope and make touches to let them know we are still here with love. :wub:

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Merae,

Wonderful that she has at least her boyfriend who sounds like he may be a good support for her.

My daughter shied away from Group for a long time, I kept bringing it up and she would not budge, then her school schedule didn’t allow her time.. I think the first event she went to was a Thanksgiving Dinner gathering in 2012, last year she and I went once, but since she had been working there on her Christmas break she had the opportunity to participate and she enjoyed it. I think the big thing was just giving herself the chance and trying it makes a difference. If Monica is not comfortable with a group maybe she would be willing to meet up with another FM, I’m sure one of the AbrazoChicks could make that happen for her. But it all comes down to her/them wanting it and taking a chance. I’m sure it is hard for her; I know it was for my girl.

As well as the openness of the adoption piece. It will need to come from them, but we can certainly pray about it. You ladies just keep loving them even if it needs to be from a distance!! IT WILL PAY OFF!!! :wub::wub::wub::wub:

Edited by 1st x grandma
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As well as the openness of the adoption piece. It will need to come from them, but we can certainly pray about it. You ladies just keep loving them even if it needs to be from a distance!! IT WILL PAY OFF!!! :wub::wub::wub::wub:

Thanks for posting this Mari! I have been having a hard time with the relationship that we have right now with Garrett's birth mom. It has been hard going from a very open relationship to an almost closed one. I do pray that she will be ready to open up the relationship again one day. I am really greatful that we have a relationship with his sister.

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Oh Monica...

At this point probably good for me just to add all first parents and adoptive parents who have no relationship to my prayers... Isn't it something many fm/fps who are missing out because their child's aps pulled away and then the other side of it aps who want a relationship but fps have pulled away.. :(

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Finally looks like I'm on my way to resolving this nuisance light headed/dizzy episodes..last 4 weeks visiting an ENT more MRIs, he is taking care of partial problem and something else he found that I had no clue I had.. Then he referred me to a Neruotologist and after a couple of long long visits and almost 8 hrs of additional testing he found two things causing me the problems... So glad cause I was close to thinking I was nuts.. :)

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I'm so glad that they were able to help you. I hope that you are on your way to a speedy recovery!

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Glad you are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! :)

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I'm so glad to hear that you have finally found some answers!! I pray that you are feeling 100% very very soon!

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Finally looks like I'm on my way to resolving this nuisance light headed/dizzy episodes..last 4 weeks visiting an ENT more MRIs, he is taking care of partial problem and something else he found that I had no clue I had.. Then he referred me to a Neruotologist and after a couple of long long visits and almost 8 hrs of additional testing he found two things causing me the problems... So glad cause I was close to thinking I was nuts.. :)

Hope this means you're on the road to recovery now! So glad to hear! :)

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Thank you ladies, appreciate the good thoughts and prayers.. :wub:

Sorry didn’t mean to leave yal wondering what is going on with me, just can’t type very well on my phone, which is the only option I have from home…

In mid Dec. finally made an app. With an ENT, due to holidays and all he didn’t have opening until after the first of the year.. After going through the symptoms and reason I was there, he proceeded with testing. He then asked me about other symptoms concerning allergies etc.., so I gave him the info he needed.. He asked about heart burn, reflux…NOPE DON”T have that….Then he tells me I do have reflux, I know I must have looked at him like he was nuts, because I should know whether I have it or not :o.. So he told me that I have symptoms related to something called “Silent Reflux” , which is more of a head, drainage thing instead of stomach reflux… He has put me on medication and also had me cut back on caffeine, tomato based foods, spicy foods, hot sauce and salt.. plus a long list of other stuff.. He also found that I have a cyst on the back side of my tongue and an inflamed blood vessel in my throat.. Apparently these two things can cause me to choke with food or liquids.. I do sometimes choke with liquids, and I have always thought I swallowed wrong and it went down the wrong pipe. So he needs to keep an eye on them, eventually if they grow they will need to be surgically removed. And due to me taking a pretty nasty spill on Christmas Day down some concrete steps AND I told him I HADN’T EVEN HAD ANY ALCOHOL TO DRINK, at least if I had been drinking I could have blamed that.. ,,,, :lol: lol… He sent me for more MRI’s and referred me to the Neurotologist..

Well last two weeks have been working with Neurotologist and I’ve gone through an extensive battery of test.. Part of what he thinks is wrong is that I am getting migraines that are not noticeable by extreme pain.. Since I did have a history of migraines diag back in the 80’s and though I told him I had had very few in the last few years, he said once a migraine sufferer always a migraine sufferer.. He put me on some vitamins that are suppose to taper this off.. (we will see) .. Lastly he said I have “an enormous amount of fluid in right ear” I have something called Vertigo Menieres Cochleovestibular, it has impacted my balance.. Wheww, and here I thought I was getting clumsy in my old age.. He said no, I could rest assured that I wasn’t, but if left untreated it could cause me to lose my hearing in that ear.. He is treating it with two different medications and I see him back in a month.. Once the fluid starts to dry up, I will need to go to physical therapy for my balance..

So there it is… .. I am anxious for all these meds to kick in and start working.. So looking forward to not having these little dizzy and lightheaded episodes to deal with throughout the day…

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Awesome news! Rooting for smooth and speedy resolutions to all these things. How crazy that so many of your symptoms you were things you figured you just had to deal with. I'm sure that speaks to your willingness to put others around you ahead of yourself. <3

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Yippee for answers now I hope you get relief

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