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A Birth Grandmother's Role


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Mari, you are such an amazing woman and such a prolific writer... even knowing your story as I do, I marvel at your strength and courage, and the resilience of the human spirit. (I see so much of you in your daughter!) I hope you give some thought to sharing your story with a wider audience (perhaps as an article for Adoptive Families magazine?) because I think you have much to teach us all! :wub:

Elizabeth, I most definitely appreciate the vote of confidence regarding my woman side..I lost count how many times I have questioned my abilities and choices as a mother. I think we all as parents really have the best intentions for our children and have a certain picture in our mind of how their life will be and unfold….the hard part is what we do once they DETOUR from Our NOT Their plan. We know a child doesn’t come with written instructions or a life time guarantee that they will be perfect, but then again who is. We have to take baby steps sometimes even when we feel like running and learn as we go, and pray that we are making the best choices for those we love. It is wonderful to have new friends in my/our life that let us be us. Blessings, Mari

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Continuation….Part 8

Before long her sister’s wedding was upon us, just two weeks away, she had been going to counseling twice a month, her ob once a month; it would be nice to get away from all these appointments for a little while at least. Though the doctor appointments had started pretty routinely, during this one visit her ob’s office did the triple test (AFP), her dr. also felt it was ok to travel and since my daughter had been feeling so sick almost daily, before we traveled I made sure to secure smelling salt, ice packs and I prayed that she would be ok and would get through the 5 days we would be gone without any incidents. She didn’t want to bring suspicion to her situation, or dampen her sister’s celebration.

The following week just three days before we were due to leave, my daughter called me nervous and upset that the doctor’s office called her and she didn’t understand what they were telling her, but something was wrong with the baby, she wanted me to call and find out, they wanted her to have more test. I called the doctor’s office, results of her triple screening test had come back positive, which indicated that there was a possible problem with the baby, a neural tube defect, a defect of either the spine or abdominal wall. She was being referred to an ob specialist, and since we would be out of town for a few days, they were going to schedule it right after we returned. I asked to see if there was anyway they could get her in before we left town, but since it is a specialist, the appointments take a little longer, they could get her in at the end of the week, but not in the next two days. When I picked her up from school, we went home and I researched what this defect could be. If it was the spine, it could be Spina bifida, if it was the abdominal wall; it could mean that the intestines could be on the outside of the body. Okay, why in the world did I look this up? I certainly didn’t want my daughter to see this, so I just told her that maybe the test was a false positive, and I lied, told her that I couldn’t find anything specific on this. We were adding up worries pretty quickly with her pregnancy.

Though she spent 3 of the 5 days not feeling well, some of it I think was thinking about the test results and the appointment coming up when we got back home, she came out like a trooper on the day of the wedding. We made it through, two more events to go and at least the stress level for all these would soon subside. On are way back to to face the “real world’ again. We also hadn’t told anyone that she was attending a different school, all her high school aged cousins went to different schools, so that was easy to avoid for a little while. Keeping or I like to look at it more as guarding her/our situation was a lot of work. I didn’t like it much, but the other side would have made it more uncomfortable for my daughter, and even though she got herself into this (well, sort of herself), I didn’t want her to feel worse then she already did.

Almost immediately upon our return home, on top of the concerns with the previous AFP test, we also had the pending new test on our minds, now it was frustrating to add to the mix the rumor mill that was working overtime. I knew it eventually would, I just didn’t know back then when it hit the press if up will, that other more serious things were going to be happening. I received a call from my sister the night before my daughter’s first appointment with the ob specialist, she was on her way home from attending a planning meeting for a fundraiser (people in attendance were not anyone, my daughter nor I were very close to or had talked to in many months) and she was upset about questions she was being asked about her niece, and that my daughter had supposedly confided in the child of one of these people, though she wouldn’t reveal who she heard from that my daughter was pregnant and attending a different school, she asked if it was true, or really she said “it isn’t true is it? I told them they didn’t know what they were talking about”. My sister was looking for confirmation that the stories were not so, and I can understand this, I guess I would have done the same had it been one of my nieces or nephews. At that moment I was on the bridge, the bridge I had said weeks ago we would cross when we came to it. Well do I cross? Nope, not just yet, I think I will wait at my end a little while longer, so I told her I appreciated her call, didn’t deny nor confirm or remark on the comments, I only told her I would let my daughter know. I didn’t want to tell her over the phone and to top it off she was driving, I didn’t want something to happen and I would feel guilty. See, my sister doesn’t handle stressful things well, she gets all worked up with the slightest thing, I could just picture her with this news. My daughter had already been getting messages from people at her previous school, and many of the rumors started by kids she didn’t associate with and others by people who were suppose to be her friends, I told her not to respond to them, just ignore them, but my defiant teen, she would sometimes get into battle of words with these kids.. I would get so frustrated with her and tell her to let it go, but like I had mentioned earlier, she had this need to have THAT LAST WORD. I had also started getting emails, some were congratulation ones, or voice messages on my cell that they (the caller) was just wanting to see how I/we were doing, again from a few people who I hadn’t talked to or seen in some cases in more then a year, these people had no idea what I/we had been going through. They apparently didn’t know me/us very well, what made them think that congratulations were in order or appropriate. I didn’t bother to respond, I followed my own advise to my daughter, though I can’t say I wasn’t’ tempted to fire off at that moment, so I guess now I knew how my daughter felt, I just have a little or at least tiny more discipline of restrain. I felt they did not need a response, I knew they were just fishing for information. Whether it was right or wrong, not to reply, I really didn’t care at the time; I had more important things on my mind, they were at the bottom of my list, no, actually they weren’t on my list at all.

To be continued.....

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Hi Mari,

Thank you so much for sharing you story with us. I look forward to seeing your next post everytime I am on here, it is so amazing to read your story, you are such an incredible writer, it makes me feel like I have been with you on your journey! Thank you for the beautiful gift of sharing with us :)

Michelle

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You keep me hanging on by a thread....like a mouse for that small bite of cheese......loving your dialogue/story. Please continue I keep learning from you.

xoxo, Amy

I feel the same way!! I love to log on and see a new post from you. And Elizabeth is right...you should think about sharing your story to a larger audience!

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Continuation….Part 9

Our trip to the specialist was a little overwhelming to say the least. Shortly after we arrived we were taken into the office of a Genetic Counselor, to what seemed like a hundred questions on family health history, habits, ancestry back ground etc. a slew of genetic testing would be done. I could certainly understand the caution and concern, but what really tested my patience, and there really wasn’t’ a whole lot of that left due to everything that we had incurred since the start of my daughter’s pregnancy announcement, was that many of the questions asked, my daughter only being 16 didn’t understand, so I would respond for her, that darn counselor would not even look at me when I talked, she would look at my daughter and wait for her to validate what I had just told her, or if I asked a question (and I had many) she would respond addressing my daughter. I had no idea until that point (only because her ob respected my position as the mother of a teen even if she was pregnant) that we, the parents, who in most cases are the ones whose insurance is paying their bills, are making sure we are getting our child the medical attention they need, in this case prenatal care are pretty much put to one side.. Our child is emancipated, (liberated from their parent, yeah right, let’s be realistic), I can understand that she by law even at 16 was the only one that could decide what would happen with her pregnancy, but it bothered me that she wasn’t in a position to be fully self reliant and financially secure for herself. . It really felt like a slap in the face, but I sat there, bit my lip numerous times (literally), I finally couldn’t take it anymore, so as kindly and as nicely as I could muster through my gritted teeth, I asked her to please address her responses to my questions to us both, they didn’t have to be to me only, but I did appreciate her acknowledging the fact that I was in the room. That’s when I found out about the emancipated thing, I told her I hadn’t realized that it included the ability for her parent to ask questions that my child wouldn’t think of asking, I also asked what my daughter would have to do to ensure that I was kept in the loop and could ask questions on her behalf, she advised us about a form that my daughter had to sign,” well, lets get the form please so she can sign it,” was pretty much my response to her explanation. The counselor gave it to us (well, actually to my daughter)and it was signed and we moved on with the rest of the interview. I did tell her that it may not be a bad idea that the next time they had a teen with their parent there, to start off by telling the parent where they stood and how they could get their questions answered. I hoped it wouldn’t reflect negatively on my daughter, but I was just tired of people being so insensitive.

We also had to try and get medical information from the baby’s father (gosh I really, REALLY dislike calling him that), so the Genetic Counselor gave us a form of medical history questions to ask him and return to her the next visit. On to the tests they needed to run, and the wait would begin. I knew my daughter was feeling pretty vulnerable and scared since we had received the call the previous week. I tried to assure her that everything would be ok, and I was hoping I sounded convincing, because I was pretty nervous myself. This was so overwhelming for her and for me, she looked to me for answers and I didn’t have any, I felt so incompetent as a mother at that point, I am suppose to be protecting her from these hardships at her age. I had never experienced this, my two pregnancies were pretty routine in comparison, I was learning along with her. I asked my daughter to call the ex when we left the dr.’s office to get the information they needed from his side of the family, and I asked her to tell him that if was important. Though we advised the counselor that we were not sure if his parents knew about the baby and not sure how accurate his responses would be we would do what we could, she told us that if we wanted they could send him the form and a letter, but it didn’t guarantee that they would get it back, so I had advised her that we would take care of it. My daughter told me she didn’t think he would take her call, by then he had apparently stopped communicating with her all together, she called him, he didn’t pick up, she hung up, I asked her to call him back and leave him a message to call her by 6pm that evening, she needed some medical information, and if we didn’t hear back from him or he didn’t have time, for him not to worry about it, her mom would just contact his parents to get the info we needed. I was on a roll I guess, it had been a long afternoon, 31/2 hours in this office, and everything else my daughter was going through, my patience with this kid’s nonsense was at its limit. She left him the message at 4pm, needless to say by 4:30 he called her back.

To be continued....

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LOL... go get em Mari!!!!! Call his parents... beautiful!

You have me walking down memory lane a bit between your blog and Lauranda's. At 15 a friend I'd know since we were born got pregnant. you talk about having random people leaving you messages when the rumor mill got going. i remember the moment I found out that my friend was pregnant. I remember who told me because the people who were talking about her were not her friends, they were barely acquaintances of hers. I was thinking why are these people talking about her? Why do THEY care that she is pregnant? What in the world does it have to do with THEM? Nothing of course. I think we just get so easily carried away in dramatic stories.

Which is why it's so awesome for you to be sharing your story becasue it gives us all an opportunity to learn. I'd love to see your story not just in an adoption publication but in something wider reaching like Readers Digest or People... wishful thinking anyway.

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Mari

I just wanted to thank you for sharing you and your daughters story with us. You are a wonderful mother and a great writer. You keep me coming back to learn more. Thank you again.

Char

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You have me walking down memory lane a bit between your blog and Lauranda's. At 15 a friend I'd know since we were born got pregnant. you talk about having random people leaving you messages when the rumor mill got going. i remember the moment I found out that my friend was pregnant. I remember who told me because the people who were talking about her were not her friends, they were barely acquaintances of hers. I was thinking why are these people talking about her? Why do THEY care that she is pregnant? What in the world does it have to do with THEM? Nothing of course. I think we just get so easily carried away in dramatic stories.

Susi,

Isn’t it amazing that things don’t change much even in the 21st century. I had responded back to Amanda’s post a couple of weeks ago. Regarding the traveling of news.. I am going to jump just a little ahead and share my response to an email similar to what you just mentioned. You probably will see this again a little down the road of our journey.. Just found your experience to be so much the same.

From my email, in response to an acquaintance:

I appreciate your concern for us, and you are right, I have always been a private person and that has not changed since I LAST saw you. I don't butt into other peoples business and I mind my own.

Regarding what one of your emails mentioned, something about mutual friends of (her daughter) and Lauranda's that have kept (her daugh.) abreast of things Lauranda has shared.. There is no one at (her daugh.’s School) that Lauranda even semi frequently spoke/speaks with, so those that are claiming to be in the know with her, if they are the same that we have already heard about, she has not spoken to them in 6 mths or more, nor is she close to them as they claim her to be, they are not people she would share intimate info with... So many people have come out of the woodwork claiming to be friends.

You know, Lauranda and I don't bother anyone, we mind our own business, whatever is going on in my family is of no concern to them or affecting them, it is not like we are inconveniencing anyone or asking them to provide us with shelter or food etc... (You get my drift). Some of these same people live in GLASS HOUSES and should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others. Why is it that they feel the need to constantly gossip whether true or not about other people, what purpose or void in them does this fill? Are they that shallow, bored, insecure, angry, lonely?

Numerous times when people who have in the past been talking to me about their so called friends and criticizing their friends choices, and of course adding that if it were them they would do xyz, I have told them that maybe they (the person they are talking about) is/are handling things the best way they know and we should and need to respect that, and yes it is easier to think we would do xyz in the same situation, but until we walk in that person's shoes, we really don't know how we would handle it ourselves, and what they do is not our decision, we just need to be there for them if they ever need us. I would hope that there is someone like me out there looking out for Lauranda and I in the same way.

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Mari,

You are such a strong person as is your daughter, it is no wonder your granddaughter is such a fighter! I agree with Elizabeth, I would love to see your writing in Adoptive Family magazine. You truly have a way with words.

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Continuation….Part 10

Last two family events behind us, now only the holidays laid ahead, couldn’t worry about that now, we were waiting on the last test results, it had only been a few days. Now that we were past all the family functions, I confided in one of my brothers and sister in law about my daughter’s pregnancy and I told them what her decision had been as well as the medical concerns that she had been experiencing. I had planned on telling both my brother and my sister, I asked to meet with them both, but my sister was busy, she didn’t know when she would have time, I didn’t tell them why on the phone, just that I wanted to talk to them, I didn’t want to wait any longer, so I just met with my brother and sister in law. My brother was disappointed in both her predicament and the decision not to parent her child; he wanted to know if there was anyway she would change her mind to keep the baby and if they could help in any way, because he was concerned with what adoption might do to her. I told him that at that point that was the plan, what eventually would happen we would have to wait and see. Of course he also asked what the father of the baby was going to do, was he helping, and was he taking responsibility for his part; what did his parents say or want to do? Needless to say my brother was also as upset as I when he found out the kid had bailed out. He wanted me to go see his parents and make them pay ½ of the expenses, so maybe the kid would learn a lesson and not get off scot free, but I told my brother that I didn’t want my daughter’s life or ours to be complicated any more by him or his family, he had the opportunity to make it right and he chose not to. I was pretty much done with him and his family. We would take care of it ourselves, no matter what we needed to do.

We finally received the results of the new test which determined that the first test had been done a little too early, it had been a false positive, the genetic testing results also showed she was not a carrier of any cells that would negatively affect the baby, to the relief of my much worried daughter and us, another follow up visit with specialist was scheduled for the end of the month for a new and more complete detail sonogram screening. Wow another first, our heads were spinning. Meanwhile she had her other regular appointment with her ob, they were doing a sonogram and wanted to know if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, I didn’t want to know, I didn’t trust myself in being able to contain my emotions, but my daughter did, which surprised me, because she had originally said she didn’t want to know. When they told her/me she was carrying a girl, tears rolled from her eyes and mine. My thoughts went to past conversations with her, she sometimes would say when she got married and if she ever had a little girl, she already knew what she would name her, the highlight of her marriage as she described it, was not the husband, she talked about a little girl, her little girl, the daughter that someday, years from now she would have. I think I sat there for a little while, trying to take in everything that had happened in the last 2 ½ months, and still asking myself how did we get here.. This is suppose to be good news, a time for celebration, planning a baby shower, not a time for heartache, I am going to be a grand mother to a little girl, I should be plotting to spoil her, to live up to that saying “if mom says no, ask grama”, just like my mom does, not sitting here mentally mourning what could have or should have been. In my head, I guess I was having my own pity party and no one was invited but me, I was the host and the guest. . I think the doctor noticed my reaction and asked if I was ok., I smiled what must have been a weak smile and indicated that I was. She asked how the plans for adoption were coming, (directing her questions to us both) had we had a chance to talk to any agencies? My daughter told her we hadn’t yet, but we had found two that she was interested in, we were just trying to get done with family events, and also she had been concerned with the other test that had been taken. Now that these were behind us we would soon work on that next step. The dr. also wanted to know how she had been feeling, had her headaches gone away, was she doing ok. My daughter had actually had several good days, so she told the dr. that she thought everything had passed now.

Next was a trip to the counselor that she had been seeing twice a month, on this particular day, I was surprised that their session had ended about 15 min. early, I was thinking great, get to get home a little earlier. My daughter was looking at me when the counselor asked if she could meet with me for a bit, Oh, I am now thinking great, NOW WHAT. I followed her into her office, while my daughter sat in the waiting area and I took a seat, she asked me how I was doing in comparison to the first time she met me, I told her I was doing well, or a least better then I had expected or could have imagined when I felt my world was coming apart. She said with my daughter’s permission she wanted to share with me that my daughter also felt that we (she & I) were getting along a lot better then she would have thought, she had expected me not to talk to her for a year after her announcement. I am sitting thinking, um ok, that’s nice to hear, but seemed to me like there was more to come, and I was right.. She told me that my daughter had some info to share with me and she just wanted to let me know, she (my daughter) felt more comfortable with me now then before, but for me to let my daughter initiate the conversation. (I guess the counselor was kind of, testing the waters with me).I thanked her, we scheduled the next visit and my daughter and I were on our way, I asked her how her session had gone, she indicated fine and we rode the rest of the way home in silence, but in my head it was all but quiet. I am having some wild thoughts; did she decide to keep the baby? Is she talking to the X again? Is she moving out and they are going to try and raise the baby together? What could she possibly want to tell me that the counselor had to check my pulse before hand!! This just didn’t sound good..

To be continued.....

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Sitting on the edge of my seat for each continuation....but this one really leaves us hanging.

I agree with everyone, Mari, you definitely have a gift for writing. And what a gift you are giving us...such an in-depth look at your personal journey. Thank you.

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Thank you for sharing your story! :)

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I am really hoping when I wake up tomorrow you have posted the next part!! You are a wonderful writer who is really captivating your audience with your emotions. Thank you so much for all your honesty in your posts!!

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I am really hoping when I wake up tomorrow you have posted the next part!! You are a wonderful writer who is really captivating your audience with your emotions. Thank you so much for all your honesty in your posts!!

ME TOO!

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it makes me feel like I have been with you on your journey!

Michelle

Michelle,

The above does my heart good, I have always felt like angels where walking with me/us, they had to be.. I would like to think of it this way, our angels are all of the people who have been where we are now, both sides birth families and adoptive families, that are praying for all future families that will take this journey, because they know the road that lays ahead, the strength and courage that they will need.

Sorry for making many of you wait, this next part is not the toughest part of our journey, but it was pretty intense.

Blessings,

Mari

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Continuation…..Part 11

When we arrived home, we had a lite dinner and small talk. I was getting pretty antsy waiting for her to initiate the conversation. I tried so hard to pretend that I was calm; I just knew my heart wasn’t going to be able to take any more “bad” news. The house was a little quiet, I went looking for her and she was in her room asleep, NO, I thought, she can’t be asleep; she can’t make me wait much longer. A few minutes later I heard her call me from her room, I went in and she asked if we could talk (thank God I didn’t have to go all night wondering). We sat in her bedroom and she started off by telling me that she was sorry, and she wanted me to hear her out without interrupting her, because it was hard and she didn’t want to loose her nerve. Lord have mercy, I thought, and asked in the silence of my heart for God to guide my reactions. I felt my stomach knot up and my body stiffened. She told me that the reason she did what she did, (invited the boyfriend over when she knew she wasn’t suppose to that fateful day) was because she was angry at me, “actually mom, I had been angry at you for a long time and to the point where I was thinking I hated you, I know it is no excuse, I don’t feel that way anymore, but I still want to tell you how I felt and why” (I am thinking, What, why angry with/at me, I can’t wait to hear this), her list started tumbling out, I was too strict, I had expected too much from her, she couldn’t date one on one, she couldn’t do anything right in my eyes, her sister was my favorite and couldn’t do any wrong, she didn’t feel like I loved her (this one was the biggest blow). She was also angry at her sister for moving out of state (5 yrs earlier), she felt her sister abandoned her, she had told her aunt (my sister in law) that I was always yelling at her for nothing, her boyfriend and her had talked about her moving out and moving in with his family because she just couldn’t take it any more and I was always giving her a hard time about him, and the icing on my cake was, I had told her two months earlier that her boyfriend couldn’t come over until he apologized for his lack of courtesy and respect. She paused, then as she continued, (what there’s more, and I can’t ask anything) she said she knew the choice he made earlier in the year was not a mature one, he was wrong, but she wanted to see him just the same, if it meant that first he had to apologize to me she wasn’t going to let that happen, she didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of an apology from him, So to avoid that, she asked him to come over while her dad and I were at work. Wow, had the kid brain washed her, who is this person talking to me or more like at me. (About now I am thinking I need a nice stiff drink of ANYTHNIG maybe two, to wash down the bad taste this is leaving in my mouth, drinking gasoline sounds more appealing then what I am hearing).

Holy tish, those words, her words, were piercing blows to my heart yet again by another knife or more like a sword (a big one) I sat there thinking, I am not going to cry, I am not going to cry, I am going to stay in control, I am going to stay strong, well that didn’t last long. My husband was right, it was because of me, not in the same sense he had thought (allowing her to have a boyfriend), but it was geared towards mostly me. I am sitting there trying really hard not to fly off the wall, I want to continue hearing her out, but, I am thinking, wait you and your dad are the ones that are constantly at each other, how did this become about me and my fault???? I kinda liked thinking that it was rebellion on her part against both her parents, now I felt like I was shouldering the entire thing. You see, I have always been the disciplinarian in the family, in many families, we hear, “wait til your father gets home” or ”I am going to tell your father” if a child gets in trouble, but in our house, it was me, It was easier for her to get her dad to lift restrictions then me, he ran hot and cold, just depending on what mood he was in, and she knew she had him wrapped around her finger much of the time, where as I would give her a warning (fair I thought) and spell out the consequences, (again fair) and implement them when required and expected them carried out.

She had been getting in trouble most of her sophomore year for different things and her restrictions had been adding up, when it wasn’t one thing it was another and some how they seemed to always have him (boyfriend) in the picture. The biggest incident about the apology, (which I guess was the straw that broke the camels back) was a family outing to a fiesta parade, she asked if he could go with us, we said yes, bought his ticket, picked him up. Before the parade even started they were mad at each other, he then refused to sit with us, stood at the back against a wall, then all of sudden he was gone, my daughter told me he had called her, since he was mad at her he was going to where his parents were on the parade route. I was upset and concerned for his safety, fiesta has fun events, with good people, but there are a lot of scary people that come out as well. My daughter didn’t know where his parents were seated. I tried calling his cell, she tried calling his cell and he wasn’t taking the calls (or giving him the benefit of the doubt, didn’t hear the phone) I finally called his mother’s cell, he wasn’t with her, I asked her to please call me as soon as he made it there, I told her what had happened. I kept my phone in my hand the rest of the night, I couldn’t even enjoy the event, I kept looking around, wondering if he wasn’t just standing somewhere else since his mother hadn’t called me back. The parade was over where we were, I didn’t know if we should go or wait, I called his mother again several times before she answered, well he was there, and he had made it there not long after I had talked to her which by now had been about an hour and 1/2 earlier. And you didn’t call me? I heard myself sort of yell at her. She was kind of laughing, and she wanted to know why they had gotten mad at each other. “That doesn’t matter now, I asked you to please call me, and I don’t see anything funny about the situation, he left, never bothered to tell my husband or I, he could have gotten hurt and I find that totally unacceptable behavior on his part, he came with us we were responsible for him, I don’t appreciate the lack of respect he showed”. I was totally beside myself, I told her that he would no longer be included in any of our family outings and I expected an apology from him for his behavior, and to let him know I was not happy with the way he acted. I told my daughter that until he apologized he was not welcome at the house.

Wow…she apparently had been so angry at me and I didn’t even realize it, I mean I knew she would get upset when she’d get in trouble, she just didn’t seem to understand why I was so mean and unfair, like she would say, but I did not know she was angry to that point. I sat there numb for a good while, I don’t know if she felt like running, hiding or what. I asked her if I could now say something, she agreed. I was trying to think what was more important to say, where do I start, so I began with her sister, she was not my favorite I love them both the same, but my relationship was at different levels because of their age, she had everything she needed and most everything she wanted, I did expect her to have decent grades in school, didn’t have to be straight A’s, but I knew she could do better then she had been, she sometimes didn’t make good choices, and she knew that, we had talked about them numerous times, so I was going to be strict with her, gave her examples of running up a huge cell phone bill texting her boyfriend and using it during class time, so she got texting blocked, but she had received fair warning, getting to classes late because of him, many times I told her that I felt her boyfriend didn’t make good choices either because he didn’t seem to have anyone to really teach him, and that sometimes I had felt sorry for him because it didn’t seem like his parents were really there for him, hardly ever saw them at school functions, he was always depending on friends parents to get him to and from places, I also told her that I knew he didn’t have a good relationship with his mother, and that she sometimes would tell me that he hated his mother, is this were this is coming from I asked, was I that bad of a mother in her eyes, for trying to protect her and wanting better for her. Now that she was expecting, what did she think she would do if her child did as she or if her daughter was treated the way he had treated her with such lack of respect for her as a person. Would she send her child off with her blessings and just hope for the best? We now both had tears streaming down our faces, and I could barely talk from how hurt and emotional I was, we both were, she apologized again, said she knew she was wrong, she didn’t mean to hurt me, she should have told me a long time ago how she felt, but she hadn’t seen it that way back then. I took a deep breath and I told her that it was water under the bridge, but only if she had learned a valuable lesson, that parents have to make unpopular choices and decisions sometimes when it comes to their children, when parents want the best for their child and to keep them safe, they have to set guidelines and limits, she was now in that role, she would have to make decisions involving her child. I told her I hoped that she knew that my intentions weren’t ever to harm her, I wanted her to realize that she deserved better, she was worth so much more then what she had been accepting. So can we now move on with what is more important I asked her, our relationship and your child, we hugged and we cried for what seemed like hours. I think we both learned some lessons that day, to appreciate and validate each other’s feelings and not take each other for granted takes work, hard work and we needed to put as much effort if not more into our relationship then we do into other things.

To be continued.....

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Okay you already had me sold... you've pushed me way over the top tonight ... you two are simply amazing.

Edited by suziandben
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Mari, What a fantastic mother you are! To read how you dealt with your daughter's latest news, but then how you helped her see the bigger picture of what you were doing and the lessons that were there for you both - WOW. I definitely think your writing needs to be shared with a larger audience!

Thanks for continuing to share your story with us. I'm learning so much from you!

April

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Mari,

You are an AMAZING MOTHER! And your posts touch my heart. I am so glad to see your relationship with your daughter had reached a new level. I can feel the love that you both have for each other. I too am on the edge of my seat reading your posts. You are a wonderful writer.

Blessings,

Tracey

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Suzi, April, Tracey,

Thank you for your comments, but I don’t deserve too many kudos, I am far from a great mom..

I know the fact that my daughter was pregnant saved us both, in a way I won't ever fully understand. I was far from pleased with the situation of her pregnancy and taking into consideration everything she had already been through, sometimes I would still get irritated, because I felt if she wasn’t in that position, she wouldn’t be dealing with all she had. But, at that moment, the pregnancy helped her, it had forced the counseling sessions and forced me to handle that particular situation with a little more patience then I would normally have, which made it easier for her to open up. It helped me because, it forced the counseling, allowed me to use the example of parent and child which now she understood..I had used this reasoning numerous times before, but it hadn’t fazed her before, until she was on the verge of being a mother herself, so she could relate a little better.

I can be just as strong willed as she, and as stubborn as she..I had to work really hard as a teen myself to control my anger, so I know where my poor baby gets a lot of it from. Last night after I posted, I went to bed, fell asleep pretty quickly, but awoke a little before 2 am thinking of that incident, it kept replaying over and over in my head, and the what if questions. Though I feel comfortable with the way it all turned out, as a parent, I still question to this day if I handled the whole experience the best way, and what can I take away from it to make me not only a better mother, but a better person. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 6 am. Gosh, that takes me back to all those nights that my head spins with questions and concerns and sleep evades me. I find myself in this place often, trying to analyze it all, breaking it down bit by bit. I know somewhere down the road, this won’t be the case, but for now I just learn to deal with it.

I do appreciate the continued support, encouragement and prayers..

Blessings to all,

Mari

Edited by 1st x grandma
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I meant what I said. While my mom and I have a pleasant relationship today and I am grateful for all she did for me, we do not have a personal relationship. I think back to attempts at heart to hearts that my mom and I had at that time of my life and they all bombed. I want Collin to feel comfortable to come to me like your daughter came to you and share honest feelings and vice versa. Yes you had to earn your stripes in the battle but you came together instead of apart.

Please keep sharing. I'm learning from your example both as mother and as daughter.

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I meant what I said. While my mom and I have a pleasant relationship today and I am grateful for all she did for me, we do not have a personal relationship. I think back to attempts at heart to hearts that my mom and I had at that time of my life and they all bombed. I want Collin to feel comfortable to come to me like your daughter came to you and share honest feelings and vice versa. Yes you had to earn your stripes in the battle but you came together instead of apart.

Please keep sharing. I'm learning from your example both as mother and as daughter.

I will take your compliment then.... :)

I wonder if it is really easier w/boys...have a step son 27, but didn't really see much of him, and my sister has two boys (teens), they are pretty close to their mom, but they don't share much with her or anyone else about personal thoughts..my other nephews (2) are still to little.. hummm But, wouldn't trade my girls for anything, headaches and all.

Have a wonderful day.. and thanks again

Mari

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Continuation….Part 12

The last few days had been exhausting both mentally and physically, actually the last month, and it had been a long 2 ½ months. Even though we kept pushing ahead, I couldn’t help but look back at the recent sequence of events, it would be ideal to just leave well enough alone, and forget that we were in the middle of something with such significance, to keep plowing on like nothing had changed, but that was of course an unrealistic choice. We were in need of some distraction. Several months earlier we had promised my little nephew/godchild a trip to Sea World and to the movies, which he hadn’t forgotten, even at age 3 and was looking forward to. This was as good a time as any to keep that promise to him, so my daughter and her dad took him to the movies, she and I would take him to Sea World in a couple of days . When they arrived home from the movies, my daughter went straight to bed, her dad informed me that she had gotten sick to her stomach at the theater before the movie was over, and was sick all the way to drop off the little one and back home. I checked in on her and she said she just had a headache, to lighten her mood some, I told her that the theater had just called and they didn’t want her back anytime soon, they were still trying to clean up after her. A couple of days later we went to my brother’s to pick up my nephew for the trip to Sea World, it was an extremely hot October day, so we decided to wait a while for the day to get a little cooler. We had been at the house for about an hour when my daughter started to complain of a head again, said she didn’t feel well, laid down in her cousin’s room and fell asleep. My sister in law asked me if I had been that sick with either of my girls, nope can’t say that I was I told her, labors were long, they were 23 and 26 hours in that order, but never had the morning sickness or migraines like my daughter had been getting. She mentioned her doctor had told her that sometimes a daughter’s pregnancy mimics the mother’s, well I guess we aren’t a good example of that theory I laughed. When my daughter woke up she was still not feeling well, she looked flushed, almost as if she had a fever, her cheeks were really red and hot, took her temp and it was normal, but we postponed the trip for another day and I took her home.

That next Monday I called her ob’s office to see if there was anything stronger she could take, her dr. prescribed Tylenol with codeine. Her headaches and nausea were getting more frequent and it seemed like more intense. The Tylenol seemed to help and the next week started out as a fairly normal one, she was feeling well, and needed to stay focused on school because the first 9 wks were almost over, and she had missed several days of school already, a few due to our trip out of town, but several due to not feeling well. No sooner had she said that she had been feeling better when she started again with her headaches. We had made plans to sit in front of the computer and surf the adoption agencies she had selected, but she didn’t feel well. I started to think that maybe it was her mental way of avoiding what she needed to do., another week that was coming to an end. She would have a busy week ahead, and her energy seemed to be at a low level, she just wanted to sleep because her headaches wouldn’t go away. That Sunday, I ended up calling her doctor’s emergency line because she was not feeling well at all and the Tylenol didn’t seem to be helping her any more, a nurse, called me back and advise me to give her two pills every 4 to 6 hours after I told her what her symptoms were, she advised that if the Tylenol didn’t help to take her into the ER to have her checked out. Monday would be a school holiday, so she would be able to rest an extra day, but then she had a follow up with her counselor, I am sure her counselor was eager to find out how “our talk” had gone, and at the end of the week she had her second appointment with the ob specialist to run a more detailed sonogram and release her from their care to only see her regular ob again. The extra dosage of Tylenol seemed to do the trick for a few days, she went to school and to see her counselor that Tuesday, Wednesday was another school day, and Friday she was due to see the ob specialist. Wednesday night she went to bed and woke up around 2 am to go to the bathroom and said her head was again hurting, we gave her Tylenol and she went back to bed, in the morning she still had the headache so we let her stay home from school. Her dad went home mid morning to check on her and he called me at work, said she didn’t look good, couldn’t hold anything down, was as if she had a stomach virus. I had him call the doctor’s office again and they prescribed some suppositories for her nausea and vomiting. He stayed with her and as soon as I got home he went to get her prescription, brought it home and then he went to work for a while.

I never really thought about my inner strength, my hero with this was my mom. I have always prayed for God to give me just a ¼ of the strength she has, and I knew I would be ok.. After all she had lost two children, her first born just 2 ½ yrs before my father, she was left a widow with then five kids at the age of 43, the oldest at the time was now me 17 and the youngest 7, lost a second child (4th born) 20 yrs to the month from her first child, and a second husband just 7 yrs. later to cancer. I really don’t know how she did it, how she managed to continue to nurture and be there for the rest of us. My mother’s grandchildren are her biggest joy; she says they keep her young and active, she will bend over backwards for her family. I have always told her I want to be just like her when I grow up. Little did I know that my strength would soon be tested more then I ever thought possible, I thought we had already been challenged and tested with my daughter’s pregnancy and the plan for adoption, but nothing could have prepared me for what laid ahead. Could my morbid thoughts been an insight to the future?

To be continued....

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Dear Abrazo Family,

When I finally decided to start sharing our family’s journey in the forum, I knew that it would be a difficult task. I struggled with how much information to provide; originally I thought that less was better, especially since I try to be protective of my child, and I knew the birth grandparents link is not a protected one like the rest, so exposing & sharing if you will, our story would not only be read by members of the forum (which was the purpose), but it was a possibility that people outside the forum group would also be able to read, this was a concern of mine.. Then I thought, had we not been in the position we were in, I would have never found the site, we were exposed to the site because of this personal need. So back to how much information, it was important for me that the people who read our story could fully understand our journey with all the struggles and heartache; I wanted you to now us to hopefully be able to understand us (hope this makes sense). Which is how I came to the decision to share far more then my original plan, (darn those plans that keep changing), I don’t regret it, I know it is helping me much more then I thought, and all of your encouragement and understanding has been amazing.

Our story from the beginning of my child’s experience was difficult in it self, but our journey was filled with so many other events that complicated what some would say “just a pregnancy”. I have been struggling with the next parts of our journey, which is why I haven’t posted the next part(s), they are struggles that I replay in my head often, I knew this time would come when I started sharing our journey, and felt mixed emotions about it. I guess I had/have let it consume me, because since Monday night, I have not had a full night sleep. I am working on getting the strength and courage to share the next leg of events, I know I will, just not sure how soon.

Though my faith has never left me, sometimes I am not as courageous as I would hope. I don’t know if any of you believe in signs, you already know I certainly do, I was born and raised Catholic, (still am) not that the religion makes me any better then anyone else, but within the Catholic community, sometimes some of us tend to believe in signs(me one of them) more then others. I practice my faith for the most part, not fanatically, and I don’t go to church every Sunday, like some think I should, but not a day goes by that I don’t pray several times a day. As I have been struggling with the next piece, I have found myself at times this past week lost in my own thoughts. Something happened to me this past Tuesday, I was going to share it with you on Wednesday then thought, nah, people are going to think I went off the deep end and wondering if I am getting psychiatric help. Then this morning there was a story on the news, kind of what I had been thinking, yes, you guessed it, my sign. I am sure many of you have heard those stories, where people see images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary, in the strangest things and places. Well, this morning, someone saw the image of the Mother Mary on an ironing board, (first I thought, wow people still iron), but also thinkin, was this a coincidence? In the past, when I have heard these stories, I think, wow, cool and don’t give it a second thought after that.

HERE GOES, PLEASE DON’T THINK I AM NUTS EVEN THOUGH IT MAY SOUND NUTS!!!!!!!!! I found myself Tuesday sitting and lost in my thoughts, I was playing with a piece of foil (had just eaten a taco), smoothed it, flattened it, rolled it, squish it with my fingers, I don’t know why, was just keeping my hands occupied I guess. When I put it down, it looked like an image, I showed it to my daughter and my mom and asked them what it looked like (waiting for them to say a piece of wadded up foil), they both said the same image I had seen, then later that evening I showed it to my husband and he mentioned the same thing. He asked me why I thought I had made it, heck how should I know, it isn’t like I tried, wouldn’t have known where to start, I told him(I know he was probably thinking, because I don’t go to church every weekend like he and God was sending me a message). Later I told my daughter that maybe because I was struggling with memories of a mother’s heart ache and fear, and in much need of strength, Jesus sent his mother’s image in this piece of foil to give me the courage. So what ever it was meant to be, it has given me that push and this weekend I plan to work on the next part of our journey.

I will post a few pics in my album, you be the judge, I would be interested in knowing what you think. It’s ok if you think I am a little nuts, you would be right in there with my daughters that think that sometimes.

blessings,

Mari

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