Jump to content

"I Can't Raise Her Kids For Her!"

Recommended Posts

The grandmother of the octuplets born recently in California is demonstrating rare courage in publicly stating that her daughter's need for help in housing and feeding the original six children (and now, eight more) is putting a huge strain on her, pushing this loving grandma to the breaking point: When Grandmothers Must Say "When!"

She also granted reporters access to her home, if you wish to see the environment the octuplets will be coming home to: Where Nadya's Kids Live Now.

Granted, there are cultural differences in expectations about a grandparent's obligations to help support their children's children, but if this woman's daughter received $167k in workman's compensation and contributed nothing (more than toys?!) to the family household, while expecting her elderly mom to pay for rent and groceries out of her teaching pension, something is clearly wrong! and I, for one, support this grandmother in speaking out and finally saying "enough is enough!"

It's never a popular notion, for the parents of a grown child to face the task of telling their son or daughter "I love you, but I cannot raise your child/ren for you" and setting boundaries ("if you make the decision to have another child, I will love you and your child, of course, but you are going to have to take full responsibility for sheltering and caring for that baby, because I cannot help anymore than I've done already.")

Birth/grandparents struggle with guilt over not being able to rescue their children (and their kids' kids) from their own bad decisions... but it's NOT a grandparent's duty to shelter and feed and clothe their grown child and his or her family.

Grandparents are entitled to lives of their own, and children who are old enough to bear children of their own should be mature enough (and secure enough, and responsible enough!) to respect this inherent truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In America, over 6 million children are being raised in households headed by their parents' parents. For some, this can work out well; for others, it is an enormous hardship with devastating impact on all.

A few things for parents to keep in mind, if they are expecting their parents to raise their children for them, whether temporarily or permanently:

Grandparent Depression Rates Rise with Parenting Responsibilities

Addressing Challenges Faced by Kids Raised by Grandparents

Relationship Implications for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

What Grandparents Raising Grandkids Need to Expect

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the ethical quandry that has accompanied IVF and the "harvesting" of embryos. What becomes of the frozen embryos that are not implanted? From a Catholic perspective...life begins at conception. Those embryos are already "babies in waiting." (This is one of the reasons the Catholic Church is opposed to IVF).

I have read all the newspaper articles and understand the fertility doctor/clinic is going to be investigated. But from a pro-life perspective.....I am relieved she allowed all 14 of her babies to be given life. Was it totally unnecessary to create all those embryos in the first place...probably..but once they were created, it was a life begun. I pray the Lord's blessings upon her and her family, and that people will pray for her and not be so critical of her decisions.

Perhaps there is a lesson here for anyone about to embark on the IVF journey.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And from a pro-choice perspective, I respect that she chose to give her children life, but my personal preference would be that she had considered giving all of her children MORE of a life by perhaps considering adoption as an alternative that would better enable each precious child (of those 14!) to grow up in an established home with perhaps two parents, including an involved daddy and the advantages that come with parental maturity, marital stability and financial security?

But getting back to the topic at hand: how can grandparents who love their children but are physically, emotionally and financially unable to take on the tasks of raising their kids' kids for them set good boundaries? Where can they find support for their tough-love positions, when they have to find the courage to "put their foot down" even at the risk of disappointing their children? How can they effectively compartmentalize their love for their grandchildren, and their desire to force their sons or daughters to take personal responsibility for the lives they themselves have created?

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do they live with themselves if "putting their foot down" means the system or foster care intervenes? I wonder?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know some grandparents who have become concerned enough about their grandkids' welfare that they ultimately had to be the ones to call CPS on their sons or daughters, difficult as it was.

If CPS intervenes, grandparents are often given the opportunity to seek custody, themselves, or be named in a safety plan... but that still doesn't alleviate a grandparent's stinging regrets over the inability of their own child to be a responsible parent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

This story has bothered me from the get go. At first when I heard "octuplets" I thought , "oh cool a family that has obviously been trying to have kids finally got 8!!" Then I heard the rest of the story.

I have tried to watch interview with the BGP's and the mom on TV but honestly it makes me SICK!! I dont even know what to think! I know that if they did decide to use an adoption plan. That those babies would more than likely have to be split up. Im mean honestly how many AP's out there are ready to or could even adopt 8 kids. The reason I say this is being a BP of triplets, I remember how angry I was when I found out another TX Agency (not Abrazo) that I had spoken to was going to spilt up the triplets. I dont think thats right. Multiples thrive off of each other. So to seperate them could be detrimental in the long run.

Anyway, like I said, this story really frustrates me because its just a HUGE mess to begin with!! And I think it is TOTALLY irresponisble of the Mom who is already living with her parents to go and get IVF AGAIN~!!!! What was she thinking??? Sheesh!

Ok thats my 2 cents

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...