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Selecting the right family for your baby


kristal

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My experience..

When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.

The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.

When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them. smile.gif Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life.

Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.

I hope this helps some BP's.

You chose a beautiful AP family. I was able to meet them at camp as well as your son! They are a very sweet family. He's in good hands. Blessings to you as you grieve. I know for our BP it was extremely hard for the first year. She shed many a tears about Ty. But, in the end, she knew that she made the right plan for his future that she could not give him as this time in her life due to the situation at hand. God Speed!

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My experience..

When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.

The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.

When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them. smile.gif Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life.

Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.

I hope this helps some BP's.

Monica, you know how blessed we feel to have you and your girls, and of course the cutest little man in our lives! Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and pray for you and are thankful for you. We are as committed as ever to make the best of a difficult situation... we are so aware of the pain you feel. We know that we weren't brought together by accident and we look forward to a future of watching these beautiful boys grow up together with you in our lives. We feel such excitement when we hear how Aria and Elida are excelling in school and sports and all the sweet things they say and do. They are great big sisters. When we think of how you all embrace not only Nico but Luke also it really touches our heart.

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Monica,

Great post! How nice to hear that even in the midst of your loss/pain, you are able to see a beautiful road ahead with your son's family.

Your post is jam packed with helpful information for parents wanting to adopt and parents choosing to place and how important it is to honor open adoption promises and commitments. Also parents need to have a clear understanding of their expectations in open adoption, so communication can take place honestly before and after placement. Thanks for sharing what went into your adoption decision in terms of selecting the right family.

The Segura's, I know them from Camp too. You picked a really great family, no worries there, but of course you already know that.

Your son is precious. :)

So glad you found Abrazo. And thanks for posting your feelings and experiences.

Hugs again,

Karen

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Monica, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on how you felt through the matching process. I think it's important for expectant parents and adoptive parents to hear. It really is about a connection and sometimes that connection happens right away with a feeling and sometimes the connection grows, and this is why the phone calls and meetings in person (if possible) are great.

Before Landon came into our lives my husband and I weren't so sure about open adoption. To us it was hard to understand what that would mean and we were probably scared of the unknown too. But now that Landon, his birthmom and family, and his birthdad and family are in our lives we wouldn't want it any differently. We see the benefit to having an open adoption for Landon, and I love that he has such a big family that stretches from us in Minnesota to his birthfamily in Texas to even his great grandma in Alabama (who we were able to meet a month ago). I think for new APs the concept of open adoption may be hard to wrap their heads around and I think it's great that you can share feelings like this and that those of us that have found open adoption to be the right fit can also share our stories. It helps everyone open up to the wonderful world that I believe is truly best for the children!

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Monica,

Great post! How nice to hear that even in the midst of your loss/pain, you are able to see a beautiful road ahead with your son's family.

Your post is jam packed with helpful information for parents wanting to adopt and parents choosing to place and how important it is to honor open adoption promises and commitments. Also parents need to have a clear understanding of their expectations in open adoption, so communication can take place honestly before and after placement. Thanks for sharing what went into your adoption decision in terms of selecting the right family.

The Segura's, I know them from Camp too. You picked a really great family, no worries there, but of course you already know that.

Your son is precious. :)

So glad you found Abrazo. And thanks for posting your feelings and experiences.

Hugs again,

Karen

Yes, Karen, I agree that the Segura's are THE BEST!! biggrin.gif

Thank you for your comment about Nico.. he is an adorable little man!

My experience..

When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.

The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.

When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them. smile.gif Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life.

Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.

I hope this helps some BP's.

Monica, you know how blessed we feel to have you and your girls, and of course the cutest little man in our lives! Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and pray for you and are thankful for you. We are as committed as ever to make the best of a difficult situation... we are so aware of the pain you feel. We know that we weren't brought together by accident and we look forward to a future of watching these beautiful boys grow up together with you in our lives. We feel such excitement when we hear how Aria and Elida are excelling in school and sports and all the sweet things they say and do. They are great big sisters. When we think of how you all embrace not only Nico but Luke also it really touches our heart.

Love you guys bunches!

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My experience..

When I spoke to the AP's I picked it just "felt right" on a personal level! I didn't know what to expect when I called. I was sure they were going to be just as nervous as I was. They were the 2nd PIW I spoke to and on our subsequent conversations I felt connected to her as a friend. I thought that if I met her outside this situation that we could be friends. The 2nd thing that made me feel wonderful is that they felt the need to connect to their current child's BP's. Even though those BP's had chose not to continue an open relationship w/ them they continue to send pictures, letters, etc to the agency. That made me feel like they really wanted this to be an open adoption, do what's best for their son and that it wasn't just an "easy" way to obtain a child/family for themselves.

The 1st couple I spoke to were very nice and had never adopted before. When I asked about how open they wanted their adoption to be they were unsure. They weren't certain as to when they would tell the child they were adopted and how they would tell him. That concerned me and I never called them back.

When I finally met them and their son, there was no doubt that if I were to go through w/ the adoption, this family was sent to me and I was sent to them. smile.gif Once they met my older children, they took them under their wings and embraced them. They made them feel included and assured them they would always be a part of their brothers life.

Although it hasn't been very long since they have taken my son home, they have exceeded every expectation I could imagine.

I hope this helps some BP's.

I love and appreciate your post.

Edited by TexasFamily
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  • 2 months later...

I think it is important to keep in mind any other siblings involved. Some first parents will want a lot of contact between other siblings and the baby placed for adoption, while others might not. So, a desire for sibling contact might also affect your decision about where you want a baby to be geographically in relation to you. And, of course, if you want the children to have contact, it's important that both families are on the same page about that. (I would think anyone interested in open adoption would be open to sibling contact, but I suppose it's something to be sure of before you place an infant. Sometimes the things I think are natural turn out not to be.)

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i can honestly say that our birthparents were interested in their daughter having siblings, ,,,,,,and in our case a sister. our 2 girls absolutely adore each other and are the first person each other notices and plays with. thier bond was immediate and had been a constant in our common relationship, i feel like we are trying to find connections with E's birth sisters and brother in order to maintain long term connections.

ultimately what it all boils down to is making sure that our daughter maintains as many genetic connections to her parents, sisters, and brother, as well as any other extended family that want to remain in her life. we don't want any of them to feel like strangers. they are all family.

step one to step two and beyond.......

andrea

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  • 4 months later...

I can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be to try to select a family for placement. I'm sure there are so many conflicting feelings involved. I loved reading the questions that were suggested by Karen, Kristal, and Elle Mae. It was interesting to read the types of questions a BP might want to ask an AP. So far, I've only had two conversations with one BP so I don't have much experience with the "getting to know you" phone conversations yet. I'm looking forward to more of them though! :)

I've wondered sometimes if being from Wisconsin will be a negative factor since it's so far away from TX. What do you think? Do you think that is something that most BP's would take into consideration when making their decision? Perhaps it just depends on the person making the choice and their preference.

It is very interesting to hear what draws you to an AP vs. what would discourage you from wanting to make a match with them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this topic!

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  • 4 months later...

Mandi (or anyone else!), from an adoptive parent side I'd love to hear your take on this. What was it about the couple you chose that gave you that connected feeling with them? It is so fascinating to hear people's stories... sometimes it seems to be a personality trait, a certain thing you have in common, or something else!

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Hannah this is so funny that you would ask my opinion on this as i just had this conversation today.But i love giving my point of view or experience (as little as it is lol) because everyone else has helped so much with their input.I went back to the first post here and read all the posts it's a very interesting topic actually i wish i had these questions when i was making my three phone calls!! haha although Audra tried really hard to find some for me i went in "blindfolded".I had gotten the folder from Abrazo in the mail the day after i called and requested it.I had actually gotten a folder from another agency in town as well but the two were polar opposites.Abrazo's folder was welcoming with ribbons and a pen and bright colors and information to help guide me.While the other was a plain folder no extras and alot of questions for me to answer and pages to fill out.It was an easy decision on which agency i would go with! (thank God) So in Abrazos folder were all the "available" families profiles i think about 8 or 9.I thought the way they were like little sections from a scrapbook was cute.And immediately jumped into looking them over;well that quickly turned into studying them ALL night! I can't really pin point what things made me put a profile in the "done" pile (the pile i was done looking at) but i remember the ones with funny pictures like E&J with a rake in the garden or a canoe paddle in the living room or Kim and Gip with their funny plant picture-these stood out.I felt like they had a sense of humor and an imagination instead of just telling me she liked to garden under a picture of her garden E had the funny yoga (of course) pose with the rake in her garden.I think the profiles that included pictures of their home and/or their extended family caught my attention;i felt like if they were willing to let me in by showing me pictures of their more personal life then they would be more likely to let me into that side of their life and the adoption would be more open. Also the bright colors and funny little stickers made me feel "welcome" were some were darker and more thoughtful.I LOVED the little notes from J about E and vise versa it should me a little about their relationship.So thats how i got the group down to two couples before i went to Abrazos office.

Honestly i knew i wanted E&J from the beginning it was sorry to say a "gut instinct" they seemed eclectic and quirky and open minded.With my past i really needed open minded and non judgmental and i am very blunt and can be offensive at times unintentionally and i knew i needed a couple that could "handle" me.They just seemed like they could.So i went to Abrazo and showed Audra the two couples i had chosen she of course asked what it was about each and i fumbled in trying to explain but she could tell i was leaning drastically toward E&J (her and Brianna plotted on that and had me call E last of the three calls by the way hehehe) I was explained about the three calls and so i looked back over the profiles and chose a third couple to call just to get a better feel for this process.I hadnt planned on talking to any APs so i definitely didnt plan on making a decision as big as this in one day either,but i would make the calls.I wanted questions or a guideline or something i had no clue what to say or ask it was very scary.I felt like this was the biggest decision i had to make and i didnt want to rush or fumble but i was going in blind and that scared me.Brianna told me i would be in the conference room and to answer the phone when it rang adn it would be an Ap mom to talk to.The first conversation went great she was really nice and helped ease the conversation (she actually reminded me of Tori's Ap mom) but they needed more from me than i could give and they deserved what they wanted so i knew Riley wasnt their baby.The second phone call went ok at first then got a little awkward when my felony and the fact that i dont know who Rileys dad is came up i could hear judgment in her voice and i knew she was a nice lady but not Rileys future mom.Then FINALLY Brianna let me talk to E and she was just as nervous as i was we fumbled around conversation laughing at each other but having a great conversation.I felt peace when we hung up (i ended it because Riley was playing with my bladder lol) When i got Audra i told her i was pretty sure i wanted E&J but i didnt want to rush so since it was Thursday i would call her Monday once id really thought and prayed on it.However fate had other plans,i called Audra to ask a question about something else and she mentioned that some new BPs had come in and were looking at "my couple" just so i could have a back up choice.I hung up and got mad i didnt want a back up couple i wanted E&J dang it! So i called Audra back and told her i had made my decision and she laughed knowing all along that i had.When E&J called and we talked for a long time we clicked and i knew with every fiber that i had found Rileys future parents and my friends.And everytime we talk even in text or in deep conversation i am reminded that we are all a perfect match.

So Hannah thats my input and story lol hope it gives someone some insight they may need.

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When E&J called and we talked for a long time we clicked and i knew with every fiber that i had found Rileys future parents and my friends.And everytime we talk even in text or in deep conversation i am reminded that we are all a perfect match.

That is great. When it clicks, it clicks. I think sometimes it is not even something you can put your finger on but a gut feeling, like you said!! I love that you found future parents AND friends! :)

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One thing I am realizing from everybody's words is the importance of just being yourself-- of course, being sensitive and loving, but not trying to be exactly what you think a BP might be looking for in terms of personality, interests, sense of humor, etc. I would think that the best, most comfortable, and most durable match would come from the most honest depiction of your life in your profile book and in your phone conversations with potential BP's. And I love what was said earlier in the topic about not being in a hurry, being sure to commit everything to prayer, and trusting in God, just as we must do with all the unknowns in our lives. Great reminders.

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One thing I am realizing from everybody's words is the importance of just being yourself-- of course, being sensitive and loving, but not trying to be exactly what you think a BP might be looking for in terms of personality, interests, sense of humor, etc. I would think that the best, most comfortable, and most durable match would come from the most honest depiction of your life in your profile book and in your phone conversations with potential BP's. And I love what was said earlier in the topic about not being in a hurry, being sure to commit everything to prayer, and trusting in God, just as we must do with all the unknowns in our lives. Great reminders.

You are exactly right Grace! I remember when I was dating (a loooong time ago) thinking that I would just be myself so as to attract the person who would want to be with the real me. If I was pretending to be someone I wasn't and attracted someone, then I'd have to keep that "pretense" up! I think it's the same with a birthparent match. There are so many different things a potential birthparent is looking for and so many different adoptive parents that there really is not "one size fits all."

Mandi, as always, thanks for sharing your perspective! You give us APs and future APs some really great insight! :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

One thing I am realizing from everybody's words is the importance of just being yourself-- of course, being sensitive and loving, but not trying to be exactly what you think a BP might be looking for in terms of personality, interests, sense of humor, etc. I would think that the best, most comfortable, and most durable match would come from the most honest depiction of your life in your profile book and in your phone conversations with potential BP's. And I love what was said earlier in the topic about not being in a hurry, being sure to commit everything to prayer, and trusting in God, just as we must do with all the unknowns in our lives. Great reminders.

Grace,

I was thinking the same thing was I was reading through these posts--that you just have to be yourselves and that it is out of your control. It is encouraging to hear the perspective of all you birthmothers. It is really a case of clicking and I like to think of it as the baby having a say as well--they know from the interaction between the birthmothers and adoptive parents that that is the couple they want to be their parents. We've had a couple of conversations with different birthmoms so far and each one has been interested in different things. We had one in particular that I felt was just telling us what we wanted to hear and that didn't make me feel comfortable. Needless to say we didn't match. So we're open to having as open a relationship that living in another state will afford us and we hope to find the situation with a birthmom that allows us to expand our family not just with a baby but with a birthmom (and dad) and extended family.

Fran & Mark

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Fran, Grace,

It has been asked of first-moms, what helped them select their child’s parents and what they looked for. Just curious as to what you each would consider and ideal match? What qualities are you as possible future parents looking for in your forever family? What type of relationship do you want to have?

Thanks in advance for your insight look.

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Good question! I think so much from the other perspective- what a BP would be looking for in me- that I neglect to consider what I would seek in her and her family. Hmm... I think trust is a big one. Trust in the whole process, in herself that she is making the right choice, and in my husband and I that with God's help we will do all in our power to love and cherish that baby from day 0. Also flexibility and openness as we both figure out how to work this relationship out. The desire to have a friendship and find common ground even though we are at different points in our lives. I would also want her to show responsibility toward her growing baby through healthy choices and following medical advice.

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I would also want her to show responsibility toward her growing baby through healthy choices and following medical advice.

Hmmm... this presupposes, of course, that a mother shares your value system and has access to prenatal care, and the means to obtain it. Keep in mind that there are plenty of moms who place who do not ever see an ob-gyn in the course of a pregnancy, but are "responsible" enough to consider adoption and blessed enough to deliver loveable babies on their own. As we often remind adoptive parents at orientation weekends, open adoption is not a surrogacy arrangement, so adopting parents should not impose their own pregnancy care preferences on expectant moms considering placement. They can certainly opt to not match with someone whose lifestyle doesn't fit their expectations, but if we expect prospective birthmoms to be "responsible" enough to make good plans for their babies' futures, we need to credit them with being responsible enough to make their own best decisions for their bodies and their babies during pregnancy, too. (Just a gentle reminder...)

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You are completely right- moms making adoption plans are already showing huge responsibility for the welfare of their babies! They probably hope for a healthy child just as much as many of us do.

Edited by gebrown
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Grace - there's another topic on the forum about this that you might enjoy reading called Re-evaluating Your Requirements that talks a lot more about just the things you mentioned!

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Thanks, Melissa! It's great to get everyone's perspectives.

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My ideal situation would be to have a life-long relationship with the birthmom (and birthdad if possible). One of the things that really attracts me to open adoption is having that relationship. I think about it from the perspective of the child, thinking about when they have questions that I can't answer and the pain that they will feel from being adopted. I think that having a long-standing relationship with their birthmom will help to heal that hole. One of my best friends from growing up was adopted from Guatemala. She does not know her birthparents and will never be able to find them because of how the system was back in the 70's. Her parents have been amazing but I know that she has had a lot of questions that can never be answered. She has traveled back to Guatemala many times and is now learning Spanish. It has been a healing process for her. So for me, having a real relationship (good and bad) with the brithmom would be ideal.

I'd also like us to visit one another or video chat often enough that the relationship stays fresh. I don't really care the background that the birthmom comes from, just that she is open enough and strong enough to stay committed to the relationship. One thing that the orientation really pointed out for me is that the women I probably wouldn't have picked "on paper" were awesome in person and I could have a relationship with them. So I have had my mind broadened and am trying to stay as open as I can.

If I could wave a magic wand and pick a birthmom, ideally I'd like her to be from San Antonio or close enough so that she could participate in the group sessions. I saw the strength that it provided the birthmoms on the panel at orientation. I think that there is a lot of healing that needs to happen probably at different points of the process for all those involved and the group seems like a very healthy way to address that healing for a birthmom.

And of course I'd like us to have at least some things in common, like music or hobbies or other interests. That would help facilitate conversation over the long distance.

I know I sound like a pollyanna here, but I would love it if the birthmom became an extension of our family. But this is all chemistry and timing and having had conversations with some birthmoms through this process, sometimes I think my expectations might be too high. But having been married 7 years and had the ups and downs that it brings, I know that Mark and I will be committed to the ups and downs that this process and these relationships bring as well. I guess the final thing I'd say is that I'd love it if our birthmom could match our sense of commitment to the child in terms of keeping and maintaining a relationship. Is that asking too much?

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My ideal situation would be to have a life-long relationship with the birthmom (and birthdad if possible). One of the things that really attracts me to open adoption is having that relationship. I think about it from the perspective of the child, thinking about when they have questions that I can't answer and the pain that they will feel from being adopted. I think that having a long-standing relationship with their birthmom will help to heal that hole. One of my best friends from growing up was adopted from Guatemala. She does not know her birthparents and will never be able to find them because of how the system was back in the 70's. Her parents have been amazing but I know that she has had a lot of questions that can never be answered. She has traveled back to Guatemala many times and is now learning Spanish. It has been a healing process for her. So for me, having a real relationship (good and bad) with the brithmom would be ideal.

I'd also like us to visit one another or video chat often enough that the relationship stays fresh. I don't really care the background that the birthmom comes from, just that she is open enough and strong enough to stay committed to the relationship. One thing that the orientation really pointed out for me is that the women I probably wouldn't have picked "on paper" were awesome in person and I could have a relationship with them. So I have had my mind broadened and am trying to stay as open as I can.

If I could wave a magic wand and pick a birthmom, ideally I'd like her to be from San Antonio or close enough so that she could participate in the group sessions. I saw the strength that it provided the birthmoms on the panel at orientation. I think that there is a lot of healing that needs to happen probably at different points of the process for all those involved and the group seems like a very healthy way to address that healing for a birthmom.

And of course I'd like us to have at least some things in common, like music or hobbies or other interests. That would help facilitate conversation over the long distance.

I know I sound like a pollyanna here, but I would love it if the birthmom became an extension of our family. But this is all chemistry and timing and having had conversations with some birthmoms through this process, sometimes I think my expectations might be too high. But having been married 7 years and had the ups and downs that it brings, I know that Mark and I will be committed to the ups and downs that this process and these relationships bring as well. I guess the final thing I'd say is that I'd love it if our birthmom could match our sense of commitment to the child in terms of keeping and maintaining a relationship. Is that asking too much?

Fran - I was/am like you in that we really want/ed a life-long relationship with the birthfamily and want/ed them to become part of our family. In some ways, we have exactly that, but unfortunately not with Joseph's birthmom (at least right now) or birthdad. Our relationship is with his extended birthfamily and we all feel like family to each other. Grandma M stands in that gap for us and I know she will always be there for Joseph and for us. Being open to the extended family is critical in our situation to keeping that connection alive for our son.

Even though she's not in direct contact with us, we consider C a part of our family, too. I think part of the ups and downs of the relationship that you talk about is understanding that sometimes the birthparents will need space and as much as we want that relationship, we can't force it. I think your desire to have that commitment to the child is wonderful and what I think we'd all ideally love to have, but it may not be realistic in every situation. I feel that part of our commitment is to hold the door wide open for C, so that she'll feel comfortable coming back through it when she's ready.

I know you'll do a fabulous job navigating the relationships your child brings with him or her. I can tell you so have a wonderful understanding of how important these relationships are! Hoping that you meet your new family soon!

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