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Determining God's will


Laura

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My husband and I have been off birth control for almost two years.  Although the first year we were not extremely aggressive about getting pregnant, we have been the last several months and still no results.  My husband seems to believe that we are not getting pregnant because it is not the right timing and God has other plans for us.  We know a few couples who believe that God caused them to wait for pregnancy due to the events and circumstances in their lives that were not ideal to bring a child into.  It is true that the timing probably isn't perfect.  He is in school full-time and I work full-time.  Who would take care of the baby?  Neither of us want our child to be in daycare more than part-time.  And my husband knows that it will break my heart to have to leave my child every day and go to work.    

The frustrating thing is that I don't believe there will ever be a really good time for us to start a family.  After he finishes school in 2005 we are applying to work overseas as foreign missionaries.  That doesn't seem like a great time to have a kid or to adopt....and who knows how long we will stay overseas?  And who would adopt to someone in a foreign country anyways?  And wouldn't all of that be terribly difficult so far from home?  

So my point is, if he is willing to go off birth control, why not adopt when biology doesn't work?  After all, if it did work, we'd be arranging our lives with a little one at this point.  He feels like it is taking circumstances in our own hands and not allowing God to direct our paths.  I understand what he is thinking, but I don't really agree and it isn't that easy for me.  My heart is all wrapped up in it and around it.  I see a baby or small child at the grocery store and am filled with deep longing for my own.  People who can get pregnant by just thinking about it don't necessarily have the logistics all figured out.  Why do all the T's need to be crossed and the I's dotted if you get a baby through adoption?  

I know my husband needs time.  I have committed in my heart not to talk seriously about adoption again until the Spring...but it seems soooo far away.  

Any advice?  

Laura

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You and your husband seem to be deeply religious.  So my advice to you would be that you seek God's will for you.  Pray.  Read your Bible.  Watch the circumstances around you carefully and prayerfully.  Talk with other believers - when you see all of these things come together, you will know what God desires.

Remember that Abram had to wait 25 years for his son - but I guess it took that long for Abram to become Abraham & the right sort of father for what God had in mind.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to wait.

We didn't have to wait as long as Abraham and Sarah, but we had been married for 20 years before our daughter was born to our wonderful birthmother and then placed in our arms...  Remember that God's time is not the same as our time.

You AND your husband will both have to be ready... if you seek God with all your heart, He is faithful and true to bless you with all good things.

Although I don't often say it, I am always praying for all of you who post or read the forums here that you will find your forever families and for peace of mind, and for all good things.

Faithfully yours,

Dr Mom

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Laura,

I can relate so well to your post because I tend to be a planner, and I wanted to make plans when it came to starting our family. What I learned--and I'm sure you know--is that God often has plans and ways that are so much higher and better than our own. I think you are doing the right thing in praying about it and trusting God to direct you and your husband. In His time and His way, He will bring it all together--either through biology or adoption. I have often found that the more I  discuss certain things (i.e. nag) with my husband, the more resistant he seems. But if I back off, pray fervently, and let God speak to him, the impossible happens...we start to see eye-to-eye! (Sometimes he changes, sometimes I do, sometimes God leads us both in a different--but in the same--direction.) Two Bible verses that kept me going through the process of dealing with infertility and adoption are Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20,21. God's ways and timing for us are perfect. I could certainly see that after adopting our precious son almost three years ago. I wouldn't change a thing, and I'm sure all the APs on this forum would agree!

Another thing you didn't mention (and don't feel like you have to...I just wanted to point out something you may not be aware of) is whether or not you and your husband have talked with your doctors about your desire to conceive and possible problems you are having. I know Abrazo has a policy that prospective APs must have an infertility diagnosis from their doctor. I'm not sure about other agencies. If you haven't talked with your doctor yet, I would definitely recommend it. There may be a correctable medical reason why you have not gotten pregnant yet.

Thanks for posting...I wish you the best for whatever direction God guides you and your husband.

Susan

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Dear Suebee,

Thank you for your encouraging words.  Both the verses you mentioned have been significant in my life at one time or another, but until now I have not claimed or held onto either of them at this time of infertility.  Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." I prayed this verse over and over at a time of crisis in my life when I felt called to break up with a man I deeply loved.  I fully believed that the "immeasurably more" would come from God restoring that broken relationship.  Well, the relationship was never restored, but a year or so later God united me with the man who I passionately love and am now married to.  I will focus on looking forward to what "immeasurably more" means for us in regards to having children.  

In regards to backing off and praying rather than bringing adoption up every day with my husband...thank you for sharing that.  I know you are so on with that.  You are so right.  That just reverberates truth in my heart.  I know that that is what I need to do.  Thank you.  

In regards to infertility, why do agencies require a diagnosis?  I know families who joyfully have both adopted and biological children.  My husband's brother has three biological children and one adopted (black) baby ---well he's three now, but he's still our baby!  And one on the way in a year of so from Haiti.  They are a beautiful family.  

My personal story of infirtility is almost 2 years of trying, a surgery to remove endometriosis, and 3 cycles on Clomid with shots.  I plan to stay on the Clomid until April and then quit.  I do not plan to try further measures.  We have both been tested (blood work, sperm analysis, laparoscopy, physical exams) and no problems were found except the endometriosis that was removed in August.  I am disappointed if we can't adopt with Abrazo...although I understand that 1 year of trying without success technically labels you "infertile".  I don't know if my doctor would write a letter labeling me that or not.  I have always had a deep desire to adopt AND to have biological children.  We really want a minority child...hispanic, biracial, or black...or whatever!  I know we won't be able to make a brown-eyed, dark-skinned baby!  :) (We are fair-skinned, blond--well not as blond as we used to be, and blue-eyed).  

Again, thank you.  And thank you Dr. Mom, too.  You have both encouraged me greatly.  Perhaps that infirtility requirement is just my ticket to the multi-cultural family that I do desire.  Waiting for the immeasurably more...

To Him who is able!

Expectantly,

Laura

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Laura,

I copied and pasted the following from another part of the forum. It was posted by Elizabeth, Abrazo's Executive Director. Forgive me fellow forumites for not knowing how to do the quote thing! I was afraid if I tried, I'd post in the wrong place! Anyway, I hope it helps answer your questions about the infertility requirement. I would say it sounds like you and your husband would meet that requirement and be able to work with Abrazo if that is how you feel led. You do not have to try all the reproductive assistance procedures to be considered infertile. I know my husband and I didn't. Also, Abrazo does help couples adopt Hispanic, African-American, and biracial children as well as Caucasian.

I also meant to tell you about a couple of great books you can read, if you haven't already, while you "wait" on clear direction from God: "Adopting after Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnston and "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. I'm sure there are other great books, but these two were especially helpful to me. Research/education is part of the adoption process and something you can definitely be doing (which it sounds like you are) while you wait on hubby to come on board :)

Here is Elizabeth's post:

For admission purposes, Abrazo defines infertility as the "documented medical inability to conceive a child" and we ask for doctor's verification at time of application, to ensure that we are accepting only the people we can help best into our full-service program. (The vast majority of Abrazo's birthparents join our program because they know we work with folks who could never otherwise become parents and this offers them a certain comfort, in knowing they truly are making a miracle happen both for their child and a couple in need.)

For this reason, folks with "elective" infertility (those who can get pregnant but choose not to for personal reasons), with  "impaired" fertility (those who can achieve pregnancy but may or may not carry to term) or "voluntary" infertility (those who have engaged in voluntary sterilization) are eligible only for consideration in our designated and special needs programs.

We do ask those with unexplained infertility who enter the full-service program to take care during the process to prevent pregnancy from occurring, if need be. This is because an unplanned adoptive parent pregnancy in the course of an adoption plan--wonderful as that may be!--would disqualify them from continued services, disrupting any pending placement and necessitating their exit from our program with forfeiture of those fees already paid.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Before we became adoptive parents, I always just told people that we wanted God's will in our lives, whether it meant we could become parents through adoption or were meant for a life without children living in our home.  If the latter was truly God's will, then I already had been blessed with a wonderful husband, loving parents, siblings (and in-laws), nieces and nephews, and lots of cousins that made my "family" complete.

I believe God's will is for families to be formed by bonds of love, not necessarily bonds of bloodline.  I don't believe that the inability to experience pregnancy necessarily means that you aren't destined to become a parent.  God's plan is so much more creative than that!

As many of you regulars out there know, we personally experienced five failed adoption plans, including two disruptions, before our family came together, which now consists of three biological sisters who all came to live with us at different times!  Never in my limited understanding of God's plan for our lives (or my relatives' limited understanding) did we dream that this would be God's will, but it was!  Often we humans make the mistake of interpreting one closed door as a closed house ... but until those windows, attic eaves, and mouseholes are absolutely closed to us too, we can and should continue to earnestly seek God's will and accept it, however it ultimately manifests itself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can't believe someone would actually say such a cruel thing...but then again, I've heard some really insensitve things so maybe that doesn't surprise me. :( I would just have to say that people become parents in different ways and adoption is one way. It's not inferior, it's just a different way. I believe God is sovereign--there are things He directs and things He allows. Looking back I can say that I believe He didn't allow me to get pregnant so we could adopt the precious boy who is our son. I have no doubt that he was the child I was meant to have. I really also never questioned whether or not I would be a mommy. Of course, I wanted God's will in our lives and wanted to be open to whatever that was, but I always strongly believed in my heart that His plans for me included being a mother.

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A certain verse came to mind while reading these posts.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Although life doesn't always go the way we plan it to God still sees our hearts. He knows our hopes, dreams and desires. There are sooo many ways God works.

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  • 1 year later...

Just thought this was an interesting subject and worth reviving! Our most recent orientation group talked alot on Friday night about their efforts to discern God's will in the course of evaluating their fertility treatment options (and IVF in particular.) I know that anyone who experiences a disappointment along the adoption highway must pause to question why bad things happen to good people and how it relates to God's plan for our lives. Birthparents who grieve seek consolation in the promise that everything happens for a reason and that there is some divine order even amidst great loss and sorrow. And surely many who were once adopted crave assurance that their destiny was not ever left to chance... So how do we "know" what God's will is, how do we know that we're not merely claiming our desires as His agenda, and how do we find (or build) faith to wait on Him for guidance and trust He truly does have His eye on the sparrow at all times?

Anyone want to expound on this?

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Elizabeth,

Thanks for bringing this subject to light. Just yesterday, my mother, two brothers Marcelo and I were discussing our beliefs of how God works in our lives.

I believe that the holy spirit works through us to help us discern right from wrong. I call it my gut instinct. Whenever, I am challenged by an ethical or just plain hard decision, I rely on using my heart, mind and gut instinct (the holy spirit). I know bad things happen to good people and sometimes, as hard as it may be, we just have to accept it! We can't lose sight of FAITH that tomorrow will be better!

One thing I believe very strongly is that God gives us tools to use through out life and it is our duty to figure out not only how to use them, but to use them as intended. That's the hard part.

I have to trust in the Lord that my intentions are healthy loving ones. My gut instinct tells me Marcelo and I are doing the right thing. I think for everyone, it's a personal matter.

I think we all know not everyone was meant to adopt!

Take Care and keeping stirring up those tough questions,

Claudia rolleyes.gif

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Guest chadandshannon

Elizabeth,

That is a great question: How do we know that we're not merely claiming our desires as God's agenda? Chad and I went through this very struggle when we were trying to decide if we should go through an IVF treatment. Chad really struggled with knowing if we were taking it out of God's hands if we chose to do invitro. After much prayer and searching in God's word, I realized that God has given us these tools, and because I know from His word that no child is ever a mistake, I pondered over how there are so many babies granted to couples through invitro! I believe that the Lord has had one common test in my life -- PATIENCE -- and through patience, TRUST. I believe He was asking me -- You've trusted me through one miscarriage and through many failed fertility procedures, can you trust me through the biggest one of all. My answer was YES! I knew that even if we followed through with invitro, and His answer was "NO", I would be alright! His eye is on the sparrow, and I DO know He watches me! That is so amazing when you think about it!

As you know, His answer was "NO", and I am unbelievably at peace. Think about what Job had to endure; He never once cursed God! I want to be like Job! The Lord knows what is the absolute Best for me. What He has for me is different from what He has for someone else; for example, birthmothers. For a BP I'm sure this situation is a huge trial! I just know that the Lord is using all of these situations to bless each one of us, but in different ways. I just praise Him for birthmothers and their courage! For without a birthmother, I would never be able to be a mother at all!

Thank you for bringing up such an inspiring question, and thank you for all you do! God is truly using you for His glory, and you will be blessed for following His direction in your life!

From my heart,

Shannon rolleyes.gif

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I too believe the Holy Spirit uses your gut instincts, and the more I rely on them and put faith behind it you would think I wouldn't doubt those instincts. I'm very intuitive, but I truly believe that is the Holy Spirit too.

As for when we adopted Erin, my mom felt the Holy Spirit leading her to 7 godly women to pray for us, our baby and the birth parents until the baby got into our home. We prayed specifically -- we prayed that Erin's b-ps would be married, for example. When we found out Erin was due at the end of December, I went back to see when she was conceived. It was the week that the Praying 7 started praying. That's just a tip of the story.

I think it also requires relinquishing hold of what we think is good in order to receive God's best. You can receive a present if your hands are holding onto something else. I learned that with Erin. I was willing to go where ever to be in His will, but it seemed like He was talking to me. After everything was done, I can look back and I think, "What an idiot I was...He was there all along. Teaching me and showing me what to pray for!"

Adoption is not for the weak. And if you faith is weak, it will either break you or increase your faith in God.

Thanks for reviving this subject.

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Shannon and KMTM,

It's so nice to hear that we feel the same in a lot of ways about our relationship with GOD. I agree with both of you. As I am finding out, many people are very weak or need a lot of education when it comes to adoption. I can't say too much about anyone else because Marcelo and I had many fears at the beginning of this journey that could have easily closed our door to it if we had let it. I was just telling him over lunch about my post and how we had to just stare FEAR in the face and say no to it!!!! dry.gif

Claudia

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  • 2 months later...

Dear Forumites,

I need your prayers for personal guidance and for the ability to discern the Lord's will in my life as I contemplate a much needed career move and a lifestyle management change. I need courage and faith as I move forward.

I appreciate your spiritual support.

thanx

pkk

smile.gif

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PKK,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Change is scary but sometimes necessary. Pray and then go with your heart. It will not lead you astray. May you have the courage and strength to accept God's will, and may your faith never waiver.

Best wishes!

Elaine

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Dear Forumites,

I need your prayers for personal guidance and for the ability to discern the Lord's will in my life as I contemplate a much needed career move and a lifestyle management change.  I need courage and faith as I move forward.

I appreciate your spiritual support.

thanx

pkk

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17119[/snapback]

Hey, Pam!

I will definitely be praying for you. Making decisions about one's income and benefits is truly a leap of faith when you consider changing jobs. Sometimes God has to make us so uncomfortable in our current position that staying doesn't seem like an option. I hope you find your courage before it gets to that point.

I've been with the same company since August of 1993. I've done different jobs in different towns, but they are the only one I've worked for out of college. It would be very difficult to change.

Kristy

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Hi Pam,

Our prayers our with you in your decisions about your carreer. I know it's not always easy, but I think we know what is best for us and our family! Go with your heart everything will fall into place.

Your friend,

Claudia

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  • 2 weeks later...

PKK,

Any updates for those of us "forumites" who might be interested???

When discussing God's will, the following comes to mind, "the plan and will of God will never die. The thing God wants you to do will become stronger each day in your thoughts, in your prayers and in your planning...it grows and grows."

Keep us informed! Cath

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This is such a deep topic and so worthy of consideration: how do we discern the difference between what God wants for us, and what we want Him to want because we want it for ourselves?

I've heard well-meaning people ask, in ignorance, why adoption is necessary, "because if God wanted infertile people to become parents, wouldn't He give them the ability to reproduce?" I know birthparents who've been confronted with small-minded folk who suggested that "God wouldn't make women pregnant if He didn't want them to raise their children."

But I believe God's plan is much greater than that. (I just wish He'd send a weekly copy of His blueprint.) :)

In what ways has He pointed out His direction in your life?

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There have been many times that God was leading me, but the most recent is what I think of most often.

When we were going through our fertility treatments I felt all along that God was telling me to adopt. It was so strong one time that I actually thought someone was in my ear whispering to me. I knew at that point that the treatments were not going to work. It wasn't a surprise to God that I couldn't get pregnant. He knew long before I was ever born that adoption was the path for me.

Of course I have to keep reminding myself that God wants to help me find my way in the little things in life, but that is where it gets hard for me. Letting go and letting God. It is truly amazing that when I do give up the control God never leads me astray.

Edited by melissamerritt
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I think what I have found is that when I am following God's plan for my life, there is a peace about everything -- I don't have any anxiety, worry, fear, etc. like I do when I am trying to be the controlling force.

Perhaps this was most clear to me when we had our fourth failed adoption plan -- we were in San Antonio immediately following the birth of "our child" but sensed, right away, that the birthparents were going to decide to parent. So, when they did actually make the decision, we were disappointed but not totally surprised. I remember we decided not to go straight home but rather to make the drive to Houston to visit my brother and his family. On the way there, I said to George, "I know this is crazy, and I do feel sad, but I really don't feel like this was supposed to be our baby." The feeling was so strong I remember almost being overpowered by it. And, I remember not shedding nearly as many tears as I had in the past when we had gone through some failed adoption plans. There definitely was a peace about what had just taken place.

Little did we know that just six weeks later Elizabeth would be calling to tell us our first daughter's birthparents had had two more daughters who now needed a forever family! His plans for my life were so much greater than anything I ever dreamed of!

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Determining God's will for me is often hard to do. I am very impatient! I went through two failed plans before I adopted my first son. I was not sure at the time why things were happening the way they did. I was in Texas on Christmas Eve alone fully expecting to bring "my" daughter home.You see I was in the delivery room ...held her first, cut the cord, saw her take her first breath. Much to my surprise the BP decided to parent only a few short hours before this was to take place. I was alone and afraid....I got a call from Elizabeth and she was very comforting....she explained that ..that was not my child ...God had a plan and we would find my baby. I flew home to spend Christmas with my family. Christmas Day I recieved a call from Elizabeth with another BP's name...for a possible match. After the holidays I called her and we began what was a great relationship. I spoke with her several times a week. I went back to work and waited anxiously for the "call" that the baby was coming. Instead I got a call from Abrazo letting me know that maybe my BP had'nt been forthcoming with her information on going to the doctor regularly. At that time they also told me that a little boy had been born "early" and was in need of a mom. I thought and prayed for a very short time and God assured me that was my son. I called Abrazo back and said "yes" a few short days later I was holding my precious boy Teyler. God had a plan for me all along ..I just did'nt want to wait. I also suffered two failed plans with my second adoption. But, again....God had a plan and I now have my sweetheart known as Tyson.

God always has a plan...we just must all be willing to wait on him...his plan is always perfect.

Thanks Elizabeth for helping me see that!

Sabrina

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Sabrina,

Your strength and courage never fail to amaze me!! You are so awesome!! After all you've been through, your positive attitude and ability to turn "tragedy into triumph" are a constant source of inspiration for me!! smile.gif

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