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Managing Adoption Expenses


MFTMOM

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Why is it that the whole issue of adoption fees makes so many of us squirmish, even when we do the best we can on behalf of our clients?

Sometimes, perhaps, it's an industry-wide matter of "guilt by association."

Here's an eye-opener, for those who may not be familiar with the wonderful world of facilitators (note: sarcasm fully intended!) Facilitators are not licensed agencies nor attorneys; they merely "broker" introductions, leaving the "real" adoption work to be done by bonafide professionals after the facilitators collect their considerable fees! Using or working as an adoption facilitator is illegal in Texas, but as one can easily discern from the links below, this doesn't seem to stop anyone:

AdoptLink's "Domestic Grid" : an Online Adoption Superstore

How Nancy "Earns" $13k Just for Referring Phone Calls

Shopping Babies Online: If It Sounds Too Good to be True...?

And be sure to check out this well-written story, published 3 years ago, about how adoption fees differ from agency to agency, and how related adoption professionals respond, when questioned about the concept of fee-discounting-by-race: BABY TRADE.

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Why is it that the whole issue of adoption fees makes so many of us squirmish, even when we do the best we can on behalf of our clients?

To me, it doesn't make me squirmish. It makes me frustrated. Not at Abrazo, but at the fact there is a cost to adopt. Abrazo performs adoption services. In order to provide a service, Abrazo has to operate. Without someone funding their operations, they could not perform the service. Without the service, I would not have my son, Nathan. I made the decision of if the fees being chared were acceptable to achieve my goal. My goal: to become a parent and share all the love I have to give a child.

So, I understand why the fees exist and why many fees must be passed on to the client, I just hate that because a couple cannot conceive a biological child, they must pay for the priviledge of being parents. It would be nice if Love was the only requirement, but in reality, we know that money is a big part of the adoption process. The bond between the parent and child is Love. But the process used to adopt the child is generally ecomonics. Supply and demand.

It would take me a novel to cover all the areas for debate on this, but above is just my 2 cents on my perception. I'm not trying to imply that Abrazo is in it for the money. I'm just saying they have to charge to provide a service that they feel a calling for. To bring potential parents in contact with children in need of a stable, loving home. Abrazo has taken on the addition steps to make it the best relationship possible by kindling Open Adoption relationships. I am grateful for them bringing Nathan's birthmother into our lives. Do I wish the process did not have fees? Sure. But that would not be realistic.

-A

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I just hate that because a couple cannot conceive a biological child, they must pay for the priviledge of being parents. It would be nice if Love was the only requirement, but in reality, we know that money is a big part of the adoption process. The bond between the parent and child is Love. But the process used to adopt the child is generally ecomonics. Supply and demand.

Yes and no... in the private adoption system, you pay for the privilege of being parents to the "kind" of child that meets your demands (whether you define your "kind" by race, gender, age, medical background, or whatever.)

When you adopt from the State, for example, you pay only the homestudy cost and the legal costs of termination/adoption, but no agency fees, per se. Money is NOT a big part of that adoption process, but flexibility of parental preference surely is. ("Supply/demand" indeed; there are an ample supply of low-cost or no-cost adoption opportunities out there, for would-be parents without demands.)

As Dale & Amanda pointed out, if it were really all just about wanting a child to love, economics wouldn't even factor in. But more often, it's about wanting to love only the specific type of child that one finds loveable, and that's about the creation of a bond based on stuff that has little or nothing to do with "love" in its purest sense...?

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I just hate that because a couple cannot conceive a biological child, they must pay for the priviledge of being parents. It would be nice if Love was the only requirement, but in reality, we know that money is a big part of the adoption process. The bond between the parent and child is Love. But the process used to adopt the child is generally ecomonics. Supply and demand.

When you adopt from the State, for example, you pay only the homestudy cost and the legal costs of termination/adoption, but no agency fees, per se. Money is NOT a big part of that adoption process, but flexibility of parental preference surely is. (Supply/demand, indeed)

Yes, I went back and edited that part apparently at the same time you were responding because I agree the wording "big part of the process" was not accurate or fair. In some cases it can be, but certainly not always. Rather than say it is a big part of the process, my intention is to say it can often be a major part of the consideration as to whether or not someone can 'afford' to participate in some adoption processes. It then boils down to debate as to what is 'affordable'.

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Rather than say it is a big part of the process, my intention is to say it can often be a major part of the consideration as to whether or not someone can 'afford' to participate in some adoption processes. It then boils down to debate as to what is 'affordable'.

Right-- and affordable doesn't always have to do with money. (Being able to afford adoption and being able to afford parenthood are not the same thing, of course.)

Sometimes, it's a question of who's got enough heart to afford loving a child who falls outside of their expectations...?

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Yes, and reducing it to it's purest sense does not change reality.

There are folks way more worthy than I... to adopt another's baby, without regards to any of the above mentioned factors, cost of adoption, race of child, age of child, location of child (as in international adoptions) , openness of child's birthparents, risk of placement, disability of child, etc.

Parents-in-waiting come to the process with needs, even though some may be deemed unjustified. We come with limitations, financial, emotional, and educational. We come with broken hearts, losing the dream of a biological child and wanting to embrace and love a child not biologically ours through adoption. This very human process, comes with all the associated imperfections that come from being less than perfect. Some of us have more imperfections than others, therefore our expectations/(demands) are skewed. Does that make "us" wrong?

Birthparents, who are wanting openness, are also coming to the process with needs. They choose the family they feel is best for their baby, however imperfect that process may be. They have options (and rightfully so). Which explains the high demand for childless couples, because they are most sought by Abrazo's expectant (birth)parents. Does that make "them" wrong?

I appreciate agencies, like Abrazo, that really make it their business to know all of their clients... to continue to broaden our education, on our behalf, therefore making our expectations more realistic, helping to support the best possible placement of baby/child, without passing up lost opportunities (for us and baby).... because we do/did not know ourselves well enough.

I do not have the answers for how to overcome our own imperfections or the imperfections found in adoptions, in general.

Is it okay to feel entitled to make our own best decisions, knowing any decision made at any point in time is limited by our understanding of ourselves?

And with our decisions, should there be guilt in adopting or placing?

Karen

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Very good post Karen. You have a gift of being able to express your views well through your posts.

Lots of rhetorical questions in here, but ones that too could be shared.

Yes, and reducing it to it's purest sense does not change reality.

Very true.

I do not have the answers for how to overcome our own imperfections or the imperfections found in adoptions, in general.

Nor do I. Education, soul searching, and keeping an open mind I believe are the best ways to overcome the imperfections but I don't believe anyone ever overcomes all their imperfections.

Is it okay to feel entitled to make our own best decisions, knowing any decision made at any point in time is limited by our understanding of ourselves?

Speaking for myself, I believe so. Provided I have made a conscious effort to understand the decision I am about to make, I believe I will choose the best decision (whether that be one that benefits me or making a decision that benefits others more than myself).

And with our decisions, should there be guilt in adopting or placing?

Another rhetorical question: Or should there be guilt if someone suggests that someone else should adopt a child when they themselves may be in a position to provide that child a loving home? From a guilt perspective, It can be like seeing an advertisement for children in need or reading a touching, compassionate story and saying "someone should help those kids". Guilt is a heavy emotion and a strong motivating factor. While guilt can play a factor in adopting or placing, I would hope it is not the motivating factor.

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Hello!! I have adopted a full African American baby through another agency, he is 13 months now & we have had him since he was just 5 days old...we are just starting to think about adopting again (just a little intro).

I don't think the financial incentives of charging differently is getting people to change thier mind who ARE NOT committed to adopting a child of a different race. I believe it is simply to be more competitve with OTHER AGENCIES since there are so many agencies IN NEED of parents open to this (like it or not 90% of potential adoptive parents are not open to a full AFRICAN AMERICAN baby, there are even those open to every single possible race except this, which I take offense to & believe IS racist more so than not adopting ANY race but caucasian...but alas...another topic). So it's not about getting people to "convert" to transracial adoption from CC adoption, as much as it is getting people open to AA to use thier agency versus another agency.

I did not pay a different fee for my son, but we changed our openness after joining (my dh needed just a little more time to know that he could parent a child of a different race, he didn't feel confident enough..). Even if we would have though, I would not have felt bad. I hope my kids NEVER think I adopted transracially because of cost / wait time. There is WAY more to transracial adoption than for it to be that simple. I personally believe that many agencies charge for an AA child what they SHOULD charge for all children, but with the tax credit most agencies (don't know about Abrazo...they are very reasonable) upped thier cost by 10,000....

Edited by Runyan2002
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Thanks Karen! I look forward to talking more with people!

I am another member of an adoption forum elsewhere so have a little experience. ;) But I do like it here very much! I love all the frank and honest (yet respectful) discussions!!

Natalie

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow, a very interesting and thought-provoking topic here and some excellent responses. I do have to agree that I have heard from agencies in other states do have separate costs for adoption of an anglo child versus a child of any other race...and these were CHRISTIAN based agencies. It appalled me and I do not feel it helps people as an incentive to adopt a child of a race they wouldn't normally be comfortable adopting just because it's more cost-efficient to them. It's ridiculous to think...'well I can only afford this much to spend on the adoption costs so I guess I will adopt a child of this race or ethnicity'. But the sad thing is that it probably does go on somewhere in someone's mind because why else would these agencies still be placing children? I know people in the Abrazo community and family are not so shallow and narrow-minded but the world as a whole can be sometimes.

I have a question relating to inappropriate questions that children may ask relating to fees of adoption. My 8 yr old niece asked me one day 'how much did it cost to 'buy' Delaney?'. YIKES!??? I told her that her cousin was not 'bought' but rather that she was 'adopted' by us and left it at that. I didn't think I needed to go into further detail at that time. Her mother was horrified. Just curious what any of you would have answered to that question?

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I have a question relating to inappropriate questions that children may ask relating to fees of adoption. My 8 yr old niece asked me one day 'how much did it cost to 'buy' Delaney?'. YIKES!??? I told her that her cousin was not 'bought' but rather that she was 'adopted' by us and left it at that. I didn't think I needed to go into further detail at that time. Her mother was horrified. Just curious what any of you would have answered to that question?

I think you answered it very well. A little boy in my son's 1st grade class at school asked me if we bought Lydia, and I told him no, we adopted her and explained a little what that meant.

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I think when asked some of the more uncomfortable questions (especially about "buying" a child), it is easiest to say that we pay fees for adoption services. If someone is truly interested in the information for the possibility of their persuing adoption, I am a bit more open about the differences between our two adoptions (i.e., medical costs and travel). It really is no one's business exactly what we have done, but then again, I really want people to understand the realities of adoption vs. the misconceptions.

As for "reduced" rates being an incentive to adopt AA children, it was never a thought for us and I don't know that it is really a true incentive. We persued both girls before we had a clue as to what $$ would be involved. It is different because they were both BOGs so there was no advance preparation. It was pretty much busting through what we needed to do because the money was secondary. I may have posted this elsewhere, but I didn't even ask about Nichole's health until the day we left for SA, and then it was only so that we could be prepared for additional care if necessary.

We are so thankful for our girls.

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I don't know if this belongs here but here goes.

I just watched Dateline telling a story about a girl pretending to be pregnant and promising this child to more than one couple, asking for money from all of them, then cutting all communication.

Did anyone see it?

The desire to become parents is so strong that by not having an Agency like Abrazo to be the inbetween for the bp and ap more than money can be lost. Not to say that some this cannot happen with an Agency as there are those who may not be as sincere about there adoption but the professionals have the exprerience to know most of the time who is for real or not.

This story just blew me away and the adoption fees is what keeps the Agency open to help bp and ap also to have the people in the Agency with the proper credentials doing the best they can for us all.

If some of this has been said before I am sorry but I did not get a chance read all of this thread but just wanted to say a few words.

Thanks,

Linda

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I don't know if this belongs here but here goes.

I just watched Dateline telling a story about a girl pretending to be pregnant and promising this child to more than one couple, asking for money from all of them, then cutting all communication.

Did anyone see it?

The desire to become parents is so strong that by not having an Agency like Abrazo to be the inbetween for the bp and ap more than money can be lost. Not to say that some this cannot happen with an Agency as there are those who may not be as sincere about there adoption but the professionals have the exprerience to know most of the time who is for real or not.

This story just blew me away and the adoption fees is what keeps the Agency open to help bp and ap also to have the people in the Agency with the proper credentials doing the best they can for us all.

If some of this has been said before I am sorry but I did not get a chance read all of this thread but just wanted to say a few words.

Thanks,

Linda

Hi Linda,

There is another thread I believe that addresses this topic (so a moderator might move it if they locate it) but I can't remember which one it is. Anyway, it is good that you share the info because you are right, it is good that we are working with a licensed and reputable agency (Abrazo) as unfortunately, there are a lot of things out there that are not on the 'up-and-up'.

Thank you for sharing the story though :)

-A

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Actually, I think Linda's point is that reasonable service fees are warranted when they are paid to professionals who can hopefully help spare clients the financial devastation of adoption scams, which so often plague those who are inclined to take the "do it yourself" adoption approach in hopes of not having to pay agency fees? It brings to mind Benjamin Franklin's old maxim about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure... but prospective adopters should still be discerning about the amount of fees being asked of them, to be certain that they're not paying a pound of prevention for an ounce of cure!

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Actually, I think Linda's point is that reasonable service fees are warranted when they are paid to professionals who can hopefully help spare clients the financial devastation of adoption scams, which so often plague those who are inclined to take the "do it yourself" adoption approach in hopes of not having to pay agency fees?

Yes Elizabeth that was my point. Thanks

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My apologies Linda :)

No problem.... I was not sure myself.

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Linda, I did not see the recent Dateline episode but I have seen this on another Primetime a few years ago. It is just really sad that those poor families put themselves in that predicament, because they put their hearts and their finances on the line. When they could have had the backing and protection of the right agency all along. I think that maybe some families are so desperate for a child that they will just jump into something without thinking or researching it. I wonder if the ap's had any doubts along the way that they were about to be duped?

Anyway, the experience that Abrazo has and what they do for their birthparents and adoptive parents cannot be measured in dollars in my opinion.

Nichole

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Linda, I did not see the recent Dateline episode but I have seen this on another Primetime a few years ago. It is just really sad that those poor families put themselves in that predicament, because they put their hearts and their finances on the line. When they could have had the backing and protection of the right agency all along. I think that maybe some families are so desperate for a child that they will just jump into something without thinking or researching it. I wonder if the ap's had any doubts along the way that they were about to be duped?

Anyway, the experience that Abrazo has and what they do for their birthparents and adoptive parents cannot be measured in dollars in my opinion.

Nichole

Nichole,

That is my point exactly.... If only they gave some Agency names for reference. (The show I mean) People just don't know where to go.

Linda

PS - What a beautiful Avitar and Baby you have Nichole

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Linda, thank u so much. She sure is our little angel. :)

PS - What a beautiful Avitar and Baby you have Nichole

Amy, we do the same thing...we always bring up Abrazo. Word of mouth is better than anything you can read in a magazine, online or whatever. Actually speaking to somebody about their experience means far more.

That is why when someone asks about agencies, I do mention Abrazo. Isn't a state law here in Texas only agencies and attorneys do adoptions?
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That is why when someone asks about agencies, I do mention Abrazo. Isn't a state law here in Texas only agencies and attorneys do adoptions?

In Texas, the law actually states that it is illegal for anyone but a licensed agency to provide full adoption services that include introductions of prospective adopters and prospective birthparents ("matching") for a fee, meaning that even Texas lawyers are prohibited from arranging adoptions in the Lone Star State. Attorneys and adoptive parents also cannot provide for the payment of a prospective birthparents' expenses beyond medical and legal (meaning they cannot offer grocery assistance, maternity clothes, transportation, etc.) Only a state-licensed agency can do this, and only within the confines of the Minimum Standards issued by the Texas Department of Protective & Family Services.

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